Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we started dedicating an entire post to them instead! This A+ feature now exchanges bi-monthly with our column, Into the A+ Advice Box. We think this will be a lot of fun for everybody in the whole family. We’ve included as many questions as we can. We love you and your hair looks fantastic today!

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A-CAMP, MERCH, BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

How come when I google an Autostraddle article, the page shows up in a different style than how the regular website looks? I can’t describe it but like, there are no comments and it almost looks more like a blog post?

Heather: Ah, yes. This happens on mobile only. That’s our AMP page, which is something Google makes us do so we can be included in their search results. It also probably happens sometimes when you click through from Twitter. (Why sometimes but not always or never? We truly have no idea!) We hate it too. The best way to get to our actual website is to scroll down to the bottom and click “see comments.” That’ll bring you right into our open arms!

Riese: Also, if you come to AS from googling on a safari app on your phone, there is an option at the top where you can see that little link icon that’s on the top bar next to the white bar that i have helpfully highlighted in yellow and clumsily drawn a yellow arrow pointing to?

That will take you right to the website. But if you are linked through social media on your phone that you get to the AMP page and have to do the comments thing that heather just said.

Merch idea: dog sweaters. cat sweaters. PET SWEATERS!

Laneia: EVEN PET T-SHIRTS MAYBE.

Most of the time I browse Autostraddle, I’m logged out. I mostly only realize it when I want to look at A+ content. Does it make a difference to your metrics whether or not I’m logged in? If so let me know and I’ll try to be sure to be logged in more often!

Riese: It does not! When we had Chartbeat it showed us how many members vs. non-members were reading, which was useful info, but also we can’t have Chartbeat anymore because we are too poor.

So I am new to autostraddle plus, but I have been lurking for years. I wrote a comment and someone liked it. For the life of me I can’t figure out how to see who liked it. Any tips? I swear that I can do technology 😂😂

Heather: You can’t see who likes it! I don’t know why, actually; that’s just the way our comment plugin works! You should ask! You should say, “It made my day that you liked this, who are you??” And maybe that’s the beginning of your meet-cute. Who’s to say?

Laneia: I would take Heather Hogan’s meet-cute tips if I were you.

Riese: Also we can see on the backend who liked it if we desperately need to, but it’s a very cumbersome process and usually you have to do it immediately or it’s impossible to find out. JUST FOR FULL DISCLOSURE.

Hello wonderful people. I am not sure where else to contact. I recently got a gold membership, and I look forward to supporting your great work. During the sign up I had an issue with the page where I put in my mailing address to get the enamel pin for becoming a member. Who do I need to contact/ what do I need to do to still get this?

Riese: You can email me!

You know what? I wish there was a way I could be sure my affiliate link purchases actually went through to you – I spent $50 at best buy on 1/28/19 and I went through the affiliate link, so some percentage of that belongs to y’all legally. I guess I just wish affiliates showed up on receipts like Amazon Smile.

Riese: If you did it through our links then you did it! It’s not always clear from the URL, unfortunately, what has gone through, because sometimes the links look crazy, and other times the click-through changes to a normal looking link as soon as you get there, even though the tracking is still happening. With Amazon you can tell (there’s an autowin-20 in the URL) and with a lot of other affiliates there’s a like “=kbid1879 or “affid=10607″ or something, and with a lot of the links the word “affiliate” will be in the URL as you are browsing. Like “medium=affiliate&utm_source=linkshare” or “medium=affiliate&utm_source=cj” is a common one. So that’s what I would look out for!

How about you have a birthday post that is just ALL the tee shirts designs you’ve EVER made, then we can vote on one to come back?

Riese: Are you… by any chance… the person on the money survey who really wants a new Autostradde this t-shirt? It’s okay, you can tell me. Be honest. This is a safe space.

Is there a way to make a donation to A Camp to contribute to the tuition of a camper in need? I can’t go this year, but if I can put some money towards someone else’s fund that would be awesome!

Laneia: You can donate campership funds right here, or donate to our arts & resistance fund!

Hi! I’m probably not gonna be able to go anyways ‘cause I don’t have enough money, but! I’ve been dying to go to A Camp for years and this year I’ll be 18 by the time it rolls around, which means it’s the first time I’d actually be able to attend! My question to you beautiful people: IS it weird to go to A-Camp as an 18-year-old or 19-year-old, aka a very young person who can’t yet legally drink in the USA?? Is it weird to be so new to being an adult and to just be starting college?? O’kay, bye, I love y’all!

Laneia: Ok please imagine me holding both of your hands in mine, and we’re seated and facing each other and I’m looking directly into your eyes as I say, very sincerely because it is true, “There is no weird age to be at camp.”

Riese: There are always 18 and 19 year olds at A-Camp! Not a ton, but plenty!

Can you get affiliate links with David’s Tea or Harney & Sons? I give them a lot of money and it would be great if some of it went to you.

Sarah: I deep dove into the internet looking for these specific affiliate programs but alas, none exist! However, any tea you shop for on Amazon will give us a kickback and they do have David’s Tea and Harney & Sons, but I understand if you’re not an Amazon person or have opposition to it. Also, please witness my favorite comic as of last night:

View this post on Instagram

l e a v e s

A post shared by Strange Planet (@nathanwpylestrangeplanet) on Mar 21, 2019 at 5:04am PDT

Hey! I don’t know if anyone else has this happen, but for some reason whenever I get an email update from A+ I get the same email many times all at once? Usually it’s just two or three, which is weird, but I just got five of the same email! This is not a huge problem. I love you guys and glitches happen!! However, it’s happened a lot and I just thought you would like to know!

Cee: Sorry about that! I have no idea why that’s happening for you! Thanks for letting me know.

I would love as much time as possible to get together some sort of outfit for the big A-Camp dance. Could you maybe drop a huge hint on the theme, the sooner the better? As someone who has a hard time finding clothes, I would be very very very grateful.

Laneia: I do believe you’ll receive an email with this very information! If I’m wrong about that I hope someone deletes my answer!

Riese: As far as I know currently, the theme will not be one that you will need to do something weird or costume-heavy for (like our past few dances have had very specific themes). But I can drop a huge hint as soon as I know for sure, and yes there will eventually be an email about it!

This may be too niche but… I know Lowes is on the affiliates list. Would it also be possible add any woodworking shop? My partner has gotten really into woodworking and I’d love to shop from Rockler or Woodcraft and know a portion is going to Autostraddle. Alternatively does anyone have a recommendation for a queer-owned wood shop?

Sarah: I love the strong queer lumberjack vibes coming off of this question. GUESS WHAT I FOUND AND GOT APPROVED FOR ROCKLER’S AFFILIATE PROGRAM AND YOU CAN SHOP THERE RIGHT NOW!!! HERE IS THE LINK IT’S THIS ENTIRE PARAGRAPH!

Hey AS team. How do you decide on the number of posts coming out per day? Is this a set number? Is it based on some kind of benchmark, observations, feelings? Does it influence pageviews, traffic, comments? I’m curious. As always congrats on the great work.

Heather: This is an excellent question! We aim to have at least six non-A+ posts on our website every weekday and two non-A+ on weekends. A+ posts are a bonus! Six is a good solid number to try to keep our traffic steady throughout the day and to give us enough content to keep a steady stream of social media flowing. It absolutely influences traffic and pageviews and comments.

The more content, the more likely people are going to find at least one thing to love when they get here, which makes them more likely to stick around. Also the more content, the more we have to offer people to engage with on social media. That’s good for the article someone clicked on, and good because they’re on our website then and might find something else they like and click on that, too. Plus the more people who click on and share our social media posts, the higher up we get in the various platforms’ algorithms, which means we’re getting our work and name in front of even more people. We don’t always hit our goal number of six for a variety of reasons. There are a lot of balls in the air every day, and even one missed deadline can throw us off track for a week. But we really try!

Hey! About a month ago there was a thing in the AS weekly about a new newsletter: “Recurring Woes.” I signed up and got an email saying it would start the next Wednesday. I haven’t received anything since. Is it not happening, or is it being sent out and I’m just not getting them for some reason?

Laneia: I’m sorry! It’s my fault because I messed it up, but it will be fixed in April, which is right around the corner! Thank you for asking about this!

I have made an effort to click on ALSO.ALSO.ALSO in recent weeks because I noticed Laneia saying that they don’t get opened enough/as much as you’d like. As someone with ADHD/dislexia, I just want to say that the spacing and capitalization/non-capitalization mixing in the titles is what kept me from ever clicking on it initially. It’s too cluttered for my brain. I skip right over things like that. I’ve loved the content now that I intentionally look out for it, but I do wonder if that might account for low readership of an otherwise excellent link round-up.

Laneia: Ahhhh thank you for trying to read my little link roundups! I’d love to make it easier for you to consume this post if I can. (We started making each link pop out in a new tab after readers requested it, for example!) Do you mean you’d rather it look like the Lez Liberty Lit and/or Pop Culture fixes, where the author of the post writes full sentences about each piece and links targeted words, instead of a list of article headlines that are capitalized according to AP style? The reason I do a list of headlines is because I do two of these roundups a week, on top of other behind-the-scenes things, so it’s the quickest way for me to put together what should be a quick post. I used to include little + marks in front of each headline to add visual cues — do you think that would be helpful?

Love the One Day At A Time banner ads! I hope they bring you money and ODAAT more viewers (Is that how it works?)

Heather: We loved them, too! So much! In fact, I have to wonder, if Netflix actually spent more time and money advertising to our audience, the absolute target audience for this show, would it have made enough of a difference in their viewership numbers to keep it from getting cancelled? I wonder that about so many gay movies and TV shows that don’t do as well as studios and networks want them to.

Like, just for one example, a gay movie from last year considered advertising with us and we put together a great pitch. Then weekend after the movie came out, they were like, “Oh not enough gay people went and saw it so I guess we won’t advertise with you” and I was like “Right, your logic is backwards, but okay!”

I’m going to A-Camp for the first time this year! Yay! So excited! But! My anxiety brain is finding things to worry about. It has now settled on sunscreen. Weird right?? So, I’ll be flying in and want to do carry-on only, but because of TSA I can’t bring my normal bottle of high SPF sunscreen. Does A-Camp have a stash of sunscreen for campers? Is there a store at the camp? Does LAX have a shop where I can get a reasonably priced bottle of sunscreen? Can the A-Camp-LAX shuttle stop at Walgreens/Target/whatever? Please help my anxiety brain calm down about such a weird thing as sunscreen. Thank you!!

Riese: The shuttle does not stop at the store anymore unfortunately and there is no store at the camp, but once you get your cabin assignments you can just ask a cabin-mate who is driving — or your counselors — to pick up your sunscreen for you! There are stores nearby and people who are driving to camp, to the best of my knowledge, do take orders for things to pick up from their cabinmates. If none of these options come through then I will PERSONALLY BRING YOU YOUR SUNSCREEN. Because I will definitely be stopping at the store.

General question RE: Campership Things! For camperships, do you get an email if you were unsuccessful or just if you are successful? I imagine the traffic for applications is huuuge, so I’m assuming that we don’t hear back unless it’s a yes, but I still keep doing that post-job-application style email refresh as much as humanly possible! I need to stop myself :’D

Riese: You only get an email if you are successful, unfortunately we don’t have the time / resources to deliver no’s!

Hello Cee! Just a note that in the native browser on my Samsung Galaxy S5 Neo (running some version of android 6 I believe), the menu button at the top of the Autostraddle home page and article page isn’t working. Thank you so much for all your hard and skillful work!

Cee: Try emptying your cache, that should solve the problem!

What are the ways we can interact with Autostraddle on social media that are most helpful? Is it best to share your Facebook posts, or can we copy/paste a link into our own posting? Does liking or commenting on your posts help drive more traffic to the site? How can we help get more eyes (and dollars) on you? 🌈 xo

Heather: Thank you for asking this! For Facebook, it actually doesn’t matter if you share from us or paste a link; the algorithm counts both equally! But likes and comments help a lot at boosting us. For Twitter, RT-ing our original tweet (even with comment), or liking or commenting is the best way to increase our engagement and make the tweet more likely to show up in people’s “top tweets” feed. Truly, you have made my day with this question. <3

I just want you all to know that I cancelled my silver membership because I recently upgraded to a gold, but then tis month’s bill had both memberships listed and I was charged twice. That’s fine for this one time, I will consider it a birthday gift to y’all, but I didn’t want the error to continue so I cancelled the silver to be safe. I just don’t want you to think I actually like cancelled cancelled! I love you with my whole heart, from where you end to where you start!

Laneia: Ummmm thank you for this birthday gift and for being a member but ALSO thank you for this amazing last line??!

I just finished the $ Survey and you asked about swag or merch. It’s not really my #1 thing, but if I had a preference I would love something small: like a matchbox, keychain, stash box, zipper pulls. I love little reminders that I can hold between my fingers. I’m also a sucker for limited edition collabs – especially anything gone 3 months: beer, bitters, candles, soaps, etc. Sad to say, I already have too many t-shirts.

Laneia: Yikes I love a limited edition collabbbbbbb.

Hi, here’s some extra information from the $ Survey: I DO love this A+ box as a perk. It lets me tell you things I don’t want to put in comments.

Heather: That is very good to know! Thank you for taking the survey and thank you for commenting!

Hi! I don’t know if this is the right place to ask this but I’m having a problem with AS on Firefox (which is what I mainly use on my PC). It seems like the site got “stuck” on february 26 and won’t reload? I tried reloading so many times. I’ve tried accessing from Google instead of from my favourites bar. I’ve tried gently encouraging to work, screaming at it, etc. Nothing works. Help?

Cee: Wow that’s a weird one! Try emptying your cache? Try reinstalling Firefox?

I’m so excited for your birthday!! ✨💕🌈🍰🍾🎂💜🔮🎊🎈🎂🎁🌈🎊💌🎂🍷

ALL-CONSUMING NEEDS TO SHARE

Queer ice dancers!

Laneia: I LOVED THIS.

I’m writing a murder mystery set at an all-girls school that involves a Hot Older Woman detective and her rookie partner. I wasn’t originally going to make them gay but WHOOPS my hand slipped and EVERYBODY is a lesbian.

Heather: It happens!

Rachel: It’s adorable that you thought this book with this premise might have anyone who isn’t a lesbian in it!

I have a crush on this very cute girl and it’s been a while since my last crush. I had forgotten that giddy warm feeling you get pretty much constantly! I don’t know how this will end but it’s nice to finally feel something good because everything fucking SUCKS. Maybe sometimes something beautiful can still happen in this messed up world? I hope she doesn’t ruin my life, but I If also kinda hope that she does.

Heather: “I hope she doesn’t ruin my life, but i also kinda hope that she does” is a very gay approach to this possible relationship; I honor you.

Laneia: Holding space for you.

Today’s Friday Open Thread feature image is from One Day at a Time AND y’all released the Birthday Issue today AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT? The new season of One Day at a Time is coming out ON MY BIRTHDAY next Friday!!! Birthdays! Fridays! One Day at a Time! I love you all. ❤️

Heather: Oh my gosh, happy birthday! Greatest birthday present EVER!

Laneia: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BIRTHDAY TWIN.

Hi I have a huge crush on Vanessa plz help!

Laneia: Did you want us to help make it a bigger, more substantial crush? Because she recently did a photoshoot for a **** *****-** and it’s HOT AS FUCK, so I guess get ready for that?

Vanessa: Hi oh my gosh hello it’s me, Vanessa! I’m flattered, and I’m also going to use this very sweet compliment as a way to talk about my general philosophy on crushes. I hope you weren’t expecting anything less. 😉

So you have a crush on Vanessa (me) or anyone! Eeeeee! Aren’t crushes fun? I fucking love a good crush. You can always just chill with a crush. I think that’s an option we all sometimes forget. Like sometimes a crush is just fun, and feeling butterflies when your crush posts a thirst trap or says hi to you is all you need to feel really great.

But sometimes you wanna act on a crush! And in those cases I say, shoot your shot! What do you have to lose? Ask your crush out! I’m a big fan of a well written DM or a cute email if the crush is sort of a stranger or someone you only know on the internet, but hey, maybe we know each other IRL in which case I will say I still love a well written DM but if I actually know you, you can be a little more familiar! Also if you see your crush in person on a regular basis you can totally just ask them out!

And then… you wait! Your crush might be so into you, or they might not be! But that’s okay! Rejection is part of asking hot babes on dates! Rejection often has very little to do with you as an individual and everything to do with the person you’re crushing on. I, for one, am currently married to grad school, juggling a couple of dates, very committed to my friends, and living part time in New York and part time in Portland with very little clarity on where the fuck I’ll be next weekend, let alone next month. So to be COMPLETELY honest, though this *is* very flattering and I *did* full on blush when I received this message, the likelihood of me saying yes to a date right now is pretty slim. That said, I have managed to go on a few dates with some very babely humans this year, so you just never know!

TL;DR: Thanks, I bet you’re a babe, slide into my DMs if you wanna, don’t take it personally if the slide doesn’t land, HOPE THIS HELPS XOXO.

I found this quite nice article about Missy Higgins that I thought you might like.

Heather: I actually do love that. Thank you for sharing it. I have such a warm, soft spot for Missy Higgins. She saw me through such a breakup one time!

Mother Effing Jodie Comer!

Rachel: You aren’t fucking kidding, my friend! There is a lot going on here. I kind of don’t want to respond to this video any further so other people can click on it and go on their own journey wow

At the age of nearly-22 I just bought my first vibrator using one of the discount codes you have for Eve’s Toys and i just needed to share that with someone because i’m so excited about finally working through my various hang ups around sex and pleasure and masturbation and all that fun stuff!!!!!!

Rachel: Well hot damn this is fantastic news! You deserve everything that makes you happy and feel good and I genuinely *Alexis voice* love this journey for you!

I’m not sure if I found this amazing site through AS in the first place, but I think Heather and others will enjoy. Training neural nets to make cats and to name kittens!

Heather: What! This is amazing! And horrifying! The ones with multiple eyeballs freak me out but the ones with stretched necks that look like cat llamas delight me!

🚨🚨🚨 Heather! They’re doing the Elegy storyline! I might actually watch this now!!!

Heather: Oh ho ho, I know. As soon as they cast Rachel Skarsten, I was like, “It’s funny, she kinda looks like Ruby Ro—oh! Ohhhhhh!” I really tried to keep myself from getting hyped for this, but it’s too late now!

So I applied for that job, got an interview, a second interview, and then a request for references. Yay. And then I got a voicemail from their HR person at 4:55 pm on a Friday. Who does that?! I tried calling back, but of course they were gone by 5:02. And now I’ve been waiting all weekend and have to keep waiting til Monday to hear what they have to say. Do you think HR people do this for fun? Like with a sly evil chuckle?

Heather: Okay that is bonkers! 4:55?! Why didn’t they just write a message to you on a Post-It and stuff it into a wine bottle and throw it out to sea?! That would have been equally effective and more romantic and no anxiety! (I hope when you got back in touch on Monday everything went perfectly!)

Yes hi hello! A very great and awesome person that I previously had sex with divulged to me during a very fun and not awkward hangout that their ex had HPV. They were like, “I don’t know why i didn’t tell you before?” I feel really foolish because I did not ask about their status or their ex’s. I am going to get more serious about having frank conversations with my partners and I have an HPV test on the way (nurx.com if you’re curious), but I am so sad and nervous and unsure if it’s reasonable to be upset at all. This person did apologize profusely and seemed legitimately sorry (whatever that means) I do not hate them for this, but it was careless. This is not a question. I just wanted to share.

Laneia: OH FRIEND, I am so sorry this is happening. A lot of people (incorrectly) think that because HPV is so widespread that it’s not a big deal and not worth bringing up, but that is very wrong and HPV is serious business! I’m glad you’re getting tested and that your very great and awesome person apologized.

Hello! Is this a safe space to tell you the birthday issue feature image scares me like a horror movie?

Heather: It IS a safe space. Recently in a senior eds meeting, Laneia said they remind her of blood which really surprised me because they remind me of a really bright red flower? Good ol’ Rorschach!

I had a dream last night that Autostraddle launched a new series called “Let a Little Light In” about queerness, religion, and spirituality. In my dream, someone named Robert wrote the first article. (??) Just thought I’d let ya’ll know!

Carmen: I LOVE THIS! Please feel free to always send your dream pitches our way! I just added this one to my notebook of future ideas!

Phoebe Waller-Bridge says she likes a bit of girl-on-girl action!

Heather: 🧐

I’m catching up on all the stuff I missed while I was busy being a professional sad person and I’m just never gonna stop being bummed that y’all are so into cats! Birds rule, why don’t more people have birds? A gentle, but ridiculous pidgeon perhaps. Imagine wonderful apartment companions that just flop about and coo.

Heather: I have enough trouble keeping a handle on my pets that CAN’T fly! If Socks grew wings all of a sudden, I’d honestly probably die of panic before the end of the week!

Laneia: I am deathly afraid of all birds, but I support other people’s love of birds fwiw.

I just wanted to tell you that I bought a book of Mary Oliver’s poetry because of your incredible obituary and also because of all the poems that you’ve shared in articles. I went through it with a pack of sticky notes to mark poems that I knew I’d want to come back to over and over. On a related note, I am now running low on post-it notes! I didn’t realize just how badly I needed this poetry. Thanks for being that push that inspired me.

Heather: Oh! Which one? Gosh, I love her so much. I think she’s had a greater impact on me than any writer ever, and that’s saying something!

My tiny home town is having their first pride event this summer, which is something a lot of my friends and I have been noticing! (Small town pride events). It warms my heart and damn if I could afford to take the time off, I would totally travel just to be there.

Heather: Ahhhh! I love that! If my tiny hometown ever did something like this, I’d probably go and just bawl my eyeballs out the whole entire time! (While eating a funnel cake because I am from the rural backwoods of Georgia and we do not have festivals without funnel cakes.)

Laneia: Mmmm and roasted corn.

Happy Birthday, Autostraddle! I wouldn’t be the person I am today without the education and laughter that I’ve received here over the years. Thank you to everyone involved in running this wonderful site. I hope you all have good days with much cake. Also, your hair looks great!

HAVE YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS / I NEED INFORMATION/ ARTICLE IDEAS

Hello, please can you do a Style Thief on Chandra from the comments.

Laneia: !!!

How do I find lesbian Twitter? Every time I try, I just get dubious “lesbian” porn. Thanks, you’re the best.

Heather: Start following our writers and then click on their tweets and see who’s commenting and maybe follow some of those people! Tweet along with TV show hashtags that have gay content! Search “carol and maria captain marvel!” Follow your fave lesbian celebs and see who they retweet! Try Tweetdeck and make a column for the word “autostraddle!” (Just kidding, do not do that last thing, there are some real straight wankers in our timeline.)

This is going to be a dumb question, I should know this and I’ve tried to look it up, but what are the origins and meaning of the term/word/title “Autostraddle”? I love you all and your work. You help me feel connected to this community and your insight in all things queer is awesome. Thank you for being the best. <3 

Laneia: THANK U FOR BEING THE BEST.

Did I just miss the posts or did you stop tracking murders of trans women? I used that to help convince my employer that we need a gender neutral bathroom. If you are still doing it, thanks and sorry for the dumb question! If not, please bring it back.

Heather: We actually stopped doing it for the reasons Abeni wrote about in this piece for Trans Day of Visibility last year. And also because GLAAD and the Human Rights Campaign have these lists covered. Thank you for fighting the good fight with your employer. You might find these resources really helpful!

I suppose I could submit this directly to Mika, but first I wanted to say, I admire the plus size/fat positive folks on the AS team so much ❤️❤️ and I’m wondering: Do you have any favorite jeans/pants brands that like, don’t fucking displace your organs by cutting into your gut? I miss wearing other things on my bottom half besides leggings, but damn I can’t find any pants that take into account my fat belly. Halp plz!

Mika: I know ASOS has a really good plus size section for both “men” and “women,” I have friends that order stuff from them all the time. You could also try Universal Standard! They’re great and carry a ton of sizes and basics.

Ferula in House of the Spirits was queer as fuck, right?????

Rachel: I haven’t read this yet but now I sure want to!

Will there be the PM editions of the AM/PM series?? I really enjoyed the AM ones and would love to see how the PM ones would be different.

Rachel: This is a good question! I can’t remember why that didn’t happen initially but it does sound very nice doesn’t it? I wonder if we could or should revive a version of that series. I have a much cuter bedroom/apartment situation now with great lighting so I’m personally motivated.

Carmen: I always wanted to do the PM version of this series about my overly-complicated hair and skin routine.

Roundtable Request/Suggestion: Talking about your siblings and your relationships with them? Especially queer siblings, if your relationships changed as you realized you were queer, etc.

Laneia: I have logged this very good suggestion, thank you.

I really appreciate all the hard work you do in your seasonal roundups of lesbian and bisexual women on TV. I wondered if you had considered including non-binary and trans masculine characters in that roundup? I know it’s a lot of work so even a separate, briefer skim of the TV situation would be really appreciated. I really trust your writers evaluations.

Riese: I think you mean the TV preview, yeah? I think what we’ve been doing is if a show has queer women in it as well as non-binary or trans masculine or straight trans women characters, we will take note… but sure we could start doing it for all of them!

Can “Be the Change” – one of my favourite columns, thank you for your hard work, KaeLyn! – maybe tackle how to actually write letters to politicians,newspapers, etc.? What is effective? What are the do’s and don’ts re: use of emotional language, demands, requests etc.? I know you already tackled words, but that was more for slogans. I thought something specifically about letter and petition writing could be helpful – since this is something you can even do from your home if you don’t have an activist group around.

KaeLyn: I love this great idea! I covered message writing a bit in the messaging section of “Using Your Words as Weapons of Resistance” and in the “Petitions, Postcards, Phonebanks, and You” post, but I think you’re right that “how to write a letter” deserves its own attention! Thank you for the idea! I’m always trying to brainstorm new topics for the Be The Change column, so it’s very very very helpful to know what ya’ll are interested in learning more about!

I swear I remember reading an essay (I think from a link roundup??) about how straight women benefit from queer friendships when the queer has a crush on them, because of the effort that queer women will put in even though it’s not reciprocated. I can’t for the life of me find it! If it’s not this link, by any chance if someone remembers the piece I’m thinking of, that would be amazing

Laneia: I don’t know about a full post written somewhere else, but I my very self once wrote this exact sentiment in a Y’All Need Help! Maybe that was it?

Riese: Yeah I feel like this concept was touched on in a few pieces! A little bit here, a little bit here, a little bit here, a little bit here…. but I’m not sure that I can think of a specific thing that addressed what you’re talking about. But

Please help me! I want to be the sort of femme who rocks a badass leather jacket, and I don’t know where to find them. I promise I will only use the powers granted to me by my New Look for greatness and to uplift Autostraddle.

Mika: Hi hi, my go to shops for jackets are usually: Topshop, Zara, ASOS. If you are on a budget Target honestly has some good stuff sometimes. It would also really not hurt to thrift, you could try going to your local spot or do online things like depop. Leather jackets are the type of piece that lasts for a really long time if taken care off and that looks dope with a little sign of time/wear

I host a queer book club and need some suggestions!! Also maybe an article about hosting/facilitating a book club?

Carmen: Well I don’t have much advice about how to host or facilitate a book club, but I think you will find a ton of very good suggestions on what to read here! It’s our longstanding virtual book club series, “Read A F*cking Book!”

Riese: You can also look at those Read a F*cking Book Club archives for examples of the kinds of questions we ask, and here’s a nice piece from Kayla about infiltrating her Mom’s book club. I feel like… maybe… Archie or Maddie? Started a queer book club in their town? I cannot remember.

I have a book addiction. As in, I can easily buy 40+ books at a time, and then I am in debt. In an effort to curb my habit, I am buying one book at the end of each month to reward myself. What are the ones I should prioritise?

Riese: I think of books as like the #1 best way to spend your money so I am definitely the worst person to answer this. I will say just across the board to prioritize spending money on books by women, queer people, people of color, trans people, and small presses. Specific books people have been talking about a lot lately include The Chronology of Water (which Kristen Stewart is making into a movie), Her Body and Other Parties, Long Live the Tribe of Fatherless Girls and When They Call You a Terrorist.

Carmen: I’ve started a (sort of?) similar system where I’m no longer allowed to buy new books until I get through the small stack of six books on my nightstand. Those six are the books I most want to read out of my “previously bought” pile and then when I get through them, I’m only allowing myself ONE book a month, based on recommendations from a trusted friend. Maybe something like that would work for you, too?

What I’m saying is, start with what you’d be most disappointed in not reading first.

Hi, I think it would be cool to have someone write about femme fashion and how to signal you’re gay while maintaining your femme-ness! Thanks!!

Carmen: Oh I’m about to make your day! How about a vintage post from the Autostraddle deep archives – “You Need Help: Being the Visible Femme” by Dr. Lizz Rubin (who’s writing for this website was extremely helpful for me when I was first figuring out my femme self). While we’re here talking, I’d also recommend the anything by Aja and if you’re just looking for some solidarity, try reading Reneice Charles’ personal essay from this fall. Ah heck, here’s our entire Femme Fashion Archive! Have at it!

Riese: Also here are “5 Fashionable Ways to Signal Your Queer Girl Status”

So, I loved Vanessa’s post encouraging us all to just go ahead and assume that we’re hot! The problem is I’ve got super effed up trauma stuff going on with my body, to the point where even the idea of touching my body and examining it in a mirror and praising it as it is made me want to cry a little bit. I’ve more or less dissociated myself from my body completely except when I’m criticizing it or having sex, which just gets more and more messed up the more I think about it.

I want to get to a place where I can be nice to my body and even maybe assume that people into me partially BECAUSE of my body, not in spite of it. Vanessa, do you have any advice for those of us who maybe need a baby-step guide to assuming everybody thinks we’re hot?

PS: Please note that I am in therapy and am working on this in other ways; I don’t want anybody to feel the pressure of thinking they hold my whole body image in their hands like a small bird.

Vanessa: Hello friend! First of all I want to say thank you for writing to me, and thank you for sharing so many really vulnerable thoughts and feelings. I am so sorry about the trauma stuff you have experienced, and sorry that it has led you to this place with your body. I’m sure you already know this, but just to start I want to emphasize – trauma is not your fault, the relationship (or lack thereof) you currently do (or do not) have with your body is not a battle you need to win, and even having the desire to open a dialogue with yourself or with others about this is a huge step. I’m really proud of you.

My first suggestion would have definitely been therapy, so I’m thrilled that you’re already in therapy. I think being very clear with your therapist that you have a goal of wanting a different relationship with your body one day would be very helpful, if you haven’t already made that explicit, and also making sure you’re working with a therapist who will be understanding and supportive of your journey with your body, whatever that looks like for you.

My second suggestion goes back to something I wrote a little bit about in my article, which is the idea that your body and your physical appearance isn’t the only thing that can make you hot. The idea of hotness both as a self confidence tool and as a marker that will make you desirable to others can exist outside of the human body, blessed be. You might remember the ex girlfriend I described in the article who had a real smart brain and was a brilliant writer – she was hot and definitely knew she was hot but it exuded from her intellect and her way with words, not her body. That doesn’t mean you can’t aspire to both, or that folks who do find hotness in their bods aren’t smart – I just want to highlight that there are so many ways to lean into your hotness that do not involve looking at your bod in the mirror, etc.

My third suggestion, which I realize is a long term one and thus might feel frustrating, is to be patient with yourself. I don’t know when you experienced the trauma that made building a relationship with your body feel impossible, or if it is ongoing trauma, or really anything about your life. But I do know that living in this world can make all of us hate our bodies, and that unlearning that hate and then learning to love our bodies and believe in our bodies can take literally an entire lifetime. The good news? We’ve got nothing but time on this earth. Please be kind to yourself. This note you wrote leads me to believe you are gentle with yourself and your expectations, but I just want to really emphasize that! You’re worthy of this project. The project is you. You are worthy. You are worthy. You are so, so worthy.

Sending you love and strength and patience and one day, maybe, some body love, my friend. But in the meantime, I encourage you to find ways to revel in your hotness that are separate from your body. That’s allowed. You got this. Write me back and let me know how it goes. I believe in you. ❤️

For videos like “Getting in Bed With Kristin,” are there transcripts or captions available? I’m probably just looking in the wrong place. Thanks!

Heather: Unfortunately, we don’t have the resources to caption or provide transcripts for our videos like “Getting In Bed With Kristin.” This is actually the first time I can remember someone asking us for it, so I will definitely add it to our wishlist of services we want to provide for our content!

Carmen: I think there’s a way to do this on YouTube? We are definitely going to look into this! Top priority!

Riese: I have looked into it on YouTube and apparently it’s not possible while YouTube Studio is in beta (but was possible before they switched systems!), but that will change soon. It’s also on our priority list for the upcoming fundraiser. I’m fully aware that it is not acceptable to be making these videos and not making them accessible. Transcribing an hour-long video would be about a day or two of work and captioning would be maybe three days. I’m really really sorry that this hasn’t happened yet.

I work as a script supervisor in the British film industry, and last year I worked on a Sky TV show for teens called The Athena that features a lesbian character (whom you’re going to love, btw) and a bisexual character! Their stories are really well written! The show comes out in the UK on Sky this month and I highly recommend having your staff check it out!! (Obvs no one at the show is asking me to promote it. I just was involved with the filming and am excited for kids to have more queer characters in their stories).

Heather: Thank you for the tip; we absolutely will!

Riese you probably read this, but if not: Theme Park! Death! Waterside!

Riese: I did read it! It was in TIRTL some time ago I think. I remember Marni sent it to me because she knew it was up my alley, JUST LIKE YOU DID.

Hey, have you folks checked out the book Split Tooth by Tanya Tagaq? It’s dark at parts, but beautiful, and it seems like your kind of deal.

Rachel: I have checked this out! I haven’t read it yet but am really excited about it, and went on something of a journey trying to figure out if Tagaq has publicly identified as queer or two-spirit anywhere such that we might dedicate that particular type of coverage to it. Thank you for the rec!

Butches of Color in São Paulo, Brazil. Here’s the photographer’s IG!

Carmen: WOW!!! My, My My. Thank you for the gift.

Hi Autostraddle, Happy Valentine’s Day! I wrote my girlfriend an A+ Sex Diary about a week in our early relationship as a Valentine’s gift/joke. She thinks I should submit it. Would I use the regular submission form? (Also, we met through an Autostraddle meetup so THANK YOU!) Lots of love, Stella

Carmen: If you’re serious about this, you can absolutely just use the submission form our website! (Please be patient though, we are a small team and sometimes it takes a while for us to get back to you! Even though we love you with all our heart!)

Hey! So I’ve recently started questioning my gender. I am trying out the label ‘non-binary woman’ and using they/them as well as she/her pronouns. While I still strongly identify as a woman, I also don’t feel like my gender is binary? I feel so comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time in groups of only cis men or only cis women, and in completely different ways!

I’ve been surprised by how scary (but also exciting) I’m finding the process of using a new word to describe my gender. I haven’t been able to find much about people’s experience identifying as both non-binary and a man or woman, so I thought I’d ask you all if there’s anything in the Autostraddle archives on this topic. If not, I’d like to raise it as something I’d really love to read about in the future! Thanks for all the work you do ❤️

Carmen: You might like this roundtable, “What It Means To Call Ourselves Non-Binary.”

Riese: NOTED that this is something you’d love to read about in the future! I’m glad that this process has been exciting for you! It’s also something Rhea Butcher talks about a lot, if you follow them at all.

Also, just for the record, on our reader surveys, we do consistently have a bigger group of people saying they’d go by she/her OR they/them pronouns on than we do saying just they/them, which is just to say that you are not alone! I think there’s this idea that the non-binary option is there to solve everybody’s problems and discomforts with their gender, like that’s the solution to all these gender issues people experience and identifying as such will be the liberation you require for self-actualization — but it’s not necessarily that way for all people who identify that way or for people who end up not — partially or entirely — identifying that way. For a lot of people (myself included)… maybe nothing ever feels quite right, and that’s also an okay space to live in. Also Shannon Keating wrote a really good piece that’s kinda about this that I enjoyed.

Is it difficult to make spotify playlists? Not trying to add to your workload, but I love Abeni’s music posts, and it would be so great to just click directly to a spotify link when I hop in the car after work. I know you’ve done other playlists in the past, so I’m curious! Thanks for being the best beautiful hunks and babes.

Laneia: Love this journey for us, yes! I’ll see if Abeni can make this magic happen.

Do you know what I’d really love to see? A list of TV shows that are created/produced/written/directed primarily by women. Like, the kind of shows that aren’t just created by a woman and starring women, but the shows where when you look at their Wikipedia page, there’s hardly a man’s name in sight. Please help me find more things that are good in the way Harlots is Good, yknow?

Heather: Absolutely excellent idea!

Riese: This is something I’ve actually been taking notes on and assembling info on for literal years, so we’re well on our way and this will be the kick to make it happen! (I have a lot of posts that I do sporadic research for here and there.)

Have y’all watched any of the Netflix show Dating Around? The last episode is focused on queer ladies!

Riese: Hello, I enjoyed this show ambiently! I thought maybe somebody was writing about it for us, but maybe I imagined that. Anyhow the girl that the girl chose is a friend of a friend so that was funny, The Chart is wild y’all!

Book list request for Casey: A list of really great books about female friendship. Bonus points for queer – but they don’t have to be. Romantic relationships are great, but do you know what is also great? FRIENDSHIP!

Casey: I can definitely put this question in my queue for further columns! But also, I already did a column on queer friendships which you might be interested in!

What are your favourite books or essays that center around the theme of queer friendship? I’m writing a thesis about friendship among LGBTQ people and I want other sources than academic texts on the subject (though will gladly take academic suggestions if you happen to have any!). Thanks xo

Carmen: See Casey’s answer, directly above this one ^^^. She also did a book list about queer community.

Riese: Also, definitely check out everything we did for Gal Pal Month — there’s interviews between queer friends, essays about queer friendship, etc.

A few article ideas! Here you go: Would love more articles about adoptive parents! Or a series on weight loss/eating healthy in a non-obsessive, feminist, loving yourself, fat-friendly kind of way – that would be so great! Last one! A series on queer people of faith would be so awesome!

Carmen: There’s a lot of choices there! I just jotted them down in my notebook and we’ll see what happens!

Riese: Yes noted!! We do have this “Exploring the Messy, Imperfect Joy of Queer Foster-to-Adopt Parenting” essay and Kaelyn talks about being an adoptee in her Baby T-Rex series a lot (like here: Countdown to Baby T. Rex: Pregnant Adoptee Feelings and Dino Decal Decisions (29 Weeks))

We also have a lot of content about queer people of faith but I’m not sure where to begin and NOTHING IS TAGGED PROPERLY so I can’t just send you to a tag. But here’s some:

• Being Queer And Spiritual (Or Not): The Autostraddle Religion Roundtable
• 21 Queer Jews on Why We Love Being Jewish
• You Are Not the Only Queer Christian, I Swear to God
• La Virgen de Guadalupe: Brown Goddess in My Heart Forever
• The Woman in the Rainbow Tallit Was the Actual Rabbi
• Imagining the Promised Land
• How to Love Your Neighbor and Love Yourself by Reading the Bible for Pride
• How We Make Faith Tangible As Queers With Christian Roots: A Roundtable
• How Breaking Bread with Queer Christians Helped Me Rediscover Radical Love
• A Muslim RuPaul At The Dawn Of Islam: Tuwais and the Mukhannathun

We wouldn’t ever do a series on weight loss specifically, but we’d love to have more content about healthy eating and generally taking care of your body to feel good inside it.

Can we have some feminism up in here please?

Heather: It is, in fact, all we have up in here!

Laneia: The other day I looked for something to wear and everything was covered in feminism and I was like great now I have to do laundry.

Can we have an article or series on how to do cute queer hair? Like, I’m reading a Supergirl recap right now, and I love Alex’s hair. How does she mohawk it at work? I tried to get a cute S2 Alex haircut this winter, and I don’t know how to style it. Help me do cute S2 Alex hai! And queer hair generally. I beg you!

Carmen: Hmmmmm, try this article on for size – “7 Stylish Queers Share Their Short Hair Secrets.” And then take a plunge into our archive about Alternative Lifestyle Haircuts. Good luck!

Riese: There’s also Open Thread: How Do You Create, Keep & Care for an Alternative Lifestyle Haircut?, Autostraddle Readers Get The Six Queercuts You’re Going To Want This Fall and you could look through This Shit Rules and AM/PM for people who might have hair like yours and see what they’re using!

Hi! You are all amazing, thank you for taking care of us, I hope you’re taking care of yourselves too ❤️

MISC

Did Brittani Nichols stop using instagram?! I don’t have any of this social media stuff, but I was relying on her photos for job interview clothes inspiration. What happened? Now what do I do?

Stef: Brittani Nichols did not stop using Instagram but it is true that she posts a lot less than she used to. I’m not an expert on job interview clothes selection (I rely on H+M and Express, but I know their selection can be limited) so I asked Brittani directly. She left me on read.

A requiem for everyone going through friendship break-ups, the end of situationships, unrequited love and all the other losses that often aren’t acknowledged or we don’t know how to talk about.

Carmen: I have been there. I have felt this pain. Pouring one out in solidarity for all my homies going through it right now.

WAIT did them dot us steal Erin’s column?!?!

Laneia: FIRST IT WAS ELLEN AND NOW THIS. (I actually can’t bring myself to click this link because then I’ll need to meditate and I don’t have time for that.)

Riese: I also cannot bring myself to click that link.

Just gotta say, I loved that Melissa Etheridge/ Laneia twitter interaction. ❤️ Laneia, I too would have considered leaving home to stewardess at first. 😂

Laneia: Thank you for seeing me!!

I’ve spent the last hour rediscovering the 2017 Queers with Pets Photo Gallery. If you have trouble getting through the day I really truly recommend it.

Laneia: I’m so glad you liked it!! Those were so fucking uplifting and made me feel like we were all a big family! I kinda miss them.

The beautiful Black History Month call for submissions graphic gives my heart a little lift every time I see it! Looking forward to reading what comes in!

Carmen: Everything about Black History Month 2019 made me feel so great! I just loved it, from like the tips of my fingers and toes. The call for submissions graphics were actually a creative re-crop of Sarah’s BHM graphics from last year. Pretty nifty, huh?

Krysten Sinema. Because we can and should hold her accountable for her politics, but damn is it fun to see her dressing like that :)

Heather: Hear, hear!

Q1. What makes a butch a “Soft Butch?” Where is the cutoff point for Regular Butch?

Q2. What’s the difference between a tomboy and a soft butch?

Heather: There’s some actual theory around this, but honestly I’m not confident enough to speak intelligently on the butch spectrum. I always say I’m a tender butch, which is kind of like soft butch probably, but I just like the juxtaposition of the the words tender and butch; the dichotomy fits with a feeling in my heart. For me, it’s about being pretty masculine in the way I dress and even move my body around in this world, and I like the caretaker thing people associate with soft butches ’cause that’s very much me too. I’m very gentle. I really don’t know the answer to this question, is what I’m saying. I think like most identity labels, you just kind of have to feel it out for yourself!

Riese: Hmm, well I think it’s super subjective. Probably some people would say they are the same ultimately. Firstly “butch” is generally a term used exclusively within the queer community, and its history is very gay. Whereas “tomboy” is a term that is used widely by all people, including straight cis people. I was always called a tomboy as a child, but nobody ever would’ve called me soft butch, and as an adult straight woman, I was still often called a tomboy. (Once I became gay, that stopped happening because so many gay women are more masculine than me — I was apparently very masc for a het woman, but am seen even as femme as a gay woman, so!) I associate “tomboy” with a certain playfulness and … IDK why but like, sportiness? Maybe because it was so often applied to girls who played sports as kids. When I hear “tomboy” I think of me, and girls who played on boy’s baseball teams in movies, and skinned knees, and Ramona Quimby and Scout Finch.

When I think of butch, I think of a more deliberately masculine presence — probably short hair, wears men’s clothing, sometimes passes for male or is mistaken to be male. Maybe there is a certain tough/rough quality associated with “butch” whereas “soft butch” is a similar presentation but like, doesn’t necessarily know how to change a tire or is… Jesus anything i say is going to sound like a huge generalization that doesn’t speak to everybody’s experience IS THIS A TRAP.

According to the Lesbian Stereotype Survey:

• 43.7% of tomboys consider themselves to be sports fans, compared to 37.7% of butches, 35.2% of soft butches (and 21.25% of femmes)
• 7% of butches have never had a very short or “masculine” haircut, compared to 20% of soft butches and 30% of tomboys (and 53.5% of femmes)
• 61.4% of tomboys shave their legs, compared to 53% of soft butches and 36% of butches (and 74% of femmes)
• 17% of soft butches and 18.7% of tomboys wear makeup most days or every day, compared to 7.6% of butches (and 51.5% of femmes)
• 90.5% of butches shop in the men’s section, compared to 77% of soft butches, 73.5% of tomboys (and 28.5% of femmes)
• 21.5% of butches are completely confident they can change a flat tire, compared to 14.6% of soft butches and 16% of tomboys (and 8.6% of femmes)
• 42.7% of butches are completely confident they can start a campfire, compared to 33% of soft butches and 34.7% of tomboys (and 24% of femmes)
• 34% of butches and soft butches never watch sports, compared to 29.5% of tomboys and 47.8% of femmes
• Tomboys were more likely than any of the other groups, by factors of around 1.5x-2x, to currently play soccer, softball, basketball or golf, and came out on top for most sports besides rugby (butches won that round). Some sports had no statistically significant difference in this department, like roller derby and volleyball.

So it seems like they’re pretty much the same except one is just SLIGHTLY more than the other in those areas. I feel like I’m peddling in a lot of stereotypes here though so IDK how any of this is going to land. I honestly think that it just comes down to personal preference!

Where did the name “Autostraddle” come from? Any time I tell people about AS, they ask me what the name means and I always go 🤦🏻‍♀️

Riese: In 2006, i started a personal blog that ended up getting really popular, called This Girl Called Automatic Win, which people called “autowin” for short, which’s still my handle on most platforms! Some people called me that in real life! Then I started decided to start a spin-off blog to recap The L Word, starting weekly in Season Four after doing a Season Three warm up with DVDs. At the time, i was writing a book about bisexuality, entitled “The Road Best Straddled” (a play on “The Road Less Traveled”) and so I named my L Word recap blog “The Road Best Straddled” because I was confident the inevitable wild success of the blog would serve as handy viral marketing for the book. I never finished the book, obviously, but the recaps eventually parlayed into bigger and better things. Because my blog was called Autowin, my L Word blog was quickly dubbed “Autostraddle” and it was through those recaps and this community that I met the people that helped build Autostraddle proper, the place you are right now, which launched in 2009.

A bunch of my straight-women friends have been discussing with me how sex is all about power. I guess I don’t agree? There is always a power dynamic, but I feel like my experiences of queer sex have been about everyone getting what they want and need??

Heather: Yeah, I mean some sex is about power, even queer sex, but not all queer sex is about power. The way I have queer sex is definitely about everyone getting what they want/need (spiritually, physically, emotionally) and then everyone getting a nap or a good night’s sleep.

Laneia: I feel sorry for straight women.

Riese: Playing with power is also a way for everyone to get what they want and need, depending on what you want or need. Power, or being overpowered, can be a way for people to get what they want and need.

Cool Science Comments by that Official Science Babe, Chanda Prescod-Weinstein. (No, I am not Dr. Prescod-Weinstein.)

Carmen: I love Dr. Prescod-Weinstein! She’s also one of my favorite follows on twitter. Total science babe 😍

Am I obsessing more about fandom things because of seasonal depression or is it a wacky coincidence?

Heather: I think it’s probably a combination of things including the more time you spend on social media the more you obsess about fandom things, and the more you’re feeling that SAD drag, the more you’re on social media, and then the more you’re on social media, the more you feel that SAD drag! That’s true for me at least. Springtime cannot come fast enough.

Why don’t we determine lesbian dating compatibility based on which L Word character each person’s most like? Like, if I’m a Dana and you’re an Alice we should talk, but if I’m Dana and you’re a Shane or a Jenny then it’s clearly not gonna work. That’s gotta at least be more useful than astrology, right?

Carmen: Very little about astrology makes sense to me and literally everything about television makes sense to me, which is to say – I am VERY MUCH HERE FOR THIS!! I think I’m an Alice? But I fantasize myself as a Bette. So maybe I’m an Alice, Bette rising? With a moon in Jodi. Yes, this feels right.

Riese: I think Alyssa did this for all of us on twitter once and I can’t remember mine but it was good. My life’s dream is to be a Helena.

“Friends first” is a thing for lesbian couples, right? I know that sounds like a stupid question, but I can’t think of a single couple that I know, gay or straight, who were friends for a significant period of time before dating. Is there anybody on the editorial team who was good friends with their current partner before they started dating each other?

Carmen: I’m currently (perpetually) single, but I’ve been close friends with almost everyone I dated beforehand. This feels like a thing.

Laneia: Not me!

Riese: Sometimes! On two occasions that has been the case for me, but it’s usually not. I do recommend it though, it’s actually kind of nice to fuck somebody that you already know.

I super want to get into reusable menstrual pads (and buy a bunch through your affiliate links), but I have so many logistical questions! And Autostraddle is the number one place I trust for products that are marketed towards queer women. So, how do people keep their homes from really smelling? Is this only feasible if you have your own washing machine? And/or live somewhere the weather is not 85 degrees in February?

Laneia: I never notice a smell with mine! To be honest, I think a lot of the smell that we notice when we’re bleeding onto disposable items is being produced by a reaction happening between the blood and the disposable item. I keep my used pads folded up (like fold it in on itself and use the wing snaps to hold it together) in a laundry bag and wash them in a separate mini load later in the day or even the next day sometimes, and I’ve never had a smell issue.

Heading out to Salt Lake City at the beginning of June for a week-long job-thingy. Will have full days, but free nights. Heather talked on SLC in the recent A+ Advice Box column. I’m just getting in at the end of Pride and I’m curious about other things to do or places to go while I’m there. Do you have any recommendations for food or entertainment or drinks? Maybe we’ll get an updated version of the city guide between now and then? Tangentially, in these kind of scenarios – new city, no close friends, only in town for a week and looking to hang out but probably not sex it up – any advice on finding folks?

Heather: I’m not super familiar with the gay scene in SLC. My time there was mostly spent biking, kayaking, hanging out with a dear friend, touring breweries (the craft beer scene in SLC is really on the move!), and hiking/snowshoeing. But it looks like here’s a good leaping off point for events! Also check out the Utah Pride Center! (Not a very good chance of getting an updated City Guide, unfortunately. We’re working on revamping our process for those things, but we’re not there just yet!)

Riese: Um, I was recently there and it was great, we stayed at a super weird hotel and had dinner at a place called Eva, which had small plates and was delicious! You could try messaging @neonhighway, she lives there and might have some tips!

I would like to submit that any pressure to quickly climax in sex is a symptom of capitalism’s aversion to us using our time to enjoy ourselves and our own bodies. Let’s reclaim our time!

Laneia: Ok yes I like this theory and am on board.

How many birthday cards did you get all together!!? You shining rainbow beams you! 🌈

Carmen: I just quickly counted 30!!! You are all so amazing.

You are the bravest strongest magicians & witches of all time!!! You have transformed sooooo many of our realities for the much much better!!! Be proud. Get some good rest.

REALLY NICE THINGS YOU TOLD US

One of the new ways that I’ve committed to supporting Autostraddle (since year five in grad school isn’t doing my budget any favors) is to comment on every single article I read, which is basically all of them. Even for myself, when I write or share something on social media, I know that it feels way better when someone comments rather than just reading and silently appreciating. Plus, I think y’all said at some point that more comments mean better SEO or ad revenue? Something? And I’ve noticed that the process of formulating even a short comment on articles has made me appreciate them even more. Y’all are great.

I just wanted to say I love this website and community to pieces. I honest to goodness have absolutely no idea what I would have done the past seven-ish years of my life without it! You are lovely people doing amazing work and I’m so so grateful that y’all are still around!!!

Laneia: THANK YOU 😭 😭 We love comments so much!!! Thank you for being here.

Riese: Yes thank you so so so much! It does so much for the morale of us and our writers especially to have comments on their posts!

Laneia, your tenacity is a wonder. You are a wonder. I appreciate you.

Laneia: As I lay here on this unmade bed surrounded by planners and pens and dirty laundry and a plate that used to have one more bite of blueberry bagel on it before my cat dragged it off and into the floor, cheese-side-down, I have to say this message has truly lifted my spirits! Thank you!

Just an update that Al(aina)’s paragraph from here – “Domesticity is queer culture. It is taking a space, making it feel good for you, taking care of it, showing it love, and then letting that place show you love in return. I spend my mornings taking care of my house a little at a time, and in turn it’s a place where I and my guests feel free to be our whole selves.” – continues to validate & enrich my life every day!!!!

Al(aina): Friend, I am so happy you are living your best clean house dreams. I just steam-cleaned my carpets and I feel amazing. Thank you for reminding me that I wrote that! It’s funny, right after my cat Buffy died, I would just start crying while doing housework, like just sobbing while washing dishes or scrubbing the toilet. But then I felt so good after. I took care of my home and my home took care of me. Ugh, why can’t I be a housewife yet.

I just wanted to say that you guys have had such wonderful content!!!!! The roundtables, Heather’s beautiful article about anxiety that helped me be more gentle with myself, a truly DELIGHTFUL A+ posts, Abeni’s music post full of great gems, and so much other stuff! I love being an A+ member and I’m looking forward to upgrading my membership! I am so grateful for all of your hard work and dedication. Much love. I hope you all are hydrated and are eating delicious fruit.

Laneia: Thank you!! I hope to eat an orange later!!

Riese: THANK YOU THANK YOU!

For some reason, I woke up with the words “Like love was a thing I could do” on my mind. I knew (even if I don’t really know how I knew) that it was the title of an AS piece, so I came here and found it. I don’t know why it felt so vital all of a sudden today, when I had never read it before and hadn’t even bookmarked it for a later read, and yet I knew deep inside that I needed to read it. Riese, I don’t know why I came to it today, but thank you for having written it six years ago. Somehow, for some reason, it was exactly what I needed to read today ❤️

Riese: Guess what! Somehow, for some reason, this was exactly what I needed to read today.

FYI I got my scissoring sweatshirt! It’s gorgeous and warm and I’ve already gotten one awkward question about it, from a TSA agent no less! You folks are wonderful!

Carmen: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

You all make it so we get to receive terrible news (and good news!) in community. And you are doing it on the dang internet! That is such a dream. Such a dream. Such a dream. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Carmen: I feel the exact same way. Thank you for being a part of that community with us.

I am going to bump my membership up once I get my tax refund! That is going to be the one non-necessary thing I do, but I kinda think it is necessary. I don’t know what I would do without AS! I can’t wait until I have a better job, and I can be in the highest tier membership. And also, buy alllll the merch!

Carmen: Thank YOU! You are such a superhero! (Be sure to spend at least a little of that tax refund on you! Treat yourself!)

Hey, it’s your birthday! I sent you money and now send lots of love. As always AS, mercikes (that means thank you)

Carmen: Graag gedaan (did I get that right?)

Just upgraded my subscription because I love you guys SO MUCH and I want you to have nice things.

Laneia: LOVE YOU.

I love all the enhancements you’ve made to the bottom of the page, like the link to the affiliate shopping and the donate button! I hope it brings in lots of revenue for you! 😍

Sarah: WHY THANK YOU WE HOPE SO TOO! xoxo

I normally keep up on everything in posted within a day or two, but there has been SOOO much great content lately! and life has been busy! So I’ve had a few days when I’ve had to catch up on a week or two of articles. It’s been a while since I’ve read so much AS content in a row like that, instead of one by one. Both ways are totally different but equally great experiences. Thank you for always being wonderful!

Carmen: Isn’t finding new ways to read things the best!?!?

Heather – I wanted to tell you that I started meditating using Headspace because of your repeated recommendations! And after your adorable cat anxiety post, now whenever my thoughts wander, I picture my focus as a little black kitten, I say “come back here, cutie!” and imagine it trotting back to me. It works! And I don’t beat myself up! So, thanks!

Heather: You have just absolutely made my day and I just gave Dobby a smooch right on the head on your behalf. Keep being gentle with yourself, friend!

Just wanted to say the illustrations for headers, dividers, and especially the new quarterly issues, have been completely lovely!

Sarah: AHHH THANK YOU SO MUCH THAT MEANS A LOT! <3

The yearbook is amazing!!!! I’ve cried several times reading it. You are all a really wonderful bunch of humans. And! I want to say— reading the yearbook today, there was a mention that when A+ was first announced in 2014 you all got some negative pushback from readers. When I read that today, I was like “how dare they!” And then I thought about it more and I was like… wait was I one of those people? I don’t know that I commented negatively about it, but I remember thinking at the time “I can’t afford to pay, why would I pay, this sucks, is the whole website gonna be paywalled?” Etc etc. Just sour grapes basically.

Now, I can’t imagine NOT paying for this invaluable service you provide. ❤️ I’m sorry I didn’t pay you sooner! AS is a lifeline, and I want to do everything I can to preserve it (for myself and all the other wonderful queerdos in this community)!

Laneia: YOU ARE A LIFELINE, FRIEND. DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT.

Riese: A TOTAL LIFELINE YES. Also if you wanna see who said what back then, it’s all right here for the history books! We were so surprised by the response honestly, it was such a bummer. I’m glad that everybody who is currently reading this sentence gets it.