Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we’ve decided to dedicate an entire post to answering them every month instead! We think this will be a lot of fun for everybody in the whole family. We have included as many as we can. We love you, your hair looks fantastic today!

A-CAMP, MERCH, BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

So, just how dire is dire? Like, what would be the dollar amount you would need to be safe moving forward? I’m looking to if at all possible address this anonymously (as that’s the kind of donor I like to be).
Riese: Things are more dire than they have ever been but that could change soon in a very major way. We are … basically in a weird holding pattern right now where a few things MIGHT be on the horizon, but we don’t know how far away the horizon is and we don’t know for sure that the horizon will even be there. We might still be in this cave in a few months at which point we’d have to make some pretty major decisions about how to proceed. I wish I could give more detail than that but I can’t right now!  However, even if that horizon is beautiful and bright and all we ever dreamed it would be — we still need about $20k to get us from here to there. But every little bit helps!

Oh my goodness, did y’all recently(ish) get new affiliates? I hadn’t checked the page in a while and was super surprised/excited about how many places were on there! I’m looking forward to so many new ways to support Autostraddle while online shopping :)
Riese: We’ve gotten a few new ones but the main thing you might be noticing is that the page itself got an awesome redesign that makes it all so much easier to navigate!!! Yes go shopping!

I think it’d be cool if you write a non A+ post about what it would actually take for Autostraddle to be financially stable for the next year (or two). Radical transparency! The A+ post about AS finances (a few months ago?) made me so happy about supporting and I also upped to a Gold membership as a result of it. I think a public post about money coming in and going out would help make it real for some ppl who read AS and are vaguely like ‘I should probs join/up my membership but I’ll do it later.’ YOU ALL ARE AWESOMEEEEEE!!!
Riese: Yes! As soon as I have a better idea of what that looks like, I will do it (See my answer to the first question)

I have two (non-pressing, probably already asked) questions about buying things! I’m p sure the first is a big ol ‘”no”, but i can always hope…… 1) is there any way we can buy the issues in print form? my new Life Goal is to have every autostraddle issue in print form on my bookshelf 2) can existing a+ members buy those “i support autostraddle” enamel pins?
Riese:

1) I’m not sure! Our hesitation here would be that in general when we have made things in print form, they did not sell super-well! We eventually sold out of those ‘zines but that was after a lot of markdowns and a lot of them were sold on sale, so the profit margin was VERY wee. I’m still glad we did it, and designing print items is something we always enjoy, but we’d have to re-negotiate rights with all the authors and send them all free copies and print all the things and I’m not sure about the cost-benefit ratio there. But I do think it sounds like a really cool idea and I wish everybody was like you and then we could do it! Maybe we will! Who knows!

2) I will think about if there would be a way for this to happen! Just FYI though the shipping alone is pretty intense — it’s $2.66 domestic, $9.50 Canada/Mexico and $13.30 internationally. (Did we know that when we decided to do pins? OF COURSE WE DIDN’T LOL)

Hello yesterday at a bi celebration I saw someone wearing a “Gender Traitor” t shirt but it wasn’t the Autostraddle one, and I just wanna say that the AS design is much better! Ok that’s all! Your hair looks great! Drink some water and give yourselves a pat on the back for all the great work you do!
Sarah: Bisexual celebrations! Merch compliments! Wow tysm, I am going to my kitchen right now to drink the biggest glass of water I’ve had all day. I truly needed this, so thank you friend.

Hi, AS webmasters! Has there been a change in the way the sidebar is coded? I tend to read AS at work and until last week, compressing my web window (in width) could make the sidebar disappear, which left only text in the window – and that was perfect for stealth reading. Now the sidebar remains at any width, full of popping colors and beautiful people… way less stealthy! Or did my browser update and cause the change? Anyway, if you have any tips for stealth AS reading, I’ll take them. Love, lsh
Cee: The sidebar goes away if the browser width is under 800 pixels, and that hasn’t changed. Perhaps you just need to resize it a bit smaller!

Is it too soon to say I really want Andrea Long Chu to be at A Camp next year? ?
Heather: No, it is not too soon! It is always the right time to say such a thing!

I’ve noticed recently that when I try to access Autostraddle on my iphone the menu in the upper left corner doesn’t do anything when I click on it… is it just me? :-/
Cee: Sorry to say I think it may be just you! If this is still happening, please email Cee at techsupport@autostraddle.com.

So a couple merch questions, ’cause I wanna be visible to my family over the holidays and I wanna support y’all for your wonderful work. 1. Lavender Menace! Ha! I love the name and the history and the whole idea and the color of those shirts… but I’m bi, not lesbian. So I probably shouldn’t appropriate, huh? (Sigh. I wanna be a Lavender Menace.) 2. What’s up with the Bi Bi Bi T-shirt? It’s got an E after every Bi and I keep thinking that must be some joke or queer culture reference I am missing. 3. Any chance of long-sleeved versions of either of those shirts?
Rachel: Hm I don’t think the historical roots of Lavender Menace are specific to lesbians necessarily; it comes from straight second-wave feminists wanting to silo LGB women and their interests in general, I don’t think there was really a clause that said “except bisexual women, they’re fine and can stay.” I’m bi and was the one to suggest the shirt idea and also wear mine all the time! The E on the Bi shirts is from the N*Sync Song “Bye Bye Bye!” I don’t think there will ever be long-sleeved versions, no, but you could wear a long-sleeved shirt under it as a cool early 2000s throwback!

Techy/website thing: I was rereading some of my favorite older pieces and noticed that on many of the posts (e.g., How To Leave Your Husband (Because You’re a Lesbian)) the comments no longer load! I’m not sure if this is intentional (there are like 400 on this essay) or a glitch but thought I’d flag it.
Cee: Some of our older articles with lots of comments have the comments intentionally turned off, such as the one you’re mentioning

How come sometimes the thumbnail photos of the articles change on the homepage?
Heather: Usually because once they’re up and we look at them we think to ourselves, “Hmm, I know a thing that would actually be more engaging than this.” And so we change it out!

How many people are there in A+?
Riese: As of this moment (Thursday November 1st 2018), there are 2,899 paid A+ members.

Any word on the dates for camp next year? I don’t want to be a bother but coming from overseas I need to submit a leave form early and take advantage of any airline specials
Hiya! When’s the next A Camp please? My wife and I could love to attend. Cheers, Marvo
I need to schedule my PhD defense, and im super worried it will be at the same time as Acamp! When might we know the dates??
Riese: Around the second week of June, I believe.

All of a sudden I started getting emails from AS/WordPress every time a new post goes up. What’s w/that?
Cee: That’s a feature you must have signed up for awhile ago — we had it turned off for a long time and I was fiddling around with it a couple weeks ago. I’ve turned it back off again. Let me know if you’re still receiving these emails (you shouldn’t be!).

Just thought you should know, I clicked on several of the affiliate links (not sure which ones, but all in the clothing section) and they came back as inactive links on shareasale.com.
Sarah: Hey! Thanks so much for the heads up. I just went through and checked the clothing section and it looks like the links are all working now! Because the link has to pass through several dimensions (lol clearly, I am not a tech person) the load time can lag a little bit. But you’re all set to shop your face off — and thanks as always for supporting us through commercialism. We very much appreciate it!

Might I request some they/them clothing, like a hat or sweatshirt? Sometimes I need everything about me to scream out my pronouns in the vague hope that people will finally get them right.-ym
Sarah: You’re in luck, we have some exceptional nonbinary merch brewing in the Autostraddle studios (aka my very cute apartment) right now! There’s talk of a coupla tees that are as clever as they are cute, but even more immediately — we already have a They/Them enamel pin! And psst! In a little over a month we are getting a larger version of this very pin! So… lots to look forward to. Stay tuned, friend.

hello, i am shipping the models who are posing in the soft butch tees together, tyvm
Yvonne: They’re super cute! I agree!

I would buy ALL the “Make it gay you cowards” merch
Yvonne: Kate Leth has this cool pin you can get right now!

Hello! Just began listening to the Queery podcast episode with Riese and she mentioned that you can get an email when A Camp dates are decided by typing your email into something on the A Camp website but I can’t find anything to type it into. Am I missing something? Thank you! Much love and appreciation for all you do!
Sarah: You might have a pop-up blocker enabled on your browser! If that still doesn’t solve the problem, reach out to me at sarah[at]autostraddle[dot]com with your email address and I’ll add you myself!

“My girlfriend just left for a work trip for the next few days and instead of spending my evening alone I’m now spending it alone and on autostraddle. Thanks for being here darlings <3”

ALL-CONSUMING NEEDS TO SHARE

This seems like the right place to share that when I don’t want random strangers to know my real name I introduce myself as Olivia Cruise and no one has called me out yet.
Rachel: Has anyone ever said “Olivia… cruise me”

Yvonne: But then what if the random stranger was being polite and instead they sent a text to their queer group chat and was like “omg, someone’s real name is Olivia Cruise.”

i bought a ring of keys enamel pin and it made me think of the a-camp a capella group and all the wonderful humans i met this year and I MISS CAMP. you are all magnificent.
Heather: At last camp the a capella group practiced near my bedroom window, and every afternoon when I was in there working, I’d open it up and listen to them singing while the breeze floated in and it was so peaceful. Hey, I miss camp too!

Hello! My “pressing question” is more of a meandering interrogation that can wait. Is it because of heteronormativity and the patriarchy that “Mommi” or “Mami” (Spanish is my mother tongue) said in a sexual context throw me off completely? I suppose so, because “Daddy” doesn’t gross me out as bad and in some rare occasions, might even turn me on (though Papi is possibly even worse than anything to me, as I literally see my father’s face when mentioning it). Also, for more context, I quite enjoy power exchange dynamics. This is probably a case of “your kink is not my kink but your kink is OK”, but kinks don’t exist in a vacuum, and I am curious as to whether I am the only one, or if there are others (possibly with more answers) sharing this perplexity. Thanks!
Rachel: You’re not the only one! Certainly there are plenty of people who are into that in bed and that’s great; I stand with you as also not being one of them despite being into power exchange in general. You’re fine, I don’t think it’s the patriarchy, and it’s super fine and normal to want to avoid doing or saying stuff that will literally make you see your dad’s face, don’t even worry about it.

I just wanted to share that I asked some of my exes and someone I’m currently dating to list the things I do/did that are detrimental to our rlship and it was a rly great exercise. Obvs not ideal if you’re on shit terms with your ex but if y’all are friendly and you’re thinking ‘ah how can I be a better gf in the future?’ then id rly recommend just asking. they said some things I never would have realised on my own. it feels good to have written down these behaviours so I can easily check myself in the future and try to avoid them.
Heather: That is a very brave and mature and self-aware thing to do! I think you’re correct that the circumstances have to be right to take that step, and just really glad you found it to be such a rewarding experience!

Laneia: Whew I could never.

y’all i saw fun home in london a couple weeks ago and i have not stopped thinking about it. i have never seen myself so reflected in media! i AM middle alison!!! i cried like four separate times. all hail the lesbian comic queen alison bechdel
Heather:

Hello little comment box I just have an overbearing need to share that I just bought an engagement ring that in some point in the near future I’m planning on giving to the girl that’s gonna be my fiancee some day (soon) and I’m very excited and I need to share that I’m excited, but also that I’m slightly terrified because she’s v hard to buy for in terms of jewellery and what if she doesn’t like it??!! And I bought it online coz it’s personalized and what if it comes and it’s not how I imagined??!!! Or it doesn’t fit correctly even though I know the size of her finger??!! Ok I’m gonna stop stressing because it’s probably fine but I’m excited nonetheless and thank you for listening to me, little comment box! Love you all!
Riese: If it doesn’t fit correctly you just take it to a jeweler and get it re-sized! People do this all the time. I say this as somebody whose ex-fiancee did get her a ring that was not the correct size. I got it re-sized but then we broke up. Anyhow this isn’t about me it’s about you!!!! I think you should say, and this is probably good practice for marriage, “if you don’t like this you can tell me, it’s okay! I want this to be something that you want to wear” and maybe she will wear it as a necklace if she doesn’t like it around her finger, you know? But I think the main thing is that it comes from you, a person she loves, and looking at it will likely remind her of just that.

y’all I got GAY ENGAGED this weekend! Love is not a lie and everything is beautiful.
Heather: AHHHHH! Congratulations, I am so happy and excited for you!

Laneia: LOVE U BOTH ? Be careful with the words that come out of your bodies. I’m just saying.

I’m trying desperately not to email my ex-girlfriend, so I’m writing to you instead. Every new revelation about a famous, powerful man that has been made since the #metoo movement began has been heartbreaking and terrifying, but for me, the revelations about Kavanaugh have been the worst. In part because the stakes are so much higher, and in part because it really feels like history is repeating itself, and he’s going to be confirmed regardless, just like Clarence Thomas. But also in part because the incident and actions described by Professor Christine Blasey Ford sound so eerily identical to what happened to my ex-girlfriend in high school, which she told me about when we were dating last year. She and I were together as the #metoo movement got its start – we read about the Weinstein allegations together, we would text each other as every new revelation came out, we watched Confirmation together. And I would hold her when she woke from nightmares, trembling and drenched in sweat, reliving what had happened to her 12 years earlier. We broke up in December, and I’ve been doing my best to get over her ever since. We live in different cities now, and we made a rule that we couldn’t contact each other except in a few specific, extraordinary circumstances, which did NOT include the possibility of a SCOTUS nominee being accused of sexual assault that sounded exactly like what she’d been through herself. But I’ve been thinking about her so much this week, as the Kavanaugh revelations have come out. Every time I listen to a podcast I know she also listens to, or read a paper I know she reads, or see a tweet from someone I know she follows, and Kavanaugh gets mentioned, I think about how she’s dealing with it. I want to know that she’s okay. That she has people to talk to. It fucking kills me to think about it, but I even hope that she has someone to hold her when the nightmares get too bad. It’s not my place to know these things, or be that person for her anymore. And contacting her now would probably not be good for either of us. But still.
Heather: Oh gosh, friend. I am so sorry. That sounds nearly unbearably hard. Almost every single woman I know was personally negatively impacted in some way by those hearings (and of course will continue to be impacted by his future decisions on a broader level). I think you made the right decision to write to us and not to her; those boundaries are in place for a reason, and it probably would have done more harm than good for both of you for you to cross them at that time. If she’d wanted to reach out or needed to reach out, she likely would have — so maybe there’s comfort in knowing that? That she was likely receiving support? I think it was a very mature and ultimately compassionate thing for you to honor the boundary promises y’all made, even though it broke your heart all over again to do so.

Riese: If it makes you feel any better I went through similar feelings about two different exes who I wanted to talk to about the Kavanaugh hearings too, for reasons I won’t get into here, but the reason was different for each of them and entirely unique to each of them. One of them I’ve chosen not to talk to, the other doesn’t want to talk to me. (I wanted to be friends and thought the things about us that did actually work are things that translate easily to a friendship, but their perspective is what it is) And those feelings about those exes, who I normally don’t want to talk to, made how I already felt that week — which was AWFUL, like just nonstop wallowing in memories of boys like Kavanaugh in my own life and fear for our future — like 100 times harder to deal with. I’m not really a person who cuts people out unless they have REALLY fucked with me. And honestly I feel like that week kicked me in the shins and I don’t know if I’ll be getting up again! This isn’t advice, I guess, but Heather already gave you that. It’s just solidarity. [UPDATE: I had a few much-better weeks after I wrote this answer and I feel better now, so!]

hello dears! oh boy am I angry at men today.
Rachel: Oh honey me too. Do you want a Triscuit

Laneia: Déjà vu.

Today is my orientation for dental hygiene school and I wore my gayest outfit as armor. I love being a queer. Have a great weekend, everyone!
Yvonne: Three cheers for being gay!

Laneia: I love being a queer AND I love dental hygiene so I am REALLY feeling you right now!

I bought tinted chapstick yesterday (Burt’s Bee’s, specifically, it’s great!) and I just realized how lesbian that is and I needed everyone on Autostraddle.com to know.
Rachel: This is extremely lesbian! Congratulations. I like the Chapstick brand one in Merlot!

GUYS I BOUGHT THE MENSTRUAL CUP and it’s great!! I had used one other kind that I could never get right and this one was perfect and so easy!!!!
Sarah: OMG Congratulations! I also bought the XO Flo Mini and it’s the cutest and best. I let our friends at GladRags know about your glowing review and they said “LOVE THIS!! THANK YOU!”

Laneia: I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU. I’m wearing mine as I type this and every time I empty it — literally every time and I almost wish I could go at least one time without thinking this — I think, “I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR THIS CUP.”

So, my friend has been asking me for a lot of advice concerning identity. She has a longterm, monogamous, male partner, and 100% is staying with him. But she also has been struggling with thinking she wants to be queer, and she thinks she is asexual. I’m not really sure how to help her since she isn’t breaking up with her partner, so has no chance to explore whether she is queer, or is asexual, or just maybe is actually really gay.
Heather: I think the best thing you can do any time anyone is questioning certain aspects about their identity is be a good, informed, compassionate listener who is ready to provide good resources if they’re solicited from you. I also think it’s important for people who are thinking about identity in new ways to have someone to talk to who doesn’t really have a stake in the outcome of what they learn and decide about themselves. Just being that person is helping. It’s about being in the process in the moment, not about any kind of outcome.

Laneia: Wow Heather’s really good at this.

Y’all – I just wanted to thank the team for teaching me so much over the years. I actually had my dad call me today to ask whether or not I thought he was a bigot after someone reacted to a comment he shared (it was a bigoted comment, for sure). It eventually turned into me explaining what privilege is, how it affords him safety and freedom to move through places and society, and finally how other people don’t exist to be objects of attraction. I think he really got it. I’m still dumbfounded by the whole exchange. I just needed somewhere to share this. Go Dad! I hope he starts questioning some of his thoughts and beliefs. It’s important that we all keeping growing and learning.
Heather: This is a good feeling! I have experienced it quite a lot with the men in my family in recent years. I mean, yes, it’s exhausting, but there’s some hope in there too, isn’t there?

You guys always tell me over and over again not to fall for a straight girl yet here I am, pining over a straight girl. The thing is I really thought something was developing between us, enough to catch me off guard tbh. But now she’s talking about getting hit on by some guy and texting with him, and I just feel so crushed.
Heather: I’m so sorry that’s happening to you. Yes, it’s true that we should all try very hard not to fall for straight girls. But it’s also true that most of us have done it (at least once) and the last thing you need to do right now is add self-judgment to your heartache. Now you can take steps to protect your heart in the way you know you need to — but do it gently, lamb.

overwhelming sadness! at work! can’t share with anyone real right now! must tell anonymous box to see if that frees up some mental bandwidth from the sad!
Sarah: God, if this wasn’t so relatable right now? But it is, and I am, and I know you’re probably far beyond your sadness but as I sit in mine I feel a bit comforted knowing there’s solidarity here. DEEP SIGH. I hope telling us this helped free up the mental bandwidth. I feel a little better myself.

Laneia: Fuck me UP same same same.

Autostraddle, I need to share my joy with you! Yesterday, I watched „My days of mercy“ at our local queer film festival (watched „Rafiki“, too, and am going to see „Miseducation of Cameron Post“ and „Disobedience“ and a bunch of short films and documentaries, the festival is always so damn good), not knowing what to expect because my girlfriend picked it and I was too busy with work to check, and I just want to let you know that it’s amazing and sad and hilarious and has sex scenes that got sleep-deprived me wide awake very fast and Ellen Page was stellar and my crush on Kate Mara reached a level I didn’t know was possible. And it‘s autumn and the sun is shining and the cat is snoring and life is good (even if it isn‘t). Love to all of you and thank you so much for your hard work and the safe space you all created for our community.
Yvonne: Yess for queer films and autumn!!

Why is it that I’ve now dated two people for a significant amount of time (one relationship was five years long; the other, one year – it just ended), and both people have said that I “changed their lives,” but then ended up dumping me?
Riese: I don’t know! Someone who said I saved their life eventually ended up temporarily ruining mine, so it’s hard to say why people do what they do. But also someone can change your life and still not be right for you. At the end of the day I think it comes down to like a certain spark, you know? And either you have it or you don’t. You can love someone and that can not be enough, you can be perfect on paper and that can not be enough. So many things can be not enough.

“I’m about to write the first draft of the majority of my thesis and I’m feeling sentimental. I seriously don’t think I’d have explored even a part of what it’s about or become interested in what I’m now hoping to build my life around, if it hadn’t been for Autostraddle kind of shaping me as I grew into my queerness and adulthood. Like I couldn’t be who I am and do what I do if y’all didn’t as well. <3 thank you doesn’t seem like enough.”

HAVE YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS / I NEED INFORMATION/ ARTICLE IDEAS

Hey! I was wondering… can I request a Style Thief column about how to steal Jamie Lee Curtis’ entire aesthetic from her role in Halloween (1978)? I mean. Those high-rise bell bottoms are both a) amazing things that I need and b) not something I usually run into in Target. Idk if JLC is queer culture, but Halloween definitely is!
Laneia: All horror is queer culture, as is Halloween as you correctly stated, and the 1970s in general, AND all final girls are queer culture in a very specific way that can only be discussed when you’re extremely high during a full moon. So! I will take your request and work on making your dreams come true!

Can we get an article on how to get yourself the perfect masculine-of-center haircut? I know the answer is always “Bring pictures!” but I guess I don’t just want examples of Good Hair, but rather actual instructions on HOW to actually get there when you’re in the seat. (Without resorting to “It’s been 6 weeks and I’m a shaggy mess with a lot of gender ish. Please fix this BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I DON’T WANT A WISPY PIXIE CUT.”) What do you tell your stylist? What’s the language? What exactly is the difference between a taper and a fade? What are the different clipper guard sizes? How do you hair???
Riese: You should definitely browse the Alternative Lifestlye Haircut tag on Autostraddle — it’s a bit of a mixed bag because nobody cares about me enough to tag their work properly, but there’s some gems, including this interview with a hairstylist about how to get yourself an alternative lifestyle haircut. But this is a really good idea and if anybody reading this knows some hairstylists and would like to pitch us this piece please do!

Hi all, can you link some of your favorite pieces about grief — on AS or not? I recently lost a loved one for the first time and feel lost at sea. I know some of y’all have also experienced intense loss, so please help?
Rachel: I’m so sorry you’ve lost someone, and hope for healing for you. My favorite pieces about grief are Cheryl Strayed’s “The Love of My Life,” Riese Bernard’s “Before You Know It Something’s Over“, and while it’s a book and not an essay Joan Didion’s The Year of Magical Thinking. “The Friend” by Matthew Teague is maybe not exactly what you’re looking for but affected me a lot and I feel called to share it with you for some reason!

Riese: Yes obviously I would recommend my own piece that Rachel linked to and also The Year of Magical Thinking is probably the most important book to me. Also Gaby wrote this about what she learned in a year of grieving and I wrote a thing about helping your grieving partner that might help you help yourself.

Hello gang! So my baby sister (she’s 14, 12 years younger than me) came out to me a few weeks ago, and I am super excited that I’m going to get to share all sorts of cool queer shit with her now. But! I’m finding that basically 12 years is a massive generational gap and like… I don’t know what the queer kids do nowadays? Would appreciate any suggestions for go-to blogs/websites/articles etc. for like 12-16 year olds. (Reassurance that 26 is not old also welcome.) Thank youuu!
Heather: 26 is not old! And 12 years probably feels like an enormous age gap right now (and it is, of course, at 14 and 26) but the older you both get the less those age gaps will matter. I’m 39 and good friends with so many people in their mid-20s precisely because we are queer, and so we have so many similar life and pop cultural touchstones we can always come back to. I’m so happy your sister has you, and that you have her now too. It’s gonna be a good life for both of you, together.

i would love to read more articles by reneice on mental health!
Laneia: Me as well!!!

how in lesbian jesus’ name has there not been a style thief for cate blanchette in oceans 8??
Riese: My dear friend: How to Dress Like Cate Blanchett’s Ocean’s 8 Character, Who Is Definitely Queer, Right?

do yall have any good, current etsy store recs?
Yvonne: We’ve published some really cool gift guides full of awesome Etsy stores like this one, this one and this one. But guess what? Holigay season is upon us and we’ll have way more Etsy store recs soon!

Could we possibly have a how to guide and advice on buying men’s underwear and shorts/pants, figuring out sizes and things
Riese: Hm, we do have these:

• • Briefly Noted: Underwear for Your Masculine Center (excerpt: “What makes “men’s” underwear exclusively for men? Is it still men’s underwear if I’m wearing it? Answers: a) absolutely nothing and b) no, sir.”
  • Boyshorts and Girltrunks 102: Your Queer Underwear Guide
  • The dapperQ Underwear Survey Surveys Your Underwear Anxieties and Dreams
  • The Style Manual: Suits 201 (talks about pants)
  • The Jeans Issue (but is from 2011)

In conclusion, could you be a tiny bit more specific?

Can we have a round table on the staff’s tattoos and their feelings about them?
Heather: Here’s a good hopping off point!

My lovely Autostraddle-Team, have you ever done/considered an article about cool women in electronic music? I know of a few very cool and even queer(!) DJanes and producers here in Europe (unfortunately not so much in the US, except maybe The Black Madonna, who I love)… I’d love to help out or maybe (arghh!) even pitch something if so far no one has declared this an area of interest. Love the work you do, so so much!!! xxx
Yvonne: I don’t think we’ve done an article on that topic. Music isn’t really a beat we cover now unless it’s like timely or like about a trend or something that’s being talked about a lot.

Riese: Yeah we do stuff about popular musicians or cool music videos that everybody is talking about but in general whenever we’ve done anything beyond that… nobody has cared or read it or commented on it and then the author feels sad.

Laneia: DJANES!!!!!!!!!!!

Should I get on Twitter? I’m one of those people who is only on Facebook (since 2006) and it’s always been kind of a time suck and now I’m barely there bc it’s de press ing! I’m trying to weigh if it would be helpful to be on Twitter, for making connections w/ other rad queers and activists… even tho it’s a whole other platform to learn and I worry about having another thing to distract me on my phone. As it is now, when I’m zoning out I usually just google celebs or other ppl I like and I just read their tweets without having an account and logging in. (Which makes me think like, ok you’re on here so much maybe you should just make an account.) Maybe someone who is good at Twitter could publish a primer on how to join this platform at 30+ years old and not look like a fool? Also, in the grand scheme of things, this is a small small thing to be struggling with. I also have that sense of like, “the world is on fire. I don’t want to join Twitter so I can have a front row seat to the flames.”
Rachel: Honestly, as a heavy Twitter user I would say now is… not the time to join that platform necessarily. It is a pretty unrelenting fire hose of bad news and endless takes on the same bad news, and while it is certainly one way to connect with other radical queers it is not the only one, especially if you’re figuring out how to use it for the first time. If you’re looking for something new I feel like Instagram might be a better fit for you; you can be more selective about what content you see and who you interact with!

Laneia: “A front row seat to the world as it burns” is exactly perfectly Twitter. Wow.

I just scrolled through 10 pages of food related content trying to see if this already existed and now I have too many tabs open and not enough patience left BUT i’ve been loving Reneice’s baking column and would also love a gift guide to essential/beginner baking tools and supplies (that I could than buy all for myself). I’m trying to upgrade my thrift store and inherited from roommates and exes hodgepodge low quality kitchen things and keep putting ridiculous things on my wishlist that I know aren’t actually necessary. I don’t need a stand mixer when I don’t even have a square baking tin, you know?
Heather: This is a great idea! In the meantime, here’s Reneice’s baking-themed holigay gift guide from last year. It features gifts for bakers at all different skill levels!

Can you make an updated list of queer-owned businesses for us to shop at?
Yvonne: I mean the one that Riese made was pretty comprehensive and still current! Do you have any recs?

Loving the series Be a change! An idea for a post: Activism Tips for Introverts.
Yvonne: That’s a great idea! I’ll pass it on to KaeLyn.

i’m finally seeing the light at the end of the election work tunnel & going to montreal with my partner in november! The queer girl guide seems like it needs an update, any recs from canadian straddlers?
Laneia: Canadian straddlers please tell this person what to do in Montreal in November!! I think our #1 advice is wow it’s gonna be so cold take a parka.

Can we have a Sex Diary from someone single living in rural or suburban nowhere in which there is nobody to fuck and sometimes you have to remember to masturbate because i bet that’s a significant % of your readership beyond city folk
Rachel: Here is a sex diary from someone living in a rural-ish area, and here is a sex diary about masturbation!

Hello hi just a request/ideas for articles! Ideas on sustainability/going green – swapouts (like we just bought some silicone “lids” to use on like everything instead of plastic wrap and they are awesomeeeee), recycling management ideas for teeny tiny studios to big country houses, queer businesses in the world of sustainable products/saving the planet…….a holigay gift guide for this category would be the bees knees!! Also…..maybe some queer-owned business in Europe? I get it that most of your readers are in the US of A but there’s a lot in Europe too! Y’all did one in 2016…a repeat pretty please?
Laneia: YIKES THESE ARE GREAT IDEAS. I will make try so hard to make them happen!

I would be lovely to read something about the specifics of being gay/bi and single.
Laneia: I want to help you but I also want to tell you that this is a very broad topic! Tell me more.

can erin do another outfits for hetero spaces post some time please? i don’t know how to dress myself and those posts were inspirational erin is my style icon (which is ruff bc we have very different body type) (but whatever i love her writing and her outfits) like no pressure tho erin! ydy write what feels good!
Erin: Oh wow, style icon! As someone who is currently wearing the outfit I’m wearing, if you could even call it an outfit, is flattered. Thank you. I currently dress in what would be most comfortable in the case of like an emergency evacuation, but if I ever evolve from this you will be the first to know. Xoxoxo

Is there a queer spin on Legal Weed 101? As someone who took whatever they could find for ages, I’m just now wading into the waters of sativa, indica, hybrids, oils, tinctures and a million other things. This seemed to me like something where AS could offer some very helpful advise. What would you recommend for a day trip to the clothing optional beach? How about a night on the sofa with a bag of Salt & Pepper Kettle Chips with marathoning Black Lightening? A bbq with friends and locally sourced, grass fed cheese platters? I feel like there are some pro-tips out there that might help me get the right high at the right time.
Riese: You might find something that you’re looking for here!

AS, please ask Heather Hogan to review Benedetta when it comes out, and please also tell me where I can get this poster to put on my wall.
Heather:Oh, absolutely! (I am not sure about the poster, but I bet if you ask Twitter they’ll know.)

Yvonne: Oh man, remember those poster sales they had in the lobby of dorms?? I specifically remember avoiding the lesbian ones, like that one black and white poster of two women kissing in their underwear on a bed and like a line of women with Pink Floyd’s albums painted on their backsides. Anyway, I feel you could just send this photo to Office Depot and print it out?? Is that illegal? Maybe.

How do we pitch an article idea to you? Just do it right here?
Yvonne: If you want to write the article, you can pitch us here. If you have an idea for an article and you don’t want to write it, then yes, send it here.

Last weekend my wife & I went camping with our older #lesbianrelationshipgoals couple friends, and when Awesome Older Lesbian #1 saw my wife’s YDY shirt, she was like “Oh, is that Autostraddle? I have my students read some of their articles. Really great, unique content.” Hope y’alls ears were burning [like our campfire]! Anyway, you’re great and also assigned reading for some college students. <3

MISC

Hi! I loved Katrina’s article on her new book, The Best Bad Things. So excited to see some queers and QPOC in novels, particularly historical novels, and good to get some more lit fix outside of Carolyn’s excellent column. I hope AS/Katrina will share more when the book comes out and please keep us posted on other novels with queer characters!
Rachel: Katrina’s book is out, and you can buy it with the links in this post! Thank you for this feedback!

So, I started watching Wynnona Earp because I kept seeing the recaps pop up. I love Wayhaught as much as any decent queer, but I am madly in love with Wynnona, and sad that she seems to be straight! I knew there was gay stuff, and like, 30 seconds into the first episode I was like, “Omg I need her! Please let her be the gay one!” Send help!
Valerie Anne: I believe in my heart of hearts that Wynonna Earp is bisexual. Don’t let anyone stop you from dreaming your dreams, dear one! (This is Heather now; Valerie said please reach out if you want evidence to support her hypothesis!)

Just dropping in to recommend “Snapshots” on Amazon for your next movie night… cute and sweet, but also bring tissues. #20gayteen, the gift that keeps on giving.
Yvonne: I searched this on amazon and it’s about the first lady and a paparazzi photo?? INTERESTING

Every time I see Al(aina)’s author profile pic, it makes me glad to be alive. That is all.
Yvonne: It’s such a cute photo! I agree!

Hello! I just needed to say into the world that I just saw A Simple Favor. And honestly, as much as I loved Disobedience and Atomic Blonde, the scene in ASF where Anna Kendrick is awkwardly talking on the couch and giggling and overWHELMED by Blake Lively’s femme top energy is the most accurate representation of my own lesbian experience that I’ve ever seen in theaters. It was bonkers, but very great and gay.
Heather: 100% agree. My heart nearly pounded right out of my chest during that scene.

Riese: After seeing A Simple Favor I decided I never needed to go to the cinema again because I had already seen the most masterpiece film of all time!

Hi! Munroe Bergdorf posted a picture of herself and her girlfriend on Instagram today! I’m not sure if it’s the first time she’s mentioned her or not, but it’s definitely the first I knew about it. Just thought this might be vital information for Stef to have before the next No Filter.
Stef: bless thank you

Why doesn’t Bette leave Tina in the first episode when she gets weird about using a Black sperm donor? Am I going to watch this entire show in solidarity with my foremothers?
Heather: If we made a list of times Bette should have left Tina and Tina should have left Bette, it would be 300 miles long. (And I say this as someone who was a hardcore Tibette shipper when TLW was on TV.) Anyway yes, this show gets more and more problematic as time goes by, so watch with caution!

The Consolation of Philosophy by Boethius is literally the best breakup read ever. Anyone going through any stage of heartbreak, but particularly the dragging-on-and-on, beat-that-horse-with-a-stick variety, should read Boethius. (luv, a queer medievalist)
Sarah: Did you know that half of the Autostraddle senior staff are single? And our larger staff are in various degrees of breakups + complicated situations rn. So, this is extremely relevant to our interests as a staff. Thank you so much.

Riese: Thank you for this! Also did you see our breakup reads roundtable? Just wondering!

I avoid buying la croix curate bc Erin said that was straight culture.
Heather: The other night I had a bunch of people over and read Erin’s Below Her Mouth review out loud to them, so I understand where you’re coming from.

Is anyone on your TV team watching Atypical on Netflix?? Because I would love to hear about the FEELINGS everyone is having about the second season. Spoiler alert season 1 I was definitely like “Casey should be gay but lol I guess this boy is maybe fine” and now in season two there is TRUE QUEER ENERGY but we have to WAIT to see what happens!!!!!!!
Heather: I wrote about it a little bit, and intend to write more because it’s only going to get queerer in the (now confirmed) third season!

Especially for Heather: Can you tell me more about being an empath/especially empathetic? Because I think I have a similar thing going on, and the weight of feeling my loved ones pain is getting to be too much to bear. I don’t know how to deal with all these problems I can’t solve. Thank you so much.
Heather: Yes, definitely! My understanding of being an empath is that it’s sort of a superpower of combined intuition and nurturing, and that people who are empaths not only sense the emotions of basically everyone around them — and generally know exactly what people need to feel most at ease in every situation — but are also likely to take on the emotions of everyone around them. It’s more pronounced with people you know well. I can, for example, tell exactly what Stacy is feeling and why the second her body enters the front door every evening. I’ve heard empaths called “feelings sponges,” which seems super accurate to me. I feel people’s pain, I feel their sadness, I feel their anxiety, I feel their anger and negativity and toxicity and duplicitousness and angst and just all of it. (The flip side is that when I am in a peaceful and loving environment, I soak that right up into myself too.) (Which is why it’s hard for me to leave my house!) Being an empath is not a thing that ever goes away. Or at least not as far as I can tell from trying to make it disappear and everything I’ve read about other people trying to make it disappear. So the key is figuring out how to center and ground yourself so you can learn to choose when to fully shoulder the burdens of the people around you. It’s doable, with practice! (Including practicing limiting the interactions and environments that pummel you the most.) The Empath’s Survival Guide is where I started and I have also found great comfort and strategies in Nikki Eisenhauer’s Emotional Badass podcast.  Good luck, fellow sensitive pal!

Discovery of Witches – BBC new version – older lesbian aunts
Heather: Oh boi, you are going to have a hard time finding something as universally loathed by our senior staff as that book!

Apparently the Cambridge area is so bizarre that September is late to find a pet sitter for December. Someone could make good money with a queer-owned pet sitting business.
Yvonne: So if you’re in the Cambridge area, make sure to put an ad out there that you dog sit and make fast ca$$h.

can the next hot queer trend after astrology be attachment style? because damn it’s so true and relevant it hurts and i don’t understand why we aren’t all talking about it.
Rachel: Oh are we not already all talking about it? I feel like I hear about it a lot! Open to more though! Meeting about attachment trauma at 3 pm by the big oak tree, everyone

have y’all heard about the new (all girl) indie “super group” boygenius??? w/ julien baker, phoebe bridgers, and lucy dacus.
Yvonne: Oh I hadn’t until I checked them out right now. I’m super into this! Thanks for the rec.

Laneia: They came on my Spotify Discover Weekly playlist recently and I was like HEYYYY I KNOW THESE SAD AS HELL PEOPLE!!

In 2018, it seems impossible to watch (or even keep up with) all the queer tv out there. Here’s the question. Do you watch anything that’s NOT queer?
Heather: Huh. No, actually. I was all set to type out something but… for the first time in my life there’s enough excellent queer TV that I am not watching any not queer TV! I’m interested to see what the people on our TV team have to say about this.

“Pick an actual category, you strange genius” is my favorite tag everrrr!
Yvonne: It’s meant for us to remember to add a category! But sometimes we let it slip and now you know our secrets.

Hi! I just want to express my disappointment and pain at the title of your recent religion survey, “Queer Women More Likely To Believe In Astrology Than Judeo-Christian God.” First of all, I absolutely despise the general existence of the term “Judeo-Christian,” which is largely used by Christians to pretend a greater inclusivity than they actually have (while often being Islamaphobic!). It creates and perpetuates a deeply harmful view of Judaism as simply being an earlier version of Christianity , when in fact they are fundamentally different ways of life. The term has been used by the Christian hegemony for all kinds of things, including actively harming queer people by assuming Jews have the same ways of approaching triggering texts like Leviticus 22. Second, and more specifically, there is no such thing as a “Judeo-Christian God.” In such a Christian-dominated society, it can be hard to tell the difference between our own stories about ourselves and the ones Christians like to tell, but while I would never claim to be able to describe a unified Jewish understanding of God, as such a thing does not and has never existed, I can be quite confident in asserting what it is not–It is not Christian. Personally, I don’t think there is anything that mysterious about the abundance of queer Jews — Judaism actively values a multiplicity of voices and culture of vibrant debate, storytelling, and action over belief, all of which tend to be compelling to queer folks. I have multiple queer friends who converted to Judaism because they found it so compelling. I love Autostraddle and am proud to be a member. I frequently cite Autostraddle articles in conversation, and my older sibling (also queer) and I regularly discuss posts. We were both upset and even betrayed by that title choice. I really appreciate the joy with which Autostraddle helps me engage with my queerness. I hope that in the future it can also help engage with joy in my Jewishness. As you noted, you do have an abundance of Jewish readers–I would also be thrilled to help write or develop more Jewish content for us all to enjoy. Sincerely, Leora
Riese: Hi, hello! That was me. I wrote that headline. I am the 37-year-old Jewish lesbian who owns this website and I was raised in a world perhaps unlike other worlds because that term was used frequently within my religious and secular education, and I genuinely had NO idea that it had these other connotations at this point. It seemed like the way to communicate what I wanted to communicate in the least amount of letters possible. I was corrected in the comments, and then I adjusted the headline. I just didn’t know that thinking had shifted about that. Now I do! I’m sorry for any offense or unhappiness that I caused.

I also love being a Jewish queer person and I love Judaism and I think this is a hard question to answer because like, as a Jewish person who always has quite a few Jewish people on staff, I’ve always sort of felt that Judaism is like… woven into the fabric of our lives here? But also — we truly write about it a lot! Some of our most enduring writers of past and present are Jewish, like me and Vanessa Friedman and Stef Schwartz and Lizz Rubin and Chelsea Steiner and Carly Usdin and Cecelia White and Julie Goldman! We often come up with fun original ways to cover Jewish Holidays whenever we can. Vanessa’s Queering the Jewish Holidays series has been incredible. Who can forget when we ranked all the Manichewitz products?? When Cecelia got real about what we really get for Hanukkah? When I spent a million years making these awesome lists of queer Jews?

Also I’d like to remind you of that time that my Mom called me out, which is the most Jewish Moms thing to happen in the history of Jewish moms:

I have a huge crush on Stef HELP
Riese: You should just lean into it

Laneia: SCORPIO SEASON, BABY.

The end of S2 of Atypical gets the queerness you always wanted it to have and it’s so sweet and so much.
Heather: YES. I LOVED IT.

Y’all listen to Flowerbomb by Siena Liggins yet?
Laneia: I sure haven’t but now I will.

I just got married to the woman I love and we had the most wonderful day. It was untraditional and queer as hell and we had a beautiful nonbinary drag queen and my Dad read a poem by Mary Oliver and my sister read a passage by James Baldwin and the speeches were beautiful and personal and there was so much love in that room and I’m still on a high and enjoying the glow from it all!
Yvonne: Yesss! I know that feeling. Don’t you just love it?? It sounds like your wedding was perfect.

Laneia: :emotionally sobbing: I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU BOTH ?

Missing the old Satellite of Love graphics terribly!
Yvonne: We had them for more than a year already and felt like we needed an update. They shall live on in our hearts and archives.

Just learned about PridePocket, a crowdfunding site by & for queers. They also are developing a resource library and it seems like a pretty cool thing. 
Yvonne: Interesting! Is this how we start our own queer economy?

Omg Katie Herzig and Butterfly Boucher are in love?? 16 year old me is SO happy right now. Also shout-out to Spotify’s creepy “what your friends are listening to” feature for giving me supernatural-level spidey senses about who has recently come out. I was like hmm why are 3 different queer people I know listening to Katie Herzig right now, this must mean something. And it did!
Laneia: This is like what OurChart wished it could’ve been. Bless.

Great music + lesbian drama video by Kandace Springs- Don’t need the real thing 
Yvonne: Oh damn, everyone in this video is HOT.

Wanted to get the word out about stilt.com. They provide loans to under-served communities like DACA, undocumented ppl, refugees, international students without a credit history, and others. I was unable to get a loan through any other banks or lenders that I tried. Stilt.com thankfully came through for me. I’m not affiliated with them, just a recent customer.
Yvonne: Cool, I had no idea about this.

Am I totally imagining this, or did Heather once say she was writing a guide to clothes shopping at Costco? Because I usually ignore the clothes but last week saw a table full of sherpa-lined plaid flannel shirts for 12.99 and now am the proud owner of one of those babies. 80 bucks for that at LL Bean’s.
Heather: I got the red and black one! Which one did you get?

Do you notice when frequent commenters suddenly stop commenting your posts? Do you wonder what has happened to them? As a reader to whom the AS commenting section is such a big part of the AS experience I often do.
Rachel: Yes! There are people from 2010 I still wonder about.

Riese: We do! We talk about it a lot. Sometimes you will pop back in and I’ll be like OMG YOU’RE BACK but also trying to play it cool.

What do your gaydars tell you about Taylor Swift??
Heather: People are people and sometimes we change our minds.

Riese: She’s bisexual and will come out soon.

Riese, what do you do when a rich person invites you to a party?
Riese: Well I definitely go to the party because it will be fun and also there is always good alcohol and incredible food! And it’s great when people who are rich like to share the bounties of their riches by feeding us all. Secondly, I should confess that I do often intentionally wear the most expensive items of clothing I own. This is… I don’t know. It’s not like I’m going to be judged or like anybody there is confused about what socioeconomic class I’m in, so I guess it’s mostly about confidence and also clothing can be a point of entry to a conversation. But I don’t really feel any differently about going to a party with a rich person than I do about going to anybody else’s party. We’re all just people!

How do you do the statistics in the stereotypes survey (and/or other surveys) articles? Who does the stats? What methods do you use? Super curious.
Riese: I do all of them myself? I’m not sure what you mean about methods. We have a high-level Surveymonkey account that makes it easy to compare things. I do a lot of math myself the old-fashioned way as well.

When Laura Mandanas was still around I’d have her look through the surveys before they went out to ensure they would garner good results, since she is a scientist, now I just sort of wing it, and sometimes I end up making mistakes!

I did almost double-major in Sociology in undergrad and I also took Statistics as part of that. Honestly, I read a lot of studies — I was usually the one reporting on various studies about gay people over the past nine years — so I guess I’ve just learned from experience and immersion in the field? I’m sure there are things I do that are not scientifically sound but. I think I do okay mostly.

When we talk about roots why aren’t more of us talking about Donna from the West Wing???????????????????
Heather: This is a VERY GOOD QUESTION. She had the gayest swagger I had ever seen on TV up until that point. I think maybe it’s because she gets overshadowed by CJ’s also very gay energy.

Riese: WHY AREN’T WE ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT THE WEST WING?!?!!!

Cara Delevigne is wearing a suit and top hat to Princess Eugenie’s wedding today. There must be someone at autostraddle who needs this information.
Yvonne: Maybe Stef would appreciate this?

look i feel like i need to confess that yvonne’s series on her wedding got me so hooked that i spent the whole day after stalking #labodajota on insta to see pictures. @yvonne, you both looked gorgeous and it seems like you had a great time!! i hope you have a life filled with happiness :) also, your writing is amazing and i loooved all your pieces. and i’m sorry i stalked your wedding. truly.
Yvonne: Thank you so much! I’m flattered. Don’t worry, I have also stalked wedding hashtags before from people I went to school with. I had so much fun and it went by SO FAST. I know people say that all the time but it truly is over before you know it! I wish I could go back in time or have two of me at the wedding. I still have so many feelings about it. Ahhh!

You might have already answered this, but what is the article that’s gotten the most comments? Do you have a fave article bc of the discussion it produced in the comments?
Heather: It’s Riese’s encyclopedic list of dead lesbian/bisexual TV characters! And I actually think most of the discussion in those comments just led to the list being longer!

Did you see A Star is Born? Thoughts/ feels? I loved it, and then I read Danny Ortberg’s most recent Shatner Chatner where he and gf Grace review/ hate on it, and I loved that too.
Laneia: I have not seen it, and I would normally never chime in to tell you that I have not done the thing you’re hoping one of us have done because what good does that do you?? But no one else has answered this question yet, so I’m guessing they haven’t seen it either! SHOUD WE SEE IT??? (I will definitely see it when it’s on Netflix/HBO.)

EUGH the UK Law Comission review into whether misogyny should be a hate crime is also gonna consider “misandry – hostility towards men”….like WHAT?! Now are all the poor little cishet white men gonna cry “hate crime” like seriously just…NO!
Laneia: Well that’s dumb as shit WHY DON’T PEOPLE UNDERSTAND SYSTEMIC OPPRESSION LIKE GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAM ughghghghh.

Have you guys ever done anything on Sugar Rush? This was such a fun series about falling for your straight-ish best friend while your parents dive into polyamory.
Heather: Indeed we have! (What an amazing throwback!)

Hi, are you going to review the Bisexual? It’s so good! Thanks.
Heather: I sure am!

Saw this, thought of Laneia 
Laneia: Well this is neat as fuck.

Hello Riese, 1) you are one of my top three internet writers and also one of my top five heroes 2) thought you might be interested in this story for TTIRTIL:  I live on Vancouver Island so I followed this story as it was orginally being reported on k love u bye
Riese: 1) Thank you so much! That makes me feel really great! 2) Thank you I will read this and am excited to read it!

I miss Mey!
Laneia: GET IN LINE, FRIENDO.

Okay this isn’t really urgent but last night I had dinner with some of my more elderly relatives and they were reminiscing about the Good Old Days or whatever, mostly stories that I’d heard a million times before. But then! Aunt E (who’s my grandma’s sister and well into her eighties) was like “remember how beautiful my sister-in-law Joy was?” And it got better! Aunt E said that she used to sit at the top of the stairs to spy on her older sister’s sorority meetings so that she could get a glimpse of Joy, who was also a member of the sorority, because “I’d never seen anyone that beautiful.” I was like “OMG!!” but now I’m worried I’m reading too much into that. Please confirm for me that a) that is very gay behavior and b) my great-aunt definitely had a crush on her husband’s sister well before she married him. It never occurred to me that this aunt was anything other than entirely straight but what if it was just all this compulsive heteronormativity? My grandma also told the story again last night about how Aunt E was always dating guys and getting tired of them and was “an old maid at 24” (her sisters were married at 18 and 20, I think) until Uncle R came along and proposed after six weeks of dating, possibly on Grandma’s advice. By all accounts they had a happy marriage and were together for several decades until he passed away more than a year ago…but what if she kept getting tired of the men she was dating because she wanted to be dating women? Is there any appropriate way for me to broach the topic with her? Am I getting way ahead of myself and should stop making things up about my relatives? PS you’re awesome and I’m so glad this space exists. Thank you!
Laneia: a) This does feel at least gayish and b) I gotta say yes, it does seem that way! I think this filling-in-of-the-gaps-you’re-finding is a totally normal thing queer people do in order to see ourselves in a historical, familiar/familial context, and I’m honestly not sure if there’s a chill way to bring it up. It’s possible that Aunt E was queer but didn’t want to be, and wouldn’t identify as such now even if you gave her the chance, because her understanding of that kind of freedom/existence doesn’t mesh with her understanding of the world that she’s lived in (which wouldn’t make her a bigot obviously, you know that). I don’t know! People are masterpieces of confusing realities. I’m just glad you could see some part of you in some part of her.

HOW TO BE A BUTCH LESBIAN
Yvonne: Oh wow. They have illustrations and everything. Wut.

I had to pause my subscription over the summer because of some financial things and I’m so glad to be back! I love supporting AS because of what you guys do but the A+ content is also really bomb and I missed it! Thank you for continuing to exist!

Really Nice Things You Told Us

I have an overwhelming need to thank Carolyn for her amazing helpful, practical, and hot advice. Her guidance helped lead me to a very successful threesome complete with snacks (pretzels & oreos FYI) and an awesome casual hookup gal pal who is also a good friend. Carolyn and all of you amazing Autostraddle people are doing amazing A+++ work. Thank y’all so much!
Yvonne: Woo! Go Carolyn, go you!

Firstly recently got A+ and some answers to some things is officially literally the best thing ever and I freaking love it!!. Secondly can we maybe possibly pretty please get recaps for the new season of Doctor Who? Cause it looks super great and I love reading the recaps here and need more queer whovian content
Heather: Last week’s episode made me think it’s going to be legit queer this season. If so, I’ve got you covered.

Just wanted to drop in to say how much I enjoy the AS newsletter! :D I like that cheeseboard queer cheesemonger content that Laneia gave us a sneak peek of for next week. ?
Laneia: THANK YOU ! I love doing the newsletter so much!! It’s like my blog all over again, except I have more friends/writers to tell you about now.

Thank you for working so hard to make this website and community exist and be so awesome
Heather: You’re so welcome. Thank you for saying thank you!

Laneia: Thank you for helping us do this!!!!

Salut Autostraddle. It’s afternoon here in Europe, the US is probably just waking up, so if you’re checking this inbox soon – good morning ! And if it’s later, well the whole greetings thing is really arbitrary, isn’t it? I read recently about pasta for breakfast, so morning for dinner should be ok. I’m probably drinking tea at any hour you’re reading this, and I wish you to also be. I really wanted to say thank you. I’ve been reading AS for years now. I probably stumbled upon it about ten years ago? Is that even possible? when I started to explore the lgbt+ web as a baby queer. You were part of a quator for me in that time, with Afterellen, and Dorothysurrenders, Sugarbutch. Years passed, I traveled without internet, I dated men for a while (girls, they break your heart), and I forgot, and came back; forgot, and came back… but for the past three to four years I’ve been here, reading, if not every day then every week at least. I don’t know of a site – or a media team, an intention – comparable to AS anywhere on our little old continent. And I read a bunch of languages, so I’ve looked around. Somehow, in these United States in which so many things can be awful, I’ve consistently found on your site the most thought-out, personal, universal, and specific stories that spoke to the way we live. Also funny – and often plain brilliant. AS has published a number of longform essays that I’ve come back to again and again. Tip of the iceberg: Heather Hogan’s – “We’ll have sex again, I promise” Riese’s – “Every plot of every lesbian movie, ever” Carmen’s – “Rebel Girls: Our “False Rape” Hysteria is Bullsh*t” Beth’s “Fool’s Journey” Rachel’s – “Sharon Stone crossing and uncrossing her legs” Gabrielle Belot’s – “How to write about trans women” + Every single issue of “Things I’ve read that I loved”, and Corinna’s “Queer Horoscopes”. You’re there to notice when a trans woman of color disappears. You’re here to fangirl about Ocean 8. You’re here to call for action, and also call for afternoon crumble, because heck. You’re here to publish an real apology about terrible representation of a sexualized taco. You’re here to make a whole month about Carol – well, that I didn’t get. You made an actual t-shirt with scissors (it’s a thing, it’s awesome, but bruises happen). Who else does all that? So today, I created a profile and also sent you euro-money (it’ll get converted along the way) as A+ membership. I have money these days, I’m working a good job making public transit work for a capital city. Next spring, I’ll quit my job to go hiking through Europe, maybe I’ll have enough to give again, we’ll see. Meanwhile I’m just glad I can give back. Thank you for everything, and may you find the joy to keep it up. Cheers, lsh
Riese: I would like to give this comment an A++. You evoked a mood, you set the scene, you provided important background and accurately relayed a brief history, you gave us relevant examples, it’s loaded with unique details, you mention other arguments and then concisely explain why your thesis (that we are wonderful) is sound, and at the end, you give us money! I would like to give you extra credit and also extra thanks for warming my heart, which can feel a little alone sometimes. <3 <3 <3

I wanted to say thank you to Rachel for being the face of bisexuality on AS – just the fact of being out on your profile was huge for me when I first came here. Also I am transfixed by her perfect hair which probably needs an article all of its own txs
Rachel: Thank you! I’m so happy that any tiny thing about being out can help. I’m so glad you’re here!

I just realised that Riese and I share a birthday sooooo Happy Birthday! I wish you a year of love and light and laughter and happiness (and a million dollars for AS!) Love, a fellow 23rd baby xx
Riese: Hello my fellow friend on the Virgo/Libra cusp! Thank you so much for wishing my a year of love and light, I hope you had a really wonderful birthday! How do you feel about us also sharing a birthday with John Coltrane and Bruce Springstein and also the younger sister of the boy I dated in sixth grade? (She’s a lesbian now.) I hope you had a kickass birthday.

Riese, you are a gift. I was reading the religion data article, your delightful humor woven through smart analysis, and that was my reaction: you are a gift. But then I was like, “Oh my gosh, and she also SPEARHEADS THIS WHOLE DANG WEBSITE and you work so much and provide such important leadership and where would my life even be without Autostraddle? I don’t want to know! I really, really don’t! It would be bad! And sad!” So basically, I have a lot of feelings right now, primarily centered around gratitude for everything you do for our community. Thank you all the time.
Riese: Wow!!!! This is really nice. Sometimes when I’m on day three of really digging in to every little detail of every little detail on every survey post I’m like, “I feel like Anna Wintour doesn’t do stuff like this and also she’s rich,” but then I think “somebody out there noticed that you do all this on top of everything else! You’re noticed.” And that’s great. Thank you very much.

I’d love for Hannah Williams to write more for Autostraddle, her article on Tove Jansson was beautiful and really high quality! Thank you for giving her the platform!
Laneia: Listen I don’t mean to brag, but I have her email address soooooo. But seriously YES I loved that Jansson piece so much! I hope she writes more for AS.

You know what I really like about Autostraddle ? You guys care, you really care about us
Heather: There is nothing more true than this.

Laneia: You’re the thing I think about while my coffee brews every morning.

I read up all of autostraddle’s advice write-ups and posts on relationships once i got my first girlfriend a month ago, and it’s been going swell, so thanks guys!
Laneia: This is so great to hear!! Ugh good luck, young loves.

I LOVE YOUR SURVEYS AND THE WAY YOU ANALYSE THE RESULTS
Riese: THANK YOU!!! It takes forever and a year so this encouragement is necessary to me, like my dog Carol and geography quizzes on Sporcle.

Just want to sing your praises on this midday morn ✨???? AS rocks!!! Xoxo
Heather: Hey, you know what? On this midday afternoon, let me say: YOU rock!

Laneia: Perfect emoji execution here, like sprinkles on a cake.

Just wanted to say thanks so much for the roundtable about experiences w/ fatness (don’t worry, I commented too! :)). I think I might be the reader who requested it, and I’m very sorry it resulted in so much negativity :( But I thought it was perfect and it made me feel very seen. Thank you Vanessa and everyone else involved <3 y’all are the best
Vanessa: Oh my gosh, please don’t apologize! I honestly should have anticipated some of the feedback, and I don’t begrudge anyone asking us to be more inclusive or more fat positive. I didn’t end up responding to individual comments because life is really busy for me these days, I felt overwhelmed, and to be real I felt like some of the other commenters and authors responded enough that it was sort of taken care of. The one thing I felt very defensive about was people speaking negatively or dismissively about Tiara’s experience – I understand feeling frustrated when you don’t see yourself represented in something that is supposedly for you, but turning around and tearing down someone else who has been vulnerable about her experience which is JUST AS VALID is really not the route I hope we go. So, tl;dr, the comment section of that post gave me a lot to think about and I have plans to continue expanding our coverage about fat queer bods, because we’ll never stop trying to do more and better. I’m really really happy to hear that it made you feel seen, that was the goal and the fact that it did land with some readers brings me joy. Thank you for requesting what you desire from Autostraddle, and please feel free to request more! We appreciate you and love making the website y’all wanna see. And thank you for taking the time to send this note in – it made my day. <3

I CAN’T REMEMBER IF I TOLD YOU ALREADY BUT I BOUGHT THE XOFLO MINI CUP THING AND IT CHANGED MY LIFE THANKS LANEIA
Laneia: ? THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY.

I just wanted to say that the news has been AWFUL lately and the only thing I can think of to make me feel better most of the time is reading Autostraddle. Thank you for creating this beautiful community and thank you for putting in the effort to keep it going. I don’t believe in God but I know that you are doing the Goddess’s work here at Autostraddle and we are all so grateful. Xoxoxo
Heather: Thank you for reading and for saying nice things in the A+ inbox. We’re so glad you’re here.

Laneia: This sentiment will carry me through the rest of November tbh.

Riese great job on Queery Podcast!!!
Riese: THANK YOU!!!!

thank you for holding us, for lifting us up, for fighting for us
Yvonne: a true honor, friend

Laneia: ?

First of all, I love AS!!! Second, I am super annoyed at these websites like The Cut and Refinery29 and sometimes Vice that basically seem to market in “feel-good” feminism. Like, I feel like it’s mostly the kind of articles that are aimed at a wealthy 20’s to 30’s white woman demographic who wants to feel “progressive” or something without getting her hands dirty. But the most annoying part is when they publish something that’s actually …ok? Those articles always seem to be written by queer people (I’m totally unbiased of course), and I’m glad that they can get things published, but I hate giving traffic to those websites!!! So I’m really glad to have Autostraddle to tell me every few days if there’s something worth reading :) But really, I’m soooo glad that we have Autostraddle for everything that isn’t on those corporate billboards!! I know people say there is no ethical consumption under capitalism (or something like that), but I feel like the exception to that rule is queer consumption <3
Laneia: I agree re: queer consumption being the best way! Thank you for intentionally investing in us here xoxoxoxo

Al(aina) and the other moderators are THE BESTEST!!!! Thank you Al(aina) and everyone <3
Laneia: HARD AGREE, YES.

Sometimes I forget adblocker is even a thing because I just have it enabled for every website ever. But after reading the October Insider I disabled it for AS. Trying to do everything I can to support you guys! :)
Yvonne: You’re the best, THANK YOU!

Riese: Thank you so much! ALSO PSA: If you aren’t in the U.S., you can keep your adblocker on (although you’ll miss out on our house ads and affiliate marketplace) if you want to, ’cause the ads only run for people within the U.S.

Thanks for all the super jewy content as of late, it has been helpful. In gratitude, here’s a debbie friedman BANGER. autostraddle.com knows how to bring the TikKuN oLAmmMmmmMmM
Vanessa: YAY I am so so so glad to hear that! We are going to continue publishing Jewish content and uplifting Jewish voices, and in fact, if you are a Jewish person who has an idea for something you would like to see on the site, you should let me know! I am super extra looking for Jewish POC and also Jews who are Sephardic and/or Mizrahi, but am open to all Jewish pitches! Email me: vanessa [at] autostraddle [dot] com and let’s chat! AND THANK YOU FOR THIS DEBBIE FRIEDMAN BANGER, BLESS DEBBIE FOREVER AMEN.

Riese: My head just about exploded when I found out Debbie Friedman was a lesbian FOR THE RECORD. If my Mom is reading this she’s probably wanting to remind me that she met Debbie Friedman once and I know! I know you met Debbie Friedman, mom! Love you!

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