Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we’ve decided to dedicate an entire post to answering them every month instead! We think this will be a lot of fun for everybody in the whole family. We have included as many as we can. We love you, your hair looks fantastic today!

A-CAMP, MERCH, BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

Hi! Are the hard femme tees ever making a comeback on the merch site?
Sarah: Beautiful person, I’m sorry — no. They are not. But I support you in letting your low-key Hard Femme heart shine with our new Femme tee with a hard-pointed triangle! I’d order a size down, they’re roomy!

Heyyyyy the flashing hearts are cute in your merch ad, but totally an accessibility issue!!!!!! Can you refrain from using flashing/gif images on the homepage?
Sarah: Hi there! I’m sorry these weren’t accessible—as soon as we realized this we asked the client to provide non-blinking ads and switched them over!

hello! there have been flashing ads on my autostraddle stuff for about a week now. flashing stuff triggers migraines for me, and it’s also a common trigger for epilepsy. is it possible for you guys to make the ads.. not do that? i super get the importance of advertising, but this is an accessibility issue – hopefully it can be resolved so that both are prioritised! :)
Sarah: Hello! You must be talking about the ads that the person was talking about above. The answer is yes, we will not ever do a blinking, strobing or flashing situation ever again! Thanks for the heads up.

Hi! I grew up going to all of the summer camps and they made me who I am today (often a camp counselor?!) My partner sadly missed out on this amazing aspect of childhood. Would it be weird for a couple to go to A-Camp together? It seems very based on solo people making connections. It also seems like the most amazing type of camp ever! Also , just had this realization: how do i pitch volunteering/helping out the next A-camp? I have so much camp running experience!
Riese: Lots of people come to camp as couples! We actually also have TONS of people who want to volunteer to help with A-Camp so we generally keep that process in-house because we don’t even know where we’d begin, literally half of our campers would like to volunteer to work on A-Camp and many of them have relevant experience. So unless you’re licensed in ASL, that’s probably unlikely BUT I look forward to seeing you and your partner at camp! Lots of times couples decide to be in separate cabins so that they can both make friends, but usually they stick together.

Sex diaries might actually be the reason I upgrade my A+ membership. Genius.
Rachel: THANK YOU on both counts

Idea for A-Camp next year: LIP SYNC BATTLES.
Riese: I feel like we did this… or at least we had people propose this? I feel like several people proposed this. Anyhow, it seems likely that it has or will happen one day! But also I feel like it has been already?

AS editors, Could there maybe be a page kept updated with links to former AS writers’ later writings? Or heck, current AS writers’ writings for other places? ‘Cause it would be cool to be like, hey, I miss Mey, I wonder what she has been writing lately, oh wait, that’s easy to see… and it would give your writers a little boost too. Mey is hardly the only one whose other work I would totally read even if (gasp) it weren’t on AS.
Yvonne: Hello! Great news! Writers past and present already have Autostraddle author profiles that serve this purpose! Take a look at Riese’s as an example. I’d also definitely recommend following the writers you love on Twitter to keep up with their new work no matter where it is; Mey is great about tweeting out links to her stuff!

Hi i just signed up for A+ gold and i want to order some more merch in addition to the t-shirt, is it the same system, will the merch arrive together with the shirt? also what does the gold scissors shirt look like?
Riese: No, the t-shirts are mailed to you by me personally, I fold them with my own two hands and put them into envelopes and mail them to you. The merch comes from Hello Merch! We’re out of gold scissoring shirts now, but you can see what the Gold Gal Pal tee looks like here.

Do comments matter? That sounds dumb; I just saw something in the A+ Insider about murdering people for comments, and I never comment but absolutely would if it makes a difference in terms of revenue or supporting you all.
Heather: They do matter, actually! They matter because having more engagement gives our site more prestige, and also they’re just super encouraging to our writers who are out here creating stuff with their whole hearts and souls and sharing it with you!

Riese: I know commenting has become less of A Thing on the internet in general, but around here it’s still Such A Thing. It means a lot to our writers to get comments — we also think about commenters when we write, because we’re often trying to start actual conversations about things we’re interested in. When somebody is upset, we tend to get that feedback STRAIGHT AWAY so it’s nice to have nice comments to balance that out.

Ok so there’s 2 sex diaries but The Insider wasn’t there in May, there’s no more Podcast or Getting in bed with Kristin. Is the A+ content going away? is this it?
Heather: Hi! No, the A+ content is definitely not going away! The May and June Insiders were combined because all of our senior staff spent a solid block of time traveling for A-Camp and then to our senior staff shakedown. They’ll be back on their regular monthly schedule in July. GIBWK will also be back, in either late July or early August. Kristin has been on hiatus dealing with some family issues. Plus the sex diaries plus we’ve got some other stuff cooking!

Riese: GIBWK will actually be moving to the mainsite but like Heather says, we’ve got a lot more stuff coming your way! The summer months are often slow because of camp and then people being out of town for big chunks of time.

Laneia: SORRY ABOUT THE PODCASTS we tried so hard.

Hey there! I have listened to many of the A+ podcast episodes and enjoyed them greatly, but I never actually got around to listening to all of them. I went back to listen today to find that a bunch of the links are broken. D: D: D: Specifically, they’re broken for the first 8+ episodes. (Meanwhile, the A+ Inbox LIVE links seem to be working.) I know that you are all incredibly busy, but is there any way to easily fix this? Thanks for all you do! xo
Laneia: I’m no Cee Webster, but I believe this is the result of WordPress or Soundcloud doing some kind of fuckery with its embed coding situation. I’ve gone through and meticulously replaced every single embed code so you can listen to these shows!

Hello! Is there any way to connect with AS readers in specific locations? I’m going to Europe for a month and would love to meet up with ‘Straddlers in Italy and Spain.
Yvonne: I wish there were a better system of how to find AS readers in specific locations but at the moment we don’t really have a way to do that more straightforward. Your best bet is probably asking in the A-Camp Unofficial Facebook Group.

hi pals, i meant to buy my girlfriend a gal pal t-shirt for her birthday, but i am awful at buying things on the internet, and now that i’m finally looking, i see that y’all are out of her size. any plans to restock sizes you’re out of in the black t-shirt version of the gal pal shirt? also…wasn’t there a safe space pin? you’ve probably been sold out of that for 19 years and i crushed my own dreams
Sarah: We’ll definitely get them back in! Try selecting her size here and then pressing “Notify Me” so you’ll be alerted when it’s back in stock! We should have these available within the next month. Also… yes, we’ve retired the Safe Space pin! I’m so sorry. We do have a very nice, very warm and beautiful sweater with the same design, though!

Hey peeps, hope everybody is faaaabulous today and not dying in sweat from our scorching climate-change-induced weather. I love and support y’all and everybody is awesome and I’m sending out love and hugs. Okay I have a question I promise. I’m an A+ member and have gone to two A-Camps (and will be going forever) ‘cuz everything you guys do for the queer community is fucking amazing and I want to support Autostraddle in all its glory. SO! What is more important/makes the biggest difference: commenting/sharing on Facebook or commenting on posts themselves? I want to do all of the above but I don’t always have enough spoons for that. ❤❤❤❤
Riese: We don’t read Facebook comments at all, but I know that comments on facebook and sharing on facebook help us come up higher in somebody’s feed! Sharing on Facebook is great and super helpful algorithm-wise. So like you could just comment an emoji on facebook and that would be good enough for us, since we won’t read it we just need it to be commented on so people will see it. Commenting on the site is what feeds our soul.

Hey lovelies. I just want to say something about the comments loading again. I’m sorry to bring it up again but I was just reading TIRTIL and according to the comment counter there are currently 4 comments. I counted how long it took to load. I stopped counting at 1minute 30sec, came here to write this, and I just looked and it still hasn’t loaded. I use chrome on android so I’m sure I’m not alone, and it’s not the best ever, but things normally load in a reasonable time. It isn’t always this bad for AS comments, but it is always bad (I’d guess on average, 30sec plus). I have an idea though! Instead of the comments starting to load when I get to the very bottom of the article, can there be a trigger point at like halfway down the article that starts them loading already? Because when I’ve finished the article I just have the spinning grey dots to look at so I often get bored and give up. I want to be more involved in the comments but this system is actively stopping me! PS they still haven’t loaded, and this isn’t uncommon. Refreshing doesn’t help. Sorry to complain because I love you all but I hope it’s also helpful to know.
Cee: I agree it should load the comments about halfway down the article, not at the bottom. it’s something that’s on my to-do list. The comments should not take that long to load – I hope it’s no longer taking forever for you!

Hi Autostraddle! I was very excited for the Femme t-shirt and ordered one. It came today and it is so soft and I love the colors of the logo, but it is humongous. Like, comically large, to the point where my girlfriend thought that Hello Merch sent the wrong size when I showed it to her. I ordered a “large” based on the size chart (I wear a 10/12 pretty consistently, and the size chart indicated that a “large” would be sizes 10-14), and while I know the description of the shirt says “flowy,” if I had known a bit more about the boxy shape of the shirt, I would have sized down to a medium. I remember you used to do those “new merch alert” posts where you posted photos of people wearing the shirts and a description of them, and that was really helpful for making purchasing decisions! I wish you had done one of those posts for the “Femme” shirt. I decided to keep the shirt because I did not want to go through the rigamarole of returning it, and because it’s so soft it will be great to sleep in. Maybe after a few times in the wash the body will shrink up a bit. Keep using these Bella + Canvas shirts though, they are soooo comfy (I also have a unisex Lavender Menace shirt which I love)–and thank you for all that you do!
Sarah: Hi! I’m so sorry that you had an issue with sizing! Def hit me up at sarah [at] autostraddle [dot] com with your name, address and size that you want! We just got some images taken of the new shirt —Myeisha is wearing a medium.

If there were a serif, bulleted list of recent posts for those of us who have trouble reading sans serif, I would highly appreciate any effort you could make. I realize there are two different accessibility crowds who have exact opposite needs. I get eye strain really easily because my eyes have prism in my near vision, and having hooks on alphabetical characters helps prevent it from seeming like words are swimming in space. (I canceled and re-subscribed, but that had nothing to do with the font thing — I realized that something was wrong with my card and tend to do cancels and re-subscriptions whenever things like that happen because I don’t trust ecommerce systems.)
Sarah: Hi there! I’d love to know more about what you mean when you say “serif, bulleted list”. Can you email me at sarah [at] autostraddle [dot] com and give me an idea of what you need? We definitely want to make sure the site is enjoyable to read.

WHY DID THE FONT CHANGE
Sarah: Because We Want To! But honestly, we’re gearing up for modernizing some of the functionality of the site and wanted to refresh the typefaces to reflect the direction we’re moving in. I HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

Riese: Also serif fonts are bad for accessibility purposes and we wanted to be mindful of that feedback, which we have been getting consistently since our last font switch-up.

Just noticed the site got a minor facelift and I just wanted to say, it looks great. I love this new headline typeface!
Sarah: WHY THANK YOU ANGELFACE!

What is the difference between a pressing question and advice?
Yvonne: I would consider a pressing question as anything that is time-sensitive and/or something you needed an answer to asap regarding your account, or like a tech question or something of that nature. Advice would be like you have a life problem and want some perspective from the senior editors and our staff! We’re putting A+ advice questions in a separate post from SATSQ.

I really want to treat myself to a Mommi tee but I’m having a tough time figuring out how I’d style it. I don’t want it to suffer LBD (lesbian bureau death) at the bottom of an unused drawer! My go to would be boots, skinny jeans, and an oversized chunky knit cardigan but it’s literally 115* out. I’m dying for an excuse to buy espadrilles but a maxi skirt doesn’t seem quite right with a tee?
Laneia: Ayyyyyyyyyyy my friend, the Mommi tee would look SO CUTE with a maxi skirt, tied in a little knot in the front??! Come on now!

I just want you to continue adding to the chorus of people telling you all how much we love you and appreciate your work. Without you, I don’t know how I would have come to start seeing my disabled queer self as a viable human in this world, let alone start thinking I might be maybe a kind of neat person? Thank you for normalizing being human.

ALL-CONSUMING NEEDS TO SHARE

I had my first appointment with a therapist yesterday (progress!), and subsequently had a dream my therapist got replaced by Kate McKinnon. Part of my gay heart was thrilled (because duh, Kate McKinnon), but another part was deeply disappointed I wouldn’t get to see my wonderful therapist again. I woke up, thought “this is queer culture”, and had to share with someone!
Heather: I think that was your subconscious telling you that it’s proud of you and you made a great decision to start therapy!

I am going to have a queer makeout tonight with my friend at a lesbian bar and we talked about it beforehand and I’m excited and buzzy happy and just had to share with you! Because you are the best! Seriously thank Hummus for autostraddle
Heather: And a hummus upon you as well, friend!

Guys, I just really like writing Laneia replies to the weekly newsletters. IT’S SO FUN THANKS FOR THE NEWSLETTER AND THE LANEIA.
Rachel: You’re welcome and same!

Laneia: DAMN I LOVE IT WHEN Y’ALL REPLY TO THE NEWSLETTERS!

the closest i feel to being “flung out of space” is when i listen to “you make loving fun”
Heather:

I felt a brand new feeling today, and I have no idea what it was! It was kind of like excitement in that it made me want to get up and dance. It was kind of like anxiety in that it started in my chest and kind of bubbled over and then dissipated. It was kind of like arousal in that my skin felt very sensitive. I am trying to describe this as clinically as possible, because I don’t know how else to go about it. It had aspects of each of those feelings but was definitely its own thing, and I am so confused. I am old! How am I having brand new feelings still? Will someone who isn’t a cold-blooded lizard person please tell me what is going on?
Laneia: Well this feeling sounds delicious and I hope it visits me one day.

Hi Autostraddle, the crush I’ve been crushin on for like 8ish months is crushin on somebody else and I’m sad :( :( :( It happens to me SO RARELY that I meet someone I actually, really connect with and then when I do it never works out and I am sad thanks for listening
Yvonne: Ugh, that feeling succkkks! I’m sorry. Whatever you do, don’t stalk them on social media endlessly, it just makes that feeling worse.

Can I vent for a hot second? A coworker of mine (super cool dude with an awesome wife and an adorable child) that I would consider a good work friend made a comment that bothered me the other day. He said his kid made a comment how he learned that day that 2 boys can get married to each other. I asked my coworker how he responded to his kid and he basically said he told the kid that it wasn’t true because “how do you explain that to a 5 year old?” I explained how I think that kids that age are actually the easiest to explain that to. We went back and forth on the subject a tiny bit and then my coworker said he “shut the conversation down because I’m not raising a millennial”. (AKA “I’m gonna make sure my kid doesn’t get into this gay shit like all the millennials are” or something along those lines is roughly how I interpreted his sentence) I’m not out to this coworker so I didn’t go on at all to explain how me being gay has nothing to do with that fact that I’m a millennial so I just walked away. But the conversation has been just sitting in the back of my mind for the past handful of days. And I’m a little upset with myself for not spending more time going back and forth with him and educating him more. And I don’t want to bring it up with him again so we can talk about it more. At least not anytime in the near future. I just wanted to vent to someone about the fact that it happened. Because the fact that I’m gay and I think women are pretty and smell nice has nothing to do with the fact that I’m a fucking millennial.
Yvonne: He probably was saying like millennials are all “liberal,” rather than they’re all gay?? Idk, but it doesn’t change the fact that this is still a difficult conversation to navigate in the workplace. I agree with you and he could have totally explained this to a 5-year-old. Recently I was in line at a grocery store and a mom was policing the words her small son used — the little boy kept referring to a toy as “so cute” and his mom was like “cool, you mean cool” and I’m like “wow, she’s probably   I think all you can do is try to have conversations with your coworker whenever it comes up.

Laneia: I would have the same nagging feelings you’re having if that had happened to me. Especially the wishing you’d kept at it a little longer to make him understand. And the worst part of interactions like this is that you know there’s a 5 year-old kid who not only now thinks that two boys can’t get married, but will definitely have at least one parent who thinks he’s too young to know how the world works at all, so like, how’s this dude going to explain safe sex to this kid? Or consent? Or how to not be a misogynistic piece of shit? This is literally the time to be having those conversations! What a fucking idiot. Now I’m getting very worked up on your behalf. I’m the kind of person who would find a minute to pull him aside and force this conversation again, and practice what I want to say ahead of time so I’m concise and get right to the point, and so I’m in charge of how the conversation flows. But maybe that’s not the best plan for you, and if that’s the case that’s TOTALLY OK. We can’t be expected to take the time to educate every idiot on earth and if you’re not in a position to restart this conversation, that’s fine!

I WENT TO MY FIRST EVER PRIDE EVENT YESTERDAY AND IT WAS LIKE THE JANKIEST, MOST MIDWEST THING EVER BUT ALSO THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE AND I SHOWERED BUT I STILL HAVE GLITTER ALL OVER ME AND I LOVE MY GIRLFRIEND SO MUCH AND WOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWW I LOVE BEING GAY
Heather: Yayayayay! I’m so happy for you! I will never forget my first Pride event, and I hope you hold the joy of yours in your heart forever too! (It also sounds, by your excitement and general level of alertness that you remembered to stay hydrated and Pride and for that I salute you, too!)

Laneia: Ugh this is so BEAUTIFUL.

So I finally cracked and got Netflix and I was very excited about this… until today bored at work I started adding everything I want to see to my watchlist…..and lo and behold there are hardly any queer movies on Netflix in Spain. CAROL is not on Netflix in Spain!!! But you know what’s the worst part?? Every time I search for a queer movie, the first suggestion it gives me is Below Her Mouth. Netflix clearly knows I’m looking for all the lady loving things but it has the audacity to suggest that film to me??!! Ahhhhhhhhh!! Ok sorry, rant over. I love you all <3
Heather: What a nightmare! Although you have given me a reason to share Erin’s amazing review of Below Her Mouth, entitled “Below Her Mouth Predicts Six More Weeks of Shane.”

Riese: When I first read that review I thought, “really? This movie is THAT bad?” and then I watched it and was like HOLY SHIT THIS IS BAD. I’m so sorry for your loss.

I’m having those fun “oh gosh I hope this person actually likes me back” feels lately, and I had a great pride weekend, am enjoying thinking about this person, and just want to say: I feel capable of handling these feelings (good or bad) that might happen, and I feel capable of going to pride things and being a part of my queer community because I have you! Because I have Autostraddle here as my constant support and advice and love, I am okay! And I’m always trying to grow and be my best self (for me but also for y’all). Thank you! Hope you have a good week!

Rachel: This is so sweet to read and I’m so happy and proud of you! You’re doing so good!

I just read the Trans Thing In The Atlantic and I just needed the space to say that I could very easily have fallen into the gender dysphoric category of children/teenagers and it turns out I was just gay? idk I TOTALLY understand that being TGNC is totally immutable and not a thing that people would actively like, choose to be if they didn’t have to be. I really want to respect my trans brothers, sisters, cousins, aunts, everyone in the queer alphabet struggle but I really wish there was a way to have this discussion without being accused of transphobia or trans erasure or the gender binary or anything like that. I WORE A LOT OF BAGGY ‘MASCULINE’ CLOTHES AND HATED FLOWERS AND DRESSES AND I WAS JUST GAY THE END. (and I now wear dresses to work all the time, by choice)
Rachel: Hm I think there are ways to talk about this without being accused of transphobia? I feel like the issues with the Atlantic article are intrinsic to the fact that Singal is a cis writer who has made his career focusing consistently on trans/gnc children with some really suspect interpretations of research and data and while refusing to dialogue with or listen to trans adults who have the agency to critique his work, and that he is consistently given a platform to do so instead of more qualified trans writers on the same topics — not the fact that not all children who are dysphoric or gender nonconforming don’t always ID as trans later in life! I feel like I know several gnc queer people who at one point ID’d as trans and now don’t and I don’t feel like they’ve necessarily experience backlash or been described as transphobic? I don’t think it’s controversial or a secret that navigating gender presentation and gendered embodied experiences that are complicated and challenging is also often a part of being gay, and that’s totally normal and fine, and also I think there were a lot of ethical and journalistic issues with that piece as far as reporting on/about a very vulnerable community with high rates of suicide and violence! Harron Walker’s coverage of that piece has been great I think, as was Thomas Page McBee’s!

Riese: Almost every GNC woman I know went through a period of time as a kid where they dressed like a boy, wanted to be a boy, and thought they were supposed to be a boy. I too hated dresses and flowers and wore boy’s clothes growing up. But there is… something that separates them from actual trans kids, in the end. I don’t know what it is. I think that’s where the difference lies, though. Most of the time, there is some sort of psychological line that isn’t crossed. Like when I talk about this with gnc/masc women, at the end of the day — they didn’t ask to transition or go on hormones. We can acknowledge the extreme prevalence of that experience — and I believe that it’s a very  prevalent one, which’s why it’s important for there to be more media visibility for butch/gnc women — without asserting that kids who say they’re trans are all actually just having that experience, you know? Like Rachel said, that guy has an agenda, and honestly shame on The Atlantic for giving him that platform.

HI i sent in a question a while ago about getting a Gay Haircut but feeling confused about how to do it with curly hair and i just wanted to say that I DID IT and I FEEL SO GOOD and i just have all of this overflowing gay joy; thank you for facilitating it!!!!!!!
Heather: Ahhh! This is such wonderful news! I bet you look amazing; I hope you’ll share a picture in the comments!

Rachel: Also would like a picture please!

HI YES HELLO – i just logged back into this website after a long time of being Logged Out, a period that was directly related to a complicated whirlwind of sad Couldn’t Go To A Camp feelings mixed with Shame Spirals Over Every A Camp Memory. (“You Do You” is really hard when you really dislike yourself!!) it was a lot! Anyway, anyway, I just read the last A+ Priority Inbox Answers To Some Questions, and I was / am the Sad Parrot Owner. I’m less sad now (sunshine, I started hormonal birth control [MY SKIN LOOKS AMAZING] ), and I still have my parrot. He’s doing a bit better now that I am doing a bit better, and we are, slowly but surely, figuring out a routine, and how best to coexist. I did eventually contact the sanctuary about pontentially reserving a space for him in the event of a Future where I cannot keep him. The sanctuary owner has never gotten such a request before, & I’m not sure if it will lead anywhere, but I think it would be irresponsible to not figure out where he’d go if I couldn’t keep him, because he’s 4, and I’m 26, and he could live to be 70+, and while I no longer want to kill myself, I do not under any circumstances want to live to be 100. anyway I was touched by the response from Laneia + the others in the comments. you guys are the best! i hope i can make it to A Camp 2019 & once again only talk about my damn bird
Laneia: THANK YOU FOR THIS UPDATE and more importantly NICE FUCKING WORK OUT THERE. ? I’m glad you’re alive!!

i don’t have a social life & i also don’t have the personality type where i can easily share Vulnerable Moments with people but i can’t stop thinking about some things and those things are as follows – how loneliness feels light enough to carry until suddenly it’s too heavy to bear – how everything hopeful makes me sad – how when my kids at work put their arms on my shoulders, and lay their sticky cheeks on my neck, it feels like if i exhaled both my lungs would collapse – how they want and they want and they need and they need and they love and they love and they LOVE and i love them back like a scream in my throat, like a claw in my chest, like a punch to the gut – how when they’re hurting and crying and their faces are wrenched and their tears are so wet and their feelings run straight from the skin to the quick i wish i could say “it gets easier”, but it doesn’t. it only gets worse, – and how sometimes going to work and hugging them feels like flaying myself before rolling in salt, like clocking in is cutting myself open, and walking home is sewing myself shut. anyway sorry to bother
Riese: Don’t apologize for a thing, you just gifted us with some truly gorgeous thoughts and ideas.

I haven’t been on AS much this year because I was studying and I got an amaaaazzzziiiiiing girlfriend who I love to pieces (and in true les-bi-style is moving in with me next month on what is almost exactly our 6 month anniversary) and then I got a new job….. But I just wanna say I love all the work you do and y’all are an amazing bunch of humans!! PS I’m catching up on al of the thins because I’ve finally tested whether I can access AS from my work laptop AND I CAN!!!!
Heather: Welcome back! We missed you! Hopefully while you were away you didn’t miss the start of Laneia’s new mini-series, These Shirts!

My test results came back and I do NOT have cancer! Woooo! They still don’t know what’s wrong with me but, hey, at least it isn’t that
Heather: This is wonderful news! Congratulations! As a person who spent ten months getting tested for every cancer under the sun and finally getting officially diagnosed with endometriosis instead, I can say: I know how you feel! And I am so happy for you!

Laneia: YESSSSSSS.

Autostraddle dot com, I have a dating update. I sent you some messages a few months ago telling you about this very cute Irish guy I was dating and how wonderful my girlfriend is and how fun it was, and I just wanted to let you know that he broke it off :/ he gave reasons that he described as being about compatibility (in his mind a fixed value) but that I see as being issues of communication (in my mind something that two people build together and can improve). It’s so frustrating because he’s really hot and we had so much fun together, but it was obviously doomed since he’s not open to communicating what he expects or wants, and doesn’t even know that he isn’t communicating those things. He also told me that communication between dating partners is something that either clicks or doesn’t, and you can’t make it better (!). I’ve been that person, who thought they were open and honest but just didn’t have access to the feelings, so I totally understand his position, but it’s a shame that it’s over because of something that would be fixable if he could see it. And I haven’t been dumped since I was 15 so this was kind of a big deal. Anyway my girlfriend is still great and was super sweet the whole time, and very nice while I was sad about it ending, and we went to a poly discussion group where people were also very affirming and nice. Now I’m over being sad about it but I still have a crush on him and keep thinking about him, so I thought maybe if I tell someone it’ll get him out of my mind a bit. Okay thanks love you bye! <3 XO
Riese: Yes my dear you have to wash this man right out of your hair! Of course it’s easier said than done, especially when you have a fundamental disagreement about your compatibility. But a thing I’ve had to realize many times in my mid-sized life on this planet is that if your assessment of your compatibility relies on him to be capable of seeing and acting upon your problems in a way that he has repeatedly shown himself to be incapable of doing, you know? So you’re not actually compatible at all, because you’re a person who sees a communication issue and wants to fix it, and he’s a person who sees it and wants to run in the other direction. Who knows what else in life he approaches with this attitude, all I know is that it’s a good thing it’s not your problem anymore and that you still have a great girlfriend!

Guys, since moving to a new city and starting a new job and joining a new derby league and starting to date my new girlfriend, I have just found that I have WAY LESS TIME than I used to back when I was unemployed and too depressed about it to ever leave the house much. And while the fact that I’m working and dating and socializing and no longer am as depressed is GREAT, it’s weirdly caused my anxiety to skyrocket because I feel like I”m constantly falling behind on everything I used to fill my days with. Like, I still haven’t seen season 2 of the Handmaid’s Tale, or Jessica Jones, or Pose, Or Vida, or Queen Sugar. I’ve had to start unsubscribing from a bunch of my favourite podcasts, because seeing all the unlistened episodes in my feed was giving me too much anxiety. I literally have not read a book since Christmas. I haven’t been following politics or the news as closely, which is partly a good thing, because the news is terrifying, but NOT knowing what’s happening also gives me anxiety?! Like, how is that fair?! And I also feel really guilty about not participating more in my local election that recently happened, and where the conservative party won a majority. I’m also spending waaaay less time online, which makes me feel some FOMO about not participating as much in my online communities, like Autostraddle. I read much less and almost never comment anymore, and I feel guilty about that too. I recognize that this is the BEST problem to have, but PLEASE help me tell my anxiety and guilt to kindly fuck off and let me live, and reassure me that having a life is a GOOD thing and no one will actually care or get mad or blame me if I fall behind on a few tv shows and can’t participate anymore because I’m too busy and can no longer prioritize my online life!
Yvonne: I’m so happy to hear about your improved life updates! This sounds like the best problem to have! I think at the moment it feels like you have a full plate because everything is brand spanking new! New city! New girlfriend! New derby league! New job! Wow, wow, wow! That’s so much good change in a short amount of time, so I’m sure it takes some getting use to. I’m sure once you have a good rhythm you’ll find some time to yourself and will have so many new episodes to catch up on. Maybe for the time being, you can schedule in an hour of TV time on the weekend and don’t worry about catching up, just enjoy watching your favorite TV show.

I totally get the online FOMO, I get it even on the weekends when I’m spending time with my family. The internet doesn’t wait for anyone and there will always be a constant stream of information and news and stories and content, and it just never stops! There is just no way one person can consume all that media and be caught up on every single thing while trying to live your life. You gotta buy groceries, go to practice, go to doctor’s appointments and text your friends, you know? So focus on the real life things going on and breathe it all in. It’s ok not to be plugged in 24/7, read what you can and move on.

Yikes guys in like 10 days I am going to meet my girlfriend’s family and more importantly her son and I’m gonna spend 9 days there and WOW I am very nervous and have all of the feels about this! OK I don’t need advice but I do need AS to tell me that it’s all gonna go fine and they’re gonna love me and her son is gonna get on well with me and we’re gonna live happily ever after!
Yvonne: I hope it all went well! I’m sure you did great!

Laneia: I hope this was so fun!!!

I desperately want to send my ex an email but I know I shouldn’t, so I’m going to write in this box instead. We’ve been broken up for eight months now (after almost five years together) and it’s just getting harder for me, not easier. I miss her every day, even as I rebuild my life and move forward. So many things have changed for me since we broke up and I feel like I’m so much more able to be the person that I needed to be when we were together (thank you, new therapist). I want to email her and tell her this, and to say the specific thing that I couldn’t say when we broke up. Yeah, the impulse comes partly because I’m sad and wish we could get back together, but also I think I could quit feeling like such a broken human if I were able to voice this thing. I kind of wish I didn’t have the self-control that I do? But also it feels unfair to her to dump this on her and I want to be a good person more than I want to get this off my chest, I guess. God breaking up is the worst.
Laneia: What if you wrote it out on paper as a letter and then sat with it for a few months, so it’s there and you’ve put it into the universe in a tangible way, but you’ve not bombarded your way into her life in doing so. I think that might bring some closure?

Riese: I think the first rule of post-relationship contact with an ex is “if you still want to get back together, do not contact your ex.” It is not safe for your heart, or fair to them or their process, for you to continue angling for this to happen. But, as I’ve sometimes learned the hard way!, often post-relationship communication with an ex is interpreted as a desire to get back together, even if you genuinely don’t want to.

The thing is that you do want to still get back together! So… it is not a good idea to reach out. I mean sure some part of you will want her back for a long while it sounds like, but once you’ve let go of the hope that she’ll want the same thing, I guess? I would suggest writing this letter and holding onto it, like Laneia said, until that feeling has safely passed or you have fully accepted that it’s not gonna happen. If you still feel like you have some things to say to them in order to feel closure, I don’t necessarily see the harm in it. If you were emotionally abusive to your ex in any way, then you shouldn’t contact her — but I wouldn’t mind an email like this from an ex, as long as they concluded it with an absolute believable statement that they did not expect, want or need a response, it was just something they wanted to get off their chest. (I also would and have appreciated a genuine apology from an emotionally abusive ex, although not everybody agrees with me about that.) If you’re not prepared to say that and mean it, then don’t send it. The purpose of sending this is to get it out of your head and into the place where you want it to be so you can move on, not because she’ll say something that will make you feel better. If it’s possible or likely she might respond with something that will make you feel worse, don’t send it. But first — write the email and sit on it for at least a month before firing it off. Maybe ask for input from friends who know both of you.

But I’m also a person who really likes to understand why a relationship went the way it did so I can be a better more self-aware person, and not everybody is like that! So.

I guess I don’t really need advice. I know I should’ve gotten over my ex a long time ago but I just met her new gf because she asked me to and I thought it would be a mature thing to do as friends but I can’t stop crying.
Laneia: Yeah no I’d have the same response. I’m so sorry.

HI I’M IN LOVE AND I HAVEN’T TOLD HER YET BUT I’M GOING TO SOON WHEN SHE COMES TO VISIT AND I’M TERRIFIED AND ECSTATIC AND I HAD TO TELL SOMEONE SO IT’S YOU ALL. KTHNX <3 <3 <3
Laneia: C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S ! ! !

Thanks for showing up to Autostraddle work today, and thanks for taking care of yourselves! <3 <3 <3

HAVE YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS / I NEED INFORMATION/ ARTICLE IDEAS

Where did that comic 3 AM go? I miss it and was super engrossed in the storyline!
Heather: Unfortunately our readers didn’t really read the fictional series comic Pam did (3 A.M.), or the one Megan and Moll did (S.H.E.), so we decided it’s a better use of our very limited resources to keep investing in bio comics.

Hi team, I desperately need a queer hair style guide. What’s trendy in the world of ALH’s right now?
Yvonne: Tbh, I desperately want a ALH at the moment! I want to chop my hair all off! I can’t wait! I’m sorry I don’t have advice for you. We did this ALH post last year and is still relevant! So maybe you will find inspiration within it.

I need help. My fiance has views about gender and sexuality orientation I disagree with deeply. She thinks bisexuals, pansexual, demisexual, non binary people and pretty much anything outside of male/female gay and lesbian are “not real.” She is really smart and I think she would be open to change her views, I’m hoping she does but I just simply find myself short when trying to argue against her views, could you give me resources that can help explain better why she is wrong
Laneia: I mean, the internet is full of testimonials from people who identify in those ways telling their stories and giving detailed accounts of their attractions and political views and how those intersect, and I’m sure your fiancée could find those things and read them all and still find a way to not believe they’re real identities, because for some terrible reason, she feels like she gets to decide the validity of other people’s claims when it comes to their own lives, which is pretty shitty, right? So I think the actual question to ask here is why does she feel compelled to assess the integrity of someone else’s personal identification, when it has nothing to do with her and never will? What is she overcompensating for when she goes out of her way to have an opinion about the words other people use to describe themselves? Her opinion about the existence of these people is irrelevant — they exist whether she sees them and welcomes them or not, and they always have. She’s wrong and they’re the living breathing proof that she is. Does she feel like their existence renders her identity less valid, or less important? It seems like she’s literally afraid that if those people and their identities truly exist, it somehow threatens her existence as a lesbian woman. How would her own identity and existence be so fragile? Is she worried that she’s not really a lesbian woman, and she’s not ready to confront that fear yet? This is just me armchair quarterbacking here!

Could you do a Monday Roundtable on favorite pieces of fan fiction / fan fiction authors? I remember in the days of Fan Fiction Friday someone linking to a really long Santana piece (Brittana, Santana/Rachel) that blew my mind and I think about it all the time but I can never seem to find anything that comes close to that.
Heather: Hmmmmmm. You have made me think this could work as a TV team roundtable!

Roundtable idea: return to old (late-2000s) roundtables? gets double the page hits, old & new, right?
Riese: I’m gonna need you to explain this a little bit more, you mean add new answers to them?

So I promised I searched the website before I sent this, but I just watched the movie Blush and it is definitely top five, maybe even my #1 favorite movie about queer women I’ve ever seen. My gf and I needed something gay to watch to ease the transition home from A-Camp, and this was the only thing that looked palatable, but holy sh*t was it great. If I’m correct in my internet searching and you haven’t reviewed it yet you definitely should!
Laneia: I will not review this but I will view it and I thank you for the recommendation!

Just saw that there is a new Babysitter’s Club TV show in development. If it goes through, can we have a Babysitter’s Club theme week please? Also thank you for all you do!
Heather: If it goes through, I promise you more BSC content than you can handle. I’ll even rope Kristin Russo into it.

Now, Now just released their first album in 6 years and it’s super queer and full of bops!
Yvonne: Oh man, what version of Now is it on? Like Now 55?? My favorite is Now 11 which features classics like “Hot in Herre”, Vanessa Carlton’s “Ordinary Day”, and “Landslide” by Dixie Chicks. Ugh, I miss my CD player.

Hello! Thanks for all the Monday roundtables, I really love them! Any chance of there being a roundtable where fat staff members talk about how fatness/diet culture/body positivity/etc relates to their queerness, identity, gender, and such?
Yvonne: This is a really great idea! Love it!

I was wondering why Roxana Hernández hasn’t been covered in the ongoing list of trans women that have been murdered in the United States? I don’t feel like murder is too strong of a word as the conditions in immigrant detainment lead directly to her death, or in the words of Pueblo Sin Fronteras “Roxy died due to medical negligence by US immigration authorities. In other words, she was murdered.” While it’s hard to read about these actions I think that Autostraddle’s ongoing list serves as an important historical record and reminder that they are not forgotten.
Riese: We decided to abandon the trans murder list following Abeni’s article about violence against trans women, which argued against the existence of lists like ours. The other thing is that we started doing it because nobody else was, and now lots of media outlets, including The HRC, have lists of their own. There are other reasons too that are too complicated to articulate in writing. But also right now we don’t have a lot of trans women writing for us regularly, and I think we need that balance in order for it not to feel like all we’re covering is murder.

I know they’re fairly media-shy, but if you could somehow manage to tempt the Wachowski sisters into an AS interview, I’d explode into sparkles.
Yvonne: That would be cool!

I need advice on caring for leather items. Like for example the leather strap-on harness I bought over a decade ago which has mostly been sitting around in a drawer. How do I make it supple? How do I keep it from getting dry and cracked? What is up with the squeaky noise it makes? I am confident that at least one of Autostraddle’s fine writers can take this on. Because I can’t be the only one who needs to know.
Laneia: Ho hooooo you are going to be very happy on August 14 my friend!!!

Is there really no queer girl city guide for LA? I’m going to be visiting for a short weekend to visit 2 of my favorite gayboys (AND SEE BRANDI CARLILE!!!!) in August. Anyone care to share your fav must-visit places? I am particularly fond of breakfast options. But also, culture, booze, other things.

Yvonne: We don’t have a queer girl city guide for LA :( Maybe someone wants to write one soon! In the meantime, can someone give this lovely person some recommendations in the comments?

What happened to Nora? Is she still writing for AS? Miss her work :)
Riese: She got a book deal and had to leave to work on that, and was also getting better-paid freelance work. We miss her work too! We have a lot of turnover because we don’t have the money to pay people what other websites can pay. :-/ It’s wild to think about the incredible team we’d have if we had a Buzzfeed or Bustle or Broadly sized budget, you know?

Laneia: What if we changed our name to Bautostraddle? Think about it.

hi i have no idea if this is the appropriate place but can we please get an in-depth analysis of all the queers in long-awaited feature film Incredibles 2
Heather: Hey, I am writing this today actually!

Is GIBWK coming ever coming back? I miss it! And Kristin. I miss her too! She’s the coolest!
Heather: Yes, indeed, you’ll see her in bed in just a few weeks!

Please do a listicle post with all the lesbian sex 101 articles thank you
Rachel: Hello I have great news for you!

I’m not sure if you’ve written about it already, but if not, I’d like to recommend Hannah Gadsby’s Nanette, which has recently been released on Netflix. I’ve admired Hannah for a long time now, but this is her most powerful show yet, and it is pretty damn amazing.
Heather: We had an all-star team write about it, actually!

Whoa. Have you guys seen the Hannah Gadsby Netflix special? Cuz I was crying.
Heather: Sure have and same, same!

Where is the god-damn Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez article? Multiple articles? What is wrong with you Autostraddle? Come on GET ON IT, IT’S BEEN TWO DAYS!!!
Yvonne: This sounds way harsh, Tai! I’m curious, what type of coverage do you want to read about Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez?

Riese: I’d like to put it out there that I’d love for one of our writers to pitch an interview with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez!

Laneia: Lord have mercy.

I first wanted to say thank you so much all of you for the work that you do and especially how consistently thoughtful you are. I’ve really enjoyed some of the new content on here recently (as well as loving the established stuff) and I think it speaks to the fact that AS is not being complacent or resting on your laurels but continuing to evolve.

My second thing is that I have just finished an extended period of hosting my in-laws and now they are gone and my partner is away and it’s sooooo nice to have the house almost to myself (apart from the kids). And I was thinking that a fun Friday open thread topic would be ‘things you do when you have the house to yourself’. But perhaps that has already been done, I’m not sure. I would just love to read the answers!
Yvonne: It’s pure bliss to have your home back after hosting people! I know the feeling! Yes having the house to yourself is so great. We’ve done something like this for a Monday Roundtable. Read all about it here. 

Autostraddle, Can you publish some stuff about y’alls first encounters with The Darkness? I’m struggling to recover from my first disabling bout of Depression. I’d had brushes with it before, but never to the extent that I would sleep on a bed without sheets for days on end, y’know? Is there any hope? I’m in a better place now, but The Sadness is lingering. I want to try meds, but am nervous to ask my counselor b/c a. he’s not a psychiatrist and b. i don’t want to permanently alter my brain chemistry. Oy.
Laneia: My instinct here is to say yes, we could definitely publish something about this, but then I think about how hard that would be to excavate in the way I think you’re talking about. And then I think about how we’ve all kind of written about it in different ways and throughout different posts over the years, you know? Like, once you’ve been depressed — like, really depressed — it’s as much a part of you as the hair growing out of your head. Even when you’ve got it ‘under control’ it’s still yours. I’m going to think more on this, but while we’re here I might as well tell you that I was worried about altering my brain chemistry too. I was worried that I wouldn’t be me anymore, not really, and that I’d think I was happy when actually I wasn’t — like a version of complacency that feels even more insidious because you’re not even passively making the decision to be complacent, you’re just unable to see how miserable you really are. It’s that last part that’s most telling about how I interacted with my depression: I took it in as part of me, of who I am. So not just a thing I had but a thing that defined me, and I protected it, in a way, instead of protecting me. I was at the absolute bottom when I asked my general practitioner to put me on an antidepressant. I told her I wanted the absolute lowest dose and that I didn’t want to be on it forever, and she promised I didn’t have to be. I’ve taken Wellbutrin for 8 years now — with a brief break of a couple of months several years ago, which I quickly realized I wasn’t as ready for as I’d hoped — and I can honestly tell you that taking it has saved my life. Instead of being less me on it, I’m more me, AND I get to decide and then work on what that even means. When I was protecting the depression, I couldn’t do that. Anyway this is just to say that altering your brain chemistry is exactly what has to happen in order to fight depression and stay on top of it, and to have it be something you own rather than something you are. Also I love you.

I just wanna say: the fact that yall are doing incredibly valuable work and sorta kinda able to pay your bills, I hope and think, means you’re UHMAZING. This message was prompted by learning that GitHub, which is also incredibly useful and keeps the internet alive, has not been profitable. Because capitalism is and always was broken and makes mean ppl smoking mirrors rich and really really really incredibly nice people doing the bestestestest hardestestest work have trouble getting groceries. Don’t you ever let that budget sheet make you feel less-than ever. Getting USEFUL things done like Autostraddle and keeping yourselves mostly hopefully adequately fed is EXTRAFUCKINGORDINARY SUPERHERO SAVIOR STUFF Y’ALL.

MISC

Hi :-) How can I find cheap menswear that fits a plus size female body? I want to look dapper, but not particulary male. I’m in the uk and tend towards vintage – when in a high femme mood I wear swing dresses with petticoats and persuade my short-with-undercut hair into an almost victory roll, but more and more I am leaning towards my badly fitting menswear. Do I need a binder?
Yvonne: I wish I knew! :( Do commenters have recommendations? If you know how to sew, you can try making your own clothes!

Riese: You might like this series too. Here’s a Kat Sandoval style thief, here are tips for mastering button-down shirts when you’re busty, and here’s “fat booty butch buys a suit on a budget.” asos tends to be a good place to find relatively cheap clothes and they have extensive plus sizing — but also you can just pick cheap stuff up at thrift stores or even at asos and then get them tailored! I know that costs more money but the investment can be worth it. Binders will definitely help you fit into button-up shirts better, but not everybody finds them very comfortable, that’s your call!

Hey! Will there be a Find Your Fit for more butch pregnancy/maternity styles? I am currently in the throes of this, which is hard with 3rd trimester being in summer and light dresses being most pregnant peoples’ go-to. I have several friends who have struggled to find the right clothes during pregnancy. Thanks!
Heather: Every Find Your Fit is a submission from a reader! You should submit!

What if Melania Trump isn’t a real person like what if she’s a hologram?
Heather: That’s as plausible as any other Melania Trump theory, tbh!

Heather, have you read or seen the Cursed Child and if so what do you think about it?
Heather: I have! It doesn’t feel like canon Harry Potter to me at all in any way, so I just think of it as really well written fan fiction.

Hello you spectacular incarnations of joyful goddesses, greetings from the Comments realm where I reside most cheerfully under your most benevolent watchful eye(s). I’ve noticed of late an inordinate amount of new (ish?) Autostraddle members who have… no identity whatsovever, besides a cryptic name. This makes me a tad uneasy, I must admit. Who dat ? Quite often their comments are trollish, with that negative ver-de-gris that is so, so annoying. Is this a tide-like phenomenon that you’ve witnessed before ? FYI, I now check before I like : have they given us more than an ersatz name ? It’s more time consuming but I want to encourage real community members, not… fleshbots, by which I mean fleshy beings who are paid to comment. Of course when I comment while at work, I’m “technically” behaving like a fleshbot, but really I’m not. Pinky swear. My boss most definitely does not pay me to post comments. heh heh.
Laneia: This does come in waves, yes! I always click through to a person’s profile and read back on the other comments they’ve left to see how their engagement has looked over the years before I’ll reply to something negative or trolling, because if you haven’t put anything positive into this community, I’m not going to waste my time explaining something or trying to win you over. You know?

Have you seen the promos for the new ABC series Single Parents? I’m getting strong queer vibes from Angie (Leighton Meester) – hope I’m not wrong!
Heather: I always get a strong queer vibe off of Leighton Meester, even when she played Blair Waldorf, so I hope you’re right!

Goodwill is selling used flip-flops. Are used flip-flops a concept too disgusting to contemplate?
Rachel: Unfortunately I think the answer is yes.

Rachel, do you know about this? It seems relevant to your interests
Rachel: Omg thank you anonymous angel, I did not! Tag yourself I’m the sheet ghost in the yard

Riese put something at the top of her recent article about picking up meds… Can someone give her a hug please.
Sarah: I see her in a week, and I’ve also been having issues with picking up meds — we will hug each other in solidarity but also I will give her an extra hug from you, okay?

Is there ethical consumption under capitalism?
Rachel: ?

Yvonne: Eh, probably not. It sounds to good to be true.

So while I was at A-Camp (oh wow I have said that so much over the last few days, go figure) I saw people wearing a black t-shirt with [infinity symbol] Days of Carol written in shiny silver lettering. Is this a thing that one can procure in the real world? May I have one? Miss you all!
Heather: Our illustrious reader and sometimes writer Sally made those shirts, I believe! Sally? Sally, are you here? Are you selling those shirts?

any ideas on where to buy a pride flag where the proceeds will go to actual queer people/causes??
Yvonne: The first thing that came to mind is Haley Kiyoko’s merch!

It seems like everybody is breaking up at this time and I just want to bake a cake filled with rainbows and send it to any person who is newly single and hurting.
Heather: I would absolutely join you in baking such a cake and hand-delivering it!

Yvonne: Sooo many people have broken up this year! But I feel for a lot of the people I know who broke up this year, like it was ultimately beneficial and good for their own personal growth? And while it might be a bummer at the moment and come with awful breakup feelings, I feel weirdly happy for them and their futures too!

Hello. I did as y’all suggested and put you guys as priority folks for my Facebook news feed. However as of late, y’all are showing up nowhere at all in my news feed instead of at the top. Is Facebook being a shady fuck about this or something or is it just my Facebook being an ass? Or a third option I have not considered?
Heather: Thank you for this heads up; I will look into this immediately!

all things being equal, roberta colindrez popped up in The Good Fight’s season finale, and I gasped
Yvonne: I don’t watch The Good Fight but OMG ROBERTA COLINDREZ IS SO HOT.

I saw The Miseducation of Cameron Post yesterday in the Toronto LGBT movie festival and wow what a movie! It was difficult and uncomfortable and sad at parts, but also has some humor to it, and the acting is sooo good and I feel lucky it’s a movie that got made and it’s being distributed cause it’s unlike anything I’ve seen in a ya movie. I’m so glad I saw it surrounded by queers which made the whole experience better. On the thougher parts, I could hear the room reacting and it felt so good to know I was in a safe space! Love you all, excited to see the coverage of it whenever it comes out!
Heather: I honestly cannot wait for this movie to get distributed in a way that I can view it in a theater here in NYC! I have been on pins and needles since the very first announcement about the book’s acquisition was made!

Does autostraddle have a service where a farm lez comes to my house to explain nontoxic pest control for the peach tree in my back yard but plot twist she’s my soul mate and moves in that same afternoon? just wondering because I noticed some bugs bothering my tree this morning and also I’m obviously SO LONELY lololol
Heather: Have you ever read Barbara Kingsolver’s Prodigal Summer? This question makes me think you would love that book.

Vapid fluff hot tip! Have you seen the instagram cuteness between amandla stenberg and king princess? Gal pals?
Yvonne: For sure gal pals.

definitely check out the book Social Creature by Tara Isabella Burton. its a queer AF book by a queer AF author!
Rachel: Thank you friend!

I would die for Waverly Earp.
Heather: Get in line, buddy.

Hot tip! The 500 Queer Scientists project launched yesterday and needs more queer stories!!  There’s also an interview with Dr. Lauren Esposito (co-founder) on the 500 Women Scientists blog.
Yvonne: This is badass!

I feel kind of silly asking this but I’m new to dating women and maybe after years of being with judgemental guys I just don’t know… is there like a general consensus on how women feel about pubic hair? Is it cool to rock a bush or is there a preference for waxing/shaving/trimming? Because tbh I’m tired of the constant maintenance but I don’t feel embarrassed if I turn someone off.
Riese: There is no consensus at all on this, nope. I haven’t been straight in a while, but in my experience, men wanted everything gone, and none of the women I’ve had sex with have not really cared one way or the other. I also don’t care at all myself. Also like, maybe I am just speaking for me, but that is really sensitive skin down there, very prone to ingrowns (which can happen from waxing, too!) and razor burn and all kinds of stuff, so it seems like we should go easy on it. The only thing is that if you shave your labia and somebody goes down on you the next day it’s sort of like sticking your head in a cactus. Just a pro-tip.

Riese! Elif Batuman is very happily dating a woman?! I think this means that Ariel Levy will no longer be, like, the only queer lady who The New Yorker publishes. Miracles happen.
Riese: WAIT WHAT this is such a full circle moment for me I can’t even… when I started dating my first serious girlfriend she’d just discovered Elif and was obsessed with her and I mistakenly assumed she was queer. I was intimidated by this obsession because Elif is a genius and I am very smart but like maybe half as smart as her? Anyhow, fast forward to the fall of 2009, I included Elif’s book in a fall preview, and my ex was like, oh hey, Elif isn’t gay? And I was like “wait WHAT” and then was like, Ok oops. Then, this morning, randomly, I started listening to longform podcast interview. AND THEN I COME HERE AND HERE THIS IS. Also very excited for any publication to branch out from Ariel Levy.

UPDATE FROM RIESE: I finished listening to the podcast and wow! She says she’s dating a woman in the podcast! It was really sweet.

We are claiming Lou from Oceans 8 just like we claimed Holtzmann, right? It’s not canon but… c’mon
Heather: Okay but isn’t it canon?

Did you guys read this piece about Mr Rogers? It is so lovely and hopeful and kind about the world. The thing about how he reshot parts of old episodes!! Also does anyone else feel like Heather Hogan is our Mr. Rogers?
Heather: This is seriously the most wonderful compliment you could ever bestow upon me. Thank you.

This is old but I just found it and it’s amazing and the author is a queer woman and it’s about SVU! 
Rachel: Yes, we love Carmen Maria Machado! Did you read Aisha’s interview with her? Casey also put together a book list for you if you love her work!

Casually browsing through pinterest looking at wedding cake toppers, I’m struck by just HOW MANY involve a bride dragging away a groom from something…..dragging him away from the golf course, from the video game with “game over” on the screen, holding him by the back of his jacket or his leg while he’s trying to get away, even one of a groom tied up with rope and the word “yes” written on his taped-up mouth….. Like, really, straight people are not ok!! Looking forwards to Erin’s next installment of the Straight People watch. Also, I love you all :)
Yvonne: Oh for sure, straight people are definitely not ok. Those cake toppers seem so tacky too! Why would you buy one of those?

Laneia, you wrote something sort of recently about Megan and the orange juice cap and loving people as they are. I think about it a lot. Like more than once a week. I appreciate you.
Laneia: Thank you for this! ? I too think about Megan and the orange juice cap more than once a week, though I bet for different reasons than you.

Is there a queer version of a wardrobe stylebox? I just signed up for Dia Box and I cannot seem to explain to them that I just want to dress like wildfang for a fat body and cheaper price!
Riese: Yes, Grayscale Goods, but they’re not accepting new orders right now because they’re backed up.

Kiss Me First, coming soon to Netflix US, sounds like a queer version of Ready Player One, in six episodes. 
Laneia: NEAT.

How about a story to counter the ScarJo debacle? Trans actress Nicole Amber Maines will star in “Bit”: “the story centers on a teenage transgender girl who moves to LA and falls in with a gang of intersectional feminist vampires. (Nothing says 2018 quite like intersectional feminist vampires.)” 
Laneia: Love it.

Is Cancer Season supposed to make me spacey and unmotivated at work as all hell or am I just losing it??
Yvonne: I thought Cancer Season just made you cry a lot?

Not gonna lie, I’ve never read the autostraddle newsletter until today. But please don’t take it personally! My email inbox has been showing 9,999+ unread emails for eternity so there are a lot of emails I don’t read… But today I learned that Laneia used to live in Lemoore! And while the central valley is the armpit of california, my little heart has such a soft spot for it after the years I live there. And I learned there was a list of upcoming posts for next week?!!? It makes me even more excited to check for new posts! In short, the newsletter seems great and I’m gonna read it more often when I see it in my inbox! (I’ve been not reading it for so long I’m not even sure how often it comes out?…) More in short, you guys are great!
Laneia: It’s SUCH an armpit!!!  But I miss it so much all the time!!!!! Thank you for all of this nice newsletter feedback!! So the newsletter comes out every Friday, usually before noon on the west coast, and then I sit in my little hole and refresh the open rates to see how many of you are opening it (never enough!) and I don’t stop doing that until the following Tuesday. But I mean like, no pressure.

If a woman does not watch all of your instagram stories does it like definitely mean she isn’t into you cause I definitely think it means that
Yvonne: If she usually watches all your Insta stories and then she doesn’t, then I agree, she’s just not that into you. :(

In Vanessa’s “10 floors I’ve lied on” she says, “Thank goddess I’m not a baby dyke anymore” which made me chuckle. In my mid twenties I still consider myself a “baby dyke” kind of based on age, time since I’ve fully come out, etc. Curious on some thoughts and opinions on when/how you all felt like you made it out of the baby dyke phase of your life and felt more like a full blown adult queer person?
Yvonne: I knew I wasn’t straight when I was 17 and then stayed in the closet until I was about 21. I definitely was a baby gay all those years and then I went up a level, let’s say a teen~ gay, once I came out to my parents and took a college class on queer theory which happened in the same semester in 2012. I don’t think you need to take a queer theory class to become an “adult gay” but there was a definite shift in how I perceived myself and how I carried myself. I expanded my knowledge of queer history and gender and sexuality beyond my own experiences and that in turn gave me more confidence and a boost of self-esteem because I was comfortable with who I was and my own queer community. That was also the same semester where I began to make more dyke friends and went to their parties and learned all about their exes and drama. It was lots of fun! I graduated college not too long after that and I got a job at a gay and lesbian magazine in Austin and thinking back, I still wasn’t a full blown queer adult yet. I said some stupid shit and didn’t have a full grasp of how to be a queer adult because there were still many firsts. I was still uncomfortable talking to my family about my partner and my queerness, like I never talked about Gloria or ever said the word gay. I think it wasn’t until I got a job here at Autostraddle as Associate Editor in 2013 that I would consider myself being a full blown adult queer person. By that point, I was gay everywhere and I mostly didn’t care (unless I was in small towns in Texas)! I felt I knew what the fuck was going on and felt good about myself!

Hmm.. ! Joss Whedon has “The Nevers” coming to HBO, “an epic science fiction drama about a gang of Victorian women who find themselves with unusual abilities, relentless enemies and a mission that might change the world. Whedon will serve as writer, director, exec producer and showrunner”. 
Laneia:  ?

gay…?
Yvonne: BISEXUAL

have y’all seen the trailer for a simple favor with anna kendrick and blake lively? there is some serious Gay Energy y’all. Blake Lively in a suit, Anna Kendrick existing and looking at her???
Yvonne: Oh wow, I just watched this and you’re totally right about the Gay Energy. So much of it!

Hey what’s up hello! as soon as I read this I knew I wanted to read some autostraddle perspective on it. Like…it’s nothing we couldn’t have told these researchers ourselves but DAMN you know?
Laneia: I do know and I agree, damn. It’s like, GET IT TOGETHER OUT THERE !

I’m not positive on how this would work in practice, but can we work on some sort of professional networking thing for queer ladies? Something where we can post about jobs we know in queer-friendly workplaces and then help our fam actually get those jobs? Like I work for a giant company that actually is super queer friendly, and I don’t think anyone outside of the company knows just how queer friendly it is (while also having all the downfalls of a giant corporation). Idk, I just think we all need to help each other become financially okay/amazing, and networking seems to be the trick to that.
Laneia: This is a very good idea, yes! It’s similar to a couple of other ideas we’ve had and I promise you, if we had the resources to make this happen, we would 100% make this happen! I personally want a database of all the queer owned/operated repair services in my city so I never have to invite a strange man into my home ever again!

I know already that “boyfriend”-style and 90s high waisted jeans are queer culture but how are we meant to wear these jeans and NOT LOOK SHORTER THAN WE ACTUALLY ARE? because y’all i am not wearing heels with this shit
Yvonne: I feel you! I’m 5’2″ and I love wearing “boyfriend” style jeans because they’re so comfy. I don’t wear long shirts with these jeans, I make sure the shirt sits at my waist. Also my jeans are stylishly ripped at the knee and I usually wear pair them with sandals or low cut Converse or Nikes and I don’t look any shorter than I usually do.

I’m sure you all probably/definitely saw this lovely piece on God + A-Camp, but if not I wholeheartedly recommend it: http://narrative.ly/i-found-god-at-queer-summer-camp/. Is there any chance you’d republish this or have Jeanna write a version/something else here? I know you published her wonderful “Wherever West Is,” and I’ve love to see more writing by her here. This isn’t really a “hot tip,” more just a note that if you published more of her writing at some point, I’d be very happy!
Laneia: I love that piece so much! Jeanna’s writing something else for us at the moment (not about that) and we’re so excited!! Are you signed up for her newsletter??

is Christine Baranski peak Mommi? I LOVE HER
Laneia: I’ve asked Kayla to comment on this and will update the post with her response as soon as I have it. Bless you.

*UPDATE*: This just in from Kayla—

Kayla: Yes, Christine Baranski is extremely Mommi. (But Diane Lockhart is daddy.)

You have to admit, this *is* a pretty great headline: “Fed Up With Mortal Men, Women Are Having Sex with Ghosts” 
Laneia: I do, I do admit that.

HI HI HI KRISTEN STEWART IS GONNA BE IN THE CHARLIE’S ANGELS REBOOT!!!! THEY’D BETTER GATY IT UP!!! #twentygayteen
Laneia: I was very emotional upon learning this a few days ago and felt so alone in that emotionality so I’m REALLY happy you wrote this!

adrienne maree brown [amb] (author of book Emergent Strategy) is releasing a new book called Pleasure Activism in Feb 2019. amb is queer, brown, poly, and she’s a facilitator of black liberation work, healer, and doula living in Detroit, so the book is probly gonna be queer and poly and brown and all that good stuff relevant to AS interests. 
Yvonne: Thanks for the recommendation! Cant’ wait to read it!

My bestie and I started watching The L Word because I wasn’t out when it aired so I missed the whole thing but I want to get all the references. While revelling in that whole delicious hot mess my bud mentioned how the wrap-ups on afterellen were a wonderful formative influence on her as a young lady gay, so I pulled up the site and on the second article I clicked from the front page got sucker punched by the same transphobia I’ve found in every other space for women I’ve tried to seek shelter in. I can’t tell you how much autostraddle means to me. Seriously I can’t, I keep trying to but then I end up sobbing and forgetting what I was going to say. This place is a big fucking deal though. Ah shit now I’m crying again okay goodbye but for real this place fills my big dumb heart with almost painful levels of joy.

Really Nice Things You Told Us

Heather Hogan is just too awesome please help
Heather: YOU’RE too awesome!

Hi I always want to tell you all how awesome you are etc but then I start worrying that sending you such messages just creates more work for you and maybe makes you feel more pressure instead of feeling like you are amazing? I guess what I’m asking is, should I send you all random compliments via this contact box or is that counterproductive?
Rachel: I sincerely love us all so much, only Straddlers would worry that complimenting us is somehow a form of emotional labor! Thank you so much angel, your kind words really help keep us going, we are very grateful for them always.

Yall are heroes. I’m seeing allllll thoseeeee hours of unpaid work, talking, hashing out, worrying, dreaming, fighting, creating, coordinating, crisis handling you do. Sending love <3
Heather: This is the way, it’s the way that we live, it’s the way that we liiiive and looooove. (Thank you!)

Can’t even begin to tell you how much A-Camp meant to me or changed me, so instead I’ll just let you know that my cabin started a group me with 100+ messages a day where we’re sharing baby photos and screenshots of text flirting game and safer sex convos inspired by camp. Also I made out with my camp crush in the real world yesterday and it was A+++++. Y’all do the Lord’s work. <3
Riese: THAT IS SO WONDERFUL TO HEAR!

I just wanna say: the fact that yall are doing incredibly valuable work and sorta kinda able to pay your bills, I hope and think, means you’re UHMAZING. This message was prompted by learning that GitHub, which is also incredibly useful and keeps the internet alive, has not been profitable. Because capitalism is and always was broken and makes mean ppl smoking mirrors rich and really really really incredibly nice people doing the bestestestest hardestestest work have trouble getting groceries. Don’t you ever let that budget sheet make you feel less-than ever. Getting USEFUL things done like Autostraddle and keeping yourselves mostly hopefully adequately fed is EXTRAFUCKINGORDINARY SUPERHERO SAVIOR STUFF YALL.
Laneia: THANK YOU I NEEDED THIS.

hi loves! trying to stay off twitter today because everything in the world is a complete garbage fire and i quite literally do not know what to do, so just wanted to say HELLO and THANKS for being the non-garbage-fire corner of the internet like always xoxo
Heather: Thank you for helping make Autostraddle the opposite of a garbage-fire corner of the internet.

ok. i am reading the autostraddle insider. and i! cannot! believe! how much shit (ranging from the inane and unnecessary to the vitriolic) y’all get regularly, and i just wanted to apologize on behalf of, i don’t know, humanity at large. autostraddle is so important and i hope those of us who are grateful can express that more often, because we will always outnumber the rest. thank you thank you thank you, from the bottom of my little lesbian heart.
Laneia: This is a very kind thing to sayyyyyy!  I love getting shit when we should be getting shit, because I love growth, but yeah the other shit is like, not great.

Your (collective your) hair looks great today!! Thanks for all of your hard work and dedication and constant love <3 :)
Laneia: Thank you! I haven’t even showered yet!

category drop down is very cool! that’s so autostraddle constantly improving such growth so good what a team love ya!
Laneia: Thank you!! I love the lil’ facelift Sarah and Cee have given us.

Hello! i just wanted to say ty for this inbox! A+ and all of you are so great, and I’ve learned and continue to learn so much from this site
Laneia: Yourrrrrr welcome!! I’m so happy you’re here.

Sometimes I daydream about if/when I win the lottery//make tons of money, how I’m gonna give it all to Autostraddle cause you all deserve the world. I am forever thankful for all you do and the impact you have on this here queer world.
Riese: You know, I have that same dream. For all of us, honestly!

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