Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we’ve decided to dedicate an entire post to answering them every month instead! We think this will be a lot of fun for everybody in the whole family. We have included as many as we can. We love you, your hair looks fantastic today!

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A-CAMP, MERCH, BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

I just bought a menstrual cup and I wanted to use an AS affiliate link but I didn’t see one on the nicely redesigned affiliates page! So now Erika Moen gets my .30 cents or however these programs work. Maybe contact gladrags?
Sarah: Thanks for the hot tip! We just added Glad Rags to our Affiliate Marketplace! And as a recent adopter of menstrual cups, I would highly recommend their XO Flo menstrual cup!

So I know that ads are a part of your revenue and I try to support you all in a variety of ways! I realized about a month ago that I had my adblocker on for this site on accident. so I disabled it cause again I want to support you anyway I can! But the last month of having it off has made the loading time so slow, there are occasionally video ads, and when I try to write comments it lags and takes 3x as long. I don’t want to turn the ad blocker back on necessarily but reading and commenting has taken so much longer and its kind of frustrating. Is there anything I can do to fix that?
Sarah: Hi! We’ve been using the same ad network for awhile, but because some major issues with timely payments we’ve discontinued using them. We’re in the middle of trying out new platforms, and the one you were having problems with is currently disabled until we can ensure those problems don’t happen again! You should be safe to turn your ad blocker off now.

Hi there! I’m curious if the gender traitor sweatshirt is printed on the same brand of sweatshirt as the green gal pal holiday one you stocked before. Also how sheer/thin/thick would you say the fabric is on the t-shirts? (I’m looking for clothes that will actually fit well while binding ) Thank you!!
Sarah: These are not the same garment! However, I would say it’s equally cozy, if not even more cozy than the Independent Sweatshirt that the Gal Pal design was printed on! We are so obsessed with the Eco Fleece from Alternative Apparel that we have printed every sweatshirt design on it since!

Not every tee is the same garment, but I would say that in general the ones that are colors (not white), are traditionally opaque, and a regular amount of t-shirt thickness! If you want to ask about specific tees just shoot me a question in the comments and @sarsquared!

How’s A+ doing? How many members are there?
Rachel: We talked about this a bit in our 2017 by the Numbers post — we had 2,550 members as of that post (compared to 2180 in 2016 and 1695 in 2015) and made 37.5% of our income as a website from A+, more than camp (and actually the biggest single stream of income) for the first time ever! Thank you angels, you have no idea how much your support means to us, and how much it helps :)

where do you find your models for your merch??? they are so so attractive just an fyi in case you didn’t notice
Sarah: DEEP BREATH Yes, yes I noticed. I am with you on this! Our models are close friends with our photographer Molly Adams, who lives in Los Angeles. We’re very lucky she’s got so many attractive queer friends

Your ModCloth affiliate link has expired and isn’t working anymore. Are there plans to renew it?
Sarah: Thank you for the heads up! The ModCloth link has been updated in our Affiliate Marketplace.

I’m one of those biqueers in a relationship with a cisdude and I’m feeling the loss of queer communities right now like a gut punch, and then I remembered A-Camp exists and I have vacation days! But also I’ve never been before and I’m a nervous introvert who may be feeling too much. Tell me it’s all gonna be okay? And also to go to A-Camp?
Heather: Oh, it’s absolutely going to be okay! Come to camp! You’ll be so happy to find so many other biqueer folks in relationships with dudes!

Rachel: Come to camp! There are so many people you’re going to be so happy to meet, and so many people in a similar place. It’ll be okay! I’ll sit next to you at lunch!

Laneia: You have no idea how in your element you’ll be at A-Camp!

Could you send a reminder about A+ renewals coming due, maybe a week or two ahead of time? It could be very helpful – I’d have been able to pause mine briefly, and save a few hurried transfers to set things right. ^_^; My fault, I know, and definitely my fault for going anywhere near BofA..
Riese: We do actually! You get a reminder email one week before renewal and then another email the day before renewal. Maybe they’ve ended up in the wrong folder?

Bras! Y’all should make bras. I would wear the hell out of an AS bra.
Heather: At the last senior editors shakedown for some reason Laneia said, “Never try to separate a soft butch from her sports bra!” And it made me laugh and this comment made me think of that and I thank you.

Laneia: Please tell me what an AS bra would look like/say!

Any chance for another Midwest camp sometime in the near future? I thought I had read that you didn’t want to go back to the previous location, but I hope you are scouting for a new one!
Riese: Probably not. :-/ That camp did not meet our needs on any level and were not helpful on-site when basic things like “enough food” weren’t offered (eventually a lot of staff stopped eating meals in the cafeteria so there’d be more food for campers, and we shared a LENGTHY list of complaints post-camp). But part of the reason we never ventured out of California was the weather — it’s really difficult to schedule programming and generally have a good time and not freeze to death when it rains every day, and we rent summer camps, so the summer months aren’t available to us. But camps out west are way more expensive than the ones in the midwest (with the exception of our first site, Alpine, whose prices are honestly unheard-of levels of cheap), so we really did want it to work. Alas it did not. But I hope the site we picked for this year works out, if it does we’ll probably stick with it for a while!

Hey guys. Loving the content but the comments take so long to load now! I usually just give up because it takes so long. I’m not complaining at all but I want to make sure you know. It’s 7th Jan and I guess is been like that all week. Love you all, you’re the best. Hope it’s not a huge issue <3 okay bye
Yvonne: I’ll pass this on to Cee!

Why do I have to be signed in to read comments now?
Riese: You don’t

Did y’all recently update/redo some of the menu options? I love it! Or if my memory’s just bad and it’s the same as it’s always been… I still love it!
Riese: I’m so glad you love it! Also, I’m sorry about your memory. It’s exciting for the little plastic castle to be a surprise every time.

I don’t know who the stunning woman is modeling the Mommi tee in your ad but I am mesmerized every time I look at the photo
Laneia: I also don’t know who she is but I agree she has some mesmerizing eyes.

So. The new comment loading system. Is it to make pages download faster? My only concern (and I get that it’s maybe a weak one), is that before if I clicked on a Latest Comment on the home page, the website would take me right to it. Now I just get to the article page. And I have to hunt for it–only really an inconvenience when there are hundreds of comments and replies to comments. You guys are doing great work and have a zillion other actual important things to think about, so I’m not expecting a fix–just to understand why the change.
Yvonne: I’ll pass this on to Cee!

Riese: The reason they made the change was because there were some pages that weren’t loading at all (like the dead lesbian and bisexual characters and the mike pence messiah post), or only loading halfway, because of too many comments.

I think you’re doing amazing and I am so FRUSTRATED on your behalf every time someone says “this post is about x; why are you so obsessed with x and anti y.” So instead of starting a fight in the comments I’m just going to say I love this website.

ALL-CONSUMING NEEDS TO SHARE

Hello! Something great and gay happened to me and I need to share! So. I work as an English teacher in Korea, and the other day I had to do a class on LGBT life around in the world. My initial feeling was intense gay fear (that my gayness would radiate, I’d cry at the TED talk, etc). But in fact! At the end this lady came up and said she was Christian, opposed to LGBT people, but watching this TED talk (LGBT life round the world if you want to cry) had made her reconsider. She almost cried! I almost cried!
Heather: That’s so wonderful and uplifting and filled my heart right up with hope!

Was gonna post the following as a comment under this interview by Erin, but then I realized probably no one would see it and I want some kind of validation of my feelings?: NOOOo this fucked me right up at 3:08 am after I bought an A+ subscription at like 2:45 bc I wanted this exact kind of content. So first it was just like ~ruining~ me bc MA said she hadn’t met anyone funny/like Erin since they dated and that’s LITERALLY MY BIGGEST FEAR but in my case, we never dated (me and one of my past best friends who I’m somewhat in [what I assume is unrequited] love with rn), and then I was relieved to see Erin start to offer me, someone “who’s like 19” (late 18) advice, but it’s IRRELEVANT bc 1) i hate tequila anyway and 2) i have conveniently decided that “therapy” and “boundaries” need not apply to my life, at least for the sake of continuing to freak out abt this article bc it’s 3:14 now and I already am freaking out about why I’m still up and I need to wake up soon
Rachel: Friend I hope you got some sleep! You have to make a promise to yourself to be gentle with yourself at 3:14 am and to soberly reassess the root of what you were actually spiraling about at like 2 pm the next day. I hope you did this, and take care!

Why do parents keep sending their toddlers to my nursery school class in designer clothes? I explained to them that we fingerpaint and do sensory-based activities that are frequently messy. I was very clear about how stained their clothes would get. I’m talking about one-year-olds. Babies, who eat mashed potatoes with their hands. In Calvin Klein sweater sets. What is this
Heather: It’s nonsense and mayhem! You shouldn’t be responsible for trying to make sure kids keep their fancy clothes clean on top of teaching them how to be a functioning human in the world!

Laneia: As the levelheaded, rational spokesperson for all parents, I want to apologize on behalf of the community. Some of us are beyond helping.

I asked the girl I like to get coffee with me and she said yes! I don’t know if it’s a date or not but if it is, it will be my first ever, and I’m full of joy!
Heather: OH! That’s wonderful news! I hope you had so much fun and made a real love connection and also I hope whatever coffee you drank was delicious.

I have a date this morning! I have had “dates” before but they weren’t really dates and didn’t go anywhere. This is my first date, like meeting someone new that I don’t know, and it’s obviously a DATE! So I am mostly excited but also nervous! Like I hope its easy to find her in the coffee shop, recognizing someone from just a profile pic is hard! I hope I can be present and enjoy our conversation! I just, wow, this is new!
Heather: Is this you from the question above? Keep us updated!

why are teenage boys gross?? like I went to my school dance with the girl who I am dating (it was our second date, so that means we’re dating?? right?!?) and IT WAS AMAZING SHE IS AMAZING and we were just dancing and really feelin it the whole night but multiple times there were groups of boys who were a. staring at us/clearly talking about us or b. they came over and started dancing next to us and shouting gross stuff. and we go to an all-girls school so these aren’t boys we know, they’re other girls’ random dates. IT WAS JUST REALLY CREEPY AND GROSS.
Rachel: ~put them in the sea~

(nervous about first date person) It went well! AND we are meeting up again in a few days… and I keep thinking about her ! This is cool! Dating is cool! I’m trying to be cool, but ultimately am a blushing mess….so >.<
Heather: YAAAAAAAAY!

Rosa from Brooklyn Nine-Nine is bi and dating a woman! My television dreams have come true.
Heather:

You do not need to respond to this – please use that time to do something just for you right now instead! Your AM/PM series has HUGELY improved my life – it convinced me to go to therapy, and take care of myself in the morning and evening, and exercise and use a passion planner (made by Angelia Trinidad who you put in vapid fluff yaaaaaaay). I haven’t gotten to meditation but I get there it’ll be because of AM/PM. Also in my passion planner I have plans to find an obgyn thanks to your articles about that. Thanks for making me functional yall. However long I live, it will be better and longer because of you.
Rachel: This made me so emotional in such a good way! I’m so glad, friend. Honestly the AM/PM series has really helped me out and I work here even, so I totally get what you’re saying!

Laneia: AM/PM has helped me, too! Y’ALL WE ARE HELPING EACH OTHER LIVE. I love everyone here!

Today in my life someone cute poked me and I giggled, and my brain supplied the self burn “giggled like the Pillsbury DykeBoi” so that happened
Yvonne: Cute!!

HELP I accidentally out-loud said “Ugh, she’s back,” when I saw that my landlady was home and she suddenly appears around the corner RIGHT THERE and I play it off like I’m talking to the cat but HOLLLYYY SHITE. She is very nice to me, albeit frequently difficult to live with, very nosy, etc, and I’m wondering now… what do I do? If anyone’s looking for me I’ll be looking for a shed to live in temporarily.
Riese: Hmmm…. I mean, I think all humans, especially landladies, are aware that in moments of stress and duress, ill is spoken of them behind their backs. It’s a fact of life. I think you just continue acting like everything is fine until she doubts her own memory. You tried to save it by acting like it was about your cat, which was a polite save, and now you proceed as if nothing ever happened, therefore confusing her and encouraging aforementioned self-doubt.

I have discovered that if I keep two water glasses on my bedside table the cat will always drink from the one on the left I’m not sure if I am proud or horrified
Rachel: You’re sharing your most precious resources with your child! A natural and beautiful human instinct.

I have been invited to participate in a poinsettia growing contest. I think this is the straightest thing that has ever happened to me. (I declined the invitation).
Heather: No, no, you have to do these things so that gay people can win everything! I got invited to do a tomato growing contest this year and I thought the same thing but then I remembered my duty to be better than straight people and let them know it, so I did. (I won! My tomatoes were delicious!)

I had my first queer kisses with the girl I’m seeing today and I just wanted to scream about it somewhere thank you
Riese:

I have really terrible self-esteem and as such have a hard time believing anyone would actually ever like me in a more than friends kind of way. Friends say it’s not true, but would they tell me if it was? If it’s not true then why can’t I ever get farther than a handful of dates with women that I’ve gone out with? It seems to just reinforce all my negative thought about myself. I can and do function being alone, and I’m glad to know that I can, but I don’t really want to be. I’m not young. I feel like I’m running out of time.
Rachel: This is a really difficult thought cycle to break out of — the one of deciding you believe something about yourself, which in this case is that you’re unlovable/undesirable, and then lasering in with your confirmation bias on any small detail that you think supports it (or, in the case of imagining your friends are telling you white lies, imagining confirmation). I know this deeply, how hard it is! For the sake of this brief answer, I’d like to gently challenge you to answer your own question: what are other possible reasons besides deep, inherent undesirability that those didn’t turn into relationships? When other people go on dates that don’t turn into relationships, do you assume they are also inherently unlovable? Is it possible your dates also had their own sets of fears and anxieties and insecurities that could have hindered things? Did you actually want a relationship with those specific people? What did you want in those scenarios? Did you find them desirable? Were you operating from a mindset of desire or perceived scarcity/unlovability?

The truth is that we’re all making it up as we go along, and a lot of people are having the exact same experience you are, and they are also not young. I can’t tell you how many people write in and say “it’s been X years since I’ve been on a date, in a relationship, touched somebody, it’s been X years I’ve been single.” The truth is a lot of the factors involved in that eventuality are out of your control, and mine. But one thing that is in your control is the person you bring to the table. When you do meet someone that you want to do something real with, and they want it too, this feeling you’ve carried for so long isn’t going to suddenly magically go away. It will still be present in some ways, and if you don’t work to heal it, it will impact your relationship, too. Think about what it might look like to try starting to heal this part of yourself! I know it’s not easy, but I believe in you.

Dearests, There are no accidents and I would have embraced cashmere ponchos, finishing the last of the wine and acting like everybody’s slightly condescending aunt one way or another. You’ll think it harsh of me, but I have gone so far as to konmari my entire closet and hold everything up to the light and think “what would Carol/Cate Blanchett/Robin Wright/Erin pair with this” (cotton shirts are tricky, even the ones from Muji, advice v welcome). This is a journey and I am not done, but when I have reached peak mommi I want you to imagine me there to greet you, our lives stretched out ahead of us, a perpetual sunrise. Thank you for helping me find my place in the world: well-moisturized, sending my invoices on time and with absolutely no patience for men. I love you all.
Heather: It’s a good thing the guy in the ski department didn’t try to help you. I doubt very much you would have bought a cashmere poncho from him.

Rachel: I don’t know who you are but I’ve never believed in anyone’s ability to reach peak mommi more than you.

Laneia: You are a fucking inspiration.

I’m worried that I’m never going to date anyone again. I’m not sure I’m really cut out for being in a relationship, I hate all the stress and expectations that come with trying to date, and I need my space when I’m in a relationship. But at the same time I’m just so jealous of all my friends who are getting married and feel so lonely all the time. I’ve almost convinced myself that I’m okay with being single forever, but I don’t know what that means for my queer identity, or what I’m really missing out on. I feel like I’m in the time of my life where I really need to be dating if I don’t want to be alone, but it also just doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to happen, and I’m not sure how to be okay with that.
Riese: Hm, well firstly it’s entirely possible that you’ve just not found the right person for you if all you relationships are stressful and too suffocating, in which case I really think don’t lose hope because you could definitely find someone who is on your level! They exist all over the place! Maybe the ideal partner for you would be long-distance, or somebody semi-aromantic, or a type of open relationship.

Secondly, it sucks that you feel like the only way you can be not alone is to be in a relationship, ’cause that’s definitely the worst reason to be in a relationship! Literally half the people reading this right now are single (half our readers are single, this is a fact) and I think there’s honestly quite a lot to appreciate about a life lived solo. I know this article is about hetero marriage, but it’s still worth thinking about — the value we place on Coupled Companionship in this society is a bit out of control.

Also I don’t know if you’ve heard but “single” is the new “queer.” (JUST KIDDING IT’S NOT.)

Guys I’m conquering my social anxiety and going to a huge NYE bash in Chicago by myself! I’ve been in a bad place because my girlfriend broke up with me and I’ve been feeling really alone and abandoned. OMG I’M SO EXCITED. Yes I’ve posted this all over Facebook but this is a big step for me and I don’t really have any close friends that I get to hang out with, but since A-Camp I feel like you guys are my friends so I just wanted to let you know.
Heather: I hope you had the best time and stayed warm and hydrated!

Thank you so much for the non-binary roundtable. I have been having a really difficult time trying to make any sense of my feelings/experiences around gender, and being around narrow-minded family members over the holidays made things even harder. Hearing from other nb folks about their relationships to gender is helping me to feel less alien/alienated and to stay hopeful that I might, slowly, find my way to myself.
Alaina: I’m so glad the roundtable was helpful for you! Trying to define your gender is long, hard heart-work, so take your time. There’s no rush to make a decision; you’ve got your whole life ahead of you!

I think the world – and by the world, I mean me – needs a Person of Interest podcast, similar to Kristin and Jenny’s AMAZING Buffy podcast. I’ve looked, and the only PoI podcast that exists is hosted by two dudes and only covers seasons 4 & 5 (aka they miss a lot of the good stuff between Root and Shaw, not to mention Carter and Zoe). If a good podcast about PoI already exists, someone please point me to it! If it doesn’t, then I’m BEGGING some members of the AS community to PLEASE create it so I can listen to every episode a thousand times. However, if you want something and it doesn’t exist, you should create it yourself. So, if neither of those above options work out, my proposition to the AS community is – does anyone want to co-host a PoI podcast with me where we mostly just talk about how awesome Sarah Shahi and Amy Acker are together, make up fanfic about all the women on the show, talk a lot about the patriarchy, maybe interview Kristin and Jenny for podcast ideas, and pretty much ignore everything the boys do in each episode?!
Heather: Probably gay POI podcasts don’t exist because it’d be just gay women screaming. I mean, that’s what I’d do if I tried to host a POI podcast.

Hey Autostraddle! Just wanted to remind you all that the work you do is SO important to so many people. :) Autostraddle helped me feel rooted and connected to something bigger when I was coming out at age 16 (circa 2011) and felt lonely… And now it is helping me through a weird amorphous end-of-college slug depression bad time. I’ve been going back through the A+ archives, re-reading personal essays and listening to the podcasts, etc., and it is so damn comforting. Your content helps me feel ok about being a human. Xoxo Emma from Utah

I wrote a dystopian computer-matched soulmates Swan Queen fanfiction before the Black Mirror episode was released!.
Yvonne: hahaa! That’s great! (I really loved that episode of Black Mirror. It made me want to hug and kiss my partner??)

Animaniacs is returning! (In 2020) 
Riese: ok now i have that song stuck in my head again.

Laneia: Every fucking time, man.

Completely inconsequential to everyone but me, but, I now have several copies of my deed poll. Gone is my former, technically male identity, and now, formally, my true self. I think I’ve only been this happy once before, on meeting my love, which had developed online. (It eventually faded, but we did enjoy a couple wonderful years) Next stops: the banks, local medical practice, and oh yes, the passport folks. ^_^
Laneia: HELL YEAH ?

Today at happy hour my coworkers were commiserating about experiences accidentally going on dates with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named supporters on Bumble or Tinder and boy I have never been so happy not to be straight. Thx autstraddle
Yvonne: Eww, that’s so sad!

Hi. I am a member of a Root & Shaw Facebook group and it is a combination of queer women and presumably straight men (although I recognise it in theory may include some non straight men). It used to not mind the men too much but now they make me really uncomfortable (I have just messaged an admin). They just keep objectifying the women and sharing photos of Amy and Sarah in underwear and provocative poses. I know women objectify women too and that some women can. E sleazy but on the whole I think queer women expressing their attraction to women do not make me at all uncomfortable but men do. I struggle to explain the difference but I think partly because women are more respectful and also because of the patriarchy don’t come from a position of entitlement and seeing women as purely there for their pleasure. I don’t want my point is, just that I only want to interact with women (and non-binary people) who are attracted to women I don’t want to interact with men and I wish there was a Root & Shaw group that men weren’t allowed to join.

Riese: It is entirely, completely, altogether one hundred percent different when it’s women appreciating women, because of the lack of power dynamic and also where lesbian/bi/queer women are concerned, it can be empowering to name and state the desires we have that we’ve been told by mainstream society are gross and unacceptable. You should make a splinter Facebook group just for women and nb people!

Soooo I just wanted to let you know how awesome you all are. I’ve been reading Autostraddle since like 2009. And y’all have helped me feel seen, supported, less alone, and more confident in myself – all super important things for this socially anxious queer who moves around a lot and has trouble making friends! So thank you thank you thank a million times over for being so smart, warm, open, comforting, funny, and generally for sharing your beautiful selves with the world! <3<3

HAVE YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS / I NEED INFORMATION / ARTICLE IDEAS

I’m watching the current series of “MasterChef: The Professionals”, and wondered – could you maybe snag an interview with Monica Galetti? She’s so superbly sharp, and seems to have a similar sense of humor too.
Heather: I sure will look into this! (Did you say sharp on purpose because she’s a chef? I imagined you winking when you typed it.)

style feature request: vegan coats that are both warm, cute, AND not a million dollars (does such a thing exist??? who knows!)
Yvonne: We recently published “6 Kinds of Coats for Facing Any Winter Weather” and some of the options fill your needs!

Hey ya’ll, I’m sure you’re on this already, but can you write something about this net neutrality bullshit and how it’s gonna affect Autostraddle and what we can do to help you guys? Oh, and if you could throw in there something about how this affects countries outside of the US who obviously use American websites and companies like Netflix, and Autostraddle, that’d be great!
Riese: We sure did! They’re right here.

Hello, Listen closely please. This is important. YOU ALL NEED TO LISTEN TO FLINT EASTWOOD. Sorry for the shouting, needed to make sure you heard. Y’all, this woman put on the most impressive live set I’ve ever seen. In front of a crowd of French people who had never heard her before. Listen, she got French people to SING and DANCE. Specifically, my non-conformist girlfriend. And an article she shared on Instagram made it clear she is fam (didn’t specify how she identifies, but another artist referred to her as one of their LGBT role models). Aside from the badass live show, she works with other amazing and often queer artists in Detroit and I would love love love love love love an Autostraddle interview. Ya know, if any of y’all are in Michigan anyway. OH WAIT. Write up or not, I just need to know I did my part to share the joy of Queen and Monster and my personal anthem Assemble Kids with you lovely people. Cheers.
Laneia: Ok I’m doing what you told me to do because you are VERY PERSUASIVE and you have not steered us wrong! Also after 29 seconds of “Queen” I thought “I bet this woman played at Bonnaroo” and I WAS RIGHT. Whew big day for you and me being correct about things! High five!

guys why are you not talking abt the girlfriend experience. this lesbian power play is so effing sexy i literally cannot.
Rachel: Riese talked about it briefly in her TV post! I heard the power play was v eyes emoji

Riese: I will talk about it eventually! But to be honest I mean it’s really terrible. Right. Like it is SOLID soft core porn but also really bad.

Hello! I’m thinking about getting pregnant soon and desperate for more people writing their stories, like Kaelyn did for her pregnancy, which was some of my favorite content ever on Autostraddle. Will you be publishing anything else like that soon? Or do you know of any great queer mom blogs? I’m having a hard time sorting through all of the hetero white mom blogs who have never heard of anti-racism. Desperately seeking some parenting talk about how to raise gender wild anti racist kids please
Laneia: Yes this is in the works! I can’t give you any more details but yes yes, I am doing my best to give you the queer parenting content you deserve!

any recs for gay parenting blogs? missing kaelyn’s baby t rex posts so bad
Laneia: I wish I had more for you, but for now try Mutha and HipMama!

i’m feeling the devon sawa/mallory ortberg type haircut situation but i’m having trouble finding a decent variety of pictures to figure out exactly what i want so could y’all maybe do some kind of 90s heartthrob haircut guide thing pls
Heather: This is a very good idea. You know who I was thinking about recently who also had that same haircut and was an absolute butch fashion icon? Dimitri from Anastasia! Look at this boi:

Hello hello! Is there a specific email if you have a question of the you-need-help variety? Should I use this contact box? Inquiring, anxious mind wants to know!
Rachel: Yeah! The specific one for advice is right here:

You Need Help

Hello! Do you think it would be possible for a gym class or other lovely column to help us queers who feel like mermaids (but like def aren’t swimmers) figure out a beginner’s swimming regime? You are and continue to be my favourite place on the internet/world.
Heather: I sure do think it would be possible!

Riese: Also I think Mack and/or Robin are gonna give swimming lessons at A-Camp!

for the lovely lesbrarians! (not that the rest of you are not lovely, or could not be helpful, I just assumed, I’m SORRY) I’m looking for action/adventure books in the vein of Anthony Horowitz and Matthew Reilley (except like, not kind of bad like his books are, preferably) but with not-men, and maybe even queer! I’d definitely be happy with majority not men and no main character allo/cis/het romances though! Thank you so much! (even if this languishes somewhere forever, you guys are the best and I love you all very deeply)
Casey: Ooh this looks like a good challenge. Adding it to my list!

Has anyone seen Cable Girls!? I watched two episode a long time ago, am just coming back to it when I saw it has a second season now, and there are lesbians! Or at least a potential lesbian couple, I can’t tell if they’ll be together but they have gay feelings for sure!
Heather: I have put this in my Netflix queue!

Hey cuties! I’m in need of fashion advice. I’m a high school teacher and I love wearing flannel but I need a look that’s professional and comfy which involves flannel. I also need flannel that fits my large arms and desire to swing them about because I need to be very expressive and move quickly with teenagers.
Riese: Hmmmm… okay you need a look that’s more professional than flannel but you want the look to also BE flannel? My friend, I’m not sure if this can be accomplished! I do think that getting a nice flannel shirt from someplace like Peau De Loop or JCrew could work, and then get it tailored to fit your body the way you want it to. Having a well-made shirt that fits you perfectly is one way to make a shirt look more formal and crisp — buttoned up high, with sharp pants. Also I think there are some prints that look more formal than others, although I can’t put my finger on why — some color combos seem more suited for the outdoors (like grey/navy/red) or a lesbian bar and some seem nicer (like a black-and-white flannel). You could also pair it with a tie or blazer. If you’re more femme, you could wear a plaid flannel dress with boots!

Just wanted to say a quick thanks for everything y’all do. Every time I read a “Some Answers” post, I get so filled with gratitude, once again, for the space y’all have created. I appreciate how intentional you are in covering diverse perspectives and stories, and I can tell so much thought goes into the content here. I hope this holiday season treats you all well, that you get lots of time with people you love, and thanks so much for all you do.

Now that Living Single is on Hulu, I’d love to see content about Queen Latifah as Khadijah James!! (ie, her gayest outfits, etc)
Riese: I believe this is in the works!!

Really hope someone will write about Cable Girls/Chicas de la Cable on Netflix… it’s Spanish, and really great, focusing on female friendships with a lot of really awesome characters (including a poly triad, and bisexual and lesbian characters!). There are 2 seasons and I’m only half through, but I can’t find much written about it and love the perspective you bring to my other favorite shows!
Yvonne: My partner is watching this and she says it’s super dramatic and over the top novela style and hates the soundtrack but still loves it! I have not watched it but it sounds pretty interesting!

Could we do a Hayley Kiyoko Style Thief-esque post? Having watched her videos like fifteen thousand times I’m convinced I should learn how to layer cool bras and cargo pants and necklaces in unexpected places
Yvonne: Ugh, yes, this is such a good idea! I love it.

Are there plans to have more “Queer IRL” galleries?? I miss these!!
Laneia: Kinda! We have some ideas for scattered ones throughout the year.

Hey! I wasn’t sure where to submit this, so if you’ve already read it forgive me, but there’s a new queer artist of color making waves named Becca Mancari. We happened to go to the same high school. They just released a new record that’s getting a bit of attention, and I’m sure they’d be a great interview. Just want to make sure they’re on your radar. ?
Yvonne: Ooo, thanks for the tip! I was not expecting a queer cowboi.

I just love you all so much thank you for being amazing.

I NEED ADVICE

Hello @Laneia! I am moving to PHX area in July to start a PhD at ASU, and vaguely recall seeing somewhere on the internet that you live there. If this is indeed the case, do you have any suggestions re: where to live? I’m 25 and single and not a nightlife person (aka I go to bed by 10.30 most nights and am not a big drinker) and ideally would like to find somewhere from whcih I can walk to a coffee place or something (though my google earth stalking is indicating that may not be the case anywhere…). Currently thinking about Chandler? Does that sound like a good idea? Aaaahhhhh moving is hard okay thanks!
Laneia: It is indeed the case! You’re the third person in six months who’s asked advice about Phoenix-area-specific things and wow I wish I left my house more often so I’d have better answers! Chandler will maybe be a little far from ASU, but it is suuuuper quiet and not a party town, that’s true. The valley is sprawling and littered with strip malls left and right, so it should be easy to find a relatively nearby coffee place where you go! It might not be your fave, but it will be a place. Tempe is actually a great town and I’d probably move there if my current rent wasn’t such a good deal. My biggest recommendation is that you HAVE to go to Changing Hands bookstore in Tempe (they have a sister location in Phoenix that’s a bookstore/bar and it’s GREAT), you’ll love it there. Also Pomegranate cafe, La Grande Orange pizza, the Trader Joe’s in Tempe is the best one. Do all of the museums in the summer and start exploring the parks in October. My biased view of some of the major neighborhoods/cities here are as follows:

Tempe: Cool vibes and ambition but down-to-earth; if Tucson and Scottsdale had a semi-responsible 22 year-old daughter; affordable
Mesa: Your cousin who doesn’t really care what the rest of the cousins have accomplished or who they married; affordable
Chandler: Cookie-cutter midlevel suburb situation; vanilla ice cream at Baskin Robbins, but Western; affordable
Ahwatukee: Mommis everywhere; hot yoga, 300 children named Ella; $
Gilbert: Your cool aunt who maybe never left her small farm town; only olds/families south of the 202; affordable
Scottsdale: No; $
Phoenix: Gorgeous-in-a-weird-way supermodel who promises she wants to hang out with you, really! You want to believe her; $
Glendale: How did you get here

Riese: jsyk these descriptions of these parts of Arizona are a solid reminder of why i have loved laneia so long and will love her forever

So I’m about to turn 19 and I’ve been trying to figure out what the fuck my sexuality is since I was 14 and I still don’t really know. I’ve only ever really enjoyed sexual situations with girls but the only time I’ve done something I would call full on sex was with a guy about a month ago and it didn’t feel quite right but it was also not that bad and I can’t write off all guys because of one meh experience with one person, right? Also the last time I kissed a girl it felt like my whole body was on fire but in a good way and with guys it’s never been anything other than a bit awkward and I usually spend a lot of it thinking about whether I’m doing this because of the patriarchy, but the girl was my best friend who I was in love with for three years and the guys have always been basically strangers. Am I overthinking this? For ages being a lesbian was a really important part of my identity and now I’m not sure it quite fits and it’s making me really sad.
Riese: I think if you had sex with a guy and found it “not that bad” but still have no interest in men then you’re still a lesbian! Lots of us have “not bad” sex with men but still lack that sexual/romantic pull towards men that we feel towards women. I think you might be overthinking it. BUT if your sexuality turns out to be different than you’d assumed initially, that’s okay, we’re all on a journey and you’re only 19! When I was 19 I’d had lots of “not bad” sex with men, two hookups with the same straight girl, a few boyfriends… and I didn’t even know what a clitoris was or how to have an orgasm. So I think you’re doing just fine. Just see what you like and you can label it later, or stick to lesbian if your primary interest is in women. I think honestly in this modern era there’s no real need to officially expand your area of interest to include men if you’re not gung-ho about it, and I get the vibe from you that you are not gung-ho about it. Also you’re probably overthinking it because well we all do.

How do you come out to someone you only see once or twice a year?
Rachel: I think you have to either do it when you see them once or twice a year OR over the internet/phone. I know those both feel weird! I’m sorry there aren’t better options!

went out with a bunch of queer friends and it was 90% amazing but 10% feeling like I’m not queer enough because I’m very femme and a bi woman who just got out of a long-term relationship with a man. I know I’m queer! I’m so freaking queer! but I can still feel strange and inadequate and “not enough” in queer spaces. how do I get over that? ):
Heather: The truth is that almost everyone feels a little awkward or out of place in most spaces! Being a human is weird! Other humans are weird! You are absolutely “enough;” you know and and your friends know it. There’s no test you have to pass to prove “how” queer you are. There are so many femme bi women in this world and in the community, and I’m very glad you’re a part of it.

Have you ever met an adult (or are you an adult) who isn’t miserable, in that subtle way, that hundreds-of-disappointments-later way? I am an adult and it feels like becoming an adult is just a slow process wherein you realize that your family isn’t happy, your parents and your aunts and your uncles, and maybe they never were, but when you were a kid you didn’t notice. Or maybe the family was happy, but now it isn’t, and no one calls eachother anymore, or finds reason to visit, and history repeats, or at least the bad parts do. Is feeling good real?
Heather: Hey, that’s the opening of Anna Karenina, which I don’t say to minimize how you’re feeling but to let you know it’s okay to have all those feelings; human beings have been feeling that way for, well, ever. Leo Tolstoy even immortalized it in like ten thousand words. But yes, I know lots of adults who aren’t miserable. I am, in fact, an adult who is not miserable. Life is full of disappointments and part of being an adult is this sort of sad and perpetual realization that you’ve been let down or deceived by your (often well-intentioned, but sometimes not) family. And being an adult sometimes even means growing apart from them. The more you open your eyes and the more you walk through the life and the more you challenge yourself to learn and grow, the more you’re going to see and experience how cruel and cold the world can be. But it’s not all cruel and cold. And in fact when you realize how brutal it can get it makes those moments of happiness, those people you love, those peaceful afternoons and long lazy mornings even sweeter. Because you realize they’re not a given. Feeling good is real, but it’s not always. (If you’re feeling consistently never good, it might be more than just your family circumstances. You might think of exploring the idea that depression could be contributing to your deep sadness.)

Why am I so positive about different body sizes and shapes when it comes to other people but so negative and restrictive for myself? I look at women and think they’re all beautiful, strong, amazing, etc.—but I can never get there with me. I bet somehow it’s the patriarchy’s fault. Help. :(
Laneia: HARD SAME, FRIEND. It’s a journey all day every day. Forgive yourself for being so negative and restrictive, give a cold hard glare to the fucking patriarchy because yes it is their fault, and do something you know will make you feel better in your own skin. I made a list in the back of my passion planner that’s titled Ways to Like Myself Again (the ‘again’ is key because it reminds me that sometimes I’ve really been into me, and I can be again!) and it has like, paint my nails, Jane the Virgin marathon in a very clean and tidy living room, organize closet, buy 1 piece of clothing over $50, make a pie. I also have a list titled Don’t Forget that’s just everything awesome and amazing and impressive that I’ve ever done, and I when I’m feeling especially blargh, I make myself read the whole thing out loud: “Your body gave birth to other people! Something you’ve written has legitimately made a difference to someone somewhere! You make really, really good biscuits! You were right about Gaby Hoffmann!”  You should probably make some lists for yourself.

how do you ask a cute girl that you are dating to be mutual girlfriends? bonus points for a way that involves getting her to ask the question because i don’t want to in case i mess it up somehow
Yvonne: I mean, Valentine’s Day is coming up. Maybe you can send her Valentine’s Day card with the question in it? Is that cheesy? Is that cute? If it’s sweet and simple, I think it could be cute!

Hey y’all are awesome! I just got my first binder like 4 days ago (!), and I’ve been trying really hard to make sure I don’t wear it for too long and I take breaks and whatnot, which is super hard because I really like wearing it. The problem is that I’ve been getting really bad headaches in the evenings, and I don’t know if it’s just because my sleep schedule has been slightly off this week or if it’s binding. I’m really hoping it’s not binding because that would suck a lot. Have any of you folks/ people you know experienced headaches from binding before? If so what did you do? Probably I could also wait until finals are over to figure out if it’s my sleep schedule or not, but also I’m feeling especially stressed about this, and I’d love to hear from people who have done this before.
Chloe: Hi friend, congrats on getting your first binder! I’m so happy for you! I bind semi-regularly (at least a few days out of the week) and, though I’ve never specifically gotten headaches from binding, I have dealt with a few issues. About six months after I started binding, I began to get bouts of really intense chest pain and I had no idea if they were related to wearing a binder. Long story short, it turned out to be panic attacks which were probably exacerbated by having my chest constricted in something really tight, but I didn’t even know who to ask or how serious it might be when this first started happening. The overall lack of good medical research and information regarding binding in general can be really frustrating.

I do have a few tips, beyond what it sounds like you’ve already figured out (don’t bind for longer than eight hours, take breaks, use a real binder that fits you well). The biggest tip I can give you is listen to your body, and try a lot of different options to figure out what works best for you. The headaches may or may not be caused by binding – I have no idea! – but the only way to figure it out is to do some testing. Try alternating one day binding/one day off, or pack a sports bra with you and change in the bathroom halfway through the day (I do this sometimes). Try taking a couple days off and see if the headaches go away. It’s possible your binder is too small, or that a different brand would fit you differently or better. Sometimes binding gives me back pain and I have to stop for a couple weeks, but other times I don’t have any issues. In short: do what makes you feel healthy and good, and if you feel your body needs a break, find a way to take one. Good luck!

MY THERAPIST: “The only way to stop freaking out abt intimacy to the point where you are basically a cloistered apartment weirdo is to MAKE FRIENDS and then TALK TO THEM” but HOW? HOW DO I DO THAT? I talk to people ALL. THE. TIME. but, like, telling someome what your house looks like on the inside isn’t the same as inviting them over! What is the emotional, conversation equivalent to inviting someone over?? I don’t even invite people over in a literal sense. I don’t even know what opening up looks like. I never socialize. I have two local friends and we generally don’t hang out.
Rachel: Great q! Also perpetually working on this! Loving solidarity w you! The cheesy self-help book I hate that my therapist is making me read says that you start by saying small things about your feelings to “safe, supportive people in your life” for practice, and then you expand from there. I know, sounds fake to me too. Let’s both try to do our best and we’ll meet back here and compare?

Help! Two of my communities IRL have clashed online in a horrific way! LGBT stuff came up in a niche parenting closed group and the owner of that group (white cis probably hetero) decided to continue the conversation in a new public group. It’s set up as a ‘rational discussion’ under the guise of ‘parents being fully informed so they can make the best choices for their kids’. The trouble is, most of it is based on ignorance and misrepresentation, with some commenters being outright hateful and phobic. I find myself stuck between a) wanting to wade in to counteract and protect (while trying desperately to remain calm lest I fall into the trap of “See? You can’t reason with these people!”), and b) seeing it for what it is- a small (only 133 in group!) online storm in a teacup, which I will make larger just by joining and participating (and possibly hurting a wider amount of people as the algorithms push it higher up in the search results, not to mention it triggering my friends via their feeds. I feel so frustrated at how effectively silenced I am and I feel a duty to stand up to these bullies. But I’m at a loss as to if this is a battle I should actually fight, and whether it would do more harm than good? It seems that if I fight it or not, the group facilitator (who I strongly suspect is a narcissist) still wins, as they have all the power. Feeling bewildered and confused…
Riese: Well, you’ve come to the wrong place because my position on these things is that mostly, nothing good ever comes out of a Facebook argument and it will only serve to stress you out. It is a tempest in a teacup. And bullies will always be the loudest people in a fight. Idk it feels like espousing your dogma on facebook is very 2016.

That feeling you describe feeling is one we feel almost every day. Wanting to defend ourselves or the people we care about, but not knowing if that’s really best for our mental health or even the argument. Sometimes it just feels like the best thing to do is hold our breaths and wait for it to pass, and it always does pass. Recently I was told about people on Facebook saying shit about A-Camp that was a little bit inflammatory and a little bit straight-up false, but I got that feeling of tension and anger inside me when I thought about letting that convo derail my whole day, and knew I just had to not go see it for myself, let alone involve myself. Sure, every now and then you do accomplish something, but is it better than what you would’ve been doing with your time otherwise? You should stand up for people whenever you can — but I don’t think that obligation has to extend to Facebook, which can be a really toxic space for people and none of us are obligated to participate in it.

Nobody has ever said to me “wow, I’m so glad I spent the day arguing on Facebook.”

I think you could just leave the group, though, and say, things that were said and how the convo happened on this LGBT issue was upsetting to me so I’ve decided to peace out, bye. So you can make your point and not have to stick around to let it ruin your day. Like this:

My girlfriend is moving back to Asia and I am staying in New York. We already agreed not to do the long distance thing, as she has no plans to return and I have no plans to leave. I’m full to the brim with sadness and needed to share it with somebody. Any words of wisdom would be greatly welcome.
Yvonne: God, this is heartbreaking. I’m sorry, friend. It’s very mature of y’all to agree to not do long distance instead of jumping into the long distance thing and letting the relationship slowly die and prolonging the heartbreak. I’m not sure I have any words of wisdom but here’s some of Riese’s words of wisdom on break-ups.

Hi there! I just realized that my lack of emoji-use feels unfriendly to some. As in a friend posted on facebook that if people don’t reply to her text emojis with more emojis she thinks they don’t like her. (Did she post that just for me?) But here’s my question. I’m 41, I don’t get emojis. Do I use one or many? What if my interpretation of winky face is different than someone else’s interpretation? I need an emoji introduction course I guess. Or can I get away with not using them. I have stopped using periods at the end of texts so I can learn some new tricks.
Heather: Listen, you are not too old to learn emojis. First of all, read this. It’ll make you laugh. I didn’t know how to use emojis for a long time and now I just try to copy Laneia as best as I can in Slack and that seems to be working just fine. Also recently, even though I am 39, I decided to teach myself Instagram stories, which was VERY intimidating but all it took was a little practice and now I can even change the filter on my videos and I know how to add a penguin in a scarf to them. (It’s just a sticker, not a real penguin.) In the wise words of Carol Aird: Use what feels good, throw away the rest.

Rachel: For me the best way to conceptualize emoji is: you know how people are always saying “it’s hard to interpret tone over text” or whatever? Emoji are how you add that back in. So if your friend is like “so sorry, i’m running late for our plans” and you’re typing back “it’s fine” but you want to be clear that you mean it’s ACTUALLY fine and not “….it’s fine,” maybe you add in a thumbs up or a smiling cat or something. Or if you want to say “sorry you’re having such a rough day” but try to somehow transmit your genuine affection through the screen, you get “sorry you’re having such a rough day <3.” Start from there, and soon enough you’ll be where I’m at in life — this week I told Sarah “I want these graphics to feel like the upside down smiley face emoji.”

how do you handle having feelings for someone you met online and have never seen in person
Heather: In my case I asked to meet her in person, dated her long distance, moved in with her, and have now been with her for seven years.

Riese: Tentatively I think, yes, you let yourself feel things but you remind yourself often and regularly that you might not feel those things in person so try to rein it in a little bit. I talk about that here in—> Falling in Love in One (Digital) Dimension. Meet as soon as possible!

I’ve just been told I need to use Retinol on my face? But there’s an adjustment period? And I have very sensitive skin? And there are many many products to choose from? HELP!!!
Rachel: GOD every time anyone asks a skincare question in this post I cannot even TELL you how thrilled I am. Ok, first of all, who told you this? Is it someone you have reason to take seriously? If this was like a rando at the bus stop, you probably do not “need” to use Retinol. You don’t “need” to listen to this unless maybe the person telling you was a medical professional, in which case I imagine they have recs for you. If you DO want to start using a Retinol-based product for whatever reason (they can help with acne and with signs of aging and skin appearance in general, but you’re right that they can be harsh on your skin), what you want to look for is probably (if your doctor hasn’t told you you should use a prescription product) an over-the-counter product with a low amount of retinol, like 1 or 2%. There are a lot of these at the drugstore now; the only one I think I’ve used personally was the ROC night cream that you can get at most drugstores, and I liked it (although it does have a strong floral scent :( ). Deciem’s The Ordinary brand has a few options for Retinol and Retinoid products that are affordable and the brand in general is great; I know they have one where Retinol is combined with squalane (a great facial oil, esp for dry skin) that might help mitigate some of the Retinol’s harshness. Their website is also really informative, so it can probably tell you more than I can about how Retinol works even if you don’t wanna buy from them. The one thing I will insist on is that if you start using a Retinol product a) test it for a week or so on a small patch of skin to see how your skin reacts, especially since it’s sensitive, before slathering it all over your whole face and b) if you use it, you really need to also use a sunscreen during the day! Retinol makes your skin more sensitive to sun and sun damage and you don’t want to undo all the work you’re doing by hurting your beautiful face with UV rays. Ok that was probably more than you wanted to know byeeeee!

I’m a teacher and really struggle with anxiety at work. I can’t open my professional inbox without screaming to myself at the same time. I constantly feel like I’ll never manage everything and I’ve disappointed my students, even when classes go decently and I get positive feedback. I want to change careers (for several reasons), but I also feel like I need to admit that that can’t solve everything, the anxiety could well manifest itself even if I am in a different work environment. Any advice? Besides therapy because unfortunately for geographic AND financial reasons I just can’t right now. Waah waah. :p
Yvonne: One thing that has worked for my anxiety is making sure I write down three things I’m grateful for at the end of the day. I know it sounds like this is useless but overtime it really helps me put things in perspective and reminds me of the positive little things in life and that everything will be ok. Maybe that’s something small that can help you?

It seems like there’s a root issue with opening your professional inbox. Why do you hate opening it? Is it the actual contents of emails or is it the act of checking your email and being overwhelmed? If it’s the latter, there’s tons of articles out there to help you tackle this issue, hopefully one of these helps.

three different exes have told me that they still have feelings for me and/or want me back in the space of two weeks and I am FEELING MYSELF. it’s so nice to have this affirmation! Its nice to know they are all lying around and thinking about me!!! (I also have met someone new in the last couple of weeks and had amazing sex with her so really everything in lesbian land is just peachy for once). I love being alive and gay and hot!!! But also I’m baffled as to why this is happening and what I should do with this information and how much of the past is healthy in the present…?!
Riese: I think it’s okay to just bask in the glory of your exes wanting you back, especially in the year of our lesbian Jesus two thousand and eighteen. This is happening because you are gay and alive and hot and for some damn reason when it rains, it pours. Write down this feeling and revel in it and remind yourself to remember it for the next drought, because life is full of ups and downs. You’re in an up, so LIVE YOUR UP!

Thank you for answering not one but two of my inbox messages! And a shout out to Chloe who fixed a mess that I alone created with ny subscription :) happy holidays xxx

MISC

I think Mommi should be the Autostraddle word of the year for 2017. “On the nose” could win for expression of the year. Rookie of the year would be split so many ways, tons of great additions to the roster this year.
Laneia: I agree with you, kind genius! All I’ve ever wanted for AS, besides a teen correspondent and 7 billion dollars, is an annual superlative award situation.

Hi! Did you guys see this podcast featuring Samantha Ronson. She talks about coming to terms with her sexual identity through the decades, religion, and of course, dating Lindsay Lohan. It is really interesting even without knowing who Samantha Ronson is or caring. 
Heather: Interesting! I’ll give it a listen! (Goodness this sure was a very specific time in queer history, huh?)

Hi there For some reason I decided that it must be autostraddle’s 10th birthday soon (it’s not. I am prematurely aging you) so I looked on the “about us” page. Under the header “Our Mission” the second paragraph cuts off. I think it’s a paragraph that’s repeated later on anyway, so you could potentially just delete it. Keep up the good fight. Rose
Riese: OOPS THANK YOU

How come the show Murphy Brown forgotten?
Heather: It is absolutely not and never will be!

Laneia: Murphy Brown and Designing Women MADE ME.

I HAVE TWO COMMENTS 1) would it be possible to have more UK/European content at all? 2) do you guys get an uptick in messages after you post the answers because I am 90% sure that is the only time I ever send anything in
Yvonne: 1) We do our best to post UK/European content! It’s best if we have writers on the ground of the country they’re writing about and we do have a few writers from the UK. It also just depends on pitches we receive and if they’re a right fit for us! 2) As the person who compiles all these comments in this very document, yes there is an uptick in messages after the SATSQ post is published.

Heather Hogan is a saint. If you told me that she cycled on water and turned water into craft beer I would probably believe you.
Yvonne: Yes, this is all true. Heather is a saint and does exactly that every single day.

gfexperience tho!!
Riese: See now two of you have mentioned this and nothing motivates me to write a post about how bad something is than people telling me how good it is. Bless you and your ambition, anonymous human!

I hate dating apps and bars, does this mean i will be single forever?
Heather: Absolutely not! There are ten billion ways to meet other queer humans! Come to camp! Chat with ’em about TV on Twitter! Host a meet-up in your city focusing on the activities you enjoy!

I was randomly craving honey and decided maybe I should find a better way to eat it than just by the spoonful so I googled ‘ways to eat honey’ and I was not expecting an AS article to be the third google result. Is that just because google algorithms know me or does everyone who googles that see AS??
Heather: Oh wow, we’re the top Google result now. How perfect and amazing. Thank you for sharing this victory with us.

The movie of “The Miseducation of Cameron Post” is showing at Sundance this year!!! I am very excited because this is my favorite book ever (which is saying something) but I also can’t help notice that “Love, Simon” (based on the book “Simon vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda”) is about gay boys and is getting a mainstream major picture film release and Cam Post is…. not? Just, you know, an observation. #ThePatriarchy 
Heather: Very often studios like to see how indie films do on the festival circuit before they commit to a type of distribution and release. I have high high hopes for this one. Chloë Grace Moretz! Come on!

Australia passed marriage equality! It’s been a long and awful process, but we are finally there!
Heather: HURRAH!!!

Is “Star Trek:The Motion Picture” all about vaginas?
Riese: well, some would indeed consider it the final frontier

Thank you Autostraddle! On Friday I broke a molar, and the first thing that came to mind was a photo from your “Lesbian kink according to Shutterstock” series, with one model looking into another’s mouth and your caption was “Yeah, you should definitely get that molar checked out.” You had me laughing even as I cursed and phoned the dentist.
Yvonne: Yup, this was a good laugh! Thanks for the reminder of this list.

Can we please have an Erin-penned “Are Straight Women Okay” analysis of “Cat Person”? Because I feel like every straight woman on the internet is talking about how relatable it was, and as a woman who has not been on date with a dude in more

Rachel: That three-day period was a lot, wasn’t it? Also it already feels like it happened twenty years ago! What a neat time for all of us.

who is your celebrity lgbtq+ crush?
Heather: Jen Richards

Rachel: Stephanie Beatriz! Also Sara Ramirez.

Riese: Roberta Colindrez

Yvonne: Gina Rodriguez. (She doesn’t really count but STILL, she’s like my only celebrity crush.)

Laneia: Jodi Foster

How do I make myself believe that 2018 can be better than 2017? I don’t think I can tolerate another year where “ok, I guess I managed to not try to kill myself” is the biggest accomplishment I can think of.
Riese: I mean, that was my biggest accomplishment of 2017. But I think there’s a lot to be hopeful about on the macro level in a way there wasn’t in 2017. We’ve seen the legal system in this country often override our idiotic president. Our collective rage at 2017’s relentless horror-show has built to a point where some changes are actually occurring. Some unheard voices are being heard. People who’ve never done activism before are taking baby steps into that arena. More women are running for office. Roy Moore lost in Alabama. Hollywood studios are replacing men with women. Black Lightning was The CW’s highest rated original series premiere in two years! All around me, I see individuals trying to crawl out of this 2017 sinkhole on their elbows, their feet dragging behind them, but making it out just the same: joining a gym, eating better, getting sober, getting involved, moving, switching jobs, doing whatever is within their control to change for the better because so much is out of our control. Last year at the GLAAD Awards, Kristin and I asked all the guests on the red carpet what gives them hope in this terrible era of Trump and Alexandra Billings said that the Trump administration gave her hope. Specifically, she said, “We are seeing a polarizing of the American ideal, and if we are able to create that, we are able to create its opposite. And we did.” I was skeptical at the time. I didn’t understand it. But I do now.

So, Heather, how did you like Taylor Swift’s new album?
Heather: I didn’t listen to it, I’m sorry. I tried the first song but it made me kinda mad and I don’t like to engage with anyone’s art when I’m not feeling generous toward them/it. :(

Have any of you watched Deidra & Laney Rob a Train? It’s not explicitly queer, but it’s about two sisters robbing trains to bail their mom out of jail. It feels important to me, like the premise is on really real hard stuff like kids needing to bail their mom out of jail in the first place, but in this movie the counselor and the local police person are on the sisters’ side and the sisters win and it feels great!
Laneia: I have not but damn this sounds like a good time!

Straddlers are the best people
Heather: Correct.

I’m half asleep, drinking coffee as fast as I can, and was quite confused to realize that new comments are on top now!? I’m kinda digging it! but what a change for my half asleep brain to adjust to. Always keeping me on my toes, love you!
Riese: I… don’t think this is true. Is this … true? I don’t think it’s true. Is my computer different than other people’s computers. Maybe I need more coffee

Are you still doing the A+ inbox live podcasts? It’s my absolute favourite part of being an A+ member! Love hearing all your voices! Also thank you for everything you do. You guys are amazing. x
Laneia: Aaaaaaaah! The question that haunts me in the dead of night. I’m not sure we’re podcasting people, to be honest? Or like, maybe we are but the exact way in which that’s true hasn’t revealed itself to me yet. What we really truly need is an editor/producer who loves Autostraddle and the community as much as we do, has free time, can work for peanuts (I’m so sorry), is literally self-motivated, is super weird like us, and wants to come to A-Camp for live tapings. That’s my take on this. So like, what we need is a miracle and a time-turner.

Riese: Yeah, like did you guys like the A+ podcasts or were you like SHUT UP ALREADY, j/w

I want that ? divider graphic from the new year thread as washi tape! So cool.
Heather: Sarah Sarwar is a magician!

Cable girl show queer character update: there are queer characters, they are in a relationship, one is possibly a trans man (def having gender feels) but being set in Spain in the late 20s, there are some unpleasant scenes and I’d say the representation of trans people and polyam relationships is kind of sensationalized and not very humanizing. Wish it was as good as the intitial inklings seemed to be going
Heather: Thank you for this update!

Autostraddle has taught me so much, I can honestly say it made me a better person. Thank you very much.

So. I’ve decided to start watching Riverdale. And honestly the most convincing factor was people outrageous opinions against the jughead post. Like sorry, do you not know fun? Humor? Jokes? Ok…. But anyway all that made me want to watch it, just for the halibut…..
Riese: I’m so glad that the internet’s collective decision to become batshit monsters has inspired you to tune in to Riverdale, because Kayla makes a lot of important Riverdale jokes and we should all be prepared to show up for them as fully as we possibly can.

What if you did a Lesbian Ken March Madness bracket? We could all vote on our favorites and crown a Queen Lesbian Ken to rule them all!
Laneia: Ugh love a good bracket.

An app that takes your twitter feed and filters literally all of the men out of it.
Yvonne: I want it NOW

Laneia: Volunteering for beta testing.

First, can I just say that I’m totally on board with Mommi as a concept/aesthetic. My girlfriend is as well and frequently likes to ask me if an outfit she’s put together looks Mommi. Sometimes when we are shopping together we like to point out things that are particularly Mommi, just for the fun of it. All of this leads me, sort of, to my actual point: I think we need a Daddi aesthetic. I feel like Daddi is less tough than butch and less dapper than a lot of Masc of Center fashion. I think it’s got an air of slightly goofy/irreverent casual flair with an undercurrent of solidity and dependability. Honestly I haven’t really figured out exactly what Daddi is, but I think it should be a thing (and I think it’s a thing I want to be?) and I wanted y’all to know.
Laneia: I love everything about this!

Can anyone explain to me why Netflix keeps trying to make me watch a show about a homicidal teenage boy who wants to kill a teenage girl he’s traveling with? Am I misunderstanding the premise of the show? Like…how could that show possibly get the green light???? “The End of the F***ing World” is REALLY advertising everywhere and I’m like…just…WHY?
Riese: WELL my friend have I got a special treat for you: THERE’S A BLACK BUTCH LESBIAN CHARACTER IN IT!!!!!!! I don’t know if Netflix knows that or knows that you would want to see that on screen (but like, also, who doesn’t??), but just a little hot tip from me to you. Here I thought about this so much that I wrote about this instead.

the hottest tip — kl polish’s “Ace” is THE cheryl blossom red nail polish i needed in my life, and maybe it is for y’all too.
Laneia: ? ? ? ?

What’s a good name for a queer penguin? I’m drawing a comic for a class there is a queer character and also she is a penguin. Also did you know that penguins demonstrate that they are a good penguin to date by giving their suitors really nice stones they found?
Yvonne: My top pick is Charlie. That’s so cute about the stones!

Laneia: Jodi Foster

A.E. are you still watching Critical Role and if so what do you think about Bearigard and/or Yasha in the new campaign? both have some gay vibes yes/yes?
A.E.: Hells fucking yes I am still watching Critical Role, I watch it live Every Single Week. Yes, Beau is certainly gay for Yasha, also errbody gettin’ queer around here and I’m all for it. RPGs can educate straight people (and, honestly, all people) about this stuff in a lower-stakes way and in a way that doesn’t make us all want to self-defenestrate.

THANK YOU for your plethora of The L Word posts over the past forever. Finally, at 25, I’m getting around to watching the show. I don’t really have people IRL to talk the show with, so your posts have been great to look back on! I’m only near the end of season 2 so I know there’s a lot more shit to come, but I’ve spoiled a lot of major stuff for myself by reading too much… I’m aware of some of the problematic-ness of the show, but as a whole, I’m so glad I’m finally watching it! Shane just walked up to Carmen at Pride and told her about her dog and her brother and her mom and I don’t think any moment leading up to that moment has given me more feels. Can I get general opinion on whether or not I should watch season 6 when I get there?
Riese: My friend, my friend! Firstly, I’m so glad we all know about the hamster. Secondly, there is a complete guide to watching The L Word for the first time hidden inside this post (probs I should un-hide it, for SEO), in which I inform you that we should pretend like it never happened. That being said, I think there are some really solid good parts in episode 603 and episode 607. Do not watch the finale, nobody deserves that. We will never not be the internet’s #1 source of L Word adjacent content.

I feel like Autostraddle needs more dog people. Or at least more dogs in general. Dogs (and those that love them) are underrepresented in this sea of feline love.
Riese: I’m gonna get a tiny dog so soon! But I agree, because I hate cats.

Yvonne: I’m a total dog person and don’t like cats! Here’s my dog, Tungi. He’ll be 5 years old in a few days! Also check out his hashtag on insta! #tungipups

I know you just covered Demi’s Who’d You Rather on Ellen but have you seen Saoirse Ronan’s because it is also some form of Very Not Heterosexual
Laneia: Well that’s my favorite form of anything and I love Saoirse Ronan!

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Really Nice Things You Told Us

Heather’s Roomba video is truly the source of comfort it aims to be. I’ve seen it multiple times and it is like a cuddle from a cat who only takes instructions from queer people.
Heather: THANK YOU! I did get that thing together, by the way!

I am not jumping into this astrology comic thread. But the comic is rad and I will never know how y’all haven’t just quit already. What even. THANK YOU
Yvonne: Yes, sometimes working here is A LOT. But it’s usually fun and amazing and pretty cool.

Riese: I’ve never been into astrology and had no idea being in or not into astrology was such a contentious topic. What a world.

Baopu!!!!! Is amazing. Thank you for supporting so many amazing artists AS!
Laneia: It’s so good!!

just a heads up that the friendsgiving challenge content was AMAZING loved it so much never wanted it to end
Heather: Laneia worked so so hard on that and I absolutely agree!

Laneia: CAT CORA, YOU GUYS. Like netting the lesbian chef tuna.

It’s cold and I’m bored of being unemployed and broke BUT this week my scissoring t shirt and my Angry Lesbian pin came and I’m SO DAMN HAPPY about it that I haven’t stopped wearing them!! Along with my “Not Your Baby” t shirt and my “Rebel Girl” and “Strong Female Character” sweatshirts they really go with my brand which is basically “if I don’t know you don’t talk to me especially if you’re a man”. Anyway, thanks for having amazing merch and for being amazing in general, and I want to remind you all to get up and stretch your legs and drink a glass of water. And to send y’all a virtual hug xx
Rachel: Thank YOU! I hope you get your wish of no men talking to you, forever and ever amen!

If I ever meet Laneia in person at A-Camp or idk on the street I’m probably going to burst out crying and blubbering with how much her articles have meant to me, just a head’s up and also apologies in advance
Laneia: I will be sure to keep some tissues on my person at all times in anticipation of meeting you in person and also crying!

Today I was introduced by my senior to a graduate of my program as “this is my intern, [name], she reads Autostraddle”. And then we all hugged and drank wine and took a cute pic. So thanks for being a rallying point for generations of trainees :)
Heather: That’s dang adorable! I hope that wine was delicious and that you and your new pals have the happiest new year!

Riese: Ugh I LOVE THIS

I just love you all so much thank you for being amazing.
Laneia: Thank you!!!!!!!

Dear Senior Editors, I love you and appreciate your work today, and also every day. You are the superheroes we need. Riese’s breakfast foods comic is my favorite thing today.
Riese: thank you for appreciating my hard work and artistic talents!!

Hello you most glorious humans, you. Do you know how amazing you and the work you do are? Since ’tis the season to share and all, I thought to myself “What if one of these fine folks at AS really needed some pulp fictiony Victorian lesbians in their day? What if??”  Disclaimer: Your mileage may vary and quality definitely not assured. Love you all! <3. Thank you for your fine work!!
Rachel: I want to take your hand in mine as I whisper “thank you”

BREAKING NEWS: I LOVE YOU GUYS
Heather: BREAKING NEWS BACK: WE LOVE YOU

Laneia: Uh oh, this just in: SAME

Happy birthday to the most wonderful Heather Hogan a truly majestic human being
Heather: Thank you! I had a really lovely, quiet, perfect day!

Without net neutrality, I’m worried about Autostraddle the most, but I will do everything I can to support you!! If loading times become glacier like I will still read and comment, I will still be here.
Rachel: This is honestly extremely affirming, thank you so much, I wish every good thing for you

Happy whatever it is that you believe in, team Autostraddle
Heather: And to you, friend!

Laneia:

Thanks for being the most awesomist of all time. I was doing my monthly passion planner reflection (1st one!) and I am less depressed and more confident thanks to things I learned from yall :)
Heather: My Passion Planner changed my life in 2017! I wish you the very best luck with it in the coming year!

Props to Cee and all involved in the killer new staff bio section :)
Laneia: WOOHOOOO ?

I LOVE THE MONDAY ROUNDTABLES SO MUCH! they seriously have made such a positive impact on me in so many ways and your bravery in sharing your personal stories is, as always, inspiring–keep up the amazing work <3
Laneia: It was for real one of the better ideas we’ve had in the past six months.