Questions from the A+ Inbox were taking up such an enormous portion of the A+ Insider that we’ve decided to dedicate an entire post to answering them every month instead! We think this will be a lot of fun for everybody in the whole family. We have included as many as we can. We love you, your hair looks fantastic today!

A-CAMP, MERCH, BUSINESS AND TECHNICAL CONCERNS

Have y’all thought about making t-shirts for parents of queer folks? I’d love to get my mom one, but there isn’t a great selection from queer-owned businesses.
Riese: Would you say your mom identifies as a “Mommi” or not because if yes, then we will have some very good news for you in the future. If no, what kind of shirt do you think your Mom would like.

I just wanted to let y’all know I wore all my autostraddle shirts/crop tops all Pride weekend and got a lot of compliments on them! HAPPY PRIDE!
Riese: IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU, MY FRIEND, HAD THE HAPPIEST PRIDE OF ALL!

I’ve been catching up on my a+ content and I wanted to update you that I didn’t wear my scissoring shirt to pride I wore the gender traitor shirt and it was a big hit. Also you all are amazing, much love.
Rachel: Of course it was! You’re amazing! Happy Pride!

you know what would be fun? Autostraddle convention in Las Vegas. Like a mini a-camp but without the camp part
Riese: I went to this lesbian event called “Shedonism” in Las Vegas once, and it was during Pride, which involved a bunch of booths on an asphalt lot, like Warped Tour or something, and it was, I believe, 155 degrees outside, if not hotter. The asphalt lot absorbed this heat and then radiated the heat onto us, starting with our feet and then taking over our bodies. We became one with the air and with Las Vegas, generally speaking. Then we went to a party hosted by some random cast members from The Real L Word, because we had to not because we wanted to, and that chef who dated Francine for two minutes told one of my friends to get out of the VIP area, which was a bummer, ’cause there was nowhere else to stand. Also, during the day, there was a celesbian poker tournament. I went to it and sat on a chair behind Meredith Baxter:

Is that the kind of thing you’re talking about? Also, full disclosure, my then-girlfriend and I were staying at our friend’s house and I remember we got super wasted and had sort of unsuccessful sex and the sheets were really raw like sandpaper so I ended up wrapping my pillow in a t-shirt and putting towels underneath me on the bed so I could sleep, but I still barely slept.

Hi AS-team, I wanted to let you know that I just upgraded my account from cobalt to silver! Because: (1) I am about to get my first real paycheck (2) the work you do is deeply important (3) I know it’s never been financially easy for AS, but I’ve noticed many columns coming to an end recently…I’m hopeful that this is a purposeful redirection, but I’m also more worried than usual about your continued existence! What’s the highest-impact way to help — donating vs buying merch vs affiliate links, etc? Can I click on an ad a billion times for you?? <3
Laneia: Thank you for moving up to silver!! And congrats on the first real paycheck. Just in response to the columns coming to an end — that wasn’t based on finances as much the fact that those columns had reached their natural end and/or the writers were ready to move on to fresh new ideas and needed more freedom than a biweekly column was affording them. We’re excited to see what else these wild weirdos will be coming up with!

Just a heads up, whenever I leave autostraddle and come back I’m signed out, even though I click the box to stay signed in. This happens on my pc and on my tablet.
Cee: When you check the box, the site will remember you for 14 days using a cookie to do so. If it’s not doing that, perhaps the browser isn’t being allowed to save the cookie, like the settings for cookies are disabled, or there’s a browser security extension that’s set to block cookies.

You are strong and amazing. Also, the “See entire article on one page” would be great at the top of the page, no?
Laneia: Are saying, instead of at the bottom of the page?

When we will get the bisexuality zine we made at lunch at A-Camp?
Rachel: Hello I literally have it right next to me! It’s 90% done, I have to make a cover for it and finish scanning it. I’m sorry it’s been so long but it’s coming this week I think!

but how does affiliate shopping work? if I search for something using your link and leave it in my cart for several weeks will amazon remember to give you $?
Riese: Yes, I believe that they will.

Y’all, I have quite literally skulked in the comments since 2012, trying to foster enough #queerconfidence to announce my Autostraddle presence in the comments section. So with five years of creeping under my belt, now just feels like the right time to confess to you that thanks to the Practical Magic ™ of Riese’s cool chick snark, Heather Hogan’s Unabashed Earnestness™ and Erin’s “I truly don’t know what the f*ck to make of you” dasein, I became a fully-actualized human woman queer, with a girl friend of five years and all (a beautiful Arkansas AmeriCorps love story I feel outsized smugness about). So thank you! (Also, as I am literally typing in the comments section in real time, I am realizing that this message will 100% be sent to you via A+ Inbox and not comments section because we all know G*d works in mysterious ways and sometimes all of your confidence immediately vanishes!)

ALL-CONSUMING NEEDS TO SHARE

There were massive layoffs at work. Trump is president. 2017 is the worst.
Yvonne: Ugh I’m so sorry! I hope you still have your job and will continue to have it as long as you need/want it.

my city elected a very conservative and religious mayor and he canceled the permit for our pride parade for alleged bureaucratic reasons and there’s nothing else going on for pride other than the parade and I’m just very upset about it all and needed to vent with you guys. ):
Laneia: Damn that’s terrible about your Pride celebration! I’m sorry. You should get some ice cream this weekend and find a furry animal to pet.

I finally became an A+ member about a week ago, so I’ve been reading through the archives, which of course has been a goshdarn delight! It has, however, brought one important issue to my attention: the vodka water controversy. I finally tried it this weekend, and it tasted clean and sad, like surgery, BUT Mey was right — I felt great the next morning. Anyway, you’re all doing amazing and hilarious and life-affirming work, and I am so glad I joined A+ (even though it led to me drinking literal vodka water), because I’m pumped about being able to play some small role in supporting Autostraddle. Thank you.
Mey: You, reader, are my favorite person today. Thank you, thank you for being brave, than you for finding the perfect way to describe it’s taste. And thank you for affirming me and making me feel as great as a post-vodka-water morning.

Look at this photo, you guys. It’s been almost 10 years since I impulse bought a quad of lesbian romcoms and I can’t even think of four new ones to buy for the anniversary!
Riese: Isn’t it neat that STILL after all this time nobody has made a better lesbian romcom than But I’m a Cheerleader? I was gonna tell you to buy Carol and Bessie and Freeheld and Pariah but then I realized those are dramas. Then I was gonna tell you to buy Suicide Kale, but it’s not out on DVD. Then there are some cute rom-coms with lesbian/bi characters, like Grandma and Life Partners and Dope,  There’s The Kids Are All Right, but I mean, your mileage may vary. Appropriate Behavior is a good one. Hm.

One of the things that I struggled with when I first came out in college was how I felt about guys. I knew I was attracted to women, but I didn’t really know how I felt about guys, and I struggled with what would happened if I came out and did fall in love with a guy. While that didn’t stop me from coming out, it was something I struggled with regarding labeling myself. I always considered myself 85/15 in my ratio of female to male attraction, and never felt the label of bi fit my experience. This weekend I realized that homoflexible encompasses my feelings and even though I probably am not going to shout it off the roof, it is really comforting to be able to put a term to something I have always had difficulty explaining. I just wanted to share that with someone. Thanks!
Rachel: I’m so happy for you bb! Congrats!

Hello A Team! I just did a big scary thing and finally launched my very own blog on the internet! I’m so terrified and so excited and feeling all of the feelings including pride and self-doubt all at once! This website is such a lifeline for me I just had to share this big life event, especially with the people who craft Internet voices that have made my own Internet voice feel possible. My blog is envirofemme.com and I’m going to get into a lot of gay feelings. Okay, I just had to announce a thing that I did! I hope this is not self-congratulatory. Thank you for everything you do for me and making content creation feel accessible and possible!
Yvonne: That’s so exciting! I hope you have a lot of fun and write what you love writing about the most!

HAVE YOU WRITTEN ABOUT THIS / I NEED INFORMATION

More coverage of Nova from Queen Sugar!!!!!!
Heather: OKAY!

Have you guys seen You Me Her on netflix? I got sucked in by thingmy from Grey’s and have watched three eps and almost constantly have thought i’d really like to read what someone from AS thinks about this! I don’t know how I feel about it tbh, mostly cause there has been a whooooole bunch of talking about bisexuality without anyone saying bi. (although i did fast forward through a lot of the man’s dialogue because cba so he could have said it). I can’t decide if I like the way that two bi women is being depicted in a mostly chill way and with seemingly equal weight to the straight equivalent bits but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s not going to end well for the bi women slash is going to be very disappointing. Also the whole bi woman as plaything for married couple is… hmm. Basically hoping that someone has watched it and is going to do a recap that will tell me if it’s worth my time to keep watching and help me figure out how i feel about it! Equally, pls feel free to say fuck no and don’t do a post, it’s very probably not worth *your* eye time either! Thank youuu xoxo
Rachel: I hadn’t heard about this at all! Everything you’re saying here makes me feel a little like the grimace emoji but maybe someone will check it out!

Riese: I have heard about this but have not seen it because it’s only available on Canada Netflix! I think in the US it’s part of some kind of cable package, if I recall correctly?

could one of the monthly galleries be queer and your pet? as in you take a pic with your dog/ cat/ fish, etc.
Laneia: Yes! This is on the list! Have you sent me a picture of you on vacation yet?? THERE’S STILL TIME.

Ali, please can we have an iced coffee cocktail for summer, pleeeaaase? I have tried before and I failed so badly but you’re the pro, so I would trust you. Thanks! Love you all, bye x
Yvonne: I asked Ali about this and she’s working on it. She said “Maybe something that tastes like an almond joy with some rum and coconut milk, hmmmm.” And I was like !!!!!!

would love a what-to-wear to your straight cousin’s wedding for non-binary/ andro-leaning femmes
Laneia: When is the wedding!!?

Hot tip: recommend that someone at AS (esp of color) read and review Emergent Strategy by adrienne maree brown. It addresses so much of the pain we’re feeling in social justice spaces really lovingly and with helpful, concrete ways to nurture our relationships and build the world we need. brown is a queer woman of color and works with BOLD (Black Organizing for Leadership and Dignity). its $12 for an online copy, $15 for hard copy.
Yvonne: Oh yeah, Neesha talked about the book in their recap of the Allied Media Conference. It sounds really interesting and relevant to our lives! I’ll see what we can do.

ayyy some cool people to profile would be chef couple niki nakayama and carole iida-nakayama. that is my hot suggestion. hope you are well
Laneia: Niki Nakayama’s episode of Chef’s Table is one of my FAVORITES. I think you’re right, they should be profiled.

I just finished watching The Death and Life of Marsha P. Johnson and I wanted to thank you all so much for all the work you do. Writing about LGBT history and reporting on the Trans lifes lost and maintaining the movement alive. We need Autostraddle and places like this so much. I’m now in a room filled with middle aged queer women about to watch Desert Hearts, and I feel so appreciative of all the history of the community, but the need to make our communities better, and to put focus on those that need it the most! Sorry about my ramble, I love you all!

I NEED ADVICE

Classic I’m falling for my best friend problem here. For months I’ve been trying to ignore my feelings cause like it would never work and I’m moving in like a month and half. But the last few weeks she’s maybe been casually flirting with me (“It’s a date!”/screenshotting my selfies on snapchat/ saying “just like you” after I describe a thing in a positive way like beautiful/good/great/etc., cute sticking her tongue out at me and like nudging my leg with her foot). SO???? I’m confused and like maybe I don’t need to ignore my feelings but I don’t know what her feelings are. and I’m scared to start that conversation cause last time I thought a friend was flirting with me it was a DISASTER!!! and I think this person could be a friend for life ya know?
Rachel: I mean listen, none of us ever know what we’re doing, and maybe your best friend doesn’t even know either! But I have this feeling like maybe the same reason you decided not to make a move — because you’re moving in a month and a half — is possibly why she’s flirting? Either because she knows she’s going to miss you, or because she feels like it’s now or never, or because she was worried about ruining your friendship and she feels like if you’re moving anyway maybe the stakes are different. This doesn’t really answer your question about what to say to her! I mean I guess the good news is if you do start the conversation and it’s a disaster then you’re moving and so you’ll have a LOT of space to give each other to bounce back from it. Maybe if she’s going to be a friend for life then your lifelong friendship can withstand a confusing conversation! Or maybe you’ll decide it’s not worth it to unearth all this, at least not right now. I support whatever choice you make!

Hello! I have questions about sexytimes. Specifically, how to recover from unwanted/unhealthy/bad sexual experiences and start having wanted/healthy/good ones! So in my teens I racked up quite a few of unwanted sexual experiences, all with men–none of them physically violent, but what do you know they still managed to fuck me up! Then in college I was in a two-and-a-half year relationship with a dude human that was good in some ways but got to an AWFUL place sexually. Like, I didn’t want to have sex with him, but I did because I felt guilty for not wanting to, and he didn’t seem to care that much whether I actually liked it, which resulted in sex becoming an alienating, uncomfortable and occasionally painful chore. For more than a year. Anyway, then we broke up and I was able to come out as a Lady who likes Other Ladies. I thought if I had sex with women, everything would be great and perfect! And I am definitely more attracted to womynfolk, and it’s not as much of a minefield as sleeping with men (I tried that and hello post-coital panic attacks), but stuff from my past is still really affecting me. Among other things, I have SO MUCH trouble saying words. Every sex guide I read is like “Communicate! Ask questions! Ask for things you like!” and I’m like “Cool, good idea,” and then I’m having sex and I can feel words in my throat like “do you like this” or “can you do this” or even “I’m not really feeling this, can we stop” and it feels like I physically cannot make my mouth say them. And sometimes if someone asks me something like “do you like that,” I get confused for a second, because my brain goes “Why would you ask that, this isn’t for me.“ :( Sorry this is long! Basically I do not want to let my past experiences and anxiety prevent me from having a happy safe queer sex life, and was wondering if you have some tips or strategies on how to make that happen. Love you all so much x

Carolyn: You know the phrase “every time you have sex with someone, you’re also having sex with everyone they’ve ever had sex with”? It’s one of those things thrown around usually in safer sex conversations. But there’s a flip: every time you have sex with someone, you’re also having sex with all the people you’ve ever had sex with. There’s the way you smile as you kiss because once a girl fell in love with you over it and there’s the way you bite someone’s neck like for just one second you’re back in that bathroom together and there’s the way you arch your hips for that fist as well as for this one. And there’s the deep internal rot of anxiety from when you didn’t want it, and it happened anyway, and those people are gone and you’re still here. And that’s okay! You can try therapy if you want, or having so much sex that it erases the bad, or having no sex, or a million other things, but for me at least the only things that have ever really helped are time and knowing that those experiences sucked, but that even if something similar happens in the future, I will never have to live through those specific moments again. (Okay, and moving to another country.)

On communication: If you’re bad at communicating during sex, don’t. Communicate before. Days before, hours before, right before. With time and practice you’ll be able to do it during, too, but if you know you can’t use your words right now in that space, use them in other spaces instead. As part of that, work out signals for “I’m having a great time,” “can we do something else?,” and “stop.” They can be claps, shoulder taps, dropping something loud on the floor, even holding something that squeaks when you squeeze it and squeezing. You can also use green, yellow, and red as safewords, if you can say a few words but not many. Discuss with a partner well outside of the context of sex, remind each other of them right before, and figure out what works for you.

On your own pleasure and “do you like that”: Honestly it can just be really hard to like and want and admit to sex or pleasure sometimes. I recommend masturbation. Then I recommend masturbation in front of a partner. Then I recommend asking your partner to join in. Practice connecting with your own pleasure alone as well as when someone else is there. See yourself as subject as well as object. Revel in it.

so i went on a tinder date and it was good we got on very well but there was no spark or chemistry rly at all, and like zero flirting. can i ask her on a second date and try harder or give up?
Rachel: Hmmmm not to be a bitch but what would you see yourself getting out of a second date? You certainly CAN ask her, go ahead if you want to, but I feel like getting along well without chemistry or flirting is basically a friendship. Which are great! But aren’t dates.

Y’all. How do you do being queer so well? I feel like no matter what I do, I’m failing and am fake.. like a falesbian. I feel like no matter how much I try to immerse myself (learn about LGBT culture/issues, make new queer friends, etc?) I don’t really feel like I’m fitting into the community. I can’t get past a few dates with any one girl, and I just feel like a weirdo. Ya know? But you all rock it so hard. How?
Rachel: You’re not gonna like this answer I don’t think but it’s true: being queer isn’t something any of us do well because it isn’t something you do, it’s something you are. Or if it is something you do, that’s a separate conversation about intentionally constructing or inhabiting an identity or community role — which we can talk about, but has nothing to do with “failing” or being “fake!” You can’t fail at being queer any more than you can fail at being tall, or fail at how you like your coffee. You can be an authentically queer person by being your authentically queer self. The mention of community and dating and LGBT history tells me you’re maybe trying to find those validating connections outside yourself, which can be really affirming and positive, but maybe what you need first is to make some connections internally and get more solid with yourself. If you don’t feel like you fit in with your sense of self when you’re alone, you’re not going to feel that with a community no matter what you do, you know?

Riese: Also there are different queer cultures and subcultures in different parts of the country and the world and even within cities and neighborhoods and they are all different! I literally did not think I was a lesbian because I didn’t relate to or get along with the only lesbian scenes I knew of by the age of 21 — the Sarah Lawrence lesbian scene, my Mom’s lesbian scene, and the lesbian scene of my friend from middle school who I lived with for a year at Michigan. I lived in the Bay Area for five years and made exactly zero new friends, ’cause I didn’t really fit in with that group, either. Sometimes I think the only lesbian scene I fit into is the one I created myself, with is called A-Camp, but lots of people don’t fit into that scene either! There is no one way to be queer, except that btw if you are queer, you are doing queer correctly.

Hey Alaina! Word on the street is you moved to a new faraway not-the-most-queer-friendly-maybe? place for a PhD. I will be doing the same thing shortly, and am worried about getting my extraverted self amply socialised. Any advice? Thanks! x
Alaina: Hello friend! I just moved to Austin, TX for grad school, and while I hear it’s better for queer folks than a lot of other places in Texas, you’re right, it’s not great! I have had to put in significant work to cultivate the kind of queer community that I want. I want to forefront my advice with this, however: I am an introvert who lives alone because socializing stresses me out that much. But even for me, socializing and community building is necessary to my sanity in grad school. Because grad school is such a specific struggle, I’d suggest looking to your cohort first. Maybe this is specific to the humanities but I’m gonna be honest with you, if I know 100 graduate students right now, at least 70 of them are queer. I’ve learned so about queer life in Austin primarily from my colleagues. They are my greatest resource. So, check out your classmates (not in a dating way, don’t date your classmates you have to see them for 5+ years) for socialization. I’ve also found my university to be pretty helpful; we’ve got a Queer Grad Student Assembly at UT which hosts happy hours every once in awhile. Cheap beer, free food, and a host of potential friends! The Counseling and Mental Health Center is also another great resource on my campus. They have different groups each semester that are identity based. Making friends isn’t necessarily the goal of group therapy, but sometimes it’s a really nice and unexpected side effect! If there aren’t queer specific events for grad students you can also start them! I hosted queer grad student writing groups through the school’s Gender and Sexuality Center and got to hang out with queer buds and write! Both are so important to my success! I never want to leave my house, reader, and I’ve managed to be social and build a really awesome queer community. I’m sure you, as an extrovert, will have no trouble at all.

So, I’ve been out of work for just over two years. And it’s come to the point where I have to accept that I’m just not going to get a job by applying to everything under the sun. I have to network. I have to leverage my many contacts in the industry and ask people for help. The thing is, I don’t generally consider myself a person with anxiety. I’ve never been diagnosed with a mental health disorder. I’m an actor – getting up on stage and reciting lines I’ve memorized in front of hundreds of people, no problem. But sending an email to a colleague asking for help with my job hunt? Might as well ask me to fly. My mother tells me I just have to call everyone I know, meet them for coffee, even just to get my face in people’s heads. She doesn’t understand that that is literally NOT POSSIBLE for me to do. Even just typing this, thinking about doing that, I’m breaking out in a cold sweat and feeling like I’m about to cry. Part of it is shame, the idea of asking for help finding a job, the idea of telling my colleagues in the community that I still haven’t found a job, it’s utterly humiliating. But I’m starting to get the sense that the other part of it is an anxiety I’ve never fully admitted or dealt with before. So my question is, since I know many of you have dealt with anxiety, how to get past it and do the things I know I need to do? I’m guessing your answers are probably gonna go something along the lines of “go to therapy, get a prescription, take your meds”. And while that is the sensible, long term-solution, I guess I’m looking for advice for the short term, to be able to push through and make the calls I have to make now. Or I guess advice for how to explain to my mother why I’m unable to just call all of the many contacts she keeps throwing at me. Because seriously, the idea telling her I have anxiety is about 10 times more terrifying than coming out ever was.
Riese: The good news is that you are an actor! Because the only way I survive networking events (besides alcohol, which I would not suggest because it’s not a healthy way to live one’s life and I am not proud of it) is to summon whatever I still recall from when I used to do theater and pretend that we are doing a scene, and I have a part in this scene and my job is to perform that part. I try to separate my true self from the event at hand. Because my true self, in a professional setting, is usually sitting there like I HATE MYSELF AND I BET THEY HATE ME TOO / ISN’T IT WEIRD HOW WE’RE ALL PRETENDING TO BE THIS OR THAT WAY FOR THIS SPECIFIC CONTEXT AND NONE OF US ARE EXPRESSING OUR TRUE FEELINGS TO EACH OTHER AND PROBABLY NEVER WILL?!!

I think what you’re describing, and what your mother is suggesting that you do, is a very stressful situation for just about anybody besides a wholehearted enthusiastic extrovert with a lot of confidence, and looking for jobs with no luck for two years can also impact your confidence. So feeling anxiety about it doesn’t necessarily mean you have an anxiety disorder. You very well might! But you very well might not. It could also be situational — I’ve noticed in my own life that when things are dicey, like when I’m unemployed or just had a disaster relationship, that I tend to avoid coffees and even family holidays ’cause thinking about what to talk about when I don’t want to talk about my own life is stressful! And that’s okay. You’re doing a hard thing but you’re going to DO IT and you will feel SO GOOD afterwards and so proud of yourself. There is no feeling sweeter than crossing an extroverted or telephone-related task off my to-do list. Not one!

Okay, so I’m feeling pretty low about my body image. I can’t find clothes that look good, everything feels wrong, my binder isn’t binding like it used to, I feel overweight and weak. My first idea is to hit the gym, lose a small amount of weight and get stronger. That’ll make me feel better, right? Well maybe, but what if not. Is there anything you could suggest to help me feel better about my body as it is now, rather than trying to change it? I just feel like that might be a healthier approach overall. But i don’t know how to go about it.
Riese: The best way to feel good about your body is to take care of it! It’s to exercise because everybody should exercise for their health and strength, regardless of whether or not that leads to weight loss. It will help you sleep better, and feel more awake when you are awake, and more capable of doing various life tasks, like carrying boxes and climbing up a tree and into your apartment window because you locked yourself out. Eat better because it’ll help your focus and energy and because all of us should be eating better. Maybe you’ll lose weight and maybe you won’t, but regardless you’ll be treating your body like the incredible miracle that it is rather than like this thing that carries your brain around all day. I think that’s step one.

My girlfriend’s mother HATES me, but only when I’m dating her daughter. When we’re “just friends” she loves me, tells me she thinks of me as another daughter. My girlfriend and I broke up for a time because she was saying such hateful things about me and my GF could no longer stand it. My gf was having anxiety attacks that were affecting her work and schooling. We are in our mid 20’s and want to give our relationship another try, but I don’t know how to reach her mother in a positive way. I have tried everything, I have cooked for her, gone to church with her, sent cards to her sick family members, sent birthday gifts to the family, and even sent gifts when she got a new dog. But as soon as I love her daughter I’m “confusing her child” and ruining her life. How can I make my relationship with the woman I love work when there is so much hate in her family? I don’t want her to destroy my happiness, but I hate feeling like I can’t control the situation. Please help me. Someone else must have gone through this. Someone must know what to do.
Yvonne: I’ve been in your shoes before and it’s definitely not a good time. My partner and I have been together for almost seven years now and my relationship with her mom has definitely changed since when we were first together. In the beginning, her mom hated me and didn’t even acknowledge me when we were in the same room, which was only for special occasions. Her mom hated that her only daughter was gay so she took it out on me. Her mom would offhandedly talk shit about me to my partner when they were on the phone sometimes and her parents didn’t think our relationship was real. My partner and I live an hour away from her parents and there was a time when I wasn’t allowed to step foot in her parents’ home so I wasn’t able to hang out with her entire family on Sundays. (We’re Mexican and it’s a tradition to chill and eat with extended family on Sundays.) Believe me, I felt awful and I cried so many times.

But let me tell you, this isn’t your problem to fix because it’s not about you. Your girlfriend’s mother is dealing with her own ugly ass homophobia and is taking it out on her daughter and you. No matter how nice you are to your girlfriend’s mom, it will not help her accept you or make her like you — only she can do that for herself and for the sake of her relationship with your girlfriend and her relationship with you. In my case, my partner didn’t tolerate this behavior from her mom or dad. If her mom would say an offhand comment about me, my partner would point it out to her mom and tell her she didn’t like it and tell her why it was fucked up or whatever. It got really ugly and my partner and her mom would argue all the time on the phone and go for days without speaking to each other. My partner was really upset and sad because growing up she had a close relationship with her mother. But my partner said she loved me so much and chose me to be in her life and it’s on her parents to accept that. I’m not going to lie, it’s going to be tough. My partner would call out her parents every time they said homophobic comments or said something about me and I mean, they didn’t change over night but they got better with time. They slowly backed off and got use to the idea that my partner and I were actually together and loved each other but they still didn’t talk to me and I still was not invited to their home. To be completely honest, it wasn’t until my partner got cancer last year that my relationship with her parents dramatically changed. It’s really sad but it took something as scary as cancer to snap them into reality. My partner had major surgery to address her tumor so while she was in the hospital and at home recovering, her parents and I had to communicate and work together in order to take care of my partner. It was really stressful and emotional to say the least but I think they finally realized that I love their daughter and that I’m gonna be by her side no matter what and that I’m not just some silly girl in their daughter’s life. We’re definitely in a much better place now where I’m invited to family events and invited over for dinner and they actually talk to me!

I hope it doesn’t take a life-altering experience for your girlfriend’s mom to accept you! But you literally can’t do anything to change her mind. Yeah, continue to be nice and cordial to her but don’t go out of your way to make her like you because it just won’t work. If your girlfriend decides to stand up for herself, make sure you’re supporting her instead. Even though you’re hurt, don’t talk trash about your girlfriend’s mom or family to her because it’s not your place to say those things. Good luck!

Is there actually any point in knowing what I want if I also know I’m not getting it
Rachel: Yes, I think, because someday that might change and you need to be ready to ask for it bb

Everything you’re doing is so great! You’re making a difference in the lives of queer ladies/ gnc folk everywhere. <3 Thanks for doing what you do. xoxo

MISC

How is Tinkerbell doing?
Riese: You know it’s been a difficult year but she’s still very thin and very beautiful, and very much looking forward to going back to California, which is the only place where a star like Tinkerbell can adequately shine. She is more beautiful than sunsets and pedicures and lip gloss and every lesbian wedding combined into one mass lesbian wedding.

Are hotdogs just some kind of American taco?
Rachel: You know I realized I’m not sure how to answer this! Maybe???

Riese: Here’s some background reading for you

I forgot to mention this in the new reader survey, but I LOVED the article from the person hiking the PCT, and I used to love reading Crystal’s health and fitness posts.
Rachel: I HAVE SOME GREAT NEWS FOR YOU Vanessa, who wrote that post, is going to write another one, also about the PCT! It will be published on our website, Autostraddle dot com. She also wrote this one that you might like! And yes, Crystal is a delight and so are those posts! God bless it everyone is great!

For the video gamers in the room, do you think we could get an Autostraddle Steam Community group?
Heather: We probably can’t set up and monitor an official group, but I’ll bet you could get an unofficial one going (or find someone else who will) by commenting on our video game posts! Dufrau is very smart about these things.

I’m super excited for the Ann Arbor party! I feel a little bit like when me and my 2 other goodietooshoes friends saved up alllllll our good behavior tickets in 4th grade (isnt that a little late for that?) for the grand prize of having lunch with our teacher at the end of the year at Noble Roman’s pizza. We also got candy buttons and those weird wax soda bottle candies.
Rachel: I REMEMBER THOSE WAX CANDIES. Were they even good? Or just novel? Anyways! Did you come to the party? What did you think? I miss you already! I’m sorry I was so drunk!

Yvonne: Oh I had something similar in 4th grade too! My teacher gave us points and we could redeem them for various prizes, candy and snacks. I never saved mine up for bigger prizes because I always wanted a Star Crunch, which was not a lot of points. Anyways, I hope you came to the party and had fun! I did!

Do you listen to the new Stuff Mom Never Told You? If so, what do you think? I kind of like it but not quite as much as the old version
Heather: I didn’t even know it was back! I’ll look it up!

Why do all the mainstream menstrual pads have perfume in them? Do (some) women like that? I’m transmasc but I’d never stick aftershave down there…
Rachel: I believe the answer, unfortunately, is the patriarchy yet again

Yvonne: My mom and grandma always send me pads in care packages which is so nice and thoughtful but sometimes they send me the ones with perfume and I will not use them. I refuse.

I miss whiskey kitten
Rachel: Same

Riese: Unfortunately Whiskey Kitten belongs to a real human who emailed us about using his photographs and he was super sweet about it but I feel too bad to keep using it but you know I miss the days when we could use kitten photos without feeling bad in general, really that goes for all photos ultimately

Is it better to talk about politics when you’re stressed/scared about them or not to talk about politics to avoid adding fuel to the fire? I guess nuanced approaches are the best but it seems like people won’t take my opinions as nuanced enough if I’m honest & I feel like I’m selling out if I’m dishonest. (anti-colonialist, pro-gay rights, feminist pacifist here)
Laneia: Nuance is fine and good but so is fiery righteousness, so maybe the goal should be a balance of that, which will probably only come with practice.

This isn’t relevant to anything in particular – but isn’t the photography here simply breathtakingly beautiful? 
Laneia: I actually couldn’t look at these because they made me feel like I was suffocating but yes, the two that I glanced are beautiful! Quite literally breathtaking!

Yvonne: Aww! I like the one of the baby seal poking his head out of an ice gap.

I sometimes feel uncool that my gay icons are people like Stephen Fry but I’m watching Britain’s Gay Buildings right now and it’s the happiest I’ve felt all week. Bad stuff’s happened in gay history but we’ve got through it.
Laneia: The number one rule of gay icons is that you get to decide who yours are and not give a shit what anyone else thinks!

Wouldn’t it be fun if they brought back Lilith Fair?
Riese: It would be! Except… they already tried to. And… it didn’t work. I went to Lilith Fair in 1998 though and it was pretty baller

Ok so I just did a google image search for “demon cheerleader Wynonna Earp” (don’t question me) and in the fourth row there’s a photo of one of your staff writers? Way to be, ya’ll XD
Heather: I just did the same thing and you are correct! That’s Valerie Anne, our social media co-editor and TV critic and Wynonna Earp recapper!

Hiya. Queer and brilliant band sacred paws won Scottish album of the year yesterday. Just thought you might like to know. 
Heather: I did want to know! Thank you!

Why did nobody tell me ‘Glad to Be Gay’ had more than two lines. It’s gone from cheesy to great in my eyes after hearing the whole song
Heather: I don’t know what that is, but I can confirm that I also am Glad to Be Gay.

RED ALERT RED ALERT!!! In a recent Dear Prudence column, Mallory Ortberg mentioned “the classic My First Gay Haircut” and linked to Autostraddle’s “alternative lifestyle haircut” tag. Which means that she is not only an Autostraddle reader, but has read enough Autostraddle to know the tagging system in great depth. Which means that she is probably reading our Vapid Fluff-inspired collective freakout about her new haircut and her La Croix pictures and her hats!! Maybe you could do what you did with Mara Wilson and get her to come to camp???
Riese: We actually have it on very good authority that Mallory would very much like to attend our next A-Camp, so STAY TUNED.

Met my long distance gf yesterday and she switched outfits three times. 1 she looked really sexy in all of them even though one was high femme, one was femme and one was tomboy. 2 is it normal to switch your clothes three times a day? Am I doing it wrong by just doing it once a day? (or twice w pjs)
Rachel: I strongly suspect that she mostly did this for the sake of you thinking item #1, and so I wouldn’t worry too much about #2 and #3. You’re definitely not doing it wrong but I think your girlfriend just wants you to think she’s cute and it seems like you do so high fives all around!

Zombie AfterEllen linked to an Autostraddle article now. I’m shocked!
Laneia: Someone must’ve gotten lost.

It’s been a while since After Ellen’s death so How do you guys think the AS community changed since the AE commenters migrated here?
Laneia: I think the AS community continues to be a welcoming place where people respect each other and make room for different interests and backgrounds! How has it changed…. It’s gotten larger?

Riese: I don’t think the AS community has changed, but I think that in general, like on social media and occasionally in the comments, people are way harder on us and meaner to us than they were before AE died. Like we’re all that’s left and so they expect so much more of us than they used to, which says a lot because they definitely expected a lot of us before, too! We’re seen as more powerful now even though we are still not.

Who is the cute model in the “Soft Butch” tee ad? Are they single? Can they date me? I have cats, if that makes a difference.
Riese: The cute model in the Soft Butch tee ad is my girlfriend!!! Although she was not OFFICIALLY my girlfriend YET when the photograph was taken — we’d just started the thing — she is officially my girlfriend now. BUT don’t get too sad because cats would’ve been a dealbreaker anyhow, she doesn’t like cats. But she does like dogs. I feel the same way (no on cats, yes on dogs), just for the official record.

Why didn’t Emily end up with Jenna? Could it really have been worse than Emily and Alison? COULD IT?
Heather: Ha! I’ve never heard of that ship before! What in the world is it even called? I feel like Emily and Ali ending up together made sense and could have been a beautiful, resonant storyline for the ages, but the execution of it over the last two seasons was terrible and so it didn’t make me feel anything but annoyed. Also, honestly, Emison shippers kept threatening my cats on Instagram so my softness for them never manifested.

I wish we’d studied Maurice at uni instead of Howard’s End. Still wouldn’t be my style I bet (never read it) but at least it was gay.
Heather: I wish I’d studied Marcel the Shell With Shoes On in college, tbh.

That advert with the woman who puts up with having four hundred chairs in her house. That wouldn’t happen unless she was a hoarder too.
Laneia: I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I’m inclined to agree with you out of a need for solidarity and approval.

can anyone explain why I love Cool For The Summer, but HATE I Kissed a Girl and have never forgiven Katy Perry for it, even though they have essentially the same message?
Rachel: YES, I CAN. Because “I Kissed a Girl” has lines that say verbatim “just wanna try you on,” “hope my boyfriend don’t mind it,” “it felt so wrong,” “it’s not what good girls do” — I could go on! It’s very literally and directly about using another girl for experimentation with no regard for her personhood or feelings, while framing any kind of same-sex contact as dirty and bad! Like damn, her imaginary boyfriend gets more consideration in that song than this poor girl does! I could go on about this for days. Conversely, there are a few lines in “Cool for the Summer” that are a little experiment-y, but also says “Even if they judge, fuck it, I’ll do the time,” and “Tell me what you want, what you like,” which is way more consideration than Katy’s poor makeout partner got. Please picture me as that meme of Charlie Day standing in front of a conspiracy theory bulletin board of string and thumbtacks. ANYHOW you’re in the clear I think and also maybe give Jill Sobule’s “I Kissed a Girl” a shot, I think it is the superior of the two for sure

I have no idea whether this is going to be horrible or hilarious, but I might have to give it a try.. it’s a Swedish comedy inspired by John Waters and 1980s filmmaking, “Dyke Hard.” There are a couple reviews on IMDb, including this. (It’s also up on iTunes, but ISTR Vimeo doesn’t bother with DRM)
Heather: Well, I guess I better set aside some time!

Have you folks seen this? It’s by a QTPOC and pretty great… 
Yvonne: Yes! We republished it here on this very website.

So will be The Foster recaps this season?
Heather: No, Lucy Hallowell got way burned out on it and also has some other important writing opportunities she’s pursing right now. I’ll post mom updates in Boobs Tube, though!

Hot tip: the new netflix series “Gypsy” has a ton of lesbian scenes just FYI
Yvonne: You’re in luck! You can read all about it on this very website. 

Why can’t lesbian tv shows have happy endings :(
Yvonne: Because of the patriarchy :(

The 13th Doctor is a woman. Now Madame Vastra can hit on her.
Heather: MADAME VASTRA IS A MARRIED WOMAN.

Thoughts on Jodie Whittaker as the new Doctor?
Heather: I’m both ecstatic and also I wish they’d cast a woman of color.

THE NEW DOCTOR IS A WOMAN I AM BATHING IN MALE TEARS TONIGHT SCREAM WITH ME
Heather: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Really Nice Things You Told Us

Drink some water. It’s important to stay hydrated
Rachel: AS I SCROLLED TO THIS QUESTION I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF LIFTING MY WATER BOTTLE TO MY MOUTH! You manifested this, dear reader, thank you.

Can I get you a drink ? What will it be?
Laneia: Oh my goodness THANK YOU I would really love a ginger kombucha. Thank you so much.

Things are so dark right now in this world. Thank you for making me feel less alone. Thank you thank you thank you AS. Im gonna give you all my money some day <3
Laneia: Isn’t it wild that by sending this message, you made the world a little brighter and less alone? ISN’T THAT WILD. Luv u.

I just wrote to say I love you I just wrote to say how much I care I just wrote to say I love you And I mean it from the bottom of my heart
Rachel: I love you too bb

I’d just like to thank Heather for the PLL recaps. Even when the show went off the rails, it was great to read Heather’s perspective. Also, thank you so much to Carmen for beginning to recap Queen Sugar.
Heather: Friend, you are so welcome. It was a pleasure to take that ride with you. It changed my life. Also, I 100% completely agree about Queen Sugar and Carmen!

Hi all, just wanted to say how much I am enjoying and learning from all the QTPOC content lately – so much fantastic work from so many amazing writers! Thank you all so much for what you are doing. I know it’s tough out there but please know that you are doing such important and beautiful work.
Yvonne: I am too! I’m so excited to read more from our new writers.

When I was filling out my camp survey form I forgot to mention what a joy it was to have Molly Priddy at camp, so I just wanted to be sure to mention it here. She was one of the highlights for me because she was so much fun to be around and worked hard to make everyone feel welcome. She is a fabulous addition to an already amazing team.
Laneia: Damn, right? Molly Priddy is a standup gal all around!

Yvonne: You’re right, Molly is amazing!

Well, I just finished reading the last three SATSTYBAUs, and they were so full of lovely reminders of why I <3 AS. You guys have been a haven for me, during the whole parade of horrors that was 2016, and I’ve barely said a word the whole time. So here’s a word – thank you. Oh and money. Please take my money, okay? I know that’s your favorite kind of surprise, right, Riese? All of y’all have earned it a thousand times over. Hitting send.
Riese: IT IS MY FAVORITE KIND OF SURPRISE YES THANK YOU YOU’RE WELCOME I <3 YOU TOO!!!

You’ve been working hard, take a break, go stretch your legs a little bit and drink some water
Laneia: I took this advice and feel much better. Thank you.

Reneice is doing amazing so far. Great hire!
Laneia: Reneice is SO GREAT !

Yvonne: Have you checked out her new column, Femme Brûlée?? It’s so fun!

amaaaaazing work this (and every) week y’all <3 <3 <3 <3
Laneia: Thank you! I’ve tried really hard to stay on top of my to-do list in my planner and I thought I was doing pretty good, but now it’s official: I’m doing pretty good.

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