How much space to give an aggrieved ex-friend?
Q
Hi, I wrote in several months ago about having a younger queer friend with whom it was hard to be in a relationship, as they make their own mistakes. Since then, I set boundaries that were truly the distance at which I could love myself and them at the same time—which was from pretty far away!
Recently, we had a check-in, and I shared some of where I was coming from. They admitted that there were many times they felt hurt by my actions but didn’t share those feelings with me. During the conversation, they were very afraid to share what those times or actions were. I held a lot of space for them, and they eventually shared one example, which was useful to gauge the kinds of things they’re talking about. The one thing they shared made sense in retrospect—it’s understandable why they were hurt, but it’s something I couldn’t have known (for many reasons).
I’ve got a lot to navigate in terms of assessing my own needs, boundaries, and desires—I’m not even sure I want a friendship with this person at this time. I’ve come to realize I don’t trust them and don’t feel safe with them.
The question I have is, given this context, is it useful to have a sit-down to hear them out about the times I hurt them? I feel like it might be useful for them to learn how to use their voice, but given what they shared, I’m not sure they’re able to identify what they’d want or need from me. Like—is that a better conversation between them and their therapist? What do I owe this person? And is it better to just acknowledge that maybe I don’t want to be friends with them at this time in their life and not offer space-holding or care around their grief over what might be a friend breakup?
A
Valerie Anne: I think that depends on how you would feel if you walked away right now. Would it serve YOU to have these conversations, would it give YOU closure? You already offered space for them to share specific instances and they only gave one, and with great effort, so it doesn’t sound like they are particularly interested in going over the minutia of what went wrong. If they’re ASKING to sit down with you and go over things, and you do WANT to as part of this “friend breakup,” by all means. But it is not your responsibility to teach them how to use their voice in such a specific way. It sounds like you’ve already done the work of explaining your boundaries and why the friendship wasn’t working. If you DO have a desire to repair the friendship, I could see the value in going over these specific instances and working through how you could problem solve them together in the future, but if you already know you want to walk away because, as you said, you don’t feel like it’s a healthy or safe relationship for you to be part of anymore, I don’t see the benefit of going over the specifics. I think acknowledging that you both did things to hurt the other, even if it was unwittingly sometimes, and that walking away is the best thing for both of you can be the end of that. Hopefully they have a support system that isn’t you who can help them work through the grief. And hopefully you do, too.
Summer: Hiya OP. Glad to see you back <3. Okay, as to this… I think you’re gradually reaching a conclusion that you’d rather not have a friendship with this person. That’s perfectly fine. You’ve also made an effort to hold a friendship for them that respects your needs and theirs and have had important talks with them to try and keep it flowing. That’s good work that shows compassion.
If you feel like this isn’t going in a good direction for you, you’re always allowed to close off the friendship and move on with life. You have a life and so do they. They’re a person unto themselves who has support structures, skills, and a responsibility to manage their interpersonal issues. You don’t have to stick it out in a friendship you’re uncomfortable with for the sake of another person. You wouldn’t even have to do that for a relationship, which is normally considered more serious.
It’s okay to want to end a friendship gently, one way or the other. Whether you have more conversations about the topic with them or just slowly wind it down is your call.
Nico: If they ask you to sit down, then you could sit down with them, but you already held space, so you don’t particularly have a huge ethical reason to return to this. Sometimes people are just like two cactuses around each other, and no matter what you do, you keep jabbing the other. It’s okay in these circumstances to separate and go your own way. This was likely already a learning experience for your young, former friend, and like you, they’ll have many more.
Now, if the things you’ve done to hurt them are particularly violent or grievous (which they probably aren’t? I hope?), I would have different opinions about accountability, but if it’s a series of misunderstandings or social mistakes or saying-the-wrong-things or even disclosing private info, then those are things that suck but don’t necessarily need to be worked through ad nauseum.
It seems like you’re learning a lot through this process, too. No matter our age, we’re always learning to navigate interpersonal dynamics. I’d say to be gentle with yourself and others, but it sounds like you are, so I hope that you can just find a way to do the best you can with something that is hurtful and sad for everyone, and then move forward.
How long should I flirt with someone before clarifying their interest?
Q
I recently met someone at a queer group activity (out in the wild, what a crazy concept!) where we’d meet weekly and have casual conversation. We slowly transitioned over to chatting over text and next thing I know, we’re texting every day (not throughout the day, but usually when we were both done with work). There was a lot of banter and great back-and-forth in terms of questions, which I enjoyed. But I slowly caught onto the fact that I was developing a crush on this person and I wasn’t sure if their banter was flirtatious or not.
About two weeks after we started texting, we met 1:1 and I asked them to clarify their intentions, and told them I find them attractive and am interested in them, to which they said they wanted to just be friends. I knew that was a possibility, and I respect it, but it’s still not fun to get rejected. Things are a little awkward now (at least to me) and I can’t help but wonder if I put the brakes on a budding ~something~ before it had a chance to flourish.
How long would you wait in the flirting/banter/get to know you phase before clarifying someone’s intentions? I’m new to being so direct and am generally quite proud of myself for clarifying their intentions, but I wonder if I should wait longer next time.
A
Summer: Hello me. I didn’t realize I wrote in recently.
From one neurodivergent to someone having a hard time with social cues: dating can be rough. The threshold for when it’s okay to make your intentions clear is… entirely vibes-best. Which is why some people flourish in dating and others flounder. The fact that you put effort into clear lines of communication laden with honesty is worthy of pride.
How long do I wait during the flirting/banter period before I clarify my intentions? It’s vibes-based, and I have to tailor for each person. I’ve had conversations that rapidly escalated because it was clear both people involved were enjoying themselves and nudging it forward. I’ve slid out of contact with hookups only to visit their inbox years later by replying to an Insta story. And that turned into a catch-up or something more sexual. Everyone is different. Seek out context clues like quick replies, attentiveness to the conversation, and overt expressions of enjoyment in your conversation. Then work from those clues.
Oh, and if there’s a mutual attraction, there’s often no need to time it flawlessly. A person who is a good fit for you will be attracted to you. There shouldn’t be a perfect timing window to engage. If they’re attracted to you, almost any time that is socially appropriate would be sufficient to light the spark. That advice saved my ass from regret so many times. I used to beat myself up so badly for missing the perfect window or gesture. When in reality… if they were truly into me, there wouldn’t have been a special window anyway. It’s not on you. Things just aren’t in place, and that’s okay.
Nico: Oh if you’re texting daily it was the right time to ask. You’re fine! Unless someone is demisexual, which they probably would have told you, I feel like a person generally knows whether they’re attracted to or desiring romance with someone within a relatively short timeframe — not whether they’re compatible, or in love, or wanting to plan the rest of their lives together — but just whether or not they feel a spark. But they do not feel that or they don’t want to date, and that’s okay. It does not mean anything about you. Things will be awkward for a little while, but the cool thing about being queer is that I think a friendship can totally survive this. In this case, I’d recommend finding ways to distract yourself until the crush passes — whether that means taking up a new hobby or taking the apps for a spin. And yes, you should be proud of yourself for being direct and clarifying. Someday, you’re probably going to get an awesome “yes” in response to you clarifying, so it’s cool that you’re getting some practice in, even if, like sparring in boxing, it leaves you feeling a little bruised.
Em: I think your timing was spot on, especially because you were texting daily with good banter and the vibes were definitely present. When it comes to dating I really don’t like wasting time, so I often try to make my intentions clear even if they are just “I find you attractive and want to see where this goes.” You did what I would do, and I’m proud of you for being direct! While it sucks to get rejected, it saves so much time and heartache to know their intentions now as opposed to months from now. Plus, now that you know where they stand, you can focus on the actual friendship. Who knows, maybe down the road once your friendship is more deeply established and timing lines up, it will turn into something deeper!
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