I feel bitter that we have to be pushed into something less than we deserve.
Q
I’ve lived outside of the US for the last four years, and for the last two and a half, I’ve been dating my wonderful partner who I love very much. Like many international couples, visa issues are a major concern in our relationship. If we want to be together, we have to plan ahead and figure out a way, not just trust that things will fall into place. I like living where we are now and enjoy my life outside of the US, but the States is still my home and we might want to move there together one day, and a spouse visa is the easiest way to do that.
We’ve been talking about marriage and our ideas on marriage since before we started dating. I’ve never really seen myself getting married in a forever kind of way, but I think it would be fun to have a wedding. From early on, we’ve agreed that we’ll probably get married eventually to make the visa situation less stressful, but figured we’d save up money for when my current visa expires after 2-3 more years.
Now with Trump getting ready to take office, we’re wondering if we should get married when we visit my family in the US over Christmas. Would that be an overreaction? I’ve talked to a few friends about it and they all agree that my reaction seems justified, but what are the actual odds that Trump’s government, the Supreme Court, or the legislature will ban gay marriage? For reference, my home state is very conservative and would definitely uphold a federal ban.
The next issue is, should I tell my family? I don’t like keeping secrets and I don’t want to hide this from them, but I also don’t want to invite them into my joy when they’re part of the reason I have to make this decision (despite years of trying to get through to them, my parents voted for Trump a third time). My girlfriend insists that we need to tell people and I think I agree, but the amount of dread I have when thinking about that conversation makes me want to shut everything down completely.
I also just feel sad that I have to think about this. When I thought about a wedding with my girlfriend, I imagined two great parties, one in each of our home countries, where we could celebrate our love and our families could finally meet each other. We’re not in a financial situation to be able to do that now, and I know it’s something we could still make happen in the future, but I feel bitter that we have to be pushed into something less than we deserve.
I know queer people have always existed and we will continue to live our lives even if we can’t get married, but I hate to have that option taken away from me. Should I take advantage of the choice while I still have it?
A
Summer: Well, your home state isn’t peak Blue, so that jeopardizes any chances of marrying there if marriage equality gets shitcanned. And Roe v. Wade got shitcanned, so they’re sure-as-shit gonna take down marriage equality next. Never assume the best of the Republican or US conservative establishment. Because every time we’ve assumed something good about them this century, they’ve gotten worse.
If you feel prepared to handle a marriage with your partner, it was already on the table and discussed… do it. My girlfriend’s parents literally married because one of their student visas was expiring and they’d dated for like… a couple years? And they just did it and are still together at retirement age. Marriages of convenience and practicality are the historical norm. Practicality and convenience are still key considerations in marriage. There’s always the material aspect to consider alongside attraction, prospects, and compatibility.
I don’t know if I’m qualified to answer your second question about telling your parents. But the fact that they keep voting Trump? That’s a YIKES from me. My condolences.
Nico: I’m sorry that you’re being pushed into something less than you deserve, because you are. You deserve the happy, celebratory wedding (and parties) that you wanted. However, many couples, including those who need a legal marriage on the books for visa, health insurance, or other reasons, choose to privately elope, and to then have a more public ceremony and celebration later on. I think that you could do this and it would be a good idea considering we don’t know what even the first 100 days will look like and you two were planning to get married anyway.
I know it’s disappointing, but if you can find ways to make a Christmas elopement special for you both, it might go a long ways toward easing the sting, and then you can plan for the celebrations you want in the future.
I think it’s up to you whether or not you tell your parents, and on what timeline. Dealing with travel and figuring out how you two want to get married will be enough to worry about! My mom votes for Trump, and I tell her very little about my life. Sometimes actions have consequences and if you feel pushed away and abandoned by them, then it’s okay to prioritize your own wellbeing over keeping them in the loop. You can always tell them after you’ve had your joy and your cake and your elopement day.
Riese: I really don’t want to get this wrong, and I’m not a lawyer — and you definitely should reach out to a lawyer. Honestly, it’s hard for a non-lawyer to get realistic answers on this because random law firm websites that show up on google have a vested interest in inspiring you to require their services (estate planning, second parent adoption, etc), the media has a vested interest in clicks inspired by panic, and non-profits have a vested interest in garnering donations via fear of losing our rights. As a member of the media I also understand a wariness to say “no it’s not gonna happen” because that’s not something any of us want to be wrong about! When I first wrote about Trump’s election I said I didn’t think same-sex marriage was on the chopping block… and then I got nervous about being wrong and changed it.
I don’t know a single thing about immigration — my friends who’ve gone through it; it was an extensive process that took a long-ass time, I’m not sure where you all are in that process or where your partner is a citizen!
So, with the caveat that I don’t know anything specific about your situation w/r/t immigration… it is my understanding that it’s not likely same-sex marriage will be challenged or overturned. It’s certainly possible, however — especially with a loon like Trump and the wackos in his administration.. The reasons that it is unlikely are outlined really clearly in this National Center for Lesbian Rights blog. It is important to know that Trump cannot just march into office and invalidate same-sex marriage. Marriage equality can only be overturned if the Supreme Court revisits Obergefell, and we’re at least a year out from when that could possibly happen. Trump also hasn’t openly expressed a desire to eliminate same-sex marriage. It does seem like the majority of his LGBTQ+ ire right now is focused squarely on ruining the lives of trans people specifically, rather than invalidating the marriages of many of his donors. One of his cabinet members is a married gay man as well.
All that said —I think you should still hedge your bets and do it, especially since you have visa stuff to sort out on top of it. My wife and I got married in October. We got the paperwork at City Hall, it took about 15 minutes for the first appointment and 20 minutes for the second. Our families were not happy about it, but we needed to do what we needed to do to protect our family (my wife is pregnant) going into these uncertain times. There was definitely a very specific bite to my wife’s convo with her family about it because they did vote for Trump. It fucking sucks and I’m sorry you have to deal with that. You could tell your family but not make a big announcement outside of that, and wait to do your wedding until you have the time and money to do so. So many couples did that during the height of the pandemic — got married officially, but waited to have the ceremony until later.
Kayla: I agree with a lot of what has been said —I think if you’re worried at all then you should go ahead and get married via elopement but then have a wedding celebration when you’re more ready and financially able to do so. More and more couples are doing that these days, and while it might not be what you imagined, it’s perfectly valid to do. I’m going to slightly push back on the advice to tell your family though; I understand you don’t like keeping secrets, but I think there’s room for more harm in telling them than not telling them when they’re, as you say, part of the reason you feel pressured to do this. Keeping it from them might be hard, but I think telling them could be harder (based on similar experiences from people I know). This could be an opportunity for you to practice new boundaries with them.
Is it crazy to let dietary restrictions be a dealbreaker?
Q
I’ve just started seeing someone who is dairy free and gluten free. It’s going well so far but I am a foodie. I love to cook, love restaurants, love alllllll of it. Food is my love language. I have always cooked elaborate meals for people I date. I really struggled with an ex who was just a bit of a picky eater. I fantasize about opening a bakery one day. Is it crazy for their dietary restrictions to feel like it could be a dealbreaker?
A
Summer: This is gonna sound stupid AF but it’s relevant. Have you ever watched the Katering Show? It’s a dreadfully funny (I think) sitcom about a ‘food intolerant and an intolerable foodie’. And there’s some romantic tension between the aforementioned people. Just sayin’.
Serious answer: no dealbreaker is ‘crazy’ if it makes sense to your needs in a relationship. The way you’ve structured your expressions of affection involve a lot of food and it’s perfectly okay to want someone who’s able to receive that affection in full. If it destabilizes the life you want to build, then you’re allowed to close it off.
My food for thought (hah) is that giving love isn’t just about gratifying our needs to give love. Love well-given is highly considerate of what the other person wants. In fact, I’d say it’s even more important to consider what would make the other person happy because if our goal is to truly enrich their lives, we’ll accommodate their needs. Yes, this person has food intolerances, but there are nonetheless ways to show love to them via food. It might even be more welcomed if you’re willing to exit your comfort zones to express that. My girlfriend does all the cooking and I’m the ‘picky eater’ who happens to have an eating disorder. And I’m autistic with major taste/textural needs. I’m a chef’s nightmare. But I love her more for the fact that she always considers my needs when cooking for us. If you can’t handle the possibility of accommodating their needs, then it’s still your right to not proceed. But there’s always room to show love even if their happiness differs from ours.
Valerie: I agree with Summer that your dealbreakers are your own, and only you can really know them, and shouldn’t feel bad about having them. You don’t have to justify a dealbreaker to anyone; it’s better to know that about yourself than to try to ignore the feelings you’re having and end up feeling resentful later. I wouldn’t be able to date one of those “I don’t even own a TV” people, which isn’t a judgement on their life or their choices or who they are as a person, just something I know would be incompatible with my lifestyle. It might seem like a shallow thing to a stranger, for my dealbreaker to be about television, but I know my life and personality best, and I just know it wouldn’t be a good fit. That said, I also agree that you being a foodie and dating someone with restrictive dietary needs doesn’t seem insurmountable; you can make this work IF you really, really want to. It could be a fun challenge to try to learn to cook delicious dairy- and gluten-free meals, it could be exciting to try new restaurants when searching for places with gluten-free options on the menu. And your partner’s dietary needs shouldn’t affect your dream of opening a bakery. So while it’s an absolutely fair dealbreaker if you feel you will truly struggle with it, I don’t think it HAS to be a dealbreaker if you don’t want it to be.
Kayla: Yeah I agree with Valerie that dealbreakers are super personal things. For what it’s worth, I think a “foodie” can definitely date someone with dietary restrictions so long as there is mutual respect in both directions. As a home chef myself, I like the “challenge” that catering to certain dietary restrictions poses, especially with large groups. Gluten free and dairy free elaborate meals aren’t only possible; they can be delicious. And you can customize so that you’re able to eat whatever you want, too. So long as the person you’re seeing is respectful of what you want to eat yourself, then I don’t see any glaring issues. Honestly, this could be very informative for your dreams of opening a bakery, which should have gluten free options because it’s just smart to have allergen-safe options at your business to cater to more people!
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FWIW I’m a vegetarian and while I really try to be adventurous with food, I’m on the spectrum and have some additional taste/texture issues. (Being a vegetarian who hates mushrooms is my cross to bear, haha.) My partner is an enthusiastic cook and comes from a meat-heavy cultural background. It is incredibly meaningful to me that she and her family have figured out how to make versions of their most special foods that I can eat. I agree that it COULD be workable with creative recipes/research… as long as your partner has an adventurous/open minded perspective within the restrictions and is similarly excited about food. But also, I have gone out with women who are like, Ron Swanson level steak connoisseurs, and that’s just not going to work for either of us. So I get that it’s subjective! Best of luck either way and with your bakery dream. <3
I have a couple of extra thoughts for the submitter writing about getting married:
1) I know it feels like you’re being forced into something, but it’s still a choice you’re making and there is a tremendous amount of joy in that choice. It’s your own little act of rebellion, your own commitment to your partner despite all odds, your way of planning for an inhospitable future. I believe looking for that joy might help ease the disappointment.
2) TBS, and I’m not from the US so it might work differently there, I think spousal visa requirements have nothing to do with being married in the destination country and everything to do with having legitimate marriage papers from A country. Like, as long as you’re married (when you want to be) that should be the same as being married in the US? Unless you think it’s more likely that visa requirements would change, which—fair.
To Question #1 – definitely DEFINITELY get in touch with an immigration lawyer. My wife and I got some really good guidance about how to navigate the visa/green card process that we would have been totally lost without! (I.e., getting married can invalidate certain visas that a non-citizen might be on, because those visas are premised on their stay being impermanent.) This is one of those areas that you definitely don’t want to freestyle, as small mistakes can have big ramifications. We decided to get married at around the same point in our relationship, after Roe was overturned, thinking that it would be prudent to at least get a green card application through the initial approval stage in the event that the federal right to get married went away the following term, or soon later. (We live in a state that would keep gay marriage, but… states don’t issue green cards!)
My only other advice is to try not to feel too much pressure around what you do here, whether that’s pressure around how much to involve your family, or even just whether to get married in the first place. These are huge decisions, and it’s easy to get caught up in the fear of the political climate, or around expectations of how family should be included, and just try to stay centered around the idea of what YOU want, in every respect. I am so, so happy that my wife and I are married, and we have been very lucky in how things have turned out for us, but that was not the only possible outcome. It’s just not ideal to be in a situation where you feel like you need to do the 21st century queer version of a shotgun marriage. You may feel rushed, justifiably so, and cornered because circumstances are threatening the longevity of your relationship with the person you love, and that does not always lead people to the same decisions that they would make when they are not under that kind of duress. I’m not suggesting you haven’t thought this through – I’m just saying that as someone who’s been there, make sure to at some point take a step back and make sure that you are holding plenty of space for that reflection to take place.
My partner and I (two women) decided on election night to get married before the end of the year and we just had our wedding/elopement this Saturday! I highly recommend it. Not exactly what we had originally imagined but so meaningful and felt like an act of resistance and love in the face of a shitty situation. We were able to make it into a small celebration but even if you can’t do that, going to the courthouse and then going out for a nice dinner in your holiday outfits would be a great way to mark the occasion and even if the political worst case scenario doesn’t happen it’s such a relief to have the legal protection.