Can I Get Over This? Should I?
Q
Well, here we are: my girlfriend voted for Trump because her (military, ‘centrist republican’) family somehow convinced her that this man is going to fix inflation and the economy. We’ve been together three years and moved in together last year. She lost her job a few months ago and her parents have been helping her out financially, and it seems like that’s made her more receptive to their rhetoric? Or maybe it’s just guilt? I don’t know but like, she could’ve just told them that she voted for him and not actually done it???
I truly believe that we have shared values, which makes this even more confounding. It feels like she’s abandoned those values —and so us —by doing this. She’s said it felt like a gamble where you’re just betting on the one you think will fix things the fastest and for more people. Even that doesn’t ring true to me.
She is a smart person and I love her! Our mutual friends all voted for Harris. I was barely finding a way to cope with this before he won. Now that he did win, every time I look at her I think “you are part of the problem.” Can I get over this? SHOULD I?
A
Valerie Anne: I personally wouldn’t be able to. To know someone who claims to care about me voted for someone who not only has sexually assaulted women, but also threatens my rights and the rights of so many other marginalized communities for the economy. Even if it was true, that Project 2025 would magically fix the economy and gas prices and eggs would be cheap as hell, that’s not worth the lives that will be lost and/or ruined because of abortion bans and trans healthcare bans, etc. To me, her voting that way says loud and clear that she cares more about money than anything or anyone else, and that’s not something I personally could live with.
Em: I echo what Valerie said 100000x. I just can’t see how someone from a minority group could rationalize giving up their rights (and the rights of so many others) for the *potential (and probably not probable)* proposal to lower groceries and gas. In some ways she’s right about relying on one person to fix things. We can’t rely on any president to really do anything. The power lies in local politics and community organizing. So, to her own point, if the actual person you’re voting for is a “gamble,” why not choose someone who supports/represents your own community??? Maybe you two have the same values, but not in similar hierarchies. Maybe it would be helpful to list out your values in order of importance and compare?
Summer: I’m reminded of that saying that disagreement is perfectly fine unless that disagreement has to do with our sense of being and security. This seems like one of those cases. You’re dead right in that she could have told them she voted and not gone through with it. Maybe lying to her family would have been a violation of her principles, but she made a principled decision in the other direction.
I think her vote speaks volumes about where her leanings and loyalties are. Not the partisan kind, but her interpersonal loyalties. I’m sure you and your friend group have pretty strong opinions about who should have won that election and she is keenly aware of what each side entails. She made her decision and it was in contravention of your values and those of your loved ones.
I don’t know if I should tell you to dump her outright or try to turn this into some Very Important Conversations over the next few weeks. I’m at a loss for what else to say because I’ve never been in this situation and it doesn’t make sense to me either. So as to the question of whether you should dump her…
I don’t know whether you should. But I think you already have an answer in mind.
Nico: If you’re looking for validation that you’re not overreacting, you’re not overreacting. While electoral politics won’t save us, and Harris certainly isn’t innocent when it comes to incarcerating countless people and genocide, actually going out of your way to vote for Trump as a queer person surrounded by more “liberal” queer people is its own special way of saying “fuck you.” Being queer isn’t just about who you love. Queerness with a capital “Q” is about finding radical ways to survive and care for each other in a hostile world. I agree with my colleagues here that this action speaks volumes about other ways in which your girlfriend might betray you in the future. I’m sure her parents will be happy to have her move back in.
I Feel Conflicted About Trump Voters Throwing My Baby Shower
Q
My sister is throwing me (32f) and my wife (30, pregnant) a baby shower in a month. Everything has been planned, invites have been sent, all of it. Then Donald Trump won the election. My sister voted for him. So did other members of our family who will be present. I want to cancel the baby shower and I don’t want to accept gifts from our Trump-voting family members. My wife is anti-Trump as they come but is just better at hiding her feelings and compromise than I am, and she also has family members coming. Her point is that beggars can’t be choosers and we need everybody’s help affording things for the baby, or childcare when they are born.
We are not in a great place financially right now and are worried about having to pay for things now like second parent adoption, or the cost of childcare going up if Trump deports everybody and a bunch of the local places could get shut down. I said okay we can keep the shower, but I am now here at 5am stewing over this and how mad I am at them and the world they want our child to live in!! Help me reconcile my anger with our need and my pregnant wife’s desires? What can I do?
A
Em: It’s important that your family exists, thrives, and lives by the values you want to bring into the world. If you need to take your family’s resources to do that, then do that. Your wellbeing, your wife’s wellbeing, and your child’s wellbeing is an act of love-filled justice and advocacy. Think of it like they’re donating their time, money, etc. to your cause: the cause of nurturing a family who cares about minority rights and community care. Sure, canceling the shower would prove a point, but at what cost? Your family getting upset? Use their generosity and resources to your advantage. Use what they give you to do gay shit, like have a healthy, happy baby together.
Summer: You’re allowed to place priority material needs above the desire to sever connections with people who voted to wrong you. That’s my take, but I’m a cold, consequentialist person at heart. I think that the end justifies the means and material efficiency is the most beautiful thing on Earth.
The election outcome is decided. Yes, it was assisted along by your relatives, but there’s no changing the past or outcome at this point. This baby shower is still an opportunity to change the future though. For you, your wife, and child. Your anger is well-justified, but like you said, you can ill-afford to turn down valuables now. Sometimes, the best thing to do in service to those you love is to grit your teeth into a polite smile and bear the unpleasantries. I think you should proceed, especially if you have your wife’s support. You’ve got a family and a future to build with her. Baby clothes and toys today. Political hellscape tomorrow. One day at a time.
Nico: I know with a baby on the way that you’re busy, but I just want to remind you that you’re not powerless when it comes to fighting for things like the rights and safety of undocumented immigrants. Just because the election’s been decided, doesn’t mean it’s time to throw up your hands and do nothing. All that said, take their money and their help. It’s the least they could do, right? You need to make room for joy and meaning, and it’s okay for you and your wife to celebrate your coming baby and get the help you need.
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Comments
do people have collective memory loss??? like I just feel absolutely bonkers hearing so many people saying, ‘it won’t be that bad! he might fix the grocery prices!’ I am someone who firmly believes the dems have failed working class voters but I feel like people just, forgot that we were tripping over ourselves to get the orange fuck out of office in 2020?? I understand being conflicted or voting third party or whatever, but the amount of people willingly letting this man return to office is blowing my mind
I clicked on the header and went through the annoying log in process JUST to see if the first letter blurred out after the initial question and turned into a 44 pt font YES!
Sometimes I watch those reality dating shows and see the clown car of suitors unload. Name age occupation. And I just think — who did u vote for??! If that wasn’t a pre screener question for reality dating I’d never make it to day 2!
First question-
I think you should try to find out if she made a one time, out of character mistake, or if this was a symptom of a general problem. Like, did she vote for him only because of family pressure, being worried economically, after loosing her job and not finding a new one, and being very naive? Then one could say she was weak or ill advised. She might also come to regret what she did. I have known some people like that.
In that case the question is really how long would you be willing to wait, and how deep is your connection otherwise, so that it might make it worth to wait (or not).
On the other hand, if there is something deeper, either her support for other right wing issues, or her somehow relaxing and happily believing that she made the right decision, these would be full red flags that show that your values don’t align.
I can image that the emotional turmoil after the election is hard to separate from your anger at her. I would guess that at least some of the intensity of your reaction to her is a spillover of your general feelings-which is natural in such a crazy situation. That’s why in your situation i would probably try to wait a while, stall and calm down a bit and really figure out what is going on. And not make a decision just now, in this extreme moment.
So i agree that you are not overreacting. But technically you are still reacting to two things at the same time, that are somewhat connected, but not the same. This is probably the reason for your confusion. It’s all a bit much (understatement of the year).
Second writer: don’t cut out family who love you over this. I often think ill of my Trump loving cousin, feeling like since she supports him she basically wishes my child was never born (IVF, gay moms), but that’s not the case at all. She loves my kid, she gave us clothes that worked for her kids (easy stretch for those newborn limbs), she welcomed my partner so warmly to the first family event she ever came to all those years ago. It’s easy to think she is hateful for all of her political choices, but the interpersonal stuff is all so so kind and loving. I really wish I could understand why she loves Trump, but I don’t. It’s plain to see though that she loves and supports me and my family. Don’t cut off family who love and support you interpersonally. That will only increase isolation for everyone involved, including your kid.
I get the stress of all this right before your baby is born though. There’s a lot that is outside of your control right now, even your ability to do community building in a time that needs it. That’s ok. There is nothing to be gained by cutting people off at this moment in time.