The Tokidoki Unicorn Wand, the result of a collaboration between Tokidoki and Lovehoney and sent to Autostraddle by Good Vibrations, is my new favourite vibrator — as long as I don’t want to actually use it.

Aesthetically, it’s incredible. The soft, removable silicone head (for easy cleaning, if you ever actually wanted to use it for something that would require it; see below) is shaped like a unicorn head, with wide eyes like pools, ears, a delicate horn, and a shock of neon mane. The body is shaped nothing like a unicorn but has decal-like rainbows, lightening bolts, stars, and a heart and crossbones on it in playful colors. And single speed control wheel is an intuitive user interface that is easy to find with your fingers without looking, without taking anything away from the overall look.

I’ve been leaving it out on my desk just to look at. I want to show it to everyone who comes over. I want to Instagram it. I want to love it. But after testing, I just don’t want to use it.

Vibrators are meant to do more than just look pretty, especially when they cost about $120. The Tokidoki Unicorn Wand doesn’t. It’s loud. It’s buzzy. The wheel clicks heavily settings instead of precisely or smoothly scrolling between them. It’s electric, but not especially powerful. It got a little warm with even non-intensive and well-ventilated use. Even under the best possible circumstances, my orgasms with it are fully unremarkable, where they exist at all. The package reads — no, promises — that you’ll “release your hidden rainbow energy with sunshine, sparkles and a joyful treasure from the tokidoki pleasure collection” and “take a trip behind the magic waterfall and discover a wonderful world of starry-skied pleasure.” If I have hidden rainbow energy, I did not find it.

The noise is the first thing I noticed. Compared to my Magic Wand Rechargeable, it’s loud. So loud. “Can the neighbors hear this or should I turn on the air conditioning just to drown this out” loud. “Oh someone is using a leaf blower I guess I will masturbate while I have that for cover” loud. I review sex toys professionally. My embarrassment threshold when it comes to masturbation habits in my own home is pretty high. But using the Unicorn Wand, I couldn’t shake the feeling that everyone could hear what I was up to through the windows, even on the lowest setting.

Noise could be forgiven if the toy was so incredibly powerful that the orgasms erased any memory of self-consciousness, but here too the Unicorn Wand disappoints. The vibrations are buzzy, for one thing, even on the lowest settings. I found them not terrible if what I wanted was a tease, especially from one of the narrower points on the head, but a turn off if I actually wanted to come. Even very turned on, so close, and jamming the wand hard into my vulva with both hands, the vibrations felt extremely surface level and orgasm was elusive. And I also found myself not especially wanting it, either. When sensation is so shallow, so one-note, orgasm and satisfaction are not the same thing.

One of the benefits of electric vibrators is that, usually, they are incredibly powerful. This toy is not incredibly powerful. It is, at best, fine. One of the benefits of wand vibrators is that, usually, only the head vibrates. This means you get a generally targeted vibration, and that your hands don’t go numb holding the toy. My hands went numb holding this toy.

The Unicorn Wand does deserve points for an interestingly shaped head. I loved the few different textures and ability to go from broader to pinpoint vibrations without switching to a new toy. It would be neat if the horn were significant enough for penetration, but that would definitely alter the cutesy aesthetic. The unicorn-shaped outer head, which is a smooth, firm silicone, is also removable, which made cleanup easy. It covers a ridged ABS plastic head – when I tested the toy with the plastic head exposed, for science, the vibrations felt almost painfully buzzier but also slightly more powerful.

But I was promised rainbows, and this toy does not deliver.

On one hand, I found the Tokidoki Unicorn Wand incredibly disappointing. When I review toys that are not satisfying, I tend to throw them in the literal garbage, and this toy would normally fall into that category.

Except that, on the other hand, it just looks so cool.

I’m not saying that unique aesthetics make up for everything this toy lacks as a vibrator. Generally speaking, the point of vibrators is that they vibrate in a pleasing enough way to make a person come, or at least feel really really good, or at least not feel actively bad or numb or want to maybe do some laundry. I’m saying that if you want the principle of UNICORN VIBRATOR and care mostly about the unicorn part, this is the sex toy for you.

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