It’s hard to know how to feel as the pandemic crests past its year anniversary in the US; the obvious answer is “bad,” but at the same time it’s been long enough and our culture has been so insistent on getting “back to normal” that it can feel disorienting to acknowledge how much many of us are struggling. It’s easy to feel like you’re the only one who still doesn’t feel okay when you’re grieving and dealing with mental health challenges in a culture that doesn’t know how to make space for either; we wanted to take this time to be honest about what we’re struggling with most at this point so at least you know you aren’t alone.
Nicole, I’ve been struggling basically the whole pandemic with trauma from a past abusive relationship and I hadn’t been able to understand why it was so hard this year, when the relationship ended long before COVID, but you articulated it so perfectly. The isolation and mourning lost time are really so familiar.
Chloe!! Thank you so much for this comment. Yes, I’ve talked to another person about struggling with this, and it’s definitely a thing where it feels way too familiar. Thinking of you and sending extra love your way.
I wish some deeply restorative rest to all of you. You have all, and we have all, dealt with so much, and through all this you have managed to keep Autostraddle intact as well. That is a goddamn feat and I wish for you all plentiful accolades, gratitude, stability, and peaceful contentment.
Rachel! Thank you so much for sharing that, I do in fact feel relieved to know that someone else is having that same experience. I feel like I shouldn’t have any reason to feel so shitty…I’ve stayed employed, not gotten sick, not lost anyone to covid, it’s springtime…BUT I really am struggling to make good choices and get things done around the house and be productive at work and it’s like a never ending loop because then I feel bad for feeling bad! Thank you for articulating these feelings much better than I ever could. Being simultaneously fine and not fine is weird and confusing and the “fine” part makes me feel incredibly guilty that the “not fine” is there too.
Yes! I was coming to comment the same thing. The fine/not fine/guilt/guilt about feeling guilty is such constant daily spiral. And it’s always so good to hear it from other people.
Two of my coworkers from an old job have become good friends and we all three regularly text about how we can’t focus and can’t face work (or laundry or cooking another meal) – and its specifically good to know they are struggling with work too because they were such reliable and hard working teammates when we worked together.
Which is just to say I wish we could all learn to embrace and believe the things we tell other people about productivity not being important and nothing being okay right now.
At the start of lockdown the extra time and energy from no social obligations was so good, and I could get out a lot of my feelings through art and play. And the last few weeks it’s felt like I never have enough time for me even though I have nothing going on but work. I keep getting so frustrated with myself, like somehow it’s my fault that a year of isolation and horror playing out on a global scale has made being creative and playful harder.
This “fine/not fine” thing is very relatable. I’m in grad school for a subject I’m passionate about/deeply invested in and yet… I’m struggling to bring myself to complete assignments that would’ve been no trouble at all once upon a time. On the one hand, I know that rationally it makes sense to react this way to pandemic + insurrection + continued injustice + TX freezing over for a week, and yet I’m worried I’m f***ing myself over professionally like nobody’s business.
thank you all for sharing this, it has helped me so much! <3
Valerie Anne, I relate to everything you’ve written here. Thinking you were okay then realizing that you’re touch starved… the fear of it being too late to learn how to ask for help… oof. Too true.
I might never learn how to ask for help but at least I finally have a timeline for when I can feasibly hug some of my friends so hope is on the horizon. I wish this for you, too!
Same, @riese, same. Thank you for linking that article, I will read it. and I relate to lots of the things others contributed, too, f.i. @internrachel (plus I have to remind me that being without a job 8 months and counting is not nothing).
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holy shit i didn’t realize how much i needed to hear that other people are struggling and especially that there’s not always a specific reason or direct cause for it (really resonating w/ drew in this respect)… it’s so weird/bad to get a full night’s sleep and still feel exhausted… like i shouldn’t have bags under my eyes but maybe this is just my face now… anyway sending gratitude warmth to you all
Rachel: this is 100% how I feel.
<3 thank you
As a person who was disabled already before the pandemic, I want to thank you Hearher for sharing so openly and concretely.
count me as another person who needed to hear this <3
Thank you for sharing your stories.. I have nothing to complain about (as I tell myself in the bad feeling-guilt spiral) but this year still has been very hard. Just a very sad week without highlights, repeating itself over and over again
I am glad to know I am not the only one who gets in near panic when having to leave the house. “Fight-or-flight” mode put it so perfectly! I used to have no problem grocery shopping, now the thought of having to go makes me regret needing to eat to live. Existing is hard right now, thanks for sharing.
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I fucking hear ya'll. The past year has been such a unique hell in so many different ways, I just feel crushed all the time. + my chronic fatigue has been absolutely BANANAS for reasons that could be reaction to pandemic/grieving my grandfather who died from COVID in May/iron deficiency?/who even knows what else but I am lucky if I can walk around and do things four hours a day and that is also self-defeating amidst a world that feels like it's defeating itself. I just feel stuck no matter what I do.
Heather, I really connected with what you wrote. I have a post-viral illness with symptoms similar to yours – though in my case the virus was mono, 14 years ago. I also went by myself, rather than with someone to help, to get my shot last week. I thought if I walked slowly I could handle the stretch from the disabled parking area to the building. But halfway there, I could see through open doors that people were standing in line. Lately my heart rate spikes if I stand in place, and the racing heart quickly runs through all the energy I have. For some reason, I’d pictured a waiting area with chairs, and I’d left my portable stool in the car. Which was now, by my standards, far-ish away. Stress also spikes the pulse, so I worked at staying calm. Rather than sit on the wet ground, I squatted there in the parking lot and got the attention of a man directing traffic. He called a volunteer with a wheelchair, who pushed me through the rest of the vaccination. A fire alarm went off and I spent about 15 minutes trying to be normal before using the earplugs I had in my bag. When the alarm finally quit and I took them out, I realized the environment was so loud I should have worn them even before the alarm.
I hear – OK, read – other people looking forward to getting back to normal(er), and I realize that, for me, the end of covid may bring more isolation. I’m sicker than I was a year ago – maybe stress and isolation are unhealthful? – and when my meditation group and my public library book group start meeting in person, I may not be able to go. It’s also daunting to think of resuming what I used to do to take myself out into the world. I used to carry a yoga mat, which I lay on at parties, the library, the DMV, the office where I volunteered, etc. It was always hard to make the decision to feel that conspicuous and to take up floor space. I don’t exactly look forward to doing it again.
Thank you all for your honesty and vulnerability and openly wrestling with a lot of complex feelings that as evidenced by the comments very much resonate with our community.
I feel a lot of things y’all said, but particularly appreciate the reminder from Rachel that struggling right now is not a personal failing, but abandonment and disregard by institutions and systems. I am someone who constantly struggles to find the line between personal responsibility and systemic oppressions/realities, and often default to taking on way too much of the former because it’s easier, albeit a lot more exhausting and painful.
So many relatable things. I posted a poll for Instagram friends asking what people miss the most and my dad responded “hugging people” and that simple fucking social media interaction has been haunting me.
Drew – me too! the person in my family who was the only one I could feel fully safe & myself with died (of very old age, and with a lot of celebration of their life), and the physical/soul pain & fear of the grief was when I was like ‘oh thiiiisss is why ppl do drugs.’ i don’t have a history with substances but i do with self harm, and choosing to just keep sit with feeling awful is. . . interesting. not quite convinced but i keep choosing the sitting thru, just to see what happens. which is usually that in 6-24 hrs i will emerge from the pain. sitting thru it is good, but so hard, and harder to do the less support there is. i’ve had a lot of support, including plant medicine and my fab therapist who lets me just sit in silent pain with her for our entire video chat appointment.
Thanks for sharing these. I’m also really not okay, and I had this tab open waiting for a moment I felt like I could face reading it, and I’m glad I came back to it.
I also moved to a new country in the middle of the pandemic and have been very alone, and I also had about a month where I felt really bad about an abusive relationship from my past, so it was interesting to read Nicole’s perspective on that. Lot of abuse stories coming up this week huh, also in the advice column. Maybe this is something we can speak more about, as a community?
Yes, it took me almost a month to be able to read this article. And wow… Valerie Anne has put my feelings into words.