Smear to the VIP Tent, where the rest of the cast is hanging out with their tattoos flapping in the wind. Lauren interviews that Kiyomi makes her feel good in the hood and hard like wood but she’s not cool with the rumor that Kiyomi’s got another lady back in New York with the personality of a plastic fork.
Monster Mash Kiyomi’s taking a time out in favor of Lovecrush Kiyomi, who’s way more honest and sometimes even insecure and occassionally funny!
Lauren demands the complete scoop, so they canoodle on a loveseat and Kiyomi explains that she and Ali weren’t a monogomous couple, which’s why the twosome kept getting into trouble. Although Kiyomi stayed with Ali for a week, the outlook remains ultra-bleak, they’re not living together and probs never will, ’cause their relationship, like this rhyme, is due for a kill.
Anyhow, Lauren’s like, oh totally, and then Kiyomi is like, let’s just be best best friends!! And then Lauren is like, hahaha, and then Kiyomi is like, har-har-har-, and then Lauren is like, let’s go make out on the grass in front of everybody, like farm animals do, and Kiyomi’s like, okay, and then they do.
Lauren: “I feel like I should put some clothes on but I don’t have any clothes.”
Kiyomi: “That is okay with me.”
Surprise!
Amanda: “All of a sudden I turn around and Lauren and Kiyomi are like, gone. So either they’re fucking in the bathroom, or they’re like staring into each others eyes or they’re like, lost in a bush somewhere.”
Oh also, Laura is hooking up with somebody while fantasizing about Intern Grace:
So it’s the White Party. I know it’s mind-boggling ’cause last episode took place on Friday, the day of the Dinah Dingbat Dating Game, and the White Party also happened on Friday night, as indicated by the Dinah Shore 2012 Schedule and the virginal attire cloaking the entirety of Romi’s pre-party dinner situation last week, and I think for this episode, we’re supposed to believe that today is Saturday and the White Party is gonna happen on Saturday night even though it didn’t. This is some crazy-ass shit, kids. I know this will come as a shock to you but — hold your tampons — that’s just editing magic!
Who knows what could happen next!
With this show, you never know!
One thing’s for sure, this gang is ready to meet the night!
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“I look like a fucking guy on a Neil Diamond tour,” Kiyomi observes, spying herself as a Vision in White. Somebody suggests black pants, probably Lizz. Vero and Kiyomi stroll — like seriously they are doing some power-strolling — on over to that evening’s fun-filled activity as Vero teases/questions Kiyomi about her romp in the grass HAY! with Lauren, who you may remember because she has pink hair for some reason.
At the bar, Kiyomi continues to agonize over her potential vulnerability:
Kiyomi: “I can’t hang out with that girl anymore.”
Vero: “Why not?”
Kiyomi: “Because I have a crush on her.”
Laura: “That’s fine.”
Kiyomi: “No, it’s not okay, because I don’t wanna like anybody.”
Laura interviews that Lauren’s got transformative powers:
Laura: “Kiyomi and Lauren just met and she seems to be really, really happy, like she’s not the way she was when she was with Ali.”
Amanda interviews about how Kiyomi seems sketchy and how Lauren was all like “I’m gonna be single” and look who’s laughing now and really, this is hilarious, ’cause they’re both obsessed with each other! There’s no genuine power disparity between them, the person in power is fluid and depends on which of the two of them is coupled up. Or maybe that’s not jealousy and they’re just two girls who have been best friends for a long time speaking their own language, a language only they understand. You know what I mean.
Anyhow, the whole gang’s super-eager to hit up the red carpet at Dinah Shore!
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Kiyomi notes that this is her first time on a red carpet at Dinah Shore. But really, they’ll let anybody on the red carpet. See?
At the White Party, Team Whitney gathers in an exclusionary physical arrangement to discuss how Romi’s super-fake and super-shady and super-bitchy and super-terrible and probably eats babies and definitely doesn’t compost and absolutely sells poisoned lemonade to homeless LGBT youth. Romi, on the other side of the room, attempts to smile and interact with other human beings while the Mean Girls fill her airspace with negativity.
She interviews:
Romi: “I don’t wanna be yelled at or attacked. But I’m always gonna show up whether they’re there or not, I’m gonna hold my head up high.”
Besides, Romi insists, she and Kelsey are dancing, full of sober cheer, and having a TIME. They decide to dip out and return to their Love Shack while enthusiastically discussing what sober fun they just had, which’s sweet. Also this girl Vero is with looks like Tucky from Girl/Girl Scene.
Also at The White Party, Lauren and Kiyomi are playing tonsil-hockey and Amanda’s playing shit-stirrer, telling Sara there’s “something off” about Kiyomi while Kiyomi interviews that she’s yet to recover from hearing that Amanda’s spreading rumors about Ali housing an additional tenant, which specifically violates the strict terms of her lease. Kiyomi slips a battle-axe into her suspenders and confronts Amanda, who’s dressed like a concierge who lost his pants in an alligator accident.
Only Goddess knows what harsh words passed between the two space ghosts that evening, we can only watch from afar, our mouths agape with wonder.
Kiyomi: “I’m not gonna cave in to you being a dick.”
Amanda: “Alright, well –”
Kiyomi: “You think that I’m an asshole? Let’s just both keep it on an equal level playing field, okay?”
Amanda interviews that she’s shocked by Kiyomi’s confrontational manner:
Amanda: “Nobody calls me on my shit. Dude, if you do wanna get with my friend, I am like the last person you should fight with. Come on. You do not want me to not like you. It’s like — you’re not gonna win.”
In other words:
Lauren notes that she’s got beer in her hotel room so Kiyomi’s like, lez go. It actually may have been the other way around, I can’t recall. Somebody has beer in their hotel room. You’ll have to just take my word for it.
The next morning or perhaps a different morning from another stardate, Kiyomi and Lauren awake in one another’s arms, snug as two gay bugs in a rug, and proceed to make out some more despite gnarly morning breath.
Kiyomi: “I knew right away that she was gonna steal my heart. Like, immediately.”
Maybe it’s the haircut, but in this interview Kiyomi seems like a teenage boy with a crush, and she seems to tender! I think when butch/masculine dykes get all tender it’s like the most tender thing of all the things. It’s more tender than even chicken tenders, or TenderRomi.
Everybody has feelings! Let’s dance on the ceiling!
Kiyomi: “And that’s trouble for me. That’s trouble for a person who’s constantly trying to keep it protected and not give it away to anybody and not give it away to anybody.”
Kiyomi: “I know that I have feelings for her already, and it makes me nervous.”
Also nerve-wracking is that girl from New York, Ali-Bo-Balli!
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Kiyomi makes up her mind once and for all: she’s going to have to put a hit out on her ex-girlfriend. Just kidding! She sort of throws her phone onto a chair instead.
Following bittersweet balcony kisses, Kiyomi returns to Hunter Valentine HQ, where I’m expecting Vero to be canoodling with some hot bitch but instead she’s just looking sexy as fuck on this bed while discussing Kiyomi’s relationship problems with Kiyomi.
So apparently Ali’s coming in for the next day’s Real L Word photoshoot although it’s worth mentioning that Ali is not in any of the photos from the photoshoot, so Showtime probably could’ve saved themselves the $500 plane ticket and instead purchased me a box of Cheez-Its and two sessions with a therapist to process what this show has done to my intellectual capabilities.
Kiyomi: “I feel like it’s over. She’s so difficult.”
Kioymi’s not spoken to Ali since she arrived in Palm Springs and Vero suggests Kiyomi consider a firmer “we’re broken up” convo. In other words:
Elsewhere in sunny Palm Springs, California, Kacy/Cori and Kelsey/Romi are gathering for tee-time, which’s about 50% as fun as tea-time but involves cute matching outfits, apparently.
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I prefer miniature golf, but to each their own:
Romi: “Let’s stroke some shit.”
Romi’s golfing talent is sub-par (oh my lord, I’m using sub-par in the actual context that “sub-par” comes from!), Kelsey is surprisingly adept, and the entire foursome is simply happy as clams to be out in the sunshine on a golf course far far far away from The Smoking Hot Go-Gos at the Cabana Girl Pool Party.
The couple interviews:
Kelsey: “I love hanging out with Cori and Kacy.”
Romi: “They’re sweet. They’re good people and I think it’s nice to have couples around us that are married. I mean, we want to be married like that and start a family one day.”
Kelsey: “I wanna be married more than anything.”
Oh, reader! The way Kelsey says, “I wanna be married more than anything” is so tender, probably one thousand times more tender than Kiyomi was in her interview with her Zac Efron hair. Kelsey is just so tender here, on par with when I asked my ex what she wanted in a relationship and she said, “I just want to be loved like a puppy is loved,” and my whole entire heart swelled with love for her AND also for puppies.
Back at The Last Day Pool Party, the ladies are chilling in their VIP tent and wrapping up the week’s dramas. Before long, Kiyomi and Lauren sneak off together like bunny rabbits in heat.
Kiyomi interviews that she’s sad Dinah’s over ’cause she’s fallen for Lauren. Then Kiyomi tells Lauren that Lauren likes it rough, but Lauren is like no, and Kiyomi is like yeah you do, and Lauren is like, I like everything and I like it soft, and then Kiyomi is like, I don’t believe you, and then Lauren is like, I’ll show you right now, and so then they head upstairs to remove each other’s clothing and I head downstairs to hang myself from a ceiling fan.
Don’t know why you wanna blow it,
Need a girl who likes it rough, likes it rough, likes it rough
TIME FOR MUFFINS AND/OR A NOONER!!
Alas! Kiyomi and Lauren’s steamy sexual session is interrupted by Amanda, Sara and Whitney, who have returned from The Pool for some Indoor Sports. Everybody jumps on the bed and then Kiyomi takes Amanda to go get ice, probably because they’re actually friends and not enemies as the show would like us to think, leaving Lauren playfully wedged between a sexually excited Whitney and Sara. Before long, things get a little sexy.
Lauren: “It’s Dinah, i’m intoxicated, Whitney and Sara making out is pretty hot, so I’m gonna jump in.”
Yannow, I gotta say same-sex couples really have an advantage when it comes to erotic thirds and threesomes in general. Although the general public would like to imagine that we’re all strictly monogamous lumberjacks making jam in Vermont while marathoning Bad Girls, many lesbians are in fact threesome enthusiasts. It may be the only thing we can pull off with less feelings than totally hetero couples can. Sometimes.
Sarahara observes:
Sara: “Lauren is hot. Whitney is hot. Put them together and it could be a sexy explosion.”
Kiyomi and Amanda return with ice to find a steamy situation in need of ice:
Kiyomi: “Crazy shit happens at Dinah Shore, it was a little strange to walk into that scene, I just don’t really wanna be involved in some weird lesbian love triangle.”
Kiyomi seems a bit disoriented and takes a drunken Lauren outside to chat. Lauren interviews that maybe Kiyomi fancies her more than she’d initially suspected. Now they can go to The Snowdance Prom Party Fiesta at the mall together with other woodland creatures!
Kiyomi & Lauren are joined intermittently by Amanda who chants softly, “somebody’s jealous” while Kiyomi attempts to maintain her tough masculine exterior while feeling soft.
Whitney: “I mean the make out is totally not a big deal but if you’re walking into a room with a girl that you’re just starting to hook up with and a couple, what’s gonna happen here? Are they about to do like a triple scissor next? What would that look like? It’s like double trouble.”
