Real L Word 305 Recap: I Wasn’t Expecting This To Be So Bitchy

Cut to Wendy’s Pretty Palm Springs Party for Pleasure Pirates, where Whitney and the other Romi Haters have gathered to kick off Club Skirts World-Famous Dinah Shore Weekend Party!!!

remember when britney spears did this and everybody saw her hoo-ha

I’ve just decided to try eating peanut butter m+m’s with raspberries. Do you think that will be good? I feel like I’ve done similar things at Yogurt Stop. Anyhow, Amanda’s semi-stoked to see Kiyomi and the boozy flirting begins immediately, much to Amanda’s chagrin:

Amanda: “I’ve seen Kiyomi’s persona and how she just tries to put on this aura that she is like unotuchable and I don’t like her, I think she’s a cocky obnoxious asshole.”

good eye

Donna/Somer show up, and Kiyomi makes a passive aggressive comment and Somer is like whatever, let’s move on, but Kiyomi can’t move on ’cause she’s stupid.

you’re here just in time for us to get drunk and ignore you

Sara thinks Kiyomi’s hot, and Whitney thinks Kiyomi’s not. It’s interesting how consistently the more masculine member of a lesbian couple will speak with complete disgust about the potential attractiveness of another masculine lady. Like okay, okay, we get it, you’re a bro and some bros don’t do other bros (but some do!), but like, do you need to make that face?

Sara: “I think that Kiyomi is hot and so is Lauren and I think that, why not —
Whitney: “Honestly I think Amanda might be a little jealous of the situation —”
Sara: “I think she just wants Lauren’s attention, that’s what I think.”

Well she can have it!

is there anyone else we can talk shit about or do we have to find a new way to make our boring storyline relevant to this tepid teevee program

Thank you, Whitney and Sara.

Basically this scene is Kiyomi and Lauren flirting while everyone else comments on Kiyomi and Lauren flirting.

Kiyomi: “She gives me butterflies in my stomach and I feel like a teenager around her.”

i don’t want to meet your mom i just want bang bang bang

There’s also a super-special bathroom scene where Kiyomi’s trying to makeout and Lauren’s giving her the fakeout and asking like, “do you have to go to the bathroom?” and Kiyomi gives her the evil Joker grin and is like, “no,” and I’m like DUH because um, the camera man doesn’t come with you to watch you pee, does he? Mhm.

because that facial expression you’re always making just screams “constipation”

Look, Lauren inspires Kiyomi to be self-depricating!

Kiyomi: “Are you trying to shatter my ego right now? It’s not gonna work ’cause it’s too big.”

Amanda’s totally grossed out. And also, a bottom!

Amanda: “Normally Lauren is like, the one in power and she’s like definitely and a top and that’s sort of what makes her like, more attractive and now like, seeing her as like this submissive girl to like this more masculine lesbian it’s just like a turnoff from every angle. I’m just like ew.“

fyi

Whitney “smells a fish” and Sarahara says “People seem to be so excited. I don’t know what the big deal is.” Seriously guys. I mean, Romi Flinger still exists, and baby harp seals die every day. So many b-er d’s out there.

Back at Romi and Kelsey’s Famous Suite For Famous Important People, Romi and Kelsey are tired of the haters and ready to pack it in… TO EACH OTHER.

i think this is part of showtime’s “redefining late night” campaign

I don’t know what to say, guys!

Cut to our Dear Friends Cori and Kacy, who have to work “from morning until the night” at their jobs and therefore are arriving at Dinah Shore mega-late and ultra-tired.

let’s unpack real fast and see if we can still make it to the white party

Perhaps still unsure how they were roped into this nonsense to begin with, KayCor spoons with all their clothes on and Kacy jokes about making babies at Dinah Shore, to add to all the grown-ups already acting like babies at Dinah Shore!

kacy’s next line was “but not for lack of trying” (verbatim)

Back at somebody’s hotel, somewhere, Lauren and Kiyomi have busted into a vacant swimming pool to get a little wet and maybe touch each other’s private parts or something.

you’re not even on my Palm Springs regional rep roster or anything

Anyhow, this scene’s clearly a ripoff of this scene:

Kiyomi just can’t help herself:

Kiyomi: “I can’t deny what I’m feeling and I can’t deny my chemistry with Lauren. I haven’t felt this way in a really long time.”

Although I wouldn’t complain if Vero threw Kiyomi off a cliff, she’s almost cute here ’cause she’s so just so purely incredibly smitten with Lauren, like she’s not even putting on airs. I think it’s ’cause she knows Lauren could see through it, and maybe she appreciates the challenge.

Cut to the morning after: Amanda awakens with an unexpected human in her bed — is it Whitney? Is it Sarah Croce? Is it a Klingon? Nope, it’s Ruby!

look mom i have morning breath

They didn’t hook up though, so. Just crashed.

but was there some staking? there may have been some staking.

Amanda: “Where’s Lauren?”
Ruby: “She’s inside Hunter Valentine.”

Right-o, and onward ho to Kiyomi and Lauren’s honeymoon suite, where they’re seemingly rising with the dawn, considering Kiyomi’s ultra-early mega-important famous celebrity soundcheck at 8:30 AM. It would appear Kiyomi and Lauren mingled limbs last night.

“omg my thumb still smells like your asshole”

Amanda and Kiyomi exchange some morning pleasantries before Amanda re-dresses and emerges into the scorching Palm Springs morning sunshine along with at least 1,000 other lesbians performing the perfunctory and brief “walk of shame” from one hotel to another.

Amanda: “Lauren just like rolls back in like smiles for miles, like skipping back into the room, like obviously after boning Kiyomi last night and it was so obnoxious.”

thank god we got to see amanda shower, i’d been wondering what kind of conditioner she uses

Amanda asks if Lauren slept with Kiyomi and Lauren says she did and Amanda gets super passive-aggressive about it.

are you ten days ago

Amanda: “I just don’t find Kiyomi attractive. so when I think of my best friend fucking Kiyomi, it’s gross.”

I’m pretty sure this was when the episode more or less ended? In any event, I changed my mind, this shit is fucking hilarious.