Back in the Ovulation Station, Cori’s chilling on the couch, waiting to ovulate and talking about sperm. Other topics include sperm, how to get sperm inside a lady and an upcoming visit from Mom. Kacy organizes the couch pillows. “I can tell you’re nervous,” says Cori.
Kacy: “THESE PILLOWS DON’T EVEN MATCH!”
Cori: “I know that you really wanted to like, push it in, and I know that’s important to you because you feel so outside of this process but I feel like I’m gonna be up there staring at the ceiling and for me I would love to have you up there with me, holding my hand.”
Kacy agrees ’cause these two have a good relationship and never fight.
Today my executive editor Laneia, who watched The Real L Word along with me last year as was documented in our HILARIOUS recaps and who is not watching with me this year because I’m not buying Showtime for anyone this year, downloaded a pirated episode this morning so she could see what all my crying was about.
So as I was attempting to assemble this brilliant recap, Laneia was providing me periodic updates of her viewing experience.
This is her story.
We return to Claire’s Boudior, where she’s having another enthralling phone conversation, this time with her sister. Claire’s childhood is really gonna surprise you:
Claire: “I have two older sisters, I’m the baby of the family. Uh my older sister Rachel would describe me as the most spoiled one of the family. I kinda got away with murder, I still get away with murder.”
Everyone in Claire’s family loves Vivian. I think Urban Outfitters made a t-shirt about that. Claire’s totally gonna make it work, dude!
Parting words from the sister:
Laneia: Claire is like a blonde, tanned dude in a polo shirt w/ a popped collar and khakis and loafers, unironically, but she’s a girl.
We cut to the Hospital, where Cori is on a table and Kacy is standing next to her, talking about sperm. Let’s just go for it. Let’s just get that hot manjuice into somebody’s secret box.
Cori’s got her legs up and her feet cocked and Kacy wants to take a picture ’cause they’re lesbians and that’s what lesbians do.
Cori: “I can’t believe we’re here”
Me neither! This is boring!
We return to the Palace of Penis-Worship, where Caes and his penis have arrived to save the day for the lesbian couple who are already getting inseminated at the hospital.
Caes’ fluffer girlfriend (she got a lower third, Robin Roemer didn’t, just saying), Whitney, is in the house:
Furthermore, the poor man’s Whitney is in town:
Caes is a special kind of straight man who is “completely open to the experience of us handling his dick, and incredibly excited about the idea of lesbians all over the world using his private parts to get pregnant.”
To be fair, Caes seems like a sweet guy and this is a funny scene — but I can’t appreciate it outside of the context of this being a show advertised in Argentina as “the show for women that every man will want to watch.”
See, there’s a lonely lesbian in the Midwest for whom this show is her only hour-long real queer power hour. This show, sadly enough, is her only respite from the co-ed universe.
Men are fantastic creatures of course and I enjoy watching men make jokes with their penises on a variety of television programs but This is Our Lesbian Show. And the fact that so much of this episode was wrapped up in this straight-male-penis situation felt like, for lack of a better analogy, a complete slap in the face.
So, Caes and his girlfriend frolic off to have sex in the other room to get Caes’s penis ready for the mold. So we hear straight sex noises as Whitney creeps around the bedroom, listening to Caes’s moans and grunts. Why would any lesbian who isn’t BFFs with Caes want to hear this?
Once Caes gets hard, he then runs from the bedroom into the kitchen to stick his penis in the plaster, but it keeps getting limp, so he’s gotta return to the sex and its respective sex noises.
Rinse, wash, repeat.
Caes to his girlfriend: “I have a roomful of girls out there waiting on this dick.”
The show splices this up with some clips of Whitney talking about awkward things and penises and what we’ve got here is an episode of Big Brother After Dark.
Thanks for the close-up:
Whitney compares “keeping the dick hard” to “like aging fine wine.” Okay now she’s just reading this shit on coasters, right? Keeping a dick hard is the opposite of aging fine wine. Christ, whatever! Awkward!
In conclusion:
Romi’s sent Rachel home with her boss so she can be alone in the car with Drew for The Roast of Kelsey Chavarria.
Romi’s debating following her overall emotional state (to be standoffish and irritated with Kelsey) over her True Heart’s Desire (neverending love).
Drew: “She can [pick herself up]! People take their hits in life and then they get up and move forward.”
Romi: “That’s what I said!”
Drew: “You don’t sit and cry for two days she should be out there looking for a job, shit!”
Romi: “That’s what I said!”
Obviously, I’m in agreement and would be out there looking for a job, shit. But if Kelsey wants to spend one post-firing day drinking Dr.Pepper & Malibu while watching Family Guy marathons and maybe buying some knives off an infomercial at 3am? Let the woman have her peace.
Romi: “I know who I am, I know what I want, and Kelsey is the opposite. She needs somebody to guide her. She needs someone to direct her and that’s part of growing up.”
Drew suggests she let Kelsey hit rock bottom as it’s “the only way she’s gonna learn.” Okay Mr.Interventionist. It’s like The Wire and Drew is Barksdale and Kelsey is Wallace and Romi is Bodie. You follow? Also “murder” is “breakup.”
Back at Romi’s Resort, Kelsey’s spent the day on craigslist “printing things out” and doing the 2011-equivalent of “pounding the pavement.” So what now, Crafty Cake?
Romi doesn’t know how to feel/act, bla bla bla:
OH THANK GOD back to Sir Mix-a-Lot-of-Stuff-Around-His-Penis! Are you ready for your closeup, because I think Caes’s penis is.
Hahahaha he can’t keep his dick hard LOL! Guess he’s gonna have to keep it up himself! I bet you thought you wouldn’t get to see a cisgender dude jerk off on this show but SURPRISE!
Hahaha they finally got it to stay omg yay!
Whitney: “Caes, I am holding your dick right now.”
And then — ’cause we’ve not seen enough private parts this week — Caes whips off his towel, providing us with a full frontal! The girls laugh. They’re lesbians! Lesbians laugh and are obsessed with penises and the things that come out of them! Yay!
This goes on for forty years too long. Puppies, sing my song of sorrow:
Cori and Kacy are heading back to the doctor — sidenote, I love how Cori/Kacy don’t even address this object that Whitney’s allegedly making for them (because she’s not! It’s just a stupid thing to get a penis into the show!) — when they get a phone call from the gyno: the second specimen died in the transmorgaphier overnight or something and now can’t blast off into outer space/vadgeggland.
Kacy hugs Cori as Cori bawls and says, “it’s ok, it’s gonna be okay,” and I gotta tell you, right now, after all of that, I wish Kacy could hug me and tell me it’s gonna be okay.
What do you think, Marissa?
