“Funny business, a woman’s career…”
Shanna has got this shit on lockdown. She’s letting chicks try on bras and everything.
Mikey has woken up and is trudging to work. She is “disappointed in herself” because nothing is more important than her clients. “Without them I would have no business,” says Mikey, at which point a passing bird squeaks THANKS CAPTAIN OBVIOUS, in passing. Luckily Mikey’s got Hangover Outfit on standby:
Funny Thing, I Was Planning on Wearing These Sunglasses Anyhow
Mikey’s clients are her NUMBER ONE PRIORITY and she will NOT LET THEM DOWN.
Laneia: Hm, not true. Cocktails seem to be pretty important.
Carly: it goes 1) clients 2) boozin’
Yawny Blow Job Face
Mikey is making up for lost time by talking with extreme enthsiasm towards everyone and giving her A+ eval of Shanna in her best PTA meeting voice on voiceover.
Carly: What is with her blazers?!
Riese: Nobody wants to talk to you.
Laneia: Blazah
Carly: Blazer-related intervention time.
Laneia: Truth.
Carly: I thought she was gonna puke on that lady. That would have been amazing television.
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#cullencollar
Whitney, Alyssa, Tor & Scarlett are going to a club that sounds like “The Cracker Club.” The girls are growing up: we got all the way to the bar without suffering through the standard bar backstory about how it’s the hottest night and all the hottest girls will be there and everybody is so hot and famous!
Riese: What’s the cracker club?
Laneia: Every club we ever go to?
Hahaha You’re Like the “Shane” right Tell me you’re like the Shaneeee!”
At some point, a number of words spoken by Whitney are tossed together into a voiceover mashup salad that sounds almost– but not quite — like an actual sentence. Something about there being some drama lately but that things have been good with TOR.
BUT WAIT? Where are Scarlett & Tor?!! Alyssa explains that it’s her fault the two may or may not be sharing a toilet seat:
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Yes, we all know what happens If You Seek Amy.
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Carly: OH SNAPS! TOR + SCARLETT 4 EVA
Riese: SCARLETT + TOR! OMG! SCARLETTOR! TORLET!
Carly: TORLETT! YES!
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Oh But We Are.
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Riese: TORELETT! I’m shipping Torlett!
Laneia: Scarlettor sounds like a dinosaur though!
Riese: I know.
Laneia: I love it.
Riese: It might be a dinosaur named Scarlettor OR a tiny pastry called Torlett.
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Option #1:
Option #2:
Let us know.
In the meantime, Edward & Alyssa have their eye on your whereabouts:
I Listen In You Should Know This
Suddenly Whitney mentions that she was already having a bad night, so really the fact that Tor & Scarlett are in the same room is no biggie. I mean she has feelings, maybe, she’ll think about them. But no blood in her body.
Last week and this week, we’ve learned an important lesson about Whitney which I believe was best said in the early ’90s on Boy Meets World by Cory Matthew, in conversation with his girlfriend Topanga, with whom he was engaging in a non-committed situation (rest assured the two eventually married):
Topanga: “We’re supposed to see other people.”
Cory:“I’m supposed to see other people, you’re supposed to wait until I die.”
But, if Whit is a vampire, as we suspect, will any of these ladies ever escape the Power of the Clam? DUM DUM DUM text your answer! Also, so far no proof that Scarlett & Tor even touched each other, so.
Carly: It’s like when Carmen and Jenny were hooking up. Except Shane was like, “Whatever, I don’t care.”
Laneia: Also: #ponytail.
Carly: Yes.
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True Life: I Like to Fight and Drive
Rose & Nat are in the car under unflattering lighting. Rose reveals that for the first few months of their relationship, Nat referred to Rose as her boyfriend Robert when she was talking to her Mom. Why, when Nat’s already got two out & proud siblings? Silly rabbit, interesting questions are not welcome here. Return to your novel.
Riese: True Life camera
Laneia: #truelifecamera
Good things they’re having dinner, ’cause Rose could “use a glass of wine.”
Riese: Rose brings gigantic bouquets everywhere.
Laneia: That’s how you show love in the Spanish community.
Riese: Si, with a giant tree. Personally I prefer edible flowers made of pineapple, just ask the Vegas.
Nat’s Mom has been sick for six months and has been in and out of the hospital. With what? Stop asking questions and go watch a French film or something.
I Saw a Stripper’s Boobs And You Don’t Know It
Nat’s sister, Leslie, came out when she was 14. Nat’s Mom stood up to her Mom when her Mom wasn’t cool with Leslie’s lesbianism, just like Spencer’s Mom on South of Nowhere that one time! Nat’s Mom RULES!
Nat’s Mom: “Too bad.This is my kid and I love my kid.”
This makes Rose miss her Mom even more, EXCEPT WE STILL DON’T FIND OUT WHY THEY’RE NOT SPEAKING.
Carly: Hahaha. Hola!
Riese: Her mom must be gay right? Y u Mama tambien, etc
Laneia: You could kill someone with those lilies.
Everyone toasts to eternal happiness and peace on Earth.
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This Stick Will Go Right Up Your Ass if You Lay a Finger on my Lady
Whitney wants to know if Scarlett is interested in Tor. Because if she is…
Whitney: “I could never control anybody and I would never block anybody from hooking up, so I have zero place…”
Scarlett: “And I have zero desire.”
Whitney: “No, that’s not true.”
Surely Whitney can see through herself, right?
Carly: Scarlett side boob!
Riese: Whitney Vampire. What if Whitney was a vampire. I think she is for real.
Carly: I think she is. We usually only see her at night
Riese: I know I wish Scarlett would turn into a wolf.
Laneia: OMG! Like Twilight for Men FOR LESBIANS.
Riese: Scarletor!
Laneia: Whitney if you bitch about Scarlett fucking Tor I will punch you.
Riese: TORLETTTTTTT
Carly: I’m on team Scarlett
We pause for a little interlude starring That Crazy Drunk Girl. You know the one:
OK OK So So I Actually Turn into a Couples Therapist When I’m Drunk BUT LOUDER
Riese: This happens to us all the time! Some crazy girl shows up and asks us questions like she knows us!
Carly: Whoa who is this girl in her backyard?
Riese: I’M SERIOUS
Carly: Hahahah this is amazing, my god, I am dying.
The girl sits down and has been listening to everything and has words of advice for Tor and Whitney, who are now sharing a Special Moment.
Riese: I feel like this happens a lot!
Carly: Yes, they just show up and start dancing!
Riese: LIKE A LOT! Yes!
Carly: I cannot stop laughing
Riese: Like who invited you? Twitter is not an invitation!
Carly: FOURSQUARE IS NOT AN INVITATION
Riese: I thought it was?
Carly: Like the fucking narrator just showed up. This is amazing.
The drunk girl has lots of questions, like “You wana fuck her?” and “Why do you have to be done with her right now?”
This is SO COOL I’M ON TV
If this was McDonald’s, this is when the manager would call the cops to make the homeless guy stop asking us for our money and leave, but alas the whole world is not McDonald’s.
Eventually they escape The Crazy Girl.
Two Girls Together Just a Little Less Alone
Back inside, Tor & Scarlett are being flirty while looking at photos, maybe of Whitney. Then! Suddenly! Tor is attracted by Whitney’s magnetic clamforce. She abandons her time with Scarlett for Whitney, who is lying on the chair sulking BUT NOT BECAUSE SHE CARES OR ANYTHING.
Riese: AUTOSTRADDLE!
Carly: OH
Riese: You guys
Laneia: Ugh
Carly: Oh god are they gonna have a threesome?
Laneia: This is so awkward.
Riese: This makes total sense, this always happens.
Laneia: I’m going to suffocate under all this awk.
Riese: The flesh is sad.
Riese: Please punch her already.
Carly: PLEASE PUNCH HER
Laneia: What the fuck is even happening
Riese: I feel like whenever you start joking about wanting to punch someone in the face, it’s over.
TIME TO TAKE THIS SHIT TO THE BEDROOM:
Carly: Oh god what does her tramp stamp say?
Riese: “GET ME OUT OF HERE.” or something in Chinese.
Carly: It’s a Sun Tzu quote in Latin.
Whitney rationalizes being into Tor now, and having feelings for her, because Tor just “put her in her place.” Take a drink for the rationalization, ladies, it is time for bed!
The Thing Is, In New York, It’s Less Sunny, So My Sunglasses Seem Even More Out of Place
Mikey and Shanna recap the weekend, it’s riveting. Shanna says New York was a “disaster”/”letdown.” Mikey says, “Apparently sober people don’t like it when you drunk dial them like 50 times.” Live and learn, Mikester, live and learn.
It’s Never Sunny in New York City
Mikey: “This is the last time that this can happen with me. Not that I’m an alcoholic, not that I have a drinking problem, it’s just not the reality of what’s gonna happen with my business. I can’t be putting myself in a position where I’m missing work or not 100%, because I am the team leader of my business. And if I don’t feel good, I’m bringing the energy level down with my employees. I really need to be 100%”
Riese: Did someone request a Brinker International training video?
Laneia: Taylor’s a team leader. I’m a team leader. I don’t think you are a team leader.
Riese: I did not buy your inspirational audio casette.
Carly: This is not The Secret.
And then they drive off into the sunset! What will happen next time?
Riese: Oh good it ended slightly early today!
Carly: The biggest question of all is why is the Little Chicken thing sped up?
Laneia: I only watch this show so I can get to the baby chicken.
Hopefully Whitney won’t get to it first, because it’s almost time for a feeding amirite…
