We zip northwards to Brooklyn, where Laura is femmed out and full of love and food, throwing a dinner party for her friends ’cause her Mom is in town and Mom nixed the “go to Cubbyhole” plan and they love to cook. They just LOVE to cook! And eat! And cook and eat and drink with friends!
Look at all these friends, all dressed in black like the busboys at The Olive Garden!
Somer’s unavailable so Donna has arrived in her stead.
Also present?
Amanda has to step out for her scheduled call with Lauren while everybody else witnesses the final plating and delivery of the evening meal. Lauren’s jealous of Amanda’s geographical situation and they miss each other so Lauren decides to hop a plane. Will Kiyomi pee/come in her pants in excitement, or will she yell “you can’t just hop a a plane and come and visit me again?” Let’s find out!
Amanda: “I was just on the phone with Lauren. She’s gonna come out. Do you think that’s scary?”
Kiyomi: “[makes weird noises, laughs] I’m surprised, i mean, I’m not — that’s awesome, that’s great! That’s good!”
Amanda: “You seem a little nervous, not gonna lie. Where are these reservations coming from?”
Kiyomi: “No, not reservations, I’m just surprised –”
Amanda: “Why? Explain.”
Kiyomi: “Can we talk about this not in front of everybody?”
Amanda: “Yeah.”
Kiyomi: “Thank you.”
Amanda: “I sense a lesbian freakout!”
But really Vero and her girlfriend steal the scene:
Amanda’s underwhelmed by Kiyomi’s reaction and shuffles her into another room for her interrogation, during which she points out that Kiyomi & Lauren have never been on a date before and so Kiyomi better start thinking of ideas. I suggest Chuckie Cheese’s. Just throwing it out there.
Amanda: “You’re like, I put rose petals all over the house, and then I put cats all over the bed, I covered the bed in cats and kittens—”
Kiyomi: “I actually maybe have put rose petals — not rose petals — not too long ago —”
Amanda: “Keep that to yourself forever.”
Amen.
Kiyomi interviews that she’s got a SUPERCRUSH on Lauren, which’s like Superfreak, but for lesbians, and that she’s nervous about Lauren coming out ’cause of some abstract emotional reason involving question marks that I don’t really give a fuck about.
Amanda: “I know that inside you’re like a little 13 year old girl and you’re like ‘yes i’m so excited’ and you’re gonna go home and change your outfit 14 times before you go meet her.”
Kiyomi: “That might be true.”
Bye Mrs. Laura, we’ll see you again when/if Laura has some potentially upsetting but ultimately heartwarming news to share!
We smear on back to Connecticut, Whitney’s home and native land. I went to Connecticut earlier this year, I believe, to talk to the Yale Children about Sex & Writing. It was way awesomer than this teevee show. Anyhow, I found “Connecticut” quite challenging to spell when I was learning to spell, didn’t you? So in my head it’s still “Connect – I – cut.” Like it connects with a cut. Anyhow, speaking of cunts, Sarahara has one and is gonna call her Mom.
She’s gotta tell Mom that the wedding’s still in June but they’re gonna handle some paperwork today in Connect-i-cut. Surprise! Mom says “let me have a seat,” and there are some awkward pauses and then Mom lays the smack down:
Mrs.Sara: “Sara, let me tell you this. How can you just think of you? You’re not thinking of us! In such short time. I’m too old for so much news at the same time. It’s too much!”
Mom says this situation seems “like a Russian salad” which Sara explains means “it has a lot of confusing components.” Mom asks to speak to Whitney.
Whitney asks Mrs.Sara what she thinks about The Connecticut Plan:
Mrs. Sara: “Well everything is so fast for me. I’m old . I’m not work that fast. But I just wanna tell you we with you guys 120, for sure… I want you to know you take Sara, she’s the most important thing we have. her and my other daughter. Please be happy.”
Whitney promises to take care of Sara and I got a little teary.
Cut to another Insufferable Minute in Los Angeles, California, where Romi $linger is launching her career at a coffee shop with her ex-boyfriend and that fur coat.
Dusty Ray opens his mouth and words come out of it:
Dusty Ray: “I’m gonna make the best track that I can for you. and then we’re gonna put your voice on it and that’s what pop needs, and that’s what music needs and that’s what you need, is just to be real.”
In response, Romi says: “sometimes I just stare at you.”
Dusty: “Really, why?”
Romi: “I don’t know. I stare at you sometimes… it’s a weird like… hmmmmm — “
Romi interviews about how much she loves Dusty Ray and feels this deep connection with him:
Romi: “It’s kinda weird, like it trips me out sometimes, like sometimes I look at him and he looks at me and I’m like did you happen in a dream? Did you happen in my past?”
I bet you’re wondering how these two lovebirds met!
Well, here’s the story:
Romi: “My friend introduced me to Dusty in San Jose and we started dating that day. Literally shook hands, fell in love, we were on the balcony that night already making out and then we dated for four months of just being together every single day, we would just drink wine and talk about music and listen to music, it was amazing, like I was in love with him. Dusty left me, so it wasn’t my call. That was one of the only people who really broke my heart and then six years later I get a call that he lives in LA and is working on music.”
There’s some mumbo jumbo between them about their energy being cut short the last time they orbited each other’s moons and now it’s “immediate” reconnection which Dusty Ray notes is “just like plugging it back in.” So to speak.
Laneia: oh
oh
oh
WAIT
Riese: her favorite thing is people who remind her of her
Laneia: FOUR MONTHS
i;dgfaegio;egijregijoraejow
Riese: she was in love with him
Laneia: it was wine and talking about music
riese
it was so pure
it was like
immediate
like
Riese: music and love and life
Laneia: like
Riese: free love
Laneia: like
like
Riese: free city
like
it was so LIKE
like amazing
Laneia: i know
i know
like
Riese: they just LOOK at each other
Laneia: i know
Riese: right
i know
i know you know
Laneia: lol like i know
egroieiot4;ijlr3
Romi says Dusty Ray makes her feel sixteen again!
Riese: thinking i liked boys reminds me of being 16 too
Laneia: being 16 again would make me want to die
So I guess the internet gave Romi shit for what’s coming next in this storyline, which I assume is Romi leaving Kelsey for Dusty and, I guess, cheating on Kelsey? I assume this based on this blog post she wrote in response to apparent hate she’s getting about cheating on a woman with a man? (Sidenote: she cheated on a man with a woman like three episodes ago, so). The jist of the blog post is, “you all think it’s okay when girls cheat on girls with girls, but suddenly because it’s a boy, it’s not okay,” which’s a stupid thing to say because nobody here thinks it’s okay for girls to cheat on girls with other girls! That’s crazy! I mean, yes, there is a double standard in the lesbian community where bisexuals dating boys is concerned, and there are so many examples of that out there in the world but honey — this is not an example of that.
She ends the post by saying you can’t get mad at people for following their hearts, and then I ran into traffic and died.
Ultimately, it’s her life, we’ve all made terrible mistakes, I have too, I can’t judge her. But I can’t imagine ever in a million years writing a blog post imploring everybody to stop “putting me down” for cheating because I was only “following my heart and being totally honest.” No! When you’ve done something wrong, you deserve to be down, and when it was me, I knew I deserved to be down.
I’ve always liked Romi’s character but this season I really, really don’t. I don’t care about her sexual orientation and as aforementioned, am in no position to judge how she handles her relationships, but I just don’t like her character. That’s part of being on teevee — people will see your character and some will like it and some won’t! So the only problem I see here is the unnecessary apostrophe used to pluralize “members.” Plural nouns don’t need apostrophes! #JustSaying.
It’s time for the unconventional wedding in the backyard in Connecticut, Whitney’s home and native land!
Whitney: “I’m dressed like an Amish man.”
Sarahara, on the other hand, is wearing a red dress, like that song “Lady in Red” and also like that song “Devil With a Red Dress On.”
Oh wait, whoops, wrong late-night Showtime drama about unconventional relationships that claims to be real and progressive and features a bunch of white people with significant sex drives and too many feelings!
Sarahara says it’s freezing, but luckily they’ve got their love to keep them warm, the Justice of the Peace, and at least one chair suitable for the outdoors. So it’s very sweet and everybody has the loveliest time!
Grandmother interviews:
Grandmother: “Oh, I’m happy to see them get married. It’s something I’ve got to get used to, too, but it’s still fine no matter how you look at it, I think they’re adorable together.”
Whitney: “I don’t think I ever thought my grandma would be at the wedding. I love the fact that my Grandma’s at my wedding that happened to be a same-sex marriage, I don’t think I ever would have thought of that, I’m so grateful.
Whitney’s really emotional and teary and I think I got kinda teary, too. Not Laneia though. Also then the show ends and they show us scenes from next week, which is like being shown a video of a root canal before getting the root canal.
Laneia: well obvs we all agree that kelsey, korycasiekoorkdkckasie and grandma are the best things
i wish i knew how the insemination and the stress and the bills and the life affected korcaci
bc that is so real riese
girls getting drunk — even if they’re lesbians! — isn’t real. that is inherently fake and pointless
girls fighting and being beneath themselves and flying to other cities. i don’t care about that who would ever care about that
i wish they would show me something that i haven’t seen — an actual committed lesbian relationship, with problems and happiness and cats
Riese: i don’t think reality television can show that
Laneia: riese i refuse to believe that
Riese: we don’t trust it enough.
documentaries can
or scripted tv
but reality tv is inherently exploitative
it feels fake by definition
documentaries want to be honest
fiction wants to be honest
reality tv wants to be dishonest while pretending to be honest
that’s the genre
Laneia: i hate it
[12 minutes later]
Riese: do u watch the poly show
