Who have been called witches, devil worshippers, heretics, perverts, sodomists, and necromancers? Queer people. Why? Well, probably because we were back in the woods dancing naked, eating pussy, and getting creative with broomsticks rather than going to a church sermon that warned we were going to hell. We’re not going to hell; we’re already living in it, so let’s have some fun and learn how to use witchcraft to our advantage. In each edition of this column, I’ll teach you spellwork surrounding love and sex, because let’s be real, we are the daughters of lesbian perverts they couldn’t burn. In the first edition of Queer Sex Coven, we’ll learn how to do sex magick or cast spells with our orgasms.

What is sex magick?

Sex magick is when you use sexual energy, most often your orgasm, to get what you want. If casting a spell is using energy and intention towards a goal, in the case of sex magick, it’s sexual and orgasmic energy. So, you set an intention, such as learning to play the guitar, and visualize yourself rocking out on stage holding the as guitar as you’re coming. It may sound counterintuitive, but your spell doesn’t have to be about sex, love, or relationships. You can use sex magick to get a promotion, banish an enemy, or to find the partner of your dreams. As tempting as it may be to try and ruin your enemy, I will suggest trying to uplift yourself instead. The phrase “living well is the best revenge” is true, and when it comes to sex magick, increasing personal power through orgasm is simply more effective than trying to use your orgasm to bring someone else down. Like, you could write an entire song about how much your enemy sucks, start a band, and play it on stage rather than just wish your enemy a bad day, or whatever.

Witches love bodily fluids. Menstrual blood is especially potent and can help you achieve your goal, so bonus points for period sex magick. Just like a pro-domme, you can use urine to cause your enemy to submit, but that’s for another spell.

When is the best time to practice sex magick?

Witches often work with the phases of the moon. The waxing moon, the time in which the moon gets bigger, is great for spells to increase abundance in your life, be it financially or romantically. The waning moon is best for removing obstacles or banishing enemies; the new moon is for starting new beginnings. The full moon is perhaps the most powerful for manifesting your power. So, it really depends on if you’re trying to rid someone from your life or attract a raise. Full moons are always sexy and known to bring out our animal urges, so they may be the most powerful time to practice sex magick — but really, you can do it whenever you need to.

Do I need to work with a deity?

No, you don’t. You can be your own deity, as a Satanic witch would, or just keep this about you and your powers. You can also work with whatever deity is right for the occasion and that you feel like bringing into your bedroom. Venus, the god of love and beauty, is a go-to for romance spells. If you’re trying to slay some demons, dark mother goddess Kali works. I have worship candles on my altar for David Bowie and Freddie Mercury, who I work with quite often. Others may choose to work with ancestors… although Bowie seems like a better option for sex magick than an old family member.

How do I perform sex magick?

Most witches masturbate for sex magick. Why? It’s just easier and often more effective; you don’t have to worry about a partner getting in the way. You can do it on your own schedule; you can play Britney Spears or Marilyn Manson without judgment. You can use whatever toys or niche porn you like to get in the mood without having someone ask you why you’re into it. It’s okay to think about sexy things not directly related to your end goal, like anal sex, if you’re masturbating to get a book deal. It may be hard to turn yourself on, masturbate, and orgasm all while imagining your book release party. As long as you’re centered, with an intention set, and familiar with your visualization, it’s okay to go to those secret dark places in your brain in order to come, and then visualize your book deal party as your coming.

You can practice sex magick while getting it on with a partner. You can either not tell them what you’re up to (sneaky!) or do it together, with a common goal, harnessing the sexual energy of two magickal queers at once. Keep in mind that what you don’t want is someone who knows that you’re casting a spell with your orgasm, but judging you for it, because that’s not conducive to either a successful spell or orgasm.

Step-by-Step Breakdown:

I’d only ever performed sex magick by myself, so I thought it would be fun to do it together with my girlfriend. Here is how we enjoyed queer sex magick:

1. Set a goal

Since we’re both Scorpios, the first thought was: Destroy enemies. But then my Virgo moon kicked in, and I got worried about getting dragged for encouraging hurting others through witchcraft, so I was like “I really want to finally become a David Bowie drag king.” My girlfriend was like, “I could totally come imagining you as a David Bowie drag king.” The intention was set.

2. Set the mood

It was already dark out, my David Bowie candle on my altar, so we simply turned on his music and began boning.

3. Have an orgasm

I don’t want to put too much pressure on orgasms because doing so can make having one more difficult, and as long as you’re serving up some serious sex energy that should work too, but an orgasm is ideal. So we both had orgasms while imagining me (sorry, it’s my Leo rising) as a David Bowie drag king.

4. Enjoy the results

So which burlesque producers want to book me for a show?

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