It’s the fucking New Year. Goals are magic. Resolutions imply giving up something, like sugar (no), or problematic crushes (pry them from my cold dead hands). Goals, on the other hand, are positive can-do mantras, such as “I will start a band this year,” or “I will find my dream femme top.” There are a few things standing in our way. What? Those nasty little intrusive thoughts that we should have disposed of in 2019. Everyone (especially if you’re a Scorpio) has an enemy. One way or another, you are wasting valuable time in which you could be starting a band to impress that hot femme top. So, without further ado, let’s wash away those bad thoughts, jealousy, social media stalking and other pesky mental poltergeists that are cockblocking you.

You will need: A bouquet of white flowers, bath salts, a pen and paper, white candles

The best time to cast the spell

At night during the waning moon.

Which deity should you work with?

Let’s be our own higher powers for this one. Watch out, you’re a Satanist now!

Step-by-Step Breakdown:

1. Set some mood lighting in your home. Remember, the vibe you’re going for is “romantic hate fuck.” Light white candles. In color magick, white represents new beginnings and purity. And we’re going to purify your mind of ex-obsessions and open it up for a brilliant New Year.

2. Using your pen and paper, write down every intrusive thought that bothers you. Write about how apparent and obnoxious your ex is and how you can really see the Sagittarius in their chart although you kind of want them back. Write down how the person your partner dated before you is probably afraid to use the word “feminist.” Get mad! Let it out.

3. Start your bath. Shake the bath salts into the tub. Bath salts are rad because both the magickal and health communities agree that they are great at sucking out toxins from the body. Any balt salts will work. Occult stores sell different kinds, as do beauty stores.

4. Fill up your tub and soak into it. Stay there until the water begins to cool. Let all those magickal salts suck out old negative thought patterns. Let them take away 2019 anger. R-E-L-A-X. Let it go. Agree to stop social media stalking. Free up mental space to concentrate on your 2020 goals.

5. Get out of the tub when you’re ready. Take your white bouquet of flowers. Any kind will do. They also represent new beginnings. Brush the flowers over your body. Imagine that you are dusting off anything intrusive that’s holding you back.

6. Practice fire safety for this one. Over your sink, or a fire place if you have one, burn up your resentment letter using one of your white candles. Collect any ash.

7. Blow out any candles burning in your home. In the middle of the night, walk to a crossroads. Place your white flowers in the crossroads and blow away your hate ashes into the night. On your way home, don’t look back.

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