How Do I Embody the Spirit of a Mediocre Cis Man?

Q:

My girlfriend of a few months is gorgeous. Incredibly hot. Total smokeshow. We clicked immediately, we have fun together, the sex is fantastic, we make each other laugh. Have I mentioned that she is good looking? Really, really ridiculously good looking. Has followers on instagram who are strangers who just think she is hot and dresses cool. I am always taking pictures of this girl! She rarely asks me to be in the pictures. And I have no idea what she’s doing with me. When I swiped on her on tinder I was genuinely shocked when we matched. I’ve usually dated people who are at my level. She says she loves me and is obviously pulled in by me sexually. I would not mind a few more compliments, but would I need that if I wasn’t so insecure?

I’m fine, good looking enough, “successful,” I work out, et cetera. She’s very into makeup, skincare, fashion, gets botox. I don’t do any of those things (i’m also more on the masc end of the spectrum) I get haircuts? sometimes when she’s doing her skincare routine I wonder “is she judging me for not having one.” This is crazy talk, what is wrong with me.

Last week we were at an event one of her exes was also at — I’d seen a few pics of this person before, but they were even better looking in person than in the photos, like an airbrushed version of me. and somehow that has tipped me into an anxiety spiral.

How do I embody the spirit of a mediocre cis man and feel totally confident about this relationship? She has no idea I feel this way because I feel like if I can’t be objectively hot at the very least I can fake confidence, which is hot. I don’t even know what I’m asking for honestly. I sometimes think that it would be easier to break up then to live the rest of my life worried she’s gonna leave me for someone hotter.

A:

Kayla: There is so much about your letter, especially in the first paragraph, that tells me you really need to gas yourself up more! You keep taking digs at yourself! And sure, you say you’re able to fake confidence with your girlfriend, but are you really? Because if you’re feeling all these deep insecurities, they could be impacting the way you act in this relationship that could then actually deepen them. You’re hot! She chose you! She is obviously attracted to you! While I don’t think it’s healthy to hinge your self-worth solely on the perceptions of someone else and definitely think you should start by telling YOURSELF that you’re hot, are there things you’re not getting in the relationship that you would like to be getting? Would you like more compliments from your girlfriend? This in particular stood out to me:She rarely asks me to be in the pictures.That’s not great! I’m not saying at all that it means she is not attracted to you, but it sends a negative message, and I feel like it’s worth having a conversation with her about it. I would also feel insecure if my partner never posted photos of me!

So 1. Stop with all the negative self-talk. 2. Start positive self-FLIRTATION. Tell yourself you’re also a smokeshow. Take pictures of yourself that make you feel good and post them. Get the haircuts you wanna get and wear the things you wanna wear and do the things that are hot to YOU. 3. Don’t question why she’s with you. Again, she did choose you! but also 4. Let your girlfriend know you like taking photos with her (if you indeed do) and ask for what you want. It’s not desperate or pathetic to say you want compliments or other reassurances of her attraction to you.

Riese: Ok so my hot take is looks do not much matter, in the end, do they? I don’t think I mean “in the end” as a figure of speech, I mean it more like — specifically at the end, looks don’t matter at all, but they barely matter in the medium time either, I think. It can matter a lot in what draws you to a person initially, especially if your relationship begins, as many of mine have, with hooking up, and then become actual personal connections later on (or don’t). But IDK, I think queer women and/or non-binary and/or trans people are all really quite hot, the whole lot of ’em, including you, even though I don’t know you. You guys click, you have great sex and conversation, this sounds like a great relationship! I don’t think you have to believe that you are incredibly hot in order to believe that she believes you are, if that makes sense.

Even in relationships of mine that lasted merely 2 or 3 years, one or both of us looked very different at the end than we did at the start. At some point unless we are rich and can rebuild our faces with money (which can garner… mixed results), we all become saggy little prunes, just different kinds of prunes depending on our bone structure.

That’s easy to forget, nowadays. We are constantly on camera. Body positivity kinda stops at the neck, and influencer culture and social media and the ubiquity of cosmetic dermatology and the desperate angling for complements and appreciation every time we post a picture, it can feel like you’re not enough or you don’t measure up. And maybe that’s where your anxiety comes from, moreso than any difference in attractiveness between the two of you. She thinks about her appearance a lot, and you’re like “should I be thinking about this too?” But no, you should continue to look exactly how you look, the person she swiped on and fell for. I would be absolutely shocked to hear that she was hoping you’d adopt a better skincare routine and if she did then that kinda sucks. That said, I do think she should give you more compliments. How “hot” I’ve felt in a relationship is usually more about what I hear from my partner than it is what I actually think about myself.

I think the meat and bones of what you actually look like, physically, is just one piece of what makes you hot. It’s your smile or your personality or your intelligence or talent or creativity. Relationships are mostly about talking and hanging out and enjoying each other’s company, and someone you love talking to is the person with whom shit will last. She couldn’t “have anybody” but “chose you,” because she wouldn’t get along with just anybody in the way she does with you. They might not like her as much as you do. You guys chose each other, you know?

Nico: Riese and Kayla are both very right. And I think that part of this is that you just have to trust your girlfriend and all of the signs that she’s into you! And, to agree with Kayla further, if you need more compliments, ask her for them. They’re free ;)

Also, I just want to take a moment to assure you that I think we are all witnessing a moment of rapidly changing beauty standards, and it’s not just in our heads. The American Society of Plastic Surgeons said in 2022 that the overall rate of plastic surgery procedures had increased by 19% from 2019, with increases for certain cosmetic procedures being even higher. That, and more people are editing their photos for social media than ever. It’s very easy in this environment to get wrapped up in aesthetics, and also to let it affect mental health, but maybe knowing that we’re just, as a society, having a whole moment around aesthetics, might be helpful for you when you consider where insecurities might be coming from.

I don’t want to be so cheesey as to be like “there’s more to a person and to life than looks,” but…there really is. You spend a lot of time focusing on how physically attractice your girlfriend is, but you also mention the sex is fantastic, that you have fun, that you make each other laugh. Maybe see if you can just focus on being present for those moments together, if you can spend more time trying to make her laugh than you spend worrying about how you “measure up” when it comes to “IRL airbrushing”looks.” Regardless of how things work out, you’ll probably have a lot more fond memories of you two giggling (or cackling) together than of the times you were focused on taking photos, so I would focus on creating those moments. Lastly, if anyone ever breaks up with you for not being “hot enough” then that is not a healthy relationship to be in anyway!

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How Do My Partner and I Get Back on Track After Long Covid?

Q:

I have been with my partner (monogamous butch4femme lesbian situation) for almost two years. About nine months of this were normal and great… then I got long Covid and my health completely deteriorated. My high libido disappeared, my depression reached and maintained a fever pitch, and I developed debilitating physical issues. She has been patient and supportive but she has been more my caregiver than my lover for the majority of the relationship. I have no idea when I’ll return to any level of normal. I’m an acts of service stone butch so having to be waited on with no ability to reciprocate (sexually, financially– she got a raise while I got fired for being sick, with gifts I’m too fatigued to make, etc) has been humiliating and emasculating. I’m in the weeds with my health rn but I’m praying it won’t last forever… and then what do we do? How do we get back on track after over a year and counting of ongoing medical crisis, desperately hoping it does have an end date? If it doesn’t and this is my new normal, is it fair to ask her to stick around? I’m in therapy but trying to ask around. And I have read Heather Hogan’s writing on the Butch With Long Covid experience.

A:

Summer: Hi there. I feel like I’m in a good position to answer because some of your experiences mirror mine. I contracted COVID in 2022 and while I didn’t develop long COVID, it exacerbated an existing lung condition and turned it into a noticeable disability. I too am historically the ‘get things done’ partner and this impairment has made things more difficult for me, both physically and emotionally.

I wholly empathize with feeling like you’ve lost your previous capabilities and by extension, some of your role in the relationship. The two points I’m going to focus on here are feelings of emasculation and feeling like a burden.

I think the word ’emasculating’ in your submission is accurate, and a point of distress. I see that you’re accustomed to being capable and giving. A doer. Developing something that I characterize as a disability that saps that from you is damaging to your psyche. It’s not just physical impairments, but an attack on the roles and expectations you’ve set for yourself. I went through a similar process when I realized that I can’t safely do things I used in support of the relationship. Hurts like a bitch because I felt kinda useless?

The thing about long-term health conditions is that some of them don’t have a set end. The medical understanding of long COVID is literally developing as the survivors live on. The way I see it, the ‘options’ you have are to resolve the long COVID and resume your previous level of performance, or develop a life based on this… for lack of a better term, new normal. I get the impression that some of your distress comes from the desire to resume the previous performance in the face of a physiological reality that won’t allow it. That happened to me too.

Developing physical impairments/disabilities happens to every person who lives long enough. It’s an eventuality of life. Some of us are just… unlucky enough to lose our able bodies sooner. It’s not always the loss of performance that hurts us. It’s the destruction of our expectations. We expect to be able-bodied until we’re quite a bit older so it’s more distressing when impairment strikes early. I haven’t been able to safely… jog since age 27 and I often think about the things I’ll miss out on.

What I’m getting at is that maybe it’s time to see your current physiological state as the new baseline. It might improve (and I hope it does). But while it’s here, this is the state you’re working with. Working against our limits and capabilities is stressful at best, and dangerous at worst. I think that you may have something to gain from learning your body’s current limits and first living within their confines, and then gradually stretching beyond. If your long COVID doesn’t resolve, then you have a knowledge of how to live in your present body. If it does resolve, then you’ve developed a framework of recovery and progress that’ll carry you forward. But I think it starts with the here-and-now.

Now, about feeling like a ‘burden’ because you’re not contributing the way you used to in a relationship. I’ve been through similar, especially as my physiology has changed (and malfunctioned). The first thing that comes to my mind is that… there’s a good chance that your hurt self-esteem and anxiety in this situation is leading to catastrophization. Depression and wounded self-esteem are a potent combination that make us think it’s way worse than it is.

The fact that you’re still trying to contribute and reciprocate in the face of physical and mental distress is evidence to your drive. And your capabilities in the relationship. Even if your girlfriend does some caregiving for you, remember that there are degrees to this. There’s a vast gulf between needing occasional support and care (which everyone does) and having to change bedpan around the clock. There are degrees of caregiving labor and matching levels of willingness to do that labor. If your girlfriend is still here and doing that care willingly, she’s probably hasn’t reached her limit yet. I think in that case, you should regularly show appreciation (verbal and by other means when you can), and take up whatever tasks you can safely do to ease her life.

Lastly, you asked if it’s fair to ask her to stick around. The answer is an unequivocal ‘yes’. Any person who is not actively and intentionally harming a partner has a right to try and continue their relationship. Being impaired (or in my case, disabled) doesn’t devalue us as humans and make us any less worthy of love. Even though it often feels like we are less valuable. That’s an internalized ableism voice talking, and that voice is not helpful.

What is helpful at this point? In my opinion:

• Take some time to do difficult reflection about your body’s present limitations and capabilities, and what you can do to respect them. So that you don’t cause yourself more physical and emotional distress, and so you can begin working on things, rather than against them.
• Have some heart-to-heart conversations with your girlfriend about your feelings and fears. Express your appreciation for the part she plays in your life, but also discuss her needs and ways you can relieve stress on her that also respect your bodily and emotional limits.

Whatever else happens, always remember that trying your best is all that can be asked of you. And from one get-shit-done partner to another: things do change, sometimes unexpectedly and for the worse. But we still have the verve to adapt and keep our partners happy. That happiness and our usefulness will change shape, but it isn’t lost because we’ve had a bad period.

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How Do I Flirt?

Q:

I’ve been dating recently and really struggling with flirting. I’ve known I was gay from a pretty young age and it sometimes feels like I missed the window to practice it, and have often shied away from it for fear of giving off the wrong signals. But now, even when I’m on a date with someone, it’s hard to turn it into something more flirtatious and give them a vibe that I’m into them, or read their vibe, since I kind of freeze up and get anxious. So, any advice for how to flirt, how to make dates feel less platonic, or anything would be greatly appreciated!

A:

Em Win: Growing up I used to think there was a formula to flirting, but now that I’ve dated plenty of folks of different genders and sexualities, I’m realizing that flirting is extremely unique to the person. I know folks whose flirting looks like sharing their niche interests with me and asking me to get involved with it somehow. I’ve had other folks flirt with simple gestures of touch, such as on the shoulder or hand. I also see flirting as just a smile and some sort of confession or question like “Do you want to go out again?” or “I think you’re really cute.” I’ve also flirted with someone just by smiling and making eye contact. It’s also okay to be really straightforward. As a neurodiverse human, I find that sometimes I have to be really blunt and say, “Was that you flirting with me?” or “This is my way of flirting,” with a little laugh. I’ve been told it’s endearing (and if the person doesn’t like it then that’s not your person!) My default is smiling and complimenting. You can almost never go wrong with that combo.

Summer: Hmm yeah, this happened to me, and is still happening to me to this day.

The thing about ‘how to flirt’ is that it’s unpredictable. Because it’s not just the flirting that you’re doing, but also how everyone responds to it in their way. The popular perception of flirting is that it’s something in our control when only half of it is in our hands. In my opinion, sapphic flirting is even more complex because the people involved are likely to be gender-diverse, neurodivergent, or opposed to heteronormative relationship scripts taught by most flirting.

The ‘neurodivergent’ and ‘opposed to heteronormative scripts’ parts apply to my life a lot. I’m very neurodivergent and only do well when communication is direct and unambiguous. And I was schooled by crappy heteronormative scripts shaped by a lack of care for people’s well-being. Especially women’s well-being. So I end up doing things that fit my personality.

The result? I’m very bad at flirting, yet very good at forming connections. Here’s how I make dates feel like dates, and give out the ‘vibe’.

• I use the word ‘date’ when I want a date. I ask by saying, “do you want to do a date together next x“, or talk about how “I enjoyed our last date a lot.” Statements like that are a mark of my intentions and where I think the engagement stands. And they leave a door open for the other person to correct me if they don’t feel the same way.
• When I feel it’s appropriate, I ask for things that are less platonic. If there’s a quiet moment on a date (that we agreed is a date, see first bullet point), I’ll ask if I can hold their hand. Or cuddle. When I think it’s okay, I ask for a kiss (or more). This is unambiguous and leaves room for the other person to agree or decline.
• If there are multiple dates, I suggest dates that escalate in intimacy. If the first date was lunch, the next one might be dinner. The one after that might be a movie at someone’s place. Changing the activities keeps it fresh, while progressively moving things ‘forward’ and away from the platonic.
• Stay in contact with them. Make an effort to learn what kind of communication they prefer (long text discussions? Meme sharing only? Video calls?) and try to match them. Be a positive part of their lives while leaving space for them to do their thing. Tell them the things you appreciate about them. Bring up romantic things you’ve done together and how they make you feel. Talk, talk, talk.

These are the things I find myself doing to great happiness. Because I don’t think there’s any universal form of flirting that applies to sapphic women. There isn’t one for cis-het women either. But sapphic women are often averse to heteronormative communication. Or were raised with heteronormative communication but feel conflicted. Or are neurodivergent and really don’t spot ‘signals’ etc.

But what works for me has always been to be compassionate, earnest, and direct. I make it clear from the outset that my interest lies in ‘dates’ and ‘dating’, and I use those words. When I’m ‘in the moment’, I keep tabs on our well-being and ask about changes in activity/setting. And I remain present in their lives when there isn’t a date immediately on the horizon. And… if that description looks a lot like ‘taking action toward a communicative and respectful relationship, then maintaining it’, you’re dead on the money.

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