Is It Classic Lesbian Bed Death?

Q:

I’m worried I got “the ick” for my girlfriend and now it’s over.

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for about 2 years and at first our sex life was awesome. I couldn’t get enough of her, of her smile her body. But a few months ago, I just started having a lot of reactions to her physically that I can only describe as being slightly grossed out? I’ve just been pretending they don’t exist. It’s things like being turned off by the way she smells (perfectly normally – but by like, her unique smells, by her body having smells), the way she acts during sex or even by her touching me.

I don’t have any reason for this to have happened? I feel like this is really not a good situation to try speaking to her directly because I don’t think it’s fair to say something and give her body issues for her whole life. When I try to think of why it might be I get really anxious. She’s not…really changed physically. We’ve definitely gotten more comfortable with each other and I’m afraid it might be classic lesbian bed death. There’s also an issue where she really likes me to top more, but I’m definitely happiest when I’m in a bottomy/subby place, so maybe it’s that? We also fight a lot, but we always resolve it and I love her. I’m bisexual and have mostly dated cis dudes. This has happened to me before in relationships with guys but not always and when it’s happened they’ve always been really overtly gross, you know? I’m just starting to worry though that maybe I’m faking my attraction to women or I’m not as bisexual as I thought?

Is there any way to come back from this? Is it over? What can I do? What do you even say to a person if this is the reason you need to break up with them? I alsodon’t wantto break up with her, but I’ve also been keeping this completely secret and hidden. I don’t think she suspects at all, except I think if I keep making up excuses not to have sex like every other time, she’s probably eventually going to know something’s up. Has anyone experienced anything like this? I love her so much and don’t want to let this go! Thank you for any help you can give!

A:

Kayla: Let’s at least get this out of the way: You’re still bisexual. None of this undermines that. Now this: Break up with your girlfriend please. I know you think she doesn’t suspect anything, but she probably does. It’s usually really easy to sense these shifts in a relationship. And if you stay in a relationship where you aren’t attracted to your partner it could lead to unhealthy escape routes like cheating or other forms of self-sabotage. It also could already be wreaking havoc on your girlfriend’s self-esteem and making her question her reality. I realize I could be projecting here! But it’s very obvious when someone becomes suddenly unattracted to you, especially within a long-term relationship. Two years into a relationship is not super long also, which makes me think this isn’t really “lesbian bed death” — also dips in intimacy aren’t always about a lack of attraction or being “grossed out” by the other person. I’m not really sure there’s any coming back from this, because in order for there to be, you’d have to be honest with your girlfriend about how your feeling and then you both would have to decide together on what to do about it/if there’s a path forward (and likely seek out something like couple’s therapy).

I know you say you don’twant to break up, but why do you want to stay with someone who literally gives you the ick? What are you getting out of the relationship and furthermore what isshegetting if she’s not getting your full honesty/authentic feelings? Is it moreso that you’re afraid to break up? Also, I’m sorry if I sound harsh! I am not actually judging you for your feelings toward your girlfriend. I think it’s okay if your feelings have changed. At least you’re being honest with yourself. But I think it’s unfair to keep being with a person when you’re harboring these feelings. They’ll either come out eventually or lead to huge chasms. It also sounds like y’all might not be the best fit sexually, whichcan be navigated, but I think the combination of issues here really just points toward breaking up being the best decision for both of you, even if it’s hard.

Riese: I’m gonna be honest, I’m not sure why you’d feel a sudden ick! I don’t know why you’d suddenly not like the way your girlfriend smells anymore unless there’s something else going on.

My best theory is that maybe you’re really intensely a bottom and/or a sub, and that part of your trouble here is that you like to think of sex as a situation in which someone else initiates and calls the shots and directs the action and you’re just not really into it otherwise. Maybe you like to be taken and when you think about a sexual event in which you’re in charge, that’s just not appealing to you. It simply doesn’t turn you on. Maybe you don’t experience spontaneous desire but only responsive desire — you need something to happen to get you in the mood, you need to be seduced in a way that appeals to your specific desires. Maybe it was easier with men because men in relationships with women tend to err on the side of toppiness.

Maybe your ick is just coming from frustration with her for not understanding what you’re into sexually — maybe it’s a kind of pity that is turning into disgust, which in turn I imagine makes you feel bad about yourself because it’s awful to feel that way towards someone being vulnerable with you, and sex and love are such vulnerable activities! I respect highly that you recognize that telling her she grosses you out is a really bad idea, because it is! You don’t want to scar her for life because your sexual preferences are mismatched, and I don’t think the confident top of your dreams is going to emerge from her hearing that you’re just not into her anymore. But a good first discussion to have would be to see if she’s open to shifting your sexual dynamic to have more power-play involved and for you to be the bottom. If she’s not, you might not be a good sexual match, and then it’s time to evaluate how much a monogamous sexual dynamic matters to you in the relationship and if it can still work. If not, it’s time to break up before something happens that does impact her self-esteem for life, because she will start to pick up on your feelings eventually, if she hasn’t already, and those feelings are the worst feelings for a person to be picking up, you know?

Big, New Feelings for a Cis Man!

Q:

I’ve been having big feelings for a cishet man! This is very new to me! Is it even worth pursuing when there’s a not-small chance I’m just having fun flirting and, when things actually start to happen, I’ll realize the attraction just isn’t actually there? How can you tell the difference between hypothetical crush feelings and genuine interest? I feel like I need to tread carefully because we share a friend group, but the only way I can see to be careful is to just forget about it entirely.

I’m less concerned about my own identity, and more about the actual physical stuff that comes with being with someone, should we ever reach that point. I’m pretty asexual-leaning, and I’m used to dating ladies I can top and not have as much happen on my body (i.e. no penetration). I think the romantic attraction is there, I have no idea if the sexual attraction is there, and practically I’m just not knowledgeable enough about sex with cis men to see how I could sleep with him and be comfortable with myself at the same time.

Is this just not worth pursuing? I haven’t had a crush since my ex and I broke up two years ago and I’m having a lot of fun, but maybe I should leave it there? Idk I just kinda really like him and I know he feels the same.

A:

Em Win: I feel really seen by your question! While I don’t identify as ace, I’m used to being a top with pretty much everyone but a cishet man. This past summer I fell for a cishet man which was the biggest shock of the decade for pretty much everyone in my life. It felt like reverse coming out (which, for me, is a lot of internalized biphobia). Attraction is tricky because I believe there are many pathways to sexual attraction, and often that attraction on a friend or intimate level can be a great foundation for a long-term relationship that eventually involves physical stuff. I was SO NERVOUS when I started to date cishet men that I straight up FaceTimed my friends to ask questions and literally showed me how to give a blow job. It was all so foreign to me. However, when I finally got to the physical stuff, all the same rules applied. I reminded myself about enthusiastic consent and repeated that I could stop or change things anytime. I even told my cishet dates that it was my first time, and all of them seemed really understanding. This isn’t so much advice as much as empathy and encouragement. If the attraction is there, even if you’re scared, he’s your friend! So talk to him! As for the friend group stuff….that’s hard. Since it seems like you two have concrete feelings for each other, I think it might be worth exploring, especially if your other friends are aware of the attraction, too.

Nico: Much like what Em did, my first piece of advice is to just be honest with this dude, should you decide to pursue this, about where you’re coming from, that you haven’t dated cishet men before, but that if he’s okay with giving it a try, you’d like to give it a shot because you’re crushing. Sexuality can be fluid, and it’s totally normal and okay to discover that you have feelings that you didn’t expect or that are outside of your usual pattern.

And if you go on some dates and maybe you hold hands or hug or kiss some and you find that you’re not really sexually attracted to him, that’s totally okay! Hopefully he won’t be let down too hard, knowing that this was new for you and maybe wasn’t going to go further, and you two can remain friends. But…I do think the only way to tell the difference between hypothetical crush feelings and genuine interest is to spend time with someone in a dating kind of way (and not just in a friend group setting or a friend setting). You can see if after, say, spending two to three hours with this guy that are supposed to be romantic hours, if you’re still crushing just as hard, you know? Or if maybe you’re less nervous but more interested or if you’re kind of seeing interest wane. All of these outcomes are possible.

Okay, so, to speak to the ace / top portion…you can definitely, also, top cis dudes. I don’t know anything about his preferences here (and maybe you don’t either!), but you can, as with any other sexual encounter, talk about likes and dislikes, preferences and turn-on’s, boundaries and safer sex, too. And, in fact, a great way to ensure that things are relatively comfortable for you (especially considering your sexual history and how you’ve navigated your asexuality and having sex in the past) should you two decide to try getting sexual, would be to take the lead in the interaction (after talking about it of course). That way, you’re in charge of the speed at which things progress, and you can feel more in charge of what happens or doesn’t happen in terms of penetration, touching, all of it. Wishing you tons of luck!

How Can I Find a Sex Therapist?

Q:

Any advice on how to find a sex therapist? My partner and I have been together for 9 years, and our sex life dropped off a cliff a few years ago and never fully recovered (major conflict was the cliff, covid then a kid affected the recovery). We have done a lot of regular couples therapy to repair the conflicts that initially caused everything to stop dead for a while, and other aspects of our relationship are stronger than ever. But while we both regularly express wanting more intimacy, we never seem to get there. I think we could use some professional help!

But I don’t know how to find our support person. We need someone who is able to support us in the full range of our needs—queer, poly, kinky, Black/white relationship, one nonbinary partner, both with chronic illnesses of various kinds… I know of good resources for finding other kinds of therapy, they don’t seem to extend to sex therapy. I’m not on social media (no insta, no tiktok, etc.) and search engines are cesspools of ads and SEO gaming these days. How do we find help?

A:

Em Win: Hi there! In addition to being an Autostraddle writer, I’m just about to finish my graduate school program to become a therapist (and I have a lot of interest in sex therapy, so you came to the right place). I’m wondering if you’ve brought this up to your current therapist? If you haven’t, it might be worth asking them for a sex therapy referral. If you have mentioned this to them and they haven’t given a clear answer or don’t feel comfortable with it, it might be time to find a new therapist entirely (which it sounds like you’re already trying to do). It really depends on the state you’re in. For example, I personally know some sex therapists in California, but the rest of the country isn’t as liberal as them. Aside from searching for sex therapy viaPsychologyToday.com, my next recommendation would honestly be Facebook. I know you don’t have social media, but it has hundreds of professional state-specific therapy groups you could contact. You may not find sex-therapy-specific groups depending on your state, but I would suggest searching for LGBTQ+ groups and posting for the specific types of therapy you want. If you are truly against social media, my next suggestion is to find a university near you with a counseling program. They will have a wide range of locations and therapists to suggest. If they say they don’t, search for their professors of human sexuality (or something similar) and ask them.

Kayla: From what I understand, looking for a sextherapistis really the same process as looking for atherapist, which is to say: It can be hard and take a lot of time, especially to find the right FIT, which is as important here as it is when searching for any kind oftherapist. When Googling, be sure to put “sextherapist” in quotation marks so that you’re getting results that are really truly specifically for sextherapists(Google will sometimes drop the “sex” part if it’s not in quotes). I used that method plus “lgbtq” in quotes as well and came across a good resource in Portland, Oregon. Now, I’m not sure where you’re based! But I do think poking around on various websites that come up when you use that specific searching method could lead you down the right roads. You can always reach out to places and see if they have recommendations for places in your own city. You can also see if places offer virtual options (if interested in that). If you do want to find somewhere specifically in your region, include that in your search. I know it can be difficult to find exactly what you need using search engines, but with the right approach (namely, putting any MUSTS in quotes), I think you can get there. Treat it like a research project, basically!