Welcome to the weekly AF+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from AF+ members who submitted their queries into our AF+ ask box!
I’ve been with my girlfriend for four years, and two years ago, we bought an apartment together. She’s been through some rough shit over the past year so I’ve done my best to be flexible to her emotional needs, including her recent desire to hang out with a new group of friends she didn’t want to introduce me to. She explained to me that it’s important to her that we have lives outside of each other, especially after two years spent in near-isolation due to the pandemic. I think I let a lot of it go because I agree that it’s good to have separate lives outside of each other, even if I didn’t understand why I couldn’t even meet them — but mostly I let it go because she seemed happier than she’s been in a while, and we’d started having really incredible sex again! We’d also finally started moving forward on plans to have a baby.
Then, a friend of mine gently gave me a heads-up that she saw my girlfriend was “all over” this girl at a party, and they seemed like more than friends. I was devastated, did some snooping (wrong, I know, but I had to!), confirmed the affair, and confronted her. I’m a very confident person and not a jealous person — but the dishonesty just gutted me, and I felt like a fool who’d been taken advantage of.
Her response was that the thing with this girl was over and it wasn’t serious — but that she’d realized she was poly recently, but was afraid to tell me because she thought I might leave her. She said being involved with this other girl actually made her even more into me rather than making her feel more separate from me. Somehow this conversation ended with me agreeing to be poly if she could be more honest and not cut me out of her life outside of us and our mutual friends. Since this convo she’s been so much more attentive and present in our relationship.
So, on the one hand, so far everything she’s told me checks out, and although it’s only been a month, things have been really great between us.
On the other hand, I still feel betrayed and suspicious, and just overall like this is not the right way for a poly relationship to begin. I don’t know yet how it’ll feel if she does start seeing someone else. Also, instead of letting me meet her new friends, she just stopped hanging out with them. Every friend I’ve talked to about this tells me this is bad but also; because of our living situation, I have some logistical motivations to make this relationship work.
Is this ever an okay way for a poly relationship to begin? Am I setting myself up for disappointment? Should I be doing more to rebuild the broken trust? I love her so much and she seems to really want to be better to me, and seems grateful for the second chance.
Kayla: So I’m definitely bringing some personal baggage to my answer, but here we go! A similar but ultimately different situation happened to me in my last relationship where my ex told me she wanted to be poly and feels like she has always wanted to be poly…but then I came to find out she was already cheating on me with her friend and was basically trying to seek retroactive permission for it.
In general, I don’t think it’s great for relationship to be opened up in the way yours was, because it was done without your knowledge, input, consent, etc. Being poly requires a lot of communication and honesty, and so you’re already starting on bad footing here. It also does seem…odd to me that she has just decided to stop hanging out with those new friends. I agree it’s important for you to have your own social lives, but that feels a bit like she’s hiding something bigger?
If you do want to rebuild the trust, I recommend couples therapy. You also have to decide if you actually want to be poly…it kind of sounds like you don’t? And in that case, I know you mentioned logistical issues, but there just doesn’t seem to be a great path forward for the relationship. You deserve to be with someone who’s aligned with you in terms of ideal relationship structure, and you deserve clearer communication, too.
Nico: Okay, so, I am sensing a vibe that is putting me on edge with this one, so if I’m off-base, I apologize. But I think there’re a few things to unpack here. For one, she’s treating “being poly” like a kind of sexual orientation, something innate. I know some people think it is, some people think it isn’t. That’s not super pertinent here, but it does relate to my first red flag: which is that she implied polyamory is something she unearthed about herself, something she discovered that is true to her being, but, in the same moment, is asking you if it’s something you can just be, just try, right now, for her. My second red flag is in you saying that you don’t know how you’ll feel when she starts seeing someone else. You don’t mention that you two have talked about how polyamory will look for you, at all. Have you had those conversations? Have you had conversations about why this was hurtful, and about the kind of honesty you expect going forward? Have you talked about what you’re afraid of? Do you feel like you even can talk about your fears? Have you discussed whether you need a bit of a cushion before she starts dating other people while you heal from the breach of trust? If not, why not? And…are you interested in seeing other people? Is this something that would be fulfilling for you? You haven’t mentioned this at all, so I’m not sure, but I would do some introspection to see if this relationship style is mutually appealing. If it isn’t, then I think you need to ask yourself how worth it is to engage in polyamory because your partner wants you to.
I think couples can move beyond cheating, especially if it’s mostly a sex thing or just a humans-being-messy-humans thing and there is love there and the cheater realizes that the real problem is ultimately the disrespect they showed their partner through their dishonesty — I do. Polyamory might help in a situation where you’re both open to doing something that is challenging, but also potentially rewarding. You already said that it was the dishonesty that gutted you, not so much the jealousy. You actually sound like a great candidate for trying an open relationship in that case, because jealousy doesn’t seem to be a huge issue for you — however, your partner does not, not to me, not right now, sound like a good candidate because communication and honesty are places where she’s stumbled. That’s not to say that she wouldn’t be in the future, but there are some fundamental issues in how she is treating others here, including you, that raise concerns.
First, she’s with another woman, and then she is not. She has a separate friend group one day, and now she is not with them. I don’t like, for you, seeing these kinds of discarding behaviors from someone, regardless of any polyamory or monogamy situation. If I were going to seek a long-term partnership and a co-parenting relationship with someone, I would want to make sure that they tended to treat others with respect. Your partner has not respected you enough to be honest, she might not have respected this other person she was seeing (you can’t know, but you do know that she thought it wasn’t serious and suddenly broke it off or stopped — maybe you could ask to talk with her to see how things were presented by your partner?), and she didn’t respect this friend group enough to stick around. She also hasn’t introduced you to her friends, instead choosing to cut them out. That also does not sound good to me. It does sound like she’s hiding something.
You don’t have to break up with her right away, but I would proceed from a place of caution. Maybe this actually was the issue and things will be fine. But, I think you have the right, for a time (six months to a year, maybe), to really ask questions, to engage her in conversations, to follow up about things that bother you — and privately, to encourage yourself not to accept everything she says at 100% face value until you feel you can. And if she violates your trust again or if you start to feel (and get confirmation) that she isn’t being honest — not necessarily about other relationships, but about anything significant — then I think it’s time to seriously consider breaking up, disentangling yourself from her financially, and moving on. Because you’re right. Polyamory is a whole way of approaching relationships that requires intense honesty, communication and empathy and care for others — at least, in my opinion, if you’re doing it right.
My question is: When do I finally, completely, get over breaking up with my first queer partner even though I don’t want him back?!
(For context: My ex was my first partner since coming out as bi three years before (at the age of 37), and then realising I was also polyam. He’s only my second ever partner – I was with my cishet boyfriend for nearly two years, and then had a sixteen-year gap until my second and most recent relationship with my ex, who is also bi and polyam.)
After 4 and a half months, my ex broke up with me in April 2020 (a few weeks after the first lockdown in the UK). I was heartbroken, to put it mildly, and I felt I lost a friend as well as a partner – I’ve always struggled to make friends due to autism, which was formally diagnosed the month before. Because of so many other things that had happened around the same time (being physically alone during the lockdown, work getting busier and them not caring that Covid was impacting us workers too, realising I was ace-spec in May 2020) dealing with the breakup as well was a LOT. I blamed myself (and his breakup message said as much), but after therapy I realised that both of us were responsible for the end of the relationship.
I don’t want him back (due to his long-distance partner, J, constantly being prioritised, to the point where he’d take calls from him while we were on dates! J had no support system, and my ex made no effort to encourage him to build one despite him going through a LOT of stuff as he wanted to become his entire support system) My main regret from the relationship is not having communicated with him how I felt about constantly being pushed aside every time J called to report his latest drama – at the time, I was too concerned over how he’d feel if I talked about it with him and how he’d respond.
Since the lockdowns ended, I’ve found it hard to rebuild in-person social connections that went during Covid, and negotiate queer spaces with these extra identities on top of being Black, femme and 40-something (including ones that were previously welcoming). I’m also retraining in a new career while dealing with a job that’s getting ever more stressful and demanding. I’ve met a handful of people since the breakup, but nothing resulting in a date. Because of things feeling stuck and slow-moving these past few years, I still find myself dwelling occasionally on the relationship and the end of it. I still have a lot of mutual friends/acquaintances with my ex, so inevitably I’ve bumped into him a few times and hear about him indirectly. Also, I’m the first of his exes (since his divorce in around 2015) that he hasn’t completely no-contacted/avoided interacting with. I don’t read anything into that.
I thought I was OK-ish (time heals, etc) when there was an incident just before Christmas where someone who attended an online discussion I was at gave enough information about themself and their partner for me to work out they’re now living with my ex (they didn’t know who I was, by the way, and I had no interaction with them.) It threw me, it really did. I had such a strong physical reaction (lightheaded, dizzy, like I was having an out-of-body experience). All the pain of the breakup came back, and the resentment that he had just been able to carry on with life as if nothing had happened, yet I have lost so much confidence in finding new partners.
I can’t talk about all this to my friends because I feel I should have gotten over my ex already. I still don’t understand why I had such a strong reaction to that interaction in December. I don’t want to resume a romantic relationship with him, and I’m working to be more open to ‘moving on’ not just meaning ‘having new partners’. It’s hard, and there have been times (even now) when I think that I’m always going to feel the pain of the breakup no matter how many partners I have, no matter if I meet people who I have an even deeper connection with than I did with him. Please help!!!!!!
Riese: Wow I have never related to something so much in my life because in addition to struggling with social skills and connecting with other human beings, I’ve also had that same relationship experience more than once — including times when I am literally head-over-heels for someone else or having the time of my life as a single person AND YET I still cannot stop obsessing over my most recent relationship and, specifically, misconceptions I suspect my ex still has about me, things I wish I’d said at the time, or ways I think they are evaluating or did evaluate our relationship unfairly. Unfortunately for me for many reasons, knowing that misinformation exists about me out there in the world, whether that be online or in somebody else’s head, just drives me bananas!!! I’ve also had that out-of-body experience you describe whenever certain exes enter my purview or I learn information about their lives that I didn’t want to know. And I’ve also been severely traumatized, barely holding it together, mired in regret for everything that I let go on in my life, while the ex who hurt me is out there getting engaged and seemingly thriving, and that feeling is the fucking worst! It’s not fair. Because life so rarely is.
So honestly I shouldn’t even try to answer this, but here’s what might help: writing this person a very long letter you will never send. Journaling. Finding a Reddit board, setting up a shadow account, and talking it out with strangers who have similar feelings. Talking to a therapist about it instead of your friends. Reminding yourself that every relationship ends with misconceptions about who was in the wrong, and often nobody was, or everybody was, and breakups are perhaps life’s most subjective experiences. Reminding yourself that it’s unlikely they’ve stopped doing the things to their partners that they did to you — and if they have, it means they’ve also realized, at this point, that they were wrong to treat you how they did. (And I’ve also been the one in the wrong, the one who fucked up and the one who realized hours later or years later all the ways I failed and should’ve done better.) Reminding yourself that very little in life ever truly settles, that we have to move on despite that. Eventually time will help. Not a year or two years but like, massive amounts of time, mostly because new things happen — new things to obsess over, new problems or activities or experiences that will start crowding your brain, pushing these other matters further into the recesses of your mind. Your memory of it will dim. You’ll stop being the person you were when you were in that relationship, and her concerns won’t be as relevant to you as new ones.
Your life doesn’t have to look like theirs or to look like neurotypical people’s lives to be a rich, full, glorious life of your own. You might carry the pain of this breakup with you forever, and although that shard of glass will shrink over time, it might no ever go completely away. And that is okay. It doesn’t have to stop you from dating, living, loving, and all the other things they sing about in the L Word theme song.
What are some good movies to watch with your ex while they recover from surgery, that won’t increase anyone’s heart rate?
Drew: Assuming the raising of heart rate note means you want to avoid anything horny for surgical and ex reasons. Fair! Unfortunately, that leaves us with a lot of movies that lean toward the sad side BUT not tragic lesbian sad just like melancholy. Anyway here are some great movies that fall into that category: House of Hummingbird (2018), Olivia (1950), Showing Up (2022), and Sarah Prefers to Run (2013). But also here are some that maybe have a bit more fun and romance but I wouldn’t describe it as horny: Alice Junior (2019), Moving On (2022), Girl Picture (2022), Holy Camp! (2017), I’ve Heard the Mermaids Singing (1987), and BFFs (2014). Finally, if you haven’t watched NYAD (2023) that’s all about two lesbian friends who used to date and now are just teammates on a difficult task so that would be perfect!
Em Win: I am not a fan of anxiety-inducing films which is probably why my taste in cinema reflects that of an 8th grader. The good news is, I have many bad or cheesy non-anxious movies to suggest! Quartet — a movie about 4 retired opera singers in a nursing home, Mamma Mia 1& 2 — nonsensical musical whimsy, Eat Pray Love — a divorcee goes on a global, spiritual pilgrimage, Bluey — the Disney show cartoon, Kiki’s Delivery Service — a witch flies around with her cat and there’s good music, Tampopo — a woman tries to have the best ramen shop in town, Napoleon Dynamite — stupidity with no real plot, Midnight in Paris — for the literary romantics who wish they could be in Paris in the early 1900s, The Princess Diaries — a teenager discovers she’s a princess, Ratatouille — a rat cooks but the music is super calming, anything from the Disney National Geographic collection, Love Actually — a classic even when it’s not Christmastime, Asteroid City — it’s actually a good film that’s more thought provoking than stressful, Cheaper By the Dozen — family friendly chaos.
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Q1, it sounds to me like you’re finding yourself “poly under duress.” It is 100% okay for this to be a desire of your gf’s that means you aren’t compatible. It seems to me like she was scared of telling you she was poly because she worried you’d break up, but that’s now leading to you agreeing to be poly because you’re afraid that if you , you’ll break up. There is nothing inherently wrong or controlling or unhealthy with being monogamous. I also think it’s fine to want to know about your partner’s friends! There’s a difference between someone having friends they mostly hang out with on their own but presumably have told you about and talk about you with, and who you maybe wave to when you’re picking your partner up from their rugby game or dropping off snacks for their DnD night and having a friend group they insist on you not meeting.
First of all, Em Win, thank you for the excellent film tips! Tampopo!! Yeah!!!
Question 1.
I recently went to a poly group, and all people present there came into polyamoury after they had cheated on their partner or vice versa. In all situations, poly was used as a preaching tool to force the other partner to be ok with the cheating. That made me really unconfortable and as someone who is pretty relaxed, i find it morally wrong and not what polyamoury should be.
Plus it was mainly straight married couples, where the male part did the cheating, so it was super obvious what power dynamics were going on there. So maybe, as a test to clear you mind, you could ask yourself how your situation would look from the outside if you were a straight couple.
It even happened to me once, where i offered an open relationship at the start of the relationship, and that person still cheated on me, in the sense of not informing me that there was a third person and making me feel like an idiot. So there was something really wrong there and the fact that they could not be honest was a red flag in itself.
What i cannot handle are people going behind my back, manipulating me, or lying to my face, and i mean, who can?
Q1 – five years ago I could have written this! Some of the details differ, but this happened to me. I agreed to be poly after my ex had already opened the relationship without informing me. We did decide to stay together and try to work it out and for a while, our relationship was much better. it is crazy how much I can relate to this! But it turned out the problem was not poly, the problem was my ex could not communicate with me and kept withholding and not outright lying, but just keeping things from me and I turned into this suspicious insecure person and wondered if I was trying to be something I wasn’t (poly) just to save the relationship. I agree with what Kayla and Nico said — poly requires so much honesty and communication and my ex simply wasn’t capable of that at the time and after the brief honeymoon period, I was miserable in the relationship. We had to break up. Ironically, I am now in a healthy poly relationship (it turns out it works very well for me when it’s done right!) and my ex now doesn’t know if she is poly or not.
I know it’s hard when you’re not only financially entangled with someone else to see how a break up could even be possible, but also when you are so invested in the future you’re building with this person you love with your whole heart, that is really hard to give up. But please prioritize yourself in this. Center your own needs and really explore what kind of relationship will make you happy, because you deserve a relationship that makes you happy and prioritizes your needs too, not just your partner’s. Even though my version of this ended in a break-up, it was the best thing that could have happened to me, because I did find a new healthy relationship and after taking some time to heal, my ex is still in my life as a close friend. I am rooting for you and wish you the best as you navigate this!