Welcome to the weekly AF+ Advice Box, in which we answer all the queer and lesbian advice questions from AF+ members who submitted their queries into our AF+ ask box!

Yall. Friendships!!! I have some very loving friends who are different communicators than I am. Two separate close friendships with the same trouble: they are SHARERS, and not just sharers but monologue at me for 20, 40, 60 minutes at a time. I love an external processor sometimes, and I love complexities and multiple facets of the same topic always! Lesbian processing forever. But when a couple minutes of free association exploration word soup stretches into half an hour, I get bored and then fully bitter. Sometimes I leave multi hour hikes feeling like I barely got a word in edgewise ! The primary feeling is, “Did you even need me here for this?” Some of my friendships feel more balanced. My partnership certainly does (and we enjoy a lot of quiet together too).

I’ve left friendships in the past after asking for and not receiving more mutual curiosity. The remaining couple yappers occasionally ask me questions and mostly wait for an answer, and they also both always hear me out if I’m having a tough time. But I’ve got more to say! Monologuing back at them is not the answer either though. I am the common denominator here, and it’s my job to say “I’m 40, I like back n forth exchanges instead, this dynamic blows.” But my biggest worry is they both have core wounding around being “too much.” How the F do I approach this delicately and get my stimulation and convo-inclusion needs met?

Summer: I’ve had experiences like this before, and they’re always complex. I can think of some possibilities, but only you can assess your situation and see what fits. For starters, the way you speak of your friends makes it seem like the way they communicate isn’t driven by pure selfishness or any malice. It sounds to me like this is how they engage with personal topics on their mind. That can be good, but there’s clearly a mismatch in uh, words-per-capita here.

First-off, I think if you want your needs to be met, you’ll have to speak to them and assert your boundaries. Everything I’m going to say follows that line of thinking.

1. Consider if this is just the way they communicate. We all express ourselves differently and some people (myself included) can just get lost in a topic and go on, and on, and on if we’re not stopped. For me, it’s a neurodivergent quirk that can be addressed by switching topics or telling me politely to slow down. For others, strangely, it’s just how they interact with the world. If they speak to other friends like this, then it’s a sign that they’re used to communicating this way. That’s good information to have on hand.
2. If you don’t want to monologue back, then a sit down talk about your respective communication styles and how they differ and affect you could be helpful. Rather than framing it as a ‘problem’ with how they communicate (and risk hurting them), soften it a bit. Frame the conversation as your desire to be heard and your care for mutually improved talk.
3. As to their fears of ‘being too much’ and the attached pain… that’s not your responsibility or place to bear in its entirety. It’s awesome that you’re taking this into account, but you also have needs that deserve to be met. As long as you address it in a way that is considerate, measured and caring, then you’ve met your responsibility for empathy and love. We can’t control other people’s reactions to our best efforts and we should never feel pained for doing our best.

Valerie Anne: I do think the answer is having this conversation directly with them, but I think if you’re worried about your friends thinking it’s about them, frame the conversation around yourself instead. Instead of focusing on their talking, focus on your lack of talking. Maybe start with, “I sometimes have a hard time inserting myself into our conversations, is there a way we can set up a sort of check-in system so I can find an opening without feeling like I’m interrupting you.” Or something along those lines.

Because that’s part of it, right? You have the power to insert yourself into conversations, you’re just not feeling like you have the opportunity with these particular friends. So it could be as simple as establishing a check-in question they pause to ask you, or maybe you could even come up with a subtle hand signal you do to flag that you want to say something when they’re able to come to a natural stopping point.

My biggest concern here is that you say you get “bored” and “bitter” when listening to these friends. You call them “close friends” but if you aren’t comfortable enough to change the subject when they start on a topic that doesn’t interest you, and instead just stew in silence, maybe these just…aren’t the friends for you. I know that sucks to hear, but if you have other relationships that feel more balanced, you’re clearly capable of doing this with some people. And if your communication styles are clashing so hard you can’t find a way to create that same balance in these friendships, maybe you’re just not a good fit. And that’s okay! It doesn’t mean either of you are bad friends, just that maybe you can’t be good friends to each other.

I’m just saying, I have friends who I would (and do) listen to talk about the Real Housewives for hours even though I couldn’t care less about reality TV, because it’s something that excites them and seeing them happy makes me happy. I find my own entry points and ask questions and try to be engaged in the conversations, not because I care about the topic but because I care about the people. If I do start to feel lost in the weeds of the topic, I try to find a natural jumping-off point. “Oh that reminds me of something that happened on this other TV show that I DO watch” and the conversation naturally redirects from there. If these relationships are important to you, it’s key to have these communications with these friends to explain what you need from them. Because it sounds like they’re doing some things on their end – you mention that they do wait for answers to your questions and support you when you need them – so there’s no way for them to know it’s not enough for you. It seems like you already know this, but: you have to either have these hard conversations, or let them go so that this bitterness doesn’t turn into something more sour.

I’m back on the dating scene after a long hiatus and I’m finding that people seem to have really high bars for second dates these days? I had one date with lots of laughs and book talk that lasted multiple hours (and she was the one who recommended extending it) and the next day she said she wasn’t feeling a connection enough for a second date. Another woman said she didn’t feel romantic vibes after we met up for a coffee walk, but how romantic am I supposed to be at 10 am when we’re meeting IRL for the first time? My friend blames it on living in NYC where there are endless options and people are waiting for their soulmate to come along. What gives? Any tips?

Summer: Getting that vaunted second date is always so difficult. I’ll be upfront with you: the first and second dates are the most difficult to secure. The first date — because people are riding on initial impressions and preconceived notions. The second date — because the criteria people have for going on a second date are super varied and there isn’t an established environment of trust where people will be fully honest with each other.

I can’t tell you why your dates didn’t want to meet up again because only they know that truth. And the truth they know isn’t always the one they tell you — women are keenly familiar with lying to protect ourselves when dating. Even in the company of other women, those deeply-taught habits can stick around. Sure, it’s true that NYC is filled with options, but that cuts both ways—more people looking for soulmates also means more people looking for simpler connections. But it could be equally true that your dates had unfair expectations of you that weren’t met. Maybe they weren’t in a good place to continue dating but were unaware of that. Maybe they had reasons (valid or not) that they wanted to conceal, so they gave you a safe answer.

These ‘maybes’ are probably a monologue you’ve already had. An almost inevitable feeling of ‘what could I have done differently’. But I want to tell you that uncertainty, ‘maybes’ and ‘could haves’ are potent sources of anxiety. They’re a line of questioning that leads to wondering what’s up with ‘you’, when dating always involves mixed motivations and people. Since we can only see and control ourselves, we’re inclined to blame ourselves or wonder what is up with ‘us’.

My advice isn’t about securing second dates. Because I think in NYC and with how lovely you are, you’ll have no issue securing dates. My advice is to cherish good dates and see the annoying/bad ones as forward steps in a long journey. Your book talk date sounds lovely and I know the feeling of wanting that feeling again, but there’s still time to preserve its good memory before it becomes a new source of self-doubt about why there wasn’t another encounter. We get taught that dating is a form of performance that hinges on goals and learnable skills. That line of thinking makes us feel like failures when we don’t meet our ‘goals’. Perhaps you’d be open to seeing dating as a process of making memories and meeting people, no matter where it goes?

Nico: I think, also, though you don’t mention it, that dating apps might also have something to do with it, if you’re using them. People can present very differently from the perceptions we get from their profiles — even if they’re being honest. The vibe you get from someone, their energy in a room or in conversation, their quirks — none of these are visible from a little profile. So, I think that dating with apps can lead to fewer second dates if you’re going out with people out who you’re meeting IRL for the first time on the first date.

To that, my recommendation is definitely to keep investing in IRL friendships and groups, to go out and meet people, be involved. Luckily, you’re in NYC so there’s plenty to go too! If you meet a hottie at a queer dance night and there are flirty vibes, it’s way easier to follow up for a date knowing that at least, they won’t be saying they “didn’t feel romantic vibes.” And if you’re using the apps, just have the expectation that it’s a low chance a second date is on the table — and definitely feel okay about deciding that for yourself as well.

Actively dating is a numbers game. People are varying levels of compatible with each other, and dating is just how we figure it out. Like Summer talks about, I recommend cherishing the dates themselves as experiences. Maybe make a list of first date ideas to suggest to potential dates when you’re thinking about what to do together — add some bucket list local activities to it so that even if the date doesn’t go the way you wanted it, at least you went to that baseball game or saw that art show or went to that coffee shop you’ve been meaning to try, right?

I am in a roughly 1-year long on-again, off again with a person who is kind at heart but whose entire experience has been informed by trauma— poverty, emotional abuse, transphobia unspeakably violent assault, ableism, you name it. He has very good reasons for having issues with trust, needing control feeling insecure, and fearing abandonment, but those things are suffocating me and sometimes I feel physically trapped because he’s so reactive when I want to leave a room to give us both space to calm down for a minute during an argument. He’s terminally ill with a very serious condition. He has conservative political views that are slowly changing as we talk about our shared values of being kind, letting people be themselves, and people getting the help they need to survive m, but sometimes he says things about others that seem so cruel they take my breath away. For that alone I feel sometimes like breaking up but it feels impossible.

I came over for Xmas night and one or both of us have had Covid since then and it feels irresponsible to go back to my house where my housemate cares for an infant nannykid who can’t be vaccinated. Also when I’ve tried to leave he’s had really bad health episodes and forbidden me from calling 911, saying he doesn’t want to live anymore. I manage to revive him myself during those times but it’s harrowing. He won’t accept the idea of hiring a second caregiver even though he’s eligible for assistance with it and whenever I bring it up he accuses me of trying to pawn him off on someone else, of not loving him enough. How do I leave someone who will probably literally die if I break up with him and die scared and hating me for it?

Katie: Reading your words, I’m struck by the immense weight of the situation you find yourself in and the way you’ve navigated with love and empathy. But it’s vital to recognize that your own well-being matters just as much as your partner’s. Your partner’s journey has been marked by profound hardship and pain, and it’s evident that you’ve been a beacon of light in his life. But as much as we wish we could heal others with our love, we all have our own limitations and needs. You cannot take on the weight of your partner’s pain alone and you shouldn’t feel obligated to do so. Just because your partner’s behavior is logical based on years of trauma doesn’t make it acceptable. Hurt people hurt people, but that doesn’t make it okay.

I want you to know most of all that no matter what happens with your partner’s health, whether you stay or leave, it is not your fault. I have a family member who had many complex health conditions who would sometimes threaten self harm in a “ if someone doesn’t do X I will….” way and I know it is absolutely heart wrenching to hear. But whenever and however your partner’s life ends it will not be your fault. I need you to know that above all else.

One option that might help you find a way to unburden yourself of a sense of blame while also helping your partner sort out their feelings is by suggesting planning for and considering end of life care and legal protections. Only bring this up if you feel safe though. I say this because while I don’t have a terminal diagnosis I do have multiple incurable chronic illnesses and am active in illness communities and I do know that sometimes people with terminal diagnoses prefer to feel in control of their death by making plans for different situations, like whether they prefer hospice care or home care. I know it’s hard to consider but I do think there’s a possibility your partner may actually mean it when he says he doesn’t want help from 911 or that he doesn’t want to live anymore. If that is true then one legal document your partner could consider is a do no resuscitate order which tells medical providers to avoid any extraordinary life-saving measures. I think there’s an equally good chance he doesn’t mean it and that is coming from a place of fear, pain, internalized ableism about the value of living life while sick, and trauma. If that is the case it is being weaponized unfairly against you when none of this is your fault. But if your partner could work with a non-profit end of life care facility (there are even folks called death doulas which might be worth looking in to) or pro-bono attorney who will ask these difficult questions in an environment where the focus is on making decisions and not a high-emotion situation between the two of you, it might help clarify what he really wants and what he means when he makes these claims.

It’s understandable that the thought of leaving feels like an impossible feat, especially considering his health condition and threats of self harm. But it’s crucial to remember that you are not responsible for his well-being in its entirety – there is only so much you can do as a partner and a caretaker. Your partner’s refusal to accept assistance, coupled with his reaction to your attempts to discuss it is a sign that he needs professional help beyond what you can provide. Encouraging him to seek additional support isn’t an act of abandonment; it’s an acknowledgment of the complexity of his needs and a step towards ensuring he receives the care he deserves. Unfortunately he needs to be willing to accept and seek that care and it sounds as though fear of abandonment is causing him to weaponize and reject things that could help him (For what it’s worth I tried to qualify for caretaker help and was rejected and I would love to be able to access that kind of help so there might be something more going on here like fear of abuse at the hands of the caretaker or fear of relying on and trusting a stranger.)

You cannot sacrifice your own happiness and mental health for the sake of someone else’s. I want you to know that it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being. It’s okay to set boundaries and to recognize when a situation is no longer sustainable for your own mental and emotional health. Leaving someone you love is never easy, especially if you feel that their life hangs in the balance. But staying out of fear of what might happen if you leave isn’t a sustainable or safe solution for either of you. It’s essential to remember that your happiness and safety matter just as much as his. As you navigate this difficult path, I urge you to lean on your support network, to seek guidance from professionals (therapists and non-profits that support victims of emotional abuse can offer resources and help you make a plan to leave as safely as possible), and to remind yourself often that you are worthy and that it is not your fault.

Nico: Whenever I’m facing something difficult like this, or a friend is, if I remember myself, I ask: what would you tell your friend to do in this situation? I don’t know if you’re still in this exact situation right now or if your Covid has cleared and you were able to go back to your own space, but I do think that you would have told your friend to leave as soon as they could. And I think that, like Katie (and Riese, who is following me here), that you should leave — both the physical space and the relationship.

Your staying will not change or alleviate the situation because these patterns seem ingrained into your dynamic, are possibly going to worsen if/as your partner’s mental health worsens. Also, to be perfectly honest, performing caregiving duties and loving someone are two separate things. If he’s eligible for paid care and he loves you, why wouldn’t he take the paid care to give you some relief and space for yourself? We, of course, often do what we must for people we love — we go out of our way to care and support our friends and partners and families, but this seems like another way of controlling you; because if you feel obligated to perform caregiving duties (that he can, again, get support for), then you’ll be around. But in a loving and not controlling partnership, both parties are choosing, enthusiastically, to spend time with each other (for the most part — we all have our rides to the airport and harrowing medical appointments and moving days and such). But overall, that’s how it should be.

It sounds like he’s capable of change and, like you said, he’s probably kind at heart and obviously there are things you like about him. Needing to leave him doesn’t make him an Evil Person or 100% bad or anything, it just means the dynamic is unhealthy for you — and that’s enough.

And I have to say, that in the times when someone has threatened suicide / held their potentially dying over me in a relationship, it has always been emotional manipulation. I know it’s scary to revive him. It would be great if he accepted the help available. It’s not your fault if he chooses not to access that help. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. You’re also not a bad person. You’re a caring, considerate, empathetic person — as is evidenced by all the consideration you’ve put toward everyone in your question, but it’s time to stick up for yourself, put some space between you two, and let yourself breathe a little.

Riese: First of all, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, what you are experiencing is unfair and unbearable on so many levels. Secondly, the sooner you get out of this person’s life, the better, for both of you. If he takes his own life after you leave, that doesn’t make it your fault, that is something happening inside of his brain that existed before you and after you. I also suspect that he is using the threat of suicide as a weapon to emotionally manipulate you, and it is one of the cruelest (and most immature, imo) weapons to brandish. I hesitate to make any generalizations here, but usually if someone wants to kill themselves, they will, they won’t tell people about it ‘cause they don’t want to be stopped.

I also don’t want to make you any promises but I had to get out of a situation like this myself once, because the abuse and the damage to my own life had escalated to a point that could not continue — and she is still alive and well, and honestly she wouldn’t have been forced to get the help she needed if I hadn’t left. You have to leave.

Trauma and mental illness hurts us and sometimes makes us want or do or say terrible things to the people we love. But it doesn’t excuse those things, you know? It informs them and often explains them, and it can therefore be useful when attempting to heal from them.

But it doesn’t excuse them. It doesn’t sound to me like you exist at all in this relationship, and the fact that you have less trauma or better physical or mental health doesn’t mean you don’t deserve peace, happiness, kindness and love. You are not this person’s punching bag. As Laneia once told me when I was sobbing on the floor of my garage after a terrible fight in a crumbling relationship: “This is not the world. You are.”

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