Is there anything on the planet more exciting than the season premiere of Pretty Little Liars?! There is! It’s the winter premiere of Pretty Little Liars!! After months and months with only a mid-October Halloween Spooktacular to hold us over, the “most tweeted show in America” is finally returning to us!

We’re three and a half seasons in and if you haven’t figured out what’s going on by now I couldn’t possibly catch you up. Couldn’t possibly. But just in case you’re playing from home and need a quick reminder, when we last saw our Liars they were trying to stay abreast with the goings on of A and stalked about Ravenswood until eventually they found Ali and chatted up her totally living face.

Unfortunately little do the Liars know that EzrA is actually A. Well the latest A to be revealed after Mona, Toby, Spencer, Lucas, Melissa, Wilden and Cece. Also Caleb fell in love with a ghost in Ravenswood on his spin-off sereies Ravenswood  but that’s another story for another day.

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We open on a dark and stormy night in Rosewood—actually, I think in Rosewood you just call that a regular night—where the Liars are discussing the question that plagues all of us: where the fuck has Alison been all this time?

Maybe she’s been off addicted to Candy Crush!

Or maybe she’s been training for the Winter Olympics!

Although based on Brittney Griner’s instagram I think she’s BG’s new secret girlfriendnotgirlfriend.

Wait. I am so dumb. Season 4a ended at the end of August… Alison must have been at October A-Camp!

Well that settles that for me, but I suppose not for the Liars. They bicker about Ali’s whereabouts, but I’m too distracted to make sense of it because, holy shit, Emily’s sweatshirt and shorts combo. I could die right here. And not just because the thought of wearing shorts and a T-shirt right now literally freezes me to death.

The Liars are sort of… not really that happy that Alison is back. I would say they’re decidedly unhappy. Probably because she’s been potentially fucking with them for like two years and they’ve already attended like two funerals, one memorial and at least one fashion show in her memory.

We then move on to speculation about who Ali is scared of. We all know it’s probably EzrA who’s probably Big A who’s probably Board Shorts who’s probably also Gossip Girl.

Side note: if EzrA is Board Shorts or knew Alison before she died then he probably knew Aria before he met her in the bar.

Which means that this scene:

turns into this scene:

The next morning/week/month the Liars head to the crypt where Alison’s remains were buried. It’s important that they be there, you see, so Hanna can set up a theory that  will carry the girls throughout this half of the season.

If Alison is alive than someone else was found under the gazebo in her yard and someone else is in her box in the crypt. Who the fuck is in that box? Box box box. Who’s in the box. Box. Vagina.

Finding the girl who actually died is the key to unlocking what the fuck is going on. I hope it’s Samara. That would explain why a lesbian ex dropped off the face of the planet and hasn’t reeappeared to cause drama.

I have a theory too: I think the writers and I. Marlene King are so confused and have written themselves into so many corners that now they just read through Tumblr until they find a fan’s plausible A theory. Then they just re-write that fan’s most recent fanfic into the next episode. Genius.

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One. Week. Later. (Aka enough time for everything on Ravenswood to take place.)

Emily pops by to see Alison’s psycho pastel mother, Jessica DiLaurentis. Remember, Jessica is the woman who redecorated Alison’s room to look exactly as she left it in so bizarre attempt to pretend her daughter is still alive (which she is, apparently). Today is no exception. Fresh linens and sheets for her daughter who she Definitely Doesn’t Think Is Secretly Alive.

Emily asks about Jason and Jessica says he’s off on a road trip but if there’s an emergency she has his contact information. Most of us just call this a cell phone number.

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At her house, Hanna googles “teen girl gets super dead in Pennsylvania.” Before she can read the results, Ashley Marin walks in and the two have a heart to heart about how Ashley definitely didn’t kill Wilden but still can’t find a job. Also Hanna’s dad wants to take her to Australia which she sooooo does not want to do because idk she’s an idiot or something. Ashley really thinks she should do this because Australia is awesome and we haven’t seen Hanna’s weird step-sister in a while.

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At school Aria, Emily and Spencer discuss whether Jessica DiLaurentis is sort of completely crazy or completely completely crazy. Just then some caveman shows up in a gold truck and everyone vomits everywhere.  Mona agrees and almost hits Toby and Spencer with her car.

At school Lesbian Paige and Lesbian Emily have lunch together. Lesbian Paige wants to tell Lesbian Emily all about her new found love of her hair straightener, but all Lesbian Emily wants to do is kegels.

Thus began the most realistic depiction of lesbian fighting on TV ever written in the history or TV or, quite possibly, the history of writing.

I’d be lying if I said that I hadn’t been on both ends of that conversation. That doesn’t make it any less crazy or mind boggling when you happen to be the Paige in this situation.

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In the halls Mona tromps up to Hanna and asks if she wants to take a victory ride in Jenna’s old mustang. I guess Mona bought it or something.

I can’t remember why Mona thinks they’re friends again, particularly because they are certainly in competition for whose outfit is most likely to be featured in an upcoming Hunger Games movie. My money is on Mona.

In class, shit gets so meta that I can’t even handle what’s going on here. Ezra discusses the novella Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde and the idea that everyone knows the plot but not the story. The original writing was so amazing that the book became and classic and then, inevitably a cliché.

So yes, not only is EzrA presenting to the Liars a story about a man with two sides—one moral and one amoral—the writers are self-aware enough to point out that this plot device is an old cliché that probably makes the viewers want to roll their eyes. Perhaps not just the cliché of a man with a double life but also because Ezra being A is just a little too much of a “The Butler Did It” situation.

More than that, this storyline is totally overdone even on Pretty Little Liars. Toby and Mona were both significant others/BFFs who turned out to be A! Still, here I feel like the writers are saying, “Just wait. We will get you on this one in the end.”

Also, for the record, Ezra is writing on the board “You must suffer me to go my own dark way,” as passage from the novella. In case you were wondering, it follows:

I have brought on myself a punishment and a danger that I cannot name. If I am the chief of sinners, I am the chief of sufferers also.

FYI EzrA I have no pity for your suffering.

As usual the bell rings before EzrA can finish teaching because he is literally the worst ever at planning out a lesson. Before the Liars can leave his classroom, EzrA calls Aria over to speak with him, as usual. Except this time the scary music plays.

Basically Ezra’s like, “After you graduate let’s both leave this hellhole let’s go be together forever.” Aria’s like “maybe maybe not idk brb.” In other words we don’t get her response.

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Meanwhile Hanna, Aria and Spencer meet in the school computer lab to check up on the articles Hanna found about The Girl Inside the Box. This feels like something that could have been settled over GChat.

Either way, Hanna decided that the number one Box Candidate is this chick Sara who, according to her friends and family, ran off with her boyfriend. 90 bucks say the boyfriend turns out to be Ezra.

Hanna took some initiative and already emailed Runaway Sara’s friends pretending they should start a My Blonde Friend Left Me support group.

Just then a perfectly placed projector cues up and starts all on its own projecting a creepy 1950s style educational video. It ends with our very first message from A!

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We interrupt this episode to present you the premiere of Lucy Hale’s brand new music video You Sound Good To Me! It starts out as the most heteronormative thing that’s ever been on abcFamily but there is a girl in a plaid shirt towards the end. What I mean to say is if I had to watch it you have to watch it.

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At her home, Spencer asks her father, Peter Hastings if he knows where Jason is. I had to google who Peter Hastings is, as he is one of those characters I repeatedly forget about because everyone in Rosewood’s parents are constantly out of town and all middle-age white men look the same. Also I feel like Nolan North (the actor) had some work done. I don’t know, none of my business I guess.

Later Toby comes over and flaps his stupid mouth about his mom and her psychiatrist and Radley and stuff. Don’t care.

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Meanwhile, Hanna uses a butter knife to pick open the lock on Ali’s diary (the one she stole from EzrA’s lair). I would just cut the leather strap but then again I’m an asshole with no respect for other people’s journals.

Hanna gives up on her diary breaking and entering mission when she gets a GChat from Runaway Sara’s friends! They’re totes down for coffee. Date night!

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Hanna, Aria and Spencer head over to the Life Cafe where Emily is working her usual after-school job as a lesbian barista. Aria and Hanna try to strike up conversation about how Ali’s back and isn’t that cool?! Unfortunately Emily’s in a pretty bad mood about the whole Ali’s Alive thing. Probably because she’s an angry lesbian who’s probably on her period.

Just then Caleb came back! He is definitely an angry lesbian on his period. Also I was totally right about Ravenswood taking place over the course of a week.

He explains to Hanna that now that he has his own TV show and is sort of in love with a ghost he’s going to visit her but she, like, probably shouldn’t visit him. I mean, if Hanna comes to Ravenswood would she bring supernatural shit back to Rosewood? It’s hard to say. Anyways he’s back because he missed Hanna and also the two just can’t go that long without fucking and/or adopting a new cat.

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Toby and Spencer run off somewhere to blackmail the leader of the company that owns Radley. This turns out to be pretty effective and by the time they’re through the company leader has agreed to put on permanent record that Toby’s mom didn’t kill herself.

Toby and Spencer bring this news back to Peter Hastings who decides maybe it’s time to take it one step further and get Radley shutdown completely.

God I could not care less about Toby and his caveman face, so obviously I’ve truncated this part a bit. The only interesting part of any of this is the woman who owns Radley and her complete lack of compassion for Toby. I liked that part.

Emily and Hanna meet up with two friends of Runaway Sara for a Who’s In The Box coffee date. Immediately, before anyone could say anything, I paused the show so my girlfriend and I could ogle one of the girls.

I mean look at this fucking dyke. That plaid shirt. The short, unpainted nails. The leaning on her elbows. The crooked smile.

Look at her.

Seriously just look at her. 

This actress has like tenth degree congenital gay face. She is TV lesbian gold and if she doesn’t have sex with Emily I will just die.

I suppose I should point out that I think that other girl is also supposed to look a bit like Hanna. Like this is supposed to be a doppleganger situation. In my conspiracy theory world these girls were paid off by A to pretending to be in the same situation as the Liars. Like those little girls with the dolls.

Anyways Runaway Sara was last seen on her bike the day after Labor Day the weekend Ali went missing. The important takeaway there is that she was last seen with her bike and is therefore also a lesbian. Just kidding, the important takeaway is that the cement was poured over whoever was buried in Ali’s place ON Labor Day. In other words this chick is not in that box.

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Elsewhere MonA runs into EzrA.

She has some really impressive side buns I would have been jealous of back in junior high when I used to rock such a hair style.

Anyways MonA lays it on thick with EzrA that the Liars just love him and she’s jealous of the attention he gives them. I can’t tell if she wants to fuck him or team up with him. Potentially both. Hey it might work out for her, EzrA just loves high school girls.

MonA and EzrA scurry off to have coffee. MonA is a little heavy handed in her suggestion that EzrA is A. She points out all the books about masks and secret identities and how EzrA keeps making the girls write essays on the topics of Why Aria’s Boobs Look So Good In Leather and Why It’s Sometimes Okay For High School Teachers To Date Students.

But EzrA is not having any of it. Not one lick.

EzrA then delivers such a sharp, sinister and manipulative monologue/threat to MonA that I made my girlfriend let me rewind it three times to watch it. It was that good.

  

It was so aggressive, sneaky and deliberate that it really, for the first time, made me so happy that EzrA got put on the A Team. Since Mona, this the first time someone has been revealed as A who I thought actually displayed the cunning, malice and megalomania to pull it off.

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An arbitrary distance away, Hanna comes home and to everyone’s joy Jessica DiLaurentis has just hired Ashley to work in her real estate office. You see, even though Ashley has never worked as a real estate agent even once on this show, she’s actually been keeping up her license for years.

Then Jessica says Ali showed up in her dreams and suggested the whole thing. I’ve always thought she was a little cray.

Hanna runs off to tell Caleb about her encounter with Jessica, but unfortunately he’s not so great at distinguishing between dream and reality anymore. Caleb explains that he can’t explain anything about Ravenswood but that he definitely has to go back. That is Hanna’s least favorite idea ever.

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A hop skip and a jump away, in the middle of nowhere, EzrA pulls up in a car. Aria does her best impersonation of Autostraddle’s Viral Bear asks if they can go somewhere and talk. EzrA’s like, “Fuck yes, I’ve got the perfect place. It’s sort of more of a lair but you’ll get used to it soon.”

EzrA and Aria pull up to some Mystery Cottage. EzrA is quick to point out that it has no internet or cell service. How convenient!

Aria asks EzrA what he wants and for a second I think that she knows he’s A. It was a good second. But actually she’s just talking about all the feelings.

She points out that she’s still with Sensei Hot Stuff even though we learn something new she doesn’t like about him in every episode and he’s out of town and he’s basically just a really good-looking chimp. Plus everything is super confusing right now, what with constantly being threatened and her friend maybe not being dead. EzrA’s like nbd I don’t care. Here let me make it up to you by giving you the keys to this apartment. Wait what? I literally cannot fathom how having the house makes any sense or helps her any more than handing her a bushel of kale.

He tells her it can be their little secret. EzrA loves a little secret.

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At the Life Cafe Emily closes up the shop alone. There’s a creepy creepy pounding at the door. Who’s at the door?

Is it Paige looking for some backdoor loving? How about that  hot plaid-wearing lezzie one from earlier?

Nope! It’s Claire! The Hanna lookalike from earlier! Bummer.

Emily and Claire talk late into the night even though Emily knows she’s probably going to get an earful from Paige about emotional cheating. Claire explains that her friend Sara wasn’t a wonderful, kind friend. She was beautiful and cruel and in the wake of her disappearance she and the other Fliars (get it? fake liars) are unable to move on. Sounds familiar. I hope she and Emily bond over this. In their pants.

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Across town Caleb tries to leave but Hanna does her best to keep him. He explains, yet again, that he can’t tell her anything about Ravenswood, it’s complicated, she wouldn’t understand etc etc etc.

Here’s the big misstep abcFamily made by with the Ravenswood spin off: Caleb really can’t ever tell Hanna what’s going on. Like ever. All of the supernatural stuff on Ravenswood breaks the rules of Pretty Little Liars’s reality. Sure on Pretty Little Liars your best friend can spend years tormenting and threatening you as a masked killer, your best friend can have faked her own death, you can break into any office building in the middle of the night and high school lesbians are beautiful abundant. But there are no ghosts and nothing that seems supernatural can’t be explained by trickery. Those are the rules of Pretty Little Liar’s reality.

If Caleb goes and introduces fantasy into that reality than the whole fabric of the first four seasons falls apart. Plot lines can be explained away with ghosts and side elements added for effect and spook factor becomes suddenly potentially important. All that is unfair to the viewers and would make the show sort of… pointless. Unwatchable.

So Caleb’s got to go. Unfortunately he’s one of the more beloved characters on the show and my favorite TV portrayal of a teen lesbian. These are sad times we live in.

Then Hanna does some crying that’s about Caleb but probably also about her day. Fortunately her mom is there because the moral of this story is that men are terrible and you can only count on women. And you can take that one straight to the lesbian bank.

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Over at Spencer’s, Papa Hastings further muses about getting Radley shut down. He points out that it’s basically the reincarnation of Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane and probably should get torn down. Also it made him feel sad when Spencer was an inpatient and sick there. Knowing Papa Hasting it probably also hides a big family secret no one wants to talk about.

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Over at the Mystery  Cottage Ezra lies in bed staring at Aria staring out the window. They’ve maybe had sex or maybe just felt like taking their pants off and getting into bed and snuggling.

EzrA looks over to the floor where there’s a door. I think that’s the door to where A’s stuff it kept. Or maybe where someone’s corpse is. I hope it’s filled with EzrA masks and we discover EzrA is actually Samara who has been posing as EzrA this whole time to sleep with Aria. Just a thought.

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Just when I thought this was going to be a light on the Paily action episode, Emily swings by Paige’s house.

Let the lesbian cage-fighting begin!

Not really/I wish. Actually Paige was really good about it because she’s a sometimes one-dimensional love-Emily robot who defies every high school lesbian by being completely not jealous of Emily’s former dead lovers at all, even though dead former lovers are the BEST former lovers to be jealous of.

What Emily ends up describing is basically the idea that Ali never really loved her. Maybe she never even cared about her. That she was manipulated and taken for granted. Even the fact that Emily phrases it “let me kiss her” indicates that it wasn’t something Ali wanted to engage in or was part of, it was something she allowed Emily to do, probably in exchange for something else.

Even though Emily’s reflection comes on the coattails of discussing Claire’s experience with Sara, and is in a lot of ways specific to having one super manipulative friend, I think what’s she’s expressing is actually a common phase in growing up as a lesbian. A lot of us all, at one point or another, have to reflect on that first straight girl crush and what it meant to her versus what it meant to us. It’s important to stop beating yourself up and realize that it’s not your fault that some straight girl didn’t like you. That’s not a reflection on who you are.

Emily is realizing that it’s not her fault that Ali didn’t have feelings for her. That there was nothing she could have done, even with a time machine, that would make Ali love her. It just wasn’t in the cards for them.

Then Paige and Emily kiss. Just kidding lesbians don’t kiss. They hold hands and have feelings.

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Across town Hanna hangs out next to Caleb’s car. I don’t know how she tracked him down but she insists she needs a better goodbye.

The two had a moderately less dramatic farewell and Hanna passes him his tea through the car window and he tells her he’s not going to forget anything.

At this point this has already secured itself as an even more lesbian scene than the lesbian scene before it until, wait for it, Caleb drives away and starts crying in the car.

Well, what else should we expect from my very favorite lesbian on the show.

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The Liars reconvene the next day at Ali’s crypt again. Fresh off her emotionally trying breakup, Hanna finally comes clean about the diary. She explains that she hadn’t told them sooner because of what the diary said about all of them. I guess Ali had a lot of secrets to tell.

In the final creepy A scene someone heads right into EzrA’s Mystery cabin and lifts up that floor door. Unfortunately we don’t get to see who it is or what they do. Shocker.

Also usual this episode left me about 45% satisfied and hungry for about 100% more lesbian content. Maybe we’ll have better luck next week when, fingers crossed, we’ll get to see Paige kick over a trashcan again or something.

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