Swarsweep to some woods and a picnic table which we haven’t seen since last year’s season finale. Last year at this spot Jenna gave someone a package and told them, “They’re all going to be at the party. You know what you need to do.” This time, Jenna meets up with this same someone someone and tells them literally the exact same thing. Literally.

YOU NEED TO JUMP SHAKE YOUR BOOTY JUMP JUMP SHAKE YOUR BOOTY

The only difference is that Jenna is being awful…romantic? Yup, Jenna’s got a new someone in her life. Which is awesome when it turns out to be Shana. Yup. Talkin’ bout some Grrl Sexxxx. What will we call them? Shanenna? Jenana?

YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU SLEPT WITH YOUR STEP BROTHER? OKAY I’M OUT OF HERE

Shana also asks about Jenna’s eyesight which is apparently rapidly going. I want to care about that but all I can think about is how long Jenna’s been into girls. This does sort of explain the sex eyes Jenna kept giving Emily in that Halloween flashback episode.

FYI THIS IS HOW LESBIANS HAVE SEX

Elsewhere, Ezra and Aria meet up on a park bench outside Rosewood’s one strip of shops. Aria confronts him about the job and he admits he got it but wasn’t going to take it because then they’d have to break up. I’d like to point out that it is just as inappropriate to teach at a high school that your ex-girlfriend attends as it is to teach at a high school that your current girlfriend attends. The key element here isn’t “current” versus “ex.” It’s “high school.” Ezra is just totally totally totally not ready to make any choices that don’t include Aria. Welp, that’s what happens when you change all of your life plans for someone in the first place.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW? DATE MELISSA LIKE EVERYONE ELSE?

I get that their breakup is supposed to be circumstantial, but I like a breakup with a little more umph. Like giving your phone number to your girlfriend’s friend. Or finding out that your fiance kissed your sister. Or the sudden realization that your boyfriend of a year has been secretly working with the bad guys who are ruining your life. This feels a bit weak.

I’M TORN BETWEEN MAKING A PENIS JOKE AND POINTING OUT THAT ADULT RELATIONSHIPS ARE SOMETIMES HARD

Starsweep to A’s favorite diner where it’s snack time. A flips through some sexy pics of Jenna from earlier. The leather glove thing still bugs the hell out of me.

THIS DOESN’T WORK. ANNOYING.

TobAy walks in and the waitress I.Ds him as “pretty eyes.” In case you haven’t also spent the last four hours following the trail of clues, that’s what the same waitress called A when they blackmailed Dr. Sullivan at the diner. We already knew TobAy was the one who got Dr. Sullivan to come back at the end of Season Two, so it makes sense that he was the one blackmailing her in the first place. This also means TobAy has been on the A team since at least the middle of the second season. That’s 36 whole episodes!

THAT’S RIGHT. I’M BACK. AND I CAN’T WAIT TO TRY THE CORNED BEEF SANDWICH

TobAy walks over to meet A at a table and which A is there? SpAncer!

GOD SPANCER LOOKS HOT IN A HOODIE. LIKE A REALLY CUTE KITTEN WHO IS ALSO WEARING A HOODIE.

That’s right, Spencer did the big confrontation thing with TobAy. He’s totally alive and claiming he did all the A shit for her. SpAncer says she got his phone number from MonA’s A-Mobile which means that the text to Jenna could just be coincidental. That being said, the internet told me that it was the same phone number that MonA receives from Ali/Vivian Darkbloom in that flashback where she wants to get popular. So potentially this is just a the number for a phone used by the A-Team.

WHEN SPENCER CRIES I WANT TO CRY

SpAncer: You let me believe you were dead?
TobAy: Everything I’ve done so I could protect you
SpAncer: I want to believe that
Lizz: I want to vomit

So logically TobAy and SpAncer run off to a motel together.

At the motel room TobAy and SpAncer have all the feelings. Mostly TobAy just gives more, “Wah wah wah I did it for you” and squeezes out few tears. I’ll spare you the details. I think he’s totally faking and we all know it. If he’s not faking it’s just because the writers bended to the Spoby shippers. Also SpAncer’s hair looks bad for the first time ever, which I think is a sign that something is afoot.

HOW COME ALL THE OTHER BRUNETTES GET SWEET LESBIANS PLOT LINES?

GOD I HATE MY CHARACTER

Starsweep across town to Ezra’s Annex where Hanna babysits for Malcolm and tries to get him to pin the Alison on the picture. Hanna scans through all her pictures but Malcolm is only able to identify “that girl my mom calls Jail Bait.”

DID THIS GIRL PICK YOU UP? DID SHE MAYBE MAKE A WHOLE BUNCH OF WEIRDLY CODED AND THINLY VEILED THREATS?

Hanna leaves Malcolm with her cell phone in order to be the only high school student in the country to use the landline to call their friend. Hanna calls up Emily to report her non-findings. Just as she does Emily, who is out for a run, spots Melissa knocking on Jenna’s door.

YOU THINK SHE WOULD HAVE LEARNED BY NOW NOT TO GO RUNNING ALONE AT NIGHT IN ROSEWOOD

Emily tells Hanna she’ll call her back. And does some window snooping. Why don’t these girls ever give each other details? Like, “Oh shit Melissa is outside of Jenna’s house banging on the door. I’m going to spy through the window and probably see some lezzie action between Jenna and Shana while I’m at it. I’m sending you a picture of it.” Not telling their friends what’s up is how the Liars get into trouble!

WELCOME TO THE WEEKLY MEETING OF “SLEPT WITH GARRETT ANONYMOUS”

Jenna: I don’t understand they have the tapes and–
Melissa: I do understand but those bitches are going to be at the Lodge at nine. Do you understand?

My initial inclination was to be like “Oh shit they’re all on the A team! But I don’t think they are. They’re on whatever team Garret and Ian were on before they died. And probably Cece too. The B-Team. I guess technically that would be the NAT Club. I’d also like to point out that the initials of “Not A Team” is NAT. I think I just solved Pretty Little Liars

CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW GAY SHANA’S SILK BANDANA IS?

Having hung up the phone with Emily, Hanna makes Malcolm a snack because babysitting is 90% snack prep. Malcolm continues to play with her phone while Hanna does some fat shaming and lightly monologues about her eating disorder. It was a bad moment.

THIS IS WHAT PROPAGANDA DESIGNED TO MAKE YOU HATE YOURSELF LOOKS LIKE

A picture text of Alison and Spencer pops up and Malcolm declares to have found A! Hanna is totally confused, thinking Malcolm is talking about Alison. I was really hoping it would be Alison too, but SpAncer fessed up to TobAy. It was about as surprising as when the Titanic crashes.

EVEN MALCOLM KNOWS THE REAL POINT OF THIS SHOW.

Suddensweep to Hanna’s where she, Emily and Aria freak out and dish over the whole situation. Everyone processes SpAncer’s behavior in their own way. These ways are surprisingly consistent with their personality throughout the show. Aria immediately jumps on board with whoever is indicated as A:

REALLY? CRAZIER THAN WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOUR DAD WAS A?

Emily is moderately naive and doesn’t want to believe anyone close to them would betray them:

SWEET SWEET EMILY

And Hanna said something hilarious and off topic:

OR MAYBE A BRAIN TRANSPLANT?

Hanna turns up some music because, hey, these kids just really wanna dance. Don’t we all? JK it’s actually just the first smart thing anyone’s done all episode/season to keep A from hearing them as they hatch a plan to figure out what’s what with SpAncer.

DON’T THESE KIDS LOOK LIKE THEY’VE GOT THEIR DANCING SHOES ON?!

In case you’re wondering what SpAncer is doing during all that, she and TobAy are having a continuous one minute and 32 second sex scene in which the camera alternates between a gyrating SpAncer and the weird blue motel sign. We get it. They’re doing it in a motel. Why do TobAy and SpAncer always get such long graphic romantic sex scenes when Paige hasn’t even made an appearance this episode. Unless you count all Caleb’s feelings, literally the only lesbosexy thing we’ve seen since Episode 320 was Jenna and Shana linking fingers.

THIS IS THE ONLY PART OF THE SCENE I’M SHOWING BECAUSE WHILE I DON’T SUPPORT A MINUTE AND A HALF SPOBY SEXY SCENE, I ALWAYS SUPPORT NO PANTS.

The next morning it’s swim meet day at Rosewood High!

ROSEWOOD HIGH HAS MORE MONEY FOR BANNERS THAN ANY SCHOOL EVER.

Aria and Ezra meet at school to have a lot of feelings but ultimately break up.

THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID.
(THIS ONE WAS MUCH MORE STRAIGHTFORWARD)

I sort of thought they were already broken up. Is this their third break-up in as many days? It’s actually pretty cool because they totally mimic their stairwell scene from the pilot.

NOTHING SAYS ROMANCE LIKE FLOOR TO CEILING WINDOWS.

Don’t worry, I’m sure they’ll be back together next season.

BECAUSE IT WORKED OUT SO WELL WHEN WE TRIED NOT DATING WHILE I WAS IN YOUR SCHOOL LAST TIME

Wait. Seven months? That makes it November? Shouldn’t they be applying to colleges? Shouldn’t there be snow on the ground? This season started labor day weekend. Does that mean it’s only been like three months since this season started? We better see snow falling next season.

Later, the Sharks and the Red Devils finally have that swim meet. SpAncer shows up because even though she’s bad now she still has a fuck-ton of school spirit. I mean, college recruiters definitely pick up on these things.

ALTHOUGH REALLY SPENCER, YOU COULDN’T HAVE THROWN ON A BLUE RHS SWEATSHIRT FOR THE OCCASION?

SpAncer spots Red Coat, but due to the official rules of school sporting events, everyone is wearing red coats. Spencer follows Red Coat best she can through the school finally finding herself in the good old fashioned women’s bathroom. Red Coat turns around and it’s… Hanna?

IN WHICH HANNA DISCOVERS HER TRUE CALLING AS LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD

But then the other Liars pop out and it’s just a scam.

HANNA MARIN AS LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
SPENCER HASTINGS AS THE BIG BAD WOLF
EMILY FIELDS AS TRACK SUIT WEARING GRANDMA
ARIA MONTGOMERY AS THE GIRL WHO WAS TOO COOL TO TRY OUT FOR THE PLAY

The Liars should be mad but they’re not because BFF really does stand for Best Friends FOREVER. Even when your friend openly turns on you. It doesn’t matter though because SpAncer reveals that she’s actually just a double agent for the Liars. Well, SpAncer was short lived, I just she’s just back to being Spencer now. Smiles for everyone!

BROUGHT TO YOU BY DELTA DENTAL INSURANCE!

Except Emily who looks stoned.

HEY MAN.. YOU LOOK.. ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU HOW SHINY YOUR HAIR IS?… LET’S GET A PIZZA

Shouldn’t Emily be swimming in the swim meet that’s going on right now? Shouldn’t Paige be at this swim meet too instead of out of town on her magical mystery vacation? Spencer also tells them that TobAy is alive and I think Emily almost shits her pants. She is so fucking weird about TobAy. Like so fucking weird.

HE’S ALIVE?! GREAT BECAUSE HE HAS PAIGE’S FAVORITE BOW TIE

Spencer reveals that the whole party is a set-up, duh, and that Red Coat just wants to get the whole gang together for a riveting game of Truth or Dare. They all revel in the idea that they are one step ahead of Red Coat, so you know they must be one step behind.

I’VE GOT A PLAN. BUT WE’RE GOING TO NEED A BLOW DRYER, THREE CHICKENS, A SPORTS CAR AND A GALLON OF MAYO

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