Pretty Little Liars Recap 322: Will the Circle Jerk Be Unbroken?

Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, the only show on television specifically devoted to fucking with your head and casting former child stars as parents. This week, Emily meets an olympic swimmer and Spencer reenacts the entire plot line of Girl, Interrupted.

As you might remember, when we last visited Rosewood, Spencer had a borderline offensive “Break with Reality” out in the woods. We open on Rosewood High that very same morning where Spencer, obviously, hasn’t shown up to homeroom or even lunch. MonA spies on the girls, I assume to figure out if they know where Spencer is so she can get back to fucking with her.

AND LATER I’LL USE THIS MIRROR TO LEARN ALL ABOUT MY BODY

Melissa stops by the school to see if the Liars know where Spencer is at, but they’re just as confused as she is! The Liars realize if Melissa doesn’t even know where Spencer is something must seriously be wrong!

ARIA, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT TO MEET THE NEW ENGLISH TEACHER. ARE YOU INTERESTED?

EVERYTHING EMILY LEARNED ABOUT GIVE BLOWJOBS SHE LEARNED FROM GOOGLING PORN WHILE SORTING OUT HER SEXUAL ORIENTATION

So where is that rascal Spencer anyways? As it turns out she is in Radley Asylum for the Criminally Insane. Remember, in Rosewood they don’t take sick girls to the ER, they take them to mental hospitals that looks like prisons. She’s playing solitaire because at Radley the only things you’re allowed to do are play cards or speak in riddles.

STRIP POKER FOR ONE

An orderly comes in and changes Spencer’s bandages. It becomes apparent that she’s still being called a Jane Doe. He also explains that Spencer is only in the hospital because there’s a law that lets paramedics take you to the hospital instead of jail. Wait. Why on earth would Spencer go to jail for being out in the woods?

DON’T WORRY, THIS WILL ONLY PINCH FOR A MINUTE.

Either way, the orderly tells Spencer she is going to have a psych evaluation for her amnesia. Spencer moves on to the “riddles” portion of staying at Radley, but it’s still pretty obvious she knows exactly who she is. This girl doesn’t have amnesia for shit. For a moment I was really excited and thought maybe Spencer was just trying to get into Radley to dig up dirt on MonA.

CRAZY ISN’T BEING BROKEN, OR SWALLOWING A DARK SECRET. IT’S YOU, OR ME, AMPLIFIED. IF YOU EVER TOLD A LIE, AND ENJOYED IT. IF YOU EVER WISHED YOU COULD BE A CHILD, FOREVER. THEY WERE NOT PERFECT, BUT THEY WERE MY FRIENDS.

That afternoon at the Marin’s, Hanna and Ashley are still on pins and needles. Hanna’s not so worried, but Ashley won’t even pick up phone calls from her pastor boyfriend because she’s so nervous she could get arrested for murder any day now.

AFTER I’VE TAKEN A THREE HOUR MED SCHOOL EXAM

Over at Ezra’s Annex, Aria does some stressing of her own. The Liars still haven’t found Spencer and Ezra is all stressed out.

LIKE WORLD HUNGER AND PHYSICS PROBLEMS

Ezra is super stressed about money and work. He seems to want to go back to teaching. That would probably be fine right? As long as he only teaches college students. Or puppies. Then this little pearl of total lesbianism happens.

THIS SHIT IS SO GAY IT LEGALLY GOT MARRIED IN THE STATE OF MASSACHUSETTS.

Over at the church, Hanna and Ashley meet up with Ashley’s boyfriend Pastor Ted. He is so freaking psyched that Caleb’s dad is rebuilding the steeple so well. But we don’t have time for that plotline because Wilden shows up!

WAIT. CAN YOU EXPLAIN THE PLOTLINE TO THIS SHOW AGAIN? START FROM THE BEGINNING

That’s right, the guy who we thought was dead. Just kidding, I don’t believe anyone on this show is dead until I see their face in that ridiculous blue makeup they use for dead people. I’ve never been happier to see Wilden– mostly because I think the Caleb’s Dad Story is boring. Wilden doesn’t have much to say except P.S. I’m not dead.

PROVING YET AGAIN THAT THE BEST PLACE TO HIDE FROM AN EX IS BEHIND YOUR TEENAGE DAUGHTER.

Back over at Radley, the only therapist in town shows up to do Spencer’s psych eval. No, not Wren, he’s the only doctor in town. It’s Dr. Sullivan again!

AMBIVALENCE SUGGESTS STRONG FEELINGS… IN OPPOSITION. THE PREFIX, AS IN “AMBIDEXTROUS,” MEANS “BOTH.” THE REST OF IT, IN LATIN, MEANS “VIGOR.” THE WORD SUGGESTS THAT YOU ARE TORN… BETWEEN TWO OPPOSING COURSES OF ACTION.

Don’t worry, I’m sure Wren will be by to accidentally fall on Spencer’s mouth or offer her unsolicited medical advice in whatever his specialty is these days. Dr. Sullivan hits the ground running and gets Spencer to admit who she is and even that she saw TobAy’s dead body. That might be the most impressive therapy we’ve ever seen from this woman.

I MEAN A REAL L WORD DOCUMENTARY? WHO DOES THAT?

At Aria’s house she and Byron have a nice little heart to heart. I like how now we don’t suspect him at all. Either way Aria wants Byron to give Ezra a job. Byron is like, “Meh.” I’d probably have the same reaction if my 17 year old daughter wanted help for her 35 year old boyfriend.

OH RIGHT AND COULD I ALSO BORROW LIKE 2K? EZRA AND I WANTED TO GET SOME REALLY HOT STRIPPERS THIS WEEKEND. COOL THANKS!

Starsweep to Radley where Dr. Sullivan has taking a quick T.O. to let Spencer recuperate from all the amazing therapizing she’s getting. Melissa shows up and tries to figure out what the fuck is going on. Melissa sobs explaining that it never occurred to her that Spencer might be in real pain. She just figured she was a huge bitch who needed to get the fuck over herself. Mostly I just want Melissa to fess up about what happened The Night Ali Died Maybe or GTFO.

LOOK SUSANNA, YOU DON’T NEED TO BE IN HERE… I MEAN, YOU DO WANT TO GET OUT DON’T YOU?

Over at the Life Cafe, Emily, Hanna and Aria converge to have a big group think session. Melissa lets them know that Spencer is okay and at Radley, but now what to do about it? They think about hatching a plan to get in to see her, but then they lose interest and wander off.

ALL I DID WAS SHOW HER THE FIRST EPISODE OF THE L WORD. I DIDN’T THINK IT WOULD ROCK HER WOLD SO MUCH, OKAY?!

Oh and then A texts Hanna a screenshot of Wilden pulling her mom’s car over. There was no threat or reason to do it, so I’m guessing it was just so we didn’t go a whole episode without a message from A.

UGH AND I WAS JUST ABOUT TO GET A HIGH SCORE IN ANGRY BIRDS!

Timejump and it’s nightime at Radley. The same male orderly comes to give Spencer some meds. He claims they’re just antibiotics but you just know that Spencer just got slipped tranquilizers. Just before he leaves, Spencer notices that his badge says “E. Lamb” just like TobAy’s did. It’s unclear if this is a coincidence, Lamb just slipped Spencer drugs or if he was sent by Mona to just fucked with her.

SHOT SHOT SHOT SHOT SHOT SHOT EVERYBODY!

At the Marin’s, Hanna tells Ashley all about Spencer.

THAT’S WHAT I’VE BEEN SAYING!

As the most plugged in and the least mature adult in the Liar’s circuit, Ashley decides she wants to cancel her trip to New York. Oh didn’t I mention? Ashley has a big job interview in New York that we’ve never heard about before now. Unfortunately if she gets it she and Hanna will have to move to New York City which would be terrible. And by terrible I mean that’s literally the only good plan for getting away from A anyone has ever come up with.

IN ROSEWOOD THIS OUTFIT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE. BUT IN NEW YORK? HELL, I’LL BE FRESH TO DEATH.

Elsewhere, in a random location in the middle of Rosewood, Emily finds Dr. Sullivan outside her office. Emily asks a ton of questions and Dr. Sullivan reveals everything about Spencer’s situation making 1000 HIPAA violations.

EMILY YOUR OVERLY CLOSE FRIENDSHIPS WITH THE GIRLS YOU KNOW MAKES ME WONDER IF YOU MIGHT BE A LESBIAN…

The next day, over in Ella’s Classroom of Language and Love, Byron stops by to discuss The Ezra Situation. Ella thinks Byron should help him because she supports free love and recognizes the importance of teaching, growing, learning and loving. Byron thinks it’s a good idea because if he’s got a big boy job, maybe Ezra will shack-up with Maggie Mack and his son and leave Aria curbside.

YOU WOULD THINK WITH WORKING FULL TIME YOU WOULDN’T HAVE TO LIVE IN THIS CLASSROOM

Dr. Sullivan starts off day two of her her evaluation of Spencer by basically telling Spencer she’s crazy and didn’t see TobAy’s dead body in the woods.

ACAMP SOLD OUT AGAIN?! HOW DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?

Dr. Sullivan explains to Spencer that no one can find TobAy’s body. Spencer proceeds to cry and cry and not even consider the idea that this could be A fucking with her.

YOU ARE A LAZY, SELF-INDULGENT, LITTLE GIRL, WHO IS MAKING HERSELF CRAZY.