Spencer and Wren finally arrive at their restaurant. Oh did I say restaurant? I meant the academic decathlon location.
Wren goes off to find a table, because he seriously still hasn’t figured out what’s going on, and Spencer goes to track down the team who’s avidly preparing for the next day’s exciting events. Spencer makes a bunch of empty threats to MonA about how she’s going to upload MonA’s psychiatric case study online and reveal to everyone how crazy she is. This would make more sense if everyone in school didn’t already know MonA had gone off the deep end. Or if that wasn’t completely impossible to get and totally illegal.
Did I mention MonA is dressed as a super uptight countess in the 1950s? It’s a hard look to pull off. Spencer tries to go toe to toe with MonA but, as it turns out, MonA is just too good of a manipulator. Before you can say “Crazy chicks are so fucking hot,” Spencer is loosing her shit and trying to beat the crap out of MonA. It’s a good moment.
Aria and Wesleywolf finish up with still no sign of Cece. Wesleywolf lets it spill that he’s actually planning on sleeping in the back of his car. I have a lot of feelings about this and it makes me sad forever. Seriously! I get really messed up thinking about kids with no place to go.
Cece calls Aria from her car and apologizes for being out so long. She explains that her car got towed while she was in the restaurant. Yes you read that correctly, Cece called from her car to claim that her car had been towed. In other words Cece lied to give Aria and Wesleywolf alone time together. Pretty sneaky, Cece. Pretty goddamn sneaky.
Either way her plan works and somehow Aria ends up inviting Wesleywolf back to her place for a slumber party.
Starsweep to the local church where Caleb and Hanna wait around by candlelight. Looks like Hanna got Pastor Ted to give Jamie a job interview. Same day. On a Friday night. Caleb and Hanna take the opportunity to make out in a church. It’s kind of romantic but mostly it’s just weird.
Ashley shows up and announces that Jamie got the job and they’re all going back to the house to celebrate.
Before leaving, Hanna sticks a fiver in the collection box. The bill has some dice drawn on it. Ugh. You just know that dice bill is coming back to haunt us.
Meanwhile, the only person I care about gets stuck in an elevator with Jason. Well, at least she’s wearing that hot leather jacket of hers.
Starsweep to the middle of nowhere. Dr. Wren drives Spencer home, moderately unimpressed with her behavior but, knowing him, probably fully prepared to hit it anyways. Melissa calls to check in and Wren lies and covers for Spencer. So I guess Spencer isn’t going to Arkham insane asylum. Pity, the pajamas would go great with her crazy eyes and unbrushed hair. No. Seriously. Crazy Spencer is sexy as hell.
Hopskipjump over to Aria’s bedroom where Wesleywolf searches through Aria’s things while she grabs some extra sheets and blankets. Wesleywoilf and Aria bond over the fact that they, like every person in the country, both read before going to bed.
Then Wesleywolf recites Aria some poetry and they kiss. We all cheer. Not like Emily and Paige making out style cheer, but a light, half-hearted, bored-of-Ezra cheer.
Back over in the elevator of doom, Jason and Emily start to panic. It’s only been like 15 minutes but they decide to give up on anyone coming to rescue them ever. Jason pries the doors open to let Emily jump around to the floor below.
FYI, if you’re ever actually stuck in an elevator the safest thing to do is just wait it out. Even if it’s a Friday night you’ll probably be okay until someone comes Monday. Well, you’ll be hungry, thirsty and potentially covered in your own shit, but you’ll survive. But Jason and Emily didn’t ask me and they give it a whirl anyways. Emily peers over the ledge and observes that, yes indeed, they’re approximately a billion stories up. Wait. I’m confused. Weren’t they just in the basement? Why’d they go up so many flights?
Just as Emily gets to safety, the doors snap shut and the elevators starts to plummet. That’s right, Jason is falling to his death and I’m watching one of my biggest fears realized on TV.
Back over a the pizza and beer church celebration, the food finally shows up! Jamie pays the pizza guy and in a surprise to exactly no one, he uses the marked five dollar bill. I bet this is a classic Pretty Little Liars misdirect. Like we’ll think that Jamie is stealing but then actually Pastor Ted gave him a portion of the money cash upfront as a show of good faith. Or actually Paige has been drawing dice on every five dollar bill in Rosewood as part of her latest performance art project to help her get into Hampshire College. Or Jamie is just, like, not actually Caleb’s dad at all and just trying to scam money out of him/the church. I guess that wouldn’t be a misdirect, but I’m just spitballing here.
Emily sends out an S.O.S. to the other Liars who drop whatever they’re doing because, let’s be real, their shit is not nearly as big as Emily’s shit right now. Emily’s shit is the biggest shit. She’s bedside at the hospital where Jason has amazingly survived.
Jason finally admits to Emily that someone wants the members of the N.A.T dead. It only took, what? Two dead members who were also framed for Ali’s murder? Bro does not catch on quickly. Jason asks for more water because apparently his pain meds are giving him dry mouth. I’m pretty impressed with the writers right now, since dry mouth is actually a side effect of Fentanyl. Out in the hall, Emily meets up with the other Liars.
Even wild eyed Spencer is there. Emily fills them in and reveals that someone stole the picture of Ali on a Motherfucking Boat from Jason. They all hug and kiss and proclaim their undying friendship. Just as they’re about to go in for the group hug, a nurse comes out to ask them where their friend went. You know, the patient who was just in the bed. The one who’s gone now. That’s right. Jason escaped from the hospital, for G-d knows what reason, bare ass in the breeze.
The Liars then burst into the final musical number, “Living on a Prayer” as they link arms and– wait. Wrong show. Actually we go to our final cut scene where A1 and A2 play spin the whiskey bottle with more whiskey bottles with Liars’ faces glued on them. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. I must say if they’re targeting queer women ages 21-35 they certainly know their audience. The bottle stops on Aria but one of the two As moves it to point to Spencer. I guess they’re not done fucking with her yet.
Tune in next week when Paige finally returns from whatever rock she’s been hiding under and we answer questions from last episode like “Who was that girl at the bar?” “Was Paige actually faithful to Emily?” and “Did Lizz pass her Brain Sciences Exam?” At this point, only A knows, so see you then.