Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, the most lesbian show on television to regularly not feature any actual lesbian content whatsoever. This week we ask the question “Who’s At the Door?” so many times we start to wonder exactly what show we are watching.

We open at 6:15am at the Life Cafe where the Liars are all super miserable before school. Spoiler alert: everyone spends this whole episode sad forever.

To start this off right, Aria has tons of feelings because Ezra has left to see his son. Aria literally can’t get past herself to imagine what this might be like for Ezra. As previously mentioned, I think this is a good thing because, um, sons trump girlfriends. Particularly when you’ve never met him before. And you’re in your twenties. And your girlfriend is a high school student. And she’s being stalked by a psychopath. And she wears car parts as jewelry.

Getting up for a hot sexy coffee refill, Spencer gets a text from her private investigator Secret Agent Man who has all sorts of TobAy key details. According to a commenter on the last recap, this is the same super secret detective sleuthman who Ali hired to figure out who was stalking her in the The Days of The Flashbacks. I guess Rosewood only has one private investigator. I’d bet a cat he was also the person Spencer’s parents hired to dig up dirt on Melissa. I’d bet a second cat that Mona has this guy on speed dial under the name PI In My Pocket Who Reports to Me.

Jason is on payroll today and strolls into The Life Cafe with Big Ali News. Since Ali’s body was dug up on the Halloween Ghost Ride of Lesbosexy Feelings, they’re reburying her. Again. Looks like there’s a ceremony. Again.

Jason has arranged for the Liars to attend Ali’s Hundredth Mourning of Sadtimes Murder Death Ceremony. Unfortunately, Spencer is all set with Ali’s death. I tend to agree it’s probably not healthy to keep opening old wounds. Then again it’s probably not safe to be constantly stalked by a theoretical murderous texter who is maybe also your dead best friend.

Everyone sort of wants to be like, “Spencer, stop being the worst,” but instead they just let her storm out and move on with their lives. Besides, it’s 7:05am which means it’s time for the half hour walk and talk to school. Aria and Hanna rush over to school for their early morning 1976 disco fashion walk off.

The two worry about how they still have some of Ali’s things. You know, things that were originally buried along with Ali but instead A has is planted piece by piece to attempt to frame the Liars. Also Aria is going to go lie around at Ezra’s apartment after school. Yeah that sounds like an A++ crazytown idea.

Starsweep to the locker set where MonA confronts Spencer. MonA is concerned Spencer’s off her A game. Get it?

MonA is having the most fun ever fucking with Spencer. Particularly because MonA knows exactly what’s what with the big TobAy reveal. Is it weird if I like our new A in action MonA the best?

Spencer, on the other hand, is letting Mona completely get to her. Now, this would be a great time to go talk to the school counselor or the principal and claim that Mona threatened her. I mean, who are they going to believe? Might as well play dirty too. But instead Spencer just stews in it.

Hanna finds Caleb alone in a classroom with all of his feelings. Caleb has some complicated backstory about his aunt who put him in foster care. Honestly I can’t remember if this is new or if I was supposed to know it already. Either way, Caleb’s been invited to come search through all the old things at the house and decide if he wants anything.

After school, Aria hangs around Ezra’s in the creepiest was possible. Like in his bed listening to music. I’m not going to say this is totally creepy, because technically they’re still together and he made her a key. I’d say it’s worse than sneaking over to your girlfriend’s house to do your laundry, but not as bad as showing up drunk to your ex’s in the middle of the night dressed like a pirate. Yeah, somewhere in the middle.

She’s about four minutes from rolling around in a heap of Ezra’s clothing when there’s a knock at the door. Who’s at the door? It’s Ezra’s werewolf brother Wesleywolf!

His American accent is 25% better but his excuse for being at Ezra’s is 100% worse. Something about fumigating the dorms at St. John’s Academy for Vampires and Werewolves. Aria becomes uncomfortable and tries to leave, what with the small shrine of Ezra’s chewed gum she’s started, but Welsleywolve suggests Aria stick around instead. They can be BFFLs.

Spencer meets up with Secret Agent Man in one of Rosewood’s many sketchy back alleys. They talk and he reveals dramatically that he’s been tracking TobAy’s credit card. Looks like TobAy bought hydrangeas before skipping town. Or something. I promise I really trying my hardest to care. The Secret Agent Man wants a million dollars to track the key to a specific door. Spencer’s unsure. A million dollars is a lot, but she, like everyone in Rosewood, and the world, wants to know who the fuck is at the door.

Emily stops by the police office slash Pam’s new work place to snag a picture of the picture of the picture of the picture of Officer Wildenmansir at everyone in Rosewood’s favorite vacay spot, Cape May. The photo is gone, but Emily ends up with early dinner plans with her mom which, in my homesick opinion, is even better.

Before the two can leave, Emily finds a French postcard from A in her mom’s purse. But what does it say?! What indeed?! If only I wasn’t one of those Americans who speaks only 1.002 languages. FYI, the .002 of a language is Chinese so that’s not much help here.

The next day, after an all important costume change into the most lesbian outfit of the episode, Emily decides to bring in some French reinforcements.

Emily probably could have just used Google Translate, but I’m guessing she wanted to air out her shoulders side by side with Spencer. She swings by Spencer’s bedroom of misery and despair to find Spencer eating all of the ice cream in the house and watching The Notebook.

Emily reveals that the postcard is one of 25 postcards she put as mementos in Ali’s casket. I mean, not the French, just the postcard. Wait, as a token of her everlasting love and friendship, Emily put 25 blank postcards in her friend’s casket? I have no clue.

Emily attempts to read the postcard but fails miserably in basically the cutest way ever. Spencer tells Emily to stop freaking out until she reads it. She then proceeds to put on the sexiest French accent ever and we all melt and leave the room to change our underwear.

The postcard essentially calls Emily a murder. We’re supposed to immediately understand that this is in reference to Emily’s kerfuffle with Lyndonate. I sort of air-balled that one and spent the next five minutes trying to figure out who the hell Emily was supposed to have killed. My bad. Emily knows exactly what this is all about, understandably, shocked and scared. Spencer, who’s currently claiming a monopoly on being sad, tells Emily she shouldn’t feel bad, and that she only killed Lyndonate in self defense. Spencer pushes all of Emily’s feelings on the back burner and proceeds to eat an entire carton of Cherry Garcia. Instead of telling Spencer to stop being an insensitive prick and get the fuck over TobAY, Emily just tells her that maybe something else happend. Maybe Spencer has the whole TobAy situation wrong because men are amazing flawless creatures brought to earth to make women happy.

Emily explains to Spencer that last week Hanna thought Paige was hooking up with another girl. Even though it looked really suspicious and Emily briefly thought Paige was cheating on her, the two talked about it and realized it was all a big misunderstanding. Paige was just flirting with the costume shop’s clerk. Much like how there’s only one private investigator, one police detective and one psychiatrist, there’s also only one costume shop owner. And she’s got a big lesbian crush on Paige. At least the lack of costume shop choices explains why everyone keeps wearing that creepy baby ghoul costume.

Also I’m so annoyed this whole situation was resolved off-screen without us getting to hear any lesbosexy feelings talk.

Aria and Hanna hang around in Hanna’s bedroom talking about boys and stuff. I kind of tuned this part out because I had just refreshed my mango salsa, but basically Aria thinks Wesleywolf is a hot snob who loves money. Aria is worried Wesleywolf is too comfortable with/attached to his trust fund. I would be attached to my trust fund too if I had one. Also Hanna convinced Caleb to go to his aunt’s house and dig through old toys and feelings.

Elsewhere, Emily has magically transported through time and space to the only psychiatrist’s office in town. I guess Dr. Shrink is taking same day appointments. Despite the fact that Emily has no reason to believe that anything she says will be confidential, she figures it’s time for some help.

You know, because at the midseason finale she killed someone. Yeah yeah yeah, it was totally in self-defense. Completely justified and that’s important to keep in mind. But jeez, if the writers were going to pretend that Emily could have a totally traumatic incident and not have any residual symptoms they must have thought their audience was girls ages 12-17. Oh. Right. Dr. Shrink responds with a couple of truly inspired facial expressions such as this:

and this:

and this:

Riveting shit.

Dr. Shrink suggests hypnotherapy. Not to bring back old memories (which, duh, is going to happen) but to reframe the ones she already has. Or something. I’m not really sure this is a thing. I think doing some Cognitive Behavioral Therapy twice a week is a better idea. Maybe some Lexapro later on if she still feels anxious. But what do I know?

Back at the bedroom of misery and despair, Spencer is more convinced than ever that her screen time is best spent crying along to soft music. This time I couldn’t Shazam the song fast enough, but imagine it was like Sarah McLachlan meets Adele. She resolves to pay the Secret Agent Man the one million dollars and have him dig up more info on where TobAy’s key leads.

Starsweep to the next day where our second favorite lesbian couple throw on their fanciest farmer chic to go through Caleb’s old things.

Caleb’s uncle lets them in and he and Hanna bond over old children’s books. Hanna, clearly projecting her own abandonment issues onto the situation, asks Caleb’s uncle a series of inappropriate and invasive questions. Caleb’s uncle is pretty aloof about the whole situation, but he seems to genuinely care about Caleb. It’s pretty awkward. I mean, Hanna, who do you think you are? A first year medical student?

Starsweep to bustling downtown Rosewood where Jason runs into Spencer. She’s taking one million dollars out of the bank account cash money. Jason really wants Spencer to come by Ali’s Hundredth Mourning of Sadtimes Murder Death Ceremony. Spencer still isn’t convinced. I feel like this is a good time for us to remember that Spencer and Jason are half siblings. You’d think Spencer would care more. Oh wait, I just remember that Spencer lives in Taylor Swift Land where the only thing that matters is crying about boys.

Starsweep to Ezra’s where Wesleywolf is blogging on an old typewriter.

For you youngsters out there, when you write a blog on paper it’s generally called a journal. Aria comes in just as the phone is ringing. Wesleywolf doesn’t want to pick it up, but Aria’s like, “Dude it could be Ezra” and SHE CAN NOT MISS A CALL FROM EZRA YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW. The line goes dead as soon as Wesleywolf picks up. He panics and suggests they go for a walk absolutely anywhere else.

Back at therapy central, Emily gets put into a super hyponotherapy hypotrance. Instead of recalling the events of the lighthouse, Emily recalls the events of Ali’s murder. Like um, the events of Ali’s murder by Emily. Let me clarify. Emily remembers herself killing Ali with a shovel.

I believe that Emily killed Ali exactly not at all. At this point, I think more reliable information about Ali’s murder could be gleaned from Aria/Hanna slashfic.

Dr. Shrink is just wracked with emotion too.

With the barn magically cleared out, Caleb and Hanna get ready to hit the road. Caleb’s uncle wants them to stay for a bit and have a couple of Mike’s Hard Lemonaids, but Caleb just wants to get the fuck outta Dodge. Before they do, Caleb’s uncle gives Hanna a picture of Caleb at six months. He claims he found it on the floor but that doesn’t make much sense becau– Oh. The uncle is totally Caleb’s dad, right? That’s totally what’s going on here.

Back at the Field’s ranch, Emily starts to have an anxiety meltdown. Emily looks over her Eiffel Tower postcard and falls into another pastel flashback.

There’s a lot of those going around these days. Looks like the post cards were part of Emily and Ali’s secret close relationship love affair. Like Ali was planning a fantasy trip for the two of them to gay Paree.

I can never decide if Ali had secret complex feelings for Emily or if she was just literally the most manipulative bitch of all time. I also sort of like the idea that maybe none of this really went down the way Emily remembers. I think a theme of Pretty Little Liars is that all of our memories are partial, subjective and that “the truth” may or may not really exist. Emily might remember Ali flirting in a way that Ali doesn’t. What “really” happened might be somewhere in between.

Pam comes home to find Emily in the middle of her full blown emotional breakdown. There’s a lot of I’m Terrible going on but Pam is having none of that shit. She’s a power mom who is in charge of telling Emily how awesome and perfect and wonderful she is. I’ve really loved Pam ever since her season two complete personality change. I think Pam totally agrees with me about the cognitive behavioral therapy.

Spencer meets up with the Secret Agent Man, yet again, and this time he has the key and address. Gee whiz is it just me or is there a whole lot of talk about what’s going to be behind the locked door. I can’t shake the feeling we’ve heard this somewhere before.

On the other side of who knows where, Aria and Wesleywolf stroll down the block like two future lovebirds who I’m already shipping because, whatever sometimes I ship straight werewolf couples. All of a sudden a man comes up behind them. Like every adult in Rosewood, he’s out of his skull crazy and leaps at Wesleywolf fists of fury style. So Wesleywolf clocks him. Standard Pretty Little Liars stuff.

Back at Ezra’s Annex, Wesleywolf explains to Aria what the fuck is going on. Apparently Wesleywolf is doing his best to get kicked out of prep school. Turns out having a lot of money and a good education is really hard. So. So. Hard.

Either way, getting kicked out of prep school is pretty hard if your mom keeps paying off the school to let you back in. So Wesleywolf tried something truly inappropriate — hitting on a hot physics teacher. Going to second base with a high school teacher may have worked for Aria, but it got Wesleywolf slapped with a suspension and an irate husband.

Starsweep to the Marin household where Calebanna process all their feelings. They think about getting a cat or four, but instead decide to attend A Camp together at the next available session. Hanna gives Caleb the photo. Hanna then does this cool thing where she actually has some insight and notices that the edges are worn. More importantly, she noticed that Caleb’s father in the picture is wearing the same ring as Caleb’s “uncle.” I totally called it. Caleb is not convinced.

Elsewhere, someone is at Dr. Shrink’s door. I’m not fucking joking, this is the whole episode. It is just too meta. Who’s at the door?

It’s MonA who’s just swung by by Dr. Shrink’s office to drop off an orchid. She’s all uptight pre-A MonAed out, because nothing says reformed criminal like a headband. Even Dr. Shrink can tell that the orchid has some sort of video camera on it. She tries to kind of leave, but MonA has some very coy words for her about how much she “helped her.” FYI I think I’m in love with evil MonA. I also hope she fingerbangs someone this season because straight chicks are just not this invested in the goings on in lesbian lives.

Elsewhere, the loudest music ever plays as Spencer walks down what is clearly the same set as Ezra’s hallway. She uses her A key to unlock the super special door and finally figure out Who’s At This Fucking Door?!

Just kidding. It’s nothing!

Wait. Fuck. Nothing? Just an empty apartment. Boring.

I’m not sure what Spencer was hoping to find. I suppose getting access to A’s lair would have been a big deal. Maybe she thought if TobAy didn’t clear out the lair it meant he really loved her. That he was just helping MonA because of blackmail.

So what does the empty room mean then? Does the empty room mean the key was fake all along– just TobAy and MonA fucking with Spencer? Or does it merely mean they cleared out the room as soon as they realized what Spencer had? Either way, abcFamily keeps telling me to tweet #poorspencer. I feel like that would have been more appropriate the whole time Spencer had to date TobAy. Like even before we know he was A, when he was just gross.

Later that night, the Liars gather with Jason at Ali’s Hundredth Mourning of Sadtimes Murder Death Ceremony in a super dramatic mausoleum to sort out their feelings. You read that correctly, it’s in a mausoleum. I can see the cracked granite of it getting broken into fourth season already.

No one knows much what to say, but fortunately Spencer shows up and blows-up crazy eyes style. The other Liars are horrified but Spencer word vomits all of Ali’s dirty secrets to Jason. They don’t have much, just that Ali was pregnant with Wilden’s baby when she died. Okay now that I’ve written it out it seems like a bigger deal.

Either way we should remember that Jason is totally in cahoots with MonA. He’s also a major suspect in the Throwing Garrett Off A Train situation.

The Liars panic and just sort of run out of the mausoleum in all directions. Generally speaking running away is actually a moderally good plan 15% of the time. This might actually be one of those times. Outside, Emily, Hanna and Aria try to figure out why Spencer’s gone off the deep end. Emily hears the sprinklers and suddenly her mind goes clear. She realizes she had her whole hypnotic trance memory wrong. Surprise! Emily was actually remembering the night Ali’s grave was dug up.

She remembers standing by the grave screaming that it was a bad idea while someone, almost definitely TobAy digs up the body. Nearby, the blonde in the red coat watches.

I’m psyched because Hanna is the only Liar with the gall to propose the idea that Ali is alive and the blonde in the red coat. But why would Ali fuck with her friends A style? That just seems mean. Plus we know that A was stalking Ali before the other Liars. I know lots of people love the good old fashioned twin theory where Nice Twin Ali is dead and Crazy Twin Ali is A, but then why would Ali keep showing up when the girls are drugged up? My new theory is a triplet Ali. There’s Evil Red Coat A Ali, Manipulative Friend Ali and some other chick who looks just like them who’s dead. Alternatively there could be resurrection magic involved. Just saying.

By some crazy coincidence, Ali’s body is buried in the same mausoleum as TobAY’s mother. Spencer takes this opportunity to vandalize TobAy’s mother’s tombstone by carving TobAy’s name above Cavaunagh.

I get that this is supposed to be deep, like TobAy’s dead to Spencer, but what did that poor woman ever do to Spencer? Sure she gave birth to a sociopath, but you can’t really blame her for that. Poor form Spencer. Poor form.

In the final creepy cut scene we starsweep to a liquore store. Looks like A is stashing up on whiskey. Well, I hear that.

Tune in next week where Emily and Paige will continue to have their relationships off screen. I assume this will include learning through a series of tossed out one liners that they’ve moved in together and finally decided what song to sing at karaoke night. Spoiler alert: it’s Summer Nights from Grease.

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