Pretty Little Liars Recap 317: Out of the Frying Pan and Into the Lesbian Bar

At the Hasting’s residence, Aria finds Spencer who has spent the last eight hours crying over a bowl of macaroni that she was eating over the sink. Aria is, thankfully, not mad.

MISUNDERSTOOD WHAT “LEATHER PARTY” MEANT UNTIL SHE ARRIVED

She just wants Spencer to know that she knows that Spencer was set up. Instead of reacting as she usually does, with all the “Oh that bitch we’ll get her,” Spencer embraces her new greasy hair and permanent sad face campaign. Basically she tells Aria that they had it coming. I think the term here is Victim Blaming. It’s a problem.

ONLY BECAUSE YOU NEVER BRING A FLASHLIGHT!

After Aria leaves, Spencer texts someone and asks if they’ll meet with her. Obviously we assume it’s TobAy. Plus she sent the text from the stairs so you know she must be sad. That’s how stairs work.

ALLL BYYY MYYYYSELLLFFFF

Elsewhere Emily takes matters into her own hands and meets up with Cece about the picture. By now the sun is down and it’s totally romantic. Also Cece has on a dress my friend totally has! FYI It’s from Anthropologie.

NOW KISS

Hoping to find out who the Beach Hottie is Emily asks some probing questions. Hey look it’s another pastel flashback! Now we’re at the summer before Ali’s death. Ali confides in Cece that her period is late and she thinks she’s pregnant. I find this to be particularly hilarious because what 15 year old ever had a regular enough period to know when she was late? Either way, Ali is pretty sure she was pregnant. Maybe that’s why she needed the money from Byron so badly!

I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND WHY THE LAST EPISODE OF THE L WORD HAD TO BE SO AWFUL

SHE THOUGHT THAT SHE WAS… A DOCTOR?

Also sneaking around in the dark, Hanna is stalking Paige. To the best place ever. Literally! Hanna followed Paige to an actual lesbian girl party!

IS THIS HEAVEN?

That’s right! A girl party on Pretty Little Liars on abcFamily. Filled with actual lesbian lesbians! Doing actual lesbian things! Lesbian lesbians drinking! Lesbian lesbians kissing! Lesbian lesbians doing karaoke! Lesbian lesbians wearing feathered earrings! Lesbian lesbians listening to lesbian lesbian DJs with alternative lifestyle haircuts. Lesbian lesbians making premature plans to buy a cat together, I assume.

LESBIAN BOMO

Lesbian lesbians talking, laughing, loving, breathing, fighting, fucking, crying, drinking, riding, winning, losing, cheating, kissing, thinking, dreaming.

LESBIAN LESBIANS JUDGING THE GIRL WHO JUST WALKED IN

Jokes aside, I think this is a big deal. Really! I can’t think of an instance on any non-premium cable channel where we see the inside of a lesbian bar. I think we just won a thing. [Author’s note: the Autostraddle team has informed me that this is certainly not the first lesbian bar on teevee but I’m leaving the previous sentence in to display how excited I was.]

LOOK AT THIS STUFF, ISN’T IT NEAT? WOULDN’T YOU THINK MY COLLECTIONS COMPLETE?

Emily swings by Aria’s to sort out what’s what with the potential pregnancy. Aria is still on the couch.

THEMES OF THIS SHOW

The two agree that they should hand the notebook into the police. At this point I’m 100% certain that notebook was sent to Emily by A. I mean, this is classic A evidence planting.

IT’S WEIRD, I JUST GET THE SENSE THERE’S A TON OF LESBIANS SOMEWHERE HAVING FUN WITHOUT ME

In all the hotness, a hot chick even buys Hanna a Rasberry Cuntini. This is, of course, the most lesbian moment of the whole scene. Just kidding, in my experience lesbians never buy anyone drinks, they just stare at hot girls longingly from across the room. More importantly, how did Hanna and Paige even get into this bar?

YEAH IT’S NO BIG DEAL, I KEEP A VOODOO DOLL OF MY EX INSIDE THIS HUGE LOCKET. SHE’S OVER THERE MAKING OUT WITH MY OTHER EX.

Hanna spots Paige chatting up some girl so she approaches the drink-buyer and the two start dancing. Not ’cause she’s gay, obviously, just for cover. Of course dancing with a girl at a lesbian girl bar for lesbians only leads to one thing. Drama drama drama.

HOW DARE YOU SAY INTERN GRACE IS ONLY YOUR SECOND FAVORITE CALENDAR GIRL!

Drama, of course, leads to Hanna getting carded and kicked out of a bar. And arrested.

THIS LOOKED LIKE SO MUCH MORE FUN ON THE REAL L WORD

Hold the phones. Why is Paige talking to someone? Someone who isn’t Emily?!?

ON THE VAGINA

Oh my god everyone I can’t believe they’re having Paige cheat on Emily. How come the queer character always gets shafted and Emily can’t keep a relationship together for two fucking seconds without some sort of – Just kidding. This is Pretty Little Liars where nothing is as it seems. If Paige looks like she’s cheating on Emily then she’s probably buying an engagement ring and planning a romantic honeymoon for two to a sexshop in West Hollywood.

SO I DECIDED, SCREW IT, I’LL JUST HIRE SOMEONE TO MAKE ALL OF ME AND EMILY’S SEX TOYS CUSTOM. YOU INTERESTED?

Spencer preps her makeup in the car. Because you can hide a week of crying with mascara. Particularly if you make sure every time you cry that mascara gets totally messed up and runny. These are womanly secrets we should all know.

IN WHICH WE UNIVERSALLY AGREE TO PRETEND THIS IS CAR SEX

What then took place can only really be described as a full three minute scene of Spencer crying alone in the car to the song The Strange Familiar by Alibi. I looked it up.
It’s basically just like this:

Inside, it turns out Spencer isn’t meeting TobAy. She’s meeting some guy we’ve never seen before. What she wants from him is unclear. I’m guessing he’s maybe a P.I. who plays by his own set of rules.

IS THIS THE DINER FROM SILVER LININGS PLAYBOOK?

It also turns out that Spencer couldn’t look sexier in that smokin’ hot red dress if someone was paying her as part of a commission to look smokin’ hot.

BAD BITCHES WEAR RED

At the police station, Emily and Hanna do their best to put the pieces of their night together. Hanna is obviously awkward because she thinks she saw Paige up all on some other girls silicone pogo stick. I would define her success as medium.

MORE OF A GIRL SPOT FOR YOUR GIRL SPOT

Just as Wilden walks away with the notebook the girls see a haunting picture. It’s detective Wilden. Also at Cape May. Apparently everyone and their dog took a picture in front of the same buoy that summer.

AND IT WAS THIIISSSSS BIG (RE: DICK)

When Hanna gets home Ashley, understandably, wants to know what the fuck is going on. Hanna explains that she was trying to track down Caleb but then she thought she saw Paige hooking up with another girl so she had to fake lezzie for cover and ended up getting a drink thrown on her. Makes perfect sense to me. Unfortunately Ashley doesn’t do very much listening as she’s too busy having all the best lines of the night. All of them.

LIKE THE FEELING OF SCISSORING?

BECAUSE HE IS OUR THIRD FAVORITE LESBIAN ON THIS HOW

IT IS NOW.

She’s totally prepped to get all up in that lezzie love triangle. But Ashley? Ashley has the best advice ever.

MEANING YOUR PUBLIC HAIR. TO PREVENT CHAFFING

I don’t think there’s anything better I can really say about this scene. It’s like they wrote it for Tumblr. Intern Grace and I have agreed that the Marins are officially the best characters on the show.

IS SKEPTICAL ABOUT TRYING PINK DRINK

Aria goes over to Ezra’s to talk things over. Too bad she finds him packing luggage into his car. He tells her he isn’t angry anymore because he knows that Maggie asked her to keep quiet. He is, however, about to leave for an unknown amount of time. Like to see his son and stuff, which is a good thing if I do say so myself. Aria is heartbroken that Ezra is leaving. She was pretty sure they were going to adopt a cat together in the spring.

I JUST DON’T KNOW IF I HAVE ENOUGH ROOM IN MY HEART FOR A CAT. NOT ANYMORE.

I want this to be the moment Ezra realizes what he’s been doing. The moment where Ezra looks at his life and realizes that dating Aria is probably, at least in part, trying to have a re-do of his high school relationship. One that doesn’t end with knocking up his girlfriend and his mother paying her off to get an abortion. Except now he has a chance to end that part differently. Sure he missed the hard part, but now he has a chance to meet his son and learn how things turned out okay for everyone. Sure sucks for Aria though.

NOT EVEN ONE OF THOSE WEIRD LOOKING HAIRLESS CATS THAT LOOK LIKE YODA?

Our final creepy cut scene just doesn’t phase me this week. Just A blow torching a little blonde doll’s face. Is it Hanna? Is it Cece? It’s a pretty hideous doll whoever it’s supposed to be. Standard crazy A shit.

BLOW JOB

Tune in next week where it will finally be revealed that not only is everyone A but everyone’s gAy. In the meantime, we can spend the next week writing fanfic about this:

OT3