Back over at Aria’s, Meredith is still snooping around. Oh wait, or is it Ali?
WHO’S AT THE DOOR?
Ali goes right into her doll and pulls out the notebook pages. Ali and Aria have a long conversation about A and Byron. Lots of vague things get said and no questions get answered. She does tell Aria that she “really needed the money” she was blackmailing her dad for. I assume to pay for those outrageously long hair extensions.
BECAUSE ONCE YOU START UP WITH EYELASH EXTENSIONS IT’S REALLY HARD TO STOP
Also Ali and Aria don’t kiss so it’s 100% less interesting than when ghost Ali came to Emily. She does allude to TobAy being A, or at least that Spencer should have figured out where in the world is Carmen San Diego. Honestly, I really almost don’t even care about Ali anymore. I just can’t get worked up about something that probably won’t be answered for a billion seasons. She’s starting to seem to meaningless in the midst of this hullabaloo.
DEBATEABLE
Ali tells Aria not to drink the tea and disappears out into the night. Aria wakes up in her bed and, as usual, we don’t know if if Ali was really there or just a hallucination brought on by drugs, anxiety and the actual very real trauma of losing one of your high school best friends.
NO, BUT SERIOUSLY, WHO THE FUCK IS AT THE DOOR
Before you can say “Meredith is drugging Aria” we cut to Meredith at drug store trying to pick up as much tetramethylhydrocortooxymetholbuteradone as her arms can carry.
REALLY? ENTIRELY OUT OF EXTRA STRENGTH EX-LAX? BECAUSE REGULAR STRENGTH JUST WON’T DO
Oh, did I mention Aria is locked in her room? Whose bedroom locks from the outside? That’s not a thing.
MAKING HER NEXT ACCESSORY
Back at Spencer’s, TobAy stops by with some flowers.
I BROUGHT YOU THIS LOVE FERN
What a great boyfriend. Oh wait, I just remembered he’s the fucking worst.
IN WHICH I ASK INTERN HANNAH TO MAKE TOBAY INTO THE BAD GUY FROM FERN GULLY
He also finds the key that A dropped. He dropped? Unclear at this point. Either way, Spencer lies and says it belongs to Melissa’s storage unit and that the “A” is just a coincidence. TobAy smiles and nods even though you know that stupid jerk knows it’s actually A’s key. He is a stupid jerkfaced jerk.
ARE LOVE FERN! YOU LET IT DIE? ARE YOU GOING TO LET OUR LOVE DIE TOO?!
Meredith gets back Aria’s and goes all Scream 3 on the situation.
WAKEY WAKEY EGGS AND BAKEY
What never ceases to amaze me about this show is that while we’re totally used to A/MonA/TobAy being vengeful and plotting, there are a whole host of other teenagers/adults who seem to have no grip on appropriate behavior. Like Maya’s ex-boyfriend who killed her. Or Spencer’s dad. Or, I guess, Meredith. Is there something in the Rosewood water?
HELLO? POLICE? THERE’S A KILLER IN THE HOUSE AND SHE HAS NO MOTIVE. I REPEAT, SHE HAS NO MOTIVE
Meredith chases Aria through the house. Turns out Meredith is fucking batshit crazy. She ends up knocking Aria out. Like with her fist. And a fucking shard of glass.
THIS IS FOR SAYING I HAVE NO MOTIVE!!
A storm hits and all the lighting gets a bit spookier. Realizing something is amiss, Hanna and Emily head over to Aria’s to figure out what’s what. All of the lights are off, of course.
IT’S COOL, IT’S JUST ANOTHER TOTALLY UNEXPLAINED POWER OUTAGE AND WE DON’T HAVE FLASHLIGHTS YET AGAIN
They head into Aria’s bedroom/death trap and Meredith walks up behind them cray cray style. Meredith leads the girls into the basement under the guise that Aria is down there with her thumbs up her butt. Of course Meredith locks the door behind them. How many locking doors could this house possibly have?
WELL AT LEAST THEY BROUGHT A FLASHLIGHT THIS TIME
Well, Meredith told the truth about one thing, Aria really is in the basement. Unfortunately she’s out cold and the girls can’t seem to wake her up. Why? Because Meredith hit her. With a fucking shard of glass.
THE DIRECTOR SAID: ACT KNOCKED OUT. OKAY THIS TIME TRY IT AGAIN BUT TRY TO LOOK CUTER WHILE BEING KNOCKED OUT
Somehow during the commercial break Aria comes to. Emily makes a plan to beat the living shit out of Meredith.
…TO THE LOCAL DYKE BAR WHERE WE’LL HOLD HER WHILE PAIGE BEATS HER UP
Byron shows up. It’s hard to tell if Byron and Meredith went a little Bonnie and Clyde on Ali or if Meredith has just gone off the deep end to lala land. Byron comes down to the basement but promises he won’t hurt them. He suddenly looks slightly less scary. More like a man who’s suddenly realized his own daughter is scared of him.
WE JUST HAD A REALLY BAD BREAK UP, YOU KNOW?
Byron flashes back to that night where he explains that he was fully prepared to come clean about the blackmail. Like to Ella, not to the police or anything. I mean let’s not get crazy or anything. Unfortunately after Ali went missing he no longer saw a reason to tell anyone about his affair. Plus it made him look awful suspicious that he saw Ali that night.
SORRY ALI, IT’S MY FLASHBACK SEQUENCE AND I GET TO BE THE GOOD GUY IF I WANT TO BE
Starsweep across town where A hooded figure sneaks into Spencer’s house. I mean, obviously’s it’s TobAy. Remember, the key is there and he thinks Spencer and her fam are at some made up dinner. He goes to the drawer but the key isn’t there. He rifles through the drawer but Spencer comes up behind him. Then she totally slaps him across the face. Deserves it.
I BELIEVE YOU DROPPED YOUR BALLS OVER HERE
Just so you know, this is what my show notes say from the begining:
I’m writing this during my first pass through the episode and I want the record to show that I think that what TobAy said he wasn’t ready for was a totally staged situation in which he is revealed to Spencer that he’s a bug asshat/A thus scaring the shit out of her.
I can’t prove anything, but I just want you guys to know.
TobAy asks Spencer how long she’s known. She holds up an Arkham Asylumtag and tells him to go fuck himself and die. Okay she doesn’t say that last part but she totally should have. TobAy runs out of the room just as Spencer’s mom gets home. Spencer runs to her mom sobbing the way a girl does when she’s just found out her boyfriend of a year was actually psychopath stalking and threatening her. It’s a pretty specific type of sobbing.
IN WHICH SPENCER’S MOM ASSUMES SPENCER JUST DIDN’T WANT TO PUT OUT OR SOMETHING
Starsweep by to the Montgomery’s where Byron and Aria have a heart to heart. He tells her he called the police but Meredith left town and asks how all this got started. Aria explains that she found the journal pages. I’m a little confused because I thought that Byron already knew that, but I guess maybe Meredith was the one who stole them in the first place and she thought in some bizarre crazed move that she was protecting him? Like “I’m the only one who really loves you” style. Girl is cray.
ARIA I’M NOT SURE I’M THE RIGHT PERSON TO BE PROOFREADING YOUR BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER SLASHFIC
Byron tells Aria that if it makes her feel better he’ll go talk to the police and tell them everything that happened. This probably would have been a good idea in the first place because he could have just had Meredith cover for him alibi-wise and then the police would know Ali was potentially in a lot of debt or something. Aria, now fully trusting the man she thought was going to kill her just 20 minutes ago, decides she believes her father and burns the journal pages.
MY ACTIONS HAVE NO CONSEQUENCES!!
Spencer goes to some apartment crying where she begs the person inside to tell her that there’s more to the story.
NOT A GREAT MOMENT FOR FEMINISM
Inside, Mona enjoys Spencer’s slaved over meal and a nice fullbodied glass of red wine. There’s no way that’s okay to drink with her psych meds.
PRETENDING IT’S TRUBLOOD
Tune in next week where Spencer will attempt to put the pieces of her life back together and, with any luck, Emily and Paige will enjoy even more kale together! Sorry guys, I suspect that’s the best we’re gonna get.
Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page
i haven’t been able to watch the show since season 1, but oh my god this is the funniest thing.
I just have to say, I’m calling shenanigans on them bringing Aria Saved by the Bell. They’re supposed to be what, 18? The original was off the air before they were even born. No way they are in to that show enough to own the box set.
Sorry, that’s been bothering me since I watched it.
Also, Aria’s mirror shiv made me gain a whole new level of respect for her.
Also Bianca Lawson (Maya) was definitely in Saved by the Bell, right?
Yes, 800 (or 10) year ago. Apparently Drusilla turned Kendra into a vampire and she stopped aging
And then, like the Cullens, she decided to just go to high school again.
She was in Saved by the Bell: the New Class which was just not the same except a couple of crushworthy ladies including Sarah Lancaster aka Chuck’s sister(on Chuck) and another lady who went on to play an ex of Shawn on Boy Meet’s World in a memorable episode where he was handcuffed by three of his hot exes, including Alex Mack. Gosh the 90s were wonderful/confusing.
Saved By the Bell is HUGELY popular with kids right now. It is on in syndication and often plays before school. It isn’t weird, at all.
Huh, interesting. Good on them, it’s a quality show. I just hope no baby gays follow in my footsteps and try to be AC Slater, mullet and all.
yeah, as someone else said it was in syndication for a lot of years and that’s how I got into it when I was younger (I’m 18 now). Before ABC Family started with their own original shows it was strictly old episodes of Saved By The Bell, Full House, Family Matters and Step By Step so people my age would watch them when we were sick and what not…
I have never swooned because of kale until now, but when Paige busted out that gay ass kale it was over. Mini picnic table for condiments? NOPE. It’s the kale that does it for me. Cut to Paige suddenly getting texted by every bro in school whose girlfriend just turned to them and said “Why don’t you treat me right like that?”
NEXT TIME IT’S MY SOLO BITCH -A
In which rAchel can’t handle it that Mr Schue gives the solo to Quinn FabrAy and this was the text Quinn got right before she got hit by that truck.
I’m pretty sure I just watch the show for Paige’s face now, but Spencer’s face made my face cry.
Remember when Spencer found the hole in Toby’s jeans and was like “You know I could fix this for you! I sewed my entire Mary Queen of Scots dress without a pattern because whatever I’m perfect, deal with it”? I think that was supposed to be the explanation for why the key was dropped after A attacked Hannah. Presumably that was TobAy shoving mannequins at her and the key slipped through the hole in his pocket on his way out.
why do I know all of this whyyyy
It’s going to be hilarious when they all go to different college and this all just goes away.
You know they’ll all go to the same college and even with different majors they’ll end up in the same classes.
I wish my high school life was more like there’s. I know there’s the whole almost constantly being axe murdered, but they get fantastic wardrobes out of it.
*like theirs
Dear God, I feel ashamed.
Okay, what. Why the fuck wouldn’t Aria have used her computer and tweeted or messaged her friends to be like “I’m locked in my room, probably drugged by Meredith, call the police”. And ugh, Ella, way to be a doting parent by NOT checking in on your daughter and letting your ex-husband’s mistress do all the mother work. Seriously.
OH. AND ALSO. SPENCER HOW DID YOU ACQUIRE A BOTTLE OF WINE FOR YOUR DATE. YOU’RE A FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT. WHAT IS IT WITH AMERICAN TV SHOWS ALLOWING HIGH SCHOOL KIDS TO DRINK WINE IN A NON-HOUSE PARTY SETTING.
YES TO ALL THIS.
I’m just happy someone finally thought to bring a flashlight into the ominous location of the episode.
I’m glad I wasn’t the only one wondering about the wine too, lol.
I thought about spending some of my Sunday watching this ep. But I read this instead :) Thank you for writing about these stupid, stupid gals.