The zombie figure was Garret! He wants to talk to Spencer about All The Feelings before he leaves town.
Garret paints Spencer a pastel flashback scene in which, on the night of Alison’s murder, he and Jenna ran into Alison outside her house.
Alison and Jenna have a tussle in which nothing gets hurt but Jenna’s pride. Jenna tells Garret to do something, at which point he picks up a field hockey stick and beats the crap out of Alison until she dies.
Well, that’s what Jenna thinks. In actuality, Alison ducks and Garret hits the tree a bunch. Remember now, Jenna can’t see any of this, so in Alison’s creepiest moment yet, she puts her finger over her mouth to shush Garret.
So Jenna thought Garret killed Alison. Why did Alison and Garret pull this shit? No clue. Knowing Alison it could have been just to fuck with Jenna. What I do know is that this means throughout the entire series Jenna — and likely therefore Noel and potentially even Toby and Mona — thought that Garret had actually killed Alison.
But wait. There’s more.
Garret also reveals that when he returned to Alison’s house later, he saw Alison talking to Byron Montgomery.
Now, this lends some suspicion to Byron, but it seems to me he was probably just trying not to get busted for nailing his graduate student. Besides, Alison isn’t even wearing the sweater she supposedly died in. Garret says he would have revealed this had Spencer’s mother not gotten him cleared. Funny, you’d think being arrested for murder would be the moment in which you started to throw everyone else under the bus. Immediately.
Knowing that Aria would never believe her, Spencer goes off to find her prohibition era friend.
Spencer: Don’t go anywhere.
Garret: Where do I have to go?
Oh he is so dead.
Of course, as Spencer and Hanna go off to find Aria, we see her purse alone on a seat next to the window where she’s written her name. Of course, half the name is crossed off so it just says “A.”
As much as I appreciate A’s commitment to new and interesting ways of writing her own name, at this point I think the girls should be offended that A doesn’t think they know that she’s behind it when shit goes wrong. Like, they get it. We all get it.
Here’s something I didn’t see coming: Aria wakes up in a fucking crate.
Basically nothing scares me more than small spaces. I want to say something snarky about a better way to get out of a crate, but I got nothing. I would be screaming like a small child, crying my eyes out and flailing. Mostly screaming through.
Trying to find Caleb to get him to safety, Hanna searches through the Even More Tiny Hats Car. When she finds him, he just wants some hanky-panky.
Psych. Caleb is on the other side of the room and Hanna is grinding with someone else. Hanna rips of the faux-Caleb’s mask to reveal… another mask.
A fucking scary ass Alison mask. At which point Hanna should have ripped off that mask too, amirite? In my version, under that mask is another mask only that’s a mask of Maya and under that mask there’s another mask and it’s a mask of Lyndon/Nate. Oh yeah, also in my version the person pulling the masks off is Emily and she’s doing it while simultaneously scissoring with Paige. I should probably be hired as a Pretty Little Liars writer. Instead, scary faux-Calalison runs off back through the Even More Tiny Hats Car.
Back over in the Revealing Secrets Car, Spencer returns to discovers only Garret’s mask. Oh yeah, and the Roofie-ing Joker!
RJ (my new petname for the Roofie-ing Joker) tries unsuccessfully to kill Spencer via the classic Head Out The Train method, but Spencer fights back. I mean kind of– not very successfully. Much like not drinking in public, you think the Liars would have taken a self defense class or something. Unfortunately, Spencer doesn’t think to take a cue from Hanna and rip the goddamn mask off. Even with my life in danger, the curiosity would be killing me. Anyways just as RJ is going for Spencer’s jugular, Paige shows up in a soft butch blaze of glory and saves the day. Clearly Paige has been taking those self defense classes I was talking about. My fucking hero.
The best part is how after nearly being killed both of their hair is still perfect. Spencer even still has her little veil on. Well Spencer’s hair is almost perfect, RJ managed to get one long red fingernail stuck in it.
Just before parting ways Spencer thanks Paige, to which she replies, “It was a pleasure.” I know that they were trying to have a Spencer/Paige Reconciliation moment, but it was awkwardsauce. Hm. This scene lends itself to the idea that maybe Paige is dressed as Tuxedo Mask?
Moonsweep back into the terrifying crate of death where Aria is tossing and turning. Aria can’t get out, but what she can do is go face to face with a cold dead Garret.
Called it.
The Liars reconvene and Emily takes Paige into one of the compartments to update her on A and/or hug her with her legs. The Liars scurry off in one direction because this seems like a really good time to take a group bathroom trip. Paige walks off in the other direction to the Hipster Lesbian Car.
There, she runs into The Dread Pirate Jennabert. Paige and Jenna express the usual mutual dislike as well as classic Pretty Little Liars sexual tension. No but seriously have we ever seen these two speak? Because Jenna acts like she’s got a big fat lesbian crush on Paige.
Back inside the crate of terror, Aria begins to hear a girl and a guy’s voices outside. They’re saying things like “push” and “I can’t” and “get back over here.” Plus the crate starts to move. I think we’re supposed to believe some As are arguing over whether or not to push the crate out of the train, but I like to think it was just some high school students trying to bang on top of the crate. I mean, they’d be saying the same sort of stuff. Just as things are looking pretty bad for Aria, the Liars burst in to save the day in a nick of time. I mean, you didn’t seriously think they’d kill off a main character did you? No no no, only creepy older men and sexy bisexual girls die on this show.
For a split second I had the terrifying thought that perhaps the girls were going to try to cover this up and then eventually get charged with Garret’s murder. Eck. Who has the energy for that.
Instead, we time jump to afterward with the Liars and all our favorite side characters in the Police Lockdown Car.
Spencer takes solace with Toby in a gross little hand-face snuggle moment. Weirdly, knowing that he’s on the A-team makes his character feel more tolerable. At least now we know he’s supported to come off like Voldemort. The Liars rehash what the actual fuck is going on. They agree that A got Garret out of jail to them kill him in some sort of NAT Club Death Ponzi Scheme, but disagree on the Aria’s dad being a creep-o factor. You never can tell with these things.
Just then, Ezra bursts in the car to hold Aria lovingly as though the car isn’t full of his former students. Think of how shocked Lucas must be? He’s probably thinking, “Holy shit! Mr. Fitz just kissed Aria! Maybe this means I have a shot with my hot Chemistry teacher!” For the love of God could the writers please pen Aria’s eighteenth birthday into the next episode so I can move on?
Meanwhile Noel, Toby and Jason get themselves into a scuffle that results in Toby throwing Noel into a cooler of drinks. The best part is how the car is filled with police officers but none of them try to prevent the fight. The second best part is the look on Caleb’s face in the background like, “Yo. I just got shot. I don’t want anything to do with any of this. I just want to fuck my hotter than me girlfriend and call it a day.”
Actually, the real best part is that the cooler spills out to reveal a body bag. One Ms. Alison’s body bag. Since Toby is an evil douche, and he caused the body to show up, you know that body is appearing just when A wanted and covered in faux evidence. I sort of can’t wait for this one.
Back at Radley, Mona is safe and sound in bed. What a cute little psycho!
On the floor? That scary-ass Alison mask.
Oh but that’s not the cut-scene. Nope nope nope. It’s a flash-black to the place Alison was buried. Suddenly, one lone right hand with a beaded bracelet reaches up through the dirt.
Welp. That was terrifying, but at least some stuff with Garret was wrapped up just in time to spark some new questions with a couple of new bodies. I’ll see you in January when Pretty Little Liars returns for the second half of the season. My predictions? Toby knocks Spencer up with his demon A seed causing Emily and Paige to adopt and raise the child, Caleb gets a haircut, Hanna gets Prom Queen and Aria finally asks herself “What the hell would a normal guy in his twenties be doing with a high-school senior?” Oh yeah, and Alison totally totally totally has that evil twin we’ve been waiting for.
Oh wait… maybe Paige was supposed to be a magician…
