The next morning the sun shine over Rosewood and overblown emotional music blares through whatever speakers project to the entire town. Hanna folds her mom’s black clothes into her garment bag. It feels like a body bag. Like I said, it’s really overblown.

Check out that ironically placed pillow.

Meanwhile Aria waits outside the vice-principal’s office while Mike and her father fight with him. Ezra approaches her and, again, tries to comfort her. Bro does not take no for an answer when it comes to the feelings.

Hey I know you… Didn’t we have sex once?

Byron walks outside and tells Aria to go home. He also makes a super pissed off face at Ezra. Or maybe he’s just constipated. Who can tell.

I’m all backed up

The Bozo Brother head back to the plane hangar to confront Nigel Ken Doll Wright. Wait. I just connected something. The guy who works at the hangar is named Nigel Wright. I see you PLL staff. I see you.

And don’t you dare say a bad thing about Ani Difranco. She’s a genius.

Nigel Ken Doll Wright admits he was paid to make a fake flight plan. This would be a really good time for him to just continue to play dumb. Unfortunately for him he’s actually dumb and makes himself look really guilty by freaking out and bolting.

Even more constipated than Byron.

Before he does he says that Cece Drake hired him. This is probs a lie.

Oh there it is.

In his one smart moment of the episode, Caleb grabs Ken Doll’s phone before he runs off. Caleb should really take up street magic.

And it even vibrates.

Starsweep back to the hallowed halls of Rosewood School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Ezra has an awkward convo with the vice principal. Ezra tries to convince the vice principal that they have no case against Mike. Truthfully, they probably don’t and the vice principal is just discriminating against Mike based on his history of mental illness.

So I just put my finger in like this?

The vice principal is not convinced though, and basically says to Ezra, “I know you fucked a student so cut the crap and stop trying to defend her.” Ezra is not sure how to proceed.

Oh fuck.

I wonder what Ezra’s angle is here. Do we think that he smashed the car and would hate to see Mike get blamed? Or do we think he’s just defending Aria? Why is everyone so crazy about Aria. Would people be that crazy if I could get my hair to curl perfectly like that?

Also is it just me or are they dressing Ezra really young in this episode? Actually, want to hear something really funny? The guy who plays Ezra, Ian Harding, is exactly the same age as the guy who plays Caleb, Tyler Blackburn. Both are younger than Shay Mitchell and Troian Bellisario.

Across town, Spencer drops in on the Bozo Brother’s pow-wow to see what they dug up. The three of them dig through Ken Doll’s phone call records using more of that cool Rosewood computer hacker software.

I bet there are some of you out there who actually know how to use software like this and think I’m such an idiot that computers mystify me. But in my defense, these programs really do look like early winamp.

A call at 2:23AM? That’s definitely either a drunk dial or phone sex.

They notice he called one number non-stop. They hypothesize that person is Red Coat/A/Cece. I hypothesize that maybe Ken Doll is just in an unhealthy lesbian relationship. At the mention of Cece, TobAy pulls Spencer aside for some cave man talk.

Oh yeah. My ass really does look this good.

TobAy wonders if maybe the blonde his mom’s doc warned him about was Cece. I’m not sure if that even makes sense in terms of a timeline. When did TobAy’s mom die? What’s the timeline here. When are we? Where are we. I’m lost. I quit this scene.

Toby we don’t have to swing with Caleb and Hanna, I just thought it would be fun for me to have some lesbian experimentation. With Caleb.

Over at the Montgomery household, Mike and Aria have a little heart-to-heart. Mike tells Aria that Fitz got the vice principal to talk Connor the Contemptible out of pressing charges and isn’t even punishing Mike. I wonder what happened. I hope Ezra blackmailed the vice principal.

Don’t ask me what happened, I’m still trying to figure out when our living room got redecorated entirely in mahogany.

A hop skip and a jump down the street Emily is cruising America’s Finest Steaks, which is not a gay porn site as you might suspect. Pam walks in and is pissssssssssed. In order to break into Wilden’s apartment, Emily rescheduled her magical shoulder appointment.

This is weird. This steak website doesn’t have a vegan section.

Sadly, Emily’s key theft also means that Pam got suspended from work! Emily had tried to return it earlier but couldn’t figure out how — the place was crawling with police looking for the key. Fancy that, a police station filled with police officers.

It smells like patchouli in here.

Obviously Pam’s lost job/Emily’s generally fucked up life merits a message from A.

…at the crash pad.

Elsewhere, in the hallway of lost love, Aria knocks on Ezra’s door. He’s not home and she goes to leave a note when he miraculously comes up behind her carrying groceries that include but are not limited to milk that definitely already been opened.

Ezra: You know there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you, right? [except pegging.]

Ezra is so not over their break up. If he were a lesbian like Caleb he probably would start crying and telling Aria he can’t live without her and let her become all consuming. Instead he just leans against the wall and, I dunno, goes and hangs out with his kid or something.

The weight of the patriarchy is sure heavy, eh?

Across the town and emotions Ashley meets with Hanna in jail. If this scene is supposed to be emotional someone should have thought to put Hanna in a shirt that exists in the same plane of reality that we’re in.

Futuristic pilgrim chic.

Hanna tries to tell Ashley that she should plead guilty and claim self defense. It doesn’t matter what your lawyer says, listen to your 17-year-old daughter. Ashely isn’t interested in lying about killing Wilden, even though between sleeping with Wilden to clear Hanna’s theft charges, grand theft from the bank, and running Wilden over with her car, she’s probably already committed enough crimes to put her away for her 20 years. Whatever. Ashley Marin ain’t no murderer.

What does it mean when the women in here ask me if I’m a “bottom?”

Elsewhere, Ken Doll is having a pretty bad day himself. He serves up some tea and apologizes for fucking up with Caleb and TobAy and losing his phone.

Do the robot.

But who could Ken Doll be talking to? I don’t know but she wears darks sunglasses. Duhhhh it’s Jenna.

Who else would own that many pens arrange so anal retentively?

Later that night, Emily lies in bed tossing and turning. Is she having adorable yet graphic sex dreasm about scissoring Paige? Maybe. Or maybe she’s stressed out about potentially fucking up her family’s financial situation.

This NEVER happens to Santana.

Emily gets up out of bed and walks downstairs. The stairs scene is a gift for all of us. It’s the most important part of this episode. This is the only thing I care about. Can there be a no-pants/shorty-shorts scene each week? What if this were just the whole show? I would so watch that show.

Please yes.

Emily overhears her mom talking to her dad on the phone about the police station suspending her pending a review. Money is tight, everything is uneasy and scary financially.

Times are so hard I even have rips in my jeans.

Then A drives a car through the wall of Emily’s house.

Your feelings.

This is some crazy-ass Grey’s Anatomy shit. Don’t worry, Pam seems to be okay.

There’s an optical illusion going on here that makes Emily look like she’s puppeteering Pam.

In the closing scene we find out that A is a big old lesbian as she picks up some tools and a gift card for Emily from Home Depot. Awwww so cute.

Jealous.

Tune in next week when Emily will use that Home Depot gift card to buy 35 yards of nylon rope and some cable ties for DIY sexy times for her and Paige.

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