Pretty Little Liars Episode 609 Recap: Drunk In Love

Ella arrives to tell Aria that this is her lucky day. She’s won a photography scholarship at the American Murder Girl Doll School of Art & Design in Los Angeles, California! Ella says Aria should go and get the heck out of this town and be safe, because she doesn’t know about the time that A flew to California just to run Caleb’s mom off the road.

Also leaving town today is Caleb, who has packed one of his indestructible hacking laptops, which makes Hanna thinks he’s not going to visit Uncle-Dad Jamie on the Bean Farm, as he claims, but is instead going after Charles. He assures her he is not doing that. He also assures her there’s no reason for him to stay here and hang out in a tux in Spencer’s barn. She kisses him, but only with a fraction of her usual affection, because she feels suspicion.

Wait, Sara Harvey is going to be around after the time jump?

Okay, Google, is Emison #Endgame?

Emily is lesbianing with Sara Harvey, loading and unloading bikes onto the rack on her car, when out of the blue clear sky she issues a promposal. It’s not like a regular prom, it’s a barn prom. And, you know, just statistically speaking, the more people who show up, the less likely it is that everyone will get lured away to the kissing rock and/or stuffed into the Hastings/DiLaurentis mass grave. Sara thinks Emily’s promposal is super romantic. Not many people these days give it to you straight re: your chances of being kidnapped and tortured when you choose to leave the house, but Sara’s prom at her old school is that night, and even though Emily “means a lot” to her — for reasons that have not been communicated to me on my TV screen with any real effort — she’s going to have to pass.

It’s cool, they’ll do something special later, like probably get married during the time jump or something.

Lorenzo has taken his bullshit to the town square, where Spencer and Toby are having a conversation about how the gummy bears he stole from her and ate in a single sitting got him suspended due to them being laced with weed. And Lorenzo also has been suspended for going with Toby to the horror arcade that night.

Nothing is my fault.

Why doesn’t God answer any of my prayers?

Lorenzo: This is all Alison’s fault, and by extension, your fault, Spencer Hastings!
Spencer: Actually, this is Toby’s fault on account of how he hijacked the plan I presented to him about Charles’ birthday, stripped me of my autonomy, nicked candy that didn’t belong to him; and it’s your fault for letting him convince you to leave your beat and not tell your supervisor. But hey, thank you for continuing to be the embodiment of all the gross realities of Rosewood.
Toby: I blame myself for this, though.
Spencer: That’s because you’re a good guy, honey, who sometimes makes dumb choices.
Lorenzo: MY ARM HURTS! I WAS HIT WITH A TENNIS BALL, YOU KNOW!

Lorenzo’s specific kind of worstness reminds Spencer of Garbage Art Johnny, and in a moment of inexplicability, Spencer begs him — seriously, just fully grovels with him — to forgive Alison and come to barn prom for her. He says no.

I hate Lorenzo so much, you guys. For all the reasons I’ve said before, but also because of how Lorenzo is supposed to make Alison nice. A nice girl. A real sweet nice girl seeking redemption. Alison is not a nice girl, though. And what I want is to see the reasons why she’s not a nice girl. All that shit she did, blinding Jenna and blackmailing Toby and shaming Paige into the closet and giving Hanna an eating disorder, all of it, she did it for a reason. Part of it was selfish and part of it was noble and but most of it was an indistinguishable mash-up of both of those things, good guy stuff and bad guy stuff braided together in a cacophony of greyness. Alison is a bitch. Bitches get stuff done. Bitches keep themselves and their friends as safe as they can in a hard, dark world. If you want Alison DiLaurentis to be a nice girl, you don’t deserve to even look at her. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you know how Mike loves Mona? That’s the kind of relationship Ali needs in her life. (For example, the way Emily has always loved her.)

Cooper ate all my Cheetos again.

I told you to order him a pizza if you were going to leave him home alone.

Over at Marin Manor, Hanna is tearing herself out of the frame because she can’t get in touch with Caleb. He’s not answering her calls, he’s not answering her texts. For all she knows, Lucas is giving him a gloved massage without his consent right this minute. She goes outside to yell at his voicemail some more, and Ashley comes downstairs with the Heart of the Ocean necklace her family has been passing down on prom night for generations. I mean, yeah, it’s a barn prom, but it’s still a prom, and even though the Liars are going to get burned alive in it, they deserve to go up in flames looking fancy. Emily can’t wait for the day when Ashley Marin is her mother-in-law. For now, she just squeezes her hand and smiles sweetly at her for understanding what it’s like to want to look pretty while you’re dying.

Alison is standing in the dark in her living room, not wearing a scarf thankfully, at least she’s learned one thing, when her phone rings. She answers it. It’s no one. She assumes, however, that it is Charles. “Charles??!” she shouts into the phone. “Charles, I know you are the silence!”

Who wants to get jagged?

Ashley?

Barn Prom! But first, the moms unite in the Hastings kitchen with potluck options and a firm commitment to staying sober and watching over their children. Well, no. I mean, not a firm commitment. More like a slightly flexible commitment. A pliable commitment. Their commitment to say sober is a little wobbly, let’s say. It’s yielding. Their commitment is tested to its breaking point when Veronica offers wine not once, but twice. They say yes, yes, of course, one glass. Veronica pours and everybody guzzles. They wander to the window, quaffing that pinot like Gatorade, and see Ali in the yard. She’s leveled up her yellow tank top of perpetual death to a yellow ball gown. She looks like Belle, but without the Disney-eyed wonder.

Ali waves. Moms wave. Then Ali scampers off into the night, with a red cloaked red coat right behind her.