Mike scurries out into the woods and hides a prize in the knothole of a tree like real Boo Radley. Andrew spies him doing it and reports back to Aria immediately. He tells her he will take her to that tree, he will take her and quiz her about world history on the way and she will get into college and they will climb that tree, he will take her there. Andrew really wants to see Aria’s bra. Aria says that there’s no need for that; all he has to do is tell her what the tree looks like and she’ll find it herself.
An amazing thing in the Marin kitchen on a Saturday morning:
Ashley: Morning, Em. You want some pancakes?
Emily: No, thank you. Ms. Marin, can I ask you a question? If your life was a hellscape of psychological warfare and you knew you could find sexual comfort — which isn’t everything but is at least one bright spot in a world of ceaseless homicide — in the arms of a partner you couldn’t see yourself with long term, would you go for it? I’m asking for a friend.
Ashley: Is that friend me?
Emily: What?
Ashley: What?
Emily: I’m really asking for me, Ms. Marin.
Ashley: Right, yes, of course. Look, the way I see it, life lasts a few minutes, really, and less than that if you’re either a teenage girl or a lesbian or a person of color in this town, and you’re all three, honey, so make it count with someone who matters for the very few moments you’re alive.
Emily picks up a pancake off the top of the stack and chomps into it. Wonderful. Ashley Marin makes everything so much better.
Spencer is at home trying to wrap her head around why Toby loves being the police so much, when Johnny comes smashing through the backdoor demanding a tool box. Spencer gives him a mirror. Just kidding. Spencer gives him a tool box. Just kidding. Spencer puts on her burglin’ outfit and grabs her little lyin’ toolbox and hops into Johnny’s GD Volkswagen van so they can go steal “their” “artwork.” I’ve got a secret and you can keep it for free: There are few things in life as dangerous as assholes who mistake their awfulness for integrity.
Also, Johnny doesn’t even know how to pick a lock! He fiddles with the door handle of the art gallery for a good ten minutes before Spencer finally pushes him out of the way, pulls her lockpicks out of her pocket, and pops open the door in three seconds. They snag all the paintings and tuck them away in Johnny’s van. No problem. Easy peasy. But when Johnny pull the last one off the wall, an alarm sounds. He flips out and runs around in circles, but refuses to leave his precious graffiti behind, so he finally wrestles it off the wall and hops in the passenger seat of his van and Spencer drives them away as fast a Mystery Machine will go. So like 25 miles per hour.
Aria, meanwhile, is trekking into the woods to look for the place where Mike stashed his crime things. Do you see this, Spencer? Not only are you ruining your own life by scheming with my worst nightmare, you’re also going to get Aria killed! She is taking initiative in your absence! She is taking initiative in the forest by herself, trying to distinguish one tree from ten thousand trees based on someone’s verbal description of the tree, and she is doing it in the dark! While you are helping a Mugglehead commit a crime that is basically just stealing a whole different crime!
Hanna and Emily are practicing and practicing and practicing their dance, getting ready for Hanna’s coach to arrive and give them a verdict about whether or not Hanna is pagent material. Caleb has ramped up his support and is providing sustenance in the form of cheesesteaks. Also he is providing rage-making news in the form of: Kate has also entered the pageant. You can guess how Hanna responds to that information, and it is by practicing her moves with even more tenacity. She’s got this coach that makes her feel like she’s the kid at fat camp who eats her own toothpaste and she’s got this evil stepsister who makes her feel like she’s unlovable by even her own father. And you know what she’s going do about it? Dance, bitches. She’s gonna goddamn motherfucking Dance.
