This week on Pretty Little Liars, we were promised A’s big reveal but knew, due to the Rules of Television, that promise-keepers are losers/weepers and chances that we’d get all the answers were slim/none. Clearly there’s no limit to the length of Rosewood’s school year or the amount of psychological torture its prettiest littlest liars are capable of enduring. At this point, they really should all just move. Because why be here…
…when you’d be so much happier HERE!
Anyhow, due to the inherently epic nature of a season finale, I decided to attempt a recap of the entire g-ddamn episode (usually I stick to the gay parts), which may or may not have been a poor estimation of my talents/time/abilities. Then there was this stuff happening with my apartment and furniture that you care about less than you care about Aria and Ezra swapping spit in the Blue Lagoon, so long story somewhat-shorter-than-necessary — this is late, and I’m sorry. Also it’s not funny. I mean, it’s funnier than if you did it yourself (unless your name is Jacob Clifton or Heather Hogan), but it’s not, you know, really funny. It’s really not funny at all and I think that’s ’cause there is SO MUCH PLOT, like SO MUCH, that there’s really no room for jokes, and so maybe deciding to recap this episode was stupid on so many levels! Anyhow please comment to make me feel better, please.
Here’s the episode, if you’re nasty!
Let’s get going! 
We open in Spencer’s Pretty Little Pantry Kitchenspace, where her newly-installed flat screen television announces that Garret Reynolds has pled “not guilty” to the murder of you-know-who and that the P.D. suspects Garret Reynolds joined the force to conceal his criminal activities and compensate for the shape and size of his genitals. (The last part is implied.)
they're pre-empting college jeopardy for this shit?
Spencer says ’twas Jenna who gifted the coppers with the Infamous Page Five of the Autopsy Report (not to be confused with Page Six, which is already chock-full of Blind Items), and Aria requests they “put Ali to rest,” which’ll obviously never happen, ever. Hanna’s already masticating all over page seven:
Hanna: “Ian’s dead, Garrett’s in jail — Melissa and Jenna were both in Ali’s room that night too. They may not have killed Ali, but they’re definitely guilty of something.”
As if on cue, psychopath Melissa saunters in, leans suggestively on the freshly-shined granite countertop and dishes some creepy shit about her confidence in Ian’s innocence and her confidence in The Liars’ psychological inability to murder anybody.
why is your sister talking like mr.burns all of a sudden
Driven by the eternal gnawing hunger of the Ian Fetus, Melissa eyes the cup of ice cream Aria has apparently been coveting all scene long, having surely gone to the store, selected & purchased her scoop and transported the scoop to Spencer’s without letting it melt even one teeny tiny bit. “Are you gonna eat that?” Melissa asks, and Aria is like, whatever weirdo, you need all the sweetness you can get.
look ladies, i felt the same way you feel right now. but then i discovered activia.
Melissa: “Is this peanut butter?”
Aria: “Toffee.”
Melissa: “Mmm. It is good. Thanks.”
Melissa dashes with her Baskin-Robbins and A drops a mobile-text-message to threaten the ladies with body bags, which makes Aria very nervous because she’s unsure if A’s body bag will go with the multi-colored body bag she’s already wearing.
the only body i wanna bag is five years too old and five times too gross for this body
Hanna’s like, “Ugh, why do I have Courtney Love hair suddenly?” (silently) but immediately Spencer spies a “messenger” at the door, surely imported from the 15th century or whenever messengers were last used to deliver invitations to school dances everybody probably already knows about, and bequeaths the liarz with A’s specially annotated versions of the Masquerade Ball Invitations.
this is such a cinderella ripoff
Spencer, looking just as arbitrarily psychotic as her sister, walks all fugue-like to the window, stares at something/nothing and intones: “Hide and seek was my favorite game with Melissa. You wanna know why? I always won.” Okay, weirdo.
hide the salami was always my favorite game with toby. wanna know why? i always won.
And cut to Rosewood High School of Eternal Autumn, where the Pretty Skittle Liars continue talking about themselves/A, and Aria’s brain continues to excreet gems like this:
Aria: “Parties and body bags go together like drinking and driving.”
It’s with this same attitude that Aria dresses herself every morning.
and then i was like "ezra, my dad put me in this straightjacket for a reason, and that reason is not BDSM play."
I don’t really even know what they’re talking about anymore, besides everybody being A, but Emily says this, and it’s genius:
Emily: “Guys, I don’t trust Melissa as far as I can throw her and Ian’s fetus, but let’s not forget that Jenna also knows about the Jenna thing.”
And speaking of genius:
Hanna: “The only person I know that’s smarter than Spencer is her sister.”
Spencer: “Um, I take offense. Melissa did score higher on the Wechsler scale, but when you take into account my scores, and the Flynn effect, combined with real-life accomplishments, the gap in our IQ’s is virtually nonexistent.”
she doesn't even know latin, you guys
They’ve got ’til midnight the next day to return A’s Palm Pixie which leaves only a slim window for additional sleuthing, so after exchanging endearing glances of appreciation for Spencer’s myriad quirks of intellectual defensiveness, the foursome agrees to play another round of “digging through Ali’s duffel bag” AGAIN that evening. Just in case they missed a dead body or confession or creepy living doll the first 45 times or, who knows, maybe somebody’s lost sunglasses and/or umbrella will turn up. Or something like this:
ali is a top
Mona Mony, adorned in a Michael Jackson tribute red leather jacket, busts the spy meet-up to squeal about the ball and invites everyone to accompany her costume-shopping voyage at a “vintage shop one town over,” aka the One Tree Hill set across the lot.
come on i'll do that thing with your nipples that you like so much
They collectively decline, but it’s Hanna’s turndown that really stabs Mony Mona in the genitals, ’cause Mony Mona has a big fat lesbian crush on Hanna…. OR DOES SHE?!
Cut to later that day at Chez Pedo Ezra, where Aria’s apparently got access despite his absence and probs spent her lunch break smelling the furniture and rubbing her pelvic bone against his Many Books.
honestly this is a really cool apartment with all that exposed brick, good lighting etc.
Hanna’s stressed ’cause she’s gotta lie to Caleb and Mona regarding her whereabouts and they’re blowing up her phone like the barn where Jenna got blinded.
because a threesome just isn't a threesome when it's only a twosome
Hanna’s been losing patience at quicksand pace lately, and it’s understandable that the state of relative life-peace enabled by her understanding boyfriend, Mony Mona’s Big Fat Lesbian Crush, her impeccably arranged face and the blouse/belt situation she recently snagged off a Blanche Deveraux Memorabilia ebay blowout auction has made Hanna crave normality AND OH — honesty.
Hanna: “I’m lying to everyone I care about. And I don’t even know why I started lying to begin with.”
Let’s ignore the sheer inanity of Hanna’s sudden amnesia and her consequential inability to recall the golden rule that you can’t be pretty or little without being a liar and move forward, shall we?
life isn't a box of lasagna, y'all
Of the four, Hanna’s always been the most reluctant about the psychotic A-labyrinth they’re all embroiled in, and the most eager to return to normality. See, Emily’s got to solve the puzzle ’cause she’s got this untenable attraction to “the right thing” (punishing evil-doers, rewarding the good, making sure life is fair). Wechsler Scale Spencer’s got the strongest familial stake in the matter but moreso Spencer’s the Genius who’s gotta get the right answer, always, has gotta untangle all of life’s messy strings. Then there’s Aria, who’s just terrified of being alone for one second and therefore tends to err on the side of groupthink.
And we return to poor Hanna, perched atop Ezra’s sled-bed of Amore, who just wants to make out with her lesbian boyfriend and/or lesbian girlfriend and tell everyone the truth about everything including but not limited to The Truth About Jane.
Aria tells Hanna to get the fuck off that bed ’cause it’s crime scene I MEAN it’s “sacred ground,” which’s maybe the lamest way ever to inform your friends that you’ve ridden Pedo Ezra’s homey hobby horse, but who cares, really, let’s get back to this pen Spencer found:
note the matchy-matchy sitch happening with these phantom nails and this pen
So, via Ali’s bag, they’ve got half a postcard for “The Lost Woods Resort and a pen reading “Dougherty’s Landing” and via The Internets they have Google Maps and after smashing all those concepts together, the Liarz decide to visit this little hideaway themselves.
omg is that finn hudson naked in the locker room?!
Cut to the foursome driving to The Lost Forest Woods Spookytown Scareville Resort, where they’ll either meet their true deaths, get bedbugs, or find out who A is.
this is it you guys. this is wally world.
Basically the idea here is that Ali, that tricky bitch, maybe stayed here once, like maybe the day she died or the day she picked up a new wig at That Cute Vintage Shop in Brookhaven, and maybe also she was flown here via helicopter by Ian, or something.
Emily: “What would Ali be doing up here?”
Hanna: “She wasn’t bagging a deer, that’s for sure.”
What if she was though? What if all this whole mix-up was just a hunting accident?
Confronted with hands-down the creepiest shit ever, the high-on-mystery Liars trample through the muddy dark stormy rainy night of terror to secure a romantic room.
this looks like a really nice place for four teenaged girls to spend the evening
The over-eager clerk’s got about one millon more facial expressions than the ladies, especially in the eyebrow area, and he claims no knowledge of Ali’s Vivian Darkbloom alter-ego. He shares some appropriately menacing shit about high vacancy rates and five minutes and $14.99 later, the Liarz are checked the fuck in.
don't let this hotel's resemblance to the haunted house of horror trouble you, my pretties
Oh also, at some point A dashes about in the dark night air, probs playing hide-and-go-seek with Melissa and Count Chocula. Count Chocula always wins.
um, whaddya mean there's no in-room wi-fi?
Before anyone can scream HOTEL PARTY, Hanna in her fantasticness and surely tip-top-trendy shoes slips in the mud, thus cementing Hanna’s conviction that this is all really quite totally absolutely without-a-doubt-fucked, but Spencer’s high on Detective Fumes and is already digging through their chateau for ambiguos clues.
ugh those pillows look so scratchy
Spencer’s jonesing to get her hands on the registration book and its potential well of secrets and so she and Aria dash out to get their breaking & entering on — sidenote, I love that Spencer’s always got a flashlight on hand — while Hanna hops in the shower ’cause she’s a dirty dirty girl.
the weather outside is frightful, but the liars are so delightful
Since her vanishing, Maya has only called when Emily’s got no service or is away from her phone, which is sketchy as fuck. This hasn’t yet culled Emily’s feelings for Maya, as evident by Emily’s desperate beseeching facial expressions every time she misses a call or gets an alleged text message. Clearly The Lost Forest Woods Spookytown Scareville Resort vacation is an opportune moment for Maya to call, and she does, because Emily’s so far into Buttfuck Egypt she’s breaking sodomy laws overseas.
should've gone with verizon
Thus Em moseys out of the room like a fucking idiot, phone held high in the pitch-dark sky, as Hanna showers. The camera angles and music all point to a Psycho re-creation which thankfully doesn’t end in Hanna getting stabbed in the face. Oh, also A’s lurking around too, obviously.
A drops in to steal some hotel soap
Meanwhile, Team Sparia have successfully busted into the office and secured crucial details regarding Vivian Darkbloom’s staycation at the The Lost Forest Woods Spookytown Scareville Resort on a date very close to the day she disappeared, so we’re all rightly proud of ourselves and everybody goes to bed alive.
oh my god i think she stayed here with heath ledger
Next morning. Day of the dance and everybody’s suddenly dateless, or whatever, but they absolutely can’t miss it because they’ve got swell costumes and a date with death. It must be jarring, constantly going from murder mystery to school dance and back again.
Oh also, A is spying on these bitches via glory hole, a la Porky’s:
this is how A sees it
Hanna’s dateless ’cause Caleb’s Mom is in town, or something, which’s devastating as Hanna’s costume is a strictly Couples Costume so now everything is ruined.
Hanna: “I’ve wanted to be Juliet since Bridget Woo beat me out for the part in the 6th grade.”
Emily: “Looking back, I think I wanted to be Romeo.”
Hanna: “So, will you go to the party with me?”
Emily: “I’ll be your date, but I’m not dressing like a dude.”
DAMN.
This is what A’s wearing:
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Spencer stops by Toby’s landing to beg for forgiveness, but he’s very distracted moving pieces of wood from one side of the frame to the other.
i'm just a girl, standing in front of a man-beast, asking him to love me
She tells him to stop being that guy who wouldn’t let anybody in, which’s profoundly selfish on Spencer’s behalf as he did let Spencer in, and she (because of A, but still) pushed him out about as fiercely as possible. So Spencer walks off set as Toby fields a call from… DR. SULLIVAN?!!?!
We then mozy to another wooded/treed area, where Not-Blind Jenna is applying her 67th coat of blood-red lipstick like the creepy motherfucker she is, and we’re meant to realize that she’s absolutely not blind anymore, if she ever was. Because you know, she drove that car to that place. She’s that not-blind.
pucker up
Jenna saunters her not-blind ass over to a romantic picnic table, where a darkened human is sitting — but we can’t see the human ’cause the camera angle is from right behind the human.
i can't take my eyes off of you
Jenna: “I’ve thought about this moment so many times, wondering what I would say to you if I saw you again.”
Is that ’cause she couldn’t SEE before, or ’cause the person wasn’t around before? Mystery abounds.
note that SUV
Jenna hands The Mysterious Mute a tacky Old Navy hat with something inside it, probs dead mice, anthrax or a Mockingjay pin, and then entones: “They’re all gonna be at the dance. You know what to do.”
I like how they speak in code even when nobody’s nearby.
Cut to Rosewood High’s Masked Midnight Garden Ball of Good and Evil But Mostly Evil, broadcasting live from the enormous Rosewood Auditorium!
Spencer’s dressed as a killer bee, Emily’s going for Miss Sea World 2012, Hanna is The Snow Queen and Aria’s dressed as AP Geometry.
Spencer: “We have three hours to find out who A is before A finds us.”
This is an admirable projection considering after a year or two (?) they’ve yet to secure a solid lead, but the gym decor suggests a magical night is in store. Everybody knows that putting a mask over your eyeballs completely obscures all other identifying facets of your identity.
don't look but i think that famous computer hacker person is behind me
Everyone pretty-promises to be “in this together” and to rendez-vous at midnight, “no matter what happens,” which I think means that no matter what happens, there’s no possible way that they’ll rendez-vous at midnight.
“It’s four against one,” says Hanna. “I like those odds.”
“They just want a good show, that’s all they want,” says Gale.
“There’s 24 of us Gale, and only one comes out,” says Katniss.
“I don’t like those odds,” says Riese.
Oh guess who showed up!?! It’s Caleb The Lesbian Man, dressed as Romeo, if Romeo shopped at Structure in 1992.
thanks so much mona but we're still not gonna have a threesome
Mony Mona’s in tow, hogging all the credit for his presence, and thusly Hanna loves the hell out of Mony Mona and thusly Mony Mona comes in her pants.
Spencer wisely observes this noble exchange and hops on the Mony Mona train:
Spencer: “I don’t know why you hide behind that layer of superficial bitch, but you are a great friend to Hanna.”
Mona: “That means more to me than you’ll ever know. Thanks to Allison, I went years without any friends.”
Spencer: “We never stood up to her. I’m sorry for that.”
Mona: “I quit thinking about that stuff a long time ago. It’s funny, today I just couldn’t get her out of my mind.”
Which brings us to a flashback between Dorky Mona (indicated by glasses and a mildly stodgy turtleneckish fisherman-sweater Laney Boggs situation) and Ali/Vivian Darkbloom at That Cute Vintage Shop in Brookhaven, which apparently is open 24/7, has no salesclerks, and is creepier than a deserted Contempo Casuals.
ali tell me something, how do you feel about clam-diving
Basically, Vivian/Ali’s hiding from somebody and endears Dorky Mona, who’s salivating like a baby in a stroller wheeling by an ice cream store, to keep it all a super secret. In a move so unlike Dorky Mona that one might question this tale’s veracity, Dorky Mona’s willing to keep her lips sealed but demands something from Victor/Victoria/Vivian/Ali in return.
ok fine, i'll let you get to second base, but don't tell emily
“I want to be popular,” says Dorky Mona, and Ali’s like, here, and rips up that Lost Woods Resort postcard and writes a phone number on it. It’s probs 1-215-POPULAR.
We return to the present day and Mona recalling: “I left her a message that night, but then she went all MIA on us…”
Anyhow, enough of this rapid plot development — it’s time for Mystery Guest #2!
barf
Ezra: “No matter how hard I try, I can’t stay away from you.”
Okay, firstly: gross. Actually, that’s all I have to say about this: gross.
there's more than one way to bag this body
Meanwhile, Spencer’s in absolute heat over the A-Game and has busted that ball in favor of hauling out to The Lost Forest Woods Spookytown Scareville Resort with Mony Mona, having put two and 800 together and determined that A may in fact LIVE/work at The Lost Forest Woods Spookytown Scareville Resort, or something.
can you do a quick lap and tell me if my strange-looking ex-boyfriend is hovering since everybody else's seems to be
This leaves Dateless Emily alone in a sea of masked schoolmates, fending helplessly for herself in a dress made from The Little Mermaid’s shredded vaginal walls.
hey spencer do me a solid and pick up a skim latte on your way back?
Pedo Ezra and Starria dance and say gross things to each other during, I think, a Taylor Swift song, which is not just a feminist nightmare but an overall all-around undeniably cruel nightmare.
this is a really bad idea but let's do it anyhow
Smear to The Lost Forest Woods Spookytown Scareville Resort, where Spencer’s clue-digging and having high tea at 10PM with the weirdo hotel owner and his two desk lamps. This is all part of some plan I forgot about that involves getting into A’s alleged lair in room one or two or 666 or whatever.
what if you taste your tea first so i can be sure mine doesn't have anthrax in it
Skip on back to the dance, where Dateless Emily suddenly finds a hand upon her shoulder and WHO COULD IT BE?
HEY-O!
hello, my drag name is peter paige
It’s Paige! Last time we shacked up with Paige I mentioned that she’d never looked better, but I spoke too soon. She looks even BETTER now. Paige is doing that cute thing girls sometimes do when they come out wherein she begins to experiment more fluidly with gender and goddamn does she look nice in that suit, bravo. If Emily wasn’t clinging so hard — yet also so ambivalently — to Batshit Maya, then these two would make a smashing pair.
Yet we must flash back to The Lost Forest Woods Spookytown Scareville Resort where Mona and Spencer are creeping into A’s Romantic Hideaway while I yell THERE’S GONNA BE A SHRINE PHOTO SHRINE WITH THE NEWSPAPERS ABOUT BEING MISSING SITUATION SHRINE STALKER SHRINE because I mean, duh, I’ve probably seen 56 episodes of Criminal Minds over the last three months, and I’ve also seen the Naomi Stalker Shrine (Skins), the Maxxie Stalker Shrine (also Skins), the entirety of One Hour Photo, every episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit so duh duh duh to all of this crazy-ass A-ness.
why does it smell like vagina in here
+
that clown doll represents noel cahn
+
somebody's helping to keep newspapers in business
+
A is very into collaging.
So, there’s that.
Annnnd back we go to Rosewood High’s Masked Midnight Garden Ball of Good and Evil But Mostly Evil, where Emily and her two facial expressions are chilling in the secret garden, reminiscing about picnics with Paige and the good ol’ days before Batshit Maya returned to scare Emily’s Mom and then vanish into the ether.
now that i've got you here, i want to talk to you about something i saw on youtube. it's called kony 2012.
Paige: “Sorry about the other night.”
Emily: “It’s okay, forget about it.”
Paige: “That’s the thing, I don’t want to forget about it.”
Me neither! I mean, this masked-murder-mystery mashup stuff is super-suspenseful and interesting, but Paige’s exuding such splendid dapperness this evening and I’d really like them to make this happen, pronto. Surely Emily could use a pick-me-up, considering Pedo Ezra and Caleb The Lesbian Man are getting their jollies all over the fake lagunas and swamplands currently adorning the Rosewood High gymnasium. How about a little lesbian action, you know?
seriously emily, just look at me. LOOK AT ME. how can anybody say no to this face?
Paige: “We have a connection, you can’t deny that.”
Emily: “We did, but I–”
Paige: “I get it. I messed it up.”
Emily: “You weren’t ready, and that’s okay.”
Paige: “I wish I’d fought harder for you.”
Emily: “Sorry, Paige.”
Paige: “I didn’t tell you so you’d be sorry. I just wanna be honest. And I care about you. So I’ll be here for you. For whatever you need.”
Oh good! Let’s start with Emily’s bra! I think it’s too small, b/c her boobs look smashed. Someone should remove that. Also, there’s this body bag situation…
she actually looks genuinely happy, doesn't she?
Honestly, we’ve all known what Paige knows now from the second her and Emily split up and Paige rowed into a river that’d lead right into a lake of regret. It’s nice that we’re all here splashing around together now as a family.
Emily: “What I need right now is a friend.”
Paige: “It’s official. We’re friends.”
Emily: “That makes me happy.”
look one of us dressed up as romeo tonight and it's not you
Paige shoots Emily intense sexy eyes that would probably remove my pants via Jedi Lesbian mind force, but Emily’s wearing a dress, so let’s get back to that shrine!
Back at the Allison DeLaurentis Memorial Hideaway, Mony Mona’s got her gay little fingers all over what she determines must be A’s costume…
this is a really great vivid illustration of the black swan costume
Mony Mona and Spencer agree that A is at the masked ball dressed as The Black Swan.
Me: “What did she just say?”
My girlfriend: “A is the black swan.”
Me: “A is Natalie Portman?”
My girlfriend: “Wouldn’t that be funny, if they were like, SURPRISE! It’s Natalie Portman!”
black swan black swan did you really happen
A’s got a multi-faceted curiosity shop going on in there, chock-full of the best stalker shit a girl/boy/gender-variant person can buy:
Lil Liarz Dolls
Spencer’s obviously eating this shit up, as it’s the Mystery jackpot, and there is just so so so much to look at. Spencer finds Ali’s diary and it turns out Ali’s true calling was to be a columnist for YM circa 1995:
“Everyone at school is going to be so jealous of me — if they aren’t already. Just wait til I spend the day next week shopping wth my Mom. I will be getting in all the newest trends from all the best stores. It is going to be so much fun rubbing it in everyone’s faces!”
– Alison Dilaurentis
“Aria’s Dad is cheating on her Mom! I LOVE it! I mean, it sucks for Aria, but I’m a sucker for drama.”
– Alison Dilaurentis
this is anne frank quality shit, y'all
Three seconds/minutes/hours ago, Mony Mona had charitably offered Spencer a stick of chewing gum and thus when Spencer discovers the weak and likely rapidly-dissolving gum wrapper currently functioning as a bookmark in the diary, Spencer’s wily mind puts it all together and realizes that Oh My Fucking God, Mony Mona is A.
three blind mice
“You know what, I think I’ll have some of that gum after all,” says Spencer, and, despite oh-so-recently possessing said gum on her person, Mony Mona must dash to the vehicle to fulfill Spencer’s request…
…and back at Rosewood High’s Masked Midnight Garden Ball of Good and Evil But Mostly Evil, the Liarz are perched atop a jungle cruise, hunting for the Black Swan they’ve been informed about via mobile technology, I think. However it’s a crazed sea of masked adolescents and pedophile teachers and the bitch is hard to spot.
Guess who it is? Okay, I’ll tell you: it’s Jenna! Jenna is The Black Swan!
jenna and natalie portman: switched at birth
Hanna: “Tall, size 2. I hate her already.”
Beguiled by the masked mobs, the Liarz are unable to know what you and me know (that Jenna is the black swan), and they’re confused even further when Black Swan starts chit-chatting to Lucas. Mouth agog, Hanna mutters — “they’re all in this together…”
Lucas, Dude, take your Halloween costume off -- just kidding, that's your face
ANDDDD, we return to the the Alison DeLaurentis Memorial Hideaway, where Spencer’s spookily all like, “You didn’t call Hanna, did you? Because you’re A.” DUM DUM DUM.
now that i'm dressed like a flavored condom, it's ON
Mona: “Congratulations Spencer, you figured it out.”
please note the many-headed alison medusa beast beckoning over spencer's shoulder
Before Spencer can add that accomplishment to her intelligence roster, Mony Mona smacks Spencer in the face and carts her into an SUV for a little midnight ride towards Sketchy Lane with a detour towards Spooky Cove with an ultimate destination of The Dark Dark River.
Back at Rosewood High’s Masked Midnight Garden Ball of Good and Evil But Mostly Evil, Hanna discovers — vis a vis Emily, that wise techno-savy sage — that the phone Mona lent Hanna to use after Hanna threw hers in a bucket of dishwater has been set up to record everything Hanna says, all the time. Nice one, Mony Mona!
stalking clearly takes up a shit-ton of battery power
BUT WHAT DOES IT MEAN?
This day's black fate on more days doth depend: This but begins the woe others must end
So now we’re cutting back and forth between The Liars and Mony Mona’s Torpedo Death Car —
Crazy Mona: “I had to get you out here alone so we could talk.”
Spencer: “Just slow down, okay? Let’s talk.”
Crazy Mona: “You had to earn it– the right ot be a part of it.”
Spencer: “You didn’t see Ali in Brookhaven. She saw you, didn’t she? You just made that story up.”
Mony Mona: “We’re in this together now. I admire you Spencer, that’s why you get to decide how this ends tonight, you can join the a-team or you can disappear.”
i listen in, you should know this
— and The Rosewood High Masked Midnight Garden Ball of Good and Evil But Mostly Evil, where The Liarz maniacally dial Spencer and Spencer covertly answers Aria’s call, thus enabling The Liarz to hear Spencer/Mona’s entire convo via the magic of mobile technology.
your best friend has been abducted by a maniacal teenaged closeted psycho-killer? there's an app for that.
Spencer: “You … you almost killed Hanna, she’s my friend, I thought she was your friend too.”
Crazy Mona: “It’s easier to forgive an enemy than it is to forgive a friend.”
Spencer: “How did you do it? How could you be everywhere? You were always one step ahead of us.”
because everything you did was so ten seconds ago
Hanna: (at the dance, heartbroken) “Mona’s “A.”
And Hanna is, you know, a bit tore up over this, likely questioning every decision she’s ever made, but isn’t everybody — I mean, this is the part where you have to rewind and replay everything that happened between back then and right now and that’s a long, troubling, life-scarring process — if any of these girls even have scar tissue left to spare at this point.
Mona: “You’re not the only genius in this car. You bitches underestimated me.”
Spencer: “You’re never gonna make it to Lookout Point if you don’t slow down.”
Crafty Spencer, dropping the locale for her friends and good news! Aria “Mapquest” Montgomery knows “a shortcut” to Grandmother’s House and also to Lookout Point! Time for a wild goose chase!
you got a fast car, i got a plan to get us out of here
Crazy Mona’s taking tight turns, Mr. Toad’s-Wild-Ride-Style, and Spencer is remaining calm and strategic amidst the storm because Spencer is a goddess like that.
Spencer: “Is this some kind of payback? Because we let Ali treat you like that?”
Crazy Mona: “I am so over Ali. I told you. She was never my friend, but Hanna was. And you bitches took her from me.”
Spencer: “This is about betrayal–”
Crazy Mona: “This isn’t about betrayal, Spencer, it’s about revenge!”
Spencer: “What happens if i don’t join the team?”
Crazy Mona: “Melissa doesn’t have your dad’s gun. I do. When Ali left, it pulled you guys apart. It’ll be the same if you go away.”
Spencer: “No, it won’t.”
So, let’s recap: Mony Mona is A, but Mony Mona isn’t the only A, ’cause there’s an A-Team, and Mony Mona isn’t the black swan, Jenna is the Black Swan, and also not blind, and also in cahoots with Lucas. Also I’m still certain Ali is not dead (and may or may not have an evil twin) because Mony Mona says “when Ali left” instead of “when Ali died,” and also ’cause I’m absofuckinglutely certain it was Real Ali who woke Emily up outside the barn and it was Real Ali who talked to Spencer in Spencer’s living room that one time — last episode, was it?
and then mona transformed into a killer monkey
Aria’s shortcut gets them there in record time and Hanna’s at the wheel, gunning for Mona, who’s stumbled out of the car to massacre Spencer with ten razor blades from her hair. I mean Hanna’s gonna totally run Crazy Mona over but Aria and Emily stop her and everybody’s out of the car.
Cars screech, children scream, giant gowns muddy and fancy shoes clomp clumsily through the wet night ground towards a terrible scene of desperation and horror:
like ultimate surrender but with clothes on
There’s a heated wrestling match in which Crazy Mona tries to kill Spencer, or something, which ultimately results in Crazy Mona dangling perilously off some kind of cliff and Spencer trying to save her but she can’t save her, and her grip loosens and Mona hurtles to (ideally) her death.
wait i still need that gum
Police lights scatter and turn through the night sky as Dr. Sullivan suddenly appears in a beige trench, full of remorse and apologies for skipping town after A threatened her son — (what son?).
no seriously does anyone have some gum
So we know it was Mony Mona who interacted with Dr. Sullivan as “A,” as Dr. Sullivan seems fairly confident that this case is closed. Hanna’s still broken into a million little pieces.
Hanna: “I can’t believe this. She was my friend.”
hanna this might be a good time for me to explain to you what PTSD is
Oh and — Mona’s alive, bitches — girlfriend survived that fall and is being shipped off to the madhouse, apparently, which makes zero-to-no-sense as psych wards are in hospitals, not jailhouses (AND TRUST ME I KNOW) but whatever —
Crazy Mona voiceover: “They think it’s over. Crazy Mona is going to the nuthouse and those precious liars are going home to sleep with their windows opened and their doors unlocked. Don’t they know that’s exactly what we want?’
on the upside, my lipstick still looks really great
Dr. Sullivan: “She was living in an extended state of hyper-reality. The adreline rush that accompanied her feelings of empowerment and her high levels of intellegience enabled Mona to be seemingly all-knowing and omnipresent.”
god i could really go for some gum right now
Dr. Sullivan tells Spencer that if it wasn’t for “her friend,” then Sullivan never would’ve returned to Rosewood. But then Toby xeroxed his face and mailed it to her and said he’d eat her if she didn’t return, so here she is! Thanks Toby!
Toby: “Pretending not to love you was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”
Harder than being arrested for a crime you didn’t commit or fending off sexual advances from his psychotic stepsister? Okay! Spencer and Toby will make up/out now:
tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme
One day I want the romantic end-of-the-scene kiss to be between a lady and another lady, yannow? Speaking of lady-on-lady and TV tropes often dedicated to lady-on-lady storylines, what happens next is REALLY special!
So, The Liarz decide to spend the evening at Emily’s, ’cause Emily’s Mom is in town and has her house back for this episode, apparently —
is there some kind of police car convention in town
— but as they get closer to Emily’s they see more police cars and lights crowding the streets, and they see that a group has gathered behind crime scene tape and Emily calls out for her Mother, who rushes out of the house in a smashing blue velour situation —
please please emily, tell me that somebody around here has some gum
and says Emily, they found a body — they think it’s Maya–
— and then Emily’s heart breaks and the weight of everything all at once bears down on her and explodes into tears — violent, heaving, weeping desperate wailing tears — and it’s all her friends can do to just keep her upright.
So, I think it’s safe to say that Maya has likely been dead for weeks, and it was A using Maya’s phone to trick Emily into thinking otherwise. It’s also safe to say that Maya has now secured a spot in the Dead Lesbians Hall of Fame, right between Tara from Buffy and Silvia from Los Hombres De Paco.
Furthermore, Melissa is a sociopath:
look i'm just here for the gum
And so we return to the High Security Psych Ward, where Crazy Mona’s got a mysterious visitor wearing the legendary red jacket. Clearly it’s the Doyen of the A-Team which now includes at least Mona, probably Jenna in some way, likely also Lucas due to his bemused reaction to Jenna’s not-blindness, whomever is there talking to Crazy Mona and whomever Jenna was talking to at the picnic table (which could be the same person in the red jacket).
Mona: “I did everything you told me to do.”
…and, scene. So what did you think of the episode?!
Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page
You are so grounded for making us wait so long for this. I have so many feelings about it; they will be shared after reading and digesting.
*scrolls back up*
is it bad that i’m SO PLEASED maya’s gone so emily can get with paige? but those sexy-eyes though! and the suit! oh my lord.
I was never attracted to Paige but jesus christ she was hot in this episode.
totally, but couldn’t she just be disappeared forever (like samara apparently is), without having to die and make emily cry in a way that completely broke me?
thanks riese, now I really want some gum.
also, I quit watching PLL after I realized I was fast-forwarding through everything but the gay stuff, and somehow I didn’t know maya was back? so now I’m confused and will likely watch many hours of this show tonight rather than sleeping.
I LOVE PRETTY LITTLE LIARS SOOO FUCKIN BAD BITCHES! IT WAS SO FUNNY I WAS HAVING SEX WITH MY BF AND HE DECIDED TO DO THE SAME THING THAT EZRA DID WITH ARIA EXCEPT WE GOT NAKED:)
Your boyfriend put on a paper bag mask, was your teacher, was also a man-lesbian, and secretly made out with you behind your parents’ back ALL WHILE YOU WERE HAVING SEX?
That takes talent.
This was funny.
Also, can we talk some more about Emily’s boobs in that blue dress ? Couldn’t. Look. Away.
And Paige was hottttt.
Other than that, Maya being dead saddens me. And I agree with your Ali being alive and having a twin theory.
Yeah, Emily’s boobs were totally awesome and distracting.
This show is extraordinarily confusing, but HELLOOOOO paige!
You guys should set up a deal with a gum company and earn yourselves some moolah by dropping band names.
I taught it wasn’t as creepy as the doll episode but Mona suddenly appearing out of nowhere in her hoodie was pretty scary. Not quite keen on the whole Jenna/Melissa/NAT club thing as everyone has their motives which makes everyone equally and annoyingly related to the next A, which is probably the same person in the books. But I’m excited for season 3!!
And dear god, that vaginal wall thing. Top 10 Horror Stories/Articles on AS. EEKK BRB MAKING MYSELF A CHASTITY BELT
*thought
I blame it on the vaginal wall thing.
*who
Blaming it on my chastity belt.
Mona appearing in the hoodie was my favorite part because it made me imagine her in the car, pulling her A clothes out the trunk and giddily speed changing out of her dress because she’s so happy she finally gets to confront Spencer. She probably checked herself in the mirror a few times, added some eyeliner…all in a rush. That should be in the DVD deleted scenes.
The recap was awesome Riese, but I was sad that there were no awesome Intern Grace alt-texts.
I gave her the alt-text ones too late, which is probably for the best because they weren’t that funny, I promise.
hunger games references within a pretty little liar post
guilty pleasure overload
Now that Maya is dead, Emily needs to move to Lima, OH… and have sexytimes with Santana and Brittany.
Pretty sure Emily getting it on with Santana would just be masturbation.
Bahahahahaha, yes.
Still… wouldn’t you wanna watch that?
I would.
Zomg, that’s all i want.
If Hannah had just accidentally dropped the soap, I think she would have found out who A was much sooner.
My cynical self wasn’t surprised that Maya was found dead. This is nothing but a thriller type movie put on TV, and we all know the black character never survives. I’m pissed that the one black person is dead, and because Emily just can’t catch a break. I will say thank you to PLL for reminding me to NEVER get attached to a black character again on a type of show like this.
i think what i was more pissed about, w/r/t queer women of color and wanting emily to have a gay storyline, was what they decided to do with maya’s character when she got back from drug camp. like that’s when i went through being annoyed at that choice and then this is something that happened later, if that makes sense?
So you were unhappy with how they wrote Maya’s character post rehab more so than her getting killed? I don’t think that the people making this show are racist or homophobic, but it’s still a let-down to see the only black character on a show bite the dust. Then with the Trayvon thing, the trial in Mississippi about the murder of Anderson just because he was black, to all the racist crap from the haters of President Obama “don’t re-nig in 2012” stickers for example, and to then have the ONLY black character on one of my favorite shows die (Maya)……….hurt in a way I wasn’t expecting. Then I think of how Emily the only POC left on the show ended up with a dead gf and the other liars got to keep their bf’s. Now my only hope left for a black les/bi character is for Tara to get turned into a vampire after getting shot in the head.
I also agree with this persons view on it. http://tezthinks.purpletye.com/2012/03/20/visibility-matters/
Completely agree. I mean I think Janel/Mona is hapa, but that doesn’t really help when she’s a psycho, right?
There were annoying things about the Emaya storyline and I hated what they did with her after drug camp, but I feel like this choice was b/c they had to have one of the significant others die for proper DRAMA and people wouldn’t freak out as much about Maya as Ezra, Caleb or Toby. As soon as it happened (ok after like 10 min of just wanting to hug Emily) I was like “typical, the lesbian POC dies and all the straight/white couples have perfect happy endings.”
For the record, https://twitter.com/#!/BryanHoldman has been really amazing w/r/t talking about how hard it was for him as a black gay man to write this storyline etc etc.
I forgot about Mona, but now she’s psycho. Could Mona’s character be bisexual since she was the one giving Emily that massage. And I’m convinced that she also has a thing for Hanna. I still think Maya got attacked or something while at rehab, and that’s why she was so freaked out about going back.
Will have to check out Bryan Holdman
yes, you’re right, totally, i don’t disagree with you and everything you say/feel is true. i didn’t mean to sound like i was creating a hierarchy of terrible storylines or making an official statement about queer poc visibility (i don’t think it’s my right to do so, for starters), i was just sharing my own personal subjective emotional reaction to the show as a viewer, which is inherently short-sighted and i also clearly don’t know what i’m talking about, thank you for pointing that out for me and for the link.
basically, when they made maya crazy, i felt like something bad was gonna happen or she was on her way out. i was really worried that she was gonna be A or on the A-Team or involved in a secret relationship with Noel Cahn or Jason DiLaurentis or something. so there were like 15 different possibilities for her next move and all of them seemed terrible and also bad for representation.
So I guess I was relieved in a way (which is probably the wrong feeling to feel) because I had been scared that they were gonna make her a psycho killer — especially after she implied that she was bisexual a few weeks back, cuz then we’d have the psycho bisexual killer trope! does that make sense?
also i’m in serious denial about tara from true blood, if we come back and she’s actually dead i’m gonna be really mad, i’m holding out hope that she gets vampire-rescued.
I didn’t think you were making a hierarchy of the storylines, I just wanted to know if how Maya was acting post rehab bothered you more than her dying. A lot of people were unhappy with how Maya was written for the second season. Then after reading Bianca Lawson’s interview about the missing scenes with Maya & some extra info, I was all “well that explains so much.” http://www.afterellen.com/people/bianca-lawson-interview
I’m convinced that Mona is bisexual so in my mind we do have the “psycho bisexual killer trope.” But I understand why you prefer her dead vs being a psycho killer.
:crossing fingers: for Tara
Riese, now that you put it that way I actually totally understand what you’re saying — I was really convinced she was sleeping with some dude secretly and/or killing people and/or torturing them all as A or part of A. So I guess this was, in a really fucked up way, the best storyline they could have realistically gone with (I mean, god forbid they’re in a happy committed relationship like we’re supposed to believe all the other couples are).
Also, CBL, I def think we’re going to hear some version of the “she just had a big fat lesbian crush on you” w/r/t Mona and Hanna. How annoying that I was rooting for that all along, for Hanna to leave her lesbian boyfriend (ha, I love that description) for her lesbian girlfriend, but now I think it will be spun in a bad way if it shows up at all.
Is it vindictive of me that I hope one of the straight relationships gets broken up, preferably pedo-Ezria, when we find out Ezra is A or big A or whatever?
But Maya dies on the book though, and this episode was pretty much exactly like the story unfolds on the book, minus the Mona survival.
And in the books Emily gets knocked up by some dude. But since the show is different, I am still pissed that Maya the only black person is dead. It would be different if she was on the show The Game and died.
I’m hoping that Mona living is the writers way of saying, “Okay guys, from now on we’re totally deviating from the book. No more book related shit period.”
I don’t watch this show and have no idea what/who why any PLL stuff is, but I never miss your recaps, so when you warned us this wasn’t funny, I thought maybe I wouldn’t finish it, but BUT! Riese it was funny as shit!
My fave was your description of the dance dresses.
So. Riese. I have all the feelings.
All the feelings about Mona being A because she was in the books but Marlene King was like we’re gonna be different but we won’t say too much more and they kept us on the edge of our seats and bravo!!
All the feelings about Maya getting axe-murdered because I am So Tired of watching queer ladies meet untimely ends on the teevee (esp queer ladies of color!) but also in a world of equality it was kind of time for Maya to go and…
ALL THE FEELINGS about Paige and that suit and Lindsey Shaw – dear if you read these you’re just as hot as my future wife Troian Bellisario and let’s be honest hotter because you’re playing gay!
Finally, all the feelings about how awesome your recaps are, Riese (and Lizz!)! In all honesty, I read HH and JC’s recaps religiously but I always look forward to an autostraddle recap because I know the realness will be best maintained by you guys. Hats off.
Kisses,
Liz with one Z
Haha. How many people do I have to fight to be the future wife of Troian Bellisario? Because I do wonder how many of the readers of these recaps and the watchers of the show wish Spencer would just hook up with a.) Emily b.) Aria c.)Hanna d.) All of the above. This I feel is a legit question.
The line of ladies waiting to marry Troian Bellisario/Spencer is as long as the line waiting to marry Emily Fields. So, it circles the earth twice. (sigh, if only there were that many ladies who liked the ladies!)
Troian Bellisario looking hella good in a suit and a type of hat is my wallpaper. I forget what I’m supposed to be doing when I see it.
Aw, thank you. I feel like I tend to get bogged down in stuff like who the hell said it was okay to wear a BCBG racecar driver dress.
Okay I refuse to believe that Maya is dead, her mom said “they THINK it’s Maya” she wasn’t completely sure. And it would be so unfair to Emily, if Maya died, because all the other liars have somewhat stable romantic relationships
Maya is really dead, they’ve confirmed it, maybe they’re planning on getting Emily to hook up with Paige now or Samara may finally come back=)
Did anyone else feel like this made absolutely no fucking sense?
Dr. Sullivan: “She was living in an extended state of hyper-reality. The adreline rush that accompanied her feelings of empowerment and her high levels of intellegience enabled Mona to be seemingly all-knowing and omnipresent.”
Okay, my thoughts. OMIGOD EVERYONE WAS SO GAY!! Aria giving Spencer those adoring eyes when Spencer was going on a rant about how her IQ is just as high as Melissa’s? Aria automatically joining Spencer for her batshit crazy register-stealing gig? “You’re small…but you’re big.” TEAM SPARIA OH CHRIST I SHIP YOU TWO SO HARD.
And thennnnn with Hanna and Emily saying they’d be dates as Girlromeo and Juliet??? I was so angry when they didn’t actually go as dates #BOTP
AND THEN all of this A business is because Mona is madly in love with Hanna?? I just can’t. This episode was insane and made me want to ship everyone with everything. OH! And then Paige showed up dapper as fuck and made me love her.
(Also, I like the suspense with the show. This was a good episode all around)
Yeah the whole Dr. Sullivan thing is very …. just wtf, idk. Her involvement from the start was questionable, and now her “son” being threatened. Her son is obvs going to play some kind of role in the future, or else the writers most likely wouldn’t have bothered a mention (though it is TV so who knows).
But I’m thinking, maybe, just maybe, Mona *is* actually for really reals crushing on/in love with Hanna, but I can’t figure out her angle.
Did Mona start messing with them first on her own? Obvs she saw how much of Hanna’s attention was being taken up by these A txts. Did Mona start fake getting her own A texts, and continue to text the others as part of a little (in her mind harmless fun) game?
And if so, did A catch on? Or was A involved before Mona started texting?
I just cannot buy that a straight Mona would be so hell-bent on exacting revenge against a group of teen girls for “stealing her best friend”. Spreading catty rumours is how straight girls deal with – angsty repressed teen lesbians are probably going to be macabre because of it.
I’m surprised no one was like “Is that a real thing?” at Dr. Sullivan’s explanation. I kinda thought that Emily was giving the Good Doctor a “Riiiiiiight/Confused” face at the police station. Or is that one of Emily’s three expressions. And Spencer should have like the DSM IV on lock since that’s just some light reading for her. But she was just going along with it, no questions asked.
And yes… everyone was so gay this episode. I liked that Girlromeo and Juliet conversation too and was sad that they did go as dates. But then like Paige was in a suit and I was so happy. I wish Lindsey Shaw got to be a regular.
Yeah, didn’t make a lot of sense. I don’t get how Mona’s feeling of empowerment and the accompanying adrenaline made her seem omnipresent… I mean, those feelings could make her feel awesome and all-knowing but why would they make other people feel as though she was everywhere and knew everything?
The whole Mona storyline… I feel as though there is a lot more to it. Somewhere else it was mentioned that after she was locked up, she randomly mentioned her toffee tango lip gloss… and Melissa talked about toffee ice cream or whatever earlier in the episode, which is making people think that they are somehow more connected (pretty random thing to base it on but ok). And now with the idea that Melissa maybe faked her pregnancy and was the Black Swan… I don’t know. I’m interested in seeing where this goes.
I feel so dorky. I watched the first season, read the recaps for season two, and caught the last couple episodes on OnDemand. Now, I’m hooked. ;) It got good!
Hahaha, I know, right? Just because SHE FEELS omnipresent doesn’t mean she IS literally everywhere all the time. Adrenaline can only let you do so much.
I rewatched some episodes. The Halloween episode knowing that Mona is “A” kinda made me shiver. Since Jenna, Lucas, and Mona were all making plans with their eyes or something.
I do hope we get more flashbacks.
Also, when Emily had her emotional breakdown at the end, I nearly cried because it was really good acting and thought: “Wow, remember when Emily had 3 facial expressions? YOU’VE COME SO FAR, BABY GIRL!!” And then got mad because of course they’d kill off the lesbian’s romantic interest. #BOTP
Actually this time, not BOTP. The creator of this show and lead writer is a gay lady. *gasp*
That…doesn’t really undermine the influence of patriarchal standards in television. Willow and Tara were co-penned by a lesbian writer, and Tara still was killed off.
The Patriarchy doesn’t mean “white cis-hetero dudes”. It means that they have more *power* over everyone, including lesbian writers.
Fair enough. The Patriarchy does have its evil tentacles (testicles?) all up in everyone’s business.
i know emily was so good at the end, as was troian holding her. it seemed like ashley benson and lucy hale could’ve tried a little harder, but shay broke my heart and i cried all three times i watched it
I love Lucy Hale because she’s adorable but she regularly stops trying while she’s on screen but not speaking. It’s a thing I swear.
I said the exact same thing regarding the reason why all the girls get their cheezy, romantic, camera-rotating kiss and emily gets a dead girlfriend in her backyard. so not fair.
So I totally didn’t find Moze attractive at all tonight. Eventually I’ll stop calling her Moze but uh,
No time soon. Anyway, Maya dying really hurt. Like badly. I watched this with a group of fellow lesbians and some tears were shead. Dammit. I’m still tearing up a bit! And that ending scene when they found her? Beautiful recycling. It was the same way Emily found out about Allison’s body; same music, same cops, body bag outro, same Maya… Damn I need some tissue.
Why kill the only black character in Rosewood? She’s not even in Rosewood half the time!
Bianca Lawson please be gay for pay again soon.
You said it wouldn’t be funny, but I thought it was hilarious, particularly the captions. Also, loved the line about Ali being a 1995 YM writer.
mehhh last week’s episode was so much better. where is the creepy kid with the lollipop? he obvs knows his shit. also mona just didn’t seem believable to me.. sort of a let down, especially with all the build up to jenna — she’s just the perfect villain. (the red lipstick, the tricky faking of the blindness, her sort of maniacal smile.) aaand we’re really no closer to knowing anything going into next season. but honestly i will continue to watch troian bellisario in anything ever. somehow she surpassed emily in reasons to watch awhile ago…
“Spencer’s dressed as a killer bee, Emily’s going for Miss Sea World 2012, Hannah is The Snow Queen and Aria’s dressed as AP Geometry.”
Hilarious. This is why I read these awesome recaps!!
SO MANY FEELINGS.
What I told my friend was that if you watch the show to find out who A is, you’ll probably be left wanting. But if you watch the show for the friendship then you be happier. I mean like I was pretty bummed that Mona was A because I was growing to like her and I didn’t want her to be A because Hanna would just be sad forever. I can’t wait for season 3 to see how Hanna and Emily are. And for how hot Troian Bellasario is.
Also I told my friend that all the straight couples got on screen moments and the lesbian got a dead girlfriend. BUT OMFG Shay Mitchell killed that scene. And everyone just holding Emily. And a really nice touch was using the same song from the pilot when they rolled out Ali’s body.
So true, the A reveal was really disappointing (I was hoping it would be Ezra, not gonna lie) but I can’t help but still love the girls so I’ll probably keep watching. Even though for a full day after the finale I kept telling everyone who would listen (very few people) that I was DEF not going to watch season 3.
GAH EMILY
“and the lesbian got a dead girlfriend. BUT OMFG Shay Mitchell killed that scene.”
Ironic choice of words =P
First things first. Ezra and Aria did not dance to Taylor Swift… ewwwww. It was Lady Antebellum’s “Just a Kiss.” Much better.
I have other things to say about this episode but I had to get this out of the way first.
OK, so I read somewhere that someone was supposed to be tortured in A’s lair in the finale. So… Spencer getting hit in the face and dragged out was her being “tortured”?
Second, Paige and Emily… yes. Not a fan of Paige so much until she showed up in that suit, all dapper and newly confident and in control. Also, the moment she touches Emily’s shoulder and Emily turns around and Paige is in the suit and mask… It was one of those moments that as a lil kid would have made me swoon, a la the movie Casper or something. Ha. But this time with two girls… much much better.
OK, most importantly… Jenna was NOT the black swan. Yes, Jenna is following Aria and pulls off that black mask but when the black swan walks in, her mask is different than Jenna’s mask. The facial structure under the mask is different than Jenna’s. And most importantly, the girl in the black swan costume goes to talk to Lucas AND JENNA… and then Hanna is surprised that they are all a group, like Lucas with Jenna with the Black Swan. Literally, there is a shot of the black swan girl standing and talking to Jenna. Unless she’s some sort of decoy?
But how did the Liars know to look for a black swan, anyway? Spencer said that Mona didn’t call them to tip them off…
Which then begs the question, who is the Black Swan? Obviously not Melissa, who is currently no size two. Ali? Someone new? Are the three of them–Jenna, Lucas, Black Swan–even part of the A Team? Remember in the beginning when there was the issue of Lucas being suspected because of the Ali memorial bench thing? But why, oh why, would he literally care that much about girl drama to do this for like, two years? Does Black Swan even matter? Is she even really involved? I mean, Mona WAS the one who showed Spencer the black swan costume designs…
But if Black Swan does matter, is she the one Jenna was talking to at the car? Is the black swan Ali? Is the black swan the one who went to see Mona in the end?
SO MANY QUESTIONS.
Also, knowing Mona is A or part of the A-Team or whatever (which is the funniest name… hello, Mr. T) makes the whole Mona and Caleb decoy that much creepier. If Mona is that obsessed with Hanna, then she probably thoroughly enjoyed making out with Hanna’s boyfriend. Also, when she asked Hanna after if there was a text (which there obviously was because Mona would have sent it to make the Liars think A is Melissa) and Hanna said no, Mona knew she was lying to her again.
jenna was the black swan — we saw her, in the costume, it was jenna for sure without a doubt.
I hate to do this but I have to respectfully disagree. When I first watched the episode, I saw Black Swan talking to Lucas and Jenna. When I read this recap, I was like, wait, did I just think I saw it that way?? So I watched it on OnDemand this morning and there was Lucas, Jenna in her dark glasses, and Black Swan. Ok. And now you say this and I worry about my sanity or eyesight so… A quick google brings up sites talking about the mysterious black swan talking to Lucas and Jenna. So…?
I do not normally care about TV shows so much. Feeling pretty nerdy this morning. :P
http://www.wetpaint.com/pretty-little-liars/articles/pretty-little-liars-finale-speculation-why-melissa-could-be-the-black-swan
Holy shit. I didn’t even consider the pregnancy to be fake @_@
Totally agree. When I read that, I was like, whoa. And then you look at some stills and the facial structure is similar to Melissa’s (the strong jawline)… And she would make sense a lil cuz she is pretty crazy. The other big theory is that it’s Hanna’s mom. Why this is, I don’t know. But I saw it all over on other sites. Apparently, we’ll know the identity of her very early in the next season. Who knows.
No, I agree with you. It was obviously not Jenna as the Black Swan.
I’m also deeply confused that A so far is composed of small built girls (and Lucas, who isn’t that big), when all of the action scenes with A trying to kill people he’s a bigger built guy…like Noel. Why hasn’t that been addressed anywhere?
I know, it doesn’t really make sense in terms of plot. In terms of literal logistics, I think it’s because they didn’t tell any of the actors who A was until very very late in the filming/acting process, so all of those black-hooded people were just stunt guys/extras.
Well that’s no fun.
I’m positive that Busy is correct here – Jenna was standing next to the Black Swan and Lucas. If I can figure out how to screen cap it, I will; I just went back to check.
Technically Jenna and Black Swan are both in that picture above with the caption about Lucas but you can’t really see Jenna’s face so… :-/
Yes, Paige in a suit is hot. I’m still swooning.
But more importantly, is this the first time we have a lesbian on TV who isn’t femme or high femme? Because we all know lesbians are great and that greatness is because we’re a hot spectrum. It’s nice to see a little masculine-of-center coming on scene and here’s hoping for more of this and more diversified representation. Baby steps, ya’ll, baby steps.
Damn it! I read things out loud when I think they’re funny so you can’t just go around writing “A-ness” in these recaps!
I have never watched a single episode of this show, and likely never will..But I will never miss a single re-cap, if only for lines like: “..fending helplessly for herself in a dress made from The Little Mermaid’s shredded vaginal walls.”
The “A-team” def. hates Emily the most.
This recap was hilarious!
Okie, feelings time! 1st, sorry for venting on you riese, I think i was just projecting onto you my own shadow (my laziness) of not completing the post I was going to about this episode for my blog. So, you’re not grounded. Onward!
WHY DO QUEERS ALWAYS HAVE TO SUFFER! Damnit. I mean yes, we suffer irl from a multitude of things, but are we ever going to have a queer in a show that’s just like “Hi I’m gay, I don’t need to die or be involved in any high drama, just here being a person, doo dee do.”
However, I’m hoping somewhere out there someone is saying “wow, I still don’t really understand or support gay people, but I feel bad for Emily losing someone she cares about.” Which could lead to further empathy for us, maybe, idk.
Aria’s jacket was so fierce! I even forgave her for the hippie like top with the long strings hanging down which was SO not right for the rest of her outfit. But I digress, can’t always win. Also Hanna, Emily, and Spencer looked AMAZING in their dance outfits. Mmmm. Aria was…idk. I like the dress, but not the execution of the dress, if that makes sense?
So I never thought Mona was a real “A” ally, I thought, due to the change in tone of the texts recently, that obviously she was texting them, but I thought she was doing it on her own and not b/c she was threatened to or whatever. The whole episode seemed to be leading up to Mona being the one and only “A” and even when she came out and admitted she was on “team A” I still wasn’t really buying it. It’s just too fake. Obvs A was holding stuff over her head, but I don’t think she’s really in it in the insane out of her mind way she appears to be. More she’s forced and that’s driven her insane b/c she really does love Hanna as a friend and also possibly a lesbifriend.
Also, re: Jenna – I keep feeling like she’s going to be the “Snape” (Harry Potter) of PLL. Everyone thinks she’s on the bad side and yeah maybe she has done some messed up things, but in the end she’s some sort of weird ally, and the friendship/relationship between her and Alison is possibly thicker than the other girls knew. Who’s to say she isn’t a pretty little liar herself?
I have a lot more feelings and perhaps I’ll finish my blog post, but one more thing.
Re – Allison, I’m pretty sure she’s still alive too. I kept waiting for her to show up in this episode, but she didn’t. The “when Allison went away” instead of when she died thing stood out to me too. There never has been any talk or dialog of “when we saw Ali’s body,” from anyone that I’ve picked up on, all that’s been said was it was a body, assuming it was a real body, and I guess looked like a blonde teenage girl. Also I think Emily in the barn, and Spencer’s Ambien dream were both the real Ali too. The question of course, is is she good or bad or neutral? Obvs she had her whole Darkbloom thing going on got mixed up in some crazy shiz. Perhaps she’s still in the thick of it and pretending to be dead to “protect” her friends the same way they’ve all faked relationship breakups, being mad at each other, etc etc for the same reason.
<3 – Good job riese, very detailed and well rounded write up. Also I lol'ed at the page 6 jab and also and going to watch The Truth About Jane, again now :) Also screw noting the jeep in the BG of Jenna's mysterious park meetup, how bout that classic Mustang? MMM, tasty.
I also meant to mention this;
Re- Queers being mistreated, tortured, always getting killed, etc in shows:
One of the first shows(*1) that was a TRUE drama and had deep character development that had Queer characters I fell in love with, was Six Feet under on HBO (Alan Ball, same writer/producer as True Blood, American Beauty.) In SFU there were TONS of great gay male things covered, and even some bi/les surfaces scratched, and it remains one of my favorite shows ever of all time. ANYWAY, there were also some very very dark and — traumatic (?) things going on as well, as was the nature of the show regardless of Queerness.
To my point: Maya being killed and Emily getting so many horrible things done to her/her lover(s) is just so hard for me to deal with, but yet I understand (at least what I hope is) the purpose for it, possibly.
In one of the later episodes of Six feet Under, David (the gay male lead) is kidnapped at gun point and forced to drive around (and smoke meth I think?) in a horrible (what becomes) anti-gay situation. At the end of said situation, he’s taken into an alley, tied up, beaten, and has gasoline poured all over him. I AM STILL NOT OVER THIS. It ruined like my whole week. Luckily (spoiler) he barely survives this ordeal, and the kidnapper WAS more just crazy in general, than crazy anti-gay.
It’s things like this though that I can never really make my mind up about. Is it necessary to show these horrible things to the masses? To let them know we have an extra layer of things people may ignorantly dislike about us? Sure, yes I suppose so. But it’s always in a situation where there are very few Queer characters (save for L Word which is a different story and off topic to what I’m talking about, sorta, though heloooo queer drama lol).
Anyway, idk. Are we queers our own scapegoats? Are we to continue having writers create characters that basically become crucified for the “greater good” or lgbtq issues? Or are we ever going to just be queer and people, and the stuff that happens in a written drama is irrelevant to our orientation? I know Maya being gay is most likely irrelevant to “A” (if Maya is even really dead), but no one else’s lover’s have died, and it just seems too easy.
I know a lot of people would answer “As long as society is the way it is, then yes, I suppose we will keep being scapegoat’s for the greater good,” which is possibly ONE way I might answer it, but I’m not content with that answer.
(*1)(Aside from Ellen, which was comedy and kinda campy, and queer as folk which was good but still not exactly an in depth drama all the time.)
the season finale was a bit disappointing. I hoped A wouldn’t be anyone obvious like Mona or Jenna.
Don’t know if someone already said this but I’m pretty sure Ezra is Dr. Sullivans son. Wasn’t that the reason why aria ended up not telling her about dating him and scrambling out of there when they first went to her?
OOO! That would be great if that were the case. I did think they clammed up and bounced out of Dr. Sullivan’s is because they saw Ezra’s diploma on some shelf. (I do believe.)
But how awesome would what A had on Dr. Sullivan was that “my son is dating a teenage girl and thus his life would be ruined if that became a known thing.”
Yeah true! I was thinking it might be Toby or Caleb potentially?
http://www.afterellen.com/incredibly-comical-adventures-emily-and-santana-the-mystery-of-maya-st-germain