Meanwhile in Hanna’s Kitchen Of Processing, Emily busts in the door and “j’accuse!” re: Hanna bailing on dinner with Ali for no good reason and in the process admitting that she keeps track of Hanna’s menstrual cycle? Wha? Em, I love you, but it’s hard to sympathize with you right now.

Trying to decide if this is the moment to confess to keeping a menstruation spreadsheet on Google docs

Hanna says it’s hard for her to be around Ali right now, and when Emily defends her, Hanna asks if they’re involved. Emily gets weird about it, which is probably appropriate since Ali is also weird about it. Hanna agrees to go to dinner because she needs something to do for the rest of the episode.

It’s time for Our Dinner With Alison! Everyone is super uncomfortable, including me. I’m so bad at social situations like this, where everyone has motives and no one is being honest but everyone is being polite. Emily and her mom go off to do dinner things, so Ali seizes the moment to tell Hanna to stop seeing Caleb because she doesn’t trust him. Hanna tells Ali to fuck right off forever and then decides to drink a bunch of vodka, which was nice.

This jacket makes me look like sex, and that’s what counts.

Eventually, the fearsome foursome sits down to dinner.

Would this be a bad time to bring up the flaws of capitalism?

Hanna is tipsy but holding it together impressively well, Ali is lying her face off about being kidnapped, and Emily looks like she’s so stressed out she could get her period early. Hanna digs into Ali, saying there’s no one in the world like her, so Ali offers to help Emily’s mom clear the table, which is crazy because literally everyone still has a full plate of food.

Look, all I’m saying is that tax inversions are bullshit, I don’t think that’s as debatable as you’re making it seem.

Emily correctly guesses that Hanna has been drinking, to which Hanna responds, “I needed something to wash down all the bologna we had at dinner,” which is probably my favorite line of the season so far.

Later, Emily tells Hanna she’s driving her home because she’s being drunk and unhelpful. Hanna brazenly tells Emily that her mom doesn’t believe Ali and implies that the plan is unsustainable.

Emily “Loyalty Until Death” Fields

An unspecified amount of time later, Aria is walking to her car, presumably after escaping from under Rhonda’s bed. Lamb stops her and asks what she’s looking for, but she’s like I’M LATE I’M LATE FOR A VERY IMPORTANT DATE and scurries away. Lamb calls Ezra. I’m sure we’ll hear all about it in a few scenes.

Baaaaaaa

Later, Aria and Spencer are flipping through Bethany’s sketchbook. It starts out pretty standard-issue but quickly devolves into something much more sinister. With the original sketch the liars had in the new context of the book, the story becomes clear: Bethany saw Toby’s mother die in the fall off the roof of Radley, and she knew that Mrs. DiLaurentis was a part of the cover-up, so she broke out of Radley only to be killed with a shovel, possibly by A. Spooky. Also whoever they commissioned to do the art: Good job, it looks really great.

No, THIS is the vulva. You’re pointing to the actual vaginal opening.

Apparently Emily dropped Hanna off at the Brew, because that’s where she is now. Sydney is also there, and after an awkward introduction, she offers to “wait it out” with Hanna, who is supposed to be drunk but looks 100% fine to me.

Hi, I’M Sydney, and I’ll be your murderer this evening. Do we want to start with drinks or appetizers or are we ready to order?

They sit down and eat some cheese and talk about Toby and Jenna’s house exploding, as one does. Sydney gets Hanna to admit that she’s tired of fighting someone else’s battles and that she could imagine a world where she made up with Shana I MEAN JENNA.

This is just like the “Friends” coffee shop but also nothing like the “Friends” coffee shop.

Spencer and Melissa are fighting in the kitchen about their parents.

Grumpy Conspirator

This conversation happens:

Melissa: Parents… parents are not supposed to stop loving each other.
Spencer: This is not about love. If it were about love then there wouldn’t be bodies buried in backyards up and down the street. This is about lies. And whispered conversations that stop when somebody walks into a room. It’s about Alison. What really happened to her. And what happened to that poor girl who ended up in the ground.
Melissa: You’re right.
Spencer: I am?
Melissa: But it’s still about love, Spencer. Sometimes people do things they can’t explain, things that they regret. But it is still about love.

Which I kind of liked! It was pretty on-the-nose, but I liked it. It was touching, and I like to believe that there are very few people in the world who act in ways that are completely selfish and cruel, so I feel like this was a good conversation for them to have at this juncture.

Same, always.

Later or maybe concurrently, Emily and her mom are talking about the Dinner ‘O Drama. Mrs. Fields tells Emily that she suspects that a) Emily and Ali are “more than friends” and b) Ali’s kidnapped story is a lie, so Emily’s mom is batting a thousand on this one. Emily says that she’s figuring things out with Alison.

Heyyyy, I haven’t awkwardly brought up your sexuality in a few scenes, mind if I sit down?

Mrs. Fields: “You may have saved Alison once, but you don’t have to keep saving her.”

AND SCENE.

Then we transform into shooting stars and whirl across the galaxy back to the Brew, where Sydney is bringing Hanna a coffee to go and offering to drive her home. Hanna is like “yes I MEAN NO” because Caleb walks in and buys three brownies for some reason? So Sydney leaves and Caleb sits down and blah blah blah Hanna and Caleb make out. The brownie situation is not addressed.

Are you gonna eat those all by yourself, or?

Meanwhile, Spencer is lounging in her room, experiencing the wonders of what’s essentially a remote stakeout via the magic of Ezra’s spycam positioned apparently on her window? You guys, I have some questions about this show, but my biggest question right now is “why did Spencer need a spycam to look out her own window?” Anway. She sighs a lot to indicate that she’s bored, but then, like a bolt of tortured blonde lightning, who should appear on the camera but ALISON HERSELF! WHAT DOES IT MEAN?!

Sigh, I love it when NSFW Sunday goes up early.

Emily calls Paige and leaves a really nice voicemail about the rat situation!

And how discrete is your shipping? Ok, perfect.

And then she ends with “I love- I’d love to hear from you,” which was brutal, but before she can gay process her gay feelings, she gets an SOS text from Spencer, which means the liars have to congregate in real life because apparently no one has introduced them to Google Hangouts! Listen, if the Orphan Black clones felt safe using a group Skype call, I feel like the liars would be a-ok.

Aria is on her way out the door when Ezra shows up exclusively to tell her that Lamb set up a meeting with him and never showed. We DeLorean ahead in time to when Spencer is showing Aria and Emily the footage of Ali cutting through her yard. Emily points out that Ali is wearing a different outfit from the one she had on at dinner, and then everyone talks shit on Hanna for drinking at dinner.

But why be supportive-concerned when you can be the mean-concerned?

Hanna swings in on a vine George of the Jungle-style right as the other three receive a text from A saying “New York, New York, it’s a hell of a town. Ali’s keeping secrets, maybe that’s because of Hanna’s big mouth,” which doesn’t make the most sense, but there you have it.

Hanna, why did you drunk-text us “Sparia rulez”?

Somewhere presumably on Earth, A steams open an engagement invitation addressed to Emily’s mom, so now we’ve been reminded that Aria’s mom is getting married and A is going to do ENGAGEMENT HIJINKS!

Jinkies.

And that’s the end of that episode! Everyone take a break, get up and move around, maybe run to the bathroom, make some more popcorn and gird your loins as we move forward into Part III of our Pretty Little Liars marathon!

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