Later, Aria sits in the stairwell assessing the fallout and impersonating Sandy in basically every scene of Grease prior to the finale. She fields sexual harassment texts from guys in school asking her if she wants to have a sleepover and asking if they’re not old enough for her. I don’t know why the kids in her school are just catching on to her and Fitz, but I hope kids watching this show are able to see the damage that slut-shaming, sexual harassment and bullying does.
Fitz comes down the stairwell and asks if Aria is okay. Fitz is all like, “Yo, those are just rumors! Don’t let rumors get to you!” To which Aria responds, “Um those aren’t rumors we used to bone all the time.” I thought this would be some moment where the two have yet another stolen stairwell kiss, but instead Aria basically tells Fitz to get the fuck away from her. This actually seems like a healthy reaction to me. Then again I’ve eaten zucchini muffins for the last three meals in a row so maybe I’m the wrong person to ask about health right now.
After school, Spencer and her cro-magnon boyfriend drive to find The Old House Mother. Spencer is clearly still pissed at TobAy. Honestly two people with such strong jawlines probably shouldn’t be together anyways. The pair drive past a cemetery and suddenly the coloring in the scene oddly changes and suddenly we’re in film noir.
Wait but actually. There are even some classic cars. Where are we exactly? For a minute I couldn’t figure it out. The sudden tone change. The weird sense that something supernatural was going on. And then, just seconds before they showed the town sign, I realized where we were.
We’re in Ravenswood.
In case you don’t know, Ravenswood is a new ABC Family Pretty Little Liars spin-off about a town by the same name. Caleb is going to move there in order to investigate some long-running curse upon the town. After a brief stint downtown, the two get back in the car and drive away. It’s all just feels like obnoxious moment of self promotion.
Back in full color, Emily stalks the hallowed halls of Rosewood High in a shirt promoting “Wild Kisses.” I’ll believe it when I see it.
She confronts Mona about her recent style change and weird inconsistent lip gloss choices. Mona claims to not know a thing about any of that stuff– or anything about the new A.
We fade back into grey where Spencer and TobAy pull up to the The Old House Mother’s mansion. They ask the gardener outside where she is. He claims to be the only one home and says he “only deals with the master of the house.” Apparently Ravenswood is located 25 miles outside Rosewood and just south of the 1970s.
Motivated by sheer discomfort, Spencer and TobAy hop back in their car (brought to you by Toyota) and continue their journey. Just as they leave the gardener makes a phone call. Probably to ask the homeowner where all the roses disappeared to between shots.
The two swing back into downtown Ravenswood and, by pure luck, Spencer noticed the Old House Mother getting her hair done. Spencer barges in and, without making any sort of plan whatsoever, basically just spills everything about Alison/Vivian. The Old House Mother claims to not know anything.
This is a pattern on PLL.
1. Spend days tracking down the Most Important Person
2. Drive hours to reach that person
3. Ask that person about Ali
4. That person says they don’t know anything
Several miles and a few decades forward in Rosewood, Aria pulls the Lizz Special: crying in bed for hours. Just kidding, the Lizz Special is crying on the couch while watching reruns of ABC Family TV shows and eating Cool Ranch Doritos and carrots dipped in Annie’s goddess salad dressing. Obviously.
Mike walks in and sits on Aria’s bed. He apologizes for being a slut-shaming jerk, which Aria really appreciates since basically all of her self-worth is externally motivated by the men in her life. He says he’s going to make things right. On Pretty Little Liars that means he’s going to video tape Connor the Contemptible having sex with a goat and the blackmail him with it for social gain.
Starsweep to the Marin residence where Hanna has just come in from a short walk. Don’t worry, she didn’t manage to stir up any more trouble while she was out. She and her dad have a rousing round of Metaphors About Drying Up Ponds.
Then Hanna blames herself. Then she says she didn’t think her dad wanted her. It’s an emotional roller coaster. But like, the small roller coaster you go on with your little cousin when she’s scared of the big ones.
Back in grayscale, TobAy and Spencer exit the salon in dismay. TobAy walks across the street to get an egg bacon and cheese on a croissant, leaving Spencer outside the salon to ponder the questionable nature of eating meat and also her questionable choice in a boyfriend.
Just after he walks away music begins playing throughout the town square. As the music blares the citizens of the town, along with a surprising number of fall leaves, all trek in the same direction.
Spencer follows them until they finally land at the cemetery. The whole town stares in silence at this one grave.
Does Spencer ask anyone why? Nope. What she does do is spot Shana!
Instead of confronting Shana and asking her what the hell is going on and who let her dress so brightly in a town full of people in grey, Spencer runs away. She goes to get TobAy and chase after Shana in their car. Well, they try to chase after Shana but then a raven crash landed into their windshield.
I would say that seems impossible except one time my friends while driving down one of those winding Massachusetts state highways in the middle of the summer with the music blaring and all of a sudden a bird flew right into their windshield and died, covering the whole thing in blood in the process. They ran the windshield wipers until the blood was clear. True Story.
Starsweep to the Life Cafe where Emily is begrudgingly hosting the Open Mic Night. It’s pretty gay.
Emily really doesn’t want to be at the Life Cafe working right now. Looks like she hates amateur performances, which is disappointing because it means she definitely won’t be impressed by my shitty gay rendition of “Teardrops On My Guitar.” Emily and Aria would actually both rather be anywhere else since Connor the Contemptible is also working. We hate him.
Spencer shows up at the Life Cafe and Emily and Aria have forgiven her enough to let her say what she saw in Ravenswood but not enough to stop making constipated faces at her.
Just then, Badass Lezzie Detective also shows up. Is she there to perform a spoken word piece about the oppressive nature of the patriarchy within law enforcement? Nope! She’s there to bring Emily down to the police station for questioning.
BLD gets Emily alone in a room. Spoiler alert: it’s not sexy. She shows Emily the DVD left for her. It’s not the DVD of the first season of the L Word like we thought, or even the video of Jenna and Shana helping Wilden up. It’s a video of someone wearing an Emily mask holding up a sign that says guilty. Yup, A pulled yet another big switch-a-roo. Someone is fingering Emily. For murder I mean.
BLD tells Emily that the handwriting even matches a birthday card from her mother. BLD thinks that means Emily is fingering… herself? Okay, now it’s an interrogation. I don’t know when Emily’s birthday is, but I’m pretty sure she’s still a minor. Even if she’s 18, Emily should definitely have a lawyer there. BLD doesn’t know what’s afoot, but she does know that Emily’s shiny hair isn’t enough to get her out of this one. Either way, she gets a mysterious phone call and leaves the room for a moment.
Meanwhile, at the Open Mic Night, someone very special takes the stage. It’s Shana and her lesbian fiddle! Is there anything gayer than a girl with a fiddle at an open mic? Nothing. Not even girlsex itself. Aria and Spencer stare as Shana plays.
Trying to be as creepy as possible, Ezra peers through the window of the Life Cafe. Shana fiddles on.
We scan back to Emily at the police station. BLD paces in the next room taking an oh-so-serious phone call. Meanwhile, Emily looks deeply into the eyes of the masked version of herself. Shana fiddles on.
Meanwhile outside, unseen by the Liars, someone wearing a Sharks hoodie smashes the shit out of a car. Who’s car? Duh, it’s Connor the Contemptible’s! There is a 500% chance that this was Mike. Shana fiddles on.
It’s a bit overblown. We get it, shit is serious. Music is menacing. Shana is creepy. I will say though, the menacing musician feels like a rehash of Jenna circa Season 1. Actually a lot of this just feels like more of the same. A tampering with evidence the Liars turned into the police. Some guy is pissed because he wants Aria but knows about Fitz. Mike is violent/destructive/runs around in hoodies. We’ve seen this all before. Unless this is a big metaphor that I’m missing, I hope that PLL gives us something new soon.
So what does this all lead to when the music cuts? Ashley Marin being arrested.
In the final scene A breaks into and hotwires a car, all while wearing an… Emily mask? Or is that a Mike mask? I’m really bad with these masks. Okay I’m pretty sure it’s Emily but they got the eyebrows totally wrong. Which is a shame because a good Emily Fields mask could probably sell for mad money at Babeland.
Well, that’s a wrap. Unless you count Ashley’s claims that she didn’t bring Wilden’s gun into the house, we didn’t learn much of anything this episode. Except that Shana fingers a mean G string. Tune in next week where hopefully Paige will return. And if she doesn’t? Well I’m pretty sure someone drives a car through a wall.
