Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, a one hour Netflix original show about lesbians trying to survive and get their lady grind on while in prison. Actually, that really will be what this show is about if Hanna doesn’t get her shit together. All four Liars behind bars trying to get by in prison. I would so watch that show.
We open on Rosewood where Badass Lezzie Detective is interviewing Hanna about the whole carrying a concealed weapon without a license and trying to bury it in the ground thing. Yeah. That whole little thing.
So what do you think about the hitachi magic wang? I think it’s a real crotch rocket.
Hanna’s not squaking though.
Because you weren’t carrying any condoms.
Oddly, no one explains how or why the police tracked Hanna to the woods on a random college campus. Hanna’s folks finally show up and announce, much to the surprise of basically no on in the audience, that the police have taken the gun for testing to see if it’s related to Wilden’s murder. It will be. Cue the dramatic music and cut to the intro.
Wild’n Out is still on TV? Who told Nick Cannon he was still famous?
Ever since that dead pig in the trunk I’ve been pretty unimpressed with the dramatic moments before the credits. I think they should do a cold open with Emily and Paige scissoring and have Samara walk in right before the big finish. Now that would be gasp worthy.
That afternoon, Emily and Hanna chat on the phone about what deep shit Hanna is in. Emily thinks Hanna should tell her mom about A. Hanna thinks Emily should tell her mom about her extensive vintage vibrators collection she has stuffed under her bed. No one is telling their moms anything.
This is worse than that time I farted during sex.
Just then, Shana walks into Emily’s locker room for her weekly meeting of the Pennsylvania Junior Lesbian Swim Champions Alliance. Oddly she’s wearing a Rosewood High track jacket. Looks like she transferred mid-year to swim for a better team. You know, to replace Emily. Also she forgot to bring snacks for the meeting and it was specifically her week to bring snacks!
I’m here for the swimming dykes! Let me show them how to breast stroke!
Hanna hangs up the phone on her end and, after a few minutes of gently reorganizing her perfume collection, her father walks in. Tom wants to know why Hanna stole his gun and brought it to a sorority party. I want to know if Tom understands that this is what happens when you keeps guns in your house. Hanna fesses up to finding it in her mom’s things. Everyone thinks Ashley is guilty.
I must! I must! I must increase my bust!
At the Life Cafe, Spencer and Aria look longingly into each other’s eyes and plan out their future girl band named The Brunettes. They also toy with the names The Wavy Haired Duo and Lip Gloss Poppin’ Mamas. It’s a work in progress.
Just so we’re clear, I only want The Brunettes to play Stevie Nicks covers.
Aria tells Spencer that she and Emily need to be team players and get over their fight. I agree.
Med students at trivia night
Also the coffee is bad.
Oh Spencer warn me when you store your sperm samples in coffee mugs.
Emily shows up and as part of her new commitment to playing the raging dyke character, is in a bad mood. She’s sort of mad about Hanna’s arrest and Shana’s reappearance in Rosewood. Mostly she’s mad about the terrible disgusting no good coffee. Why? Because she has to train the new guy at the cafe on how to make a decent latte. A guy. A man guy male. Ew boys.
You think you have it bad? I have a hot girlfriend I haven’t kissed in two episodes.
Also Emily is super stressed out because she has to plan the Life Cafe’s Open Mic Night aka Lesbian Speed Dating.
IDGAF.
Since Emily hates the patriarchy she sends resident Man Charmer Aria over to teach the new boy how to properly get foamy IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. He’s “Mike’s Friend Connor” and when he isn’t playing lacrosse or making terrible espresso drinks, he’s trying to pass English. Which he needs help with. From Aria the Man Charmer Writer Extraordinaire. He wants to get all up in Aria’s brain with a little tutoring session.
It just occurred to me that Mike is supposed to be two years younger than Aria. So this guy is like 15 or 16. Which makes him 10 years younger than me. 10! That feels like a lot for a character who is trying to scam a date with Aria.
This is what it will look like when we finally overthrow the patriarchy and start a lesbian colony on mars.
Meanwhile, Emily and Spencer make up and sneak off to the rear of the shop to have bathroom sex.
As though you needed any other proof that Spencer’s a top.
Back over at Hanna’s, the three Marins try to sort out what’s what. They’re all just sort of sitting around the house waiting. It feels like when someone has just died and you don’t know what to do but sit and wait for the funeral.
Just look at what this has done to your daughter! She’s two weeks behind on True Blood and hasn’t washed her hair in days!
Here’s what the different family members are saying:
+Tom: My gun went missing after we spoke
+Hanna: I found dad’s gun in your closet while looking for your shoes
+Ashley: I threw my shoes out but I never brought a gun into the house or killed Wilden
Gosh they’re stories are so inconsistent! If only there was something that could explain this. Some person running around Rosewood framing people. Someone who sends threatening text messages maybe. Duh. It’s A.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Speaking of A, our favorite little lesbo sociopath Mona is finally back on the scene!
I’m back bitches, and I just got my hair done.
She rolls up to the Life Cafe, much to the displeasure of the Liars. They’re probably just pissed because she’s wearing her hair straight and they’re all wearing it wavy.
I don’t know what they want from me it’s like the more mona we come across the more problems we see
Mona spills the beans about TobAy taking her MonA-Mobile. Spencer’s got no defense. Doesn’t Spencer know the old saying? Liars before Desires.
Three brunettes, six boobs, no smiles.
Aria and Emily storm out and head over to Emily’s house in a rage.
…cup
Just then, Hanna calls Emily from the most adorable pink room phone I’ve ever seen. She gives orders that none of the Liars are to squeal about A under threat towards both of her parents.
Baby-Sitters Club, Stacey McGill speaking.
As she hangs up, she overhears Ashley and Tom fighting. Ashley tells Tom that she asked for money because she was trying to pay Wilden to leave town. She did take his gun, but only for protection. Ashely confronted Wilden but he took the gun from her and she ran away.
Honestly, maybe prison won’t be so bad. I’ve been watching this great series called Orange is the New Black. It looks like there’s plenty of places to go have girlsex. I think it’s a documentary.
Just then there’s a knock at the door. Who’s at the door?
It’s Caleb!
That’s right, our third favorite lesbian has finally returned from A-Camp where he spent his days meeting queer women and having all the mountain feelings. His first point of business was, of course, to check in on his codependent potentially criminal girlfriend. Awww. Unfortunately Tom won’t let Caleb into the house. He doesn’t want any competition for the role of 40-something year old man of the house.
Listen son, I don’t know what nation you appropriated that jacket pattern from but we’re not having any of that nonsense in this house.
Did someone say boyfriend? Spencer has hers over for a shitfight about stealing the MonA-Mobile. He’s all blah blah blah my mom, blah blah blah I’ll never know what happened.
Are you seriously taking away from Paily screen time right now?
I don’t care about the plight of cave men.
Over in a story line I care marginally more about, Aria and Mike’s Friend Connor go over his essay. You know it’s bad because he cites Wikipedia and Cliffsnotes. Aria mentions Faulkner so I hope he’s writing about The Sound and the Fury. You guys don’t know this about me, but I love The Sound and the Fury. It’s part of my sick misguided love of American literature written by dead white guys. I know. I’m the problem.
Oh I see it now. The problem here is that instead of analyzing The Odyssey you recapped the plot of Disney’s Hercules.
As the two work, Mike walks through the living room on his way out the door looking not a day over 25. Seriously I think he aged 10 years in the last 24 hours. Sadly he’s still slut-shaming Aria over dating Fitz, so he barely speaks to her as the door hits his ass on the way out.
Rosewood White Guy #483
Elsewhere Emily swings by Hanna’s house with her homework. Just kidding it’s only a scam to get inside pants– I mean bedroom– so they can process all the feels. We’re treated to a visual metaphor in the contrast between Emily’s shiny perfect hair and Hanna’s unwashed mop top. I think.
But I know you’d really rather being studying our Chemistry.
Emily actually just wants the footage of Ashley running over Wilden with her car, followed by Jenna and Shana helping him off the street. Emily claims she wants to submit it to the police to get Jenna and Shana named as new suspects. Just to help Hanna. I think we all know Emily is just scared of what will happen if Paige and Shana get too much bathing suit time together. We all know Paige can’t resist a girl in a Speedo.
And the dildo was this big!
Hanna is super not interested in handing over that disc drive. I mean, it basically makes her mom look guilty anyways. Plus nothing bad has happened with it yet, so it’s probably best to leave it where it is. But Emily knows how to get to Hanna and with a few winks and rubs in the right place she wins her over.
I am never performing analingus.
pweety pweety pwease?
Okay fine but we’re using a barrier.
Besides, now we get tot see how smart Hanna’s disc drive hiding spot is!
A new makeup line: Sneak by Sephora
Back over in Faulknerland, Mike’s Friend Connor finally packed up his stuff to leave. He suggests they do it again over a cheeseburger. You know, some essay editing followed by a date. Aria’s a bit oblivious though, and she’s not picking up what Mike’s Friend Connor is laying down. Actually, Mike’s Friend Connor goes for the tongue kissing right there and then!
This is so awkward.
Aria is disgusted and shocked. Mike’s Friend Connor probably should have asked for Aria’s consent in the first place and this whole mess could have been avoided. It’s the beauty of consent. Consent means never having to kiss someone who doesn’t want to be kissed, and isn’t that what life is all about?
I prefer Spencer’s soft lady kisses.
The next morning we start off in the police office. Emily sneaks around pretending to hang signs for the Open Mic Night, but actually she is just dropping off the DVD of the Wilden car crash situation.
Featuring WIlden’s 1970’s gay porn career. Mustaches included.
I hope A swaps it for the first disc of Season 1 of the L Word. I’m sure Badass Lezzie Detective will love that.
I do love that Bette Porter character
Emily works her way back to school where she and Caleb have some hawt dyke tension.
But I was totally grossed out because, ew boys.
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That side trip to Ravenswood just about gave me viewer whiplash.
I basically live for these recaps.
Liz, I love you, but the spelling errors…errrrggghhh
Shana was NOT fiddling. She was playing the violin. There is a distinct difference because of the type of music she was playing. (It’s a pet peeve of mine when people depict violinists with terrible/inaccurate posture or movements, but I digress.)
Rosewood seems to be populated with annoying white brunets. It’s getting a little old. I don’t even want to see new male faces, but can’t they at least have some diversity? I’ll take a blond at this point for a change of scenery.
Also, umm, I don’t agree that Mike calling Aria out on having illegal sex with her teacher is the same thing as slut-shaming. She can date whomever she wants CONSIDERING IT’S LEGALLY CONSENSUAL. I’m still on Team Mike for that.
Arbitrary age limits on sexuality are repressive and I don’t think that they are the end all be all say on what is sexually appropriate, nor on what is consensual. It is beyond me to see how a system rooted in the puritanical, patriarchal values of protecting society from sex and desire can be right in determining that, at exactly 18, a magical switch preparing people to deal maturely with sex just happens to flick on, and then for that designation to be considered to be correct and moral. I can’t get behind it, somehow. I think it falls in the same realm as slut shaming.
I’m not talking about the fact that Aria’s underage (although that has its own baggage of issues), but rather the fact that Ezra was in a position of power for the majority of their relationship. There’s a reason why many post-secondary institutions have strict policies against teacher-student relationships, and that’s in an environment where everyone is (presumably) a legal adult.
Ali seems to have been sexually involved with a lot of people who were older than her, so to focus on that and to call her a slut is slut-shaming; pointing out the inability to legally consent to sex with someone in an authoritative position over you is completely different.
I agree on your power imbalance argument, Paperflowers. But the problem in this scenario is the following: Mike doesn’t call out Ezra or shames him for taking advantage of a minor and his student. He solely focuses on Aria, the person who was lacking the power in this relationship. So his behavior is, in fact, nothing but good old fashioned slut shaming.
I think if Mike had a more accessible relationship with Ezra, it would make more sense for him to directly approach Ezra but that’s not realistic given the characters.
But I agree – it would be better if the show focused more on calling out Ezra for making horrible decisions as an adult rather than dumping everything on Aria; this hasn’t really happened yet because Aria is a main character, and Ezra solely exists as an extension of Aria’s storyline, so beyond her parents intervening, there aren’t other routes for that to occur.
Me too vis a vis the inaccurate posture and movement. Judging from what we’ve seen here, Shana’s fingering skills are elementary at best. Disappointing.
Brunettes, not brunets. :)
I am really freaked out by how much that mask looks like Emily? which is odd because I can’t recognize the Alison or Melissa masks at all
Oh Lizz, these recaps just make my week! Thank you so much. I know I have before but I think showing appreciation is important.
I loved Ravenswood! One of my favorite things about PLL and how I always describe it to people who haven’t seen it is that it feels like Halloween year round. And since Halloween is one of my most favorite times of year it’s no wonder I love this show. Ravenswood feels like that dialed up to 11 though. It’s great.
“I prefer Spencer’s soft lady kisses.”
Don’t we all?
Honestly I had to stop watching the show after the 1st season the lack of answers drove me crazy. I never miss one of these wrap ups though. You should write an episode.
You did better than me! I think I made it to episode 10 before giving up.
I don’t want Emily to start a trend of hooking up with every lesbian who floats through town, but Shawnna is gorgeous. Emily should stay away. Far away. Because that road is tempting.
In other news Hannah has been making bad decisions. Like traveling with a gun? Who does that? She had so many other options concerning that weapon…
Mike got better looking. He’s doing that thing Elena’s younger brother did on Vampire Diaries. Where they get more attractive seemingly out of no where.