Welcome back to Pretty Little Liars, a one hour reality dating show where 20 teenage lesbian swimmers must compete for the heart of one super hot lesbian swimmer. Aided only by her shiny-haired friends, this hot lez must decide if contestants get to do the breast stroke or if they’re totally sunk.

This weeks episode involved plenty of dyke drama but no Paige! It was like the old days where the only lesbian story lines we had were Emily feeling uncomfortable around her parents or Maya getting shipped off to reform school camp. Back before we had daily lesbian kisses. A friendly reminder that, yes, gay issues still affect you even if you’re mouth isn’t currently attached to another girl’s mouth.

We open on Hanna doing her best impersonation of the opening from Skins.

Well she’s no Naomi but maybe she’ll make out with an Emily

She wakes up to the sound of sirens and immediately thinks her mother has been arrested. She runs downstairs and Ashley is asleep outside. Then Ashley pops up like a jack in the box in an orange jumpsuit and shaven head!I shit you not I screamed. I had to pause the episode to get up and make popcorn just to clear my head. It was that scary.  It was also all a dream!

Like seriously how am I supposed to recover from this?

Over at the Hastings residence, Spencer skips down the stairs wearing her costume leftover from her brief stint as Teen Mary Poppins on Broadway. The mistress of the house is all about solving Spencer’s little college admissions problem. She’s worried about the time Spencer spent in Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane. Spencer is unimpressed with her mother’s assessment of her having a “problem.” Mistress Hastings hired a private admission counselor to rewrite all her essays and help her weasel her way in somewhere. This sounds like rich people shit.

Although I would like to sit on your face

Shouldn’t Mistress Hastings and Spencer be a whole lot more worried about how the Liars got arrested last year for that incident with the shovels? I feel like having an arrest record is a bigger problem than a brief stay in a psychiatric hospital.

Check out the face I’m practicing for when the Red Wizard takeover happens and we have to fake like we’re possessed.

Starsweep over to Emily’s where that big ol’ lezzie has me officially concerned that if she wears that denim vest one more time it’s going to start growing little tiny Emily clones from all the built up dead skin cells. Actually, Emily is already up and at her computer watching the gay porn. Just kidding, it’s lesbian porn aka Stanford University’s Diversity Statement. Emily’s dad walks in just as she’s getting to the really juicy stuff (the part about the LGBT Community Resource Center) and they talk a bit about the whole town thinking they’re big child abusers.

Don’t worry honey. It’s just some light reading about how Stanford embraces a broad range of socioeconomic, religious, cultural and educational backgrounds. it’s totally normal at this age! Nothing to be embarrassed about.

Papa Fields tries to cheer Emily up about the Dept. Family Services and her busted shoulder by saying this will all blow over soon.  Emily is still super sad she can’t move to the Gay Area with Paige, go to Stanford and have big gay sex all over the golden gate bridge. She figures even if she could afford it she wouldn’t get in because she’s, like, totally average.

Emily: Without swimming I’m average.
Papa Fields:: There is nothing average about you.
Emily: You haven’t seen me in bed. Paige usually only orgasms twice and I’m terrible with rope.

The Emily’s dad says he’s going to do whatever he can to get her into Stanford. In Rosewood that usually means shooting someone in the face.

You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. And that’s what it’s all about!

Time jump to school where class is just ending and the students are getting pumped for a big college visit weekend. I don’t recall college visits being something everyone in my high school did all at once, but I also don’t remember there being this many swim team high school lesbians, so maybe times have changed. Teacher Ella is reminding the class that they should use their upcoming college visits to audit classes and suck up to professors. Not to learn to play beer pong, which was of course what every prefrosh does on ever single college visit ever.

And remember class, we’ll be reading The Catcher in the Rye for the third time in a row this week so if you’d prefer you can just shoot yourself in the face now.

After class, the Liars huddle up to listen to Hanna bitch and moan some more about thinking her mom killed Wilden. Speaking of moaning, where’s Mona? I miss that little lez.

Hanna you don’t need to cover up a boner. No one can see it when you get turned on.

The Liars plan out their Super College Weekend Situation while simultaneously talking about the Mocking Jay. Will these story lines intertwine? You betcha! The liars pour over a Super College Weekend Situation booklet which has tons of colleges in it. They quickly discover the area code and prefix of the Mockingjay number are the same as some college in York County. What college are they going to in York County? I don’t know, let’s just assume it’s Krupinski Driving School because that’s certainly in York County.

More importantly, they actually flashed some of the college addresses written in the booklet, and let me tell you guys it was a big fucking deal for me. I’m from Amherst and I go to Brown Med and I almost pissed myself when I saw Amherst College and Brown on this page. It was too exciting. But they did the weirdest things to the phone numbers and addresses. Like 413 and 401 really are the area codes! FYI people in Amherst are really into being “from the 413.” A lot of people get 413 tattoos. It’s a whole thing. But then they did weird things here with the zip codes like changing Amherst’s 01002 or 02001 and changing Brown’s from 02912 to 02312. Most importantly 100 N. University Drive in Amherst isn’t where Amherst College is. It is, however, the exact location of where I got my wisdom teeth removed. I don’t believe in destiny but I’m starting to wonder if I was just meant to recap this show.

This is so awkward, she won’t shut up about her weirdo towns.

Okay, back to things you guys actually care about.

Outside of school Aria catches up with Ella who is being a total brat. Like outrageously out of character brat. Turns out she’s in a bad mood because she’s decided not to run off to the Vonn Trapp Lodge with her hottie Bakery Boy.

Doing Kegels.

Aria is appalled and demands to know why her mother can’t go on a year long sex romp abroad. She and Ella get in the car where Ella explains that ghost brother Mike, who hasn’t had a moment of screen time in thirty episodes, doesn’t want his mommy to run away. Who’s going to do his laundry or cook him dinner or uphold other pillars of the traditional expectations put on women. What, you expect him to just do the dishes himself?! With his hands? Unacceptable.

Mike feels, and I agree with him, that he still needs me to wipe his ass once per day.

Aria thinks her mom should still go. Remember, she wants to get Ella away from A. Ella’s not buying it, plus she thinks Byron will do a shit job if he’s the only parent around. To prove a point she kills a bee. Nobody kills bees like moms kill bees. Aria tells her mom to think on it and storms out of the car in a huff.

But if you stay home how will I secretly use the dishwasher to disinfect my dildo?

Just then, Aria gets a text from A and, quite rapidly, Ella’s car gets filled with bees. I’d almost forgotten that sometimes A makes terrible genuine attacks on the Liars and their family’s lives. It’s not all “eat fifteen cupcakes in public” and “dance with a boy you don’t like.”

That was the year Ella stopped teaching The Great Gats-bee

We cut to a commercial and when we come back Aria is pacing her room on the phone relaying the story of the bees to Emily. Ella is okay, thankfully, but Aria is in deep peril of being arrested. By the fashion police. Yup, it’s only now that I notice that Aria skirt is made of old neckties. It’s bad. One time when I was playing Beggar Girl #3 in a summer camp production of Fiddler on the Roof I wore a long sleeve shirt as a skirt with the arms tied like a sash. I thought it looked okay until I saw pictures later and then I was totally mortified. I think this is going to be one of those situations for Aria. Except I was seven.

What are you wearing?… Oh cool. I was going to just wear this skirt I made from every tie Ezra ever wore while we kissed.

We phone jump over to the Life Cafe where Emily offers another latte to Spencer’s private college admissions counselor. I’m unsure what to call this guy. I think he looks like the Hollis College campus chairman of the Young Republicans. Other suggestions from the team included “president of the Junior Yacht Club,” “Paul Ryan… if anyone remembers who he is” and “fuck it.” That last one was Riese. In retrospect she may have been talking about something else. I’m going to keep it simple and call him Skipper.

You also might want to throw an air freshener in the bathroom because I just got dropped the kids off at college…

If you know what I mean

Emily: At the risk of sounding rude, what is it that you actually do?
Skipper: I help applicants put their best foot forward and try to get them facetime with people who can champion for them. But honestly most of my work is emotional. People get crazed through this process, they need someone to help them over the hot coals.
Emily: I was referring to straight sex.
Skipper: So was I.

Emily laments the loss of her shoulder and potential swim scholarships. Skipper is not so worried.

Like as a straight girl who wants to sleep with me

He even offers to go through some of the material with Emily free of charge. Probably because he immediately starts flirting with Emily. I swear if Emily leaves Paige for this douche I will stop watching the show. That’s not a dramatic “I’m going to move to Canada” statement, that’s a fact.

And these are photographs of my vintage sailboat collection. I call this one right here Peewee.

Over in adultland, Mistress Hastings comes over to Ashley’s house for a legal meeting. Innocent people just don’t behave like this. Obviously Ashley wants to talk about The Night Wilden Died. Mistress Hastings doesn’t even ask Ashley whether or not she’s guilty. She’s just like, “Bitches gotta stay together. I’m on this shit.”

It would probably be a good idea to stop committing crimes though. Just a small piece of legal advice.

I know that the Hastings family has a fucked up way of showing it, but I’m starting to think they genuinely are trying to look out for each other. Like when Mr. Hastings thought Melissa killed Alison so he kept burning evidence. Or whatever the hell Melissa has been doing for the last three seasons.

Not since I saw Inception

Back at the Life Cafe, Skipper suggests Emily apply to schools with Polynesian Studies majors and even though Emily is interested in Biology. He suggests she fake it to get into better school. He’s a douchenozzle. I’m not really sure if that’s what colleges are looking for, but Emily is as skeeved out as I am.

Spencer finally shows up and sits down with the duo. Skipper is all set to take Spencer to visit Brown University for the weekend. Brown University aka the greatest institution of all time aka the only place in the country you might actually get to kiss Emma Watson aka feminist lesbian central aka the school I go to right now. But Spencer wants to go visit Krupinski Driving School in York County. You know, as a safety. Not to scope out the college. This is the stupidest idea ever.

He doesn’t know what I’m doing to you with my fingers under the table…

Can someone, anyone, please tell me why Spencer couldn’t have visited Brown University, home of the Annmary Brown Library which is actually a renovated tomb, and snooped around Krupinski whenever she had some free detective time?

Emily thinks she should also check it out, but she sounds marginally more enthusiastic. Skipper changes his plans and sets up meetings for Spencer with the heads of all of the best Krupinski departments. Her meeting with the head of the Braking Department is at 9am, followed by meetings with the heads of the Accelerating Department and the Honking Departments at 11:30 and 12 respectively.

Matching vibrators

At home, Aria actually runs into Mike! I wasn’t joking when I said he hadn’t been around in thirty episodes. That’s an exact number! The boy didn’t make a single appearance in season 3! I’m shocked they were even able to get this actor back on cast.

Aria wants to talk about why Mike won’t let their mother go on her orgy-fest vacation, but Mike is super distracted just killing it at Candy Crunch.

I gotta beat this level or I have to wait 20 minutes to play again!

I really thought this was going to be one of those things where Aria asks Mike why he said Ella couldn’t go and Mike was going to be like “What? I said do whatever she wanted.” But nope, actually Mike really loves his mom and wants her around. It’s pretty cute.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to please find me a change of clothes so I don’t have to run around like this anymore.

Plus Mike thinks Aria only wants her mom gone so she could start sleeping with Fitz again which is, while slut shaming and not actually true, probably kind of conceptually true. All the Liars sort of want their parents out of the picture so they can continue to do whatever they want all the time.

Also Aria pushed Mike and I didn’t like it.

I resend your invitation into my home!

Starsweep the Marin household where Ashley is unimpressed that Hanna isn’t going on college visits like the rest of the student body this weekend. Hanna insists she’s going to The Art Institute, which could mean FIT in New York or it could mean some yet unknown fashion school just outside Rosewood. I sort of hope the Liars all end up in New York City and we can go kinda Glee on the situation. And then Emily can finally join that lesbian colony in Tribeca with Santana.

Hold on I think my hand just slipped through the portal that lesbian swimmers keep coming out of

We interrupt this fantasy with a telephone call from Mistress Hastings. Ashley takes the call in the next room for a little privacy. Hanna picks up the other receiver and listens in.

From Hanna’s The Matrix audition reel. She didn’t make the cut.

No details, but things are looking grim in the police case against Ashley. Things are also looking grim for Hanna’s manners. Eavesdropping on other people’s phone calls is so rude! She could use a trip to Miss Piggle Wiggle’s farm.

Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle and the The Big-Fat-Liar Cure

Four commercials for The Fosters and three commercials for auto insurance later, Hanna is on a new phone call with Aria. Hanna wants to know if Aria thinks Byron would cover for Ella if Ella were… I don’t know… being investigated by the police. You know theoretically. Hypothetically. Not that that’s going on with her parents. Just for example. Just for a thought.

Can you please please please just give me the extra large pizza with everything on it? This is a crisis!

Aria’s a little confused as to why she’s receiving this phone call and not Caleb.

Just got born

Unfortunately because it’s last fall in Rosewood Caleb is actually at A-Camp up in the mountains with no cell service. Don’t worry she’s not jealous. Hanna and Caleb have an understanding that what happens at A-Camp stays at A-Camp.

Hanna’s panic isn’t just over the phone call, her mom’s muddy shoes are missing too! And her closet door is locked! What could be hiding inside that closet? Hopefully it’s Spencer.

Hello? Ellen Page? Are you in there?

Lesbiansweep to Emily’s where she’s packing for her college visit to Krupinski. Emily’s dad offers her some cash for the weekend. It looks like a couple hundred bucks actually. This is the part where I act indignant and pretend that these parents give their kids too much money, but actually I’m 25 and my mom still gives me gas money when I come home. So. Emily on the other hand is genuinely shocked by the money. I have no idea what this scene is about but you know that it’s coming back later. Nothing on PLL happens by accident.

I’m glad you like the blazer. I bought it because autostraddle.com told me to!

Over at Aria’s place, Byron is sitting in a newly discovered desk in the living room composing the next great American novel. Or maybe filing taxes. Aria asks Byron to convince Ella to go to off on her nudist colony retreat.

Hey dad I need $900, a pair of latex gloves, three bottles of Liquid Silk and a cat. Don’t as why.

Aria tells Byron that Ella is only staying because she thinks she has to and doesn’t realize what she’s giving up.

Yes, but only so that she can have a whirlwind vaycay of sex and drugs and… okay now that I’m saying it out loud I see your point.

She reminds Byron that Ella still cares what he thinks about her and it’s important that he help her on this. She’s all teary and stuff. Now I can’t remember if she’s being genuine or lying or projecting or whatever.

Just a quick bump.

Can I be honest with you guys? I feel like I can because we’re such close friends now. I’m sort of bored of the grown-up story lines in this episode/series of episodes. I don’t really care what happens to Ella or Ashley for that matter. I only care about when Paige and Emily are going to steal away for the next kiss or if Aria is going to replace Ezra with an even older even dweebier boyfriend.

Fortunately the next scene is all Spencer and Emily at Krupinski. Emily continues to chat up Skipper and asks him about “sorority scholarships.” Is that a real thing? He asks her out to dinner to “look over some scholarships.” She says yes. I am creeped out.

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Spencer tells Emily to cool it with the flirting because no one in the whole wide wide world would ever want to go to Krupinski anyways. Spencer is being a snob. Emily is uncomfortable. Luckily, Spencer redeems herself by wearing the cutest bandana ever.

Pages: 1 2See entire article on one page

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!