Elsewhere, Spencer pores over the report surrounding Wilden’s death. As you might expect he was killed between 10pm and midnight in once place and found somewhere else. The Rosewood Special. TobAy tries to be cute for those of us who still aren’t convinced he’s not evil.
While Spencer is distracted, TobAy receives a text from A.
At school, Emily’s hair is shiny and perfect and Aria is still mourning the loss of Fitz. She wonders if it’s true that it takes a year to get over someone. I’ve never heard that. I’ve always played by a week for every month for relationships under a year and 2 weeks for every month for relationships over a year. Either way it definitely takes more than three days. Alternatively you could just figure out how to get over someone quickly by reading this sweet wikihow I found!
Just then, the principal busts Aria googly-eyeing Ezra. BUSTED. Funny that no one saw them the hundreds of times they “stole kisses” in the school and suddenly staring is something to worry about.
Inside, Hanna walks into school wearing what can only politely be described as a high fashion sweatband. She confronts MonA, who’s apparently is starting a French army, about all the freaky nightmares she’s having.
Also this happened and it was weird/funny:
Either way, Hanna talks with MonA about how A is going to kick them in the heinie at any moment. All that talk about togetherness has MonA reading directly from Text Message Sent By My Ex.
The two make plans to go shopping so you know it’s on like Donkey Kong.
Seriously though, if MonA and Hanna aren’t actually being positioned to be the next girl-girl couple, then Hanna is playing MonA like a motherfucking violin.
Nearby, Aria gets called to the vice principals office. The best part is this extra who gives the performance of a lifetime as Student Who Makes Awkward Eye Contact With The Girl Who Just Got Called To The Principals’ Office.
The vice-principal makes Aria wait and wait outside to the ticking of a dramatic loud clock. In the office, the vice-principal busts out photos of Ezra and Aria having sex. FYI those are legally child porn and he shouldn’t even be able to have in his possession. Plus I’m pretty sure they were taken when Ezra wasn’t at Rosewood High. Either way, the vice principal is determined to accost Aria in the most inappropriate and slut shaming way possible.
Plus her parents aren’t present.
This is all particularly concerning since Aria isn’t the person who would get in trouble here. Fitz is. Which is probably why the vice-principal says he’s glad to know Fitz is in custody. Aria rushes out of the office and down the hall crying, just to confirm every rumor that could possibly be flying around the school. Obviously the vice-principal doesn’t care at all whatsoever about rumors or Aria’s reputation or how she might be treated in all this after he makes a big scene. Particularly because, again, Aria wasn’t sleeping with Ezra while he was her teacher.
Ezra walks down the hall with his hands in cuffs.
Then, after I wrote alllll that, it was all just a dream sequence! Come on!
The vice-principal actually just had some form for Aria to bring home for a sick Ella to sign. Seriously. Come the fuck on. How you gonna do me like that? Either way Aria responds to this dream-sequence by sending Ezra a text letting him know she’s going to see other people. Oh my god Aria you already broke up. You don’t need to let him know that too. This isn’t healthy.
Starsweep across town where Emily and Paige just finished having sex. Seriously. They both have after-sex hair and Emily shirt is all loose with her collarbones showing and Paige’s bra is sneaking out the side of her shirt. This, I assume, is a gift for all of us.
Oh also Paige is being offered a full ride swim scholarship at Stanford. That’s right, Paige is ready to move out of Rosewood and hit up the San Francisco Gay Area. And obviously she wants Emily to UHaul across the country with her! Never mind that Stanford is one of the best colleges in the country and both Paige and Emily have, at different times, been failing classes this year. That’s not important. What’s important is Paige and Emily at the Lexington Club!
Emily’s worried because she always thought she was going to go to made up Danby on her made up scholarship. But that’s not important either! What’s important is Paige and Emily at Good Vibrations!
Fuck practicality, What’s important is Paige and Emily teaching Handy Jobs at the next A-Camp!
Emily: Yes, I want to go with you. I really love you.
Paige: Come here. I love you too. Let’s scissor and then UHaul.
It’s the cutest most heartwarming scene of the entire series I think. Maybe of my entire life. I re-watched it another three times just so I could experience it again without pausing the TV to write jokes. I want to go back in time and jump dimensions and be them. I want to be eighteen and beautiful and athletic and plan to move across the country with my beautiful athletic girlfriend. I want to hatch us a sceme to get matching scholarships to Standford. I want us to make-out on our knees in the most immaculately decorated sun drenched bedroom of all time. I want to not care that we will probably break up after she nails the cute vegan from the floor above us and I find out about it via Jucycampus.com. I want theses things for me and I really really want them for Emily, I could kiss the writers for giving it to her.
Unfortunately, as we all know, there’s no way A will actually let Emily go through with any of these plans. But it’s nice to dream.
Eventually, though the night wears on and Paige goes to leave, which is silly because this is the part where you’re supposed to have your girlfriend sneakily sleep over. Duh.
Either way, Jenna is there to catch the show and harass Emily a bit. And by harass I mean hold hands in lezzie solidarity. I guess Jenna ran out of episodes to watch on Crashpad. Either way, Jenna wants a favor. She wants Emily to tell TobAy that she “never meant to hurt him” which is really fucked because last time I checked she raped him. Ugh. Also she has a weird burn on her hand. Oh! And she gives us a new thing to know!
Shit We Learned This Episode:
12. Wilden saw Ali the Night She Was In A Million Places And Saw Everyone And Died (Maybe)
Starsweep across the cul de sac where a different couple of lezzies have just gotten back from shopping. Hanna seems visibly strained hanging out with MonA and pours them a couple of sodas. It’s kind of sad because MonA really is trying and Hanna is just trying to keep her enemies close. MonA calls Hanna out on her fakery. As a gesture of goodwill, and probably to get into Hanna’s pants someday, MonA gives her the hard drive. It’s maybe a nice moment.
Over at the Hasting’s. Spencer’s catching up on Best American Erotica 2012. She walks to the window and what does she see? Jessica Dilaurentis staring through her window awkwardly. I’ve decided that Jessica is recreating Alison’s room in order to recreate the events of The Night Alison Was In A Million Places And Saw Everyone And Died (Maybe) and film it to be used in a heist a la Oceans Eleven.
Just then Spencer gets a text to her iPad.
It’s cryptic. As usual.
The next day or something the Liars join everyone ever at Wilden’s funeral. The Liars, who by now you would think would have mastered the art of dressing for a funeral, show up as Sex in the City fabulous as ever.
The Liars are highly concerned that the casket has something incriminating inside of it. Yeah, because this couldn’t just be another trap by A. Definitely not. If there really was something incriminating in the casket, you would think it would be best to just let it be buried? Am I right? But oh no, Spencer and MonA, who shows up just for funsies, have to go digging elbow deep in dead body to dig out a cell phone.
Wilden has a missed call from “Kisses,” who I would be inclined to think is his cat, but what do I know. The girls call the number and Hanna picks up. Why does Wilden have Hanna under “Kisses” in his phone? Because that’s not Wilden’s phone. It’s Ashley’s.
The girls circle up to figure out what the bajeezus is going on. It’s mutually agreed upon that Ashley is probably A’s next target.
Just then Ali’s mom walks over and basically does a weird Ali thing. First she tells the girls how pretty they look and then she compliments Hanna on keeping the weight off. Why don’t the adults in Rosewood know how to behave like adults? Jessica invites the girls to sit with her but, no surprise they’re one seat short and MonA has to find seating elsewhere.
In a similar no surprise Jenna walks in with a muscled out man guide and her sunglasses on. Wait, is she still pretending to be blind? Like still? I thought she was done with that. Why is every funeral in Rosewood exactly the same?
Actually, I have no idea why the Liars would have even attended Wilden’s funeral. Or Jessica DiLaurentis. Or Jenna. Or Fitz. Why are any of them here? I guess funerals are just where people go to be seen in Rosewood now. It’s like the hottest social event of the year. I guess that explains why there’s a girl who face is completely covered in a black veil. I like how no one in the whole church is commenting on how weird and borderline inappropriate that is. Instead everyone’s just puttering around making small talk as usual like, “Oh and look the neighbor’s son came to show his respects, how sweet. And look! Even Creepy Black Veil made it today! I haven’t seen her in years!”
Elsewhere, TobAy is texting and driving.
I half expect him to get hit with a truck, but instead he just has a pastel flashback involving Alison. Obviously. TobAy and Alison hang out in his room where they touch his things.
Then Alison says “I know you want to kiss me” for the bagillionth time. Maybe I should start using that line? Alison seems to clean up with it. Before TobAy can make his move though, his mother walks in.
TobAy has a moment with his mother that kind of makes me like his cro-magnon face where he asks her what’s going on and it’s made clear to us that his mother is depressed. Alison expresses her usual nasty displeasure that she spews whenever someone or something is outside her perfect reality.
TobAy kicks Alison out of his house and I’m guessing this is when she decided to ruin his life. Or maybe this was last week and TobAy was only pretending his mother was dead for three seasons. You never can tell with this show. Either way TobAy dramatically exits the A-Mobile, I guess leaving it for Red Coat or something. C’mon asshole.
Back over at the funeral, the Liars exit. They’re approached by a police officer who’s taking over for Wilden. He admits that Wilden’s behavior was totally totally harassment except, oops, they have to come in for questioning anyways. He also wants to know wtf the Liars are doing at Wilden’s funeral. I can’t decide if this is Pretty Little Liars breaking the fourth wall but it’s damn near close.
As usual, the season premiere ends with all four — scratch that — five Liars receiving a text from A.
OoOoOoh! And this one comes with a fancy snapchat!
In our final A scene Creepy Black Veil adds a A’ed out MonA doll to the group of Liars. I assume this means MonA is basically officially a new Liar and I can go back to calling her Mona.
I’m sure pleased with this for two reason. First of all, Mona is a super smart computer wiz kid and I hate how the Liars go running to Caleb every time they need to unplug and replug in the router. Secondly, I really really love Mona! She’s spunky and hilarious and obviously in love with Hanna. She’s also batshit crazy and, at this point, doesn’t give a shit who knows it. Plus I would love to see some of her family life.
But that’s not all folks. We see as Creepy Black Veil pulls back her creepy black veil. Who’s underneath? An Alison mask half burned a la phantom of the opera. For whatever reason it never occurred to me until this very moment that Big Red/Creepy Black Veil/A/whoever took the time to have Alison masks made. Where does one even do that? Wouldn’t that be really expensive? It’s not like I’m looking for plot holes, but seriously what the fuck?
Is that something I could do? Could I have Lizz masks made for all my friends and family?
Before we go our separate ways let’s review the shit we learned this episode:
Shit We Learned This Episode:
1. Mona put Wilden’s car in Hanna’s garage. (Not a metaphor for hetero sex, actual car, actual garage)
2. Shana knew Jenna from Before The Show because she wanted to fingerblast her
3. Cece visited Mona in Radley but MonA thought she was Ali because MonA was still cray
4. Lucas gave Emily the creep-o massage in Season One
5. TobAy has been on the A team since the hundredth time he left town whenever the fuck that was
6. MonA didn’t push Ian off the bell tower
7. Mona has keys to Emily’s car
8. Wilden is dead
9. MonA was the one posing as Caleb in the A-Train
10. The Queen of Hearts was Wilden and (possibly) Melissa who wanted to kill Garett before he spilled the beans
11. Wilden and Melissa were the ones who put Aria and Garret in the A-Train box
12. Wilden saw Ali the Night She Was In A Million Places And Saw Everyone And Died (Maybe)
13. Mona is a future toppy butch
Well that’s a lot for this week if I do say so myself! If we learn anything next week I’ll be right here to chat about it! -L
Thank you to Kissthemgoodbye.net for the screencaps!
