This AMA is a part of our 13th Birthday Member Drive and it is our birthday TODAY (also the anniversary of the death of Jenny Schecter 😥) if you are reading this and are not a member, well, my dear friend, there is no better time than NOW to sign up for A+ (for just $4 a month or $30 a year), you’ll be a part of keeping Autostraddle here for everybody — and you’ll get to come to the AMA and ask us questions in this post’s very comment section, too! That, and you get access to a constantly expanding library of A+ bonus content and the sweet birthday-cake-flavored satisfaction of paying this queer space forward to anyone who needs it!
AMA Schedule: TODAY Tuesday March 8, 8am PST – 6pm PST
Location: You are in the right place, my sweet little figs! Post your questions in the comments of this very post!
Times in other zones: 11am – 9pm EST, 4pm – 2am UK time, WEDNESDAY 5am – 3pm in Wellington, NZ, WEDNESDAY 12am – 10am Singapore time!
Who’s Going to Be Here and When?
Here [and gay] All Day:
Here For a Whole Heaping Lot of the Day:
Here from 8am – 12pm PST:
Here from 11am – 3pm PST:
Here from 2pm – 6pm PST:
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Would you like to help Autostraddle keep running throughout our 13th year by leaving an extra birthday gift? You totally can! Thank you so much for anything you can do!
Ok this is not a question but I just wanted to say seeing your profiles and topics in this post made me emotional. You all are so wonderful! Thank you for all you create, dream, and sacrifice to make this site keep going ❤️ Happy 13th birthday!!
Aren’t they cute! I desperately want to write LYLAS on everyone’s pictures but then like, actually keep in touch lol.
Johanna!! Thank YOU!!!! Both for this incredibly sweet message to start us off and also for being an A+ member, you’re the reason this site keeps going, too.
johanna !! 💛
😭😭😭Johanna!! Thank you this was a beautiful message to kick off the day with!
Thanks so much for this kind note, @banani, and thanks for contributing to keeping this community going. We couldn’t do what we do without you.
💜💜💜
Kayla, I have been following you on social media for years and I have always admired your fashion sense. How did you develop it? Any tips for a trans woman that is trying to find her style in her forties?
Hi Brandi!! Thanks for being such a longtime supporter of my work! Your encouragement is always such a boost for me! I love this question, but I’m not sure if I have a satisfying answer! Fashion/style/personal style has honestly always felt pretty hard to pin down to me. I change things up a lot. To be completely honest, I’m super influenced by where I live, and I have lived a lot of different places! My style in New York was way different than my current style in Miami. I basically just stay really open to reinvention. I used to say I’d never wear a dress again and now I wear dresses all the time. And I didn’t get hung up on that switch at all. I try not to make fixed rules for myself and instead just go with the flow. A dress feels good for me today and might not tomorrow and I don’t personally see a need to overanalyze that. I think the best thing to do is to remind yourself that style IS super personal. And since we change as people, our fashion preferences might change too. Don’t think about what you SHOULD wear but rather what you genuinely WANT to wear. And be open to change. But also changing a wardrobe can get pricey! Which is why I’m a big fan of thrifting or clothing swaps or also picking specific things I know I will want to wear over and over so the cost per wear seems reasonable (ex. A pair of jeans that I really like).
Thank you so much Kayla. I really appreciate how much thought you put into this answer. I will try different things and just enjoy figuring it out. <3
Yeah I really hope you do enjoy the journey! I think it’s just so personal and takes time to figure out and also can shift all the time. After writing this answer I remembered that for like a year of my life wearing blue lipstick was totally MY THING and now I cannot imagine wearing blue lipstick? But I don’t regret that era. It’s just not me anymore and that’s fine!
Heather, who are your favorite twitter cats, and why is it Sarge and Benny? ;) Kidding! Do you remember who the first cat you followed on twitter was? I love hearing people’s cat twitter origin stories!
BROOK! Okay so actually Benny was the first cat I followed on Twitter. It was just one of those days on the bird app when it was just too terrible to even look at, and I said, “I am never getting back on this dang platform ever again!” Which is rich on account of Twitter being a big part of my job. Someone — I wish I could remember who! — was like, “Wait, do you know Benny? He’s orange and 👁👄👁!” So I looked for him and found him and the way he said :) to everyone about everything made my heart feel warm, so I followed him and then Sarge right away. I became very attached to Sarge and my wife became very attached to Benny, and now sometimes it’ll be like 2am and I’ll hear her say into the dark, “I wonder what Beandy got up to today.” We check on them every day!
Omg!! That is so cute! I genuinely didn’t know that Benny was the first cat you followed! We love Auntie Heather and Auntie Stacy!
I just love that this includes the question “what was the first cat you followed on twitter?” and that i didn’t flinch one bit.
I just moved in with my gf and it’s my first time living solely with a partner instead of in a shared housing situation.
Best tips and tricks (from anyone who feels like they have good insight) for making this harmonious, sexy, fun and sustainable?
This question is for any team member keen to answer:
Okay. I think I recall, in an A+ post, that the team discussed Julianna Marguiles comments about playing noted lesbian Laura Peterson on The Morning Show. So I’m curious, how did that chat go down? And what are your opinion(s) on heterosexual-identified actors playing queer characters?
Because, you know, who hasn’t had gay thoughts. Lol
Okay, one: chores! because this is maybe one of the most frequently fought-about things among couples.
So, I was thinking about this for a while because one of things we do talk about around here is what the differences between romantic partnerships and friendships are — and sometimes there aren’t that many! So, without knowing what your former shared housing situation was like, if you were friends with your roommates in the former situation, then there may not be a TON of difference with some things, like how collaborative or not household tasks were. That being said, generally, when living solely with a romantic partner, you can make household tasks more collaborative and it can be less about doing things individually and more about accomplishing things as a unit. (Vs with roommates it can be very much everyone-does-their-own-dishes etc.) One thing I’ve found that works well is to divide up the work based on individual skills and preferences, as opposed to splitting it directly down the middle. Like, to me, there is a big difference between someone who’s a good cleaner (can bang out the dishes, scrub a bathroom) and someone who’s a good tidier (thoughtfully arranges items in a room, puts things away nicely) and seeing where you fall on this spectrum I’ve made up (lol) might be helpful! I think that approaching household work and cleaning not as a given or a thing about which there can be assumptions, but as something you two discuss about how to get it done in a way that feels good to you both is something that can save some angst down the line!
Two: spend time apart if you can!
Speaking of harmonious and sexy, it can be a delight to live with a partner, but it’s also important to carve out time each for your individual selves, especially outside of the home! So, that is a hot tip from me to you, which is to, early on, make individual time a habit and a part of how you cohabitate. I’m also calling it “individual time” and not alone time because I think there’s a difference. Individual time can include time spent with each of your friends, time at classes or other social activities, things like that!
Congrats on your new living situation and wishing you tons of luck!
I mean this is prescriptive as hell but: Don’t put a television in the bedroom!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like this advice is borderline cliche but like I feel very passionately about it, and p much the first thing I said to my gf when we were moving in together was “i don’t want a television in the bedroom.” I just think late-night TV can really affect the sexy times, but on top of that, it can impact sleep schedules which can impact…every part of your life!!!! Okay stepping off my soapbox
Nicole and Kayla, these are both solid recs!!
Kayla, I also grew up with a firm no Tv in the bedroom ideology, and had begun to waver recently, but this gave me a good kick up the ass!! You’re riiiight.
I second Nicole’s advice about time apart 1000%! Keep your own interests and friend hangouts that you do without your partner. If you don’t already have a hobby your partner doesn’t share, look into one!
On the flip side, if your schedules are super busy, a date and/sex night can be helpful so you don’t spend all your time outside work together just doing household stuff!
Hiya babes :)
You can ask questions in the comments and I’ll search for them or you can just reply under this message if you have something specific to me!
I’ll be drinking my coffee with sexy ice, and watching The Gilded Age while I await your questions — oh yeah and also you know, working….
What is sexy ice??? Or is it just sexy because it’s ice. And is the gilded age any good?
Wow so actually YES it is sexy simply because it’s ice BUT also because guess what nicole! it is teeny tiny ice instead of the big chunky ice and it literally makes all drinks incredible! Think of the ice from SONIC!
cover your ears because I am about to yell….THE GILDED AGE IS INCREDIBLE AND I WOULD LOVE TO TALK ABOUT IT FGOR HOURS TO ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO LISTEN. The hats are all terrible tho and I don’t care what anyone says about that.
i’ve never considered sonic ice being sexy — perfect? yes. favored? of course — but once again shelli you are 100% correct
Laneia did you know you can BUY A BAG OF SONIC ICE FROM THEM? I have tried to time how long it would take me to get home on the bus with it before it melts…
Hi all! This weekend felt a bit like spring, giving me the hope that comes with the change of seasons. What are you looking forward (personal or professional) this spring/summer?
I actually just went outside right before this AMA (I’m working from a coffee shop today, so this is actually the #1 thing I’ve been looking forward to — coffee shop working!) and the sun was SO BRIGHTTTT and it felt SOOO GOOOOOOD against my skin. It’s been a bit of a dreary winter for me and a lot of personal stuff has also really doubled up with my seasonal depression to make it a hard one for me. THE SUN is 100% what I am most looking forward to.
Hmmm…I really miss being out at the park and just reading and chilling or having a cute time with friends. I also am excited to go to the lake cos the past two years I have been getting more comfortable with my fear of water and actually ENJOYING a lake moment! Also eating brunch outside and trying to figure out if im sweating because of the heat or because I’m tipsy at 11am
this spring/summer i’m finally going to clear out my yard and make it something i can be proud of: no more grass (it’s THE DESERT why did they ever plant grass here??), no more fucking oleander bushes I HATE OLEANDER BUSHES, no more weeds and no more palm trees. it’s going to be CACTI and native shrubs and dirt and boulders and wildflowers! we’re gonna get this little space back to where she used to be.
The weather turned warm and I turned to my partner and was immediately like SO WHERE ARE WE GONNA DRIVE TO. I’m looking forward to a summer where it might be possible for me to fit in a couple of my favorite things, which are road trips!
Thank you all for your replies! I am so fond of you all and glad to hear of all the little things your are looking forward to.
Wishing you all the warm days with outdoor coffee/brunch, gardening, lake days, road trips, and birthdays (happy early 30th Kayla!). Hoping for lots of new adventures, small and large. And Drew Toronto is so great!
AND ALSO I wanna know about you Annie! What are you looking forward to?
i am looking forward to my 30th birthday in may!!!!!!!!!
I am very possibly spending this summer in Toronto and I’m always excited to spend extended periods of time in new places! I spent last summer in Cincinnati working on a movie and even though that wouldn’t have been my first choice of place I still loved getting to know the area. Short vacations tend to overwhelm me but a month or more in the same place is lovely.
Gardening!! And also my baby sleeping for longer periods at night. (Good vibes, prayers etc welcome to manifest the baby sleep are welcome!)
QUESTION FOR ANYONE: If you could go back and time to when you were 13 and take ONE (1) physical non-living thing back to present day with you — toy, book, article of clothing, snack, school supply, etc — what would it be?
ALTERNATIVELY: What’s one thing you’ve had since you were (at least) 13 that you still own and love?
valerie this is SUCH a good question!
i think the only things that i have from when i was 13 (partially because i throw things away constantly, and partially because i’ve moved more than 20 times since then) are books, so i’m gonna say my anne of green gables original paperback trilogy. still love those books, going to keep them forever.
A toy bunny that I eventually gave to my daughters .. sadly they didn’t think much of the old tattered bun, so it’s gone
There are some books and CDs I lent to friends I had when I was 13 that I drifted away from before I could get the things back.
I still sleep with a stuffed elephant my aunt gave me for my 1st birthday.
You know… I had a really cool vanity mirror above my dresser when I was 13? It was this large oval shape and had like ornate wood details. The coloring on it was awful (that bleached “beach wood” that was everywhere in the 90s), but I’d love to have it back and handpaint it into something more my taste. It had real potential.
I had an Adidas Shoe box full of Cosmo sex tips that I cut out of every issue and I wish I still had it purely for nostalgia and not to actually perform the gosh awful tips that they recommended, well, maybe with the exception of 10-12 of them.
ok i’m really torn bc my first instinct was to grab the vinyl platform airwalks with everyone’s doodles and signatures on the soles, bc i really just want to see them again — but then if i had another second to really think about it, i’d want the burgundy rib knit strappy ankle-length dress that was split up both sides and looked SO DAMN CUTE with a babydoll tee and aforementioned platform sneakers bc GUESS WHAT i would wear that dress weekly in this year of our lord 2022.
This is a good question! I still have a t-shirt I got on an eighth grade field trip to the NASA Space Center in Houston. That day is definitely one of my best middle school memories. At this point the shirt has so many holes and I ripped the sleeves off because they were hanging on by a thread. It’s by far the most comfortable piece of clothing I own. It’s so soft from almost 20 years of being washed. Somehow no matter how much my weight fluctuates it always fits and I always feel good in it. I wear it around my house all the time. I know I’m truly comfortable with someone if I have them over and don’t bother putting on a nicer shirt.
Is it weird that everyone else had a very sentimental answer to Valerie’s first question and my thought was like, X’s rookie card because it’d be worth so much money now?
Yeah, that’s weird.
I’m weird.
natalie i think this just proves that you’re smarter than the rest of us
I have very battered copies of my old favourite books, Harriet the Spy and Anne of Green Gables that I have owned since childhood! I will never give them away!
i had this super nerdy shirt that had a portrait of shakespeare with a clown nose captioned ‘comedy’ on the front and then a bloody knife that was “sticking out of my back” captioned tragedy and i think of this shirt at least once a week and wonder where the hell it went!
i am wildly sentimental and love Stuff so i have so many possessions still! like, from my spot on my couch i can see several knickknacks and keepsakes from both my childhood and family members. i think the thing i’m most glad to still have are my lego sets! partly because i’ve gotten back into lego building, partly because i remember exactly how many hours i spent playing with them, partly because of my strong belief that we as a society forget how to play far too young and that it’s a vital skill to retain
they’re lego spaceships fwiw
Carmen (or anyone!): what’s your favorite Shonda Rhimes show, who is yr fave lgbtq+ character from her shows, and if you’re still watching, what do you think of how the Station 19/Grey’s shared world has developed in the past couple seasons, esp the big crossover episodes? Also, if you read Rhimes’ memoir, do you recommend it?
you absolutely don’t have to answer all of these btw, please feel free to pick and choose
good morning friends! i’ll be here scanning the comments and chiming in on threads wherever i can, but if you have specific questions for me about tarot, cooking, witchery, bisexuality, divorce, home decor, photography, writing, or anything else that you just want my thoughts on, you can thread your questions by replying to this comment 🖤 thank you for being an A+ member!
I guess as someone who struggles to make meals for herself on a regular basis, any (especially vegetarian!) recipes you love?
i love this question! i really, really love making myself soup. chili, minestrone, lentil, tomato, and french onion (my absolute favorite) are all really easy to make in bulk, either on the stovetop or in a crock pot, and then to freeze in containers or ziplock bags for later. i also buy a lot of salad kits (i live in nyc and use fresh direct, but most chain grocery stores have bagged salad kits with the produce), which i sometimes eat as-is and other times add protein to.
i love to cook but especially living alone, most days i cannot be bothered to cook a full meal for just me – so i try to make it as easy for myself as possible. i keep a lot of fruit, nuts, yogurt, cheese and crackers, and other snacks on hand so that i can always grab a hummus cup or some carrots to keep me going. snacks are wildly underrated and often turn into mini-meals for me when i’m eating at my desk or need something small before heading out.
if there are things you particularly love to eat or cook, let me know and i can post some recipes!
MEG I HAVE A QUESTTTTIIIOOONNNNN, can you please tell me as much as you want about Saturn Returns x how to use Tarot to guide you through it?!
WHEW yes i can sure try! first here’s my usual disclaimer that i am NOT a professional astrologer (though i am lucky enough to be dating one) but i will do my best to offer some quick insights and also some links/folks to follow.
saturn is the planet of boundaries, restrictions, time, limits, protections, and saying NO – as my GF says, this is our dyke daddy in the sky, a taskmaster who wants us to get our shit together. saturn teaches us about taking responsibility for our life, our choices, our dreams, our desires – essentially it asks us what we’re willing to double down on, and what we are less interested in investing in. saturn encourages us to prioritize what matters to us, and to be protective of our own resources.
saturn takes about 27 years to orbit the sun, so our first saturn return tends to hit when we’re between the ages of 27-29, and may last through ages 29-32, depending on where saturn is in your natal chart. placement matters, as the sign and house that saturn was in when you were born can give a lot of insight into what areas of your life will be activated, transformed, or challenged during this time. getting a reading from a professional astrologer can be a really, really useful thing in terms of preparing and moving through this time. (my saturn return, going through my sixth house of scorpio where my sun and pluto also reside, resulted in me finally coming out as bisexual to my super conservative evangelical parents, beginning therapy for my severe depression and self harm, moving to NYC, and buying my first tarot deck.)
from a tarot perspective, think about the emperor (organization, structure, discipline, protecting our dreams, making a plan for long-term success) and the world (completion, integration, achievement, identifying what we have accomplished, thinking about our next steps). these are cards that take the time to identify what matters, that encourage us to reflect on where we’ve been and what we’ve done, and also push us to look forward and consider our future, our legacy, our evolution. i haven’t written a tarot spread for saturn returns but i should!!
in the meantime, i highly recommend following jeanna kadlec, diana rose harper, and ari felix on socials, as all three of these astrologers write about saturn and no a LOT. theresa reed also has this great write-up on saturn returns, which can add a little more context and also differentiate between first and second saturn returns.
https://www.thetarotlady.com/making-friends-with-your-saturn-return/
hope this helps! 🖤🖤🖤
Thank you Meg!!!
Hi Meg! Home decor question – how do you draw the line between getting exactly what you want re: a new piece of furniture you want to keep forever, versus just procrastinating making a decision? (the item in question is an armchair. why do they cost so much??)
this is SO DAMN REAL. good furniture is often really expensive if you’re buying it new, so it’s a matter of considering your personal budget as well as thinking through if this is a piece that you will want to keep for a long time. if you can afford the piece and you’re willing to make the investment (even if that means you’ll have less money for other pieces in the room etc), think about the style, color, size, and shape. is this a piece that could work in multiple locations in your home, or is it so big that it only fits in one corner? could you see it working in additional spaces, if you move? is the color, pattern, or texture one that you could use in different settings, or is it very specific to this particular room / mood / purpose?
and if you don’t care about something being new, thrift shops, estate sales, and used furniture can be a great way to get pieces that you love without having to spend a ton of money. this is largely dependent on where you live, but if you’ve been hesitating due to cost, this could be a good solution.
for me, i tend to invest in pieces that i will want to keep with me for years, and spend a lot less on pieces that serve on particular purpose or solve for a very specific problem. for example, i managed to move into an apartment with a small office, and wanted a gigantic desk that would serve as a photography space with room for my computer, writing tools, and would also have enough room for tarot readings – but i also knew that a desk of this size would likely not work in future nyc apartments, so i bought a cheap one. i spent more of my budget on a couch, because i found one that i loved, and knew that i would want to keep it for years.
IMO if you have been thinking about a particular piece for weeks and weeks and you still want it, go for it. life is short, even low-quality armchairs are expensive, and if it brings you joy, is well made, and you could see working in multiple spaces, it’s worth the investment.
bisexuality question! trying to keep this super brief (honestly I should probably send it in as a full q, but in case you have any nuggets of wisdom you could easily share) – I have a huge complex about being a bi woman in a relationship w/ a dude. being queer has been very important to me and a big part of my identity, but I feel like every time I leave my house in my beloved ‘who all is gay here’ hat and my boyfriend beside me, people see me and throw up in their mouth a little. I know this is a huge issue, but to sum it up: I feel like if I’m going to keep being on the queer wagon, I need to sh*t or get off the pot, so to speak. like, be with a woman or let it go, you just don’t really fit in.
this is v embarrassing to type on the internet, but honestly this occupies like 60% of my freeform thought real estate so I need to be snapped to reality or something.
oh friend, i can relate so hard to this! and first off let me tell you that i promise, promise, promise that you can be queer and also be dating a man. i know it’s really hard to feel that because so often queer community openly and consistently vilifies men in general (many times rightfully so, but still) and it can feel like if we aren’t participating in rampant misandry, we’re not really queer. but bisexuality is real and your queerness is valid, truly.
if you love your partner and are completely satisfied in your relationship with them, you truly don’t have to leave them just to feel more queer. but you might have to be more intentional about finding queer community that makes you feel accepted and welcome, and sometimes that takes time. i found online community first (here at autostraddle specifically, but also on social media), but attending events like A-camp and specifically seeking out bisexual folks that were married to men was incredibly affirming.
if you aren’t satisfied in your relationship, that’s a completely different story, and is something to spend time reflecting on privately and talking with your partner about. opening up your relationship so that you can date other people might be something to consider (and AS has tons of resources on this). or, if the relationship isn’t one that you want to preserve, breaking up might be the move. but don’t break up with someone that you love and want to be with just to satisfy random queer people on the internet. please, don’t give strangers that kind of power over your happiness.
we’ve written about this topic before, so i would encourage you to check out the bisexual tag on AS, if you have’t already: https://develop.autostraddle.com/tag/bisexuality/
sending you so much love and solidarity 🖤🖤🖤 and fellow bisexuals, please feel free to chime in if you have other advice!
Here to affirm that as it turns out, being bisexual can mean that cis men can be included in the genders you’re attracted to! You can’t help that! You might even fall in love with one, and that doesn’t make you any less queer. If people are throwing up in their mouths then they’re either hetero and queerphobic (which, we don’t have time for that), or they’re queer and biphobic and maybe need to have some thinking time about that, especially considering a vast swath of the queer community is bi+ / pan. Now, as Meg said, cishet men can often be…awful! But that doesn’t mean that your partner is, and so the most important gauge here is, how good do you feel in your relationship? If the answer is REALLY FUCKING AWESOME then I want to encourage you to step away from the pressure and do whatever you want.
Now, on the other hand, it’s also a completely valid choice to decide that you don’t want to date cishet men and to break up with someone you’re happy with because of that. You can do that. You can break up with someone for any reason and if it is simply a case where you won’t be happy because you keep thinking you’d be happier with another queer person…that’s a thing you can do. It’s also probably better for the other person in the relationship because then they can seek out someone who’s going to be much more satisfied in the relationship. I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay in a relationship just because the relationship’s working (weirdest advice ever but stay with me) because it is your life and you are allowed to make choices that feel right to you, and only you will know what those are! Now, there is, as Meg wisely pointed out, a vast gap between doing something because you want to and doing something because of pressure from others. So, that is something to definitely reflect on as you consider.
Finally, there is also the chance that this has been on your mind a ton because you secretly (from yourself, like a secret from yourself) want to break up and this is the only “real” reason you’ve been able to come up with. Again, you don’t have to have Big Reasons to break up. You might just not be as happy as you know you could be. That’s okay to realize. It happens. There’s not a lot of detail about the situation around your relationship in the question, so I don’t really know how that’s going, but I hope these things are helpful to you!
So glad to have you here and a part of this queer community!!! <3
Hi Alierose, I am just here to join the train of people ready to affirm that there’s no such thing as “queer enough” and you absolutely do NOT have to “shit or get off the pot” (which so happens, is one of my all time favorite phrases). Your pot — so to speak — is bisexuality, and that can mean a lot of things to a variety of people, and can absolutely include being attracted to, and in committed relationships with, cis men. There’s no measuring stick. No rubric. You are queer enough because you are a queer person walking around in this world. OK that’s it! Sending you love!!
Question for anyone: Which queer movie would you love to see made into a musical?
Saving Face would make a GREAT musical!
Hands down, But I’m a Cheerleader!!!! Can you even imagine??
there is a But I’m a Cheerleader musical!!
Fellow Broadway nerd here. This is actually happening in London and in previews now! I think it opened in late Nov last year. I saw a ton of photos and, at least staging and casting-wise, it seems like it’s just as great as you’re hoping it will be. I haven’t listened to the music yet, but I have high hopes.
obvs also But I’m a Cheerleader, which indeed has a musical, I just have not seen it!
Secondly: A Simple Favor, Professor Marston and the Wonder Women, Foxfire and Bound!
DISOBEDIENCE.
SHELLI
I’ll write it myself if i have to.
SHELLI!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i think Imagine Me & You would be cute musical that would be more likely to end up on actual Broadway, if only for a season
but I am chaos and I want DEBS the musical
Cannot believe that no one has suggested The Favorite The Musical
i think i will go with either Bound or Black Swan
I actually can’t believe that anyone hasn’t created Black Swan the musical.
Omg incredible question !
Maybe it’s because it started as a play but I think A Date for Mad Mary would make such a good musical. I’d also like to see All Over Me, Shortbus, The Miseducation of Cameron Post, Pepi Luci Bom, and, because I’m weird, The Novice. Legs, body, arms, arms, body, leeeeeeeeeegs!
Geez! Happy 13th! and also I guess, feelings about Jenny S’s passing?
RIP Jenny Schecter, may we all remember her today.
a misunderstood and tormented woman who was driven to her untimely death by a maniacal edgelord named ilene chaiken, may she find rest and peace 😩
Absolutely unjustified.
It is only true if we acknowledge Season 6 as canon which I definitely do not.
she’ll be back
What’s a hobby or skill you picked up during COVID lockdowns that you’d like to keep?
I learned how to make my all-time favorite banana bread, does that count?
https://smittenkitchen.com/2020/03/ultimate-banana-bread/
i’ve been trying to create a meaningful, sustainable morning routine for about a decade, but it always felt a little decadent and unnecessary? lockdown sort of gave me the permission i needed to go all in and find a practice that worked. i experimented with different versions of this over the past two years, but most mornings — unless it’s just a wild ass day and it can’t be done — i listen to a poem, then to the news while i empty the dishwasher and make breakfast. i’ll work out or do yoga, and then get fully dressed before sitting down to work. sometimes i read with breakfast, or listen to a book or an astrology podcast while i’m getting dressed, but as long as it started with a poem and some kind of concerted body movement, i feel so fucking alive and so fucking grateful 🥺
i’ve been arranging flowers, and i love it!
Hi!! I’m a sci-fi writer, and it looks like my next novel is shaping up to be cyberpunk – almost out of spite, considering my historical antipathy towards the genre due to its rampant racism, sexism, etc etc. I have TROUBLE AND HER FRIENDS on hold at the library as we speak, but do any of you have any other queer/feminist/anti-racist cyberpunk titles that you consider essential reading/viewing?
this might be too far out in left field but cristy c. road’s NEXT WORLD TAROT deck is super queer and super punk (as is all of her artwork, music, and writing) and if you’re the kind of witch who uses tarot cards to generate characters, plot points, or settings, you might find a lot of inspiration there!
https://www.silversprocket.net/next-world-tarot/
I really liked Trouble And Her Friends! I’ve read several Melissa Scott books and she really stands out in terms of queer cyberpunk.
Probably not technically cyberpunk but really great nonetheless is Slow River by Nicola Griffith.
Hello not an Autostraddle employee but very interested in this question.
Woman on the Edge of Time by Marge Piercy is the seminal queer feminist cyberpunk text I think and well worth the read. Also try He, She, and It by Piercy.
Oryx and Crake by Margaret Atwood is interesting.
The Windup Girl by Paolo Bacigalupi.
Some of N.K. Jemisins work could be cyberpunk. “The Trojan Girl” in particular.
I sort of think of Dahlgren as cyberpunk? But it’s sorta not.but Nova by Delaney is I think. Ugh. Categories are hard but feminist scifi is awesome.
Oh wow. I haven’t thought about cyber punk in a while (although I do still have my tattered William Gibson trilogies). Please share when your book is available!
He, She and It by Marge Piercy is an old school feminist cyber punk novel that holds up pretty well – I think it was published in the 90s and not all of the technology makes sense today but she got a lot right. It has at least one queer supporting character.
Svaha by Charles de Lint is another old school cyber punk novel (1989) that was an attempt at writing from a less racist/ sexist / imperialist perspective. I don’t know how well it holds up – De Lint is a white male Canadian author best known for helping create the urban fantasy genre. I did love it back in the day Not sure how available it is now.
For more contemporary books, have you read the Murderbot Diaries series by Martha Wells? About a cranky rogue security cyborg who just wants to be left alone to do its job and stream its favorite media (most relatable cyborg ever) – the term cyberspace isn’t used but using the network / internet is important to the stories.
Which reminds me of the Radch series by Ann Leckie, starting with Ancillary Justice. It’s one of those series that is either not overtly queer or like the queerest thing ever, depending on your interpretation.
There are some great suggestions on here already!
(Although I do not recommend Margaret Atwood; in addition to being a terrible human who has supported white male abusers in the Canadian writing community and supported white authors pretending to be Indigenous, her feminism is very old school and white!)
I’d add:
Sarah Pinsker’s work (slow paced but I think has interesting stuff re: tech, also has queer characters!
Yoon Ha Lee is a trans writer whose work is alternately a bit cyberpunk and steampunk, always awesome and sometimes too tech/sciencey smart for me!
Everyone on the Moon is Essential Personnel by Julian K Jarboe. Incredible!! I was on the lambda SFFH committee for judging the year this book came out and we chose it to win because it is amazing!
Larissa Lai: queer, feminist, asian cyberpunkish novels
I’ve Got a Time Bomb by Sybil Lamb. A work of utter trans genius!!
Hard second for Everyone on the Moon is Essential Personnel! I’m about halfway through the whole collection and loving it!
FELIZ CUMPLE!
KAYLA – WHAT IS THE BEST BRAND OF SARDINES?
LANEIA – WHO SELLS THE HOTTEST CAFTANS?
NICOLE – WHO IS THE COOLEST GHOST YOU’VE MET?
HEATHER – GOT ANY COOL CAT ENRICHMENT IDEAS? ALEXEI IS INCREDIBLY BORED.
SHELLI – WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE BUDGETING APP??
sorry for all caps just felt excited
Ari… I… feel… left out… 😭😭😭
(IM KIDDING!! Gotta be clear about that online!)
CARMEN I WAS WAITING FOR YOUR APPROVED TIME! It’s NOT 11am PST yet! just you wait…
HAHAHAAAA!!! OK!! Cannot wait!!!
I hate ALL THE BUDGETING APPS! Instead I like to tell folks to get acquainted with Google Sheets (and the tabs within in—we always forget about the tabs) It’s better because it can be so personal to exactly what you need and you can create formulas and more specifically to you. I also like it because you can track your “progress” over time easily.
Find a template that VISUALLY you enjoy (google free google sheets budget template), because money is already daunting so when you’re looking at yours and laying it out in front of you at least you can enjoy looking at it in some way. Then spend a day or so editing the shit out of the layout, making sure to include ALL THE THINGS THAT YOU NEED. Look up tutorial videos on Google Sheets to get a extra feel for it.
Layout the first page and then just make copies in the tabs (A tab for RENT, A tab for GROCERIES, A tab for any and every area that you are looking to budget out)
You can look at the sheets on your phone, yes, but i recommend only doing it and looking at it on your computer. Making yourself sit down weekly for a budgeting date with yourself to add, edit, and look at your money in front of you.
I just hate the apps because they are so impersonal and money and budget is far too specific to each and every one of us so the more personal the better!
oh hmmmmm HMMMMM i love this idea and am really trying to become a professional google workspace hottie!
Ari DM ME AND I WILL HELP YOU!
ARI I WISH I KNEW !! i’m still in the linen robe phase of my divorcée fashion journey and actually don’t yet own a caftan!! I KNOW I AM ALSO REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN THIS REVELATION.
if anyone I MEAN ANYONE has caftan recs please send them our way <3
WHOMST will help us!!!!
here to tell you both, as i type in my silky floral caftan, that the answer to this question is YOUR LOCAL VINTAGE/CONSIGNMENT STORE, OR IF YOU’RE RLY GOOD AT THRIFTING PERHAPS YOUR LOCAL GOODWILL/BINS SITUATION! there are also some good etsy shop options, but i like walking into a store and seeing what they’ve got every so often and also find them to be more affordable than online! you’re welcome xoxo
ok a goddess over here.
how sweet it is to be loved by YOU!
OH MY GOSH so I’m sitting here trying to like…frame “coolest” ghost. I guess the “chillest” ghost would have to be Bill the former owner of the house I live in because he mostly just walks around and sometimes makes the air smell like cigarettes and only exhibits minor and harmless poltergeist activity. The objectively COOLEST ghost though if like, this were maybe by ghost standards where they’re ranking themselves based on stuff they can do, it might be a tie between the ghost that made my bed sound like it was BREATHING this one time OR the ghost(s) in my youngest childhood home who could actually turn on lights and other electronic devices like the now-very-vintage computer, as witnessed by both me and my mom who got accused of day-drinking by our neighbor because he was an electrician and she tried to tell him about it and as it turns out, it’s actually impossible for things like lights to turn themselves on. Major points for both of these. Scary!
okay BED BREATHING GHOST!!!!!!!! please CHILL OUT!
King Oscar and Iberia!!!! Both are readily available at most major grocery stores
great thank you perfect
Ari, hi! Alexi, hi! Okay so my Dobby gets bored so easily and when he does he acts out and also yowls. The key for him is to get a variety of toys that he likes to play with but not let him have access to all of them all the time. Gotta trade ’em out and keep ’em fresh! For the toys he plays with by himself, catnip bananas are his absolute favorite, and also those little box scratchers you can get like a three pack for ten dollars, with catnip sprayed on top of it. For people times, Dobby loves any feather on a stick, especially if his tunnel is out and he can hide and dart in and out of it. I always feel like cats will love lasers based on every video I’ve ever seen, but it just freaks my cats out!
ari thank you SO MUCH for this perfect set of questions, i have learned things i didn’t even know i needed to learn, i have laughed, i have smiled, i have said “ohhhhhhh”… cannot wait for my question from you later today ;)
Happy 13th guys! Question for all: what was your dream career when you were 13? (mine was palaeontologist)
i wanted to be a criminal psychologist ?????
Writer :) I was sure of myself from a very young age lol
well shelli this tracks so hard.
hollywood actress or broadway actress ://///
I wanted to draw all the time forever! Career path for this: unclear.
like kayla i also dreamed of making it in hollywood and/or broadway, despite having no ability to sing or dance
i was also considering being a filmmaker
Writer, which I am today somehow??
Question for Heather (nerd stuff) or Shelli (home decor stuff): I’m trying to rearrange my nerdy fandom decor (mix of Funkos, plaques, shadow boxes, etc) in my office. I have a variety of shelf space and bookcases but little to no wall space. I can’t seem to get them to a place where they really shine! Any tips for organizing/displaying your nerdy treasures in a mixed use space? How do you do it?
I’m a teeny bit confusion! You have shelf space and bookcases but no wall space.
(Does this mean you have lotsa shelves on the wall and also bookcases against the wall OR does it mean that you have bookcases against the wall so you don’t have any space to put up shelves?)
Hi Shelli! Sorry for the confusion. Shelves on 3 walls. They are above my desk, above an old big steam radiator, and above a comfy reading chair. Bookcases on 1 wall (it’s an odd shaped small room in an old house).
Oh Jerzey, let me tag in @punkystarshine! She’s made a museum out of her Funkos collection and probably even has some photos!
DID SOMEONE ASK FOR FUNKO PHOTOS
I have my funkos all around my house. I have floating shelves for some, some on a dresser (I have to reorg those so don’t pay too much attention to the order!), some on a Critical Role/Nerdy bookshelf, some on the top shelf of a bookcase!
valerie you are absolutely fucking perfect
my apartment has become the basement bedroom of the nerdy boy from a 90s sitcom BUT GAYER
This is amazing. You’ve given me some ideas about pairing fandom funkos/memorabilia with books and such (digging your BtVS display) Thanks! 🤩
yeah the moment I realized all my funkos didn’t have to live together was really eye-opening for me! haha
First time joining! I’m trying to accept my Agender-ness and my Asexualy as pros and things that add, and not think of them as things I have to “deal with” and “hurdles”.
Does anyone have any advice on seeing your quirks as positives, especially in a world that doesn’t know about gender and different types of sexuality.
WELCOME! And seriously this is always so hard! I think something I love to do is to actively try to recenter myself as an authority on my own experiences and also, when it comes to gender or anything else like that, as the default for me. Is it a quirk if something’s intrinsic to who you are? Probably not! Is something about yourself a positive? It is if you think so and especially if it’s a key part of who you are.
And then, the second thing, which I can tell you’re doing because you’re reading AS, is to find your people. Being in community with folks who share your identities, even if it’s online, can help to reframe things because if you’re, for example, talking with a bunch of ace people, then that becomes a common experience in that group and that makes room for you to be your whole self. I hope that makes sense!! I would try to seek out groups (FB groups, subreddits, Discords) where this might be the case and also I am going to recommend Angela Chen’s book if you haven’t read it yet!
Sending love your way <3
Hello I am not an AS staffer but as a gray-ace (I think???) who is reading Angela Chen’s book currently (I started out #37 or something on the library holds list) anytime I see anything here referencing asexuality I’m like YES HELLO. so hello. I wonder if there are any other straddlers who would be interested in starting an ace discord server (or ace/aromantic? I personally am not aro but I know there can be a lot of overlap in these groups)?
Hi Gray!
I’m gonna be on brand here and suggest reading about characters / books by authors who are agender and/or asexual! Some suggestions:
Gender Queer by Maia Kobabe (nonbinary and ace graphic memoir)
Darcie Little Badger’s two YA books (ace Indigenous characters, author same identity)
Ace by Angela Chen (nonfiction about asexuality)
How to Be Ace by Rebecca Burgess (ace graphic memoir)
If you like science fiction/fantasy, Seanan McGuire is ace and writes lots of ace characters. (Start with Every Heart a Doorway).
I don’t have any agender recs off the top of my head, so let me have a look and get back to you! 💜
I’m back with a few agender book recommendations!
The Heartbreak Bakery by A.R. Capetta
A Psalm for the Wild-Built by Becky Chambers
The Empress of Salt and Fortune by Nghi Vo
Hope this helps! 💜
Question for anyone: how do I slow down and stop falling for someone way too fast? We met on Lex perhaps a week and a half ago when she asked for book recommendations, had our first date this past Thursday, and another date on Sunday. We’ve been texting up a storm, imagining a future together in detail, spending hours on the phone… How do I balance this delightful energy with the need to actually get work done? I do want to savor the journey and focus on getting to know each other. So far it’s been 0/3 with my queer women friends/family members: none of them know how to slow down either, or even really want to (beyond not u-hauling).
Question for LA people: On a related note, how do I make driving in LA less terrifying? (I learned in suburbia and have been avoiding driving except to the same nearby place or two since moving here, but her place is not well connected to mine via public transit. I have a car, but she doesn’t, so it’s touching but not really fair for her to make a long trek when I could get from point A to point B much faster.)
Question 1: This is not a thing. Set your own pace and be aware of the things that feel good or even off to you. Enjoy this, this is YOUR LIFE. You’re in a moment where you are connecting with someone you like and adore — don’t spend so much time wondering if it’s too “fast” because if you focus on that — you could miss it. You could miss the moments, you could miss the memories, you could miss it all. This isn’t to say you can’t be wary at things or wonder if it is all too good to be true etc because thats natural, but don’t worry about slowing down if you don’t fucking want to.
Now — don’t let this sweet romance stop you from working though lol. You are going to have to remember that you still need to work and make a living to keep going on these cute dates and shit. But look at it as treats in your workday, take those little moments when the flashbacks hit and smile, Pick an emoji together that means “thinking of you” and send them a text with that emoji to let each other know when you are — but then get back to work lol. It’s also dope to know that when you’re done working you will have so much to tell them afterwards on a cute phone chitchat!
Romance is dope, falling for someone is beautiful, and you can wanna sit in those feelings all day everyday but you have to find ways to blend it all together. you shouldn’t make one person or one thing, your entire life, the beauty in living is that it’s so full of different things :) So happy for you.
Question 2: I don’t live in LA because it sounds horrible, hot and expensive.
I really like Shelli’s response to your first question. I’m also a hard and fast faller and I think it’s totally fine to sit with those feelings. I also tend to think of work as my space and time to disconnect from love and romance, kinda like a processing time. I often tell myself “If you just work these ___ hours, you’ll get to her tonight.”
As for LA traffic–I live here! I moved just over 2 years ago from Ohio, so I hear you. The roads here have changed my driving, that’s for sure. When I first started driving in LA I avoided rush hour, which really helped me to get to know the roads when it’s not too chaotic. I also found it helpful to drive with other people so I could have multiple sets of eyes on the lookout for cars, objects, etc. Honestly, the way I learned how to drive is by simply doing it a lot. If you want to get anywhere here, you have to be a little risky, or so it feels that way to me. I feel like after 2 years my reaction times/reflexes are much faster and I can anticipate when something might be more difficult to navigate. Since there’s more than one way to get places, I’ve learned to choose the ways that make me feel better and try to go when I know traffic is low. With time you will get more comfortable.
Do any of you have words of wisdom around the complicated bisexual thought of probably wanting cis men around for kink related reasons but ultimately not wanting a romantic relationship with them? Or navigating that while also getting into queer dating? I kind of feel like I should just choose one and think about the rest later, but really I’m just 23 and overwhelmed by everything at all times. Love y’all!
i imagine other people will weigh in too but as a kinky bisexual top, i honestly think that it’s okay to have different kinds of relationships with different genders, particularly when it comes to kink. participating in kink-related relationships, particularly when that entails having a cis man submit to you (in a consensual way), can be really satisfying, and can fulfill different needs that you may not be able to explore or enjoy romantic relationships. everyone is different and figures things out on different timelines, and i would absolutely encourage you to play around with various relationship formats and styles to see what suits you! things like this evolve over a lifetime, and you don’t have to make permanent decisions about how you want to play / date / fuck / love / whatever else. as long as you’re communicating clearly with your various partners and being safe, i think that having specifically designated relationships just for kink is absolutely okay – and if they consistently take place with men, that’s your business.
I am here to second everything Meg said and to affirm that you do not at all have to have anything figured out at 23 beyond what you want to explore at the present moment and what feels good to you now. You’re very likely going to change and grow over time and that’s okay! Part of what you’re doing now is laying the groundwork for understanding yourself better later, so, as always, staying safe and being respectful and up front with others is what matters most here. 🖤
Also, Drew, thank you again for your amazing essay about reframing how we put so much negativity around the penis as if these are not body parts connected to real people who are being harmed by trans hate and gender essentialism. As someone who suffered for years because of the entire personhood of the cishet man I was with and his behavior, not a body part. It was life changing, thank you! ❤️
Seconding Meg and Nicole.
I think one of the great things about bisexuality is the incredibly varied experiences that can live within it. It is very bisexual to have different interests and different relationship types with different genders, imho!
I know lots of bi+ people who have different romantic and sexual orientations (I think we have wonderful asexual and aromantic thinkers to thank for their insights here!). I think it is quite common to be bisexual and homoromantic, or the other way around or any other unique combination.
For Heather, I’d love to hear what pen/ink/paper combos you’re loving these days. :)
Lindsay! Thank you so much for asking me this! Will you tell me yours too?
For paper, no matter how many I try, I ALWAYS come back to the Rhodia dot pad. I just love the way it feels under a nib and it’s just the right balance between structure (lines, blech!) and freedom (blank page, aaahhh!). For inks, I just splurged on Jacques Herbin 1670 Emerald of Chivor, which really is as cool as everyone says it is. It looks like the actual ocean in a golden fantasy series. I’ve been eyeballing Colorverse Warped Passages, which seems like it might be a little bit too light to be an every day blue, but it looks so dynamic. I’m also thinking of asking for the Pineider Ink Alchemy Set for my birthday, but that also seems like it could become a rainbow disaster living with four cats!
Yesssss. Love Rhodia paper, and Emerald of Chivor blew my dang mind. Had not heard of the Ink Alchemy Set, but that looks wicked cool. I am taking a fountain pen break, but really loving the Mark Two from Studio Neat and the Spoke Pen with a Uni Signo DX refill (0.38mm blue).
Hello! Thank you for everything you do, Autostraddle is so important to me! When I was younger I came out as a lesbian but lately I’m noticing my attraction to men and feeling like a bi/pan identity fits my sexuality better. However, I’m really struggling with feeling valid in this since I’ve built so much of my identity around being a lesbian and being queer. Do you have any ideas for dealing with internalized biphobia and helping myself believe I’m still an important part of the queer community? I’ve seen a lot about people who identified as bisexual later realizing they identify more closely with lesbian identity, but I’m struggling to find perspectives the other direction. I’d appreciate any support, resources, or ideas. Thanks so much!
I know it may feel like more people go bi to lesbian than the other way around but TRUST ME you are not alone. Personally, I’ve been on a bit of a journey with this. I haven’t totally abandoned the lesbian label yet but more and more I’m identifying as queer first above anything.
I think the most important thing to remember is that these strict boxes around these various labels do not align with our history. People in various communities who use various labels have all had vastly different experiences. Sappho was bisexual for gosh sake! If bisexual feels like the label that feels best then embrace that! Like any label it’s about what feels most representative to you — it’s not about what you’ve identified as in the past or what experiences you’ve had.
One of my favorite things about being queer is that we can always discover new things about ourselves. Enjoy that! Like I’m trying to enjoy my recent fixation on the cast of Jackass.
Callie!!
You are not alone!! This is also my experience, and the experiences of many queer people I know.
One thing I think about often is how much our ideas of queer identity as people who are NOT cis gay men are shaped by the dominance of cis gay men’s experiences of sexuality and sexual identity. Of course, some women have experiences of identifying as gay/lesbian and always feeling that way and never wavering from that. But in my experience, cis and trans women and other trans people’s experiences are much more often more complicated than that. We are trying to make our desires and identities fit into a box that was made for people who are different than us! (I think we can thank the cis patriarchy for deciding cis men’s experiences are the norm, even in a queer context!)
I recommend reading lots of bisexual books!! (Obviously). Here are some that were important to me when I was first coming out as bi and newer favourites:
Bi: Notes for a Bisexual Revolution by Shiri Eisner
Sexual Fluidity by Lisa Diamond
Vivek Shraya’s work, esp. She of the Mountains
Kristen Lepionka’s mystery series about Roxane Weary
The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid
Cat Sebastian’s romance books — she often writes bi women in relationships with men. For example: A Duke in Disguise.
Greedy by Jen Winston
💜💙💕
For everyone: you all are fantastic and create such a needed community online. I appreciate you all!
My question is for Laneia. First, thank you for putting yourself and your story out there for folks like me to relate to. You are beautiful! At 41, I’ve finally embraced that I’m a lesbian, so I’ve recently ended a long-term relationship with a man. That said, we’re still living together because we own our house and I have a very low-paying job. So, coming out has been like a slow burn on a weak j. My kids are all teenagers now and I wish I had been able to realize this about myself when I was a teenager, for my sake and theirs. Have you got any advice on how to accept where you’ve been and what you’ve been thru because of compulsory heterosexuality? I’m working on building a new life for myself, which I’ve done before, but never with so much resistance.
Sorry, it seems that my question is rather heavy. For sure, part of me is celebrating with you all on your 13th. I’ve been a fan of this site since around then. Y’all fascinated me then and ya still do. Thanks again.
nic! i’m so excited for you!! to be very blunt, “how to accept where you’ve been and what you’ve been thru bc of compulsory heterosexuality” is something i deal with every day, in one way or another. it’s at the core of the therapy i’ve been doing every week for 5 years. it’s just really fucking hard to manage the guilt and shame and grief around those choices/outcomes. i think, for me at least and especially at 41, it’s even harder to make peace with the decisions i’ve made to this point, bc the time left to make new decisions feels suddenly and significantly shorter than it did just a year ago.
THAT SAID it’s entirely possible to make some peace, even if you have to keep remaking it in brand new ways until the heat death of the universe! the thing i do every day, sometimes multiple times a day, is forgive myself. it sounds so simple but i’m guessing you know it’s not.
you just have to forgive yourself. just keep forgiving yourself. forgive all the versions of you and all the choices she made and all the signs she missed. forgive yourself for having to forgive yourself again. you didn’t fuck this up, and you didn’t waste time — you lived. and now that you have this new information about yourself, you get to make other choices in other territories that you didn’t know were there before.
think about a hypothetical dyke who came out swinging in the late 90s, we’ll call her toni (bc that’s the name of a very hot bisexual i knew in the 90s and she had devastatingly long hair with perfect microbangs and looked like she was born in a record store.) toni knew she was gay so early! she didn’t have regrettable sex with boys in high school! she left her tiny hometown and moved to a big city where she met sarah. these two got along swimmingly — the sex was incredible, they looked so good together, laughed at all the same things and never watched fear factor or the bachelor; never served snacks and fresh beers to a husband and his friends during halftime; never had kids. they were together for all of their twenties bc it turns out that toni has a monogamous streak a mile long and a scarcity mentality. sarah definitely cheated on her but always came back. toni was definitely depressed but figured it would pass. they fought a lot but always made up. by the time it was finally over, toni and sarah had a small mountain of debt, a larger mountain of resentments, and a rather surprising number of books to fight over bc no one put their names in anything despite harry giving this crucial advice out for free in 1989 (toni never really liked romcoms and only saw when harry met sally maybe once, maybe.) toni is like OH MY GOD I WASTED MY ENTIRE 20S ON THIS PERSON AND THIS RELATIONSHIP!! AND WHAT DO I HAVE TO SHOW FOR IT?! toni is consumed by regrets, grieving an entire decade. how do people even date now?? toni does not know! who even is she without her?? again, no clue really!
toni would’ve spent more time with her sick grandmother if she hadn’t been so wrapped up in sarah’s cheating that one summer. sarah would’ve gone to grad school but toni couldn’t move because of her job, so that was that. so much regret !!!! so much to grieve. and all these two crazy kids can do is forgive themselves! for making the choices they’d never make now — not with all this new information they have, and this fresh view of an unknown life stretching out ahead of them. they didn’t waste their 20s by not making different choices, they just lived.
all of which to say! you could’ve done a lot of things differently. so could i. every queer person reading this sentence right now could’ve done so many things differently before today. but we didn’t. and it’s truly okay. we did the best we could at the time, with the information and experience we had. we really did try, and we really have no choice but to keep trying now, with the new info and the new days we get.
you did not fuck this up, nic. you did not waste time. you do know yourself — you can trust yourself. you’ll keep learning new things about you and you’ll keep being surprised by it all. if you’re very very lucky, you’ll let yourself keep changing and keep growing and never look back on what it could’ve been. your teenagers will learn that they should keep growing, too, even when they’re 41 in a bleak little world that sometimes feels like it doesn’t give a single shit about them. they’ll see you giving a shit about yourself and it will matter to them. all of this mattered and you’re ready for what’s next. you are doing hard things for the right reasons, and i’m honestly so, so fucking proud of you.
laneia 😭😭😭
“they didn’t waste their 20s by not making different choices, they just lived.”
well, i’m legitimately sobbing. thank you nic, for asking this question, and for being part of our community, and for supporting autostraddle. and thank you laneia, for this, for your whole heart, for everything. <3
❤️
hello! if i am trying to cook more at home and not get bored of it should i buy an air fryer or is there just nothing i can do in there I can’t do in my OVEN tysm :-*
BUY AN AIRFRYER! YOU CAN LITERALLY DO EVERYTHING IN IT.
!!!! also please feel free to recommend one if you like yours. there are one million!!!!!
I don’t have an answer to this!! BUT!! I have been talking myself out of buying an air fryer over and over again for the last 2 years, so I’m curious what people have to say!
i haven’t taken the air fryer plunge yet but DID recently get an instant pot and OMG IT IS THE BEST THING EVERRRRRR I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN DID U KNOW U CAN STEAM ARTICHOKES IN LESS THAN 20 MINUTES IN ONE BECAUSE YOU CANNNNNNNN
LESS THAN 20 MINUTES ?!! KAYLA.
i loved my instant pot beyond measure! but about two years in the lid got completely, entirely, permanently stuck shut and i eventually had to toss it after trying to get it open for MONTHS. it was so good before that tho!!!!!!!!
omg i’ve just been waiting for the right person to yell at me to buy either an air fryer or an instant pot. this feels like a sign.
Laneia, you don’t even have to choose: you can buy an air fryer and instant pot in one.
To answer @queergirl‘s question: there’s nothing you can do in an air fryer that you can’t already do in your oven, however, the convenience factor of an air fryer makes it so worthwhile for me. No pre-heating, no extra oil (in most cases)…just drop it in and go.
oh. my. god.
JOIN ME IN INSTANT POT LAND
I’m getting the feeling this question and it’s responses will influence the course of my Costco trip today
Hi and thank you for doing this! Also thank you for autostraddle generally.
Does anyone have any tips for conquering burnout?
This is going to sound very “getting back to basics” but… covering your base needs will help in the long run. Are you sleeping roughly 8 hours at night? Are you drinking a glass of water in the morning? Are you going outside every day? Is your laundry done? Did you take your meds? Eat at leas 3 meals? Do something PURELY for fun?
Ok that list already overwhelmed me (I stay on the brink of burnout), but starting with just ONE question on that list and doing it for just 3 days, then 7 days, then add a second question from the list, and so on, so forth. Before you know it, taking care of yourself will slowly become second nature and the rest of the burn out will start to mellow behind it. You’ll also develop a foundation from which to conquer the next, bigger things — do you have a therapist? Would you like to talk to one? Are you unhappy at your job? Is it time for a career change? Etc, etc.
And also if you can’t do everything on the list, don’t beat yourself up about it! Which is advice I need to take more on my own.
Anyway, yes, the best cure for burnout culture that I’ve found is starting with yourself and what’s in your control. Boring, but true.
HELLO! Cartwheeling in to say I’m not sure HOW I haven’t just crumbled into dust from burnout over the course of the pandemic, but here we are! My number 1 short and dirty tip is to remember, no matter how tired or listless you may feel, that active rest does more for your mind and your heart than passive rest. Active rest is doing things you really enjoy. You know what those things are! It might be time with friends, reading a really good book, going on a hike in a beautiful patch of woods, playing a video game that fills you with joy. What it tends not to be is scrolling social media, staring at the wall, watching TV you don’t really like, or hanging out with people who don’t fill up your cup with their energy. So, my number 1 tip is to prioritize active, meaningful rest with the time you do have. This can in fact be a little extra work, but it is so worth it!
Nicole! Or anyone else with gardening experience! I have gardening space for the first time in my life and I want to grow vegetables but am very intimidated. I have a front lawn maybe 6×10 feet (west facing, no trees) and a back yard (currently paved over, east facing but with a big maple tree shading it in the summer). I was thinking raised beds on top of the lawn and maybe just starting with a single raised bed for now. Can I plant peas yet? Should I put something easier there to start? Any hot tips???
YES love this question!
So, what you can plant and when depends on your first and last frost dates. Like, where I am, I’m not planting my peas until a couple weeks from now because I’m counting back 4 weeks from the last frost date, which is mid-to-late April. Luckily, there is a handy dandy tool where you can enter your location and get your first and last frost dates. (First frost dates are for fall planting reference).
Raised beds: A raised bed is a very easy way to get started! I do think you could just do 1 or 2 and have a lot of fun to start. The advantage here is, too, that you can put those just about anywhere and you don’t have to worry about the soil quality or testing for lead and heavy metals. As for the front yard / back yard thing…I would check your local laws because in some places it’s illegal to grow vegetables in your front yard. (Yes, this is as fucked up as it sounds.) I don’t want you to get fined! Generally, vegetables need sun, so you’re probably not going to put a vegetable garden under your maple, as an FYI on placement.
Peas! I think peas are very easy and I recommend them to beginning gardeners! You’ll need a trellis for them to climb, which you can make or buy. I recommend getting a variety of sugar snap to start because you eat those raw and don’t have to worry as much about when you pick them. Other plants I’ve found to be really easy are bush (green) beans. A bush bean just means it grows in a little bush and doesn’t need a trellis. You can also plant radishes really early and they are soooooo easy, as is arugula. I think that tomatoes are tricky, actually, because they can be fussy about how much water they get, but a lot of people grow them and they are readily available as starts at most greenhouses. Squashes can also be easy but ALSO tend to get a lot of pests. And I think that’s my rundown! Here’s the post I wrote with some recommendations on things to plant from seed this time of year!
thank you!!! I’m starting to feel like this is possible!
Oh and a library question! For the most part, school costs less elsewhere compared to the United States. Any advice for attempting to find a library science/archives program abroad?
Not a member of the team but a dual citizen US/UK librarian here who looked at both options, and for the UK at least there’s two things to consider. One, international students pay a different rate that’s about 2.5 times the domestic one, so while still cheaper not quite as cheap. Equal or more important, at least imo and that of an American who flew here to take the course, you’re getting what you pay for! She was not impressed with the bang for her buck, and as someone who did her undergrad in the US, I was also surprised at the lack of rigour in the day to day of the course. I loved some of my professors but the baseline required really surprised me eg ‘read this one article before next week’s class’ – ONE? Obviously you can go beyond that but it does affect the level of class discussion, etc. If rigour or more academic stuff is what you love that’s worth considering; my favourite professor and the one who demanded the most from the class was also the only one who had taught in the States…
Also not a member of the team, but I’m currently in my last semester at San Jose State University’s MLIS program and have managed to fund almost the entire cost through scholarships and tuition reimbursement from various professional organizations. lmk if you’d like to talk!!
Also not a team member but as someone in the librarian field, I see a lot of job ads that specify an “ALA accredited MLS/MLIS program” (ALA being American Library Association, of course) so if you have an idea what area of libraries you’re looking for, scan some job ads and see if that requirement is common in the jobs you want.
Ooh a library question yay!
First of all, yes, as someone below commented, whatever you do, go with an ALA-accredited school. In my experience, every decent librarian job in Canada and the US requires an MLIS from an ALA-accredited university program. I have some complicated feelings about the actual accreditation process but practically speaking you will not get a job / very likely will get bad quality courses if it is not ALA-accredited.
So I am Canadian and got my MLIS at UBC in Vancouver. Literally HALF of my class were international students, almost all from the US. Many of them told me that the UBC international student fees for the program were significantly less than in-state fees for programs in the US. (It’s particularly helpful that the US dollar is almost always worth more than the Cdn one).
A lot of them also said that UBC and other Canadian schools had better reputations than the American schools they’d considered. I don’t know anything about American MLIS programs but I’m sure they were telling the truth, at least about their experiences. Another important point I know is that you can use US student loans to pay for Canadian library school, since a bunch of my fellow librarians in training were doing that.
So I would overall recommend looking into Canadian schools! There are not that many MLIS programs. One is UBC in Vancouver; U of Toronto in Toronto; Western University in London, Ontario; Dalhousie University in Halifax; and a couple in the province of Alberta, one from the University of Alberta in Edmonton and one at the University of Calgary. I think that’s all of them??
UBC also has a Master of Archives program as well as a dual archives/library program. I’m not sure about the other Canadian schools but I imagine as least some of them do as well.
The great thing about Canada’s public universities is that, unlike the US, there are really no significant differences in educational quality between them. That said, I would look carefully at the schools and see what types of courses they have offered in recent years. (This would be relevant for US schools too). Some schools have a long list of courses on their website and then when you look at their recent offerings there are a bunch of classes that haven’t been taught in 5+ years, which means it may be unlikely they’ll be taught when you’re there.
The types of courses taught might make a big difference to you depending on what type of librarian or archivist you want to be. A children’s librarian at a public library needs very different courses than someone working as a librarian for a private law firm or someone wanting to be an art librarian at an academic library. Do you know what area(s) you’re interested in? More on the IT/software/library systems, or digital collections, or programs for seniors, or community archives etc etc. If you haven’t thought already about what direction in librarianship / archives you want to go, I would suggest doing some work! Maybe see if you can take some current librarians or archivists out for coffee and ask them about their jobs. If you’re undecided, at least you can try to pick a school with a variety of classes.
Good luck friend and feel free to email me stepaniukcasey [at] gmail.com if you have more questions!
Ooh thought of something else! It seems to be relatively easy to get a working permit in Canada for US citizens after getting a student visa, so if you are interested in staying and working after your MLIS that might be a factor to consider.
I’ve got a food-related question! What are your best tips for reducing food waste? Especially when living alone/cooking for one. I really want to cut down on the amount of food that I let go to waste, both for environmental reasons and to save money.
A quick list of some tips:
– Saving vegetable scraps and animal parts for stocks (lots of recipes and guides for what you can/can’t use out there, but here’s one: https://www.bowlofdelicious.com/chicken-stock/)
– If you have freezer space, freezing leftovers whenever you can! Sooooo many things can easily be reheated/repurposed and then it’s like having a surprise homecooked meal one day with minimal effort. One of my favorite things to freeze is leftover pasta and then you can turn it into a BAKED PASTA by throwing it in the oven with some liquid in the bottom to avoid burning and top it with extra cheese!
– If you don’t have the freezer space, a lot of cooked dishes will keep in the fridge for longer than you think. If eating the same thing multiple days in a row feels boring, leftovers can often be repurposed into something else. I save EVERYTHING. So for example, I made a hollandaise to go with steamed artichokes last night and there was leftover hollandaise, so I put it in the fridge and plan to make eggs benedict with it tomorrow! To keep things extra cold so that they maybe last longer, put them in the bottom drawer of your fridge if it has one.
– Honestly a lot of times “meal for one” recipes are not super sustainable or cost effective! It actually ends up being better to make larger scaled dishes and then either freeze/save leftovers OR give leftovers away! My mom was always good about like giving pretty much ready-made dinners and also baked goods to her friends who were going through hard times when I was growing up, and most of the time it didn’t even require her making something separate but rather just making a big batch of something easy to reheat like enchiladas or something and then delivering a container of it to her friends. I find with baking goods that it’s really hard to scale recipes down but then also — even with living with someone — we don’t always finish a cake/full batch of cookies. Giving out half the batch to friends is an easy solution!
Ditto to everything Kayla said! I find having frozen leftovers to eat later is a nice surprise!
What are some good websites (blogs that won’t try to sell me a weird online course, home decor, personal essays, cooking, being gay and femme, art, anything) that I can read at work to take my time back from the Man ™ that requires 8-5, but only pays for a 40 hour week?
agree with everything kayla said!! my tips are all produce related bc that’s what i’m most likely to waste!
+ again if you have the freezer space, i like to batch cook whatever’s about to go bad and then save it for later. this way a lot of prep work has been done by past-you! like if i have too many sweet potatoes and don’t know what to do with them? just roast them with olive oil s+p and then freeze them in single serve containers that can be thawed easily for lunch or whatever. sautee off those peppers in the drawer, steam the fucking carrots that i bought even though i actually don’t like carrots.
+ also freezer-related: if you’re the type to buy fresh herbs and then forget they exist until they’re a liquified bag of gross (me), you should wash and chop them up the day you buy them, then freeze them in a suuuuper tightly rolled (and therefore as devoid of air as possible) bag or plastic wrap. you can break off a chunk of frozen parsley or mint the next time a recipe calls for it!
+ JUICE IT. the bag of spinach has approx 4 hrs before it starts to get slimy and you’re definitely not going to cook and eat it, so just juice it with the equally doomed celery and an apple, and drink it. you can get a perfectly serviceable juicer for ~$100 which is a lot of money but not nearly as much as like a breville or whatever brand it is that’s also the price of a small yacht.
I personally use meal kit services (currently Hello Fresh but sometimes I try new ones when I get free box offers) for this very reason. They send me exactly what I need instead of me buying a whole bag of onions and not using them fast enough.
If you have pals in similar circumstances, do a big batch cooking hangout over Zoom and then trade portions of your dish- you get some leftovers variety and some nice friend time!
Hi Meg! This isn’t exactly about divorce, but I recently broke up with someone who has some toxic behaviors and a few fucked up beliefs (re: communication, not like, bigotry), but has a really good heart. I still love him, and I don’t know how to get over him. I’d also like to be his friend eventually, but I’m not sure it’s possible. Do you have any advice?
hi max! please feel free to correct me if i summarize this incorrectly, but it sounds like you ended a relationship with someone because you knew that it was the right decision for you, even though there’s still some feelings there – and that’s a really big move, so congratulations for doing a hard but important thing. putting ourselves first, especially when we are in love, can be really hard to do, but when we find ourselves in relationships with people who don’t share our values, it’s often really good for us to step back and put ourselves first.
in situations like this, i really believe that creating firm boundaries is the best way to heal, and to give you space to reflect on the truth of the relationship instead of just focusing on the emotion of it. unfollow or block this person on social media, remove his contacts from your phone, and don’t make plans to see or speak to him. (i personally don’t think it’s strictly necessary to have a conversation with the person or to ask for permission before you do this, as for me that’s usually just a backhanded way for me to justify having more contact with the person, but others may disagree, and this can depend on your relationship.) i find it helpful to put a time frame on this boundary (for example, four months) rather than winging it, as this helps me stay committed to the practice. with time, space, and distance, you may eventually be able to be his friend, but jumping into a friendship too quickly (especially when there are still loving feelings tangled up in there) is more likely to harm you and/or him than not. i’d recommend that you consider friendship a future goal rather than an immediate objective.
everyone is different, but you may also find it helpful to let a few friends know that you’re cutting off contact (both so you have people to support you and also to create a little accountability), or to make a list for yourself of the reasons that you chose to end the relationship. having reminders and encouragement that affirm your decision can be really useful, especially when things are still tender.
i hope this is helpful! 🖤
Hi everyone! I’m a few years out of a long marriage to a man where I shoe-horned myself into trying to look (and act) the way I thought a wife and mother should. Fast forward and I’m in a fantastic relationship with my girlfriend (who’s a good bit younger than me) and I feel I need some inspiration to freshen up my look – clothes, hair and shoes – but have no idea where to start. I find myself regressing to my 14 year old self or trying to dodge buying what my girlfriend currently wears. How the heck do I find my look as a late 40s-not-long-out fantastic human with no local inspiration around me? Any advice at all greatly appreciated!
I think one of the first things to do is just lean into what you wanna try. Who says that regressing to how you dressed when you were 14 is bad (did you wear converses, denim and graphic tees? Thats dope as shit and also cis men do it all the time and get away with it) and why not buy what your gf wears (maybe she has a sick sense of style and you switch up the colors and double your wardrobe at the same time).
Next – get rid of the thought of attaching age to your fashion, it’s not a thing at all, like, i promise you.
And now lets talk about the freshening up bit. go through your wardrobe and grab the pieces you LOVE, the ones you wear that you just adore how it feels how it looks etc. Take some photos in it and then you can either run it through google image search if you are a web shopper (or go out to stores if you’re more into IRL) and find updated versions of it. Maybe looking at some fresher colors that go with your hair color, maybe trying out a slightly different cut, things like that. The point of fashion is to feel good in what you are wearing for yourself, not for other people. and I love that you said freshen up your look vs. change it.
When it comes to hair, try to remember the style you had that you dig the absoulute most over the years. If you can find pictures of it, take them to your salon and tell them you love that cut and color but want a updated version of it and talk it through with them.
Another thing that might help this process is to look at a celeb who has style that you dig from your past/era and look up their style history, see how they evolved their look over the years and where it’s landed today, chances are they will fit what you are looking for as you refresh or at the very least can guide you in a good direction and can help if you have no local inspiration.
Don’t worry about the age gap between you and your partner and don’t try to live in their world (age) when it comes to that with style and stuff like, they want you to be you and wear what fits your style and vibe :)
I’m so glad to support y’all and be an A+ member and a part of this community. Thank you!
A question I’ve been pondering (hi hello you may remember me as someone asking about commitment and pandemic time at this time last year and then updating y’all on my engagement at a different ask us anything in the fall) is whether there’s a good nongendered way to refer to someone as an inlaw! My future mother in law asked me about this – I’m her kid’s fiancé/will be her kid’s spouse, but I’m wondering if there’s a term like daughter/son in law that I’m missing? Being nonbinary people in love is awesome but sometimes linguistically complicated!
I honestly feel like your mother in law can just use names “This is Corvidae, (insert your spouses name) fiancee!” People know that means y’all are about to be married and also know that means you’ll be part of their family as in law.
Also wanted to say that this is my opinion as someone who isn’t non-binary but I’m sure someone on our crew who is will chime in as well!
Thanks so much Shelli! That definitely seems to be the option that makes the most sense for now.
Laneia – Tips for raising boys to not be terrible men?
ahahahhhaaa this is the other thing i slog through in therapy all the time !!! truly something that keeps me up at night, the thing i’m most likely to doubt about myself, the ultimate question! i’m not even sure my boys won’t be terrible men, is the thing, and it does scare the shit out of me.
i’ve tried to write this reply for well over two hours and i think the best, most honest answer is that i’ve tried to show them (and teach them) empathy and respect, which i know sounds like such a vague copout but i really do think those values are at the root of everything i’ve done as their mother! but please also keep in mind that this ethos sprang from the head of a teenage girl in 1999 okay! who knows where and how greatly i’ve fucked up (i mean, we’ll all know eventually 🙂).
i also started talking about consent, safe sex, white and male privilege, abortion rights, and structural and casual racism from the very beginning. the hope was that if i just made these ideas, and the discussion of them, part of our family culture, and if i did what i could to also make our family something they enjoyed being part of, it would just… work? that wasn’t true though! i’ve had to reroute their thinking about these things so many times, bc youtube and friends and podcasts and the rest of the world are always there with shinier ways to reinforce white patriarchal supremacy. it’s a lifetime appointment and god it’s exhausting! like literally a daily nonstop conversation about how the world is set up to make it very easy for them to fuck over everything and everyone, and how vital it is for them to reject those opportunities.
alsoooo — and perhaps some development psychologists would vehemently disagree with this approach, but!?? — i’ve been (age appropriately) honest with them about some of the brutalities i experienced at the hands of white men and boys, and how those experiences still affect me now.
again though, i’m compelled to tell you that just last week i got into a days-long argument with my oldest that ended with him saying “you don’t understand — what’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done? how long did it take you to do it?” and me answering, with all the warmth of a viper, “nine months. now get the fuck out of my room” and slamming the door in his face, so!
we’re doing our best !!!
Long time lurker first time commenter here with a boring finance q for SHELLI or HEATHER or anyone else who has a thought about it. I have money in a savings acct that is obviously earning no interest because that’s how savings accts work now. I know I should invest but all of that scares/confuses me, so I’m looking for a financial advisor to help with that (and also generally tell me if I’m Saving Enough For Retirement, assuming society hasn’t fully collapsed by the time I’m 75? lololol).
How do I find a financial advisor who:
1. I can trust to not just run off with all my money??? (Not sure why I’m so worried about this; I work in nonprofit)
2. will charge me a reasonable and not unreasonable fee (I’ve had people tell me a flat monthly rate is better and other people tell me a percentage of the investment return is better. what???)
3. is a POC/queer/trans/all of the above person who ideally doesn’t work for a big soulless corporation, because I’d like my dollars to support QTPOC small businesses, IN KEEPING WITH TODAY’S OCCASION and also all the time. Quick googling got me to https://www.beintentionalfinancial.com/ , and I remember reading an article recently about the first financial planning firm started by a trans woman, but now I can’t find her. But even once I find QTPOC financial planning small businesses, how do I vet them through points 1&2???? (Which can be trickier with a small business, because the big gross corporationness of a big gross corporation generally ensures that they scam you officially and don’t just run off with your money, but small businesses could potentially do more fraud because they’re not being examined as closely???)
Thank you for parsing through this messy-ass question, for any info you can share, and for generally being great!!! Mazel tov on your Strad Mitzvah!
This is def a grown-up finance questions! So I am going to leave this one to @heatherannehogan BUT I think a lot of the answer will be to research!
Thanks anyway Shelli; have a beautiful day!
This is a great question! Stacy and I have wrestled with all of these questions over the years! It’s scary to just hand a chunk of hard-earned money over to someone you don’t know, and ask them to, you know, grow it and you’ll be back and 40 years to collect it. That’s some Rumpelstiltskin stuff. Luckily, there’s been a real push toward ethical investing and you can now choose even robo-selected sustainable mutual funds, of which there are MANY. What you’re looking for, I think, is an ESG mutual fund, which is a portfolio of equities and bonds that are selected based on sustainability scores and exclude companies and governments that have poor records on things like labor relations, pollution, donating to Republicans; and companies or sovereign governances who make like war machines.
And what’s extra cool is the more research that’s done on ESGs the more it appears that ethical investing is actually safer investing. Choosing securities that include companies that are serious about reducing their carbon footprint is choosing more stable companies; the less companies care about, say, the environment, the more volatile their stocks become. Nearly every major bank and investment company has loads of ESGs to choose from these days, and you can find how different companies rank on the ESG scale by just checking out investment company websites. FTSE Russell has really great info on this, and a very handy chart that breaks down how environmental, social, and governance rankings impact ESG scores.
In terms of companies to invest through, take a look at JP Morgan’s OpenInvest, EarthFolio, Ellevest, SVX, and Wunder Capital.
It blows my mind how you have so much knowledge and wisdom!! Thanks Heather!!
I also have spent a lot of time thinking about this!! And my answer won’t be as detailed as Heather’s, but I wanted to go ahead and plug Ellevest very quickly, as a woman owned (and designed for women) investment company: https://www.ellevest.com
Thank you Dr. Phillips, for this and all you do!!
What are some good websites (blogs that won’t try to sell me a weird online course, home decor, personal essays, cooking, being gay and femme, art, anything) that I can read at work to take my time back from the Man ™ that requires 8-5, but only pays for a 40 hour week?
This is an awesome Canadian feminist digital magazine that is just starting up again:
http://gutsmagazine.ca/
LOL I assume you mean… “that’s not Autostraddle” because unfortunately this is where I spend 90% of my day. HOWEVER! I also enjoy reading:
Critical Mass (this tends to run a lil intellectual): https://newrepublic.com/critical-mass
Bitch: https://www.bitchmedia.org
For cooking, Smitten Kitchen (a classic): https://smittenkitchen.com
For pop culture, Vulture: https://www.vulture.com
Also, for bookish related stuff but also personal essays, Lit Hub!
For more fluffy pop feminism stuff, I also sometimes read Bust!
Hello, I am seeking advice. I run a mildly popular wordle-clone inspired by autostraddle dot com, and now I live in constant fear that I will run out of five letter words to do with queer things and obscure references to ancient articles.
How can I manage this situation and also tell me more queer words!!!
I see queerdle has a “suggest words” box on the site. Have you looked into that?
@sally Is it possible to create a suggestion box? Where folks can suggest new words to add into your queer dictionary (queertionary?)? And then you can shout out the person who recommended it if their word gets chosen for the tirtl?
Sally! You’re doing important work running TIRTIL and I am definitely not going to follow this thread because that feels a bit like cheating.
My current TIRTIL first word is trans and I’m just waiting for the day I get it in one try.
Cleo, trans has already featured!!!
Hah! That actually proves the point that I decided not to make – that my memory is bad enough that I probably wouldn’t notice if you repeated words. (And now I need a new first word. Blast).
I also want to name the you don’t ever have to live in that fear, because we are all so grateful for the gift of TIRTL that it exists at all, and we even if you ever run out of words (you won’t! at least not right away!) we will still be grateful for it and thankful for all the work. you’ve put in behind the scenes.
Thank you so much for your service, Sally!
RIESE HELP
I got broken up with on New Years (who tf doesss that??) by my partner of 3 years and I am STILL SO SAD. What do I do!!! Help!! How do I get through this??
Lennon! First of all, it makes 100% perfect sense that you are still so sad and broken-hearted!! It’s simply March. You broke up on New Year’s. That is like… just a tad over two months of time since your breakup!
Three years of anticipating a lifetime with someone is a REALLY LONG TIME, there are so many ways in which your brain has to adjust to this new reality that it hasn’t yet, so many rooms and plans with sudden holes in them. it’s okay that you are still so sad. but you won’t be sad FOREVER, i promise — as per the best breakup advice you’ll ever get. if nothing else heals your pain (and I hope something else will!) find peace in knowing that time eventually will. If you don’t already have a therapist but would be able to afford getting one, I highly suggest it — because you can talk to your therapist about your broken heart as much as you want for as long as you want and it will be fine because she’s getting paid to listen to you.
for now; just take it one day at a time, and so much as you are able, identify an aspect of your life that you let languish while in the relationship or something you’ve never done before ever and get (back) into it, so you have a positive momentum going with something — whether that be work or a sport or seeing your friends or family or cooking or a hobby or artistic pursuit — something that feels like moving forward, like you are making a life for yourself that might lack them but has other, new cool things in their place!
i know you probably are yearning hard to have this person back, but one of the main things you need to have in common with your partner is a mutual interest in you — your health, happiness, well-being, your greatness! If they don’t see that then they were not the right person for you.
you’ll be ok eventually, i promise.
Nicole! Autostraddle’s fundraising is honestly really inspiring. How do you practice resilience when it feels like there is a lot riding on your shoulders re: paying these rad people and setting/meeting big financial goals? How do you shush the voice inside that says “you are asking too many times and people will be mad at you?”
Oh wow thank you and also what a series of questions!!
First of all, Autostraddle’s fundraising is inspiring because this community is inspiring! You all really do the most and are the absolute best and it’s incredible.
So! Resilience and big financial goals. Firstly, the most important factor here is that there hasn’t really been a choice! Our fundraising goals have really been set by our bank account and by the amount of money we knew we’d need to keep running and paying people without lay-off’s. So, um, not having a choice helps in a way because you just have to do it! I don’t think I have a good answer here besides that it’s important to thoroughly plan, like planning for our big fundraisers starts months out, and to be prepared to have things go off course, and to be okay with the fact that fundraising is about working together with a bunch of different people and we are all humans and that makes it messy! Also, I think that our resilience here is really grounded in what we’re doing overall, the mission here at Autostraddle and the people and community we’re serving. It’s easier to hold up against a lot of strain if you really believe in what you’re doing, and we do.
In terms of shushing the voice inside my head, I don’t really work on that! I let it scream and scream because it’s just in my head and what really matters is what people out in the world outside of my head are doing. The truth in the world-outside-my-head is that our community has chosen again and again to keep us here, and that means we’re needed and wanted and that our community members are choosing to make Autostraddle happen. I also just believe that most people understand that reader-supported organizations like ours have to ask, and that if you cannot give, that you’ll simply ignore the ask! (And this belief is backed up by research.) We never ask people who cannot give to help, we have never restricted the entire site behind a paywall, and in fact, you can get a free A+ membership courtesy of other A+ members, even, if you need to. The day may come where we’re no longer needed or where readers can no longer support, and on that day, the voice in my head that says I’m asking for too much will be right. But I also hope that day won’t be coming anytime soon!
Basically, *I* don’t have to shush the voice, it’s shushed by all the amazing queers who routinely come together to make something that we ALL want very much to be a reality, a reality. That’s inspiring and miraculous and hard work, and I’m always so appreciative and in awe of what everyone here is capable of!
Hello!!!!!! Happy birthday to AUTOSTRADDLE. I am here five minutes late because I was washing my hair which always takes slightly longer than I plan for.
Excited to catch up on the morning’s questions and answer any new ones!
Drew! This is not a question, it’s just a note to say that you’re simply the best. I don’t remember AS without you and your incisive wit and cutting smarts!
I love reading TV recaps and the other day I read your drag race recap outloud to my gf and then did the Vulture one too and my gf was like OMG the AS one was soooooO much better! And I was like IKR! That’s Drew!!!
Thank you !! I appreciate that so much !
I’m just here to add that Drew’s Drag Race recaps are better than literally every other one out there, and they’re the ones I send to my group chat, too.
Question for Drew: I don’t want this to come off as though I’m trying to promote a thing BUT I’ve spent the past two years working on this and I’m really hopeful you’ll take a look at it? Let me know whether it’s worth a signal boost bc I’m super hoping it’ll help some businesses/orgs: http://www.beyondbinarycode.co.nz 💕
This is so interesting!! Will absolutely be bookmarking to read more later.
Question for Drew: please tell me the secrets behind your beautiful, luscious hair!
Just to clarify: I mean details behind your hair routine!!
My biggest secret is washing it once a week with Bumble & Bumble Bb Curl shampoo and conditioner! That’s pretty much all I do except getting it damp on all the other mornings to reshape it. AND I get it cut at a salon that specializes in curly hair. (Shoutout to the Virgo Salon in LA that is, in fact, run by a Sagittarius.) (His mom is a Virgo.)
This is for anyone who has children and anyone who doesn’t but might want them in the future. Maybe Laneia, Riese, Vanessa?
I went to get my fertility checked today at the gynaecologist. She told me that everything looks fine and if I want to get pregnant she sees no reason why that won’t happen for me. Which is obviously wonderful to know, but I’m feeling so many conflicting feelings. I don’t know if I want to have children because of a variety of reasons including but not limited to: My finances, my mental health, my lack of a wider support network, the terrible world we live in and my love of time to do whatever the fuck I want without constraint. All of these feel like pretty compelling “don’t have a kid” reasons. But somehow??? part of me still wants it. I work with kids and sometimes I find myself crying a bit in the bathroom because I feel so overwhelmed with affection and desire for my own. But can that feeling ever outweigh the cold hard facts that tell me that it’s a bad idea? When will I? Or how will I make peace with not having kids? Or how can I know that it’s worth the sacrifices?!
I think one of the hardest things about being a queer person who wants to parent and isn’t in a relationship with somebody who could get them pregnant “naturally” is the pressure to pick the *right* time, whereas couples with all the equipment to make it happen accidentally are often just out there frolicking about randomly having children at all kinds of inopportune times. 45% of all pregnancies are unplanned! every day, so many ppl get pregnant unintentionally and keep it despite every single aspect of their life being completely inhospitable to the presence of a child! equal rights means queers can also choose to parent at inhospitable times, i think.
because like, if it’s a bad idea for you to have a kid, who is it a good idea for? wealthy, totally sane people in happy steady long-term marriages who own their homes and have jobs with great paternity leave? cuz eventually i think all parents figure out a way to fuck up as parents regardless of the scenario their children were born into. and has there ever been a point in human history in which any of us could look around and say “hey, this would be a great world to bring a kid into!!”
what one must ask oneself is ultimately this: what if the right time never comes? i think if you have a realistic plan to get your finances and mental health and support network into a place of stability and serenity, then do that plan and then see how you feel after that. or maybe give yourself a limited period of time in which to explore how you could adjust or change your life to more comfortably fit a baby into it, and at the end of that time period, make a choice. or you could maybe just start the process of figuring out what your next steps would be to get pregnant, and check in with yourself at every one of those steps to see how you’re feeling about it all. and maybe the answers will come to you as your progress.
my parents didn’t plan to have me, but they sure did make it work.
if you do decide to have a kid, i think you’ll be really good at it and you’ll find a way to make it work no matter what the circumstances are. i really do believe that.
TW: Slight assault/abortion reference.
Feel like this is a dope question to answer while I’m on my way out <3
I don't have kids but I def want them, I go in and out about carrying them on my own because well, I have been told I'll have some fertility issues and have been told that since I was in high school actually. I did get pregnant from an assault and that pregnancy ended up being ectopic (which I found out while scheduling my abortion).
I recently (last year) went to go and get my fertility checked and was told that I have all the bits and pieces to have a kiddo but there is a bigger chance that it could be a really harsh pregnancy, that it could be harder to get pregnant and that there is a chance of another ectopic.
So, after all that being said — I still very much so want children. I am so happy for you that your appointment went well and you received such good news about your odds! and I also understand the conflicting feelings.
For myself, I often wonder not just about finances with children but also how the change in my body could affect my mental health, wondering about bringing kiddos into this wild world, wondering if my partner will love my changing body after, and wondering if my body will even allow me to carry and have a healthy pregnancy and child. I also wonder if the pregnancy I did have is gonna be the only one my body will ever take.
I used to nanny, and I have had many a moment where after the most perfectly sweet and chaotic day with the kiddo where during their nap I cried. Wondering if I'd ever be able to be a mother having these days with children or if being a nanny was as close as I'd ever get. I also cried wondering if I should even try, worrying if I should "interrupt" my life that I love by having children — and then crying because I felt bad about thinking that.
But after all that, after all that pain and those tears and those overwhelming thoughts....my answer was always back to yes.
Will it be trying both physically, financially and mentally for me? YES but that's nothing that I can't handle with some beautiful planning on my part. Is the world terrible and do people in it suck and is the the earth high key falling apart, yeah, but do I still want to have a child (in any way, adopting, carrying my own, surrogate, whatever) YES. and people may think thats selfish but the world has been falling apart forever and thats not a reason to not go on with life. Will I mess up as a parent. PROBABLY AT MULTIPLE POINTS but I'll try my hardest to be the best mummy I can be to make those moments few and far between.
It sucks because as a cis-woman (speaking for myself), sometimes time is of the essence but your question as to "When will I?" I feel like you will just know and you will take it from there. and as far as making peace if you decide not to have them, you will just know then as well and also with things like adoption available and so many wonderful children needing love and a home you can always go that route if you change your mind.
I can't answer your question on how you will know if it's worth the sacrifices, but I can answer that for me—I just feel like it will be. I have always wanted to be a mummy and now (because of beautiful personal things I won't get into) I want them more than ever.
Conflicting feelings will forever be part of life, and you can take your time to figure out what you want to do. Don't beat yourself up or worry to much about all the things that come with this decision, this might sound hippy dippy but I think the biggest advice I can give you is follow your heart.
It's what i plan on doing and I think its going to work out just fucking beautifully.
Hello Kesiena!
Fittingly I am late responding here as my baby had a doctor’s appointment this morning and the doctor was very behind already somehow at 1030am!
My baby Jimena just turned 6 months old. I was so worried before I got pregnant that I wouldn’t be able to, especially considering my age (I’m 37). I magically got pregnant the first cycle my partner and I tried!
(Caveat that my partner is a cis guy which made things unbelievably easier — although I have 2 cis woman friends the same age as me with cis men partners who have been trying to get pregnant for over a year. Fertility issues are very common!) I am so happy for you that you got good news from the gynecologist! But now you have the freedom of making a choice instead of your body choosing for you, which is a different kind of difficult.
I really hear you on logically knowing reasons you should not have kids but emotionally wanting to so badly. I still feel the same way and I already have a baby! So I guess I would say if you are waiting for all uncertainty or mixed feelings to go away, that is not my experience. But I also don’t think that means you can’t go ahead and have a kid anyway!
For me seeing and talking to other parents who have similar conflicted feelings has been really helpful. It’s like knowing other people are doing it having the same concerns gives you permission to do it as well. At least that’s how it was for me. Is there an online or in person queer/trans pregnancy and parenting group where you live that you could check out? I have found them so helpful! I wish I had joined before getting pregnant! I get those folks would be happy to talk to you!
I agree with Reise that the pressure of picking the right time is heavy as a single queer person. Having survived the first 6 months of parenthood, I would say the most important factor I would recommend having in place is a support network.
This could look a lot of different ways! My partner and I have had so much support from both our parents, and our siblings, and an online queer parenting group I’m in. I think without the support of my mom in particular (taking care of Jimena so I could get sleep while my partner was working) I would be in a much worse place.
If given family isn’t an option for you, do you have chosen family or good friends? I know a few queer people who are co-parents with people who are not their partners which is so cool! One of the best things about being queer is we get to reimagine relationships in the way that works for us. You do not have to have a romantic partner to have a co-parent. As someone with only 1 co-parent, I recommend as many parents or caring involved people for a kid as possible!
One last thing, re: making peace with not having kids. I am so grateful even in the 6 months of Jimena’s life for the love and support from her aunties on both sides. You can have intimate fulfilling relationships with kiddos in your life — like my sister and sister in law — even if you are not a parent. Keep that in mind.
Much love to you on this journey! 💜💜💜
i always worry i’m not delivering things like this with a gentle enough hand but ! it’s been my experience that no one is ready to have children, not ever. at all.
you’re not ready. the person who had you wasn’t ready. even if you think you are, you’re not !!! there’s no way to prepare for it entirely; no universal checklist to consult. it’s going to be the shittiest, most amazing fascinating horrifying devastating miraculous hilarious soul-sucking thing you’ll ever do and you will love it!!!! and you’ll hate it! and you’ll love it!
i was a naive idiot with no job, no money, no education, no real desire to even have children (!!), no idea what i was actually doing. i was wrong about a lot and right about a lot, and i think the worst part — like maybe the only genuinely bad part — was not having enough money. more money would’ve made things so much better — groceries and clothes and a nicer apartment yes, but also sports equipment and gymnastics and swimming lessons and prescription glasses! money was really the only truly hard thing. but if you asked either one of these weirdos if they felt like their childhood could’ve been materially improved with swimming lessons, they’d both tell you no, that they were perfectly fine and to please stop worrying about it! now are they right about that? who knows!
anyway everyone else gave real and beautiful advice and i agree with them! follow your heart!
everyone has already left such incredible answers that have made me feel sappy, loving, grateful, overwhelmed…
i am not sure what to add.
i wanted kids my whole life. i wanted to be a MOM my whole life. with or without a partner, i wanted to have a baby. then the pandemic happened and i was living alone on the opposite side of the country from everyone i love and i was like “omfg i cannot possibly have a baby.” but now i’m back to living in portland, with my extended amazing chosen family, and i’m in love with a girl who also wants kids and i think we’re gonna get married, and it just seems like… well of course i’m going to have a baby. like others have said, it’s not that things are perfect or the time is right or anything like that — it’s just that in my heart i want to have kids and i think i’ll be a good mom and i know i’ll do my best and sometimes my best won’t be good enough but i’ll keep trying and that’s really all any of us can do.
there’s a beautiful essay by cheryl strayed in Tiny Beautiful Things where she gives advice to a man who isn’t sure which way his life should go re: kids or not and she talks about the ghost ship of your life you didn’t choose, because sometimes making a choice inherently means choosing not to choose the opposite choice, and all we can do is stand on the dock and wave to the ghost ship and know that it could’ve been a good life but it wasn’t our life, at least not this time around. does that make sense? i think you just make a choice and then you exist with that choice. we never know if the other life would’ve been better because we never know what the other life would’ve been, not truly, not really. we just jump and hope for the best, every day until we die. <3
Vanessa, Laneia, Riese, Shelli and Casey. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. These were so HELPFUL and beautiful. If I end up getting pregnant I will really look back on your words as a turning point. So thanks😭
I have a question for Drew…..
As a trans actor (actor used as an all inclusive term for performer) though pretty much exclusively stage atm, I find myself thinking about and navigating the dynamics of gender in roles a LOT, and I was wondering what are some of your thoughts on trans actors and the characters and work they find. Not just the obvious “trans characters should be played by trans actors”, but what about trans performers playing cis characters? Playing gender nonconforming roles whose identities might not exactly match their own? Playing their AGAB? And what about the concept of “passibility” and how it influences what roles trans actors are considered for and even what roles they seek out?
AlSO (if you’re comfortable and only if you’re comfortable) how did you and Elise meet and can you tell us more about the dogs in the pics you’ve posted?
<3
My main feeling is it depends how the actor feels. I think trans actors should play whatever parts they feel comfortable with even if those roles are for characters with their AGAB. I mean, if the role is a trans woman it probably shouldn’t go to a trans man unless the creator is trans and doing something experimental but re: if a transmasculine person should be able to play a more binary trans man then absolutely. That’s actually something that really bothers me — when this distinction is made between binary and non-binary. Obviously it’s case by case and depends what is needed for the character but I would like trans actors to placed in less boxes, not more.
Of course, passability impacts the roles actors can get. As does, if you’re androgynous in a way a creator associates with genderqueerness. I think in my ideal world there would be more trans characters who had a deeper understanding of gender variance and would feel less strict about a lot of these things.
Elise and I met doing Gaby’s Make It Gay Live Reads! The first one we did together was Clue when she had a picture of boobs taped to her shirt to play a French maid and the second was Ocean’s 11 when she was in full drag to be Scott Caan — chest hair included. We followed each other on Instagram and casually flirted for like a year before I asked her to Facetime. That was almost a year ago! (March 15th is the one year anniversary of our first [virtual] date.)
Hello! (Shelli, Drew, or anyone tbh.) I’m considering going to GayAsstrology this weekend — big gay dance party in LA — and have no idea what to wear or do while out at my first queer event in this pandemic. My style’s normally kind of casual/androgynous/comfy, and I don’t know if I should be dressing up or down. Has anyone navigated masked/unmasked gatherings of hot strangers in the last two years? Please help.
Omg I’m so excited for you! I miss GayAss so much.
The great thing about GayAss is there is SUCH a range in how people are dressed. This may sound corny but I really think you should wear whatever makes you feel best. I like to dress up for GayAss but that’s also because I like having a fashion moment. But you can also absolutely pull off wearing your favorite sweatpants. Truly whatever makes you feel best!
And to answer your other question I have not been to many hot stranger gatherings in the last two years but I miss it so much and want to soon !!
I’m excited and hearing that everyone is dressed in a mix of vibes is very comforting. Thank you so much!
Kirby! I LOVE GayAss! I’ve actually been to the new venue it is 75% outside. If you wanted to stay outside the entire time you 100% could because they set up a bar on the outside portion and they put porta potties outside. I would say dress warm, especially because it’s been a little chilly in LA lately.
I also agree with Drew, though. I’ve shown up in a whole moment with glitter and hot pink eyeshadow and I’ve also shown up in a t-shirt and biker shorts so it really depends on your mood.
I’ve been to a few events with masked and unmasked hot strangers and all I can say is that I get sexually very overwhelmed haha. It’s really a lot to take in, so I usually end up choosing an outfit I KNOW I’ll feel comfortable in because I know there will be a lot of stimulation and discomfort (in a good way).
Ooh thank you! LOVE the fact that it’s primarily outside and the note about the weather. Let me remember to actually check what the temperature is going to be. Does the outside portion have any heat lamps or is it strictly based on body heat and hope?
Also, I love the enthusiasm that both you and Drew have for GayAss. This’ll be my first time going. Mentally preparing myself to be overwhelmed like you said haha.
Happy birthday Autostraddle!! Thanks for making me gay!
Question for Heather – extremely basic, but how do I get into following the WNBA? I’m in love with every WNBA player I’ve ever learned about, and I’m very competitive so I’ve always thought I’d make a good fan, but I didn’t grow up in a family that followed sports so I have no idea where to even start!
@emdee I’m sure Heather’s going to jump in and offer some great advice but I wanted to chime in with some of my own.
If you’ve been learning about players and loving them, then you’re already most of the way there. Most of the WNBA fans I know don’t have favorite teams as much as favorite players and they build their fandom around that. For me, the Mystics are my team — and have been since they drafted Holdsclaw back in the early days — but I cheered on the Sky in the playoffs because I love Candace Parker and the Vanderquigs. Heather loves the Liberty but few things get her more excited than Arike firing up impossible shots for Dallas.
As to how to get into following the WNBA, I’d suggest a few things:
1. Start right now by watching women’s college basketball. There are some great seniors — NaLyssa Smith at Baylor, Rhyne Howard at Kentucky, Naz Hillmon at Michigan and Elissa Cunane at NC State — who are going to lead the next great class of rookies in the WNBA. Get excited about them now and you’ll already be invested when they’re drafted into the league.
2. If you’re on Twitter, check in regularly on the #WNBA or #WNBATwitter hashtag and interact with other fans. Follow WNBA News Breakers like Howard Medgal (@howardmegdal), Ari Chambers (@ariivory), Khristina Williams (@Khristina) and Rachel Galligan (@RachGall).
3. Go to a game. There’s no better way to fall in love with the W than going to a game.
This is exactly the answer I would give! The only thing I’d add is get some WNBA merch. Every time I leave my house in a WNBA hoodie, I get someone commenting how awesome it is, the W is, women’s basketball is. It always makes my day! Natalie also of course gets at the heart of what really makes the W special and that’s that people build their fandoms around what they love, most people aren’t really just into one team, and for the entire summer you just get to be immersed in a group of amazing people cheering on 144 women and non-binary athletes! You also get to make great friends. There is just about nothing that gets me as excited as watching and talking about basketball with Natalie.
Thank you both so much!! This is exactly the concrete advice I was looking for – very excited to start the journey!
A question with no good answer – yet – that I know of. I came out at 58, which, from pictures and contents I think is older than your typical demographic. As if there could BE a typical demographic. What a traumatic relief. No more trying to look and act like a man – after 8 years and a move to Western Mass, I am part of the lesbian community. But as much as I’d like a simple lesbian identity, it’s more complicated – and among younger people, I would be identified as queer. Given my history, well that’s fair. I am sex-positive but at an age where I’m more into cuddling and making out if an appropriate situation arises. Well, the estradiol helps a lot: sex is a desire, not a need. Most of the lesbians I know are cisgender. I still pee standing up (yes, retaining one aspect of male privelege, though in the single-occupancy restroom if I can and the “ladies” if I must). So – what’s my question? It’s a vague one, I suppose. If I were under 40, folks understand “queer” and even “lesbian-aligned queer”. Above that age, well, no one is gender queer, for the same reason I didn’t come out till 9 years ago. As Adrian Rich put it – if you don’t see yourself reflected in the world, you can’t figure it out. And I was already in my 50s when Kate Bornstein and Julia Serrano and Judith Butler etc were writing. But like Lucinda Williams (oh, gosh, she’s so wonderful I wish she wasn’t hetero) said “don’t I need all of this and PASSIONATE KISSES from you”. There’s no “you” to give me those kisses – and I really want to beleive there might be someone in the world who would like to share passionate kisses. A bisexual cisgender woman friend told me that within the continuum of bisexuality, that yes, there are some that would actually enjoy a “two for one” deal. OK: a REAL question…it would be great (for me, anyway) if there were a regular contributor writing from a “senior” perspective – no, although I can write, I don’t think I am the one to write it. Not deep enough into the community. Might there be someone around to write it? I go to tea dances, and the music is all unfamiliar (my first concert was early Jefferson Airplane). And yes, I myself am “phallophoboic” – and anyone slinging those kinds of words around needs a re-education in consent!)
For what it’s worth, I would also love to have more older contributors to Autostraddle.
Same!
Hey y’all!
Do you have any tips on how to pick a new first name? I’ve been wanting to do this for years but it’s hard to land on anything.
I think Ro has talked about this before?
EEEEEEEE I don’t know but I’m here to say that I feel you? I have also wanted to do this and simultaneously not done it! One thing I’ve been doing though is that I named my Stardew Valley character a name I was thinking of adopting to see how it felt, and that’s been helpful. Maybe the takeaway here is to take personal time to try on names by yourself, in ways that feel good to you, commitment-free to see how they feel. You also might be able to try with some close friends, with the knowledge that you could always not go in that direction and that picking a new first name doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing one-and-done thing!
i don’t have specific advice but! names (statistics, meanings, use over time, who’s been named that, vibes, etc) have been one of my interests and hobbies for fully two thirds of my entire life! i have it on good authority (my sibling) that i am good at naming things and people
also i lied my specific advice is to 1) read so much, i love nameberry and their forums in terms of trans friendliness/open to renaming adults, tho it is a parenting and baby name site 2) try out your top candidates! make a dating profile under a potential name, use it at starbucks, ask a friend to call you that, use it as your discord name, etc etc. it’s one thing to have a list of emma, sophia, and ella, another to realize that sophia being called out in a crowded room doesn’t actually catch your attention (though ofc that’s learned and not actually a good example). don’t discount the vibes/gut feeling of it all!
A long long time ago I remember doing a survey for older (35+ from memory) autostraddle readers as you were planning on creating more content for the demographic. I assume this was before Kaelyns series on queer parenting. Or around that time.
Anyway, my question is what happened to the plan? Did you struggle to find writers? Or did you find that actually your audience skews younger so that’s who you’ve targeted? Or something else?
I realise this could read like a dig, not a genuine question, but really I just remember being excited that this website where I spent so much time cared about the changing needs of the audience as we all grow together and I wondered what happened with that plan.
Hi Rose!
I remember the survey you’re talking about! It was from our memory either 2014 (that’s Riese’s memory) or 2016 (that’s my memory, but we should trust Riese on this). I remember being just on the cusp of my 30th birthday and still a reader, not yet writer, on the site.
So! I’m going to answer this with both a short version and a long version, if that’s ok!
The short version of this is: We actually write most of our content for straddlers over 35. Heather is over 40, Riese is 40, and I am 35. We are still the three most prolific writers on Autostraddle, according to our most recent annual report. That means the people who write the most of this website are over 35, and the age of the writer is the perspective of the content, you know what I mean?
We also have been more explicitly writing about more “adult” themes lately, in addition to Kaelyn’s excellent series on queer parenting that ran for years but actually wrapped in early 2020. More recently, Heather’s been writing more and more about aging bodies this year (all of it, excellent! She had some gorgeous meditations on aging tucked into her And Just Like That recaps, and she wrote a really moving response about aging breasts in yesterday’s roundtable on “Feelings About Our Chests.” We ran a really popular piece last fall about getting on dating apps in your 60s. Laneia’s recent piece on her divorce from last month is hands down my favorite thing we published this year. Period.
We also are in the early stages of planning a theme week/series from the perspectives of queers roughly over 40 to potentially run this year. So there’s also that!
Autostraddle is aging because we’re aging, and there’s signs of that peppered throughout our content just by the mere fact that we’re the ones writing it.
Now here’s the potentially longer/deeper version of that answer:
Something that has really fascinated me as we look at demographics of our readership (we have another big reader’s survey coming up in a few months!) is what does “older” or even “younger” content look like/feel like and what I’ve come to realize is its all a matter of perception.
Autostraddle is perceived as “young” but in actuality, we don’t have any writers in their early 20s — we only have a handful of team writers in their 20s, period, the majority of our writers are between like 27-35, the majority of our senior staff is over 35. In fact when Kayla and I put out our most recent call for writers we had to explicitly list “people who can write about college queer culture in your 20s” on the list, because… we don’t have anyone who can reasonably cover that beat anymore!
Also, as Laneia and I were just joking about yesterday, AS has actually been teased as being elder/millenial culture in certain segments of TikTok, but we also got a solid chunk of writers applying who are in fact still in college and still reading us! So again, perceptions aren’t always realities.
On the flip side of this, when I started mapping out content that prioritized some “older queer” content and I planned it as “queer content for people in their 40s” until Nicole pointed out that our oldest A+ members are actually in their 60s! So again, here comes perception into play. If you’re in your 60s, content relevant to people in their 40s is actually still young.
So a lot of this does also boil down to our own expectations or perceptions as readers (or as writers and editors). Autostraddle is somehow both simultaneously “too young” and “too old,” depending on where you are coming from. And trying to meet everyone’s needs. Which is perhaps fitting for our 13th birthday, very much Britney Spears “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman” vibes.
I hope one of these two pathways of thought helps to answer your question!
I love this response Carmen! I’m also just noting that I said we had a not insignifcant number of A+ members in their 60’s. I don’t want anyone in their 70’s or 80’s to think I’m not including you!
But yes! I also just wanted to follow up Rose and ask because it is all so subjective, but in your opinon, what would content for 35+ folks look like? Similarly, I’d love to hear from anyone else reading who wants to jump in on that! I do think, though, considering what I’ve heard from the editorial team on what they’re planning, that we might have some content coming up this year that will be really appealing to people in their mid-late 30’s and older!
When I was writing my comment I was also wondering what content for those of us in middle or later life would look like and I didn’t know the answer to my own question. I also realise that Heather, Riece, Laneia and I are all basically the same age, so autostraddle is inevitably from a similar age space.
I’m currently pregnant, so at quite an odd point in terms of my age and what I’m feeling about life experiences etc. so maybe that’s partly behind my wondering (though actually queer early years parenting is covered reasonably well on the internet already).
As someone who’s 35, I will say I would appreciate more reflections on queer parenting. My kid is just a little younger than Kaelyn’s, and I consistently found that series super applicable. I understand and respect why it ended, but I would really appreciate related content. Maybe also stuff about the process of setting down roots and taking on leadership roles in our local communities? Maybe that’s only age relevant in my head though…*shrug*
Parenting content is definitely something we want, too! It’s so hard to find someone who wants to write about parenting, though, for all the reasons that Baby T-Rex ended, because there are so many questions about the privacy of the kids involved and everything there. Rest assured, however, that we are constantly on the lookout for parenting content and if anyone can in fact write about it, we invite you to pitch us <3
That second part you said, about putting down roots, being leaders in local communities, is really interesting! I am going to tag @floralprintdress (Vanessa) because as Community Editor, this seems like her beat!
Happy birthday Autostraddle!
What do 35+ year old queer singles/couples after work and on the weekends that do not have to do with bars/clubs?
Will A-Camp come back in 2023?
Speaking as someone in a couple, I feel like…dog stuff lol. Hikes, parks, meeting friends for coffee and also dog play-dates. My partner and I both have creative practices though so whenever we have free time honestly it’s just time to work on writing or if you’re her, music. And then when not doing that we are working on fixing the house? This is not a lot of being present in social spaces, but also it’s been a pandemic and we would in fact be at the queer dance party after a day of doing demo on the house if it were not for Covid.
Coupled person here! Pre-kid: gardening, eating out, reading/writing/drawing, potlucks, hiking (also dog stuff!), live music, farmers market!
Post-kid: kid everything lol, although trying to pick back up hiking/walking, gardening, and farmers market soon
Back in the before-times, I’d go to out to a coffee shop or wine bar with colleagues after work and then go out to events (book readings, concerts, sporting events) on the weekend, but after two years of living in a panorama, it’s hard to know which of those is worth the investment (esp. as someone not particularly interested in having a relationship).
Great question! Does A-camp get a lot of people in the 35+ demographic? I am also looking for ways to expand my queer community, but a lot of events seem geared towards people in their teens and twenties.
have you considered jigsaw puzzles and baking cookies
Riffing on something Laneia put in the newsletter.. 🤔 What food+sound epitomizes you at age 13? Like, if hear+smell+taste this combo, you are transported back to your teen days 😁
I think for me it would be french bread pepperoni pizzas and the sound of the Rosie O’Donnell show theme music. The ultimate in afterschool luxury and relaxation!
A Carl’s Jr. Western Bacon Six Dollar Burger (how did I ever put these in my body??) and early Fall Out Boy.
glazed chicken + rice frozen lean cuisine meals, the “go, now, go!” at the beginning of my so-called life, and the smell of noxzema
Love this q!
My dad’s staple dinners for smell, ie spaghetti or pancakes/breakfast for dinner and two albums: Jagged Little Pill by Alanis Morsette and Brandy’s self-titled debut.
Cheez-Its and a Clearly Canadian
the smell of Fuzzy Peach from the Body Shop
“Go, now, go!”
tysm I love all these answers 🥰
WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE CLEARLY CANADIAN RIESE.
(mine: peach)
A peanut butter and jelly sandwich (still my favorite comfort food tbh) and the sound of AOL loading on my modem.
Question for Drew: Can you recommend a good Euphoria complication video(s) that would get me lots of good Rue and Jules scenes without a lot triggering stuff relating to mental health and drugs?
Ugh I wish I did! Probably because I’ve suffered through the episodes, I haven’t delved into the fun fandom stuff! But if you find anything, share it because maybe I’ll just watch those instead of season three.
So I actually watch all my Rue/Jules content via YouTube compilation videos!! I’m going to link an account here. BUT I will say, even in compilation, avoiding triggers for mental health and drugs in Euphoria is unfortunately an un-accomplishable task, because… well, that’s the main point and thesis of the show.
Here’s my favorite Youtube for Rules!
Season 1: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLNW2nX1DqgayiWI88OTa_JmGG8mztseB7
Season 2: Ok I can’t find an easy playlist but if you type in rules scene 2×01, 2×02, etc… they pop right up!
Thanks Carmen!
KAYLA plz tell me how you cooked an artichoke in your instant pot last night
Slice off a little bit of the top, add 2ish cups of water and a big squeeze of lemon to an 8qt instant pot, put the artichokes stem up on the roasting rack of the instant pot, cook on high pressure for 15 minutes, 5-7 minute automatic release and then manual release and THATS IT!!!!
LIFE CHANGING THANK YOU
Happy birthday Autostraddle! What’s one film/book/tv show that you loved when you were 13 that you would still recommend today?
The Red Shoes was my favorite movie when I was 13 and it’s still one of my favorite movies now. It’s so, so special to me.
Harriet the Spy by Louise Fitzhugh!! One of the best books of all time!
my so-called life obviously
i wonder if quantum leap holds up
star trek the next generation
friends (sorry)
ellen (i know ellen is over now but it was a really good sitcom!!!)
sister sister
I’ve been watching the reboot so I revisited Fresh Prince of Bel-Air recently…and it’s still funny.
Girl, Interrupted. Hands down.
Laneia – I just want to say you are truly special and I always appreciate your support. <3 -Brandi
brandi !!! i’ve loved you for years and it’s been a gift each day 💛
thank you for always being here — something i never take for granted.
Question for anyone: what is the worst thing you’ve cooked recently?
Lol love this question. I recently tried a new instant pot recipe for cajun sausage and beans, except I did not have dried beans (nor did I have 4 hours to presoak them) so I tried canned beans and adjusted the water amount but it was still way too watery!! I sort of saved it by eating it with a lot of rice. Do not recommend replacing dried beans with canned beans, or perhaps if you do, omit almost all the water the recipe calls for.
I made some “incogmeato” chicken nuggets the other day but I was late for a meeting so I just burned them instead of cooking them properly. Burnt fake meat wow!
Let me tell you, I made this recently burned reheating a pizza to a point where it was no longer recognizable (I had been on the phone with my health insurance company) and I wept — literally, wept! — so hard.
i messed up KRAFT MACARONI AND CHEESE!!!!!!!! i cried. it was a whole thing.
welllllll i have this very sad snack that i turn to when everything feels like a bruise and i wish i was still in bed: pre-sliced gouda between two (2) small corn tortillas, microwaved for 30 seconds (flip halfway through, obviously), topped with flake salt and tapatío. and LISTEN normally this is fine and no one needs to know that i’m over here microwaving corn tortillas and gouda, it’s FINE.
but last week?
last week i just assembled this snack and ate it cold. didn’t even microwave it. that’s how ‘no, i cannot’ i was. and unsurprisingly, this made me EVEN SADDER.
i’m fine today but that was tough to come back from.
So… real talk for Heather: Have you noticed any meaningful improvement in your condition since it started? And how have you been managing not being able to do things that were important to you?
My partner and I have been suffering from what our doctors now believe is Long COVID for four months now, with no end in sight. We never had a positive COVID test or noticeable acute symptoms, but the only explanation that makes sense is that we both had asymptomatic cases that triggered long haul symptoms. To be completely honest…I’m at the end of my rope. I used to love the outdoors, I was a musician and a writer, and I haven’t been able to do any of those things since this began. This has made me feel trapped in my own body, much more than I ever did from being trans. My head swirls with creative ideas that I can’t express because I haven’t the energy to sit in front of a piano or pick up a guitar; even lying in bed with a laptop to write is incredibly draining. If this doesn’t improve, I honestly don’t know how I’m going to cope with living the rest of my life like this.
I know you’re not a therapist or a doctor, but you’re the only person I know who has actually lived with this debilitation and seems to be….okay-ish at least? Is there hope for me? Sorry if this is overstepping the bounds of this thread.
Thanks <3
Ah my friend, I am so deeply sorry that you’re going through this. It’s been two years for me and I honestly still don’t know if I have the words to fully describe how scary those first many months were, and then how much of a grieving process I’ve been through since then. My heart is with you. The most important thing I think is to tell you that I have gotten SIGNIFICANTLY better at managing my LC. When I think back to what the first months were like or read back in my journal, there is nothing but terror, anger, raw fear, and deep grief there. I have this vivid memory of being in a doctor’s office about four months after I initially had Covid, and I was so exhausted and fatigued just from taking a car to the hospital and the elevator to the floor I needed that I was slumped down with my head on my arms in my lap. I kept seeing all these doctor and nurse and patient feets walk by and it seemed to me like they were moving a million miles an hour. They were just regular walking, but they were going so fast compared to how I could move at the time I couldn’t even wrap my head around it. It made me so desperately sad. I thought my life was over, I really did.
Now. I am not the person I was, physically or cognitively, before I got Covid. I can’t ride my bike anymore (for now). I still struggle with fatigue and brain fog. I struggle excessively with verbal communication. My body has been hijacked with autoimmune issues (POTS, Hashimoto’s, pernicious anemia). My occupational therapist says my brain is working like I’m recovering from a stroke, in terms of language, and that makes perfect sense to me. I have lost friends, I have family, I have lost professional relationships. However! Despite it all, I think that I am genuinely happier than I ever have been in my entire life, because the past two years have forced me to examine every area of my life and prune ALL of the stuff that isn’t serving my best interests or needs or desires. I have struggled to say no for 40 years, and now I have no choice, and learning to say no has changed everything for me. I’ve learned how to ask for help, and in learning to ask for help I have learned to be more vulnerable with the people I love and my relationships that remain have grown. My relationship with my wife is stronger, happier, sexier, sweeter, funnier, deeper. I am 44 years old and we’ve been together over 11 years and just this month we have discovered something about our sex life that has leveled us up in such an exciting way, and it’s all down to being forced to talk about my body and my fears!
I struggle. Last week something happened at work that was such a blow to my confidence and I couldn’t stop dwelling on it because it existed at the intersection of my disability fears and aging fears, but I worked it out in therapy this week and I feel like I actually addressed something even deeper. I miss my bike so much it makes me heartsick. And I miss my friends and family. But there is still so much fun to be had in my life, so many good things and good people. I’m different but I’m learning to love this version of me too.
If you want any specific medical advice, please feel free to email me. I don’t want to bombard you here.
I just want you to know that I know this is so hard and demoralizing but I really believe you can learn to manage it and still live such a full and beautiful and peaceful and fulfilling and happy life!
Thank you so much; I will email you!
Riese, have you watched Inventing Anna yet? I remember reading about this in TIRTIL a million years ago and I want to hear everything you think about this miniseries.
(And also anyone else who wants to weigh in!)
Great question, @laura-m. I’d love to hear Riese’s take on it.
As for me, I was nervous about delving into Inventing Anna…I love a Shondaland production but the accent was a lot…and I had to push myself not to give up on it early. But ultimately, I enjoyed it. I thought Alexis Floyd gave a great performance — though I wish they’d explored the Neff/Anna relationship more…why did Anna give her her money back? — and I hope it opens up more opportunities for her.
As I watched it (and later, (Tinder Swindler), I think my first instinct, like most people’s was to be like, “how could anyone fall for this?” or “how can they keep supporting someone who’s obviously a fraud?” But then, I thought back to this bit of dialogue from Imposters (a fictional show about a similar topic): “For a successful con, you need a willing mark. We wanted every single lie she told us.” That was definitely true for nearly everyone depicted in the film.
yes i have!!! i liked it, i think! it was hard to watch with just like a totally normal clear mind about it without thinking about my own book that i’m writing and where it is similar and different — the arc of episode 5 was very familiar to me.
in general it felt like very pure shondaland, which i will always enjoy, although it dragged a bit at times, and i did want justice for vivian’s patient husband. i did feel by the end like the writers of the story got a little swindled by anna themselves, tbh? but again, that’s hard for me to comment on because ultimately i do know what it’s like to be really close to someone who tells really brutal lies but you love them despite that? and honestly i appreciated that they didn’t try to explain why she did what she did because i think most pathological liars like that really can’t explain it. the real story is in what happens to everybody they touch. it’s about the lies we tell ourselves and the things we desperately want to be true.
Any Recommendations for style inspiration? Favorite Websites/people to follow?
On Instagram I enjoy these people’s take on fat femme fashion, very colourful and fun!
https://instagram.com/hkpmcgregor?utm_medium=copy_link
https://instagram.com/cynaragee?utm_medium=copy_link
not sure what your gender presentation is, but i LOVE following nicolette mason: https://www.instagram.com/nicolettemason/ and former autostraddle fashion editor lydia okello: https://www.instagram.com/styleisstyle/
Hi everyone! Vanessa, any cotton undie recommendations for me a person w a large belly who HATES how high waisted every plus size article of clothing is now…. So like, 3x sized down on my hips, no harsh band, verysoft?
And Heather, how concerning is it if my cat is breathing/ panting through his mouth?
Thanks! ☺️
hi! ok I FEEL YOU, i love a high waisted moment SOMETIMES but i often just want my belly to be FREE. i have to admit, the underwear i love and wear every day is EXPENSIVE, but it lasts for years and years even when i wash it and put it in the dryer (not true for many undies of my past) and it is truly so comfy and imho worth it. i’ve written about it on the site before but i don’t remember where so i’ll give my lil’ spiel again!
here it is: https://www.natori.com/bliss-girl-brief/
it is not specifically plus-size and only goes up to an XXL, but the sizing is very generous – i typically wear an 18-20 in pants/underwear, and the L fits me well. it’s not 100% cotton but it’s pretty damn close (6% lycra) and as someone with frequent yeast infections and vulva irritation, i find this is a great option for me. no harsh band, very soft, LOVE THEM. i hope that helps!
Hi, Katie! You should probably have a vet take a look! The panting especially warrants a lil vet visit. It’s honestly probably something as simple as allergies, but also cats are masters at hiding their pain or illness symptoms (evolution! it’s wild!), so if he’s showing even just a little bit of anything, it’s always worth a look!
Hi all! This is directed to anyone on the team who feels they have thoughts/advice to contribute… I’ve been married for over a decade and became aware in recent months that our relationship is emotionally abusive. I confronted my wife about it and feel assured that it was not intentional and that it mostly stems from a lot of unresolved trauma in her life. I love her and I have hope that we might be able to work through this and rebuild something healthy, so while I suspect based on prior advice columns that many of you might suggest that I leave the relationship, I am committed to staying at least for the time being while we see how well we are able to address our issues through individual and couples therapy.
A big challenge for me/us is that we’ve been living with these unhealthy dynamics for so long that knowing how to recognize GOOD/HEALTHY behaviors is not as intuitive as it may seem. I have enjoyed the red flag/green flag columns and would love to hear from you all about what green flags you look for in relationships.
Also, I found In the Dream House to be a tremendously helpful read — it really validated my own experiences and made me feel less alone. Are there other books (or other media) you know of that speaks to the experience of emotional abuse in queer relationships?
Thanks for your help, and for the wonderful gift of community that this website provides!
I found Dream House so validating too! I’m glad it resonated with you. I’m gonna think more about other books too.
One thing I can say off the bat is a red flag is when there are aspects of your relationship that you feel like you have to hide from your friends or family because you are scared what they would think of your partner or your relationship if they knew the truth of it. In my own personal experience and in that of friends who’ve had emotionally abusive relationships, the post-breakup spill of everything you didn’t say at the time tends to be heavy and shocking and so sad. even when i thought i was being honest about how bad it was, i wasn’t, i don’t know if we ever really are
i agree with riese and i’m so sorry you’re realizing this and have been living through it.
i will say, if you don’t want to leave the relationship and if you feel that your partner is open to working and growing and changing her behavior, i would recommend a really solid couples therapist. this doesn’t always work, because tbh A. if a partner is abusive and manipulative they can be charming to the therapist or simply lie to the therapist in which case you end up feeling crazy and worse, in my personal experience, and B. oftentimes by the time we get ourselves to couples therapy there is too much resentment on both sides and a breakup is coming, no matter how hard you try to claw away from it.
that said, i have experienced really really good couples therapy, and i think it’s POSSIBLE with a lot of genuine work on both sides that a relationship can move out of an abusive dynamic. but i am still inclined to encourage you to consider leaving. either way, i am really rooting for you. <3
hey i held off on responding to this bc i was like “they’re going to couples therapy! that’s all i would advise anyway!” but i keep thinking about you and i want to say that what you’re embarking on — both of you — is life-altering work that will probably feel selfish or selfless depending on the day, and has the potential to be some of the most important foundational shit you’ll do here. LIKE NO PRESSURE but i just wanted to say that!
i really think that couples therapy will help y’all establish a shared language and radar for those dynamics, and a language for asking for support and also giving it. i don’t know that there’s anything more important than a shared language when it comes to healing and rewiring entire systems.
my green flags right now are shared values and vociferous buy-in, curiosity about EVERYTHING — meaning no one is so sure they’re 100% right, actually, like they really want to hear the other person’s take. like the other person’s take is vital to making an informed move on this particular relationship situation. because otherwise what are we doing, and do i really value you as my person if i don’t want to hear you out? now this comes with a massive caveat that obviously sometimes no, you don’t need to hear them out again bc they already made this particular take crystal clear, and so you’ve already heard them out and no, you don’t agree. and then you get to make a move based on that intel.
but i’d say curiosity — just naked curiosity — is my greenest flag.
i really will be thinking of you often and i hope that’s not weird and i hope you update us if you feel so called!
I just want to thank all three of you for your wisdom and encouragement. To Riese’s point about all the things you don’t share with friends and family while you’re in an abusive situation, I have been feeling quite isolated while I try to be judicious about not oversharing details that might irreparably damage folks’ opinions about and acceptance of my wife. So I appreciate being able to share honestly with y’all, particularly since it seems that you all may be able to empathize due to your own experiences. Laneia, your comment gives me some hope because I do feel like we’ve been meeting each other with curiosity in the time since I confronted her… we’re working hard on asking the tough questions and being vulnerable even though so much trust has been eroded.
Is there a private messaging function on this website and if so, would you be open to connecting with me that way? I feel fairly anonymous and protected behind the paywall of this supportive community, but this is still a pretty public way to talk about a personal and sensitive topic. I would be interested in updating and perhaps some further conversation/advice on this topic, but only in a more private context. I likewise don’t wish to be weird/creepy or overstep appropriate boundaries, so please feel free to disregard!!
Happy Bat Mitzvah, Autostraddle!
Cute first date ideas if I’m cooking? Also, how to be blunt and clear that it’s a date/ask if it is, without being ~awkward~? (It feels like we may have been on like, friendship dates(?), in the ~before times~ but we have not seen each other since and like… help on the confidence to be less weird about this would be appreciated. Thanks!)
Did this make any sense? I have loved you all since day 1 and will love you forever!
Just ask!!! Christina and I started this: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/wait-is-this-a-date/id1578808424 primarily to encourage queers to just ask.
My biggest advice would be that you don’t have to have confidence to do this. You can ask for clarity while being awkward. Some people will even find that charming!
@drewgregory1224 I’ve listened to your podcast since the start but still needed some encouragement… And tonight I literally sent her the podcast to ask the question. Now it’s a date! And you have a new listener!
For me I would ask if it is a date / state my intention that it is over text beforehand!
Also for any special occasion I like to cook anything that can be ready ahead of time or just like staying warm in the oven (soup, lasagna, casserole). Anything that you have to perfectly time or it’s overcooked is a bad idea for a cooking date imho!
Ok my secret hack first date cooking recipe (and I really use this) is actually just pizza? Most people don’t know this, but almost anyplace that makes pizza (like a local pizza place or a grocery store, not a national chain like Dominoes) will actually just sell you the dough.
And the dough is basically the whole situation, you can have restaurant pizza AT HOME with almost no effort. Get a ball of dough (you can literally ask for “one ball of dough, enough for one pizza”) and let it sit out at room temperature for like 1-ish hour. Stretch it on a olive oil coated baking sheet (I like to also dust it with cornmeal if I have some in the house, not necessary).
For the date: prep sauce or use it from a can if you don’t trust your cooking skills, buy a bag of shredded mozzarella and ask what toppings your date likes ahead of time. Then you can make the pizza together, which is fun and interactive and will feel original.
Put pizza in oven for roughly 15 minutes at the highest temp your oven will go.
Take out, cut into slices, eat with the beverage of your choice and a good salad. Brownies for dessert.
—–
Ok if you don’t want to ask around for pizza dough, this is my favorite dough recipe: https://www.howsweeteats.com/2011/11/whole-wheat-autumn-apple-pizza/
This is my favorite sauce recipe: https://smittenkitchen.com/2013/10/lazy-pizza-dough-favorite-margarita-pizza/
For toppings, you can cook any vegetable on the pizza raw if you cut them small enough. Meats like chicken or sausage should be pre-cooked (they won’t be in there long enough) but pepperoni can also be raw. If you pan fry some small cut up garlic ahead of time and through in mixed in with the cheese, you will no be prepared for how good it is. If you want fresh basil, only add it RIGHT BEFORE YOU SERVE or it will turn black.
Never fail, so simple brownies that take only as long as a box mix but tastes 5x better: https://smittenkitchen.com/2012/08/my-favorite-brownies/
I just got off the kind of day at work where you don’t even pick up your phone 🤦🏻♂️.
Heather, did you already explain the wnba?
I hope Heather explains it enough that we can have an A+ WNBA Fantasy League.
NATALIE.
I would…. so join a WNBA fantasy league. Just saying.
Yes! Me and Natalie did! Let us know if you have any more questions and please tweet us about basketball!
OKAY ROUND TWO:
– HEATHER: WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE ENRICHMENT ACTIVITIES FOR BOY CATS WHO GET TOO NERVOUS AND STRESSED OUT AND GET UTIS?? SHOULD I GET THIS NERD A LICKMAT???????
– CARMEN: SHOULD I GO *BACK* TO GRAD SCHOOL??? IS THE THIRD TIME THE CHARM???????? ALTERNATIVELY, WHERE’S THE BEST SPOT IN THE CITY TO HANG OUT ALL DAY AND GOSSIP
– RIESE: WHAT TV SHOW SHOULD I WATCH WHEN I WANT TO CONTINUE FEELING JUST AS DEPRESSED AS I AM BUT NOT WORSE OR BETTER?
– DREW: WHAT MOVIE SHOULD I WATCH ON A DATE IF I WANT TO WATCH HALF BUT THEN BONE ABOUT HALF-WAY THROUGH AND NOT GET FOMO?
– CASEY: WHAT’S THE BEST BOOK/AUDIOBOOK YOU’VE READ DURING A COMMUTE IN THE PAST FEW YEARS?
also here’s a birthday playlist you’ve earned it
Excellent question.
Depends what vibe you want but here are some thoughts…
Atomic Blonde — action! the plot is nonsense so it’s okay to miss stuff
Clouds of Sils Maria — artsy and talky, the first half is better anyway
The Feels — perfectly pleasant indie romcom
Mommy is Coming — this is basically just porn directed by Cheryl Dunye so…
Summertime — it’s just like very French and gay and pleasant
Vita and Virginia — it’s not great but it is a movie
When Night is Falling — I like this movie’s vibes!
oh we’re watching the porn.
MOMMY is COMING?!? yeah we’re watching that one.
ARI!! 💖💖💖
Ok so first — I think the fun thing about going (potentially) back to grad school is you can always leave again if it doesn’t work! And in the meantime you get to learn more deeply about whatever topic is giving you that itch right now. The biggest concern from that perspective is of course increased student loans, but you’ll know this already — once you rake up past a certain point, all that money is fake anyway. I can’t pay back my loans before I’m dead and I have actually googled “do student loans go to your family after you died” so that’s the kind of debt that looks like. You’ve probably already made peace with it, I know I have. If you miss classroom learning, because you can learn anywhere, but that specific style of learning — and have something you want to explore deeply, you should do it. And do it with the knowledge in your heart, and the freedom that this knowledge gives you, that you can leave at any point and that is absolutely OK.
IT IS OK.
But here is the flip side of that, grad school wrecked my mental health in ways that I have never recovered from and we are now 4 years after my degree. It created depths of depression, doubt, anxiety and insecurities in me that I truly didn’t know were possible and are now going to be my lifelong companions. SO! Even when I miss it, and I do miss it, I feel like my brain doesn’t get stretched and exercised the same ways anymore and sometimes that is very mournful for me… I know that personally I couldn’t go back. I wouldn’t be able to find it a “fun, let’s dig into this topic deeply” experience. I know that I wouldn’t grant myself the permission to leave if I saw myself deteriorating. So I couldn’t do it.
BUT I think that with the right mindset, and ability to give yourself the permission to take what you love out of the experience and absolutely leave the rest, it’s still worth it. I also think you specifically are brilliant and you have a lot to give — however you choose to exercise it or give it.
This is going to be a surprise coming from me because I’m terrible at exercise, but my favorite place to hang and gossip in the city is actually just to get lost and walk. My personal favorite walks for gossip purposes are: Lower East Side, get off at Essex-Delancy and wind your way up to Houston; the hazy grey area where SoHo meets Bowery (get off at Broadway-Lafayette and walk your way down to either the 1 or the A/C/E on Canal street; or Union Square over to the Highline (also the Highline itself! But during off hours because it can be a real tourist trap). I also love walking through: Farmer’s Market at Prospect Park in Brooklyn (Prospect Park in general); Central Park starting at the MET; and BAM walking into Fort Greene Brooklyn because it really does feel like a Spike Lee movie, even if it’s very gentrified now. Every Whole Foods in Manhattan has a “cafe section” that’s surprisingly quiet and great for caching up, as long as you like buy a bottle of water. Strand Bookstore is a free classic.
I’m very corny so I also used to love dragging my friends to “tourist things” — the best views in Manhattan are the top of the Rockefeller Center, not the Empire State Building, because you can actually see the Empire State Building from 30 Rock. They sell “timed passes” to the the Top of 30 Rock for tourists, but in all of my years in New York no one ever checked, so once we got up there, we could stay literally all day and talk. It’s usually too busy to stay and enjoy, but I think there’s nothing like the lights of Times Square if you grew up loving Broadway (corny!! I told you!). The most impressive free views are the Staten Island ferry, I could do that ride all day.
Oh and Highbridge Park in Washington Heights! GORGEOUS VIEWS. Eat your way down 37th avenue in Jackson Heights! PLEASE. Either Brooklyn Bridge Park or Sunset Park would be my last two suggestions to round out the list.
CARMEN all of this is so good and sweet and earnest and omg I’m going on a WALK soon! also i work off the 1/ACE in soho so even more reason for me to take a long ass walk in the middle of the work day
and grad school…thank you. i just MISS the classroom you know? (you know) Something good I am being reminded of in the real world though, is that classrooms are everywhere and i don’t need jstor access to get into real juicy stuff. maybe if i say this enough it will hold me off for like 3 more years
Yes, I do know!!! I miss it too.
And LOL I still follow jstor on twitter? And a fuckton university presses, so I know when the sales happen? Some habits cannot be broken. A Duke University Press sale is forever.
Great question!!!
Better Things
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Vigil
Elite
generat+ion
Wayward Pines
Special
The Sex Lives of Collee Girls, maybe
Trigonometry
Oh my gosh you should definitely get a lickmat! Also a treat ball if he’s good at solving things! Dobby loves a treat ball, all the other cats are, um, less smart to figure it out.
he is…not bright, but is very treat driven and LOVES when i throw them across the hall and he can chase them, so I’m gonna do it!
oh okay also part b: do you have a good vet in queens 👀
Love the enthusiasm! Also great question!
Audiobook favs include:
Kindred by Octavia Butler (classic that was so good as an audiobook reread)
Any of Samantha Irby’s books (so funny in her voice!)
The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid (made me cry!)
Black Sun by Rebecca Roanhorse (4 voice actors, one per character, Indigenous actors for Indigenous coded characters)
Libba Bray’s YA historical fantasy series, starting with Lair of Dreams (one actor does all the characters and she is mind-blowingly good, you can’t even tell it’s the same person!)
wait babe where is the birthday playlist am i being incompetent i can’t find it????
@Carmen, how did you know that you didn’t want to pursue academia anymore? Asking as someone maybe about to apply to a PhD program, but feeling like this is what I have to do because it’s all I’m good at.
Ok! So I actually went into my PhD program because I thought it was all I had to do, because being a student was all I was good at. Like explicitly, these were my reasons.
Please keep that in mind when I say this next thing, because it’s going to sound harsh: Do. Not. Do. That.
That was absolutely, unequivocally, the worst decision. Here’s why! When you are in a PhD program, you are really only there to do one thing: Learn an intensely, boarding on unreasonable amount, about a very small subject. That’s it. It’s a very expensive (though, if you’re going to a PhD program, at least the first five years should be covered by the school, if it’s not do not go there) micro training program.
I thought I’d learn how to be a better teacher in my PhD program, I did not. I thought I’d learn about other fields or skillsets, I did not. In a PhD program you will learn how to read, write, and research — skills that you presumably already had to be able to get into the program in the first place.
That said! IF you go into a PhD program because you’re feeling like that’s all you’re good at (again, been there!), I would recommend prioritizing and making room for the following:
1) Make room to explore other avenues that might allow you to showcase what you are good at — I loved being nerdy about pop culture, I found another way to do that! You might love researching and find a path in demographic work or at a museum or a million other things. If you love reading, you might go into publishing or becoming an editor or so many options, I’d follow Jennifer Polk, PhD on Twitter (@FromPhDtoLife) because once you’re in your program, there won’t be a lot of advice or encouragement to explore other avenues. You have to make them for yourself! And you should! Because…
2) You should use your time in a protected, mostly paid for, program to figure out if there’s anything else you might want to be doing and try it out. When I was in my PhD program, another queer person I knew a year ahead of me took a paid semester sabbatical (my university offered one of those per 5 year stipend) to find an internship and turned that internship into a full time job as a brand consultant. Was it a shrewd move? Yes. But he also essentially got paid to job search. The was his exit plan. I “slow walked” the end of PhD, finishing probably two years later than I should have, because I used at least 18 months of that time actually freelance here. And this turned into my full time job. I would have gone into worse debt, with higher paybacks as a freelancer than I did using my student loans to cover me. Also it allowed me to stay under the university’s health insurance instead of having to find my own while being broke. Those are two examples of how to use your time in a university to explore what might be best for you! (And maybe you’ll LOVE being in academia and you won’t need other avenues, but just keep them open)
3) You’ll learn a lot of valuable “soft skills” in a PhD program, so pay attention to those! In addition to time and project management, you’ll learn invaluable management and communication skills. You’ll learn how to research any topic and stay adaptable. You’ll learn how to manage difficult personalities to get what you need and want. All of those are vital.
Ok but this wasn’t actually your question!
My honest answer to “how did you know that you didn’t want to pursue academia anymore” is that I knew probably in the first semester of my PhD program that something wasn’t clicking for me like it was the rest of my cohort. So that was the first thing. The second thing was probably around my 4th year (??) when my best friend said nonchalantly about the hours that grad school consumes that — if you aren’t spending 70% of your time here, you are doing it wrong and I WAS HORRIFIED (though to be fair, I probably now spend 60-70% of my time and Autostraddle and love it, so he may have had a point here). But I didn’t give myself permission to leave at those warning signs, if you pursue a PhD program you absolutely should. give yourself permission to leave.
Ultimately, I finally accepted that academia wasn’t for me when I was left with a life-altering depression, which pretty much made the decision for me. I recommend… not waiting that long to make a change!
Ok and since I gave a lot of “don’t go to a PhD” advice, I also want to say this:
If you can think of anything, anything else at all, that you’d like to do with your life instead of getting a PhD — you should go do that. BUT if you can’t, take my advice above. At least stay through whatever is your program’s “Masters Level” because then you have a Master’s Degree you didn’t have to pay for! Which is useful! You’ll know that academia is right for you if you find yourself enthralled and excited by your research project, as if time stops for it and there’s nothing else you want to do. You’ll either have that passion, or you won’t. Let that be your guide.
just going to second all of Carmen’s advice re: doing anything else other than a PhD if it seems even remotely imaginable to you
I loved my PhD and still work in academia, and I absolutely agree that you should not do a PhD just because you don’t think you’re good at anything else. It’s not too late to start something you’ll get good at! Doing a PhD is hard and stressful and you don’t earn much money, so it’s really only worth it if you love it. If you don’t love it, just apply for some different jobs and talk to loads of people about what they do, you’ll 100% find something else that you’re good at. There’s so many jobs in this world!
a fatness question: since march 2020 I’ve gotten quite a bit thiccer, and also stopped wearing bras, like, basically ever. this is good stuff obviously, but my question is, now the skin on the bottom part of my breasts and the skin where my breasts sit is kind of irritated and has a spotted colouration? so my question is, what is the best way to be nice to this skin that is touching other skin most of the day? (that doesn’t involve wearing a bra to “keep ’em separated,” as The Offspring would say)
This is a great question. I work from home so I rarely wear a bra. I’m nice to my skin by showering with lightly scented soaps and really indulging in great skin care. Get yourself a nice Shea butter, mango butter, or cocoa butter based body butter/lotion. Or you can make your own so you know exactly what’s going into it. After a shower with your skin still kinda dewy, really rub whatever butter you got goin on in the areas where there is rub and discoloration. Your body will thank you!
i looooove dani’s suggestion. i also rarely wear a bra these days and especially in the sweaty summer months, i can experience irritation in that area you’re describing. this sounds silly but honestly when i’m just hanging out by myself at home, i often fold the fabric of whatever shirt/dress i’m wearing under my boobs to kind of give them some “alone time” from the other skin even though i don’t wanna wear a bra. also sometimes i just lift them up and away from the skin and lie on my stomach with everything separated for a little (like i’m doing right now on my bed as i answer this question, lol). you can also invest in a body glide style stick (i really like the Megababe brand) to rub under there to prevent chafing before it happens. i’m currently on the lookout for some kind of powder product that will soak up extra moisture in that area and also where my thighs and my crotch meet, but i don’t wanna use baby powder (because j&j sucks and also for the smell) so i’m still looking. but i hope some of those ideas help and inspire!
Really gonna second Vanessa’s fabric suggestion! You can tuck a handkerchief or sports sock under your boobs (one or two depending on length) and change out when it gets sweaty. Helpful even in a (no wire) bra!
Very much here to “third” the fabric under boob suggestion!!! I should level up to Dani’s level.
I love these suggestions from Dani and Vanessa! One powder that’s worked for me is the Silky Underwear powder from Lush. Honestly any gentle powder would probably work, but this one was recommended to me and it’s very gentle. I also don’t wear a bra because I simply have no tolerance for that anymore. Something a friend of mine who works in cosmetics recommended to me is to use a gentle toner (like the kind you would put on your face) on my whole body. So once I get out of the shower I splash toner on my hands and put in all over, and then I put gentle lotion or body butter on. That’s made a huge difference in irritation.
omg em i’m literally gonna buy that powder right now, thank you for the recommendation!!! <3
Heeeeey….come out and play! Lol anyway I have this big time, mega babe thigh stick anti chafing works well for irritation prevention, pacifica deodorant wipes if the area needs coolness or refreshing, more frequent showers in the summer, etc are some things that help.
Hi, I hope everyone is having a nice day.
Question for Em: Can you share any general advice on how to make friends online? I don’t feel comfortable going to in-person events because of the pandemic, and I’ve tried to connect with people virtually, but to no avail. I should add that I’m quite shy and socially anxious, which probably doesn’t help.
Question for Carmen: This technically isn’t baking, but have you ever made domplines (Puerto Rican fried dough)? One of the only memories I have of my abuela is when she and I would make domplines together when I was a kid.
Questions for Dani Janae: Can you share any advice or general words of encouragement for early career Black and Brown queer women and femme writers who are struggling with imposter syndrome and pitching to publications? Also, what are your favorite poems about hope?
Hi Safire!
Imposter Syndrome is a doozy, I can’t even begin to think about the opportunities I’ve bypassed because of it. What was helped me a lot has also helped me in my dating life, and that’s letting go of the fear of hearing no. Easier said than done, I know.
I come from poetry world where there is tons of rejection. Sometimes you’ll get a nice personal one that gives you a reason but you often don’t. I can tell you that your story needs to be heard. There is someone out there that needs to hear the exact lesson you learned, needs to know how you survived what you went through, etc.
Getting pitches accepted is about a lot more than just being a good writer. Maybe the wrong editor or publication read your work. It doesn’t mean what you have to say isn’t valuable, it just may not have been right for that specific site/journal/etc.
My favorite poem about hope is Presence by Nikola Madzirov, a Macedonian poet. Atleast I think it’s about hope. I’m also really loving Meditations In Am Emergency by Cameron Awkward Rich
Hi Safire! Ugh no one tells you that making friends as an adult is so time and energy consuming. It’s seriously like dating! I feel you with having social anxiety and not wanting to go to social events because we’re still in a global panini.
I’ve moved around A LOT in my adult life and I’ve tried a few different methods so hopefully one of these speaks to you:
-Using the Lex app. If you haven’t heard of it, it’s essentially a queer (non cis gay male) community app that has everything from sex and kink to roommates to simply people wanting to make friends. Lex is certainly an acquired taste, but I’ve had a lot of success making friends with it. It works like a classifieds ad so usually I’ll post something specific to my hobbies. For example, drag was my pandemic hobby so I posted that I wanted to form a drag king community. I don’t even really do drag much anymore, but I still totally have the friends I made just from that post. I’ve also posted things about forming queer family potlucks and park meetups. Since you said you struggled with social anxiety, maybe something to start off with is responding to other people’s posts.
-Using Facebook groups. They foreal have a FB group for everything. For example, I’m a part of a Disneyland singles group (I know, I know Disney is canceled but this is before I knew) and it’s literally just single people looking to meet other single people at Disney hahah
-Meetup app. I have mix reviews about this. It’s just a more streamlined FB. Honestly I think this app works best when you use it to actually meet people in person. I haven’t tried using it for online events, but it could be a good way to get a feel for what’s happening around you so you can know where to plug into
-Instagram. I know this sounds kinda basic, but I’ve started to form a calendar of online events for myself just from places I follow online. For example, some of the local queer bars/parties near me hold monthly virtual karaoke or virtual parties and they let people know just by posting on IG.
-Here! Autostraddle! We have tons of groups our members can be a part of. It might be helpful to search for groups by your region so that you can have something in common with the people you might be chatting with in the future.
-Searching very specifically for your interests. If you are into video games or D&D, you can google “D&D campaign in (insert your specific city)” and probably find it that way. I don’t know too much about the gaming community, but I do have friends who have whole friend groups just from the games they’ve formed online. Heather might be a good person to ask if you’re interested!
-Podcasts? If you’re a podcast person, especially if you subscribe to their patreon, people are always up on their pages talking to each other and quite literally forming a community around the specific podcast topic! This makes it a lot easier to engage with people online because you have a specific common interest and talking points to go off of.
In general, I’ve found the best way to make friends online is to be REALLY specific about your interests. You’ll attract natural connections if you’re already down a rabbit hole of things you enjoy. If you have any specific follow up questions let me know! I hope that helps :)
–
Hi Safire!!!
OMG YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! You have just unlocked some memory deep in my mind that I had forgotten. OmG! I have shivers!!!!
I was going to say more but I am freaking out! I had completely forgotten about domplines. I could cry.
Ok but if you’re asking because you want to know how to make them, I do have some bad news because… drumroll… I don’ know how to either!! Only happy childhood carbohydrate memories.
I’m going to ask my mom and Titi’s, so if you could do me a favor and also send this question into our A+ inbox, I’ll have a better recipe breakdown by our next SATSQ.
Omg. Domplines. What a world.
Happy birthday!!!
Will Tibette get back together? When?
What would you like to see happen to Gigi?
I’m sorry but I am very against Bette and Tina being together.
I would like to see Gigi have as many sex scenes as possible in season three
I second this, and also want to add that I would not be mad about seeing Gigi in more threesomes *specifically*
1. I hope not. I don’t think they’re actually good together? Plus, I think the more Tibette we see, the harder it is to see GenQ as its own entity – which the writers clearly want it to be – and less of TLW, Part 2.
Also? I don’t know how you put them back together if Laurel Holloman doesn’t want to be a series regular.
2. I actually like the relationship she was building with Dani in Season 2. I want to see her in a relationship where she’s valued because Alice, Nat and Bette were unnecessarily dismissive of her last season when she hadn’t actually done anything wrong.
1. I think they will willthey/wontthey forever
2. I also would like to see her keep dating Dani!!! I like the idea of both of them learning to be better communicators, and the dynamic of one person who is SUPER used to talking about their emotions and another who is just learning how. Also the hot sex
I hope that Gigi continues to challenge / redefine what sweaters can be!
hi babes! i’m here for my shift and i’m so! excited! to! celebrate! autostraddle’s! birthday! with! YOU!!!
i’m going to be going back and looking at questions from earlier today that i can chime in on, and will of course continue to search for my name in questions over the next few hours, but if you specifically wanna ask me something i invite you to thread it right here as a response to this q so i definitely definitely see it! can’t wait to talk love, sex, grief, fat girl fashion, cooking, and more with y’all! i love you!
xoxo
vanessa
Hi Vanessa! Two questions about grief.
1. How do you navigate people asking questions like “how is x person doing?” when the person that they’re asking about has died but they didn’t know that. For context, my Dad died last fall and he had been sick for several years before that. He never really hid his illness, so when I saw people regularly before COVID (and sometimes virtually during COVID) they would often ask me how he was doing. As things start to open up again where I live, I’m worried about running into people that haven’t heard that my Dad died and will ask about how he’s doing.
2. Have you heard of The Dinner Party (https://www.thedinnerparty.org)? I’ve found them really helpful since my Dad’s death and I feel like they’d be right up your alley in terms of their approach to friendship and community building. (Hope I’m not over stepping)
hi jules, thank you for these two thoughtful questions.
1. ugh, that sounds so tough. to be honest i do not have experience with this specific thing because my dad died very suddenly — he was fine when he went to bed and then he just didn’t wake up. and i’ve been very very vocal about his death and my grief, so almost everyone i know, even if we’re not close, has seen that he died. i am quite blunt so i think in your situation i would probably just prepare a standard answer and stick with that. for example all of last year when people asked how *i* was doing i would say “well, you know, badly. because my dad is still dead.” i didn’t mean to be mean or shut down conversations, i just couldn’t imagine saying anything but that truth. i’d encourage you to focus on yourself and your needs, as they trump anyone else in this situation – would it make you feel most comfortable to be honest with people and say that your dad died, or would you rather not discuss it? do you want any follow up or are you trying to avoid these conversations? once you’ve figured out what *you* need you can craft an answer. i’m thinking if it were me i would probably say, “thank you for asking, he actually died last fall. i don’t really want to talk about it,” unless it was a close friend, because i didn’t really feel like unpacking other people’s feelings about my dad’s death. but your wants/needs around this might be different from mine — the important thing is to center YOUR comfort, not anyone else’s.
2. totally not overstepping! it’s funny because a few people have mentioned this to me, but tbh i felt very overwhelmed by connection after my dad’s death (for the first time in my life!) and craved more alone time/had trouble even opening up and connecting with my closest friends, so i wasn’t really looking for more community. i have this org in the back of my mind to maybe one day explore, but for the past year-ish it hasn’t felt like the right time for me. grief is so weird in how it fucks with what you need/think you need!
i’m really sorry about your dad. it sucks. <3
Thanks! Also, I think last year at the birthday AMA you and I talked about scrapbooking and just last week my counsellor recommended making a scrapbook about my Dad to help with my grief, so talk about full circle, haha?
oh my god, yes. fwiw i journal to my dad – i have a specific journal where i just write him letters. i don’t do it very often these days (i did a lot right when he died) but it feels special and i like it. i was just talking to laneia about the importance of honoring our grief and not running away from it. i like the sound of a scrapbook very much. thanks for reminding me of this full circle moment.
The graphics look amazing; thank you all for being totally freaking wonderful!
Casey, question 🙋♀️ is “A Dream of a Woman” meant to be read start to finish like a novel? Because that kind of works!
Thanks 🥰
Joelle
Hi Joelle!
Well I am a firm believer you should read a book the way you want to even if the author intended it another way. The author is dead!! (But not literally, Casey Plett is my friend and she is awesome).
That said, I can tell you my experience reading the book was as a short story collection. There are stand alone stories and then one continuing story called “Obsolution” that drops off and picks up again throughout the book. I liked dipping in and out of it but I can also see how if you really want to focus on that character it would be great to skip ahead to those chapters and read them one after another.
You do you!
Also if you read the whole collection front to back as one novel I would be very interested to know how that worked for you!
Thanks for the reply Casey!
Yeah I did; I totally didn’t plan to. There are so many great collections from amazing queer women where I’ll just read one or two or more of the stories and always in order of the coolest title. 🤷🏼♀️
But for dream of a woman it worked! It actually worked. Sort of. I think my maaaaaaassive adhd helped parse it because there’s one or two stories that are completely separate and seem sort of like distracted dreams from the main narrative. And it’s not like there’s actually a through-line narrative even through the ‘Obsolution’ ones I found, but reading the whole thing like a novel created a sort of dreamy experience that I liked, so that’s why I was wondering if maybe it was meant to be read that way. Like a dream. Of a woman. 😉 It felt like something post-novel that way, like reading sleep spindles dipping in and out of dreams.
Omg though, you scared me when you said the author is dead! I was like, oh no not CP!! She’s barely older than me! Glad you set me straight right after. And if it helps, I do teach in my ELA classes that what they find in it is what matters. “The author is dead!” Love it! 🥰
Thanks again,
J
VANESSSSA – HOW DO YOU STAY SO HOT?!??? WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NAIL POLISH BRAND? HOW DO YOU LET YOURSELF FALL IN LOVE (LOL JK IT’S FINE IM FINE)
HEY I LOVE YOU!!!
1. i stay so hot by loving myself and surrounding myself with love! boring but true! the times in my life i felt most ugly – like truly could not convince myself i was sexy, kept posting thirst traps and getting lots of attention but didn’t feel good, was confused if i’d really lost my hotness – was when i was dating people who were treating me really badly and like, actively cheating on me, lying to me, etc. i couldn’t see it at the time but that shit will really fuck you up like, a lot a lot a lot. so now i try not to do that, try not to let people come in and dull my shine. and when i’m surrounded by hot people (ALL MY FRIENDS) and kind people (ALL MY FRIENDS) suddenly i’m like, oh yeah, i’m shiny as fuck! in a good way! and i wear hot girl clothes (for me that means slutty dresses and crop tops and tiny shorts and caftans) and take slutty photos and have a lot of sex and tell other people they’re hot and look in the mirror and tell myself i’m hot but mostly I AVOID TOXIC PEOPLE WHO BRING ME DOWN and that is the true key, truly truly.
2. my fave nail polish brand is a tie between OPI and ESSIE, but recently i’m getting into gel manicures and it feels like a whole new world where i need to relearn everything! exciting!
3. HAHAHAHAHA REMEMBER WHEN I WROTE 4000 WORDS ABOUT THIS AND THEN JUST PUBLISHED IT AND PUT MYSELF ON BLAST IN PUBLIC?!?!?!! CAN I INTEREST YOU IN A LONG ESSAY ON AUTOSTRADDLE DOT COM ABOUT THIS SUBJECT? lol, eye roll, etc. everyone is fine. how do you let yourself fall in love… the wild thing about ME personally, is no matter how many times i’ve been burned, i kinda always just… take the risk again. idk! gus said that to me when i was falling in love this time, they were like “lol babe my favorite thing about you is how you’re always just all in immediately!” and i thought wow, huh, i rly thought i was a cynical capricorn, so careful, so guarded, but no, i’m not… i’m a fucking romantic and i wanna love and i believe it’s worth the risk every time and then there i am, with my whole stupid heart, just diving off the goddamn cliff…
i’d say the key to letting yourself fall in love is to want to, and then to find someone you trust to do it with. and then just drive off the fucking cliff, WHY NOT, TRULY WHY NOT!!!!
okay i love you byeeeee <3
Vanessa, have you ever done a boudoir photoshoot? Like an intentional one with a photographer?
em! kind of! i am friends with a few really talented queer photographers and we’ve done some fun photoshoots where i definitely feel hot and sexy, but i’ve actually been planning to GO FOR IT and do a legit BOUDOIR shoot where i pay someone to specifically do sexy bedroom photos of me. have you done one? i loooove the idea of like, framing a giant photo of myself in lingerie in my bathroom, lol.
i LOVE that idea for you. i haven’t done one yet but i also want to. i would definitely need someone to help me pose because i am very bad at taking photos, but i think it would be a good sensuality practice!
Hey all I’m here already answering questions but I forgot to say hi first lol! Too excited 💗💗
hi i love youuuu <3 <3 <3
Hiiii 💗🥰
Hiiii!!!!
I wasn’t sure how to ask this question, like, what I’m trying to figure out, but I think I figured it out maybe! 🤔
Riese, you and I are almost the same age I think, and all my life I’ve had my parents and teachers and sisters all telling me there’s only one way forward – school, job, rinse, repeat. So I schooled – twice (just started round 3) and jobbed – twice. Because I keep getting the little piece of paper that says ‘okay good girl you did the thing so now you can do that exact job and get paid for the thing’. But it’s so wildly unfulfilling!
And yeah, chasing grants and fundraising and whatnot is probably peeeeeeeetty stressful(?) but you’ve done something that I think is so cool: you took a passion and made it Your Thing. You got out of the little tract and were like: yeah world, I effing did it – Janeway style! (I assume you talk like that 😘) so my question is:
How? How’d you do it? How’d you know it would work? How’d you face the fear and do it anyway?
Ennui in Edmonton
Hi Joelle!
Well firstly that is SO nice and I love the idea of me as Janeway.
I honestly don’t know that I ever got on the tract aside from going to college; my whole life I always had a million side projects I wanted to be working on instead of doing whatever it was that would’ve moved me forward in life on a more traditional path. When I started Autostraddle the recession had just hit so there weren’t a lot of options out there for me anyhow, and we were sort of in an era of media that first of all was still STRAIGHT AS HELL, run by the old guard, and print was dying, digital was wobbly, most online writing gigs were unpaid… there wasn’t much out there. Maybe my life would’ve turned out differently if I’d actually *gotten* any of the media jobs I wanted when I first moved to NYC, but I didn’t, or maybe if I’d graduated college in 2015 and there were lots of media jobs out there. Although… I do think eventually I would’ve wanted to quit and do my own thing. I always wanted to do my own thing, start my own magazine, my whole life.
I had a very romantic idea of myself in my twenties and was also deeply mentally unwell so I made a lot of choices that were objectively stupid but led to a lot of interesting experiences! And that’s just what I valued at the time.
I don’t know that I faced any fears to start Autostraddle. I just plowed in. I thought I’d grow it as a side thing and then make it full-time when we could afford to, which isn’t what ended up happening, it became full-time *years* before we had the money for a full-time staff. I didn’t know if it would work! I thought “I’m gonna try this and see if it works and if it doesn’t then I will at least know that I tried, and then I will do the tract.” I remember Alex asked me what I’d do if it failed and I said I’d go get a teaching degree. But let’s just try it, why not? I had no idea what I was getting into, no idea that it’d be possible to get this popular and still struggle so much to make money, absolutely no idea how much time it would take forever.
I think sometimes you just have to close your eyes and jump.
Thanks for the reply Riese,
I’ve been thinking about what you said: closing your eyes and jumping. I’m writing this while my body’s at work and I realize, like most days, that I’m not there with it. My students are great – sometimes – and I worry I’m doing them a disservice by being so disconnected as I am these days. It’s funny, teaching was going to be just a side gig for me but now it’s THE gig. How’d that happen?! Alessia Cara has this song called best days and she’s worried all the good stuff is behind her in her twenties and I’m like: oh girl, just wait till you’re forty. The twenties are so freaky weird! I spent a lot of mine mentally mixed up too; I hope you’ve been able to sort some of that yourself. ☺️
So I’m gonna start looking for where I want to jump. And then I’m gonna do it!
Totally admire your hustle lady! You’ve created something that deserves to last forever!
Hi hi! It’s Em here! I’ll be scrolling up and looking through past comments, but if you see this and have a question for me you can reply here as well :)
Hi, Em! I am literally so excited to see you in the group AMA that I’m going against *all* of my anxiety about making online posts,,, just to say hi and cheer you on!
You talked about baking for your partner as a cute date plan, and I was curious if you had any other favorite sexy/sweet recipes that you’re proud to share with others?
Also please forgive me if my astrology radar is off on this one, but I feel Cancer vibes coming from you and I’m so here for it!
Hi Sylmonde!!! It means so much to me that you took the time to comment :)
Oof ok in general I’m actually not a great cook. HOWEVER, with this particular women I really stepped up my game because she had a lot of dietary restrictions. This isn’t so much a recipe, but I used to make my own sushi for her for some of our dates. I would just get cold smoked salmon so I didn’t chance bad bacteria or anything. It’s simpler then you might think, you just have to get the right rice (short grain sticky rice).
Within this same relationship we also had a tradition every Sunday where we would make “sex chicken,” which is essentially a Sunday roast. So we could roast a small chicken with carrots, parsnips, and potatoes and then create a gravy from the juices to pour all over it. You can also do this in a crockpot!! It’s a cozy, comfort meal that’s great for one of those rainy Sundays where you just want to have sex all day but need nourishment hahaha
Oo! Last spring I made individual vegan matcha cheesecakes! The “cheese” is a cashew and coconut cream base with any sort of sweetener, similar to this: https://veganheaven.org/recipe/mini-matcha-cheesecakes/ but I like to make my base with Oreos hehe
One of my go-to sexy meals is anything French, which can be hard if you have dietary restrictions. If you don’t, I like making steak frites (strip steak and fries, or potato any way) with a peppercorn sauce. The star of this is actually my mom’s recipe for French carrots–Vertically slice (1/2 an inch? a little less?) as many carrots as you desire into a large pan with enough water to just cover the bottom. Then you add 3ish (can vary) tbs of brown sugar and an equal amount of butter and let is simmer for 45 minutes. Definitely not the healthiest but the meal feels so sexy, especially when you pair it with a nice rose.
Also, I’m so here for the astrology! I can see how I give caner vibes, but I’m actually an Aquarius with Virgo moon and Virgo rising!
Hello!!
Thank you folks for doing this and Happy 13th Bday Autostraddle!
Question for all: What is one of the best dates you’ve been on? What made it memorable/special?
Thank you <3
One of the best dates I went on recently was with this hot femme, we went to dinner at a riverside restaurant, talked about queerness, our close interpersonal relationships, and art. Then we went back to their place and made out for what felt like hours lol.
When I was younger I used to think a date wasn’t successful if it didn’t end in sex (lots of trauma there) but I just loved the intimacy of kissing and holding each other. So sweet!
i once went on a date with a drummer and when i confessed i’d always wanted to learn to play the drums she rented a studio space in brooklyn, gifted me a pair of neon pink drum sticks, and let me fuck around for an hour / gave me guidance about how to play! then we went for drinks and fucked for hours at the airbnb she was staying at. the thing that was memorable was that she’d listened to this one specific thing i said and found a way to make a whole date out of it which made me feel very special, and also i love an ACTIVITY and i love a musician, so this was all objectively very cool to me.
we only ever went on that one date and things took a dramatic weird bad turn when her ex saw a photo i’d posted of her on my instagram and got upset and then she sent me this longgggg text telling me why she couldn’t see me anymore even though i didn’t even live in the same city as her and her ex and even though they were, again, exes, but that’s neither here nor there! all the more reminders that dating can be hot and fun and just because someone isn’t The One or even The Person I Dated For A While That One Winter, we can still have a very nice time getting to know new people and doing activities with them and having hot sex with them (and then telling silly dramatic lesbian stories about them on the internet several years later, lol).
Ok wow Dani and Vanessa have such hot dates stories. I don’t think I have much to contribute here but I will say that in my humble opinion I planned a very romantic date for my gf at the time. I baked this gf, vegan chocolate ginger tart cake and packed a picnic and took her to this part by this flower garden to eat and drink and take pictures by the sunset. I didn’t enjoy it as much as she did because I get really stressed planning things, but I think she loved it? Clearly I need dating help too! lol
I’m going to list a few that have happened in recent years because for me they sum up the various kinds of good dates.
1) The last time I went out before the first quarantine was on a second date. We walked around Echo Park, went to a good Mexican restaurant, went back to my place for some good sex, left again to go see some good bar drag, and then ended the night kissing in the rain. It wasn’t really a night of nerves because it wasn’t a first date and because neither of us were quite catching feelings. It was just a really fucking fun day with someone I really liked spending time with doing things I enjoy doing.
2) This past summer when I was in Cincinnati I went on a date with someone who was from Cincinnati but now lives in Nashville. She was just in town for a couple days and we walked around chatting as she showed me the city. It had the awkwardness of a first date but also the excitement of being in a new place and getting to know a new person. We both knew it was just a fleeting connection but it was still really nice to connect with a new person in a new city.
3) My current girlfriend and I flirted for a year on Instagram before I asked her to Facetime. Obviously there are limits to the excitement that can occur on a Facetime date but we talked for like five hours and just slipped into such an easy connection. Not the most exciting story, but the most exciting person! I guess our first in person date was technically when the border finally opened six months later and we spent the weekend on a beautiful Canadian lake together. I’m not sure if that counts as a date but if it does then actually yeah that’s the winner. But it’s a good sign when you enjoy being with someone over Facetime AND adventuring around a beautiful lake.
Ok I have a question for everyone–how does one “slide into their DMs?”
OH YES.
I love sliding in DMs. I feel like queers think that heart reacting everything I post is a DM slide but it isn’t! Put in more effort! I like to comment on a funny tweet, a sexy picture, or something interesting they have on their profile. Or just be bold and say “hey we’ve followed each other for awhile and I think you’re really hot. Want to grab a coffee/drinks this week?”
hahahaha dani is right a heart emoji is NOT a full frontal DM slide, but i do think it’s a reasonable way to WORK UP TO a DM slide, you know what i mean? especially if the person is a stranger.
EM! you literally just… do it.
if it’s on twitter, wait until they post something cute or funny and then think of something that’s a littleeeee too flirtatious to post publicly and send it to their DMs.
if it’s on instagram wait til they post something cute or hot in their stories and respond to it – you can start small, like just pick the fire emoji reaction if they post a hot selfie or the clapping emoji reaction if their cat does something cute – and then wait for them to respond, start reacting to your shit, build a little rapport like that, and then eventually one day get brave and send a little flirty one liner, and build from there!!!
I wait until they tweet or post something that I have a particular interest in. I have a lot of respect for people who can pull off a DM slide off a hot picture but that’s just not my vibe. It’s much more like… they tweet about a shared interest we have and I’ll DM them their own tweet to keep chatting about it. Or on Instagram I’ll respond to their story with a specific comment or question.
For me it’s all about instigating conversation rather than needing to be outwardly flirtatious from the beginning. Also because oftentimes if I want to get to know a mutual better I’m not sure yet if it’s for friendship or flirting purposes. But even if you know this all still applies!
my current gf successfully slid into my DMs three years ago and that’s how we ended up together! she was just super confident and nonchalant about it and just complimented me basically! we had been liking each other’s selfies on instagram for a bit before it happened but then she did the actual slide on twitter
Q for anyone who is down to clown: Thoughts on the new season of Killing Eve so far????
AAAAAAHHHHHH! How far in are you? Have you watched the third ep on the AMC app?
I AM LOVING IT !!!!!!!
I am a big season two defender and a big season three hater and this is giving me major season two vibes in the best way.
Make! Carolyn! Gay! She seemed like she was going to be queer in Season 1 and then…they kept making her seem more and more straight despite the fact that when she is wearing a collared shirt and strutting around she reads as queer! Also, Eve and Villanelle are still not as hot / sexy together as their dynamic was in Season 1? I’m just, here, gay, waiting for the magic to hopefully return!
i like it a lot!!!!!!!!!! it feels like a return to form imo, but i know lots of people disagree
happy birthday autostraddle!!
so someone asked about favorite media that you would still recommend, and i want to ask the opposite! what were you ride or die for at thirteen but now when it comes up you avoid eye contact lest anyone realize you wore a pin identifying yourself as a gleek through the entirety of seventh grade? for random example?
Oh God I think 13 I was still in my Tarantino phase. Right after that phase I was obsessed with Magnolia and while I still like a lot of Paul Thomas Anderson movies, that is now my least favorite.
Oh and… Woody Allen. I have a LOT of thoughts about that. But maybe I’ll save that for another time. lol
oh geez…there are so many things…I mean at 13 I was ride or die for the Jonas Brothers. I guess they are still relevant? But I avoid eye contact because I really try not to give attention to white str8 cishet males you know? Ok this isn’t media but i LOVED build-a-bear. My 13th birthday party was build-a-bear themed which was 10 years too late but I wanted to “feel like a child again” even at 13. I still have the build-a-bear birthday song memorized. Idk why because I haven’t hear it in over 15 years. I really have no explanation.
I believe I was obsessed with the show House around 13 and IMO it has aged poorly. Like the portrayal of addiction to the tired genius white make doctor trope, just not for me anymore!
White male*!
as a grey’s anatomy fan (which, speaking of avoiding eye contact in fifteen years!) i tried house recently as a background show and i found it unwatchable! which is wild bc i remember enjoying it! maybe it was just baby-queer feelings about the various attractive women?
I WAS ALSO OBSESSED WITH HOUSE DANI
When I was 13 I had a photo of JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE tapped to my bedroom mirror, sooooooooooo….
LMAO
i was really into dean cain and it turns out he is a bad person
Happy 13th Birthday, Autostraddle!!! Is the team cooking up a video program? I’d love to see some AS video content…
I have learned to never say never when it comes to the Autostraddle team. We actually have a few decent (and at least two that I know of) very talented video editors on our team. So you really never know!
This is not a question but because i see @alarae hanging out in the comments I would like to say: Ari, thank you for introducing me to baking powder as a cleaning agent! I’ve started using it EVERYWHERE and my new favorite is that if i dump a cup in to the bottom of my dishwasher before i run it it actually cleans the dishes well for the first time ever! Like magic!
i also dump a cup into the washing machine, truly living on a whole new level
woah, what? you literally just pour the baking powder in the bottom of the dishwasher? I find this terrifying for absolutely no good reason
but also very exciting – I am so tired of the sigh of disappointment when I open my dishwasher!
Yeah it’s great! Not scary at all I promise
Hi, hello.
Vanessa- you are very hot & I have a question:
Will you please detail your thoughts/feeling on Jenny Schecter?
WOW HI TO MY GIRLFRIEND WHO APPARENTLY WANTS TO PROCESS THE MOST CONTENTIOUS ISSUE IN OUR RELATIONSHIP ON A PUBLIC FORUM THIS VERY TUESDAY AFTERNOON AS SHE LIES INNOCENTLY IN BED NEXT TO ME, ACTING AS THOUGH SHE DIDN’T JUST POST THIS VERY COMMENT.
WELL OKAY THEN.
i have a complicated relationship with jenny schecter.
i think, like many white women who once identified as straight and then realized they were gay, and who are also writers, and who also might have been angry at the world for valid or seemingly valid reasons at one time or another, and who liked attention, and who felt like ilene chaiken was a shitty writer who made her characters choose many unbelievable choices over the course of six seasons that led to many people hating a character for things we didn’t believe she would actually do… well, i think like many of those women, i love jenny. when i first watched the l word jenny was the closest person to ME on the show. she was confused but definitely gay. she was trying to figure herself out in a world of compulsive heterosexuality that had never even given her a clue that she could be a dyke. she was fucking up but had good intentions. she was creative. she was annoying in that way everyone is annoying when they first come out and think they’ve discovered feminism. she was a good friend to shane. she was doing her best.
anyway as the series went on she became a caricature of herself, a villain, a scapegoat, transphobic and unsupportive to her partner(s), and yeah, pretty much universally unlikable. riese has written about this on this very website and most everything she’s had to say about jenny i agree with.
i have since seen multiple women of color critique jenny by pointing out that only a white woman could get away with some of the shit jenny pulled and still be considered likable, and that gave me pause and made me reconsider some of my fondness for her. i still think about this point a lot, and it functions as a piece of the puzzle i’m often considering which is the way we talk about how “young” white people “make mistakes” but often those people are like, adults in their twenties, and why are we as white people afforded that kind of space in society to “mess up” in ways that are often really harmful to other people (i mean, obviously it’s because of systemic racism, but it’s something i have been trying to unpack a lot as a white woman in her thirties).
SO BABE, those are my thoughts and feelings on jenny schecter. hope you still wanna be my girlfriend! i think you are very hot too and i’m gonna kiss you now! <3
HI BABE! WE BOTH PLAYED IT SO COOL WHILE SECRETLY TALKING TO EACH OTHER ON THE INTERNET!
well, i have been wondering since it got brought up that one time, and then we never actually dug into it. and you know i am a very curious person, so! here we are.
i appreciate all your thoughts/feelings & also its VERY COOL that our most contentious issue is…a television character.
xoxoxoxo
hello i would like everybody to share their favorite quote from a tv show or movie and it does NOT have to be inspirational and it could just be your favorite quote of this moment, thank you
Lmao so I recently rewatched Criminal Minds and there’s an episode where Derek Morgan is interrogating a suspect and he goes.
“Found some interesting movies in your search history: WHITE GIRLS CANT HUMP?!” And I laughed so hard I cried
“Right – I hear you but I also Don’t like what you’re saying” – Mona Lisa Saperstine
“What!? There’s no book club?”
this is, unsurprisingly, also mine
Angel – “if what we do doesn’t matter, then what matters is what we do”
Only struck me how poignant it was when years ago I saw a Russian LGBT activist refer to it on the news when she was asked why she still protested even if she didn’t believe it would change the anti-LGBT policy </3
Whoops I realise now this question was meant for the Autostraddle staff >_<
no it’s for everybody! everybody can answer!
OH MY GOD I FORGOT THE LIFE-CHANGING QUOTE from Daniel Radcliffe in Victor Frankenstein:
“I’m a clown physician!”
It’s stayed with with me.
hi everyone!! tips for being content in a long term (monogamish) relationship when all of your friends are single and dating and hooking up? I consistently get fomo even though I am 100% happy in my relationship
Is the FOMO maybe in part because your friends going on dates and hooking up is exciting? Maybe you need some excitement of your own! You can try going out on fun new dates with your partner to places you’ve never been before (including safer stuff that’s outdoors if you need), try refreshing your look so you feel awesome and hot, maybe try something you’re a little bit afraid of. Laneia also suggested roleplay just now for this question so maybe try some roleplay!
i think sometimes when people are in a good single/dating headspace it is easy to be jealous because there’s just so much excitement you know? like they’re meeting new people, they’re doing new things, everything is heightened, nothing is predictable, anything could happen!! the hot sex is so wild and new! the bad sex (like comically bad not abuse bad, obviously) is still a good story! this is a weird analogy but like, sex and the city wouldn’t have lasted 6 seasons if all those women had been married and settled in the first episode because most episode arcs were like, all about dating DRAMA. yes i am weirdly showing off my hyper-specific television knowledge during this particular AMA even as someone who famously rarely watches tv or movies! but anyway – it’s not that A GREAT SHOW couldn’t have been made about 4 married women, but that’s not what the show is about. similarly, it’s not that your life isn’t GREAT – it’s just that you’re having fomo about the EXCITEMENT your friends are experiencing. there are terrible things about being single and dating too. there are hard things about being in a monogamish relationship. but ultimately everyone craves things they don’t have access to because humans like new shit. the easiest solution here IMHO is to introduce some new shit into your life! it could be role playing or new sex stuff specifically, it could be some random hookups here and there if it’s within the bounds of your relationship, or honestly it could be a new hobby or planning a vacation or something else brand new that has nothing to do with sex. i think your brain just wants shiny new things – so give it what it wants and continue to enjoy your sweet relationship and your friends’ wild stories!
Carmen! As a fellow (hopefully-)cool gay aunt… what are some of your best Cool Gay Aunt moments?
OK I’m going to give you my Top Three.
But first… I believe that there are two ways to really become a “Cool Gay Aunt,” one is to spend time with your niblings (I live out of state from mine, but when I am in town, I make sure they have my undivided attention. I will literally ignore adults in family gatherings for them, which is great for me because I like to ignore small talk about my personal life and kids don’t ask they just want you to care about what they care about, a win-win!) and the other is gift giving. Gift giving sounds capitalist and daunting, I realize, but I’ve learned that with kids the smallest things can make such a huge difference. Now… story time!
One of my favorite Cool Aunt moments was actually Christmas when my nephew was in 1st grade. I read somewhere that still — to this day! — the coolest gift you can buy a 1st grader is a fancy Crayola crayon set, because their parents probably aren’t going to splurge on the “fancy” 96 or 120 crayon set (I know my mother didn’t when I was a kid), but as a single adult spending $10 on crayons isn’t a huge deal necessarily, but it will light up a kid’s world. SO! For Christmas that year I got my nephew the glorious 96 Crayola set, a sketch pad of paper, and like one of those “craft sets” where you get the markers and the colored pencils and glitter, etc in a carrying case. I spent probably $25 total that year, and when I tell you he lost HIS ENTIRE MINDDDD!!! He still talks about it two years later. I “won” Christmas (if you can win such a thing), even ahead of like his fancier toys from his parents, simply by filling a need.
My second Cool Aunt moment is also a gift giving story, but last summer I bought my nibling (age 11) and my niece (age 16) books. Which is nerdy! But these kids love books, they are introverts in a family of extroverts (which is something we’ve previously bonded on), so one random day last summer I bought two YA books based on their interests, one for each of them, and sent it to them in a care package with personalized cards for each. And again, it was a small gesture, but they FREAKED OUT. Because when you’re a kid you don’t get mail, you know? Like in your name? By surprise? On a random July afternoon?? They sent me a literal paper thank you card back in the mail, and I took a photo of the card on my desk and texted it to the teen to share with her sibling. It was sweet and we bonded and honestly, was a highlight of my summer.
My third story isn’t gift giving at all, but for New Year’s Eve this year my nibling — who just got their phone — texted me exactly at Midnight. Like, I was their first “Happy New Year” text, and it was the smallest gesture on their part, but I actually cried. Because it showed that they thought about me, you know? They think of me as a person who loves and cares about them and when they got the smallest taste of independence (a phone), they wanted to share those first steps with me.
So those are some of my favorite, small things!
I’m late to the party here but just want to say that I love this question and I agree 100% with Carmen’s tips.
I have 5 niblings, ages 13 – 23, all of them live out of town from me, and the best thing I did was decide to make sure I had one on one time with each one when I visited. When they were younger my spouse and I would take them somewhere fun like a park or museum and then out for ice cream. Last time I saw my oldest nephew, he paid for our lunch and I almost cried.
Riese, what’s your favorite episode of Six Feet Under? And really anyone else who loves this show because it’s probably in my top 3 favorite TV shows and no one I know has ever watched it.
Oh I don’t think I could ever pick just one! If forced, I would honestly pick the pilot. Obviously the sudden death of one’s father is relate-able, but it’s also just so brilliantly written, the characters and stakes are introduced with such precision.
The finale is obviously also up there. So is David’s coming out Episode, “A Private Life,” and also “Terror Starts at Home” — the dinner scene my god!!
For Carmen (or anyone else, but it’s on academia): do you have any suggestions for academic networking that turns into actual collaboration? I’m a PhD student hoping to graduate this year, but almost all of my work has been solo writing–my grad program is smallish and has very diverse interests, so most of my friends (and my advisor tbh) aren’t really potential collaborators. I’ve tried to do a bit of networking at conferences, but I feel like I’m stuck at the professional equivalent of aquaintances–like we recognize each other and chat at events, but I don’t know how to move past that to writing/research collaboration?
Hi!! Believe it or not, this one is actually extremely straight forward! You literally, just ask them. That’s it. That’s the secret.
Those people who are “the professional equivalent of acquaintances” and you want to take it to the next level (following your analogy), you do the same thing you’d do with a IRL acquaintance who you wanted to become a friend with, you ask them to hang out.. err, in this situation, “hang out” is “collaborate.” You can send a straight forward email (pull it from their socials or their dept website), if y’all hang out on social media you can “slid into the DMs” — but that’s riskier, even in a DM I’d ask if they’d prefer email before moving forward, some people have professional/social boundaries around social media, so it’s always worth asking first.
But after you do that, you just want to intro yourself (1-2 sentences, keep it short), then give an elevator pitch about your work (1 short paragraph MAX) and then COMPLIMENT THEM (flattery will get you everywhere) and tell them why their work excites you or why you’re interested in working together (another few sentences).
If you already have an idea of it, describe the project/panel/paper/research you are interested in working together on (again, short paragraph MAX).
That’s it! Keep these first emails professional, but upbeat and friendly. Keep them brief! And leave it open for them to reach back out to you if they are interested in collaborating on whatever is the project you’re interested in pursuing with them. Tell them they can reach you via email/propose a date/time for a zoom, and then get back out of there.
I also recommend building a proposed panel for a conference as a next step to getting to know collaborators. You can use the same steps outlined above, but ask them to join you on a panel for whatever is the conference for your field. Panels or research groups that are curated and put together by you are honestly the quickest way to get to know professional colleagues beyond the superficial level.
Try to stick to people that are ~relative to your level, so if you’re ABD, look for people who are also ABD, fellows, or newly tenured. If you’re going for a panel role, I’d look for a rising mid-career professor to moderate it and see if they have suggestions on who else should join the panel. If you go directly for a collab’ed research project, you can just make direct asks of people again ~relative to your level, whose work interests you and you want to get to know better.
That’s it! There’s no deep secret! You literally just have to be friendly, polite, direct, and ask. That’s the whole secret potion.
Question for Carmen (or anyone else that wants to answer): I’d love to be a cool gay aunt but I have no siblings. Maybe, at some point I’ll have a partner with siblings but if not, any tips for cultivating an auntie-type relationship with friends kids/as chosen family?
Hi! Resident cool gay aunt here!
I think the important thing to remember when trying to be the cool gay aunt is kids are gonna be kids, sometimes they vibe with you and other times they can’t be bothered lol. I think you can start by showing interest in things they are interested in and sharing your interests. I have a friend who’s kid knows I love spiders so they draw me spider pictures every now and again. I haven’t seen them in awhile but when I did I tried to give them space to be curious about me and not force questions on them, but let them know I’m there and I care about them!
so for my friends who’ve had kids, I just treat the kids the way I would niblings! so gifts on birthdays and holidays, keeping up with their interests, having conversations with them about their interests, etc. a slight speedrun version is to give ‘experience’ gifts like, ‘i’ll take you to the zoo for your birthday’ because then you also get bonding time and a cool trip! also talking to your friends about wanting to have that relationship with their kids is important!
@rainbowjules For me, it’s all about developing those relationships in small doses and then building out, as it’s comfortable for all involved (including the kid’s parents). So, start with small things like picking the kid up from school with their favorite snack ready to go…then move up to trips to the playground…then trips to the movies or fun parks…just slowly building that rapport over time.
I want to THANK EVERYONE for jumping in here so that I could also get up our Also.Also.Also roundup for today!!! The fun fact here is that I’m actually also an only child, so all of my niblings are from (I suppose we would say “friends” but I would say “family’s) kids.
I’m really going to echo the team here, the most important thing to remember is that kids are going to be into you or not, and what you can do is be a consistent presence in their life. One of my nephews, I’ve been close with his whole life since birth but he’s getting older now (he’s ALMOS NINE!! SOB!) and finding his own way. My niece and nibling took longer, because they came into my life a little older (when their mom married my oldest friend).
The main thing about all these situations was getting to know kids where they are. That’s the whole thing, really. Whatever interests them, that’s what you now care about, too. Treat them as (age appropriate) adults, not kids — like what they think and say and are interested in is deserving of respect and to be taken seriously (because it is!). Then you can build mutual interest from there. Kids are used to not being the center of adult’s attention, just give them all of yours while you are in their presence.
The only thing I didn’t see mentioned here, so I’ll mention it myself, is that kids are going to be impressed or “think you’re cool” for the smallest things, so don’t stress it. My niece is 16 and she thinks I’m cool because I lived in New York City once. My nibling is 11 and thinks I’m cool because I pick out “all the best fantasy books” as Christmas present. My nine year old nephew still remembers that when he was three, I would sneak him French Fries. Like that’s his FAVORITE MEMORY!!! Once I “splurged” and got him the 96 color Crayola set for like 10 bucks, and he thoroughly lost his shit!!! Best $10 I ever spent.
So be yourself, and respect them for whoever they are, and then take it slow from here. Show up and keep showing up. Remember birthdays, holidays, and fun things in between. Be a part of their lives. The rest will slot into place.
okay i THINK i answered all the questions specifically for me, and as many general ones as i could… but if you have a question for me that i somehow missed or you haven’t asked yet, respond to this comment and i’ll make sure to get to it in the next 30 minutes! i want to emphasize how grateful i am to every single A+ member for supporting us, and grateful to everyone in this thread for hanging out with us all day and asking such incredible questions. so so so much gratitude. <3
I’m poly and in love with someone who is monogamous. Tell me to stay away?
i’m not 100% sure what “in love” means here (like are you in the crush phase, have you already dated for 3 months, etc etc) but yes, sadly, as ryan yates once said (paraphrasing here): you COULD make it work between someone who is poly and someone who is monog, but why make things so much harder for both of you when you could each just date people who want to have the same relationship model as you do?
so ok, i shall do what you asked, and tell you to stay away. GOOD LUCK I AM ROOTING FOR YOU!
Thanks! We have dated on and off, and I just can’t move on sometimes, but I really appreciate those words from Ryan. Makes it sound so simple!
Here, copying Vanessa. We have a half hour to go so if you have a question for me, thread it here!
AND THANK YOU ALL so much for coming today to celebrate Autostraddle’s 13th!!! We’re only here and celebrating this milestone because of you 🖤🖤🖤