Hey Clone Stars! Welcome to the recap of the ninth episode of the second season of Orphan Black, the show where dead body disposal is the ultimate aphrodisiac for suburban parents!

This is the penultimate episode of the season, and boy is this show firing on all fucking cylinders.

We open with Alison and Donnie in their garage, wearing matching rubber gloves. Alison has cleaned Leekie’s brains out of the trunk, but there’s still the matter of what to do with the body. Donnie is grossed out and ready to puke, while Alison attacks the problem like an arts and crafts project clean up. They wrap up the body in plastic and toss it in their giant garage freezer.

Over at the Prolethian Farm, Helena is being artificially inseminated by Hank. It is gross and terrible.

Meanwhile, at Dyad, Delphine and Rachel discuss Cosima’s health. Apparently, the growths have spread everywhere, and Cosima is most def gonna die without treatment. That ear-piercing wail you hear is the primal scream of a sea of nerdy lesbians in distress.

Rachel says that they need to get Kira’s bone marrow, and that Delphine has to convince Sarah to let them. This is a pretty good plan, because who is gonna say no to an adorable French girl? No one.

Delphine says that the clones will never trust Rachel, but Rachel tells her that she’s been lied to as well and offers Delphine the opportunity to take over as the director of the program, aka be the new Leekie. Delphine goes to Mrs. S’s house to plead for Kira’s bone marrow, but Sarah isn’t having it.

Delphine tells her that Duncan is months away from a cure and Cosima is about to expire like supermarket sushi. Delphine says that Kira’s bone marrow will reboot Cosima’s immune system, and without it she’ll die.

Cosima, Alison, and Sarah have a group Skype chat. Cosima is all hooked up to nose tubes and Sarah says that she wants to help her but can’t turn Kira over to Dyad. Donnie watches the call from the other side of the laptop, and gestures to Alison to get more Leekie info.

Cosima tells them about the cover up, and that Dyad will keep the whole thing under wraps. Luckily for Donnie, it looks like no one will be looking for Leekie. Now they just have to get rid of the body.

Donnie wants to dump Leekie in the lake, but Alison thinks it’s way too cliché. Besides, she’s seen Dexter: they’d need a boat, a ribbed Henley, and the worst police department in Miami. Alison says it’s too risky to move the body, so they decide to bury it in the garage.

Cut to Donnie drilling into the garage floor with a jackhammer. Being that he’s Donnie and all, he’s doing a crappy job. Alison takes over and immediately does the job better, because she is better at all the things.

Back at the Prolethian farm, Helena rests in bed while a midwife attends to her. The midwife then takes Helena to the farm nursery, which is swarming with children. Apparently none of the Prolethians are worried about leaving a crazed assassin with their babies. Helena makes friends with an adorable little girl, while Gracie watches and wonders what the fuck is going on.

Back in the farmhouse, Belt Buckle and Hank are sharing a drink. We find out that Belt Buckle is a soldier with PTSD who went AWOL from the army before joining the Prolethians. Hank gives his blessing for Gracie and Belt Buckle’s marriage, and then says that it’s time for Gracie to bear fruit. Nobody bothers to ask Gracie’s opinion on anything, because they are the worst.

Back at Mrs. S’s house, Sarah and Mrs. S discuss what to do about Kira. They think that with their own doctor and plenty of security, they could make it happen. Felix gets in on the conversation too, and they all agree that the decision rests with one person: Kira.

Sarah goes to talk to Kira, and explains to her what a bone marrow transplant entails. Kira asks if Cosima will die without it, and Sarah tells her the truth. Kira agrees to donate the marrow and Sarah hugs her and calls her the bravest. It’s all kinds of heartwarming.

Delphine arrives at the doctor’s office and is patted down by Mrs. S’s team of watchers. She waits in the hallway while Kira is prepped for the transplant.

Back at Dyad, Scotty and Duncan are trying to upload Duncan’s floppy disks. Cosima is also there, making fun of their nerdery. Duncan tells them that all his research is encoded, and they’ll need a cipher to read it.

Back at the House of Cement and Murder, Donnie and Alison are digging a giant hole in their garage. Alison is annoyed that Donnie is tossing dirt everywhere, and says the phrase “Lard and butter, Donnie!” which is the most absurd thing I’ve ever heard. Donnie tells her that he isn’t as comfortable with murder as she is, and just then, the kids come running in to tell them there’s a man at the door.

It’s Vic, who has finally awoken from his glittery drugged slumber. Vic wants to talk, but Donnie and Alison tell him to GTFO. Vic walks back to a large unmarked van, where Officer Ange is waiting for him.

Back at the Prolethian Baby Stable, Hank is telling the story of Frankenstein to the children, which is A) incorrect and B) not appropriate for that age range. He also tells Helena that one day, the nursery will be full of her children. That nursery is huge, and she has a vagina, not a clown car between her legs.

Helena sees the midwife slap the adorable girl and grabs her by the neck. Helena tells her that there was a nun in the convent like her, and if she ever hurts the girl again she’ll gut her like a fish. Gracie watches Helena with something approaching admiration.

At the doctor’s office, they’re sedating Kira for the surgery. Sarah and Felix stand by her and hold her hand, and Delphine watches as they drill into Kira’s hip. Sarah feels tremendously guilty, while Felix assures her she’s a great mother and a great sister. Sarah cries and apologizes to Kira.

The doctor continues with the bone marrow extraction, and it’s a success. I’m surprised because I was pretty sure Kira’s bones were filled with phoenix feathers or unicorn hairs.

Vic continues to spy on Alison from outside the garage. Alison measures the hole and measure the body, because everyone knows you measure twice and cut once. Donnie sneaks up on Vic and pulls a gun on him. He drags him inside and holds Vic over the hole, threatening to shoot and bury him.

Vic confesses that there is a cop outside, but Donnie was bluffing the whole time! Alison is impressed that Donnie doesn’t accidentally shoot Vic in the head, and Donnie assures her that he never makes the same mistake twice.

Then this show throws out the most shocking twist of all: Donnie is actually a competent human being! He storms into the cop van and yells at Ange to leave them alone. He also tells her he’ll have her suspended if she keeps sniffing around, and takes a phone pic of her for evidence.

He also tells her to have a shitty day, which is delightful. Oh no you guys… do I actually like Donnie now? Is this real life?

Meanwhile, at the kingdom of Prolethia, Hank is inseminating Gracie! What the fuck dude, how many babies do you need? This is the worst thing ever.

Gracie is taken back to the pregnant woman holding cell, where Helena is eating and making oinking noises, like you do. Helena doesn’t understand why Gracie is so sad to be pregnant, until Gracie tells her that she is carrying Helena’s eggs mixed with her father’s sperm. EWW!

Helena seems shocked, and Gracie calls her out for not paying attention to what the fuck is going on. Everything about this is horrifying and everything hurts.

Back at Dyad, Duncan mansplains to Cosima that it was his wife’s idea to make all the clones sterile. They engineered the sterility as an autoimmune disease, which is currently wreaking havoc on Cosima’s body. Duncan assures her he will fix his mistakes, and Scotty breaks the code on his research.

Duncan tells them that each gene sequence has its own secret password, and he won’t share them with Dyad. He also assures Cosima that he is looking out for her, but I’m dubious.

Belt Buckle visits Gracie in preggo prison, and tries to sell her on the whole “divine maternity” deal. Helena calls him out for claiming to love her but allowing her to be a brood mare. BB says the women of the compound don’t see it that way, because obvs he can speak for all women all the time. Gracie turns away from him and refuses to talk.

Rachel and Marion meet in Leekie’s old office and do that awkward air kiss hello thing. They talk about Delphine’s appointment as Brand New Leekie, and Rachel tells her that Delphine has all the qualities they need: she’s smart, she’s telegenic, and she’s banging a clone.

Marion wants to know how Rachel is holding up with all the daddy drama, but Rachel assures her that she’s on her game. Marion wants to acquire Sarah, and Rachel tells her she’s in hand.

After their meeting, Rachel goes into a private room, has a martini, and watches her home videos on a wall-size TV screen. She laughs, she cries, she seems to have a breakdown.

She then changes the image to a large photo of Sarah and Kira. This cannot be good.

Delphine meets with Rachel and tells her that the bone marrow is processing for the transplant. Rachel gives her the keys to Leekie’s office, and leaves to take a phone call. While she’s on the phone, Delphine peeks at Rachel’s laptop and sees a photo of Ben the Watcher in a confidential file. He’s a Dyad mole!

Back at the baby farm, Helena starts getting dressed. Gracie wakes up, and Helena tells her that she’s running away. Helena tells Gracie that she’s a good girl, but if she doesn’t want to have her babies then she shouldn’t have to.

Gracie is over this misogynistic bullshit and wants to run away with Helena.

Hank shows up to stop them with a shotgun, but Helena tells him she’s not afraid and neither is Gracie. Hank tells Gracie that her mother went out west to round up some more brood mares (gross) and he knocks Helena out with the shotgun.

Hank then drags Gracie into a cell and locks her in. Belt Buckle shows up and is appalled that Hank would treat his daughter this way. He is also pissed that he didn’t get to father Gracie’s miracle babies.

Before Hank can respond, Helena jumps on his back and starts attacking him. Belt Buckle frees Gracie and Helena tells them to run away while she chokes out Hank. Those two crazy kids make a run for it while Helena wrestles Hank to the ground.

Back at Casa Hendrix, Donnie and Alison bury Leekie’s body in the garage and fill in the hole with cement. Donnie draws a heart in the wet cement, because romance.

Alison is crazy turned on and they start making out, culminating in them fucking on the freezer. Alison wants to do it “nasty”, which is unfortunate for us because we are exposed to Donnie’s bare butt. These two weirdos are starting to make sense as a couple for me.

Hank wakes up to find himself tied to an examining table, his legs in stirrups. Dr. Helena has an enormous inseminator in hand and a pipe in her mouth. She shoves the inseminator up Hank’s ass and he screams. Helena’s warped sense of justice prevails yet again.

Helena runs away and watches the farm burn to the ground. Goodbye Prolethians and goodbye Hank!

Sarah is in recovery with Kira when Mrs. S tells her that Delphine is outside. Sarah gets into a car with Delphine who tells her that Ben is a mole. She tells Sarah to keep calm, but instead Sarah runs back into the hospital.

Sarah tells Mrs. S that Rachel is making some kind of move and they have to leave. Sarah wakes up Felix and Kira and tells them they aren’t safe. Just then, Felix gets a phone call from Sarah… and gets a needle in the throat!

It’s not Sarah… it’s Rachel in disguise! Holy Shyamalan twist, you guys! The real Sarah runs back upstairs, but Kira and Rachel are already gone. They’ve been had.

Delphine returns to Dyad and cries to Cosima that she’s made a terrible mistake. Looks like everyone got played by Rachel. Kira wakes up in an all-pink girl’s room watched over by Rachel. Kira asks for Sarah and Mrs. S, but Rachel tells her that this is her new home.

She says that Kira will get used to it and maybe grow to like it there, just like she did. Has Rachel gone off the deep end? Is she going to make Kira her daughter? What the actual fuck is going on?!

Tune in next week for the season finale, where all/none of these questions will be answered!

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