Hey Clonesters, welcome to the recap of the second episode of the smash hit show my mother refers to as “Orphan is the New Black.”
We open in the hospital where nurses are tending to Helena. Everyone seems pretty amazed that she’s even alive, considering she took a bullet to the chest.
How I feel every morning of every day.
Art and Sarah are investigating the Prolethians and trying to figure out what they want with Kira. I’m trying to figure out what is up with that belt buckle. Is it supposed to be a Jesus fish? Who knows.
Great news! If I buy five of these belt buckles on Etsy I get a free sock monkey!
Felix arrives and is surprised that Sarah let Art into Clone Club. But he doesn’t know the secret handshake or anything! She doesn’t know where she is, but there’s a scary old man with her. Scary hangs up the phone before Sarah can get any more info.
I swear to fucking God Comcast, if you put me on hold one more time!
Mom, we talked about this, you know we have Charter now.
Art is able to trace the call to an old motel, and he and Sarah get ready to go. Because no mission is complete without accessories, Felix gives Sarah a kicky green clone phone! He really is the best BFF a girl could ask for.
We think they’re keeping Kira somewhere in the vicinity of this shadowy dildo
That shadow phallus looks so big you’ll need all these phones to text me pics of it.
Over in Preppyville, Alison and family are attending Aynsley’s funeral. Alison feels guilty as fuck for letting Aynsley die in a tragic scarf/garbage disposal accident that now has me scared to use my own garbage disposal. I don’t even wear scarves, but since when does fear make sense?
That awkward moment when the priest uses Aynsley’s funeral to try out his new stand-up routine.
He’s right…women be shoppppppinnnnggg
More into the comedic stylings of Rita Rudner.
To make matters worse, all the preppy moms are gossiping about Alison banging Aynsley’s husband, Donnie is being useless, and her kids just stole the funerary flowers. Go Team Hendrix!
I’m not mad, I just want to know who signed “Buttlord Von Crackington” in the guest book.
Alison’s friend Sarah Stubbs from the musical comes over and gives her a hug. She also tells her not to mind them nosy bitches.
Hold me clone-ser, tiny dancer
Alison, who is weighed down with her family’s coats, feels Donnie’s phone ring. When she checks his phone she finds a series of incriminating texts…Donnie was her monitor all along!
These dirty texts are not doing it for me anymore.
Though she is trying to stay dry, Alison grabs the nearest drink and downs that shit while the world around her crumbles.
We then go to a country farm, where we meet Pastor Henrik/Hank aka Lorna’s husband Bob from Bomb Girls! Are there only like, 30 actors in Canada? When are those Degrassi kids gonna start showing up? Marco could date Felix, Paige could hook up with Cosima, think about it, BBC America!
Insert lube joke here.
Hank is soon joined by Belt Buckle, whom he praises for saving Helena. Hank refers to her as the sister of the mother aka the one that got away. Hank then fists/inseminates a cow, and they praise the Lord.
Dude, that’s been in a cow’s vagina.
Hank and BB make plans to get Helena out of the hospital, and Hank’s wife Bonnie asks if she needs to make a bed, or if Helena can just crash in the barn baby Jesus style.
We then jump to Cosima (swoon) getting questioned by Dr. Leekie about Sarah’s party crashing/Rachel smashing antics. Cosima denies any involvement, and Delphine backs her up.
You think it’s easy for a white girl to pull off dreadlocks? ‘Cuz I make that shit look easy.
Dr. Leekie tells her not to mess with Rachel, and that he doesn’t want a war. Unless it’s a thumb war. Then he’s all in. Delphine just wants to go to their new lab and “make crazy science” with Cosima. Hey girl hey. They have major advancements to make in the field of Fingerblasterology.
I’m gonna review your dissertation all night long, baby.
But I haven’t even finished my annotations yet!
Sarah and Art show up at the old motel, but Kira and the old guy have already blown the joint. They search the hotel room, where Sarah finds a drawing by Kira. Art sees Daniel aka Rachel’s henchman outside, so he goes to shake him down.
I call dibs on anything left in the minibar.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: children are terrible artists.
Sarah finds a trail of tiny socks and clothes and follows it into a laundry room, then a garage. Whenever I’m following a trail of socks I usually find a very pleased looking dachshund in a laundry basket, but Sarah isn’t so lucky.
Now we know where lost socks end up: Canadian television
Please stop licking m hand, this is leather.
We then cut to a dusty country road, where the car stops and Sarah is taken out of the trunk. Once out she kicks the old guy in the balls but is quickly calmed by… Mrs. S! With a rifle!
Calm down, love. Nobody liked the Bomb Girls movie but there’s no use fighting about it.
I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.
Before Sarah can say “what the actual fuck?”, Mrs. S tells her that she’s passing through an air lock, a secret route for people on the run. She unties her and Sarah wants to know whose side she’s really on. Mrs. S assures her she’s on Team Sarah, as are we all (JK we are on Team Cosima and Delphine Making Out).
I’m only asking you to follow me to an unmarked location in the woods, what’s sketchy abut that?
Back at the Dyad Institute, Cosima is getting a tour of her swanky new digs. Turns out that Dyad is a storied old company that has created vaccines for millions in addition to a bunch of hot clones.
Where going to need a lot of supplies from Babeland…trust me, it’s for science.
Dr. Leekie shows her to a dusty old lab that Cosima calls “Clone Jail”, but he assures her that they’ll customize it to her needs.
He tells her to make a wish list; any tech she wants, she’ll have.
Wanna experiment?
I’m gonna prove my hypothesis all over your face.
We then tie our sweaters around our shoulders and head on back to Preppyville, where Alison is rehearsing the musical. Getting over Aynsley’s death is not easy when you’re performing a musical about dead bodies.
Now kiss
That piano player is so fucking psyched about them making out.
It’s like dealing with a facial disfigurement while performing Phantom of the Opera. Or handling a roller derby injury while doing Starlight Express. Or trying to deal with bisexual clichés and prejudice while starring in Rent. It’s hard, is what I’m getting at.
Moment of appreciation for Alison’s Mary Janes and socks combo
So I point at my vagina, then I point at the nearest girl. Is that how lesbians make sex?
Anyway, Alison accidently knocks over a dancer and the director tells everyone to take five. The director then tells Alison that she needs to breathe deeper, and emphasizes this by groping her ass and rubbing her belly.
Just relax and let the male privilege wash over you
This is NOT how musical theatre is done!
Hands off, Grossy McGross! They should fire this tool and hire Corky St. Clair, STAT.
Sorry kids…Junior Mints are for Glee recaps only
Felix shows up to rescue Alison from getting molested. He claims to be Alison’s acting coach (which is adorable) and they go to a nearby classroom to catch up.
Wait, he rubbed your belly? Straight people are weird.
Alison tells Felix that Donnie is her monitor, but Felix says that they need more proof than just some vague texts. This sends Alison into a guilty tailspin over Aynsley’s death, and concern over going to jail. Can you imagine Alison in jail? She’d be running that joint in a week.
I can’t go to jail! And if Alex Vause isn’t gonna be there, then what’s the point?
Also, it needs to be mentioned that throughout this scene, Alison and Felix are drinking from tiny airplane bottles of booze. Are they just carrying this around everywhere?
Tiny booze party!
Felix says they need an idea to trap Donnie, and Alison tells him what every college student already knows: drinking leads to ideas.
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I feel like you missed a line here:
“Felix arrives and is surprised that Sarah let Art into Clone Club. But he doesn’t know the secret handshake or anything! She doesn’t know where she is, but there’s a scary old man with her. Scary hangs up the phone before Sarah can get any more info.”
Yeah it should say something about Kira calling Sarah on Felix’s phone…
The fish symbol represents fecundity/fertility and is the symbol of the Prolethians – it’s been on Helena’s knife handle, tattooed on Maggie Chen’s neck, on Tomas’ ring, and now also on creepy hair dude’s belt buckle.
Also, if Bob is a Prolethian now, maybe Gladys can turn up too and teach Donnie how be good spy?
OMG how am I the first to comment a full two hours after this masterpiece is posted? This makes me wonder if I underestimate the magnitude of my obsession with this show.
This is my gf’s theory: Rachel is obvi jelly of Sarah’s motherhood and she is equally jealous of Cosima’s sexuality. When she remarks “So, you’re gay?” I definitely got the sense that she is gearing up to hate Cosima because she’s assuming that, for Cosima, the question of bearing children is made irrelevant by her sexuality — as though she has already had to contend with the idea of never bearing her own children, or never raising children at all.
We, of course, know that this is isn’t necessarily true (Um, that’s not the most interesting thing about me) but it gives Rachel a reason to resent the real Cosima (not the one who kicked her ass or whatever).
Oops guess it took me 16 minutes to compose that comment.
Yup, I’m obsessed.
I’ll see myself out.
I thought the reason RAchel is intrgiued by Cosima’s sexuality is the same reason she is intrigued about Sarah’s motherhood; that there are fundamental differences starting to emerge about the supposedly identical clones.
Helena having mirror image innards – no one noticed this before, say during a routine physical exam for camp? wouldn’t that discovery make the medical journals? or is it not that unusual for someone’s vital organs to be flipped around?
While I can’t comment to the rest, wikipedia says there’s a 1 in 10,000 chance of mirrored/reversed organs (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Situs_inversus)
Well also, any variations that were not specifically planned(genetic specifically, but behavioral as well, I would imagine) are going to mean something to people who are attempting to essentially “build the perfect human”. The inability to procreate, sexual variations, diseases, are all things that seem to frustrate their attempts at CONTROLLING the perfection of their processes.
I also have to wonder who Rachel is. She seemed actually personally tweaked a bit by the fact that Sarah can procreate. It makes me wonder if her rush to judge “the process” as the reason for the disease isn’t just a point of pride in the science, but perhaps something personal as well. Not from a jealousy point of view, but… I mean, who is she? Is she a clone? Or is she the original source material and THAT is where the obvious frustration lies?
re: Degrassi kids showing up on Orphan Black, one did! We saw Emma for a whole second. She led Sarah into Paul’s office in that one episode.
Not only was Emma on the show as Paul’s secretary, but so was Sav Bhandari as Raj the tech support guy from the police station.
I didn’t know that! I never kept up with Degrassi. Poor Raj with his crush on not-Beth.
Speaking of Paul, he was totally absent from this episode. Thank you, writers.
Felix was also in Degrassi. He was dating one of the guys (I don’ remember who) in the show!
I love all of the clones and Felix so so much, but I have to say that Mrs. S is probably my favorite character. What a badass. I love how ambiguous she is. Sure, she keeps a lot of secrets from Sarah regarding her role in this whole thing and what she plans to do next, but you know that she definitely has Sarah’s back, and will stop at nothing to protect Kira (who seems to be a bit of a clairvoyant or just incredibly perceptive for a 5/6 year old). I can’t wait to see what she does next.
“Can we please have a Mrs. S origin story?” – YES!! Mrs. S don’t play!
Does anyone else think that Maria Doyle Kennedy (Mrs. S) looks like J.K. Rowling? Or am I just losing my mind?
I kept getting really distracted by Bob Corbett now being some kind of evil Prolethian-but-also-scientist cowboy. And Rachel’s henchman Daniel is one of the Cylons from BSG, so obviously he’s up to no good.
Definitely want to see more of Mrs. S! No idea what’s going on with her except that she is badass.
Just because Daniel is a cylon doesn’t mean that he is responsible for, or aware of the actions of his copy(/ies) on BSG, or condones those actions in any way. Boomer/Athena case in point.
Cylon equality!
/rant
Daniel is giving off a super creepy bad guy vibe though…..
toooootally couldn’t place that cylon bastard! Thank you! And he’s definitely up to no good!
Hank will always be David Sandstrom from ReGenesis to me, and it’s weirding me out to see him here.
I love this show so much, you guys. The wait for this new season nearly killed me.
More Mrs. S!
I’m worried about what they’re going to do to Helena. :(
Rachel really needs to get laid. LOL
Me too. I have this terrible feeling that there’s going to be some kind of weird IVF rape incident or something… :(
Re: Degrassi, Sav also appeared in a couple of episodes in the first season as the tech guy at the police station.
winning at life Chelsea!
Wait, can we just take a second to bask in the amazingness of the photo captions? Genius. Pure genius.
Wait, wait, Orphan Black recaps!?!? I love this show so much! It is the best acted and written show on TV right now and maybe ever. I can’t believe how talented Tatiana Maslany is. I often forget that she is playing all of the clones and they aren’t different actors. Insane.
Anyways, I really love this season so far. Mrs. S doesn’t mess around and Helena isn’t dead. I love her crazy ass so much. Can we all just appreciate what they found in her pockets at the hospital? A shit ton of candy and things she probably just picked up off the street like a picture of a baby from the 1920s.
I like everything about this comment.
I just realised something really weird… Project Leda is presumably named after the myth of Leda and the Swan (Zeus in disguise). Leda gave birth to Helen of Troy, who was arguably the source of the Trojan War. In Euripides’ ‘Helen’, it is revealed that Hera made an ‘eidolon’ or copy of Helen and hid the real Helen in a temple for ten years while the war raged on. Might this be a clue that Helena in Orphan Black is the original? She grew up/was hidden in a monastery and was captured by the rival side, after all. This might also point to the clones’ father being a Zeus-figure, who played God in their creation… like Aldous Leekie?
I love this and I love you for thinking of it.
I actually looked up Leda the other day hoping to find tidbits like this. LOL I am obsessed.
DUDE whoa
yes!
Mrs. S is such a badass, I love it! Also, I about died when Delphine said she wanted to make crazy science with Cosima in the new lab.
FELIX APPRECIATION POST!!! What an adorable bum. And those eyebrows. Teach me your ways, Fe.
Also, the caption about TFA cracked me up.
I was so confused about why that priest/farmer guy seemed so familiar!
Did Donnie go to the same spy school as bad accent no why? because they’re just terrible spies.
And now I’ve got all these sad,disappointed bomb girl feelings.
Love this episode and this recap! Cophine scenes were sooo cute! MOOT MOOT! And bloody hell, Alison thinks she’s useless and alone and her life is falling apart and I’m sad because of that, she needs to realize she’s a strong woman, I think she’s my fave now altho a BuzzFeed quiz says I’m more of a Sarah clone. ANYWAY LONG LIVE THE #CLONECLUB