And in the world of the absolute worst ideas ever, Bennett takes his Howdy Doody ass to visit Cesar and see how Daya’s family lives. Bennett needs to know if it’s cool to dump his baby here for a bit, just until things like cool off, you know?
In the time that Aleida and Daya have been in prison, which is somehow shorter than the time Daya’s been pregnant, Cesar’s knocked up some other chica and she’s given birth. How did she give birth before Daya? MYSTERIES!
Bennett’s proposal to Daya in the prison schoolyard gives him a pass into Cesar’s home. PS- I love the Dominican and Puerto Rican accents on this show. They’re so New York. It’s like music to my ears, y’all. Anyway.
Four kids and a baby are seen in the background of this scene. Cuz you know us Latinos, always having about 4-6 babies per person. Cesar loses his temper with the kids and his new baby’s momma. Bennett gets to stay for dinner.
Caputo finds out for sure that Litchfield is closing in two months.
During dinner, Cesar pulls out a gun on his son for not eating french fries.
Listen, I’ve got about 57 boy cousins, running the gamut from those involved in less-than-reputable employment pursuits and those in trade unions or the army, servers, teachers, et cetera. And NONE of them have ever pulled a gun on their kid. I’m sure it happens but that scene just left me dumbfounded. Like damn, okay they’re hood so what but damn, now they’ve got to also be abusive/ borderline murderous folks?
Bennett doesnt even stand up to Cesar. He stays there and hangs around in a scene that goes on for a little too long. Poor Daya. Ay.
We flash back to Bennett with his platoon watching as bombs are dropped over enemy targets. The Muslim soldier from before tries to warn them of a bomb threat but he gets shot by a US soldier. The other Muslim soldiers toss a grenade into the barracks and Bennett’s buddy throws his body onto it.
And in the most questionable transition ever, instead of an explosion we cut to the sound of a dog farting. Ew. Right into Healey’s office. Gag.
Red asks Healey to take her husband off her visitor’s list and add her lawyer. Healey opens his mouth and dribbles out unwanted marital advice and probably crumbs from his breakfast too.
Red shuts him down and says she’s dumping her husband and spending the rest of her sentence getting the butt. Once again, Healey takes this as an opportunity to lament over his failed mail-order bride situation. Can we get this guy a parrot or something?
Nichols lies to Boo about the heroin getting stolen.
Caputo and friends burn the bed bugs out of the mattresses and books. They also toast marshmallows and sing each other some lez-friendly folks songs.
What do maxi pads, wild leaves, toilet paper and shaving cream have in common? They’re all items used by inmates to keep the chinches away! Obvs, no match for Lysol tho.
Piper: I lie. I get in trouble. I truth. I get in trouble. I can’t do anything right.
Red: What are you asking for? Advice? Here’s some: stop buying into your own horseshit.
And the show ended there because that’s all anyone ever needed to tell Piper ever again. All the rest of the inmates were freed thereafter. Except for Jenny Schecter.
A ray of bright, warm, shiny light comes down from the heavens and Piper, eyes even wider than a doe’s, says, “Maybe I am manipulative.”
Bennett and Cesar talk man things like infidelity, beers, and not changing diapers. We do get to see a super cute pic of Daya from her Sweet 16.
With just her eyes and one slam of a library door, Piper gets Alex alone.
Alex smacks Piper dead in her face! No bullshit. She smacks her with a solid whap and a cry of “You Bitch!”
They proceed to have WWE style sex in the library. For those of you into Piper and Alex, I hope this moment was everything you needed it to be.
Sorry but bed-bugs, codependent/violent relationships and garbage dresses just don’t do it for me. Just call me a stick in the lesbian prison mud.
Bennett cries and takes off in his SUV. BYE BENNETT.
Note: At this episode’s end, Daya was still pregnant.
