Hello and welcome to the eighth recap of the second season of Orange is The New Black, a show about what happens after the entire cast of Pretty Little Liars finally gets busted.  You might notice that I’m neither your fantasy girlfriend Kate Severance, nor our fearless leader Riese, nor musical heartthrob/ice cream feelings crying cut-offs little dog enthusiast Mal Blum!

Instead you might recognize me, Lizz, from the pages of Pretty Little Liars, or Glee or idk your cousin’s bar mitzvah a few years ago. In other words, we’ll have a variety of recappers filling in for OITNB over the next few weeks, but this episode is devoted to me and my new bff Rosa.

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We open we do every episode to the sweet sounds of Regina Spektor and the faces of incarcerated women. You guys don’t know this because we don’t live together, yet, but I actually sing along to the opening theme every single time. I also sing along to the opening of Big Bang Theory but that’s neither here nor there.

We actually open on Miss Rosa sitting in Healy’s office wearing a nightgown, hoodie and a generally unimpressed facial expression.

In case you haven’t been furiously watching all of OITNB without stopping, or even if you have, I will remind you that Miss Rosa is the bad ass who let us know that “No one fucks with cancer.” Those, I suspect, are words to live by.

So Healy tells Miss Rosa that her doctors say she needs a bilateral salpingo oophorectomy which is a fancy way of saying she needs her ovaries and fallopian tubes removed. Unfortunately the prison isn’t going to pay for it.

At this point in the episode I’d like to make a disclosure.

Disclosure: I am a medical student and am therefore very likely unable to discuss prison medical treatment from an unbiased standpoint. To make matters worse I don’t know anything about prison medical care other than that the US Supreme Court has ruled that inmates must be provided with standard of care medicine.

In other words, I imagine that Miss Rosa’s treatment accurately reflects some prisoner’s experiences and doesn’t accurately reflect others. I have no idea.

Healy: I’m your counselor. I’m here to help you through it.

Miss Rosa: There is no through this. I’m going to die.

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We flash back to Miss Rosa as a young woman and all do a private little celebration because, is it just me or is this the moment we’ve been waiting for forever and ever? Like forever.

Rosa and her husband Marco sit in the backseat of a car chatting about who has spinach in their teeth. Then Marco hands Rosa a gun. So that’s where we’re at. Marco tells Rosa that everyone is nervous their first time and then they start to enjoy it. We all side eye and whisper “That’s what she said.”

Marco tells Rosa, “We kiss before and we kiss after” before sharing a big sloppy kiss.

So, like then they and their friends proceed to rob a bank. NBD.

Things go south towards the end of their heist, and when Rosa goes to shoot a guard it turns out, womp womp, her gun isn’t loaded. But actually this is great news because instead of this being the end of Rosa’s story and her getting put away for killing a cop or something, she and Marco run off and sit happily in the car. Smelling all that delicious money.

Rosa then suddenly realizes that Marco has a terrible gunshot wound to the back. Do we ever use the phrase “shot in the back” to mean the same thing as “stabbed in the back?” No? Okay just checking to see if there was a double layered metaphor here or something. I guess not.

The two go in for their “after” kiss, which they share before Marco promptly dies.  This is not ideal.

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We hop in our time machine back to the 2010s in a little ol’ prison in Connecticut where Caputo is investigating all of Red’s plants in the Official Penitentiary Greenhouse.  Caputo just loves the smell of fresh soil in the morning and wants to have a little space for “his own guys to bust out a little.” Gross.

Anyways Red is not so much wanting Caputo to be in the greenhouse, what with it being her entire base of operation for smuggling fancy things into the prison.

Caputo is all like, “Oh well see you in the AM for the next million billion years BFF Red!” Obviously Red is going to have to hatch a plan in order to end up on top. I mean it wouldn’t be Litchfield without Red hatching a plan. Or really bad food. Ironically you need both.

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In the laundry room Baby Brook is telling everyone about how she just loves doing laundry for women. Making things clean and stuff.

This leads Pennsatucky’s former gang to dropping hints to Baby Brook about deodorants and the importance of windows. Pennsatucky breaks the news to Baby Brook that actually, she just really smells. They all think she smells.  While there’s an argument to be made that maybe everyone doesn’t need to spend so much time getting all up in her business to smell Soso, regardless, there is a smell problem.

Soso is pretty mortified. I get that. Guys, promise me you’ll tell me if I ever have a BO problem. Seriously. You have to promise.

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Elsewhere, Piper also discusses bathing: specifically the bathing of a senile elderly inmate and the things that may or may not grow in skin folds. That is to say, the Golden Girls are pretty worried about Jimmy following her “Compassionate Release” aka Dump-and-Run.

Piper takes this as an opportunity to — surprise surprise — talk about herself. She tells the Golden Girls her grandmother is dying and how she loves her/will miss her/was inspired by her etc. etc.

Piper: She told me, “Go out and eat the world Piper. Don’t you get stuck at home with some man.” I may have taken that last part too literally.

The Golden Girls have a wealth of knowledge and insight.

Taslitz: Your mother sounds like a twat.

Just then, Piper is pulled away into the hallway by Healy who has amazing magical news. She got furlough!! Why? Because favoritism/racism/classism/Healy’s generally confusing character development.

In another hallway some legal and emotional distance away, Officer Electrician brings Officer Fischer a hot chocolate. What is the actual name of the officer from the electric department? Apparently it’s Joel Luschek. Even I had to look that one up.

Regardless Officer Electrician and Officer Fischer proceed to have a lovers quarrel about the importance of returning text messages. And with real answers, you know? Not just with emojis. That doesn’t count. Not if I’ve asked a specific question that needs you to provide me with a yes or no answer and a time. Like if I ask what time you want to have dinner don’t just respond with a smily face poo emoji. Please. Just saying.

Anyways so then Officer Electrician says — Wait. I just remembered I don’t care about the CO’s lives at all whatsoever.

Around the corner Figueroa shows her face and her shoes which have gum on them and are Loo Boo Tons for Christ sake. Gosh. Can’t a woman walk around in high fashion in a low security prison without getting gum on her shoes?

Apparently not and apparently gum is contraband.

So Fig goes on a tirade about the importance of enforcing rules and how she’s paying attention and no one else is and I would write the whole thing out except whenever Fig is on stage I want to yawn and/or get up and make some popcorn and there are way better parts of this episode coming.

Oh but then she does say Soso has to take a shower.

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At lunch Daya plot ways to have her baby and get it out of prison. Pretending she’s fat and having it in a broom closet and sneaking it out in Bennett prosthetic leg seems like a good idea. Other options seem to include sneaking the baby out of the hole Red dug in the green house or maybe just fitting him with a little tiny pair of orange scrubs and hoping everyone just thinks he’s a new inmate.

Meanwhile, Red and Mendoza plot/plan/do business together and it’s awesome. I would watch a show just called Red and Mendoza which consists exclusively of clips of the two of them scheming in hushed voices.

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Let’s take a quick hop out of fantasy fun time prison and scoot on over to the even more uplifting scenery of the chemo infusion center! Rosa chats with her teen BFF who I’m going to henceforth call Beanie Baby because of his hat and because every time I tried to write Beanie Boy I accidentally wrote Beanie Baby. Rosa tells Beanie Baby that the nurse taking care of them is totally an alcoholic. Then Rosa successfully predicts all of the nurse’s movements (including such winners as “taking a swig of something” and “popping a piece of gum”) which leads the teenage boy to think she’s casing the joint. This may be the case. She also may be a magician. Or bored out of her skull. Or maybe the nurse is just super predictable. Or maybe she got lucky. I’m going with magician because it’s the most fun and I love a good magician assistant costume.

Beanie Baby convinces Rosa they should steal the nurse’s wallet. One last heist before Rosa, you know, dies and stuff. Rosa tells Beanie Baby they gotta time this just right, and wait for the moment in which the CO is checking on Morello and the receptionist is smoking a cigarette.

Beanie Baby: So what, we just wait?

Rosa: We wait.

Cue the flashback.

Rosa is now older and wiser, but not by much. Regardless she’s got a new husband, Andy, and a cool new attitude. Also a cool new sweater which probably doesn’t play directly into the plot but I think is worth noting.

Also she clearly has a real gun now which is sad because guns are terrible and gun violence is a horrible problem in America.

Rosa, Andy and their crime BFF plan a heist. Rosa is now the super pro running the show and being a general badass. They get pumped to leave because they gotta get this shit done before noon. Rush hour’s a bitch on Friday afternoon, you know? Before they leave Rosa plants a nice big Before kiss on Andy’s mouth. We’ve seen this before.

As the drive the getaway car away Andy suddenly has a life ending heart attack.

Yes. A heart attack. Right there, without warning.

Previous statements by Rosa are suddenly called to mind.

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Back in our favorite place in the entire world, Litchfield Penitentiary, Piper tries really hard to make a call to her mother. Her mother instead has the most obnoxious outgoing voice message.

I try really hard not vomit.

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Outside, Nicky shows Officer Electrician how to make a Litchfield Lighter. The irony of Officer Electrician not knowing how batteries work is not lost on anyone.

I thought about showing you guys a video on how to make a Litchfield Lighter but then it felt super irresponsible because I think it might be super dangerous. Instead I offer you this video of Yael Stone and Natasha Lyonne talking about sex on OITNB.

Just then Caputo walks up and is like annoying and stuff per usual.

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Elsewhere, Piper, Flaca and Daya are working on their prison newspaper. Of importance is this hilarious article on Fischer. From what I can read, Officer Fischer’s favorite books include Forever, Judy Blume’s YA novel about teen sexuality. Like more than her other novels. Like this is the one that includes graphic descriptions of teenage sex. Um. You know. Not that I read it when I was a teenager. You know, definitely not.

Flaca is preparing her advice column for the girl whose bunkmate keeps stealing her things. It’s a good Flaca moment.

Piper: Tell her to buy a lock at comissary.

Flaca: That’s what I’m saying! Buy a lock, put it in a sock and slock the bitch down!

You know, I used to write an advice column for my elementary school newspaper. It was one part real advice, one part humorous advice. In retrospect it may have been a sign of things to come.

Piper tells the girls they have to finish the paper early because of her furlough. Flaca and Daya are like “WTF you did not even get furlough, no one gets furlough!” This seems particularly true given that Daya really fucking needs furlough to go have her baby and stuff.

Sister Ingalls: I’ve been in the Catholic Church a lot of years and this is my first honest to goodness miracle. Use it well. 

Over in the corrections office, Caputo confronts Bennett who is drinking a green smoothie situation. Of note, I suspect, for the first time ever, that Bennett might be a lesbian when he expresses belief that chewing tobacco and drinking kale smoothies merits a net neutral.

Caputo goes off on Bennet about how they shouldn’t have any friends on the inside and to be careful not to trust anyone or ask for advice or get too chummy. This of course resonates in his brain for about 5 seconds too long before he realizes that Red has been sneaking contraband in. He is pissed.

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Across town, at the chemo infusion center Rosa’s CO goes to check on Morello. It’s not exactly relevant to the plot, but it’s one of my favorite exchanges of all time.

Morello: Fischer never came to visit when she had Rosa. You know what she used to do? She’d bring me a health bar and a cold Dr. Pepper at the end of the day. Isn’t that thoughtful? Maybe you could do that when you come to check on me?

CO: I’ll see you in an hour.

Morello: Maybe you could just bring me an empty bottle that I could pee into, I can’t get out of the van, right?

CO: Oh, you can get out and take a squat in the back and then get back in.

Inside, the receptionist goes out to take her cigarette break which means that it’s time for Rosa and Beanie Baby’s heist! Beanie Baby fakes like he’s going to the bathroom while Rosa fakes like her port is leaking!

Beanie Baby digs through the nurse’s things while Rosa distracts her discussing her 2 karat diamond ring and its cost. Let that be a lesson to you kids, women are easily distracted by their engagement rings and all the money men spend on them.

The heist goes without a hitch.

Rosa: I never thought I’d get so excited over sixty-three dollars.

Rosa hands Beanie Baby his hilariously small cut of twenty bucks, which he doesn’t realize is actually totally fair after The Patriarchy Tax. Just then, Beanie Baby gets taken to speak with the doctor and his mother.

Beanie Baby: This isn’t enough!

Rosa: It’s never enough.

Cue the flashback.

Rosa and the only guy left in her posse drive off after another heist. Rosa, drunk with power/money/success, decides to rob a second bank for the day. Off the cuff. Alone. We’ll see how this works out, but I think we know.

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Flash forward to The Modern Era when Piper tells Sophia and Anita DeMarco all about her furlough. Piper needs to shut her damn mouth. Sophia and DeMarco want to know is Piper is gonna get it on with Larry or what. Piper proceeds to go on a longwinded rant about how she’s going to spend this time with her grandmother asking her all the questions and having all the feelings and how this prison really does have a heart/soul/gooey center.

DeMarco: Bullshit! I applied twice! Once when my husband had open heart surgery and once for the birth of my first grandchild. They told me to go fuck myself. Never held the baby. And I love me some baby holding.

Sophia: I applied too. Nothing. My father had a lung transplant that didn’t take. We hadn’t spoken since I transitioned. He was a real hard ass. But in the end he started asking for me. He even used my real name: Sophia. People get soft, you know, when they’re dying. If I could have seen him, I don’t know, would have felt like closure. But we don’t a lot of that in this life, do we? Add it to my list of regrets. But grandmothers, they’re important too.

And you can take that one to the fucking bank. So like I said. Piper needs to shut her damn mouth.

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Over in the greenhouse Caputo takes out his rage on some unsuspecting plant life.

He doesn’t find anything because Red is 100% smarter than him. Maybe 200% smarter.

While all this is going on Officer Fischer and the other COs discuss how much they hate the shot quota and, oh yeah, also Fig. When Caputo walks in post-plantfest, the COs nudge Fischer to say something.

Now Fischer, she is just not built for confrontation. But she gives it a go! She’s a go giver. She tells Caputo they’re not treating the prisoners fairly and basically says they deserve to feel safe/respect/understood. Imagine that.

Fischer: You can’t just punish someone arbitrarily to make an example—

Caputo: You’re fired.

Turns out actually you can punish someone arbitrarily to make an example.

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In the kitchen Mendoza teaches us our new favorite insult:

Mendoza: That girl is as useless as a dildo with balls.

Vee shows up and wants to know wtf is going on between Red and Mendoza. Mendoza doesn’t fuck around though.

Mendoza: Whatever you think you know, you don’t. I’m keeping my hands clean; my shit polished. I don’t have any connections with vendors or illegal swag coming through. I don’t trust any of you crazy bitches. You both fucking scorpions.

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Over in the prison nondenominational chapel Fischer tries to process what the hell just happened. Mid-processing she notices Nicky on the floor smoking a cigarette.

Fischer tells Nicky she got fired, to which Nicky tells her it’s the best thing that ever happened to her! She recommends Fischer look into technical college or cosmetology school. She highly recommends learning to “wax armpits and vag lips.” I mean, that’s Nicky’s plan for when she gets out; the vag lips part anyways.

Fischer: A while back, were you hitting on me?

Nicky: We don’t dream, we die. So… how’d I do?

Fischer: I thought about it.

Nicky: Seriously?

Fischer: Not in a thousand years. But thank you.

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Back at the chemo infusion center Rosa is leaving when she passes Beanie Baby and his mom crying. We’re all like shiiiiiiit because the only thing sadder than an old woman dying of cancer is a young kid dying of cancer.

Rosa instantly blames herself for not doing the before and after kiss. She tells him that all the men in her life die.

Beanie Baby: I’m not a man in your life. I’m a little shit pot. You said so yourself.

Rosa: You’re too fucking young to die

Beanie Baby: So I’m not gonna die. I’m done with chemo, I’m in remission.

[tearful farewell waves of friendship]

Beanie Baby: Enjoy prison!

Rosa: Enjoy your life shit pot!

Am I crying tears of joy? I would be if someone could tell me how that kid did all that chemo without losing his hair.

Flashback to Rosa when she first enters prison. Turns out she did get busted doing that impromptu robbery.

Rosa professes her undying love for her former partner and all the men she loved before him. Just kidding she professes her undying love for money. Cold hard cash. The smell of money. The look of money. The rush of money. It’s all about the fucking bills.

For the record I did a little recon work for this recap and took some fresh bills out the ATM. They smelled mostly like paper with a hint of hand fungus.

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Flashing forward in time (but not in space) we arrive at the dinner line. Taystee is pisssssed that Chapman is getting special treatment. See! I told you to shut your damn mouth!

Nicky: Everyone hates your fucking guts.

Piper: Yeah. What else is new?

So Piper stands up and gives a passionate speech about how she’s aware that white privilege has afforded her luxuries in prison and in life, but that she loves her grandmother and she wants to be with her whiles she’s dying.

So Suzanne throws food at her head.

And no, it doesn’t devolve into an adorable chaotic food fight a la tween girls summer camp.

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Later, in the kitchen, Red and Mendoza finally let us in on what they’ve been sneaking about all episode. And about why Caputo didn’t find anything in the greenhouse. Mendoza hid it for Red in the freezer.

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Back in Healy’s office, or as I like to call it, the Department of the Legally Boring, Piper tries to give back her furlough. As though furlough is some sort of currency that will be given to someone else, if not her.  Healy goes on a long rant about how he’s a paper pusher and sometimes he can give some papers an extra push.

As a side note: I’m pretty sure furloughs are decided by judges, not wardens, but no one asked me.

And then Healy does some medium-decent counseling and tells Chapman that girls will talk but Chapman should ignore her because she’s being given a chance to say goodbye and that’s a big fucking deal. Most people don’t get that. Actually (this is me, not Healy) most people who aren’t incarcerated don’t even get that.

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Back at the family greenhouse Caputo feels awfully sheepish. He brought brand new plants and everything. The Golden Girls stare him the fuck down. You don’t fuck with the Golden Girls’ plants.

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Over in their cozy little bunk for two, Chapman asks Red how she would spend a day of furlough. Red says she’s go to her market and make sure everything is in tip top shape in her absence. Maybe tit-punch a mafia wife. The usual stuff.

Red suddenly has the great idea that Piper could check out the shop for her! Apparently people come for miles and miles to eat her delicious baked goods and stand outside smelling the piroshki and shouldn’t Piper should get her ass over there and smell it for herself? Piper should say, “Of course I will definitely check out your shop,” but instead she gives some BS wishy washy Piper answer. Ugh. C’mon Pipes, stop being the worst ever.

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Meanwhile we finally circle back to that thing where Soso was smelly. Did you know that not bathing has actually been used as a form of prisoner protest? Specifically used by imprisoned members of the Irish Republican Army to protest the British treating them as criminal prisoners rather than political prisoners. Speaking of protest…

Soso: I am demonstrating passive resistance.

Bell: We are demonstrating aggressive aggression.

Bell drags Soso to the bathrooms and forces her to shower while she cries. It’s actually really sad. She doesn’t even put on shower shoes beforehand.

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Rosa comes home and is greeted by DeMarco. I feel like there’s a lot of unexplored friendship between DeMarco and Rosa. Rosa tells DeMarco that Beanie Baby is in remission and that she’s going to die soon.

Rosa: I always pictured myself going out in a blaze of glory. Hail, gunfire, screeching tires. But this kind of death? This slow, invisible, disappearing into nothing. It’s terrifying. I want to go back to sleep now. My chemo wipes me out.

And while we ponder how on earth Rosa is going through chemo in prison and not vomiting her brains out, Rosa pulls out the stack of money from earlier and gives it a nice deep sniff.

Is it just me or does it seem like this episode has a lot of people smelling other things. Why is everyone smelling everything?

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Back on the ranch aka Pipers self-involved journey of selfness, our lovely protagonist calls her mom. “Mom!” She says, “I got furlough! I’m gonna be freeeeee! Freee I tell you!” But Piper’s mom is like, “Slow your roll. You grandmother already died.”

This is actually wicked sad because the real Piper aka Piper Kerman actually lost her grandmother while she was in prison. Kerman talks brilliantly in her book about what that loss was like and how prison takes from you those life moments. Piper Chapman sobs on the phone which I think conveys approximately the same thing.

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Caputo goes into Fig’s office and tells her that he fired Fischer. Fig is like “Long hair don’t care” both because she has long hair and also doesn’t care. I just wanted to explain that for you guys.

Fig is like “NBD I’ve got the best idea for replacing one of the only women staffers in this women’s prison.” Is her idea the best idea ever? What do you think?

Nah. It’s Pornstache.

Fucking Pornstache.

Pornstache.

This guy.

So wait. Let’s replace a really nice woman staffer with the grossest most vile man who was not only repeatedly involved in shady business, he also had sex with an inmate. Which the admins know.

Ew Fig. Ew.

Cut to the credits to the tune of “Bitchin’ Camaro.”

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So that wraps things up for this week! Tune in next week when we’ll discover just exactly what Piper does with her furlough. What do we think? Something unusual and crazy and f—wait. I don’t need to tell you guys. You probably already watched the whole season.

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