Orange is the New Black Episode 208 Recap: The Smell of Appropriately Sized Pots

In another hallway some legal and emotional distance away, Officer Electrician brings Officer Fischer a hot chocolate. What is the actual name of the officer from the electric department? Apparently it’s Joel Luschek. Even I had to look that one up.

Regardless Officer Electrician and Officer Fischer proceed to have a lovers quarrel about the importance of returning text messages. And with real answers, you know? Not just with emojis. That doesn’t count. Not if I’ve asked a specific question that needs you to provide me with a yes or no answer and a time. Like if I ask what time you want to have dinner don’t just respond with a smily face poo emoji. Please. Just saying.

Anyways so then Officer Electrician says — Wait. I just remembered I don’t care about the CO’s lives at all whatsoever.

Around the corner Figueroa shows her face and her shoes which have gum on them and are Loo Boo Tons for Christ sake. Gosh. Can’t a woman walk around in high fashion in a low security prison without getting gum on her shoes?

Apparently not and apparently gum is contraband.

So Fig goes on a tirade about the importance of enforcing rules and how she’s paying attention and no one else is and I would write the whole thing out except whenever Fig is on stage I want to yawn and/or get up and make some popcorn and there are way better parts of this episode coming.

Oh but then she does say Soso has to take a shower.

At lunch Daya plot ways to have her baby and get it out of prison. Pretending she’s fat and having it in a broom closet and sneaking it out in Bennett prosthetic leg seems like a good idea. Other options seem to include sneaking the baby out of the hole Red dug in the green house or maybe just fitting him with a little tiny pair of orange scrubs and hoping everyone just thinks he’s a new inmate.

Meanwhile, Red and Mendoza plot/plan/do business together and it’s awesome. I would watch a show just called Red and Mendoza which consists exclusively of clips of the two of them scheming in hushed voices.

Let’s take a quick hop out of fantasy fun time prison and scoot on over to the even more uplifting scenery of the chemo infusion center! Rosa chats with her teen BFF who I’m going to henceforth call Beanie Baby because of his hat and because every time I tried to write Beanie Boy I accidentally wrote Beanie Baby. Rosa tells Beanie Baby that the nurse taking care of them is totally an alcoholic. Then Rosa successfully predicts all of the nurse’s movements (including such winners as “taking a swig of something” and “popping a piece of gum”) which leads the teenage boy to think she’s casing the joint. This may be the case. She also may be a magician. Or bored out of her skull. Or maybe the nurse is just super predictable. Or maybe she got lucky. I’m going with magician because it’s the most fun and I love a good magician assistant costume.

Beanie Baby convinces Rosa they should steal the nurse’s wallet. One last heist before Rosa, you know, dies and stuff. Rosa tells Beanie Baby they gotta time this just right, and wait for the moment in which the CO is checking on Morello and the receptionist is smoking a cigarette.

Beanie Baby: So what, we just wait?

Rosa: We wait.

Cue the flashback.

Rosa is now older and wiser, but not by much. Regardless she’s got a new husband, Andy, and a cool new attitude. Also a cool new sweater which probably doesn’t play directly into the plot but I think is worth noting.

Also she clearly has a real gun now which is sad because guns are terrible and gun violence is a horrible problem in America.

Rosa, Andy and their crime BFF plan a heist. Rosa is now the super pro running the show and being a general badass. They get pumped to leave because they gotta get this shit done before noon. Rush hour’s a bitch on Friday afternoon, you know? Before they leave Rosa plants a nice big Before kiss on Andy’s mouth. We’ve seen this before.

As the drive the getaway car away Andy suddenly has a life ending heart attack.

Yes. A heart attack. Right there, without warning.

Previous statements by Rosa are suddenly called to mind.

Back in our favorite place in the entire world, Litchfield Penitentiary, Piper tries really hard to make a call to her mother. Her mother instead has the most obnoxious outgoing voice message.

I try really hard not vomit.

Outside, Nicky shows Officer Electrician how to make a Litchfield Lighter. The irony of Officer Electrician not knowing how batteries work is not lost on anyone.

I thought about showing you guys a video on how to make a Litchfield Lighter but then it felt super irresponsible because I think it might be super dangerous. Instead I offer you this video of Yael Stone and Natasha Lyonne talking about sex on OITNB.

Just then Caputo walks up and is like annoying and stuff per usual.

Elsewhere, Piper, Flaca and Daya are working on their prison newspaper. Of importance is this hilarious article on Fischer. From what I can read, Officer Fischer’s favorite books include Forever, Judy Blume’s YA novel about teen sexuality. Like more than her other novels. Like this is the one that includes graphic descriptions of teenage sex. Um. You know. Not that I read it when I was a teenager. You know, definitely not.

Flaca is preparing her advice column for the girl whose bunkmate keeps stealing her things. It’s a good Flaca moment.

Piper: Tell her to buy a lock at comissary.

Flaca: That’s what I’m saying! Buy a lock, put it in a sock and slock the bitch down!

You know, I used to write an advice column for my elementary school newspaper. It was one part real advice, one part humorous advice. In retrospect it may have been a sign of things to come.

Piper tells the girls they have to finish the paper early because of her furlough. Flaca and Daya are like “WTF you did not even get furlough, no one gets furlough!” This seems particularly true given that Daya really fucking needs furlough to go have her baby and stuff.

Sister Ingalls: I’ve been in the Catholic Church a lot of years and this is my first honest to goodness miracle. Use it well.