In another hallway some legal and emotional distance away, Officer Electrician brings Officer Fischer a hot chocolate. What is the actual name of the officer from the electric department? Apparently it’s Joel Luschek. Even I had to look that one up.
I’m sorry! I tried to have them write “Sex Demon” as your name on the cup but the guy at Starbucks wouldn’t do it!
Regardless Officer Electrician and Officer Fischer proceed to have a lovers quarrel about the importance of returning text messages. And with real answers, you know? Not just with emojis. That doesn’t count. Not if I’ve asked a specific question that needs you to provide me with a yes or no answer and a time. Like if I ask what time you want to have dinner don’t just respond with a smily face poo emoji. Please. Just saying.
Why does this coffee taste like decaf? If this is decaf I will literally die.
Anyways so then Officer Electrician says — Wait. I just remembered I don’t care about the CO’s lives at all whatsoever.
Around the corner Figueroa shows her face and her shoes which have gum on them and are Loo Boo Tons for Christ sake. Gosh. Can’t a woman walk around in high fashion in a low security prison without getting gum on her shoes?
Who’s got one thumb and a big stick up her ass?
Apparently not and apparently gum is contraband.
So Fig goes on a tirade about the importance of enforcing rules and how she’s paying attention and no one else is and I would write the whole thing out except whenever Fig is on stage I want to yawn and/or get up and make some popcorn and there are way better parts of this episode coming.
And no more crowbar mustaches. They look ridiculous.
Oh but then she does say Soso has to take a shower.
At lunch Daya plot ways to have her baby and get it out of prison. Pretending she’s fat and having it in a broom closet and sneaking it out in Bennett prosthetic leg seems like a good idea. Other options seem to include sneaking the baby out of the hole Red dug in the green house or maybe just fitting him with a little tiny pair of orange scrubs and hoping everyone just thinks he’s a new inmate.
Or maybe we’ll just hide him in a tampon applicators like Vee’s cigarettes.
Meanwhile, Red and Mendoza plot/plan/do business together and it’s awesome. I would watch a show just called Red and Mendoza which consists exclusively of clips of the two of them scheming in hushed voices.
Let’s take a quick hop out of fantasy fun time prison and scoot on over to the even more uplifting scenery of the chemo infusion center! Rosa chats with her teen BFF who I’m going to henceforth call Beanie Baby because of his hat and because every time I tried to write Beanie Boy I accidentally wrote Beanie Baby. Rosa tells Beanie Baby that the nurse taking care of them is totally an alcoholic. Then Rosa successfully predicts all of the nurse’s movements (including such winners as “taking a swig of something” and “popping a piece of gum”) which leads the teenage boy to think she’s casing the joint. This may be the case. She also may be a magician. Or bored out of her skull. Or maybe the nurse is just super predictable. Or maybe she got lucky. I’m going with magician because it’s the most fun and I love a good magician assistant costume.
Luck ain’t got nothing to do with it.
Beanie Baby convinces Rosa they should steal the nurse’s wallet. One last heist before Rosa, you know, dies and stuff. Rosa tells Beanie Baby they gotta time this just right, and wait for the moment in which the CO is checking on Morello and the receptionist is smoking a cigarette.
Don’t fuck this up kid.
Beanie Baby: So what, we just wait?
Rosa: We wait.
Cue the flashback.
This is gonna be the best game night ever.
Rosa is now older and wiser, but not by much. Regardless she’s got a new husband, Andy, and a cool new attitude. Also a cool new sweater which probably doesn’t play directly into the plot but I think is worth noting.
Also she clearly has a real gun now which is sad because guns are terrible and gun violence is a horrible problem in America.
Rosa, Andy and their crime BFF plan a heist. Rosa is now the super pro running the show and being a general badass. They get pumped to leave because they gotta get this shit done before noon. Rush hour’s a bitch on Friday afternoon, you know? Before they leave Rosa plants a nice big Before kiss on Andy’s mouth. We’ve seen this before.
And if you’re very very good maybe I’ll let you lick my boots
As the drive the getaway car away Andy suddenly has a life ending heart attack.
I know you’re a practical jokester but this feels like the wrong time.
Yes. A heart attack. Right there, without warning.
Previous statements by Rosa are suddenly called to mind. 
Back in our favorite place in the entire world, Litchfield Penitentiary, Piper tries really hard to make a call to her mother. Her mother instead has the most obnoxious outgoing voice message.
Guys can everyone be quiet? I’m trying to place a phone call that’s all about me.
I try really hard not vomit.
Outside, Nicky shows Officer Electrician how to make a Litchfield Lighter. The irony of Officer Electrician not knowing how batteries work is not lost on anyone.
Because playing with fire is always a good idea and never goes wrong.
Did you know smoking increases your risk for vulvar cancer?
I thought about showing you guys a video on how to make a Litchfield Lighter but then it felt super irresponsible because I think it might be super dangerous. Instead I offer you this video of Yael Stone and Natasha Lyonne talking about sex on OITNB.
Just then Caputo walks up and is like annoying and stuff per usual.
Hey can either of you guys show me how to properly tie a tie?
Elsewhere, Piper, Flaca and Daya are working on their prison newspaper. Of importance is this hilarious article on Fischer. From what I can read, Officer Fischer’s favorite books include Forever, Judy Blume’s YA novel about teen sexuality. Like more than her other novels. Like this is the one that includes graphic descriptions of teenage sex. Um. You know. Not that I read it when I was a teenager. You know, definitely not.
I should probably read that article of Three Ways to Get a Man to Like You
Flaca is preparing her advice column for the girl whose bunkmate keeps stealing her things. It’s a good Flaca moment.
Daya definitely thinks this chick stole her pencil.
Piper: Tell her to buy a lock at comissary.
Flaca: That’s what I’m saying! Buy a lock, put it in a sock and slock the bitch down!
You know, I used to write an advice column for my elementary school newspaper. It was one part real advice, one part humorous advice. In retrospect it may have been a sign of things to come.
Yeah!! CPR!!
Piper tells the girls they have to finish the paper early because of her furlough. Flaca and Daya are like “WTF you did not even get furlough, no one gets furlough!” This seems particularly true given that Daya really fucking needs furlough to go have her baby and stuff.
Someone’s been drawing in the bible again!
Sister Ingalls: I’ve been in the Catholic Church a lot of years and this is my first honest to goodness miracle. Use it well.
Pages: 1 2 3See entire article on one page
My girlfriend and I massively rock out to the opening song every time, headbang around the room, bounce on the sofa, fist waving, shout-singing along. Can’t help it.
So yeah :D
I love Fischer probably more than I should justifiably love any of the COs, so the screenshot of her article is very appreciated. And it possibly made me fall in love with her a little bit.
Oh yeah I have a total Fischer crush; despite my basically antiauthoritarian nature I have a perplexing thing for women in uniforms, and her many extremely awkward attempts to do the right thing feel very real and endearing.
My favorite scene in this episode is Nicky and Fischer. It helped me get over some of my squickiness about Nicky being so predatory this season.
I nearly flipped a table at Red’s pronunciation of “piroshki”.
I EXPECT PERFECTION FROM YOU, MULGREW.
PERFECTION!!
Yes wouldn’t it be “pirozhki”?? I and my extremely rudimentary Russian were befuddled by this.
No, it was the placement of the emphasis that was wrong. Red was saying it as “Pi-ROSH-ki” (like pierogy) instead of placing the stress on the last syllable. DROVE ME UP THE WALL.
You’re correct that it is spelled with a “zh” in Russian, but when pronouncing the word it can be easily swallowed to make it sound like a “sh”.
My interpretation is that Red was dumbing it down for Chapman, because she clearly can’t handle any non-American pronunciations.
Nope, actually saying it correctly wouldn’t be too difficult for an Anglo. The show has treated Russian language and identity ABYSMALLY so this is just par for the course.
Also, the fact that Red calls her son Vasiliy instead of Vasya makes it clear that nobody who actually speaks Russian was consulted for the script.
Unrelated to OITNB, I thought the texting exchange between Lizz and Mal Blum was really endearing. In my mind I like to pretend that the Autostraddle staff receive really odd questions from each other via text at all hours of the day and night and NO ONE QUESTIONS IT. When you guys come out with the 25 year anniversary coffee table book complete with full spread color pictures, I want a generous helping of examples of the weirdness.
We do that!! It’s real we really so!
Haha! I WAS GIVING YOU OPTIONS, I thought maybe you would pick one. I really appreciate that you picked all of them. Maybe the Autostraddle community would appreciate a video of you singing the OITNB theme song followed by one of your re-imagined Disney biology songs? Just an idea.
I will do it if you will back me up!
Fischer brought Morello a Heath Bar, which is toffee and milk chocolate. A good treat.
I would probably be willing to sit in a car for three hours for a cold Dr. Pepper and a Heath bar. Not as a prisoner, but as doing someone a favor – yeah, seems like a good deal to me.
Okay, this is like a year late but I am behind and am catching up so I can start season 3. If Brook is so unwashed that she stinks, why doesn’t she have greasy hair? Is there dry shampoo in prison?
Soso made me cringe throughout this episode…laying on the floor and shouting shit about peaceful resistance, really? Take. a. shower.