Look, I don’t like this any more than you do.
In last week’s No Filter, we posited the (semi-substantiated) theory that Carrie Brownstein and Abbi Jacobson were dating one another – a theory widely noted across the internet, because by generally accepted standards, there is no tangible proof. Carrie and Abbi have not explicitly acknowledged the nature of their relationship in a way that we generally expect celebrities to. They have not made a statement or been photographed walking hand-in-hand through the Gelson’s spaghetti sauce aisle. We here at Vapid Fluff HQ stand by our declaration because of corroboration from trustworthy sources in Portland, but without social media confirmation it’s difficult to definitively prove such things to the world at large. So how do we know when a pair of celebrities are dating? How can we be sure that two women walking next to each other on the street are girlfriends or gal pals or just walking into the same coffee shop at the same time?
This leads us to the conundrum of the hour: Kristen Stewart and Annie Clark.
Here’s what we know:
It seems that the once-lauded relationship between “tangle of kinetic limbs” Cara Delevingne and ethereal beam of unwavering light Annie Clark has come to an end. This particular pairing frankly never made much sense to us, but they’d been very open about how in love they were and seemed very happy. Since then, Delevingne has been partying with Amber Heard, cavorting with tigers and FaceTiming with Taylor Swift. As for Annie, well… Every time she’s appeared in the tabloids lately, it’s been with everybody’s favorite sourpuss, Kristen Stewart.
I don’t want this to be true, OK? I keep thinking about Alicia Cargile holding Kristen’s shoes on the Cannes red carpet, or the notoriously guarded Kristen gushing about Alicia to reporters for the very first time, or the serene pouts on both their faces when they march back to the car after getting lattes in Los Feliz. I think about Alicia’s sweet, despondent tweets during the couple’s separation earlier this year, and how genuinely content they’d seemed after their reconciliation. I don’t often get emotionally invested in the comings and goings of celebrity relationships, but I was really rooting for these two. As of this moment, it’s been weeks since Stewart and Cargile were photographed together at any of their predictable haunts. This doesn’t always mean anything, especially considering how notoriously private the pair are. Still.
I’ve denied whatever is going on here for as long as I possibly could. Guys, I think something is going on between Kristen and Annie. In early September, the pair were spotted eating a meal and attending an improv show together, which seemed innocent enough. Since then, as it’s become much more obvious that Cara and Annie’s relationship is over, Annie’s been seen with Stewart quite a bit more. Here they are strolling down St Marks Place in New York this past week, probably on their way to purchase a bong and some FroYo:
photo via “Mr Snappy,” apparently
Tabloids were quick to point out the similar outfits Clark and Stewart are wearing, and if that’s an indicator of these two dating, my friends and I have a lot to answer for. However, tongues began to wag – are these guys together, or just suddenly really good friends? What happened to Cara and Alicia? Maybe Alicia and Kristen have an open thing? Maybe St. Vincent was always one of Kristen’s Five? Annie later appeared with Stewart at the premiere of her film Certain Women.
Saturday night, Los Angeles-based comedian Liza Dye met the pair backstage at a gig, and the pair were spotted apparently leaving the venue together, looking pretty cozy.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BLWOUyqhcsl/?taken-by=lizadye
I didn’t want to believe it. I still don’t want to believe it. And yet, here we are. Sources on the ground in LA have been unable to present Vapid Fluff HQ with a definitive answer either way, but the mounting evidence is difficult to deny. Oh No They Didn’t has put together a comprehensive guide to Kristen’s [alleged] history of [allegedly] cheating on her previous partners. From here on out, all we can do is remain vigilant and wait for a sign from the heavens.
WHY CANT I HAVE KRISTEN STEWARTS LIFE
AND ANNIE CLARKS WARDROBE
And two St. Vin. signature guitars, one in gloss black, one in matte grey.
I’m a simple gal, I’d be happy with just her bank account
Comment awards for all, please.
They’re wearing matching skirts?? :( :(
Look…I love Kristen as much as the next gal…but she does have an history of cheating and getting bored easily with her relationships. She has all the signs of a serial monogamist.
Annie’s a cheater, Kristen’s a cheater. Match made in heaven? Possibly. Take a look at Cara’s latest tattoo. Its very clearly about being betrayed. Its eyes in the back of her head which she did when she found out these two weren’t just pals like Annie previously claimed. I hope these two have the messiest ending ever given how they treated their previous partners.
Interesting initials…
*sips tea*
This is me, still not caring about Kristen Stewart…
But you do care, cos you came here all the way to say that you don’t. Deep down you know you care for her ‘love-life’. This is it, the undeniable thing that you won’t admit to yourself…the thing that your horoscope was talking about…. You have to face it….
LOL! I did read the whole article… That has to mean something.
Acknowledge the connection.
Nooooo, we can’t lose Alicia Cargile again
I miss Soko the most tbh
that ONTD post was mine and i didn’t intend to mock?? what?
Stef you are perfect this post is perfect. You are brilliant, this post is amazing. Thank you for detailing all of my feelings.
New theory: Kstew may or may not realize it / be ready to admit it but is poly af
Or maybe she is open about it with her partners and we are the only ones that don’t know. Honestly, when are going to know anything definitive about Kristen Stewart. Other than the fact that she was raised by wolves.
this theory is tops
Yes
Tbh, I’m perfectly happy believing it. I hope Kristen dates every famous queer woman eventually. Maybe all at once, even.
And you forgot to mention this:
http://polaroidsays.tumblr.com/post/149628099175/httpsactbuildonorgfundraisefcid-656603
:'(
Can you please not call Stewart a sourpuss? It’s one step away from you saying “she would be so pretty if she smiled more.”
Down with patriarchy. Long live the bitchface.
sourpuss? First it made me giggly, and then I was like: NO, not ok. It’s basically saying someone has a resting bitchface…