Oh Gay Cupid! 21 Signs Your OkCupid Date Isn’t Going Well

Welcome to Oh Gay Cupid! Autostraddle’s OkCupid series. We get lots of questions on Formspring regarding online dating, so we finally got a bunch of people together to talk about it. While OkCupid isn’t the only online dating site for queers, and maybe isn’t even the best, it does seem to be the one we use most often. We’ll be discussing all things OkC, including meeting friends, first dates, profiles, fuck-ups, letdowns and more. Even though it’s the ‘OkCupid Series,’ the advice given in this series could easily be applied to any online dating site.

 Oh Gay Cupid! illustrations by Rory Midhani

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Twenty-One Signs Your OK Cupid Date Isn’t Going Well
(As Taken From My Life)

Why does this shit always happen to me?

1. “Oh my God, do you want to see the staph infection on my crotch?”
2. She isn’t upset that the American Girl Doll Samantha is being retired.
3. You meet her mom and sister in the first two hours.
4. [In bed] “Wow… two girls in bed… it’s just so many men’s fantasies.”
5. A bird poops on your head.
6. “I prefer AfterEllen.”
7. “So… are you paying for this or what?”
8. You have to call Rachel to pick you up because your date won’t let you leave.
9. “Oh god I hope you’re not a theater person.”
10. “My date earlier today said…”
11. She’s just returned from a month-long european vacation that she went on with one ex and stayed with another ex.
12. “Aren’t we a little old for Harry Potter?”
13. “I think our relationship doesn’t necessarily need to be super sexual. It can be a deeply passionate relationship of the mind.”
14. You both stare in silence at the menu for over 20 minutes.
15. “It’s not that I like her better than you…”
16. “I don’t usually tell people I’m gay because I don’t want them to think I’m a feminist” [eye roll].
17. She open’s her wallet to pay the bill and there is still a picture of her and her ex together in it.
18. They decline a ride home during a snowstorm.
19. “I don’t really read, you know?”
20. [Post-kiss] “Sorry I just don’t feel anything.”
21. “Don’t worry, if your anus ever prolapses I’ll pop it back in for you.”

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Lizz

Lizz is a consumer, lover and writer of all things pop culture and the Fashion/Style Editor at Autostraddle.com. She is also full time medical student at Brown University in Providence, RI. You can find her on the twitter, the tumblr or even on the instagram.

Lizz has written 261 articles for us.

109 Comments

      • AfterEllen is another extremely popular (I think possibly the most popular) queer lady website. It’s good but like all other websites it pales in comparison to the glory that is Autostraddle

  2. Oh what the helll Lizz. I want to give you a hug and tell you I felt something.

    I have used number 10.. But in my defence they were both friend dates. And as it later turned out they were also friends with one another.

    • I don’t know if I should admit this, but #12 has definitely been a dealbreaker for me in the past…

      because PRIORITIES.

  5. These are hilarious. I recently went on an okc date with a girl who talked about her ex boyfriend the. whole. entire. time. Like, seriously?

  6. I went out with a girl who invited both her existing girlfriends along to our first date. I knew she was Poly, and I’d had Poly experience before but it was a bit much on date number one!

    …especially as I fancied one of her girlfriends more than I fancied her

    • My date for tonight just text and ask if it was ok if her “friend” could come along. WTF? I said nevermind.

  7. Hilarious and sad, I’m sorry you’ve had so many weird and awful dates. Just to hand out a spark of hope for anyone who’s just been on a horrendous OKCupid date. I just went on a really great date with someone I met on OKCupid.

    • To jump on the band wagon here, I also met my partner(we are registered) on OKC. We are going on 2 years in December. May seem quick to some, but when you know you know!

    • I am also celebrating my 1-year with someone I met on OKCupid next month! It can definitely work out :)

  10. Currently in my social psych class…

    This is highly relevant.

    Also, if one my dates said “arent we a little bit old for harry potter?” I’d happily walk outta there before she could say quidditch.

  11. I was on a date with a girl. She was telling a long anecdote…a very, very, very long anecdote. And at one point she said “Now, here is something you don’t understand” and before I could stop myself, I said “How you could just kill a man?”

  12. you know what I miss more than anything? Formspring friday. I have relationship issues and i feel like crap and only autostraddle can help!

  13. hah! however; what’s so terrible about being friends with your exes? isn’t that a grand old lesbionic tradition?

  14. …and here I thought I’d had a disastrous time with internet dating. Maybe it wasn’t so bad after all…

  16. oh wow. 21. seriously? was this really said? really?

    :( :( :(

    (the world is gross, and I can’t even look at pictures of cute animals to get rid of the grossness, because upon reading that sentence I had to go immediately to wikipedia, which is full of pictures of animals with various kinds of prolapsing happening and it’s not ok)

    • I have a feeling that could have been like a suave line from an EMT. Perhaps said with a wink. Sometimes these people lose sight of what is normal and appropriate in the outside world.

      • This! Seriously, someone who will replace a prolapsed anything for you is not to be cast off so easily. Even if you don’t fuck her, this is a super handy friend to have! Just sayin’.

        • Possibly would have been going too far if they then explained that sometimes they use sugar to reduce the prolapse…..just a spoon full of sugar….

  17. #12 and #19 go hand-in-hand for me. Haven’t read Harry Potter? You may as well have not read much else. You won’t get a fair share of my random awkward references anyway.

    And Lizz, if you survived these….you’re a trooper. Give the girl a badge.

  18. “I don’t usually tell people I’m gay because I don’t want them to think I’m a feminist” [eye roll]

    GODDESS HELP US

  20. 7am after a sleep-over date…”So…I think you should leave cuz I have to be somewhere by 2pm.”

    fml

    • I had my really good friend of 13 years that I see like once a year tell me that once. Let’s just say she isn’t my really good friend anymore.

  21. I will never understand the concept of dating or how people could put themselves through that. To me it’s akin to jumping through hoops with fire, while you have a piece of raw meat tied to your leg and some pitbull chasing after you while you have one shoe on (and that shoe is a high heel!)… um yeah, no thanks! #channelingmyinnerDaria

    • Agreed… best to get drunk and make out with the friend/cute girl you’ve had sexual tension with for a year. Then keep making out with her till you break up… and repeat.

      • Haha… that’s even worse. The capacity for potential drama exceeds the capacity for sanity, therefore multiplying the cycle of bullshit to the nth power. If you divide that by the common denominator aka alcohol + sexual tension, you get x, where by x is an unknown variable. This “unknown variable” or “x” or even “ex” will constantly throw multiple curve balls at you. In the mean time, you’re still tipsy or drunk, trying to solve “y” or “why” these “word problems” or “x” or “ex” in your life keep popping up and repeating the same old predictable patterns that you can’t seem to get out of. Then you realize that you are, FOREVER ALONE with your bottle of liquor as you lay spread eagle on your bed with no more fucks to give, but still have enough liquor to “lick her!” *wink wink nudge nudge* #Datingandhookupwordproblemsandsoulutionsforsimpletons101.

  24. These all are horrible.
    My worst OKcupid date: It involved a girl with the same name as me. We met at a wine bar and she kept saying my name/her name and laughing. Always followed by awkward silence. She proceeded to then me she was on anti-depressants to explain the reason she got drunk off one glass of wine. But continued to drink throughout the night. At a club she quickly lossed her balance, pushed over a table breaking glasses and trying to make out with me drunk, as, shit. Soon after she began crying on my should and breaking down about a recent ex-gf that she’s still in love with. I’ve never been on a gayer or more awkward date. Thank you Okcupid?

    • And now that I post this, my obsession with American Girl folks probably is a factor in my lack of dates…

      • I just spent way too much time on the American Girl website. Did you know that in their “Doll Hospital”, they’ll now give dolls hearing aids or make them bald? Way to embrace disability/illness!

    • I just can’t believe they’re discontinuing the Samantha doll. I did not know that. My inner child (that is to say, all of me) is traumatized.

  27. I met my girlfriend on okc. #14 and #19 happened but we’ve been together for more than a year. ALL IS GOOD YOU GUYS

  28. Some experiences with OkCupid when I could tell weren’t going well at the time:
    I was on a date with a guy one time and he said he just found out his friend was in jail and he needed to go feed his friends dog. Thinking back I probably was a really weird date. It was my very first online dating experience and he asked me if I liked bands with horns after talking about ska music for a while but I thought he meant demons. Another time I went on a date with this girl and she ordered a whole beer, went outside of a cigarette and when she came back was like “I’m soooo fulll…. I should go” – I mean we did eat a lot but then never spoke again.

    Sort of unrelated but also related – I love when you are on OkCupid and find out people message you and your friends the same thing!! Or one time I deactivated my account and then a few months later made a brand new one and would still get repeat copy & paste messages from the same people.

  29. My fear of meeting people who are more awkward than I am (and not in a fun way) is just one of the many things that keeps me from returning to OkCupid.

  30. I would add “finding a notebook in her house that includes a list of every girl she’s ever slept with – and you are are number 28 of 32”. This actually happened, and no I don’t feel bad about reading her notebook. Wah!

      • Yep yep. Not just a list, but a list she actively updated on a regular basis (we checked again a few days later and new names had been added). By ‘we’ I mean myself and an unbelieving friend.

    • o__0…

      Dear Journal,

      Victim 3,409 didn’t eat much. She had an alternative lifestyle haircut and was a brunette with blue eyes. Her zodiac sign is Capricorn and she’s about 5’4”. Feelings, I have so much of those for her and we just met on OK Cupid.

      Love,
      Woman of the night, who steals dreams and makes you cream, or scream.

      LOL!

  31. Okay, my worst OkCupid date here we go: Girl and I have been messaging back & forth and one evening she texts me to ask if I would like to go to the girl bar with her and her friends for some dancing and you know, finally meet and everything. Having nothing to do, I agree to go, and being unable to scrounge any friends up to go, I go it alone. I walk into the bar, and I could tell she immediately knew I was not cis-gendered. Most of the date consisted of her being unable/unwilling to carry a conversation (it was just me asking question after question and getting one-word short answers), or her going to say ‘hi’to a friend and ignoring me all night.

    I peace out and call a friend to give her the date deets outside the bar, and she pops out a second later and says “was that weird? im sorry I wasn’t expecting you to be trans and I’ve never dated a trans person and didn’t know how to act”. She wanted to start it all over as friends and said she would call again, but I never answered.

    That was the one and only time I didn’t disclose my trans status in my profile.

    A date later, I met my current gf. 98% match yeeeeah.

  32. With number 14, although I don’t do it for over 20 minutes, I do stare at the menu in silence for a long time. In my defence, I’m weighing up how hungry I am in my head, coupled with what I’m in the mood for along with what goes best with it, thinking if I want desert later…and half the time my mind tends to go for a little wander as well…it’s doesn’t always necessarily mean I’m not that into her…or maybe it does… *shrugs shoulders*

  33. I started a profile a few days ago and, after much internal struggle, decided to disclose the scarlet “T” on it, even though I really don’t want to be looked on as something “other” than cisgender.

    We’ll see how it goes (if it goes). Sigh.

  34. number 11… Ok she actually never did it, but she was planning to! And yes I might be slighlty more jealous than I’d like but please, I don’t mind you’re friends with your exes but don’t go on vacation with them… Specially when you’re not going with me.
    (and no, it wasnt a first date when the subject came up)

  35. I did have someone message me on gayvox this morning asking where she could find girls.

    HELLO I’M RIGHT HERE

    • To add to my comment: after reading this, I’d be wary of going on a date. I’d probably say a “wrong” thing, and it would end up posted online where everyone can laugh at me.

      • What is a wrong thing for one person is not necessarily a wrong thing for another! Do not despair! *hugs*

        • Thank you, but as I said, it just makes me wary, because many people seem to be very judgmental. I am similar to one of the examples below: I don’t really care about art, and there’s nothing on my apartment walls, and that makes me a bad person to date, someone whose words can be posted publicly so others can laugh at her and tand cluck their tongues in disbelief and so on. I already have zillions of flaws, and reading the stuff here just reinforces to me the notion that I’m not someone anyone would want to date at all.

          • I think in the end, the people who don’t care about our flaws are the ones that matter. There’s totally a quote for that. These people are just hard to find.
            But I totally get what you mean. When I go on a date I over analyze until the point that everything I did on the date was wrong.
            Oh Hi everyone, this is my first comment!

  39. “what kind of car do you drive? my ex drives a pinto. she stalked me. i’m sorry if you have that car. we probably shouldn’t see each other in that case.”

    “i don’t know about you but i’m objectifying the fuck out of our bartender.”

    (on a first date) “so what are we doing exactly? i mean, is this going to be serious or what?”

    “are you single by choice or circumstance?”

    but the worst excuse ever a girl has used to end an okc date…
    “i’m sorry, i should go home. i don’t sleep well in other people’s beds.”

    GURL I DIDN’T BRING YOU HERE TO SLEEP

    • Hahaha, ok, I really like the bartender one, and the pinto one. I probably would not disqualify you based on these statements. Single by choice or circumstance is kinda funny, I mean, couldn’t either be appropriate no matter why you’re single?

      • the pinto one kind of weirded me out. my date actually wanted to physically see my car before they believed that i didn’t have a pinto….why would i lie??

        the bartender one was funny, but kind of awkward. there was no segue, just “OUR BARTENDER HAS A GREAT ASS.” i made out with my date anyway though. she was pretty cool.

  41. 12. “Aren’t we a little old for Harry Potter?”

    Oh hellz no. You’re never too old for Harry Potter. Total dealbreaker.

    • Same goes for people who can’t muster genuine enthusiasm once in a while. It is okay to love things non-ironically people!

      Also Harry Potter is awesome.

  42. I’m afraid I’m probably the disaster date people tell stories about. When I’m feeling awkward or anxious, I turn into fact-reciting robot.

    “Clocks in advertisements are always set to 10:10.”

    “Did you know humans can remain conscious for 2-10 seconds after decapitation? Studies involving other small mammals have shown consciousness for as many 27 seconds.”

    “The French name for Passover, Paques Juives, basically means ‘Jew Easter.'”

    :S

    • If we dated, our dates would be FILLED with interesting but mostly useless information, as I also do this.

    • The Spanish name for Passover also means “Jewish Easter”! What the fuck, right?
      For what it’s worth, I do the same thing when I’m nervous.

      • Even if I was on a date with the world’s foremost expert in staph infections, I would not utter the words “do you want to see my staph infection?” to someone I wanted to get busy with.

        It’s just wrong. I’m so sorry this happened. For you, for the world.

  44. I have been on SO many bad okcupid dates this past year. I recently froze my account because it was getting boring. Damn you, Boston.

  45. At the end of a date with a girl, she asked me to go out again. I suggested the new exhibit at the local art museum that I really wanted to see, and she said, “oh, I don’t like art.”

    ?

    But, what do you put on your walls? I went on the second date, where we stopped by her apartment briefly to pick something up, and it turned out – nothing. She put nothing on her walls. She really didn’t like art. I’m a designer… That just didn’t really work for me. We were friends for a while after that, and then I lost track of her.

  46. You really need to add my experience to this list which is:

    Finding out your date’s ex is dating your ex.

    Hella awkward.

  49. Am I the only one who sees nothing wrong with #11? Sometimes exes can be people you don’t click with romantically but work great as friends.

  50. I’m going to start using #6 as a filter for my dates. First question asked: so, do you think you’re too old for Harry Potter? No? alright then carry on.

  52. Hahha it’s carnage out there, apparently. I’m still wondering how you get all these dates though. I’m pretty hot, I love HP, I’ll experiment in bed and I read a lot but I’m Still not getting any freaking message replies.

    Could it be that I’m not watching enough shows? That I don’t own a stable of cats? WHY don’t people just want to chat and see if there’s dynamics? Sniff. I suddenly have developed a certain understanding for straight guys, girls are riddles :’)

  54. Pingback: Date recap | Queering the Nerd

  55. Number 8 has happened to me. except it was my ex-boyfriend and he called offering to pick me up because he knew it was so bad.

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