Learning to feed yourself can be one of the most terrifying things. Am I about to give myself food poisoning? If I eat this too often will I end up with scurvy? How can I get the most nutritional bang for my buck? Why does this still taste like ass?
With Ode to My Pantry, learn to navigate a grocery store without having a meltdown in aisle three. Give a man a fish and feed him for a day, teach a queer to cook and stave off malnutrition for another semest
There are a few things you probably shouldn’t do in your kitchen. One: Don’t run with pointy objects. Two: Don’t run on slippery objects. Three: Make sure your background noise doesn’t distract you from the task at hand. Because sometimes you listen to Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me while you’re taking stock of your pantry and the only thing you accomplish is thinking in AABBA form. (In the future, Karl Kasell should hit me up instead of legendary anchorman Bill Kurtis. Or at least give me a sandwich.)
Making Vinegar
You start with a shitton of booze
Inoculate and wait while it brews
It will form a mother
Which leads to another
When she sinks, it’s ready to use
Apple Cider Vinegar
Make use of your old apple cores
By jarring in your cellar stores
The low acidity
Should prevent rancidity
If it works, give me a taste of yours
Malt Vinegar
First made using hop-free beer
It pours murky and brown, not clear
Brewed up by Brits
To douse fish and chips
But I prefer my acid more severe
White Wine Vinegar
Quelle surprise! It’s made from white wine
Just stomp grapes and let ’em decline
Don’t think I’m a nutter
But they taste like butter
As beurre blanc fodder it’s divine
Balsamic Vinegar
Mix with oil to dress up your salad
As a dressing, it’s totally valid
The real stuff is aged
While the new’s colour’s staged
But hey, your food won’t be pallid?
Rice Wine Vinegar
It’s great in a summery pickle
Salt and sugar, this brine isn’t fickle
Mild with a crunch
A great snack to munch
Dress your salad! Just needs a trickle
Red Vinegar
This condiment’s kind of a lie
It’s just regular rice wine and dye
But it’s a dip for wontons
Or juicy steamed buns
And I’ll add a splash to stirfry
Distilled White Vinegar
A spritz’ll make your house shine
Luckily this chemical’s benign
Clean and disinfect
A fridge left unchecked
Then use the leftovers for brine
Raspberry Vinegar (or Any Other Flavoured Vinegar for That Matter)
Keep some in your pantry’s tool kit
But when serving foodies, be sure to omit
Sure it is fruity
But they’ll become snooty
While asking, “What decade is it?“
