Welcome to NSFW Sunday!

Feature image of Lara Du Vé via thelingerieaddict.

by andrew thomas clifton

+ If your partner ignores it when you ask for sexy things there might be a few factors at play, including when you’re asking, whether you’re actually really no seriously asking, whether you’re being clear enough, whether you’re ignoring their requests and more:

“Some people don’t like the idea of giving details because they feel like explaining what they want takes the fun out of it. I get it; it would be nice to have a partner who could magically intuit your needs and give you exactly what you wanted. Unfortunately, that’s just not how sex works in the real world. You put a lot of pressure on your partner when you don’t fully describe what you want. You’re essentially asking your partner to read your mind and take a shot in the dark—which isn’t likely to leave either of you happy.”

Carmen Carerra Candy Mariano Vivanco via out.com

+ Sex history moment: Virginia Johnson, Anais Nin, Audre Lorde, and eight other women who have changed the sexual landscape.

+ At Oh Joy Sex Toy, Erika Moen reviewed the We-Vibe Tango (and two of its attachments).

+ Nipples! They are pretty great, generally, and whatever yours are like they are normal.

Roarie and Soraya Garlenq by Pascal Pierrou via butchlife

+ It’s Relationships Month at the Billfold, so there are a ton of great things to read about how expensive different types of relationships can be and about living together and merging finances and it’s great. I especially liked discussions about money and long distance relationships, expenses specific to poly dating and how much all sorts of relationships cost.

+ It’s interesting to think about developing a kinky identity and focusing on that type of desire, and following it as things change, and Sugarbutch’s kinky desire map (and discussion) is a great visualization.

Mayan Night. Photographed by Ming in Los Angeles. via womenofcolor

+ The woman who live-tweeted an elementary school sex ed class (discussed last week) followed up at the Guardian about how just because sex ed isn’t technically abstinence-only doesn’t mean it’s not terrible, and that teaching that sex is shameful needs to stop:

“The principal keeps insisting to the press that this wasn’t ‘abstinence-only’ education. But his protests have only made me realize that ‘not-abstinence-only’ might be the worst kind of sex ed – worse than just teaching ‘abstinence-only’ –because it results in a written curriculum that makes parents like me foolishly assume it will be reasonable. It will cover condoms! It will talk about unwanted pregnancy!

In fact what’s getting taught is this: condoms fail constantly, sex is deeply dangerous and shameful, and ‘the girl you want is the girl who says ‘no’.

We need sex ed that teaches the facts – including that sex can be pleasurable, that varied forms exist, that consent is key, and that risks should be managed wisely. If we teach that, maybe kids will come to us when they have questions or get in trouble. Maybe they won’t struggle with shame when masturbating or having sex with others.”

tiffanysphoto via thelingerieaddict

+ Prosecutions for sex crimes are allegedly rising, including some that disproportionately target or punish gay people.

+ Quebec City is holding a kink festival in May.

Maaria by Taschka Turnquist via butchlife

+ Sometimes single is a state of mind. (But also, “To take negative perceptions so seriously that you want to abandon an identity altogether is an appealing short-term strategy, but in the long run it serves to compound the original stereotypes, not defy them.”)

+ Most of this article is weird and has a “oh, gay people! aren’t they interesting? here is too much stuff about church you will get uncomfortable” sort of vibe so be aware, but also it’s neat that this 72-year-old just self-published her first lesbian erotica, loosely based on her and her wife.

freshiejuice & Ginger Sparks by photosbycoop

+ People like making noise complaints about loud sex — and you can see where the offenders are (in New York anyway) in a recently compiled map. At Salon, Jenny Kutner asks what about hearing loud sex bugs some people so much:

“‘FOMO’ doesn’t seem like the most legitimate reason for filing a noise complaint, but it does actually get at what makes loud sex different from other sorts of noise pollution. It’s an act in which we can imagine ourselves participating, and the sounds that come from it are a special form of communication. Moaning is a pretty simple way to tell your partner you’re into whatever is going on, but what’s the message for the person on the other side of your closed door? Should an unintentional overhearer just give you a mental high-five, or should they feel weird and annoyed?

‘The loudness itself isn’t bad,’ another friend told me. ‘The times loud sex has bothered me is when it has felt unnatural, like someone is screaming loudly and it feels like a performance — as though he or she has only ever watched cheesy porn. I much prefer hearing people have sex than what I hear more often, which is couples arguing.'”

Alisa via megallenstudio

+ Sometimes people ignore the actual facts about the person they’re dating to construct a whole other idea of a person and relationship, whether good or bad:

“Mirage Dating happens when we head into relationships while actively constructing the person we are getting to know, rather than actually getting to know him or her. We ignore the qualities that don’t fit into what we want to see (be they positive or negative) and only focus on what we want or are expecting to see. This can doom a relationship as well as expectations of dating in general.

Now, pay attention, because what I’m not saying is that you should move on if an actual relationship isn’t perfect. That’s the thing: Relationships aren’t perfect. Healthy relationships aren’t constant strife, but they aren’t constant rainbows and giggling over brunch, either. Real relationships are full of the good, the bad, and the mundane. If the relationship in your head just isn’t matching up with the relationship you’re actually in, you’ve got to do some soul searching to determine if it’s your expectations that are off, or if the relationship is off. If it’s your expectations, you have to shake them off and start looking at the relationship with fresh eyes. If it’s your relationship, it’s time to either accept it as it is, or move on.”

+ We’ve been rolling out posts featuring the results from our Ultimate Lesbian Sex Survey all month long. In case you missed any of ’em:

• How Often Do Queer Women Have Sex?
• 100 Gayest Places You’ve Had Sex
• The Masturbation Habits of Queer Women
• 50 Really Fascinating Things You Wanted Us To Know About How You Have Sex
• 26 Bits of Solid Sex Advice
• 41 Feelings You Have About Scissoring
• Here Are Your Very Queer Underwear-Wearing Habits

Binx Walton shot by Devyn Galindo via Models of Color

All of the photographs on NSFW Sundays are taken from various tumblrs and do not belong to us. All are linked and credited to the best of our abilities in hopes of attracting more traffic to the tumblrs and photographers who have blessed us with this imagery. The inclusion of a photograph here should not be interpreted as an assertion of the model’s gender identity or sexual orientation. If there is a photo included here that belongs to you and you want it removed, please email bren [at] autostraddle dot com and it will be removed promptly, no questions asked.

Before you go! Autostraddle runs on the reader support of our AF+ Members. If this article meant something to you today — if it informed you or made you smile or feel seen, will you consider joining AF and supporting the people who make this queer media site possible?

Join AF+!