Feature image via takemetoyourbedroom.
Welcome to NSFW Sunday!
Sunni by Shaun Andru via blackfashion
+ Rachel Hills’s The Sex Myth is a fascinating look at the culture around sex and all the ways we interact with it. In a discussion at the New Inquiry, Autumn Whitefield-Madrano writes:
“We’ve come to think of sex as more than something we do for recreation and procreation; western societies now frame sex as a statement about who we are. You’re not seen as complete unless you’re having sex, and plenty of it, and in just the right ways—for all the sexual permissiveness we’ve come to grant ourselves, there are still just as many ways to get sex wrong. The idea of the Sex Myth serves as a regulation of sorts, shaping not simply what we do in bed but our public and private identities.”
Helen Lorraine via prettyplussize
+ Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether someone has had an orgasm. You don’t have to be an asshole, though — instead, move the focus to pleasure instead of orgasm, actually focus on your partner, communicate, explore, take your time and more:
“Orgasms are fantastic, don’t get me wrong. But they’re not the only amazing thing about being intimate with someone. They’re also not a necessary ingredient for having a good time. There are plenty of people that don’t need to have an orgasm to feel fulfilled. When we put all of our focus on those 10-30 seconds of toe-curling orgasmic bliss, we miss out on so many other opportunities for connection, playfulness, and pleasure. If you can redirect some of your orgasmic attention towards making every other moment of your hookup pleasurable, not only will your partner be endlessly grateful, but they’ll actually be far more likely to orgasm. And you’ll enjoy yourself a hell of a lot more too.”
+ At Crave, Miss Rosen wrote about April Flores, Fat Girl and art.
+ At Oh Joy Sex Toy, Erika Moen and Matthew Nolan reviewed two lubes.
+ Oysters, chocolate, honey and anything else you’ve been eating to feel turned on aren’t actually working.
via rodeoh
+ Everyone would be a lot happier if we dropped all the weird things we believe about the way things might be and started looking at the way things are or how we want them, and you might as well start with these relationship myths, including that (presumably monogamous) people don’t flirt when they’re happy in a relationship, that telling the truth is always best, that a partner should be your best friend or that fighting is always bad:
“Fighting often isn’t the problem in relationships — it’s how you fight. John Gottman, a researcher who focuses on signs of divorce, found that couples’ stability is defined by the way they interact during a fight. Do the partners turn away and dismiss each other? Or do they turn towards each other and fight with kindness? ‘It’s not conflict that is generally the main marker of a good relationship, as much as the issue of repair,’ Perel says. ‘There are plenty of couples who are maybe quite volatile, but they know how to make up.'”
Zahra Stardust and Callum Jones via pinklabel.tv
+ The first rule of having a threesome with your partner is knowing whether you want want to have a threesome with your partner. (Guides like this are always really couple-centric, so I will add that if you’re an individual looking to sleep with a couple you know, you get to set your own boundaries and have your own expectations and no one needs to be awkward at brunch.):
“[ex therapist Vanessa Marin’s] #1 Rule Of Threesomes: ‘You can never take a threesome back,’ Marin reminds us. ‘Once you’ve done it, it’s done.’ That sounds ominous, but by imagining your mental state both during and after the sex, you can gauge whether you’re ready for it. ‘Of course you can’t know exactly what will happen after your potential threesome, but it’s important to expect a mixed bag of reactions and be honest with yourself about whether you can handle all the possible outcomes,’ Marin adds.”
+ If you have a vulva/vagina, it’s okay if they look or smell like a vagina/vulva:
“Body odor smells like body odor. Morning breath smells like morning breath. That’s just the way it is. It may not always be pleasant, but it’s natural. Why then, do we expect vaginas to smell like something other than a vagina? […]
To combat these obstacles, many women turn to feminine hygiene products. Vaginal cleansing and odor eliminating products are all over pharmacy shelves. But here’s the thing about these products: they aren’t good for you.”
+ From The Autostraddle Lesbian Sex Archives: I’m Neither Butch Nor A Top
“I want to be pursued, wooed, hit on, propositioned, taken charge of. I want people to stop thinking that being a bottom is equivalent to being passive and disinclined to reciprocation of pleasure — that’s just insulting. I resent the internalized homophobia that doesn’t support boi-boi, stud-stud, GQ-GQ, or permutations along those lines.”
All of the photographs on NSFW Sundays are taken from various tumblrs and do not belong to us. All are linked and credited to the best of our abilities in hopes of attracting more traffic to the tumblrs and photographers who have blessed us with this imagery. The inclusion of a photograph here should not be interpreted as an assertion of the model’s gender identity or sexual orientation. If there is a photo included here that belongs to you and you want it removed, please email bren [at] autostraddle dot com and it will be removed promptly, no questions asked.
I always love this column! However I definitely think that wine and oysters make me horny?!
do you realize the pinklabel.tv website, which you link to, has a picture of a beaten & bruised woman right on the front page?
As with anything, context is everything. Here’s what the movie that banner relates to is about: “OCCUPIED is a hardcore romance for the 99%. When an Occupy protester (Maggie Mayhem) dares to strike back at a brutal cop (Kathryn Dupri), the chase is on. Officer Dupri soon finds better uses for her baton, and Maggie’s neither passive nor resistant. But can a cop be trusted? Or is all fair in love and class war?”
i read what it’s about and i’m appalled you think that makes it BETTER. linking to a page with no warning that puts front and center porn about a woman being brutalized by a cop is ok because it’s “queer” i guess
I usually don’t chime in on things like this, but I have ti say, I agree with CJ. Seeing any form of abuse being glamorized or portrayed as “sexy” is absolutely sickening. I love Autostraddle, but after reading this comment thread, I’m wary of coming back to the site. I am truly saddened that a space meant to be safe and inclusive is defending this type of media.
LIKE what makes you not only thing “hm, yes, on this website for gay/bi women, who are statistically extremely likely to have been abused, i will link to a porn website that right on its front page features a woman with a black eye and dead stare” but then DEFEND IT BECAUSE IT’S ABOUT SEXY POLICE BRUTALITY
so it’s police brutality porn
and that context makes it better how?
I didn’t even click through because the image made me so uncomfortable, but I’m chiming in to add that I also was unpleasantly surprised to see it here. I try to just go with “not my kink,” but I felt like that crossed a line for a site like this.
I agree with CJ. This is just fucked up. I mean, isn’t this site supposed to be intersectional? What is sexy about cops in a time where they are murdering black people? What type of message does porn like that send about the violence police force onto women? I mean, I’m a former hooker and rape by cop is a real and immediate threat to all of us in that industry and porn like that just trivializes & eroticizes that pain and brutality.
also you probably shouldn’t link to erica moen seeing as they are known lesbophobe & transphobe.
I understand what CJ is saying and I agree that the photo is disturbing and shouldn’t be on the front page of the website. But using one image from the site (an image that’s not even from the Occupied movie) doesn’t necessarily equal endorsement of everything that Pink Label does. Also, I think we all agree that police brutality is fucked up and wrong. BUT there is a difference between porn and real life. Sexual fantasies (in porn movies and irl) aren’t always neat or politically correct or easily categorized. The realm of porn and fantasy is a place where, with the consent of all parties, we can be brave enough to play with our desires, to play with difficult things like power and control and pain, and still return to the real world and fight oppressive structures every day.
And K, I dont agree w your description of the movie as “abuse” given that it involved consenting performers. In bdsm/kink, often what may look like abuse in a different situation is not, bc all ppl involved actively consented to abd what’s going on.
you are right real life and porn are different! and that’s why it’s one thing if someone wants to work out their messy feelings about power or whatever with their partner(s), it’s another thing when a porn company takes very real, oppressive, violent, life or death situations to make porn, and a whole ‘nother layer of “what” when supposed feminists defend that.
(also, usually, you have NO WAY of knowing for certain that everyone involved actually consented.)
This makes it sound like you’re just anti-porn in general. I mean, of course there’s no way to know if everyone involved consented unless you could read the minds of everyone involved, but isn’t that true of like, everything? If any of the performers were to come out and say that they didn’t consent or even that it was an uncomfortable environment, then I would listen and support them, but until then, I don’t see why I can’t enjoy the film they created.
And not everyone who has “messy feelings” about these topics has partners they can work things out with, or maybe they don’t have supportive partners. Or perhaps they’re even currently in an abusive relationship and could benefit from watching something that turns them on without risk. Porn can be for those people, too. I’ve read numerous accounts of abuse survivors who enjoy watching porn of this nature. Some even find it therapeutic. Not to mention that the performers involved are actual humans who are quite possibly working through their own feelings/desires.
And I don’t understand why what’s safe/healthy to do with your partners in the privacy of your own home suddenly becomes wrong if it becomes exhibitionist? Are people who attend BDSM conventions doing something wrong if they take part in a sexual activity in front of a crowd of people? If a BDSM model posts a photo on her Tumblr of the bruises on her butt after a consensual spanking from her partner, is that somehow crossing a line as well?
yep, i am!
and really, you don’t understand why? let’s say i like my partner calling me slurs. that is in the context of our relationship and we both understand its meaning. now someone takes that, makes porn where the masculine-of-center partner is calling the femme partner slurs, and it can be consumed by ANYONE to get off on. or like, how about people with nazi uniform fetishes! nazi porn is a-okay now because there is no difference between what is personal and what is made for public consumption and profit.
but that’s neither here no there, the whole point is autostraddle is defending porn that a) puts a bruised woman on the front page and b) then says “actually, it’s porn about police brutality” like that makes it BETTER
You’re totally right, I didn’t mean to insinuate that there was any actual abuse happening. I’m sorry that the comment read that way!
Erika Moen made a transphobic comic 6, going on 7 years ago. She received tons of criticism (which was warranted), and made many statements apologizing. She actively educated herself on trans issues, and since has created comics (like Oh Joy Sex Toy, which is what was linked here) that are some of the most inclusive and representative I’ve seen. You can read her formal apology on the site here: http://www.darcomic.com/2009/02/17/transmen/
You don’t have to forgive her for what she did, but if you discount the entire rest of her body of work because of that mistake (and expect Autostraddle to discount it as well) you are missing out on a WONDERFUL sex ed comic series that is not only inclusive and educational, but also entertaining and touching!
Also she is not a known homophobe? She is queer herself, and has identified as a lesbian for years, and a dyke in the past and also currently. That part of her identity is incredibly important to her, and doesn’t go away just because she’s in a relationship with a man.
The refinery29 link is broken; missing the leading “http://”
Definitely adding The Sex Myth to my ‘to read’ list. Thanks!