Fashionista published a guide on how to get laid a date for the holidays. There’s nothing worse than going to a holiday party stag, so you have approximately two weeks to remedy your singledom. The pressure’s on ladies! So that’s why you have to turn to the internet this very second. Not because it’s a great way to meet people or possibly the only way for you to meet people in your area, but because it’s really fucking embarrassing to fall ice skating without a prince charming to pick you up.
So prep and preen for a holiday profile pic that truly shows your December dateability. There are a thousand rules you didn’t know existed, so start reading up ASAP. Look alluring but not like a slut! Think about your hair, but don’t about it too much. Don’t spackle your face with makeup, but don’t go au naturel either! And just the right amount of tit people! Since this was a holiday article, I’m sure that this super specific winter advice will change by August.
Ah! It’s all so confusing, you might as well just opt out of holiday dating right? Why not just opt out of this kind of dating. I feel like gay ladies are less demanding than men when it comes to profile pictures. So if you do want to meet someone this winter break, I’ll show you how to take a queer-oriented holiday photo. And I’ll explain it in less than five pages.
Get in the spirit of things
There is serious business to be had. I recommend whiskey, bourbon or pure palate-peeling vodka to get in the mood. Eggnog is really fucking festive but I’m not about to taint my flask with that.
Don you now your gay apparel
You aren’t going to win over any OkCupiders in a bikini. Not because it’s too revealing or asking for “unwanted attention” but because it’s fucking weather inappropriate. December is all about layering! So put on your best grandpa sweater and/or mittens and/or toque and/or scarves to prove how cuddle-worthy you are.
Deck the halls
If you don’t have any rainbow lights handy, I’d also recommend christmas tree hats, antlers or copious amounts of tinsel and garland. Watch out for green garland. That shit is pointy.
Add some holiday cheer
No foray into queer dating would be complete without a craft beer. Crack open a winter ale from your beer advent calendar!
Liberally apply cats to the photographed area
If there were a well known holiday carol about cats I would allude to it right here. But it’s not well known yet, so I can’t. Just make sure you have at least one cat in your profile pic to prove your dyke cred. When in doubt, add more cats. And show those cats some love.
So now you’re good to go! Just make sure to angle the shot from above so no one questions its legitimacy as an online dating profile pic.
This is how you duck face right?
I’m totes in love with you! You’re super cute!
So this carol isn’t alluding to cats but it does feature them prominently. It’s my favorite. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NKHJ64qRR8
Oh my god. This is amazing.
OMG the pinky up! Flask drinking at its finest
The last picture is the very best.
I love everything about this.
FUCK YOU CAT CAROL that was the saddest shit ever.
WHO LEAVES A CAT OUTSIDE IN THE COLD
Ergh, my former asshole neighbour! They were trying to train a kitten to be an outdoor cat so they booted her out each morning. Luckily she’d come running to my apartment complex and we’d bond over sardines. I think the owner got the message when I banged on her door on a particularly snowy night holding the kitty yelling, “I THINK THIS IS YOURS!”
A Wild Queer Appears!
Kirsten Used Ironic Duckface.
It was Super Effective.
I think you just captured my Pokeheart.
ummm….can I date Kristen?
Unfortunately both the cat and I are taken. Garfield on the other hand is up for grabs.
Holy craft beer Advent calendar! To the bodega! I have some catching up to do.
Holy crap, you’re adorable. Also, kitties+booze is probably a flawless recipe for successful online dating
Ahh I’m missing the main ingredient! (cats) Now I’ll never get a date!
actually though whenever someone has a cat in her “profile picture” I just don’t even bother clicking because I’m too allergic
I substituted “small dog” for “cat.” I’ll let you know how it turns out.
Kristen you are too perfect.
I would date anyone wearing fairy lights in a profile picture. In fact, I think I’m going to change my ‘you should message me if’ to ‘you are wearing fairy lights as an accessory right now’.
I’m pretty sure now we just all want to date Kristen.
There’s nothin cuter than a dyke with a cat!
Ahh, you’re so cute ^.^
That cat is definitely having existential thoughts…
“I know you say that the word cat is more empowering than “pussy,” but I just really like pussy, okay?”
I just so happen to have all of these things within arms reach right now…suddenly I feel like a lady killer instead of a lonely hobbit. Thank you for changing my perspective on everything!
highly enjoyable. feel free to repeat!
I love the fact that you can see that you’re plugged into the wall in the final image.
“Add cats”!! I’m dying..
Aw, this cheered me right up!
Ah this is amazing! Too bad I saw it after Christmas